A/N: This chapter returns to Dave's POV. Parts of this chapter have been borrowed directly from a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine who came out (for the very first time) to me our freshman year in college. We had only known each other a couple of months when he put all of his trust in me and told me his deepest secret. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that it was me he chose to tell. Today he is with a wonderful man whom he has been with for many years and they are very happy. The thought that he might have tried to kill himself (he admitted to thinking about it) is unspeakable.

As always, I do not own any part of Glee.

CHAPTER 6: The Lies I Never Told

I thought I knew what it meant to be exhausted. I had no idea. How can I be this tired and not be able to sleep? There is so much knocking around in my head right now, it's hard to make sense of any of it. The biggest thing I am trying to wrap my mind around is dad's reaction to all of this. I thought he would hate me and be grossed out by me, maybe even throw me out of the house. Kurt's relationship with his dad was one of the things I envied most about him, believing that he had something I never could. It turns out my dad is every bit as awesome as Kurt's. How could I have been so wrong about him? Even knowing this, I don't know what to say to him. I feel so much shame, shame for being different, for hurting Kurt, and for lying. Knowing dad still loves me makes things easier I guess, but I still feel like being gay is horrible and wrong, and if I could take some kind of pill to make it go away I would.

I have heard that there are two kinds of lies: the things we say that are not true, and the things that are true which we don't say. By not being honest about who I am and how I feel, I have been living a lie. Without saying a word I became the biggest liar I know. I feel like a big fat lying freak. At the same time I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that my dad knows. Well, he doesn't know everything, not by a long shot, but he knows basically that I have really strong feelings for another guy. That's both great and scary as hell. I don't know if I can look my dad in the eye when he comes in to talk. He went for a drive, but I know he'll be back soon.

XXX

Oh crap, dad's home! I heard him come in and he's walking down the hall toward my room. My heart is pounding so hard I think it might pop right out of my chest. I want to tell him everything so bad, I hope I have the guts to do it.

XXX

After a couple of minutes dad knocks on my door. I tell him to come in, my voice cracking like it did when I was 13, only this time for a very different reason. I steel myself for the conversation we are about to have, but all he does is pop his head in and say he's ready to talk when I am and then he leaves. I can hear him making his way back to the living room, and there is a huge part of me that wants to follow him. My mom isn't home, and I'd really like to talk to just dad right now.

XXX

As I approach my dad I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, and when he looks up I immediately turn my eyes to the floor. "I guess I'm as ready to talk as I can get at this point, Dad."

"I'm glad son, I really am." He stands up and gives me a big hug, just like the ones he gave me when I was little and really scared. I have never been this scared in my entire life, and I can tell he knows it. "I want to tell you everything dad, but it is so hard to say the words. It's just really humiliating and I don't want you to think I'm disgusting."

"David. I will never think that. I am here to listen and help, not judge."

"Okay. Is it alright if I just start from the beginning and tell you everything up to now?"

"Of course it's alright. Just take your time."

"Can I ask a favor first?"

"Anything at all David. What is it?"

"Well, could you maybe not say anything until I'm totally done? I'm scared that if you do I'll lose my nerve and I won't be able to finish."

"You have my word son. I won't say anything until I've heard everything you want to say."

"Thanks. Okay then." Damn this is awful! I can't look at his face while I tell him, so I pick up a magazine from the end table by the sofa and flip through it without really looking at it while I talk.

"I've always given Kurt and the other Glee kids a hard time, but when Kurt decided to come out and tell everyone he was gay it kind of shook me up. I already thought he was, but as long as he didn't say it I could pretend it wasn't true. If I could do that then I could keep telling myself that there wasn't anything different about me, either. Then he started being all 'out and proud' and, I don't know, I guess it felt like a betrayal. I kept how I felt hidden as long as I could, but I started to get so angry and confused that it got to be too much for me, so I started doing really hateful things to him so I could keep hiding."

"I've known there was something wrong with me for a long time, but I did a really good job of hiding it until Kurt came along. I kind of thought that maybe there was a part of me that was just a little bit like him, because I would find myself staring at him for no good reason. I tried telling myself it was because I thought he was a freak, but the truth is I thought he was really brave and really, um, cute (oh my gosh, I actually said that!) and I was kind of drawn to him in a way that felt really horrible but totally awesome at the same time. I knew I couldn't let anyone find out, so I started shoving him and calling him really ugly names. One day he decided he had enough and he chased after me."

"I went into the boy's locker room to get my stuff ready for football practice. There was no one else in there, so when Kurt came charging in after me I knew I was in trouble if he didn't get out quick. I tried insulting him, but he still kept coming. I threatened to pound him with my fist, but he still wouldn't back off. I accused him of trying to sneak a peek at me, and he said I was too chubby and sweaty for him and that I wasn't his type. I was really hurt by that, but I couldn't say so, and then I was screaming at him to leave me alone, but he just wouldn't! At that moment I thought I wanted to beat the crap out of him, but he got right in my face and I grabbed him and I… and I… I kissed him!"

I can't believe I am actually saying this to my dad! I feel so embarrassed, but at the same time I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's not as hard to tell him as I thought it would be, in fact this is the best I have felt in a really long time.

"He didn't want it. I get why, but I wasn't thinking very clearly and I tried to kiss him again and he shoved me away. I felt so bad I just pounded my fists against the lockers and ran. After that he brought some friend of his to school to try to talk to me, but I was terrified and shoved him and ran away. I was so scared Kurt was going to tell everyone what happened that I started ramping things up to keep him quiet. The next thing I know I am telling him that if he says anything to anyone I'll kill him. I'd never do it though, it was all talk. I could never really hurt him; even I didn't know how true that was until I saw the look on his face. It was after that when we were called into the principal's office. That's what the poem was about, me kissing Kurt and threatening him and hurting him so he wouldn't say anything."

I finally work up the nerve to glance up at my dad. He is sitting with a look on his face that is a little hard to read. He looks like he wants to say something, so I just nod my head and stay quiet.

"David! My goodness David! This is what you've been dealing with all by yourself? No wonder you were behaving so badly, that is an awful lot to be dealing with. I do have a question. Kurt could have, and should have, told someone all of this, and had a very good opportunity to do so, yet he chose not to. Not even his father. My question is why do you think he did that?"

"You know dad, I've been trying to figure that out myself. I guess maybe he knows how bad it could be if people find out about it, and even though he hates me for what I did to him he's still decent enough not to do that to me. I also think he was really embarrassed by it and didn't want anyone to know."

"I think you're right on both counts, son."

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think gay people are perverted and wrong?"

"Well David, I think that they have a very difficult path to travel, and it seems a bit strange to me, but no, I don't think gay people are perverted, and it is not my place to judge whether they are right or wrong."

"Good. Dad?"

"What?"

"Dad, I'm gay."

"I know David, and it's going to be alright."

"I know. I just needed to say the words."

"I think I know what you might have done to yourself if you hadn't. I love you very much, and it would have killed me, too, if you had hurt yourself."

"I love you too dad. I'm sorry about everything I put you and mom through. Do you think I'll ever get to tell Kurt how sorry I am?"

"I don't know. I do know that you need to ask his forgiveness at some point, for you and for him, but it may be a long time, if ever, before he's able to give it to you. Still, that is no reason not to ask."

"I want to dad, I really do. How do I do that though, when I am not even allowed to know where he is?"

"Maybe you could try writing to him again, something a bit less frightening than your poem. Mail it to his house and I am sure he'll get it."

"That's a good idea. I think I will."