I knew this guy. His name was Murphy and he had this theory: If something can go wrong, it will. I usually chose to ignore such a pessimistic outlook on life but that evening, after the crappy day I had already had, I couldn't help but think that Murphy seemed to know what he was talking about.
As far as first dates go, I've had my fair share of uncomfortable and even awkward ones but never in my life had I been on a date that was so…uniquely bizarre. Granted, it was strange enough going on a first date when another couple was involved. No, I couldn't call Michael and Jan a couple, 'insane lunatics' is a better description. Anyway, it was strange enough being on a supposed double date with your girlfriend's boss and, well, whatever Michael was, the fact that it reached heights of extreme embarrassment is putting it mildly. My point is, after Pam and I made it safely to the other side of the street, and stood in awe watching the smoke omit from the restaurant, I vowed I would never go on another first date. It ended up being a vow I would never break.
On the way over the restaurant, long before any insanity started, I had an ill feeling about the situation and told Pam that I thought we should get out of it. "Is it really that important?" I asked as I drove her to the tiny French restaurant on the other side of the town. Michael and Jan had thankfully decided to drive separately. "I mean, she can't fire you or anything if we just don't show up, right?"
"It's Jan," Pam said as she nervously played with the gold chain around her neck. "She might. Jim, I'm so sorry, really, I promise, we'll order, eat quickly, then get out, okay?"
I knew it wasn't her ideal situation either and tried to be as supportive as possible. "That's fine, I mean, how bad could it be?"
Her eyebrows rose. "How can you say that when you have been at the festival the past few days?"
I gave her a lop-sided smile. "Eat and out, got it," I reiterated hoping that this little excursion wouldn't take too long and that Pam and I could finally have some alone time together.
When we arrived at Le Fromage, Michael and Jan were already waiting for us. Jan had a complimentary cocktail in her hand and swayed easily back and forth making me think that it wasn't her first one. The restaurant was incredibly busy and we had to push through the other parties to greet them. They were sitting in a couple of chairs, backed into the corner, near the entrance. "Pam, I am so glad you made it," Jan said in a false warm tone, "Jim, nice to see you again." Michael waved and gave a weak smile. It had only been ten minutes or so, but Jan's demeanor had changed dramatically, which made me a little weary.
We looked around for more chairs, but there were so many people there, that there were no open places for Pam and I to sit, therefore we had to stand as we waited. Jan noticed this and scolded Michael over his own chair, "Michael, get up so Pam can have a place to sit."
"But my legs hurt," Michael complained. "I still have my injury from falling out of the tree."
"That was two days ago and you're being rude," Jan sneered, "Besides, Pam is a lady, she should be sitting down."
"No, I'm fine," Pam said. I could tell she desperately wanted to keep the peace. Jan and Michael both seemed to be in a fragile state of mind.
"No, Michael has to learn how to not be rude," Jan pushed Michael out of his chair and Michael reluctantly stood up. Pam stared at the seat, hesitant to sit next to Jan. "Sit, Pam, sit," Jan barked. Pam did so immediately.
None of us said anything while we waited. Pam watched the people come in and out of the restaurant. People were filling the lobby quickly, pushing the four of us closer together. I had my eyes fixated on a simple picture of flowers located on the beige wall above Pam's head. I had plenty of things I wanted to say, but didn't feel like having any conversation with Pam with Michael and Jan right there.
Michael was intently listening to the classical music playing overhead. "Why do they always play classical music at these fancy places?" Michael asked finally. "Wouldn't it be great if they played rock and roll or something to lighten the mood. This music makes this place feel so tensious."
"It sets the romantic atmosphere," Jan snapped.
"Music made for elevators is not romantic," Michael argued back, "Oh wait…I think this is Yo Yo Ma."
There was a clarinet and flute duet going on, it couldn't be Yo Yo Ma, but I didn't say anything, Jan did. "Yo Yo Ma plays the violin," she pointed out.
"No he doesn't," Michael shot back, "I know, cause this is the famous recording Yo Yo Ma did of Beethoven's 12th symphony."
Pam and I exchanged confused looks. "Yo Yo Ma plays the cello and Beethoven didn't write twelve symphonies, only nine were complete," I finally informed them hoping the argument would stop. Michael and Jan were already beginning to get looks from other the parties that were waiting.
Jan looked at me hard. "I'm pretty sure he plays the violin," she stated again. "But I wouldn't expect a sports reporter to know much about music."
"No, he's right," Pam said coming to my defense but Jan shot her a glare, which Pam took as a cue to stop talking. If I had known that this was an indication of how the rest of the night was going to go, I would have taken Pam out of there at that moment.
The minutes of agonizing silence went on until nearly an hour had passed. Pam clutched her stomach, obviously hungry and I figured she hadn't eaten since our lunch hours ago. "Um, you guys did put the name of our party down, right?" I asked, fearing another glare from Jan.
"Michael put it down when we first got here," she said harshly. She turned towards him because even she knew that Michael wasn't always trusted. "Right?"
"Well, three other parties out of four have gone in," Pam complained. "And they all got here after us."
"Hey, I put our name down," Michael insisted not liking that we were ganging up on him. "Just listen for the name Scarn. I gave the name Michael Scarn, after my alter ego. I thought it would be funny." He let out a little giggle.
"Scarn!" Pam said, clearly upset. "They called that name forty minutes ago."
"Was that when I was in the bathroom?" Michael asked, not getting what he had done wrong.
"Maybe we should go to another restaurant," I suggested, if nothing else we could find something not nearly so expensive.
"No, no," Jan insisted. "We'll just put our name down now, it shouldn't be too much trouble. They should be able to squeeze us in, in no time."
I didn't know who she was trying to kid; the lobby was twice as crowded as when we got here. It'd be another hour before we were able to sit down and I hated having to watch Pam rock back and forth with hunger pains in her stomach. "I'll take care of it," I said making my way through the crowd of people towards the hostess.
There was an old couple in front of me and I had to wait until they were done until I could talk to her. They were hard of hearing and with the noise in the lobby; it made it difficult for them to communicate to the hostess. Eventually they were done and stepped aside so I could make my request.
I was lucky that the hostess was a young, cute blonde girl, instead of the stuffy older gentleman who had been hosting when we got here. I figured I could use it to my advantage. I leaned on the podium so my face was close to hers. "Hi," I said using my most charming voice and smile.
"Hi," she let out a giggle and I noticed her cheeks turn a little flush. I was slightly amused that my plan might actually work.
"My party was called earlier but we missed the call. Do you think we can get a table now anyway?" I asked.
She seemed flustered as she flipped through the papers on the podium, "I don't think so…" she stuttered. "If you missed your call, then you're going to have to wait." She looked like she was having a hard time telling me this.
I leaned in farther, my face close to hers. "Listen," I scanned her nametag, "Krissy. You like romantic stories right?" I said in a low and slightly seductive tone. I felt a little strange doing so, especially with Pam across the way but Krissy was completely hooked and so I went with it. Krissy nodded her head, unable to look me in the eye. "See that girl sitting over there below the painting. That's my girlfriend. It's our anniversary. One year ago, at this restaurant, we started dating and tonight I was going to propose at the exact moment we made it official. But that moment is coming soon, so if we don't have a table, I'm not going to be able to pull it off. Then my girlfriend would be sad and her parents, that couple with her, would be upset. Please don't let this moment be ruined for us."
Krissy looked incredibly intrigued by story. "Alright…" she stuttered, "But it's going to cost you."
"What?" I asked sharply, breaking character. She held out her hand. "How much?"
"Fifty dollars," she said. Fifty? Maybe she hadn't been as taken in as I thought or at least knew how to make a quick buck.
I pulled out my wallet and grabbed three twenties. "Here, keep the change." I said glumly.
She counted her money happily. "Alright, you're at the top of the list," she said. "Good luck," she offered as I made my way back to our party.
"Were you flirting with the hostess?" Pam asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Would you like to stay here for another hour?" I shot back. Pam let it drop.
Krissy came and got as after only a few minutes. She gave me a wink as she took us to our seats. Pam noticed and gave me a slight glare. Michael mistook the wink for him and grinned back at her.
"You know, you have a very lovely ponytail," Michael complimented as we sat down at the small table. It was located near the kitchen and dimly lit but I couldn't complain too much because at least we had a table now. "I like the ribbons," Michael continued. "They've very pretty."
The hostess looked at him oddly. "Uh, thank you," she replied confused as she placed down our menus.
Jan, however, stared daggers at her not liking that Michael was paying attention to anyone else. In what I believe was an attempt to make Michael just as jealous, Jan began talking to me. "So, Jim," she started. "How lovely that you and Pam have started dating." She gave me a devilish little grin and reached out to grab my upper arm. "You are such an adorable cutie pie." She squeezed my arm a few times and I attempted to pull away from her but she wouldn't let go. "Oh, wow, do you work out?"
My face turned crimson and I turned towards Pam who was watching the whole scene with wide eyes. "Oh, no, not really," I managed to state trying to pull my chair farther away from Jan.
Michael didn't seem to notice Jan's blatant come on to me though. He was too busy watching Krissy walk away, stopping to chat for a moment with an unkempt looking college-aged kid who ended up being our waiter. The boy came over and before he said anything took along look over Pam before turning to me and mouthing the word 'nice'. I could only assume Krissy had told our waiter, who's name tag read Sean, that I was supposedly going to propose.
"Would you like to hear our specials?" he asked finally getting to the important part.
Jan waved them away, "Oh, I'll be ordering for everyone," She stated firmly. Pam and I both began to protest, but she continued. "Look, I thought it would be nice of me to treat everyone tonight, it's only fair that I pick the meals. I think we'll all take the pulled pork platter and we'll need a bottle of your finest champagne. Bring the champagne out pronto," she ordered.
The boy didn't seem to care that we were all annoyed about Jan ordering for us but Pam piped up. "Jan, I can't eat pork."
"What? Why not?" Jan looked insulted.
"I didn't know you were Jewish," Michael said interested.
"I'm not," Pam said hesitantly. It shouldn't have mattered anyway, I thought. "I just get sick when I eat it, so I don't."
"Oh, Pam, don't be silly," Jan said. "She'll have the pork platter too," she told the waiter.
"You know Jan, it's really not good for someone to eat meat that…" Jan shot me a look so fierce that I stopped mid-sentence.
"Why don't we get an appetizer, then," Pam suggested. I could hear her stomach growling and I was getting a bit hungry myself.
"They over price all of that," Jan said dismissively. "Besides, our platters should be filling enough."
"We're kind of backed up," The waiter began to advise. "You might want…" Jan shot him a death look as well, shutting the boy up.
Sean collected our menus and as he passed me, nudged my in the arm "Dude do you have a ring or something you want me to put in a champagne glass?" He said it loud enough that if I had really intended to propose, Pam would have heard. I shook my head vehemently.
Pam, looking curious, leaned over to me. "What was that all about?" she asked.
"Uh," I started. I never thought, even jokingly, that I would have to bring up marriage on the first date. "I may have mentioned that I was proposing to you to get our seats faster."
"What?" Pam looked stunned.
"Do you know who he reminds me of?" Jan asked interrupting our conversation. "The waiter, I mean."
"Zac Efron?" Michael said effortlessly, "He kind of has that cute, kind quality that I know Zac Efron has."
Pam and I exchanged humored looks. Jan scrunched her nose, "No, my old assistant, Hunter."
"Gah," Michael said disgusted. "I hated that guy."
"You just don't like him because he did a better job than you." Jan said. I had to wonder if she had come to dinner a little drunk, because she had no hesitance in what she said at all. "He was really good," she stated somewhat suggestively. "It's too bad he had to start a band."
"Yeah, but he sucks at that," Michael commented.
"He has two albums out," Jan said defensively.
"Yeah, well I'm almost done with my screen play," Michael came back, a little louder. "And when that becomes a movie and makes a million dollars and stars Brad Pitt, then who will be doing better. A feature film is worth more than two albums. Go to any electronics store, they'll tell you."
"No, no," Jan argued. "That is not how that works. Besides, your stupid screenplay is never going to get sold."
"You are just jealous," Michael argued back.
"Oh, really, of what?" Jan challenged.
"Um, Jan," Pam said, interrupting the awkward stare down Michael and Jan were having. I could tell she was trying hard not to make the situation any worse than it was. "Maybe we should talk about something else. The festival seemed to do very well today."
"Oh yes," Jan answered distractedly. "You know what, let's not talk about the museum. Oh, that reminds me," her eyes grew wide and for a moment I was a little scared of what she might say or do. "Pam, I wanted to show you what I've been working on lately. When I'm not working on museum things." She dug through her purse, pulled out three very thick candles, and placed them on the table. "I have a new line of candles coming out. Serenity by Jan is my side business," She informed me when I gave her a confused look. Apparently, Pam looked just as shocked to hear this news. "And I wanted you to have first look."
"Alright," Pam said, a little hesitant. She picked the first one up and sniffed it. "Wow," she said with a false smile and quickly handed the candle to me.
I sniffed it, but only smelled the wax. "What is it?" I asked trying not to sound to offensive.
"It's fire." Jan responded, her eyes growing dark with pride.
"Ingenious," I replied with a little bit of sarcasm. I placed that one down and picked up the light yellow candle while Pam picked up the dark blue one.
"Oh, is this denim?" she asked carefully.
"Amazing isn't it," Jan said excitedly. "And yours is citrus, well…coconut and lemon."
I took a whiff and nearly chocked, it smelled like floor cleaner. I offered it to Pam, but she declined. Jan then pulled out a large white candle. And placed it on the table in the middle of the others.
"This is my newest one, snow," she said simply.
"I came up with that idea," Michael said proudly.
"You did not," Jan argued, taking out her lighter. "Well, to get the full effect, we have to light them,"
"Um, Jan, are you sure you want to do that?" I asked. The table was clothed and neither Michael nor Jan was being very careful with their arms.
"Oh, they'll be fine," Jan said leaning over to light them with her cigarette lighter. "Look, these candles are lit," she said, referring to the small tiny candles that were flickering inside a closed, ceramic decorative lantern. I didn't think that was the same thing but I was too afraid to argue with her. Once the candles were lit, the aroma quickly floated throughout the restaurant. The mixtures of smells did not blend well, making Pam and I gag a little. "Isn't that amazing," Jan said, brushing the air towards her so she could take a deep breath in.
"So, Jan, you decided to start your own company. I had no idea," Pam mentioned trying to be conversational.
"Yes, yes one day I just had this brilliant idea that I could make my own candles. Have scents that real people want. Not those lame flowery scents that people get from those horribly over-priced gift shops," Jan explained. "You know, if the two of you invest in my company, say a good ten thousand dollars, you have no idea how much it'll be helping us out. Plus, I'll throw in a few free candles."
"Ten thousand?" Pam gasped looking over at me in awe. The two of us combined probably didn't have ten thousand dollars.
"Yes, then maybe Jim could get us a good deal on ad space in the newspaper," Jan said lightly. "I mean, come on Pam, what's the point of sleeping with someone if you can't anything beneficial out of it." She let out a high laugh.
"Oh my," Pam responded, her jaw dropping a little.
I raised my eyebrows, shocked at the words coming out of Jan's mouth. I then had to wonder what she was getting from Michael then and why all of Pam's coworkers automatically assumed that we were not only sleeping together but also that she was getting something out of the deal. "Oh, it doesn't work like that," I said trying to play it off as a joke but I couldn't quite find the humor in the situation.
Thankfully, the waiter came with our drinks but when he went to open the bottle of champagne, Michael stood up so he could help.
"Let me do it," Michael insisted, grabbing at the bottle.
"No, it's my job," the boy said pulling back on the bottle in an attempt to wrestle it out of Michael's hands.
The two continued to struggled with the bottle until they both let go, causing the bottle to shatter on the table making a big crash. Liquid sprayed everywhere, but sense the bottle smashed right in front of me it drenched my entire body with champagne. I shot up when I felt the liquid seep through the fabric. Pam grabbed a few napkins to help absorb some of the moisture.
"What the hell?" I let out taking the napkins from Pam to clean up myself. She started to pick up the broken glass on the table.
"Look what you did," the waiter yelled.
"You should have let me pour it," Michael yelled back.
"That is a hundred dollar bottle of champagne," Jan yelled, standing up herself. "I demand another bottle on the house and a new waiter."
"I am going to go clean myself off," I announced, although no one but Pam was listening. I could hear Jan, Michael, and the waiter yelling all the way to bathroom. They were so loud, that most of the other guests were staring at the commotion.
Right before I walked into the bathroom, Krissy stopped me. "What happened? Oh my god, she said no," she said in a horrified voice.
I shook my head and entered the bathroom without answering her. I tried the best I could to get the alcohol out of my clothes but there weren't any paper towels, so I had to contort myself under the hand dryer to dry some of it off. After about five minutes, I figured it was pointless and until it dried naturally, I would have to look like I peed my pants.
My phone rang and I fished it out of my pocket to see that it was my boss calling. Great, I thought, just want I needed more work issues. "Hello?" I said into the phone trying hard not to sound like was distressed.
"Jim, great, I got a hold of you," Josh said in a chipper voice. "You remember that old golf pro I was telling you about this afternoon?"
I suddenly felt queasy, the last thing I needed was to have to go out and get some interview. "Yeah…" I responded slowly.
"Well, I think we have an address. I'm still trying to work out some of the details," he explained. "But I think we can get you set up for an interview. You're still free tonight, right?"
"Uh, yup," I said not sure of any other possible answer I could give that wouldn't cost me my job.
"Okay, well, keep your phone nearby," he informed me. "I'll let you know when we have some concrete answers."
He said goodbye and I let out a sigh as hung up and placed my phone back in my pocket. When I left, though, I was struck with an idea on how to use my job to get Pam and I out of the awkward Jan and Michael situation.
When I got back to the table things had calmed down and a few bus boys were picking up glass pieces from the floor. But I noticed someone new was sitting in my seat and next to that man was a tiny blonde woman that I recognized as one of the curators of Pam's museum.
"TUNA!" The voice was unmistakable. The goofy grinning Andy Bernard turned around and stood up to give me an uncomfortable hug. "I can't believe you are eating here too." I would have thought that after Pam and I had made him go crazy yesterday he wouldn't be that interested in seeing us again. But I supposed Andy's anger was short lived because his cheeriness seemed to be unquenchable. "I was just telling your lady friend here that it worked out for the best that it didn't work between us. I found my wonderful Angela here." Angela, who didn't look like she was having any fun, flinched at her name. "And now, Pam gets to now have Tuna every night." He laughed at his own bad joke.
Pam looked up at me, shrugging her shoulders helplessly.
"Andy, we should really be going," Angela said firmly.
"No, why don't you guys stay," Michael suggested.
"I think we will," Andy replied, grabbing two chairs from another table.
I saw this was my chance to put my plan in motion and make our exit. "Actually, that would be a good idea because actually, while I was in the bathroom my boss called," I explained. I smiled over at Pam who smiled at me back when she realized what I was doing. "He needs me to cover this hot new story so I really should go. Pam, why don't we take off?"
"We shouldn't keep them waiting," Pam said hurriedly, standing up from her chair and placing her napkin on the table.
"What's the big story," Michael asked curiously.
"Um…it's top secret, Michael," I lied hoping that they wouldn't need a further explanation.
"Well then Pam doesn't have to go, right?" Michael asked. "I mean she's not a reporter or anything. Why don't you go and Pam can stay with us?"
Pam gave me a horrified look. "Well, I'm her ride home," I quickly added. "So…"
"We can give Pam a ride home," Jan said.
I thought quickly, trying to figure out how I could still work it in my favor. If I could at least get out of there, then I could call Pam and get her out too claiming that I had some big emergency. "Ok, I'll see you guys later, thanks for dinner."
Pam, however, didn't understand and thought I was ditching her. "They've already cooked your meal, Jim," she said hurriedly. "If you don't stay, that means we'll have to take it to go," her voice turned serious as she stared me down. "Then, when I give it to you, it will be cold and believe me Jim, you will not like it if your dinner is cold." She stressed the last part and I got the hint. I took my place next to her grateful that Josh hadn't needed me right then because I didn't think I could handle having to actually choose between my job and my girlfriend.
Pam looked at me sadly as I took my seat and I wanted desperately to tell her that I would have never left her but unfortunately I couldn't get a chance to say anything because that would reveal my lie in front of the others.
"Man, what happened to your face?" Andy asked, drawing attention to the fact that I indeed still had a bruised eye. He poked at the bruise twice.
"Please stop," I said miserably, pushing his hand down.
Soon, the six of us were all squished around the table, none of us speaking as we waited for our food. The waiter informed us that because Andy and Angela had arrived all the food would wait until their orders would be done before they would bring them out. The waiter claimed it was restaurant policy but I believed he was holding out because of the champagne bottle incident.
After a time, when I didn't think it could get much worse, I heard a familiar voice call my name. "Jim?" I turned around hoping it really wasn't who I thought it was. Unfortunately, it was. "Jim what are you doing here?" Dwight came up beside me. "You can't afford to eat at a place like this," he informed me.
"Ah, well, then what are you doing here?" I shot back. "You make the same amount of money."
"I always eat here a Friday night, they have the most amazing roasted duck set in a…" his voice cut off when he examined the company I was in. "These are all Scranton Museum people," he observed.
"Good call," I gave him.
His eyes grew wide. "Is this for that big top story?" he came down close to my ear. "You know…the art thieves."
"Yes, Dwight," I gave him not feeling up to arguing. "We are talking about art thieves."
Michael spoke up, a bit confused. "There are art thieves around? Oh, Jim, was that your top secret story?"
Jan, who had been chugging champagne, responded in a somewhat slurred voice. "Oh, god, there aren't any art thieves around here Michael. Who would ever want to steal from our crappy museum?"
Dwight looked at me perplexed. "So there are no art thieves?" Before I could make some sort of response, a few waiters came out with our meals and began placing in front of us. "Ah, the pulled pork platter," Dwight observed. "Great choice, though I do believe it is poisoned because the French originally used a chemical found in rat poison to add flavor to the sauce."
"If it was poisoned, then why would they serve it?" Pam asked astounded as I was about Dwight's statement.
"Population control," Dwight responded.
"Yeah, cause that makes sense," I muttered.
Dwight looked as though he was going to go into some great explanation but his eye caught Angela's. Then something strange happened, something I had never seen Dwight do before. He smiled down at her. Pam looked over at me perplexed when she saw Angela return the smile. Apparently, Angela wasn't known for her pleasantness either. Dwight swiftly grabbed Angela's hand and gave it a tiny kiss.
"Why, hello beautiful lady," he said in a shockingly suave manner. "My name is Dwight K. Schrute."
Angela's pale face gained a little color. "I'm Angela Martin," she said in the sweetest voice I had ever heard her speak in. She continued to let Dwight hold her hand as they stared adoringly at each other.
"Uh, excuse me," Andy cut in. "Are you cutting in on my date?"
"Yes, if that's what you call yourself," Dwight replied.
"I do call myself that," Andy shot back.
"Well, then, we can settle this scientifically," Dwight gave. "I can provide her with shelter and food grown on my farm. I can make weapons and if I needed to, I could kill you with my bare hands. What can you do?"
Andy looked frustrated. "Well, I…I went to Cornell."
"Seriously?" Dwight said unimpressed. "That's all you've got."
Andy stood up from his chair and faced Dwight. "Oh, you haven't seen all I've got," he came back.
"Fine," Dwight said dismissively. "If Angela approves, we will fight for this date the old fashioned way. We will duel for her."
"I approve," Angela said seeming to love the attention she was getting.
"Oh, I really don't think this is a good idea," I pointed out, noticing the other restaurant guests nervously watching the two men circle each other.
"I decided to quit the museum!" Jan called out unexpectedly. Andy and Dwight stopped growling at each other to look at Jan. For the first time, I noticed she had tears streaming down her face.
"What?" Pam asked, unsure whether to believe her or not. "Jan, are you serious?"
"I decided I couldn't take it anymore," she wailed. "The board is going to review my contract this year and I know they wouldn't renew it."
Michael, who had been busy shoveling food in his mouth and therefore had pork and potato all down the front of him, stopped to looking over at her concerned. "I think you'll be alright," he tried to comfort her. He put down his fork and scooted closer to her, resting his hand on her back.
"I'm just so tired of it all," Jan cried. "And they're going to blame me for the museum being sued and they're going to blame me for the crappy festival and…and…" she couldn't get out her last words because she was sobbing too hard.
"It's okay, Jan," Michael said patting her back. "It's okay." As he spoke, he began to choke a little on the pork he was still chewing on. He coughed and few bits of food sprayed all over the table. A big chunk of pork hit Jan squarely on the cheek.
She looked up at him absolutely livid. "You are being incredibly disgusting," she accused.
"Oh, I'm begin disgusting," Michael shot back, his voice rising, causing a few people to turn around. It looked as though Michael had finally reach his breaking point. "You are the one being pathetic, trying to get Pam to invest in your stupid candle company. I told you that was never going to work."
"I am not being pathetic," Jan said firmly, standing up and throwing her napkin on the table, "I'm trying to make a little money because I may not have a job soon. And it's more than you can say with idiotic screenplay that never seems to get done."
"I have writer's block," Michael insisted standing up as well, "You know that, I've told you that a million times."
"And this morning, with the streaking," She continued, obviously letting out a lot of pent up frustration, "What was that? Do you think you were doing the community good running around in the nude? Get a clue, Michael, no one wants to see that."
"You did," Michael shot back. "You said you loved me after I tried to kill myself yesterday."
"Oh my god," Pam muttered.
"What were you trying to prove with that anyway? How desperate you can be?" Jan's voice was harsh. "If it wasn't for the fact that you tried to kill yourself, I might still have a job. The museum might not have to close because you offended some crazy woman. Why can't you ever function like a normal human being?"
"At least I don't need two bottles of wine before I go out to dinner because I can't function without being drunk," Michael shot back he was on the verge of tears.
"Why don't you go to hell, Michael!"
"You go to hell you little…"
"You better think about that statement long and hard." There was a scary look in Jan's eyes.
"That's what she said!" Michael screamed.
Jan finally snapped. She picked up one of her candles and threw it hard at Michael. It hit Michael in the chest and bounced back on to the table knocking over the glasses and finally hitting the other two candles. As soon as the other candles hit the alcohol drenched table flames shot up. I immediately backed away from the table, putting a protective hand in front of Pam as I did so.
"Look what you did!" Michael shouted. By now, the entire restaurant was watching the scene. "You set the table on fire!"
"I can stop that," Dwight said. He went over to the table near us and grabbed the tablecloth. There was a loud shattering sound as the glasses and the dishes clattered on to the table and floor as Dwight pulled the fabric from the table. He then tried to fan out the fire, but instead the fire only seemed to grow eventually catching the tablecloth Dwight was waving around on fire as well. Flames began to shoot off everywhere.
The restaurant began to go into mass hysteria. Smoke filled the place as all the guests began scrambling for the exits. The staff tried to keep people calm but it was no use, everyone was shouting and running around. Dwight with the help of Andy continued to put out the fire to no avail. Jan was still crying and Michael was still trying to yell at her. Thinking I had enough of this insanity, I grabbed Pam's hand and pulled her through the crowd to the exit. Just as we were headed into the lobby, the sprinkler system kicked on, drenching everyone in the vicinity.
Annoyed, hungry, and now wet, we made our way into the parking lot. As we ran to the car, I could hear sirens in the distance. It didn't surprise me one bit. I was about to unlock the car when I noticed Pam had stopped to turn around and look at the building, mesmerized as people and smoke that streamed out of it.
"I can't believe it," she said softly. In the distance we could see Jan and Michael immerge from the restaurant, still screaming at one another.
"I know, crazy, isn't it?"
She looked up at me and frowned. "You weren't really going to leave me, were you?"
"No," I said quickly. "I mean, if I had taken off, I would have definitely gotten you out as well. I would never leave you with that bunch of lunatics."
She looked relieved. "Come on, do you wanna go on a real first date now?" she asked.
"No," I said only half jokingly. "I'm vowing right now never to have another first date. Ever. But if you didn't think this one went that badly, we could skip to the second one."
"I'd like that," she said, smiling broadly before standing on her toes to give me a swift kiss on the cheek.
"Come on," I said grinning. "I know another French restaurant across town that hasn't been burned down yet." She giggled as I unlocked the car.
Every year afterwards, on our anniversary, Pam and I would remember that one night fondly and be proud of the fact that we shared the story of the best worst first date ever.