Here's something funny for anyone to read if you think you may need it. Enjoy. I'll get more chapters up when I can.
Mall Messin'
"It's not that big a deal."
"YES, IT IS!"
"You're just overreacting."
"AM NOT!"
The arguing was between Sonic and Knuckles, both sitting in the backseat of an SUV Shadow had so conveniently hotwired for them as transportation to the mall. Sikes, after having said, "Your driving is predictable and it sucks just like in Shadow the Hedgehog," had taken to the sitting on the top of the van to avoid Shadow attempting to shoot holes in his face with a .38 pistol. Tails calmly sat in the shotgun seat decapitating Barbie dolls and shaving them Britney style.
"Yes, you are, " Knuckles insisted, becoming annoyed by the seat belt probing his rear. "You're sounding more like a kid—"
"SHUT UP, MOFU#$, BEFORE I BUST A CAP IN YOUR FURRY RED A$$!!" Sonic screamed.
Knuckles said no more.
"Shut up, Sissy the Hedgehog." Shadow intervened. He grinned, "Heh heh… Sissy…We'll reach the mall—" The black hedgehog suddenly swerved so he could hit a squirrel. "—soon enough. So shut up or I'll show you my full power." (trade mark saying!)
"Whatever." Sonic folded his arms. But Knuckles still eyed him warily.
Tails sighed. "Is it me, or am I the only mature one here?" he chucked a blonde Barbie head out the window.
"SHADOW! TURN LEFT!!" Sikes screamed down, still on top of the van. Feeling bored, Shadow complied. As he did, Sikes stood up, took aim, and fired off a large green beam at a police car where it immediately exploded. He laughed in triumph. "Ah-ha! I win."
"Are we there yet?" Sonic moaned.
"Don't make me hurt you." Shadow forewarned, gritting his teeth.
"…Are we there yet, Sissyhog?"
Shadow used Chaos Control! He warped a hornet's nest before Sonic where the angry bugs immediately went to work on hedgehog's face.
"Sweet Chaos!!" Knuckles leapt out the car window to avoid a thorough stinging. Shadow laughed as Sonic screamed and thrashed around wildly. Then he crashed the car into the side of the mall.
"Oh. We're here." Shadow announced, pulling his head from the air bag.
The group unloaded from the trashed SUV, Knuckles coming back into the vehicle and throwing Sonic out of the closed van window, which left him in a bloody twitching heap. So Sikes failed to do a trick off the top of the van and ended up face-planting something fierce.
"That will be on Scarred," Shadow commented, putting his cell phone away.
"Wow… it's huge!" Tails cried, staring up. Before them was a four story shopping center complex… complete with Food Court, Artillery Warehouse, and people randomly walking around with no money.
"So where to first?" Sikes stood up, now holding a glowing green hand to his face to heal it.
Sonic did it the old fashioned way and got up perfectly fine. "Gamestop. You all owe me a new PS3 for breaking my old one!"
"WTH!?" Shadow exclaimed. "That was a PS2. You can't fool me, Faker."
Sonic slapped Shadow. "No, I painted the 2 on there so you wouldn't steal it. Tails knew all along," Sonic spun around. "Right T?"
But Tails was too busy being arrested to answer. Two cops were holding him up by the arms. "NO! YOU GOT THE WRONG FOX! I NEVER BROKE INTO A RETIREMENT HOME AND CAUSED SIXTEEN HEART ATTACKS! I SWEAR!"
"Yeah, yeah…" the first cop took a bite of his doughnut. "tell it to the homo's in prison. They listen."
"Excuse me," Sonic had approached the cops. "but that's my friend you're incarcerating. And I promise you he didn't—"
"OMG! It's Sonic! You saved my dog during the Chaos incident!" The second cop said excitedly, looking at Sonic as if he were a… *Gasp!* Celebrity!
"Yeah…" Sonic nodded unsurely. "Let's go with that. So can you let Tails go now?"
"No."
"Excuse me," Shadow interrupted this time. He proceeded to karate chopping both cops into unconsciousness. Tails cheered, but then Shadow chopped him down too.
"Really." Sonic said nonplused. "Must we use violence to solve all our problems?"
"Until your fame gets freebies like it's supposed to, yes." Shadow replied and dragged Tails into the store.
---
Later on the three had entered the Mall's Gamestop. As expected, four people were inside, two pimple-faced teens at the counter, and an endless shelves of crap-gold video games.
"All right, you suckers," Sonic began, "Give me the money necessary to replace my PS3…" but at that moment Sikes, Tails, and Knuckles all ran off to different game isles. Sonic sighed, "Figures…" and went over with Tails to the Wii section.
"I should really buy this," The fox said. He picked up Sonic and the Black Knight.
"Hey! I remember that! Like it happened yesterday…" Sonic chuckled. "Heh heh, Ah… those chili dogs in the beginning… "
Out of nowhere, a video game came sailing through the air and collided squarely Sonic's head.
"Huh… I guess the games really do choose you." Tails muttered and picked up the game. It was Sonic The Hedgehog 2006. Sonic got up, took one look at it, and cried.
"NOOO!! What have they done to me!?" He said this every time he saw this particular game.
"Faker! Get over here, the game was supposed to force you try and charge me," Shadow called from the game demo area.
Sonic strolled over. "What could I do for, the Ultimate Emo-hog?"
Shadow Chaos Controlled Shadow the Hedgehog into the Wii. "Here," he tossed Sonic a Wii remote. "Let's go a round."
"Fine, just remember to cry once I pwn you." Sonic called.
They started the game. As Shadow became Shadow in Gun Fortress, the Shadow Android was replaced by Sonic. He realized he was in the game. "What?!"
"Heheheheheheheehehehehehehehehehe…. I modified the game to warp you here, Faker! Now I'll show you who's better in a gun fight!" Shadow shouted psychotically. He loaded a semi-automatic.
"What?!" Sonic repeated as Shadow walked steadily closer like Jason. "Like you need to prove that!" Sonic grabbed a rifle that was glowing next to a box, and fired it off wildly at Shadow. Shadow leapt away, ducked behind a parked GUN van, and returned fire from the vans roof. "Ha! I'll show you my ultimate power now! GUN FU!"
Sonic ducked behind some barricades and a stray bullet somehow hit Simon Cowell in the chest. "ACK! You're shooting performance… was as dreadful … as Kanye West's judgement... You suck… you talentless piece of trash…" He fell over and died and a thousand American Idol rejects cheered. Paula clapped.
"Wait a minute, why the shiznok am I doing any of this?!" Sonic tossed his gun away and stepped out into the open so Shadow could shoot him. When he rematerialized into the real world, he pulled a sledgehammer from behind him and smashed the Wii with Shadow still in the game.
"GAME OVER, SHADOW!" And the blue blur quickly ran away cackling.
---
"Can we go now, Knuckles?"
"Just a second. I'm taking care of this."
"But you said that twenty minutes ago!"
"Tails, this is extremely important. Don't bother me until I'm finished."
"…People will wonder why you're staring at a Victoria's Secret poster."
"SHUT UP!!"
Indeed Knuckles and Tails were standing outside of Victoria's secret, Knuckles ogling a very SMEXY picture of a blonde women in pink lingerie. Tails stood by hitting a paddle ball in a very bored manner.
"I bet Sonic ready found the game," Tails complained, "And Mechanic's Depot is just down there!" He pointed to the next store, "I can walk by myself!"
"No, you're too young, Tails." Knuckles said distantly, eyes still on the television.
"THEN WHY AM I STANDING HERE WATCHING YOU STARE AT A HALF NAKED WOMAN?!" Tails screeched.
People did indeed begin to stare. Knuckles waved Tails down, still not looking at him. "Shh. That's nice, Tails."
Tails gave up after throwing a rock through a window and then started playing with his paddle ball again.
Unfortunately, the 'thump thump thump' sound and Knuckles standing right in front of a very provocative poster, gave a nearby security guard the wrong idea. "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN PUBLIC!"
"Stranger danger!" As the guard charged, Tails tackled down the guard, ripped his liver out, and ate it.
"That's nice, Tails." Knuckles murmured.
Shortly after, Sikes ran towards Knuckles and Tails carrying a bunch of magazines with Sonic behind him playing a newly purchased Nintendo DS.
"Hey guys," Sikes waved excitedly, "We just stole a bunch of dirty magazines. Wanna help carry 'em home?"
"Sikes, you shouldn't steal," Tails replied, wiping his bloodied muzzle clean. "That's anti-social."
Sikes scoffed. "Says the liver eating ware-fox."
Tails tilted his head. "Isn't liver healthy?"
"I wonder if there are anymore posters...?" Knuckles murmured.
"What the crap?!" Sonic suddenly shouted, glaring at his DS. "Pokémon Platinum has the same Pokémon as Diamond and Pearl! Nintendo, you suck eggs. You suck." He threw the game away. Then he noticed the decaying guard corpse. "Is anyone gonna clean that up? That's nasty, man."
As Sikes raised his hand, a huge flash of bright green light erupted from the center of the mall. When the light cleared, Shadow appeared along with a very tall man.
The black hedgehog fumed with a face splattered with hot sauce. "YOU…!!" He pointed at Sonic who waved. "YOU &%?!ING CHEATER!! YOU SEALED ME AWAY INSIDE THAT VIDEO GAME AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD, YOU BASTARD!!"
"I have Left for Dead 2," Sikes put in helpfully.
"I had to warp from game to friggin' multiplayer game and ended up in a food fight on some Nickelodeon game no one plays anymore!!" He pointed to the hot sauce on his face.
"Don't let him fool you, he shot them," Sikes added again.
"Not only that, I had to travel to Final Fantasy VII in order to escape, and this guy followed me!" Shadow pointed to the man behind him.
"Where is Cloud, furry anamorphic rodent?" Said the tall man, who wore a shredded at the end black over coat, had long silver hair that reached his waist, a scary fake smile, a huge twelve- foot sword in his hand, and ONE BLACK ANGEL WING PROTRUDING FROM HIS BACK. "It seems you lied when you said he would be here." Said the one and only freakin' Sephiroth.
Everyone except Shadow blanched.
"Shut the Hell up, you homo fairy-fag!" Shadow snarled at him. Tails started running now. "You should know your place… that gay Emos have no place!"
Sephiroth's expression didn't change. "Fine." He raised a hand with scary slowness and One-Winged Angel, The Black Mages version, played in the background out of nowhere. "Perish."
Instantly a huge, billowing, incinerating, devastating, annihilating, mildly decapitating tower of fire erupted from Sephiroth's position and destroyed the mall roof and everything around it. Worse than that, it sucked them in with its own gravitational pull.
Shadow clung to a nearby support beam and latched to it for dear life, Sonic ran and leapt into a nearby penny fountain, and Knuckles and Sikes played a game of chess.
"And that's checkmate. Haha! You loser." Sikes knocked Knuckles King of the board.
"Damnit!" Knuckles slammed his fist on the table, the table that they both pretended wasn't slowly being pulled into a tower of flaming death.
Shadow smirked, waving like a flag from the support beam. "HA! It's not large enough to reach us, you sucker!"
The flaming vortex grew larger and destroyed many stores. Sonic screamed, "NOOOOOOO!!" when he witnessed the last Sega Genesis console being pulled from under a GameStop counter (the reason no one can get one) and being burnt to ash instantly.
Shadow sweat dropped. "Um… perhaps you misunderstood me… I meant to be um… Terrified? Yeah, that's good."
--- xxxx ---
Next time some more laughs. Remember, while I make Sonic and the others abuse each other, their mayhem is no way to treat friends. Take them as an example of what NOT to be around people! This is just for some laughs. Hope you've enjoyed.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." ~ Albert Einstein