Lisbon was the first of the pair to wake the following morning. Only half-awake, she felt the presence of a warm body next to her, arms wrapped around her waist. She smiled softly and snuggled into the embrace; breathing in his scent…Then guilt hit her with the force of a freight train.
How could she have been so stupid?
That was Jane lying next to her. Patrick Jane. The man she was in love with. The man she had spent the last two days trying to avoid like the plague. The man she really didn't want to discover what she was hiding.
And she'd gone and slept with him. He was bound to find out now. If he didn't realise when Cho knocked on the door to escort her to work, then she was sure that something in her demeanour would give her away. The guilt of not telling Jane about the letter was hard enough to bear as it was. She wouldn't be able to keep up the charade after waking up in Jane's arms. He was already suspicious. And she knew that even though he'd given in to her the previous night, he knew that something was wrong with her and he wouldn't give up until he found out what it was.
Lisbon just laid there for a few moments, listening to his slow, heavy breathing. She had never seen him look so calm and peaceful before; it broke her heart. She imagined his face when (because she now knew it was inevitable) he found out about the threat from Red John. He could picture the look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes not only because he was upset about what Red John had said, but also because she'd kept it from him. Lisbon buried her head in her pillow to try and erase the image of his broken face but it just wouldn't disappear.
Carefully, so as not to wake him, she extracted herself from his arms and climbed out of bed, hoping that not feeling his body next to hers would help her forget. She took the robe that hung on the back of her bedroom door and wrapped it around her small frame before heading downstairs.
As Lisbon reached the bottom of the stairs it became apparent just how much she and Jane had wanted each other last night. Their clothes were spread randomly all over her sitting room. She almost smiled when she spotted one of Jane's socks half tucked underneath her curtain; how on earth it had managed to get there Lisbon had no idea. Still, given that it was Jane, it made a strange sort of sense
Lisbon stood at the foot of the stairs just surveying her sitting room. The sight of her and Jane's clothes scattered all over her floor was one that she had always wanted to see. But now that she had, Red John had to ruin everything, he always did.
It caught her eye again; the letter, no longer sitting on her coffee, but knocked surreptitiously underneath her couch so that Jane wouldn't notice it.
Like a sleepwalker, Lisbon walked towards it and picked it up, tracing the words with her fingers. She what had to be done if she really didn't want Jane to discover its contents: she had to hurt him. She had to hurt him to save him, which meant that she had to cause him so much pain that he wouldn't want to talk to her for the remainder of the seven days. Lisbon supposed that she had known what had to be done from the moment she woke up next to Jane, but, like so many other things, she'd pushed it to the back of her mind.
Without thinking, she walked steadily into her kitchen and put the kettle on. She'd wait for Jane to wake up on his before telling him. That way Lisbon could get her head together and work out what she was going to tell him. She brewed herself a cup of coffee, took a seat on her couch and waited staring into the depths of her mug…
His gentle footsteps on the stairs announced his presence to her before he spoke. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there but she knew this was it now or never…
"Morning!" he announced brightly. Lisbon didn't answer, she just took a deep drink from her coffee and stared straight ahead.
"Don't worry Lisbon, I'm not naked. I found a man's robe lurking in the back of your wardrobe. Though I don't really see why you'd be so bothered about seeing me wearing very little after last night," his tone was light and suggestive but Lisbon interrupted him before he could continue in that vein.
"Jane, we need to talk…about last night,"
"Ah," he said sitting down in an armchair opposite Lisbon. "I thought you were going to say that, and I know what you're going to say next: this was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened blah, blah, blah."
"That's because it was," she answered quickly.
"I don't think so Teresa. You mean a lot to me and last night…you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," Jane was going to break her heart if he carried on like he was. So Lisbon tried to take some of the gravity out of what he'd just said.
"So you've fantasized about having sex with me?" Lisbon quipped trying to sound harsh.
"No," Jane corrected quickly. "I mean…not the sex part (which by the way was amazing) I meant kissing you, being close to you. You are so important to me Teresa and I want you to know just how much. I think I lo-"
"No." She couldn't bear to hear him say it; if she did she was sure she'd never be able to push him away when all she wanted to do was hold him close.
"It's true Teresa I-"
"No. I don't feel that way about you Jane. I don't know what came over me last night. I'm the boss and you're he consultant and that's all you've ever been to me. I'm sorry if I led you on." Lisbon could feel her heart fracturing as she spoke. Jane looked like she'd just slapped him across the face. She looked away, trying to hide the tears that appeared in her eyes when she saw his expression.
"You're lying." Jane said his voice thick with emotion.
"No Jane, I'm not Lisbon kept her eyes focussed on her knees, she didn't need to look up to be able to tell how much she'd hurt him.
"Look at me." He demanded. Lisbon kept her eyes locked on her knees.
"Look at me." He repeated, a hint of anger appearing in his voice now. Lisbon did as he asked and immediately wished she hadn't, she hated herself for what she was doing to him. She felt sure that she'd never be able to get the image of Jane's broken, hurt face out of her head.
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."
"Jane you're only making things worse…" she spluttered.
"Do it!" he shouted. Lisbon had never heard Jane sound so angry. "Tell me that you don't love me."
Lisbon's green eyes met Jane's blue and she saw them flash with fury. After a few moments she dropped her gaze. She'd found herself incapable of uttering those words.
"You can't say it can you?" he asked fiercely.
Lisbon shook her head and finally, after days of trying to escape, tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
"Why Teresa? Please just tell me why?" his tone had softened but he still sounded hurt.
"Jane, please…" Lisbon hated how fragile she sounded; she had never broken down like this. Ever. And yet somehow Jane had found the key to unlocking her defences.
"Just tell me why," he repeated insistently. "I know there's something wrong with you I just want to help you please." He sounded so concerned that she finally realised that she couldn't break his heart without breaking her own.
"Patrick, you have to promise me something." She hoped that using his given name would help soothe the situation.
"Anything."
"You have to promise me that when I tell you, you'll still love me." She said.
"I promise Teresa, what on earth..." he stopped mid-sentence as she produced the letter and handed it to him.
Lisbon watched as he read it his eye growing wider with every word. She waited with bated breath for the explosion that she was sure was on its way.
Jane finally looked up from the letter.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me about this," he wasn't shouting, his voice was quiet, calm. But that was somehow worse. Lisbon could tell that he was seething. It reminded her of getting told off by her mother as child and not for a small offence, like teasing one of her brothers, but more for something that required the use of her full name she'd have been less apprehensive if Jane had just screamed at her.
"Patrick, I really am sorry, I just..." her sentence tailed off, she knew the reasons she'd used to justify it to herself probably wouldn't cut it with Jane.
"You just what?" he asked coldly. "Thought I wouldn't be interested in a letter from Red John. He's mine Teresa."
"That's why I didn't tell you. I was scared! I know how you get around Red John cases, I couldn't handle seeing you like that and knowing it was my fault," Lisbon's voice broke a little more with every word.
Jane laughed, but it wasn't his usual jolly laugh, instead it sounded cold and hollow. "Your fault? You think he's doing this to punish you? He's doing it to punish me. I should never have let myself get so close to you!"
But now Lisbon was angry too. "Oh well I'm glad you feel that way. Everything's about you isn't it? Because I had no idea I was putting myself in danger by getting close to you. And besides, I didn't hear you complaining about how close you'd gotten to me ten minutes ago when you denied that sleeping with me was a mistake. What was it you said, having sex with me was amazing? If all you care about is Red John then why are you here? Clearly he means more to you than I ever will." Sarcasm dripped off her every word, she knew he was hurting but she didn't care.
"Lisbon, how could you think that ?" Jane asked, sounding hurt again.
But Lisbon didn't care. "Oh well, let's see shall we?" she asked scathingly. "I show you a letter from Red John in which the psycho says he's going to kill me, and all you care about is the fact that it's from Red John." Lisbon stood up and stormed to the other side of her living room.
"I care about you Teresa. I told you I'm always going to save you, no matter what. And I put you in danger." Jane's voice actually cracked on the last word.
"Don't you dare!" Lisbon yelled, turning towards him "Don't you dare try and make me feel sorry for you! I fell in love with you, I didn't realise until recently but when I did I didn't try and prevent it. So don't you dare try and make out that you put me in danger, I put myself in danger and you know what? I don't regret it, not one bit."
"Why?" Jane asked heatedly "You should regret it. You deserve someone better, someone whole, someone who doesn't need fixing. Until Red John's out of the picture I can't be what you deserve." He turned away from her.
"Patrick..." Lisbon said softly, walking towards him "I want you."
She placed her hand gently on his cheek and turned his head towards her. Tears glistened on his cheeks and she slowly wiped them away with her thumb "I don't care how messed up you are. I don't want anyone else."
"But Red John..." Jane whispered.
"We'll get him Jane. By openly threatening me he's brought himself out into the open. I'll even go tell Hightower about it and she can assign..."
Jane cut her off, "Wait, you haven't told Hightower, have you got any protection?" Jane's question caught her off guard.
"Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt have been escorting me too and from work and staying on my couch at night." Lisbon answered tentatively.
"That's it?" Jane sounded positively scandalized.
"What?" Lisbon asked, obviously confused. "No, I didn't want you to find out, I didn't see the point."
"Didn't see the point? Your life is more important than anything, don't you know that? You have to tell Hightower," anger, once again, flooded his voice.
"Jane..."
"Promise me Lisbon. Promise me that as soon as we get into work this morning that we'll go and talk to Hightower." He leant forwards and took her hand in his, his eyes staring directly into hers.
"I promise," Lisbon agreed after a second "But only if you promise m,e that you won't try and kill Red John yourself. Leave him to the CBI. If he's arrested and charged he will get the death penalty."
"I can promise that I'll try but I don't know how I'll react when I see him. He killed my wife and daughter." He blinked and then looked away
"Shhh," Lisbon soothed, tenderly stroking his hair. "I know, all I ask is that you try."
After a moment Jane spoke again "So we'll go and see Hightower?"
"Tomorrow," she replied. And in answer to Jane's questioning look added "Tomorrow we'll go and see Hightower. Today, we're both going to call in sick and spend the day curled up on my sofa watching movies and telling each other all the meaningless things that no-one else knows about us. "
"While I'm impressed by your new carefree attitude to work," Jane told her, a hint of his old playfulness in his voice. "I really think that you need to tell Hightower about the letter. We need to get Red John"
Lisbon smiled at how their roles were reversed, just for one day at least. She kind of liked this responsible Jane. "Tomorrow," She repeated, he looked like he was about to protest so she quickly added "If Red John's to be believed then he's not going to come after me until Sunday, I'm sure that telling Hightower can wait one more day."
"Fine, but I'm not happy about this," Jane insisted. The smile on his face told her otherwise. She lent forwards and kissed him softly before getting up to find her phone to call work. And Cho.