Drunken Rants

My mom had spent the day sleeping since she was working that night. I kept myself busy by cleaning up around the house and going through my clothes. There were a lot that I hadn't worn recently, and probably wouldn't ever again. I needed to purge some things and take them to the goodwill or something.

I put them in bags and left them near the pile of my dad's things that were being given away. Maybe mom knew someone that would want them. After I had done everything I could think of I turned on the TV and watched some special about a rising trend in teen pregnancy. When that was over I started flipping through channels.

My mom woke up a few minutes later, and came in the living room dressed for work.

"Well, I've got to run. Have fun tonight, but be easy on Jacob. Don't make him think you're offering something more than what you can handle right now."

"Bye mom, have a good time at work." I decided to ignore everything except the very beginning of what she'd said.

She gave me a look, then grabbed her pocket book and walked out the door. If she was leaving then it must be getting close to four-thirty. Jake would be here soon, and I was already hungry, so I went in the kitchen to get dinner started.

I grabbed the champagne that had been sitting in the refrigerator, popped the cork, and poured some in to a wine glass. We didn't own champagne glasses, and I had only had it once before. I was still wound up from being verbally assaulted the day before, so I needed something to help me unwind.

I had waited too late to start baking the potatoes so I peeled them, sliced them, and placed them in a dish in the microwave. It would be the same thing, just no skin to deal with. I went outside and lit the grill. I never understood why people didn't use grills during the winter.

I went back in and started getting the salad together. I was almost finished, with the salad and my champagne, when I saw Jake coming down the sidewalk leading up to the front door. I went to open the door before he knocked and let him in.

"Hey, I'm about to finish up with the salad. The potatoes are still cooking, and I'm gonna put the steaks on as soon as the grill warms up."

"Sounds good." He took off his coat while I shut the door behind him.

He followed me in to the kitchen and took the stool where he had sat just two days before. I offered him some champagne, but he didn't want any. I poured myself another glass.

We made small talk, and I tried to be upbeat like I used to be. He seemed to be struggling too, but I didn't know why. Eventually we just let the conversation die down and I went outside to put the steaks on the grill.

When I came back in he was standing up putting his coat back on.

"Where're you going?" I thought that maybe he had left something in his car.

"I'm gonna take off." He was looking down when he said it.

"What? Why? Did I do something?"

"You've changed, Bella. You aren't the same girl that I knew before. You used to joke and laugh all the time, now I can't even get a smile out of you. Every time you get quiet I wonder if you're thinking about him, and it's not fair to me. I know what you're doing, I've been there too. You think that if I hang around long enough you might get over him. Just because I understand it doesn't mean I like it. You're talking to me like we just met, and I don't want to watch you self-destruct, because that's what's coming. I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. I hope one day you can learn to enjoy it again too."

I looked at him, feeling completely ashamed because he was right. I was being selfish, instead of selfless. I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be the girl he knew before, I was so much happier then. But I couldn't pretend that it was going to automatically happen anymore.

I reached out and took his hand. "I'm sorry, Jake. You're a really great guy. It hurts because I know if I had dealt with this years ago you would be exactly the kind of guy I would want to be with now. I know it's no consolation, but I was really starting to like you."

"I know. I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for."

With that, he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

"Bye Bella."

"Bye Jake."

He let himself out and I watched him walk back to his car. I felt sorry, but at the same time I felt a little bit relieved. Once he pulled out I realized that I was now all alone with dinner for two on New Year's Eve.

I went back out and turned the steaks over, but ran back inside. The sun had been down for a while now and it was getting extremely cold. I picked up my wine glass and took a few more sips of champagne. I was starting to carry a bit of a buzz, but it felt good.

I stirred the potatoes which had finished cooking, and added some butter and salt. I put together a plate for myself, and one more that I would put up for mom to have tomorrow. I ran outside and grabbed the steaks off the grill, then realized that at some point I had finished my second glass. Hmm, wasn't sure when that happened.

I put moms plate in the refrigerator, then carried mine to the table. I realized that it was very quiet in the house, too quiet. Something clicked in my head and I realized that I was the only person making myself miserable. No one else was here to do it. I had been the one choosing to feel bad all day. I was the one that chose to mope around like the world had ended. No more. I was tired of hating myself and feeling bad all of the time. I wanted to feel good again.

I walked over to the stereo and turned it on, setting the volume uncomfortably high. I wanted to forget about everything for a little while. I went to my room and put on a pair of pajama shorts that I had stolen from an old roommate years ago, and a blue tank top. It was getting kind of warm in the house.

I went back to the table and sat down to eat. I was concentrating on my food, but the music had worked its way in to my head. I started dancing in my chair and singing along while I ate. I went and grabbed another glass of champagne to go with my food. I danced my way back to the table and finished eating. I had been sitting there for a few minutes before I looked up, so I don't know how long he had been there.

Edward was standing on the back porch, watching me through the door. Perfect. I was sick of avoiding him anyway. I smiled the biggest smile I could fit on my face and motioned for him to come in. He hesitated, but came in anyway.

He walked straight to the stereo and turned the volume almost all the way down. I was finished with my food so I grabbed my dishes and crossed in to the living room behind him. I walked over to the stereo and turned the volume back up. I danced my way in to the kitchen, feeling like I didn't have a care in the world. I placed the dishes in the sink and heard him turn the stereo completely off.

"I was listening to that." I was surprised at how carefree my voice sounded.

I turned and grabbed the champagne from the refrigerator, and filled my glass just as he was coming around the corner.

"Bella we need to talk."

"No, we don't. Everything has already been said, don't worry about it."

"How much have you had to drink?"

I picked up the empty bottle, held it up in front of my face, and squinted just for effect.

"Looks like... a whole bottle. Just let me finish this glass and then, yep, it'll be a whole bottle."

I started in his direction, dropped the bottle in the trash, then brushed past him to go turn the stereo back on. I hit the power button and took a big sip from my glass.

He was right behind me, turning it off again.

"Like I said, we need to talk."

"No, you feel the need to talk. I don't have anything left to say." I sat sideways on the couch and patted the cushion in front of me. "So talk Edward, get it all off your chest, but I've got to tell you that I think your mom made everything perfectly clear the yesterday."

I took another big gulp from my glass as he sat down. Something I said must not have come out right because he looked confused.

"What are you talking about, when did you see my mom?"

"Oh, did she not tell you that she ran in to me at the grocery store?" I wasn't surprised.

He shook his head, and waited for me to go on. Just thinking about it made me a little bit angry so my words were probably more pointed than they should have been.

I laughed a hard laugh, "Well let's just say that she made it perfectly clear what you think about me. I don't need you to clarify it for me now. Then again, if it will make you feel better to say it to my face then go ahead."

I took another swig.

"Please put that down. Tell me exactly what she said."

"Well, let's see, to sum it all up she said that I make you miserable, you don't want to be around me, I've done nothing but hurt you since the day I got back in town, and last but not least, I'm a slut. Speaking of sluts, shouldn't you be out with your girlfriend right now?" I took another gulp. "Don't worry though, if I forgot anything I'm sure we could call some of the eyewitnesses. They seemed to enjoy watching it."

I took another swig, the glass was almost empty again.

"You don't seriously think that I told her that stuff do you?" He was angry at me.

"Why wouldn't I Edward? She's your mom. She's right too. The only thing that she's got wrong is the slut part, at least I can safely say that she totally screwed the pooch on that one. I couldn't even fuck another guy. I've only ever had sex with you. Even if I wanted to be a slut, apparently I could only ever be yours."

I went to take another sip, but he took the glass from my hand and sat it on the table.

"I think you're done."

I was already mad, so I stood up and grabbed the glass. I turned it all the way up, finishing every drop. I took the glass away from my face and licked the rim for good measure. I tossed the glass to him.

"No, now I'm done."

The glass fell short and shattered on the hardwood floor at his feet. He didn't say anything. He just watched the pieces scatter across the floor.

I went to the kitchen to get the broom and dustpan. I didn't make it past the sink though because my stomach decided to empty out everything I had put in it. I laid my head on the cool countertop and realized that the room was still moving. I rinsed out the sink and then my mouth.

I went back after the broom. Once I yanked it free from the mess in the pantry I turned to go back in the living room. But, again, I had to make a stop at the sink. This time I was able to turn the water on first though. When I was finished I tried to cool myself off by putting some water on my face. After I dried it off with the hem of my shirt and I took a few deep breaths.

The room was still spinning, but the thing with being drunk is that you don't know when to stop. I grabbed the broom and spun back around to face the living room. Not a good idea.

I hit the floor, hard. I didn't move because I wasn't sure which way was up. I thought I was laying still, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if I had legs anymore. My eyes were open, but I didn't remember opening them. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, so I turned my head.

"Hey Edward, when did you get here?"

"I've been here for a few minutes."

"Oh, okay, well there's some stuff to eat in the fridge if you want it."

"Maybe later, right now we need to get you up."

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I drank too much."

"I think so too."

It felt like I was floating, but I couldn't tell if the ceiling was moving or if it was me. I could see the TV, and then I was laying on the couch, but didn't know how I had gotten there. Someone was leaning over me, but my eyes weren't all the way open and I couldn't tell who it was.

"Hey, whoever you are, Edwards here somewhere, don't let him see me like this."

Then everything went dark.