Chapter 3

The Guilt in the G-Man

Her eye didn't look that bad, right? Booth thought to himself as he drove away from the crime scene, not even bothering to look in the rearview mirror of the SUV. He felt the rage within him finally start to dissipate. The sting from the torn flesh on his knuckles and the throbbing that accompanied the tissue injury came with the first wave of guilt he felt over what he just did. Not about beating the man, but about dragging Bones down to his level once again.

No, when he walked around the corner of his car and saw that guy beating on his kid, he knew what he had to do and had no regrets about his actions. Protecting that little kid, in that moment was more important than anything else in the world. He would do it again, in a heartbeat, without a doubt. It scared the shit out of him though that he had been so in the moment that he didn't even feel his fist make contact with Bones' face.

There was only one solution to this problem in his mind: spend more time with Hannah. She would make him feel in control again, like she did when they were in Afghanistan. He grabbed his phone and pressed his speed dial even though he knew her number by heart.

"Hannah Burley."

Almost instantly, all the tension in his body was released, his foot came off the gas pedal, and he could think again.

"Hey, baby, it's me. What are you doing right now?" he said, hoping it was nothing important and he could convince her to go to lunch with him.

"I'm right in the middle of getting my notes together for a lunch meeting I have with my editor. I can't wait to get rid of this interview story; it is so dull that I don't even want to publish it."

He reacted to the lament in her voice as if it was his own. "I'm so sorry, babe. Is there anything I can do to help you out?" He felt partially responsible for her lack of job satisfaction since he was the reason that she was at this job to begin with. Her answering sigh made him feel even worse.

"No, I'm just ready to move onto my next story. Did you call about something in particular, Seeley? I'm really busy right now."

"No, it's nothing, I just wanted to see how you were doing," he lied, not wanting her to feel even worse for not being able to meet up with him.

"That's sweet of you but I have to go. I'll see you tonight."

Then she was gone. And he was lost again.

So lost that he didn't even realize where he had driven to until he stopped the car, in front of the hill that lead to Teddy's grave.

The place was empty, the nasty weather driving any potential visitors away. Ignoring the rain that was still falling steadily, he trudged up the hill, feeling like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and no one to turn to to help shoulder the burden, all of his old haunts no longer available to him.

He knew he couldn't show his face at the lab, especially since he'd accidently hit Bones this morning. As much as he wanted to talk to Hannah about this, he couldn't have her believe that he might be capable of hitting women. That would lead to more questions about his past that he was comfortable with and she couldn't leave him. She was the one thing tethering him to his sanity right now and if she left, he wasn't sure what would happen.

He wanted so badly to call and apologize to her but he didn't know what to say. It was like ever since she'd broken his heart last year, the very second she had said she couldn't change; his instinctive knowledge on how to comfort her had vanished. Now he was afraid if he called her, he would just make the situation even worse. As if Angela probably hadn't already had Hodgins put out a hit on him.

Wincing, he stopped in front of the grave, realizing that the anniversary of Teddy's death was a couple of months ago and he completely forgot to come out to remember his friend. Just something else to add to his list of failures. He hoped that Claire had made the trip out but there were no flowers present, nothing to mark her remembrance of her past love.

"Hey Teddy," he started, not knowing why he was here yet. But deciding that maybe he just needed someone to talk to, someone who understood the rough adjustment back to civilian life, he just started talking.

"I went back there, Teddy. I know it is something we both said we would never do but everything else just didn't make any sense. Bones, my partner, the one you were talking to last time I 'saw' you, was going off to Mapoopoo to do some great work and the rest of the squints were happy and productive and I didn't know what else to do. You know I don't do well with change, Teddy, and I'm not really doing well with it right now either," he admitted softly, amazed that he said that out loud when he hadn't really even acknowledged it within himself yet.

"Right now, my son is so scared I'm gonna leave him again that he doesn't want to hang out with me and Rebecca is so pissed with me for leaving that she cut my time with him. Pops is at the retirement home and I don't want to worry him with this; I don't know if his health could take it. Jared and his fiancé are busy planning the wedding. The squint squad must think I am going to pull a Zack on them or something because they have been walking around on eggshells around me since I got back. Some of that is probably my fault but they don't know what it's like, Teddy. They live in the little world of their lab where everything is clean and sterile and nothing catches on fire. I don't know, everything just seems so different right know.

"And Bones, she is the most different of them all. Before, I would always have to be the one to initiate any physical contact between us and even if I did, I always kept it limited. But ever since she rejected me last year and especially since I got back from the Middle East, she is touching me all the time. And I hate to say it, man, but it makes me feel vile and dirty, like she is the only one who knows what's going on right now but she won't clue me in. Frankly, it drives me nuts. I don't know how to work with her anymore and there have been rumors that we are going to be split up. Hacker hasn't said anything directly yet but he's another one that I don't want to deal with anymore. Just a couple of months ago, I was running a unit of Afghani soldiers, hunting down the enemy and now this idiot thinks he can tell me what to do?

"But as annoying as all of them are, I really screwed up this morning, Teddy," he said softly, looking down at the ground, unable to look at where his friend lay while telling this part of the story. Hastily, he wiped the rainwater from his brow before continuing. "I hit her this morning, Bones, I mean. It was an accident of course, but I was so out of control that I didn't even realize that it happened. For a minute there, I felt like my old man and it scares the shit out of me, Teddy. I can't let that happen, I just can't. I don't know if Bones is ever going to want to talk to me again, I'm not sure I would if I were her. I just hope she can forgive me. Hopefully, after she does, I can forgive myself."

Booth sighed, closing his eyes and trying to calm himself down again. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. The buzzing of his phone in his pocket brought him back to his surroundings. Picking it up, he saw Cam's name flash across his screen and he silenced his phone, not wanting to talk to anyone but Teddy and Hannah right now. Looking around, he was shocked to find that the sun had set without him even realizing it. Rain still fell around and on him but he didn't feel it anymore, sufficiently drenched to the point where he didn't feel the rain that currently fell on him. Rechecking his phone, he saw that it was already 6 pm, and knew that he should leave. But he had one more thing to tell his friend.

"I haven't even told you about the best part of my life though. Her name is Hannah and she is my girlfriend, for almost a year now. She's amazing. Teddy. She doesn't ask me about my past, about my reasons for doing things; she just accepts me for who I am. When we are together, it's explosive, beyond anything else I've ever felt before. Last time I 'saw' you, you said that maybe you came back to help me tell someone that I love her. I think you were right but I just didn't know her yet. I think I love her but I need to know that she loves me back before I say anything. I made that mistake once and there is no way I'm going down that road again. But just between you and me, Teddy, I bought a ring last month and I was thinking about asking her to marry me. I would do it right now but I think it might be too soon for her. Now I know what you must have been thinking when you were with Claire. But I trust you, Teddy, and I know you will help me out. Thanks for listening, man. I'll come back soon, I promise."

And with that, he walked back to his car, feeling much better than he had when he got here, but still incredibly guilty for his actions this morning.

Unlocking his apartment, he peeked inside to see that all the lights were off, meaning Hannah hadn't come home yet. He was instantly relieved and terrified at the same time; relieved that she didn't have to see him like this but ever since she had gotten shot, he was terrified that something would happen to her. He knew she loved the adventure and the action, after all, they met in Afghanistan, but it didn't when that he liked the idea of her chasing down leads out there on her own.

The buzzing of his phone startled him and all of the sudden, he was filled with hope; the hope that his girlfriend was on the phone. His stomach twisted anxiously, like a teenager going to pick up his first date.

But that hope shattered when he looked at the caller ID and saw that Cam was calling him. Again.

Disappointed and distraught, he turned his phone off and headed for the shower. Looking in the mirror, he grimly realized he could barely recognize the man who looked back at him. Sure, he looked pretty much the same but it was the look in his eyes that really scared him. He hadn't seen that look since he woke up in an alley behind the Las Vegas Sands, broke and beat up, ready to call Pops and go to a GA meeting.

Things would be better soon, though, as soon as Hannah got home. That tended to make everything better.

About an hour later, he was parked on the couch, watching the Flyers game on ESPN with a bottle of water in his hand. He already had enough trouble thinking of himself as his father today, the last thing he needed was to drink any alcohol. Even though the game was on, he didn't know the score, his mind completely preoccupied by wondering where his girlfriend was this late at night.

Luckily for his sanity, ten minutes later he heard keys rattling outside his door and then slipping into the lock.

"Hey, Seeley, I'm home," he heard her call out. He started to get off the couch but stayed put as she practically skipped into the living room, straddling his lap and planting her lips on his. Happily surprised, he immersed himself in the kiss, not missing the opportunity to run his hands over her body at the same time.

"Good day, I assume?" he asked, panting when they broke apart for oxygen. Everything, in this moment felt right in the world. When she graced him with her blinding smile, his world was on the right axis again. He needed this, this feeling; he needed it as badly as air.

"It was boring in the morning but really picked up this afternoon. Actually, it's the reason why I was so late tonight; I got a new story that I'm really, really excited about," she told him and Booth could feel her excitement. It thrilled him that she was finally happy here, that she might not resent him for leaving everything she loved to take a chance on him. He was so grateful to her for that.

"That's great! Can you talk to me about it?" he asked her, not really caring about the subject of the story but wanting to keep her enthusiasm up.

"I can do you one better; I actually need your help with this one. Don't worry, no questions about case related details from the FBI," she told him, noticing that he was about to interrupt her. "I convinced my editor to give me the D.C. sniper case and I just need information about what happens inside the mind of a sniper, what makes him tick."

He froze at her words, the sense of calm that he normally experienced in her presence completely melting away and replaced with the normal feeling of panic and tenseness he had lived with since he first got to Afghanistan. She couldn't know, he couldn't tell her what she wanted to know. If she knew the coldness in his heart then she would leave him and he felt nauseous just thinking about that possibility.

"Hannah, I don't think I can tell you about that," he told her, not wanting to disappoint her but worried about her rejection if she knew who he really was.

"Seeley," she said, framing his face with her hands and bringing his eyes back to hers. "I am the new person around and I need to prove myself. The only reason why my editor gave me the case was because I told him I could get the personal angle that none of the other reporters could, because of my connection to you. I really need you to do this for me, baby. I have to nail this story."

He couldn't believe this was happening. She was supposed to be his safe place, the only stable and good thing in his life right now. How could she ask this of him? Bones would never ask, he thought, immediately angry with himself for comparing the two women.

Looking into Hannah's eyes, he could immediately tell that she had no idea the toll her request was taking on him. How could she though? Did she even really know him? She couldn't have; he didn't let her. When his mind finally caught up with him, he realized he was missing a very important detail of the story.

"Wait a minute, what D.C. sniper?" Booth asked, feeling her let go of his face and climb off his lap. Usually when she left his side, he felt bereft and instantly alone, but oddly, now he only felt relief. What was happening to him?

"Where have you been all day, Seeley? It's been on the news. According to the D.C. police and the FBI, there have been two victims murdered from hundreds of yards away with a high-powered sniper rifle, hence the name 'D.C. sniper.' I'm surprised you haven't heard of it before; according to what I've dug up so far the first body was transported to the Jeffersonian-Medico Legal lab this afternoon and the second victim's body will be heading there right now," she finished but Booth was no longer paying attention, the numerous phone calls from Cam this afternoon suddenly making sense.

Cursing himself for turning it off, he quickly turned his phone on and subsequently almost dropped it when it rang immediately.

"Hannah, give me a minute, okay? I seemed to have missed some calls from work. Why don't you get cleaned up and then we'll grab some dinner, okay?"

She answered by giving his hand a squeeze before going back to their bedroom.

"Booth," he answered.

"Booth, thank goodness you're okay. Where are you? Where have you been all day? Cam has been trying to reach you," he heard Bones tell him.

"Hannah and I are at my apartment," he told her, not knowing why he included his girlfriend in his statement. "What's up, Bones? Does this have to do with the supposed sniper running wild in D.C.?"

"Where did you hear that the sniper was running wild, Booth? There have been no reports of that. Did you find something else out?"

"No, Bones, it's a figure of speech. What is going on, Bones? Why wasn't I told about this?" he asked, getting more and more frustrated.

"I don't know, Booth. You left in a hurry today. I thought that you wouldn't want to be bothered with anything unless it concerned your part of the investigation. You don't seem to have much patience for the lab anymore." Hearing the sincerity in her voice added another stab of guilt to his already battered conscious. He tried to think of something to say to her, something to let her know that he still valued her as a colleague and a friend but like every other time since he got back, he couldn't find the words. Luckily, a beeping on his end signaled another call was coming through.

"Bones, I have to go, someone's calling in on the other line. I'll see you in the lab tomorrow first thing, and we can go over what we know so far together, okay?" Not bothering to hear her answer, he switched over to the other line.

"Booth."

"Agent Booth? It's Assistant Director Hacker. Your presence is required down here at the Bureau immediately."

"Sir, what's this about?" Booth asked, his hackles rising and not liking what his gut was screaming at him.

"There are some…questions that have arisen about your involvement in two recent deaths in the D.C. area."

"'My involvement?' What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he growled into the phone. If he was going to be accused of committing murder, he wanted to be told up front, not hide behind nuances and bureaucracy.

"Agent Booth, I can't say anything more on the phone. I need you to come down here right now to answer some questions."

"And if I respectfully decline, sir?" he said, not bothering to hide the contempt in his voice. He rubbed his hand through his hair during the pause on the other end of the line in a gesture that expressed his anxiety.

"Then I will have no choice but to issue a warrant for your arrest."