Expectations of Approval

Something Deceptive, Something Overrated

Chapter Two: Inner thoughts

'Merlin I'm an Idiot. I can't believe I just wasted so much time today. '

'Oh I wouldn't cal it a waist, and you had nothing to do any ways'

'Says that annoying voice in the back of my head.'

'I'm not just an annoying voice; I'm part of, maybe even the better part, of you'

"I don't think so"

'Forget it, but you have to admit It, you where glad for the distraction'

'No, I can't waist my time like that. How could I forget about my brothers? My parent's expectations? My future! I had time, I could have spent practicing my healing.'

'You did practice! On Olive, remember? All in all, a break isn't going to kill anyone, besides; your brothers don't get into that much trouble'

'Did you see them look at me like that? I don't want them to look at me like that. I just want to hurry up and be a good brother. Why can't I at least do that. I want to protect them. I want to protect all my family. I will make things better for them, I'll work my way up the Ministry no matter what it takes. Even do other jobs on the side if I have to. I will help my family. I'll be someone they will be proud of.'

'This isn't wroth it, the harder I work the worse it gets, the more they hate me, the higher the expectations. I don't want this. I just want to be happy; I want to be normal and not hid away all the time! I want to tell those stupid girls to shut it, because they don't know me! I want to relax, laugh, like when I was with Oliver . . . '

'Oliver . . .

God, Oliver. He talked to me normally. Like a friend. I thought for a second that it couldn't be that bad. I though maybe it didn't matter if I didn't get my work done, as long as I could spend time withhim'

'No. I can't think like that'

'Some times you make me want to give up on myself'

'Funny'

'Can't we just do what we want? Like flip off the twins when they say something stupid. Ignore Ron not going by the rules, heck, break some rules myself. I want to be myself. I want to have friends. I want to live. I want to dream about being something I love. Something I want to be. I want to love . . . '

'I want to love, I want to be loved, but it can wait'

'will it really?'

'it will have to'

'You'll loose your chance'

'I'll make do'

'You won't be happy'

'I'll have my family'

'What family? They don't know me'

'Shut it'

'Oooooh, good for you! Now tell the gossip queens to do the same'

'Stop'

'We won't be happy, you're too stubborn'

'Iknow what I'm doing'

'Yeah, I do too. I know what you do and what you plan to do. . .

You're going to drive him away'

'I can't be distracted'

'Don't,

I won't let you.

Please just don't. I –

I need him.

He is a bright light that has given me hope.

Just don't let him-

don't make him-

Hate me.'