Deadpool Takes on Voldemort
A Deadpool/Harry Potter Xover
No Pairings (canon pairings may be referenced)
Set during and before HBP
Comedy/Adventure
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Deadpool is hired by Dumbledore to take out Voldemort and his Horcruxes. While Harry spends his time at Hogwarts playing Quidditch and thinking about girls, occasionally even getting a lesson from Dumbles, Dumbledore himself decided that hiring the merc-with-a-mouth (a Muggle and insane to boot) to see if maybe he can take out the Dark Lord without involving any dumb teenagers who might get killed. With Voldemort not seeing Muggles as a threat or anything, could a Muggle actually take him out? Maybe. If he's as good as immortal.
Can magic stand up to cold steel or hot lead? Soon to be with added fire-power!
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For Disclaimer, see profile.
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CHAPTER TWO: MISSION OBJECTIVES
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The next day began with Deadpool wanting to ring up Weasel to tell him the good news.
"Next day? More like two months later! This writer seriously needs to get their priorities sorted and realise I come before unimportant things like education. Or those comic conventions. They didn't even have anything good featuring me." Deadpool deadpanned, "But yeah, must call Weas!"
He soon realised this would be difficult, what with putting a bullet through his phone's wires the day before. Therefore, he was searching the house for any cell phone he might happen across.
"I know I have one somewhere." He muttered to himself as he searched the apartment.
After a fruitless hour of nothing he finally turned to his last option, "Pouches!" He said gleefully, "I must have left it in one of my pouches, I wonder how I didn't realise that at the start? I mean, I'm always trying to find some reason to use those surprisingly pointless – if cool – additions to my completely original - and not at all based on some other guy by a different publishing company - costume."
Rummaging around, Deadpool quickly managed to find several pouch covered belts, which he proceeded to empty onto the floor.
"Let's see..." he said, "Action figure of me, spare ammo, extra mask, Agent X's pancreas, another mask and... ah! Cell phone!"
Picking the phone up from next to the small, shrivelled organ, he dialled in Weasel's number and waited impatiently as it rang.
"Pick up Weas! I've gotten my first job in months." He said to the tone, practising for a few seconds away.
"...Hello?" Weasel said on the other side after about the ninth ring.
"Weas! Finally! What the hell took you so long? I've got big news!" Deadpool said loudly.
"I was busy modifying some weapons" Weasel said, "I had to finish this one submachine gun off before I could pick up."
"Yeah great. Anyway, I got a job! Yeah, I know I haven't done much lately but this job's going completely make up for it. It really pays! Get over here now and bring some gear. Including my teleporter if you've gotten it back on-line, we're going international so it might come in handy."
"Wait, 'we'?" Weas said nervously.
"Yep! You're coming with me, I need someone to watch my back and keep my guns maintained. Now teleport over here now! Don't use my 'porter though, get your own."
"... You know I was the one who built it, but fine. I'll come over with the Penetraitor suit, I fixed it up after Wolverine damaged it at the Hydra base, didn't think I'd get another chance to wear it though. I'm not agreeing to go with you on the mission mind you, we can talk about that when I get there."
"When you hear about the mission you'll change your mind, Weas. It's gonna be so cool!"
"We'll talk about it when I get there. Give me an hour or two to get the stuff together and to get suited up."
"No prob bud, see you soon!" Deadpool said cheerfully before hanging up.
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An hour later, at about ten o'clock Weasel popped into existence just outside Deadpool's apartment and let himself in. He was carrying a large rucksack visibly brimming with tools and weapons. The scrawny man was carrying it easily, which might have been more surprising if he wasn't wearing a green metal suit that was obviously assisting him in carrying the weight.
"Hey Wilson! I've got your stuff!" He yelled into the room as he dropped the sack carefully onto the couch.
Deadpool strolled into the room, his costume was on in full red and black glory and he waved cheerily to Weasel as he made a b-line to the bag on the couch.
"Hey Weas! 'Bout time you showed up. That Dumbly guy said he was sending someone over to give us directions or something this evening."
"Dumbly?" Weas asked warily.
"The guy who hired us. He's name is Dumbly-Door or something. I was focusing on more important things at the time." Staring into the distance for a moment he sighed, "Dear Bea..."
"So what is this mission?" Weas asked after a few minutes, "You said you'd explain it once I got here."
"Oooh! Yeah, I did didn't I?" Deadpool said, scratching his chin with a revolver he'd pulled out of the bag. It had 'Guns Don't Kill People; I Do' engraved down the muzzle with a black and red image of Deadpool's mask next to it. An arrow was connecting the two, since guns aren't known for their subtlety.
"Yeah, this job," Deadpool went on, "It's across the pond or whatever they call it. Merry Old England. The job hasn't been explained too well to me yet actually the guy said he wanted to tell me in person. All he said was something about dangerous magic, wizard schools and saving the world from a terrible fate. Standard stuff really."
Weasel, while being a man of science, was a man of experience more so, and speaking of which; "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This involves magic and you're just going to walk right in there?" Weasel said cautiously, "You do know this might be a trap?"
"Trap?" Deadpool frowned, "How so?"
"Um... The only magic you deal with on a semi-regular basis comes from one guy. And if this is him pulling some ploy to lead you right into something he's set up against you..." Weasel trailed off.
Deadpool was silent for a moment. A rare occasion.
"You're talking about T-Ray aren't you?" Deadpool said looking past Weasel.
"Um... Yeah."
"I hate that guy. Stupid name stealing, life stealing bastard..." Deadpool continued to mutter as he pulled out a unassembled sniper rifle and started clicking it together and checking its scope. It had 'Point This Way Towards Enemy' and an arrow engraved down it. Deadpool turned back to the bag and started humming after a few more minutes checking the gear; ignoring Weasel, who was still standing nervously to the side. Deadpool closed up the bag and swung it onto his back with much metallic scraping noises.
"You're still going to go, aren't you?" Weas sighed.
"Yep." Deadpool said happily, "And what's this 'you' bull about? You know you're coming with me, pal of mine."
"Do I have to?" Weas said unhappily.
"Yep, so pack your big boy pants, we're going to England!"
"...Can't you take Bob instead?"
"But we've got to leave in like I don't know how long!" Deadpool said in (possibly) mock horror, "Bob wouldn't get here in time. Plus, he's not my bestest bud in the whole world who just so happens to be able to fix any of my stuff if it gets wreaked during the mission."
"Do I even have a choice?" Weas sighed.
"Of course not," Deadpool said, "that's unconstitutional! Deadpool's word is always law."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Weas rolled his eyes and with a defeated sigh, walked into Wade's kitchen and grabbed himself a bag of cheese flavoured wheat product which he proceeded to open up. Almost instantaneously, Deadpool appeared behind him and pointed his gun at Weasels head.
"Mine." Deadpool said, grabbing the bag from Weas before slipping the gun back into a holster on his belt.
Weas stared at his friend, "You know, technically it's mine, since I was the one who's been doing your shopping the past few months. That, plus the fact that you haven't done a paying job in even longer means that it's all been coming out of my pocket."
Deadpool pulled his mask half up and grabbed a handful of the puffs.
"What's money between friends?" He smiled before munching down.
"What's some Cheese Puffs between friends?" Weasel shot back.
Deadpool paused, and then smiled, "You know, that's a very good point. Touché Weas. In honour of your friendshipness let us partake in some television and these spoils of war," He motioned dramatically to the Cheese Puffs, "Until this guy shows up that is. And to show how much your friendship means to me, I will even let you choose the show."
"You still got those Battlestar Galactica episodes?" Weas asked cautiously optimistic.
"I think I've still got a few, I had to get rid of a bunch to make room for some Golden Girls reruns and several news reports staring yours truly though. "
"Let's see what you've got." Weas replied, and the two men headed back to the TV room. Deadpool dropped the weapons bag next to the couch in a way that made Weasel wince, and poured the Cheese Puffs into a rather crusty bowl that was already sitting on the table.
Weasel dropped down next to him and shot an inquiring glance at the merc before deciding it was safe picking up the remote. Tuning the TV on, they flicked through the menu until finding one of five left over Battlestar Galactica episodes. Picking one at random, he dropped the remote back on the table and the two started watching.
"So..." Deadpool asked after awhile, "Who isn't a Cylon on this thing? I can't see this show ending easily, or well."
"You're right about one of those things." Weasel said, but in a way that implied the series conclusion didn't take away from the rest of the run.
Only about three quarters of an hour had passed when there was another knock on the door.
Cocking his head Deadpool glanced at the clock, it was only eleven. "Can't be the guy yet, it's not even afternoon, let alone evening." Weas said slightly confused.
"Maybe it's pizza?" Deadpool said getting up.
"You ordered pizza?"
"No, but one can always dream, and my dream includes pizza."
Reaching the door, Deadpool opened it to reveal a tall man with long greasy black hair and a hooked nose. His expression was one of a person being forced to do something he'd much rather not, which was exactly the position he was in not surprisingly. He was also wearing a robe, something which would have been odd if Deadpool hadn't dealt with odder on a regular basis.
"Hey, who are you? You get lost on your way to a gathering or something? Cause I think you might be in the wrong part of town."
The man pulled up his lip slightly in a small sneer, "Are you Deadpool? Heaven help us if this is what the headmaster has had to resort to in these times." The last part wasn't whispered, and was rather drawled out condescendingly.
"That's right, I'm Deadpool; merc with a mouth extraordinaire! How may I be of assistance?" Deadpool said before adding happily, "Able to turn anyone who disrespects me into a quivering mess and shell of the human they once were. And yes, that was a threat."
Ignoring Deadpool's self-professed threat with all but a disbelieving look that seemed to say, 'try your worst', the man said, "My name is Severus Snape. The headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, has graced me with the... fortunate task of taking you to him." The man said, sounding a tad forced, or at least slightly rehearsed.
Weas looked over and asked Deadpool, "I thought you said the guy would be coming late?"
"I did, I don't know how morning and evening got confused. I hope it wasn't my brain that made the mistake though." Deadpool said perplexed.
"If I may speak, when I left England to reach here a few moments ago it was indeed evening. The headmaster must have forgotten to tell you which time zone to be prepared in." Snape interrupted.
Weasel nodded from over at the couch, "Makes sense."
"Well come on in while we grab our things together and so we can head off." Deadpool smiled under his mask.
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Next time: Technology Troubles?
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A/N: Finally got around to writing the second chapter. Sorry about any crappyness, quite a few things bug me in this chapter, but I can't think of how to change them.
The next one will take a while since even though this story is just for fun, I've gotta do some research for it. Mainly weapons related but I've also got to reread the Harry Potter books to get some facts straight, for my other crossover too. I'd love to hear how people think I can improve the story though, and if you have an idea you think would be pretty cool in my story, I'd love to read it and see if it works with the plotline I've already set out, and if so, incorporate it into the fic.
...There's a praying mantis flying around my room.