Confrontations

Edward never came to yell at me. In a sick way I had hoped that he would, just so I could see him again. He was back, but never came near the house. I sat up most of the night wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking. I had rebuilt some of the wall that had been so useful in damming up my emotions for so long. I was thinking clearer and not feeling as much. I was worried though that it was because I was shutting off my emotions all together.

I realized that it was the day before New Year's Eve, so I needed to figure out what I was going cook for dinner with Jacob. My mom was off today since she would be working tomorrow night. Maybe she would go with me to the grocery store.

I found her in her bedroom, looking through her closet for something.

"Hey mom, what are you doing?" I flopped myself on to the end of her bed.

"Nothing, just looking to see what kind of stuff I can get rid of. You're fathers clothes have been hanging in here since he died. I think it's about time I gave them away. He's not coming back for them, and they're too big for me." She forced a half smile.

"Are you sure you're ready to do that?"

She sat on the bed next to me. "Yeah. I can't move forward if I'm holding on to what's behind me. I have to make some changes, and this is one of them. I will always love your father, but he's not here to love me back."

"Well, if you need any help, just let me know."

I squeezed her hand and then gave her a hug. It was hard for me to watch her let go of him, but I was happy that she could. It gave me some hope. If she could move past losing the love of her life, then I would be able to too, someday.

"I need to run to the grocery store. I'm making dinner tomorrow night and Jacob is coming over. Do you want to come with me?"

I didn't understand why she looked so shocked, then irritated.

"Bella, why did you invite him over here?" She sounded close to being upset with me.

I was a bit flustered by her unexpected response. I was stuttering a bit when I tried to answer her, and the answers came out sounding more like questions.

"I didn't have any other plans. He's a nice guy and he makes me laugh. I didn't want to spend the evening alone. He didn't have anything else to do."

"So basically all of your reasons have to do with neither of you having anything better to do, and that you didn't want to be alone, right?"

"Well it sounds worse when you put it that way. Mom, I just need some company. I'm not asking him to marry me." Her point had made me feel a bit defensive.

"I know you aren't. But you aren't asking him to be your boyfriend either. You're using him. I don't want to see you lead him on for nothing."

I stopped for a second and thought about what she said. I knew I was using him, but I wasn't sure why. If there was any way that I could force myself to get past Edward, then I was sure Jacob was a guy that I would like to spend time with. He was that already, before everything happened.

"Look, I know you're worried about me. I am not trying to use him. I am trying to force myself past this point in my life. Maybe if I spend enough time with him then I will get over all of this quicker, and who knows, maybe he will be my boyfriend some day."

She was probably more affected by the quiver in my voice than she was my reasoning. I was grasping at straws to overcome a broken heart, and she knew it. She sighed, and her shoulders slumped. She looked like someone that was making a decision they weren't happy about.

"Well, if you're going anyway, I guess I can come with you. Come on."

She left her room, and a second later I followed. I was just grateful she wasn't going to be mad at me all day.

When we got there we separated because she needed to get some stuff for the house, and I was only getting what I needed. I had grabbed one of the small hand held baskets that they kept by the front doors and started putting things in there to make a salad. Once I started thinking about food my appetite came back so I went and grabbed a couple of filets from the meat section. I picked up some baking potatoes and then headed for the wine section.

I figured that since I was doing this, I should do it right and celebrate appropriately. It might make the evening easier to get through, as long as I didn't over do it.

While I was perusing the available selections I noticed that someone had come to stand beside me. At first I figured that it was someone shopping, just like I was. When they didn't move I glanced up, right in to the face of the one person that I had hoped to never have to see again.

I was frozen for a second. I was surprised enough that she was standing there, next to me. But the fact that she was openly glaring at me caused my throat to close up. I couldn't do anything but look at her and she was extremely angry.

I didn't have to ask why. She started raining words on me that would have made me blush any other day of the week. I couldn't break away from the look of fury on her face. I had never seen her like this before.

I didn't have time to react, though we must have been standing there for some time. Once she was finished telling me every thought she'd ever had about me, she turned and walked away. There were a few bystanders that had heard. They all looked at me, some sympathetically, and some laughing.

I turned back to the shelf, grabbed two bottles of champagne, and went to find my mom. One bottle was for after dinner, and one was for after Jake left. I was going to drown this out of my memory if I could.

I found my mom in the frozen food section, but didn't tell her what had happened. She knew something was bothering me, but she must have guessed that it had something to do with everything else that had happened.

I followed my mom for the rest of our trip. I was hoping that if we ran in to her again she would leave me alone. I stayed pretty quiet. I was trying to figure out what she was doing here, and how she knew. I hadn't told anyone but Rosalie the full story, and I know she didn't tell her.

Was her anger just a sample of Edwards? Did he actually tell her what happened? I couldn't believe that he would say those kinds of things about me. Then again, he could have. I wanted to find out, but knew that I wasn't going to ask him. I didn't even know if I would ever see him again.

She might know because maybe Edward was getting ready to move out. Maybe he was leaving for good and needed her help. I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I didn't say anything on the way home, or during lunch. I took a shower and tried to wash the sound of her voice out of my head. I kept hearing it in my head, calling me names and making accusations. Most of it wasn't anything I hadn't said to myself, but it hurt worse hearing it from someone else.

I debated for the rest of the night whether or not to call Rose. I eventually did, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her about what happened. She invited me to come with her and Em to a bar the next night, but I just wasn't up to it. I didn't want to celebrate in public, and I didn't want to make Jake pretend that he was having a good time watching me sulk.

I went to bed questioning everything about myself. I thought I had already been through my journey of self discovery, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn't know myself half as well as I thought. It's possible that I wasn't a very nice person. Look what I was doing to Jake. I should have sent him away, but instead I was keeping him around in some misguided attempt at self-preservation.

I decided that it was probably time for me to start looking for a job. I would find a new job in another city, and leave. Everyone was probably better off that way.