New Directions

I opened my eyes and saw that the TV was on, but the volume was turned down low. It was dark still. There was an empty pot sitting on the floor, just below where my head was. I saw a glass of water on the coffee table, so I sat up and reached for it.

The room wasn't spinning anymore, but I still didn't feel very good. I put the water back on the table and laid down again. I had to readjust my position because the couch cushion was moving underneath me. Wait, what?

I looked up and saw Edward looking down at me. I was on the couch, but my head was in his lap. I covered my face with my hands. Memories started resurfacing. I moaned in to my hands when I remembered what I had done.

"Are you okay?" He started rubbing my hair.

"No. I feel like crap, for a few different reasons."

He pulled my hands off and turned my chin so that I was looking up at him again.

"Well, you've been asleep for about five hours, so the alcohol should be gone for the most part."

"What time is it?"

"A little after midnight."

"Well, happy freakin' New Year."

He chuckled at me, and I closed my eyes again. My head was pounding.

"Do you remember anything?"

"I wish I could say no."

He put one of his hands on the side of my face and started rubbing his thumb across my cheek. It was too dark to read his expression. The light from the TV cast too many shadows across his features.

"You know, I never said any of that stuff. I don't know where she got her information, but it didn't come from me." There wasn't any doubt that he was referring to the things his mother said.

"Well, it came from somewhere. From the level of detail I can't imagine she made it all up."

I had started sitting up again while I was talking. I put my feet on the floor and noticed that he must have cleaned up the broken glass while I was passed out.

"I would never have said anything like that about you, and you know that." He didn't sound angry any more, just exasperated with me.

"It doesn't matter where it came from, she was right. No matter how much I wish it wasn't true, I've caused you nothing but problems since the first day we met. You would have been a whole lot better off if you'd never met me." The sadness in my voice was extremely obvious.

I went to stand up, but he grabbed my arm and held me on the couch.

"It was probably Tanya, she's pretty upset with me."

"Oh, God, you did tell her. I wish you hadn't done that Edward. I don't want you guys to get in a fight over something that I did. It's not worth it. Tell her I'm sorry."

"She's not mad at you. I didn't tell her anything about what happened between us, but I broke up with her a few days ago. Things started going south for us before you ever got back in town and I just kept putting off the inevitable. It's not your fault. I hate to say it, but I wanted to do it before the benefit dinner. I just couldn't deal with seeing you and Jacob together and I thought it would be easier if she was there. The only reason I didn't do it sooner was because she was at school, and I owed it to her to do it face to face."

"I'm sorry, I know you loved her."

He let go of my arm, but I didn't move to get up again. I just sat there, staring at the floor.

"So, I saw Jacob leaving earlier, where'd he run off to?"

"Away from me. He ran away from me. I seem to have that effect on people. He ran away, you ran away, who knows, maybe my mom is running away right now." I tried to laugh, but it didn't come out right.

"I didn't run away from you, Bella. I had a job that I had to go do out of town. I left early so I could get by to see Tanya." He scooted a little bit closer to where I was sitting. "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you while I was gone, I just wanted to wait until we could really talk it out. And I wanted the whole Tanya thing to be out of the way and done with."

My head was too foggy to even respond to that, so I just didn't say anything at all.

"So, I guess you and Jacob aren't seeing each other anymore?"

"No. I should have cut him loose when he first got back in town, but I needed somebody to pick up the pieces. I just didn't realize that I could do it on my own. He knew it was over, so he left."

"So, we're both single again, huh?"

"I'm really sorry about that, are you okay?"

"Bella, I wasn't in love with her. There's only one girl I've ever been in love with, so yeah, I'm kind of okay." He put his hand on my knee.

"Edward, look, I know that you're feeling vulnerable right now. Don't do this. I don't want to go back down this road again. It hurts too much."

I stood up and went in to the kitchen. I started washing out the sink again, and cleaning the dishes that had gotten dirty. He followed me and sat on a stool across the counter from me. I didn't look at him, I knew what would happen if I did, and I didn't feel like crying right now.

"I thought you said you love me."

"What?" That stopped me dead in my tracks.

"When you left the other night, you said you love me. Were you lying?"

I couldn't answer him. I just started washing the dishes again. I tried to speak, but nothing would come out. I figured another truth was easier to give him.

"You don't love me anymore, Edward. So what does it matter how I feel?"

"Bella, do you ever get tired of being wrong? I do love you. I can't believe that you haven't seen that." He pushed his hands in to his hair. "I've been following you around like a lost puppy ever since you came back to town. I've been going crazy trying to not rip your clothes off ever since that night we had to take our ice cream out to the shop. The other night I just couldn't help myself anymore. You were right there, and your skin was just so soft... I could have died when you started kissing me back. I knew you were right about me needing to come clean to Tanya, so I did. I didn't do it for her though. I did it for you because I know you're too good of a person to be with me unless I did it the right way. I need you to understand that I would give up everything just to be with you. I want you Bella, and I want you to want me." His hands kept tugging at his hair, and his words flew out so fast that I wasn't sure I had caught all of them. He was borderline frantic.

I let the water drain out of the sink, and tried to pull my thoughts together. My head was just hurting too bad. I turned and grabbed some Tylenol from the cabinet. I filled a glass with some water and swallowed the pills. I turned back around and steadied myself against the counter.

"Love and lust are two different things. Just because you're attracted to me doesn't mean you want to be with me. It just means you want to sleep with me."

That pissed him off. He actually started almost yelling, "I know that I'm probably not half the man as some of the guys you've been with, but I'm not an idiot. Give me a break!"

I had to look at him and laugh this time, even there wasn't any humor in it.

"What?"

"Edward, I've never been with another man. I couldn't do it. I tried, believe me, I tried, but I couldn't ever go through with it. It never felt right. It never felt like it did when I was with you, and I couldn't ever go through with it. Something in my chest would, jut, tear at me so terribly that I always had to stop it. Hell, I never even actually got any of my clothes off before I flipped on the crazy switch and bolted. So I just gave up. Jacob is the first guy I've even kissed in two years, and look how well that turned out.

"You know when I realized that I was being an idiot? One night I went to a guys apartment and we started making out pretty heavy, I was planning to go all the way with him. We were on the couch and he started unbottoning my shirt when I asked him if he had a condom." I wiped at my eyes. I didn't want to tell him about this, but I had to make him understand. "He just laughed and said that I had told him I was on birth control, and he was right. He wanted to have sex without a condom, and I looked him dead in the eye and never missed a beat when I told laughed and told him that I didn't know him that well. Not well enough to trust that he was clean."

I had to clear my throat because I was fighting the tears back as hard as I could. "So anyway, when he got up to go find one, I left. I didn't even realize how heavy those words were when I said them. I was about to do something serious with a guy that I barely knew. Sex isn't casual to me, no matter how badly I wanted it to be, or how often people said that it should be. I didn't know him well enough to trust him without a condom, and really all it is is a thin piece of rubber. The act is the same whether or not that protection is there, it only protects me from getting STD's. It wouldn't have protected me from the shame or disgust I would have felt afterwards. It wouldn't have protected me from knowing that I didn't love him, and he wasn't you."

He looked stunned. I know he said he believed me when I said that I didn't leave him for someone else, and that I hadn't been with anyone since him, but apparently the truth of my words didn't really hit home for him until now. I looked back down at the floor. I needed to get out of there.

"I smell like vomit, and I look ridiculous. My head hurts. I'm going to take a shower."

I walked quickly down the hallway to the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as I could get it to go. I grabbed my toothbrush and took it in the shower with me. I brushed my teeth, then washed my hair twice. I was still too confused and scared to get back out so I shaved my legs. I knew I couldn't hide forever, so I brushed my teeth one more time, then got out.

Edward said that he loves me. What was I supposed to do with that? We've always been attracted to each other, and I know that he was still attracted to me now, but could it really be more than that for him? Could he actually still love me, after all I'd put him through?

I snuck across the hall to my room to get dressed. I wrapped my hair in my towel and found the first pair of jeans I could get my hands on. They were covered with holes, but they were comfortable. I pulled on an old t-shirt and went back in to the kitchen.

He was still there. He was warming something up in the microwave, and I could smell the aroma of coffee in the air. I hopped up on to the counter behind him and slid back until my knees met the edge.

He pulled the cup from the microwave and handed it to me.

"I thought this might help."

"Thanks. My head isn't hurting anymore."

I took a sip and then wrapped both hands around it's warmth.

"So that's it? You don't have anything else to say?" He looked stunned.

I sighed and my shoulders sagged. I didn't know what he wanted from me. This was just all too impossible to fix in one semi-drunken conversation. I didn't know what else to do so I just took another sip of the coffee.

"Alright, fine. I'll go first." He pushed away from where he was standing and came to a stop just in front of me. "Bella, I am in love with you. I know that you're scared, I can see it in your eyes. You can't lie to me anymore, I know you feel the same way. I want you to know that there isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for you."

"You don't mean it. You just got caught up in the moment the other night, and you're confused. I hurt you too much for there to be any kind of feelings left towards me."

"I get why you did it Bella. It hurt like hell, but it wasn't completely unbearable. The worst part out of everything was having to watch you with Jacob. That night I saw you walk in the room at the benefit dinner I knew I was in serious trouble. I had been falling back in love with you since you got home, but I fought it because you didn't feel the same way. But when you showed up there, everyone else in that place disappeared. I couldn't take my eyes off you all night. I had to watch Jacob touch you, and dance with you, and kiss you. I had to watch you smile at him like he was someone special to you. Once I had you in my arms again when we danced, I didn't know how to let go of you. These past two months have been the best and worst of my life. I got to spend time with you again, but I couldn't do it the way I wanted to. I love you."

I placed the coffee mug on the counter and grasped the edges instead, studying them intently. He reached for my hand, but I pulled it back. His hands shot up and grasped the sides of my face, forcing me to look up at him. His eyes were angry. Very angry, and very hurt.

"DAMNIT BELLA, SAY SOMETHING!"

"What do you want me to say?" I was shouting back at him.

"I don't know, but you have to say something, you can't keep everything bottled up anymore!" He was breathing so hard that it was moving the few strands of hair that were hanging in my eyes.

"Fine! I'm in love with you Edward! I can't get you out of my head! I thought we were friends, but I was wrong! I can't be friends with you because I love you! You're the first person I think of every morning, and the last person I think of at night! I ache inside because I don't get to feel you hold me! I want you like I have never wanted anything else in my entire life! I want to forget that the last four years ever happened, but I can't! I don't know what to do anymore! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

The tears had started falling and I couldn't stop them. I wanted to wipe at my face to clear them, but his arms and hands were in the way, so I grabbed on to his wrists instead. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. His grip on my face softened slightly as he stepped forward so that he was between my knees. His eyes had suddenly gone from angry, to tender and hopeful, and it caused a whimper to escape my throat.

He pulled the towel off of my hair and started running his other hand through the wet tangles. I tried to straighten it out, tucking it behind my ears, and he took my face in both of his hands again.

"Say it again." His voice was low.

I sniffed. "What?"

"Say that you love me."

He started rubbing my bottom lip with his thumb.

"I love you, Edward. I love you, and I always have."

"Tell me that you want me. That you want to have me in your life as more than just a friend." His voice was thick and warm with emotion.

"I want you." I couldn't break my eyes away from his. There was a fire building up behind them, and it was almost like it sparked something inside me too. My lips were suddenly burning under his fingers. It was like every worry I'd ever had went away with one look and was replaced with a want stronger than anything I had ever felt. He must have seen the look on my face change. He started grinning, pleased that he was able to do that.

"Bella, I need to ask you something."

I didn't trust myself to speak so I nodded my head instead.

"Will you please close your eyes?"

I looked at him, confused, but still didn't speak.

"Just trust me, close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and waited. I felt him push my hair back behind my shoulders, and then his lips brushed the side of my neck. He kissed slowly down its length, then pulled at my shirt collar so that my shoulder was exposed. He trailed kisses down to my shoulder and back. They were light kisses, and he was moving very slowly. He moved back up my neck, and then stopped.

I opened my eyes and swallowed, hard before letting out a ragged breath. He chuckled.

"Are you gonna stop me this time, Bella?"

"No." There was almost no sound to my voice.

"Good."

The next thing I knew he was kissing me with a passion that I wasn't prepared for. He had never been like this with me before. It was different than the way I remembered him. It was new, but it was perfect. His lips moved in synch with mine. His hands were on my face, and our lips were touching, but I could feel him under every inch of my skin.

I held on to his neck as I felt one of his hands slide down to my lower back. He yanked me forward roughly so that there wasn't an inch of space between our bodies, then started grinding his already rock hard dick, pressing the seam of my jeans directly on top of my clit. I gasped and he started kissing my neck again. I reached down and grabbed the bottom of his shirt. I pulled it up, but he didn't move. He wouldn't let me take it off. It was like he couldn't stand the thought of letting me go long enough to do even that.

He was holding me so tight that it was difficult to breathe, but I didn't care. I wrapped my legs around his waist and whispered in his ear, "Edward...please."

He knew what I wanted. He placed his hands under my legs and lifted me up. He never broke our kiss, but he somehow managed to carry me down the hallway to my room.

Once we were in there he laid me down on my bed. I finally got his shirt off and started kissing his neck and chest, pulling my nails firmly across his lower back. A groan sounded from somewhere deep in his throat. That was my cue. When I had him distracted enough, I rolled us over so that I was straddling his lap. Then I got up and headed for the door.

"No! Bella wait, don't go!

When I reached the door I pushed it shut firmly. I turned to face him, and leaned back against the door. I started smiling, then reached behind me, and turned the lock.

"You know how self conscious I am right, Edward? How terrified I am to let anyone see me without any clothes on?"

"Yes, though you have no need to be. Bella, you are the sexiest woman I have ever seen."

"Well, let's just say that from the peek of you that I got a few nights ago, and what I can see now, I think we need to leave the lights on for this." I winked at him and bit my bottom lip.

I pushed myself away from the door, hoping that my eyes weren't too puffy from the crying, and slowly pulled my shirt over my head as I continued to walk closer. I watched as his hands fisted the sheets, trying to keep himself from coming to me. I reached around my back and unclasped my bra, letting it slide down my arms and to the floor. This was a huge step for me, but if I couldn't take it with Edward, then I wouldn't be able to take it with anyone. I wanted him to see how much I was willing to do for him, including pushing past one of my biggest insecurities. I just hoped that it worked for me, and not against me.

Just as I reached the edge of the bed I unbuttoned my jeans and slowly pulled the zipper down. I pressed my fingers against the skin at my hips, trying to slide my jeans down, but he stopped me.

"Wait, just wait."

I nodded and put my hands back at my side, though everything in me was screaming to jump under the covers and hide myself.

"There is nothing more that I would like right now, Bella, than to bury myself inside of you as deep and as fast as I can. That being said, I don't want to ruin this by going too fast."

I frowned, trying to understand what he was saying. He saw my expression and rushed to clarify what he meant.

"No, no, no. I don't mean that I don't want to do this, I just mean that I want to go slowly, if that's okay with you. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, and I want to make it last as long as I can."

Before I could respond he situated himself so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet on the floor. Making sure that he held my gaze, he reached out and pulled me by my hips so that I was standing directly in front of him, between his legs.

I felt, more than saw him bring his hands to my ribcage, just high enough that his thumbs grazed the sides of my breasts, and slowly trailed his fingers all the way down to my pants. Still looking in to my eyes, he guided my pants down, caressing every inch of my thighs, until he reached my knees.

When the jeans had fallen low enough, I steadied myself by placing my hands on his shoulders and then stepped out, sliding them away with my foot.

He finally looked down, where his hands were still trailing circuits up and down my legs, and watched them in fascination. I was very grateful for the fact that I had at least put on some cute panties, nothing sexy, but the pink cotton bikini briefs were good enough.

He slowly watched his hands traverse up my abdomen, up between my breasts, up my neck and finally cupping my face. With his hands he tilted my head far enough back so that I had to arch in to him. I closed my eyes as I felt one hand reach around my back to cup the nape of my neck, and the other trailed back down between my breasts.

His hand drifted to the side and his fingertips slowly circled my nipple. I let out a breathy sigh of pleasure, wanting to beg him for more, but not wanting to spoil the moment with words. I was paying so much attention to his hands that I was taken by complete surprise when I felt the moist warmth of his mouth enclose my other nipple. I could not contain the cry of pleasure that seemingly leapt from my throat.

The sound must have sparked something inside him, because what had started as something gentle and exploring quickly turned to something rough and purposeful.

The movement was so fast that I barely had time to realize what was happening before I was laid flat on my back, on the bed, and he was hovering over me. He took one moment to look at me and then attacked my neck and chest with his lips, tongue, and teeth, all the while pushing himself between my legs.

The buildup had become too much for me and I couldn't wait any longer. My hands fumbled with his belt, but soon enough I felt the leather give way so that I could unclasp the button. I reached for his zipper and pushed it down as quickly and carefully as I could.

I used my feet to push the denim over his hips and down his legs, but before I could get them down he began grinding himself against me again. His and my underwear were the only things separating us at the moment and I think the fire smoldering between my legs could have probably turned them to ash.

He kept pressing himself against me and I couldn't help but moan loudly at each pass. He was doing things to me that he had never done before. When we were younger it was always in and out for him. I only ever got lucky on occasion when there was oral sex involved beforehand. Otherwise there were no orgasms for me. I never thought him selfish though, because I wanted him to have pleasure more than I wanted it for myself. We were young and in love, and we didn't know any better.

I could already tell that tonight was going to be a whole new experience. I briefly felt a bit of devastation at the fact that someone else had taught him this, but it only lasted long enough for him to make another pass.

"Edward, please, I need you, now."

I used my feet to push his boxers down and this time he stood up and pushed them along with his pants all the way off. As soon as he was done with that he placed his face between my legs and made a slow lick up the length of my cotton covered pussy.

Every single particle of oxygen left my body in that moment and I was left spinning. He placed his mouth over me again and blew out a heated breath, before scraping me with his teeth. I felt my underwear give and realized that he was removing it with his mouth.

I couldn't even watch because I knew the visual would be too much. All I could do was bury my hands in my hair and try to distract myself from the overwhelming sensations.

A slight noise caught my attention and I opened my eyes to see Edward rolling a condom on to himself. And, Fuck Me, I swear he must have grown there too. It certainly looked bigger than I remembered it.

I wanted so badly to tell him no, that I didn't want him to wear it. But what about Tanya? Had he slept with her and now used protection? I quickly averted my eyes, because as much as I needed to feel him, I didn't want to ruin the moment by bringing her up.

I scooted myself around so that I was laying the correct way on the bed and watched as he climbed up and over me. He gently rested his weight against me and placed himself at my entrance, but stopped there. He reached up and drew the back of his hand down from my hairline to my jaw.

"Bella, I need you to know... they've always been you. I could never be with another woman without seeing your face. It my head and in my heart, it could only ever be you."

I lifted my head and kissed both his eyelids, then his lips.

"Edward, it's only ever been, and will always only be, you."

He closed his eyes and nodded, then placed his forehead against mine, as he slowly pushed in to me.

We both groaned at the sensation of being together again, not just in the physical sense, but emotionally as well. I never imagined that he would ever love me again, but I was certainly thankful to whatever higher being thought it was necessary to make him just as crazy over me as I was over him.

There were thrusts and pushing and pulling and nipping and touching. There was my first ever orgasm during intercourse. And there was so much love.

It was over before either one of us wanted it to be, but once I went, he was right behind me. We were both sprawled out completely covering my bed, breathing heavily, but smiling widely.

"Holy shit, Edward. I feel like a thirteen year old boy that just touched his first real tit."

"Why is that?"

"Because, Edward, I've never come that quickly in my life."

Edward chuckled and pulled me tighter in to his side.

We had just had the most amazing sex that we had ever had and brave Bella wanted to lay naked with Edward. Unfortunately the brave Bella couldn't hold for long, and once we were both cleaned up I had to put on something to sleep in before snuggling up to his still naked body.

"Edward, don't take this the wrong way, because I don't want to know who or how, but I'm seriously glad that you learned that stuff."

"Me too. I found that working the trifecta is a pretty sucessful way to a woman's orgasm."

"The trifecta?"

"Yeah, pussy, clit, and tits. Touch all three at once with some combination of at least mouth and hands, and you're sure to have one happy lady."

I laughed and nodded, "Duly noted, and eagerly being anticipated."

"As far as how I learned, you'd be surprised. No one actually taught me that."

I looked up at him, questioning how that was possible.

"Well, don't tell anyone, but my mom apparently has a penchant for those dirty romance novels. I've found one or two, and I skimmed a few pages. Needless to say I learned more tricks from those things than any girl. But I do have to admit that I've never been happier or prouder to know that stuff than I am right now."

The lights were off, so I couldn't see it, but I could imagine the look on his face. I could hear the happiness in his voice. I smiled just knowing that I was able to share that with him.

"I love you Edward. I know that there is still a bunch of stuff that we will have to talk about, and I know nothing is fixed, but just know that that will never change. No matter what happens now, I will always love you. It will never be another way for me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I feel the same way Bella. Let's not worry about any of that other stuff right now. For now, just be with me and be happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

"Edward, if I have it my way, that's all you'll ever get."

A/N So... first ever lemon. The original story didn't have one, but since this is fanfic, and so many of you are fond of it, I thought I would give it a shot. Hope it didn't disappoint (or disgust) any of you, lol.