Year Six: Harry Potter and the Secret Letters

Chapter Eleven: Clarity

Warning: I know you all love how close I am keeping this to the actual book, but it is really going to start changing soon. Don't worry; it will be for the better. After all, the sixth book needed to be re-written for a reason.

The story of Katie Bell's accident spread like wildfire throughout the entire castle. Blaise later explained that the girls had torn open the box during an argument and Katie had a small hole in her glove that was brushed by the necklace. Albeit casting the imperius curse on Bell, Zabini hadn't taken into account the suspicious friends of victims. There was a summons from Snape within the hour of Katie's arrival, which Draco promptly ignored. He knew everything the man would say and did not feel up to listening to it. He sent Blaise and Pansy to gather as much information as they could about what happened, and sent the boulders off to scare first and second years about the incident being linked to Voldemort's take-over of the wizarding world.

Meanwhile, Draco locked himself in his dormitory as soon as he had regained order within his group, and withdrew the transfer sphere with an eagerness that betrayed his inner conflict. "Harry? Where are you? Are you safe?" There was a short pause which seemed to be much longer to Draco than it actually was, and then Harry's familiar scrawl faded into existence.

I'm fine. Back in Gryffindor Tower. What about you? You okay?

Draco visibly relaxed. Yes, he had seen Harry approach the castle with the others, but the need to speak with him to verify this had heavily distracted him up until this point. "Yes."

Good…

"I heard about what happened to Katie," Draco began, hesitating, weighing his words carefully lest he betray himself. "I don't think that it was directed towards her."

We don't think so, either. Maybe Dumbledore?

"Maybe. But I think it may have been for you."

… Hermione said that, too. But why try and sneak it into Hogwarts when there is so much extra security?

"Because Death Eaters are idiots!" Draco sneered, thinking about Zabini's control over Katie or lack thereof. "Obviously their plan went wrong, so there's no way to be certain, but I seriously think you need to watch your back."

I know. Everyone always tells me that. I'm aware people are trying to murder me around every corner, but I don't think this was one of those—

"Harry! You are being naïve! Please, just stop doubting me and listen to what I'm saying. That attack was most likely for you, seeing as Dumbledore isn't even at Hogwarts right now and no one else is as hated by Voldemort as you are. What if she had handed that package to you, saying that it was from the Headmaster or something? You would have opened it without a second thought and who knows what that cursed necklace would have done to you."

How did you know it was cursed?

Draco rolled his eyes, wondering if Harry was listening to anything he was saying. "Rumors spread fast, Harry. Being cursed has a very specific look about it and, according to the gossip, Katie showed it."

… Why are you so irritated? I may not be able to hear you, but I've learned your writing well enough. You're using my name a lot. Did I do something?

The blond stared at the sphere for a moment, surprised that Harry had been so attentive to his way of speaking. But then again, Draco had started to learn Harry's inflections, as well. "I… I was worried about you." It was true. Draco knew he would have said this as Judas anyway, but it didn't matter. He had been anxious and fidgety all day, unable to concentrate knowing he was orchestrating something dangerous yet had no control over it. Something dangerous directed towards his new correspondent, his new friend. The Gryffindor didn't respond right away and Draco wondered if he had said something wrong.

I was worried about you, too…

Draco felt a light pressure on his chest as his heart beat a little faster. There was something touching about Harry's concern that gave him butterflies, and he realized he cared. Worry meant that Harry actually cared what happened to him, but also meant that Draco cared what happened to Harry. Suddenly, he felt as if everything got a lot more complicated although nothing had in fact occurred.

Judas?

"Yes, Harry?"

I'm sorry.

"Don't be."

I better go. I have a Potions essay on Everlasting Elixirs to write before Monday's class.

Draco smiled at the change in subject. "Is Hermione going to be looking over your shoulder, or can I help you with it? I have homework I need to do, too."

Please do.

The Slytherin scoffed and smirked, rolling over to grab his textbook from under his bed. They wrote their essays together that evening, Ron popping in at one point to ask a question for his own Potions assignment. Katie and the Dark Lord were not brought up again, and Draco's nerves about his mistake were forgotten while he talked to Harry.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning brought a package from Harry of licorice wands that he bought at Hogsmeade. Draco started eating them before he even finished his porridge. The previous day's scare had left the two boys closer than ever. But just as he was enjoying his third piece and listening to the gossip of Katie leaving for St. Mungo's, a scroll was dropped beside him. He instantly recognized the Malfoy seal, and he paled with returning fear.

XXXXXXXXXX

All of the students seemed a little off after the entire Hogsmeade incident, so Harry hardly noticed that Draco's sneer was lacking some of its usual venom when they entered the Potions classroom on Monday. He, Ron and Hermione pulled their essays out of their bags and the girl held out her hand to turn in their essays for them. Harry had found Ron's work rather amusing since the typical large, messy handwriting was accentuated with words that the redhead purposefully misspelled in order to cross them out and take up more room. Harry's, on the other hand, was a respectable length due to the amount of detailed explanations and tips that Judas had provided. The secret admirer had sort of rambled on about what seemed to be everything he knew on the subject, and Harry took quick notes before the words had faded out of the sphere. He figured that Judas didn't even realize what he was doing, just talking casually about a subject of interest, not intentionally giving Harry a complete Potions lesson.

The boys relinquished their papers to Hermione and she approached the front table to add them with the others. Part of the way there, however, a distracted Draco bumped into her and the scrolls fell to the floor with a light patter. Instantly, Ron was on his feet, ready to defend her, and Harry's attention was on the blond in search of any possible proof for his Malfoy-is-a-Death-Eater theory. Draco regained his focus and shrugged away from the girl as if she were diseased. "Watch where you're going, Granger," he spat, her name coming off his tongue like that of a leper.

Hermione clenched her jaw to refrain from saying anything, and was side-stepped by the Malfoy heir as he returned to his seat without further event. There was a momentary pause where the student body anticipated a fight, but it passed and they returned to their own business. Hermione pursed her lips as she turned to pick up the dropped essays, but found a hand holding them out to her already. Theodore had been behind Draco and waited until she accepted the parchment before starting to walk passed her, as well. "Thanks," she murmured.

The weedy-looking teen quirked the corner of his mouth into a smile. "Sorry?" he asked, feigning not to have heard her but sincerely apologizing for his housemate's actions. Blaise and Pansy were glaring at Nott when he took his seat beside them, yet Draco barely spared him a glance. And Ron seemed positively livid. Harry actually had to firmly press down on his friend's shoulder to coax him back onto his stool. Hermione had just rejoined them when Professor Toadseye arrived.

"Good afternoon, everyone! All of your essays should be on my desk by this time," he reminded with a smile. A couple Ravenclaws scurried up to add in their papers since they had still been scribbling on them earlier. Once they were seated, the brunette professor flicked his want at the stack of parchment which promptly disappeared, presumably sent to his office for later grading. He gave them all another warm smile before continuing. "It occurred to me the other day that all of my students have been working extremely diligently so far this term, and I realize that your workload can be exhausting at times. So, as a treat, I have gained permission from the Headmaster to host a Christmas party in the first week of December." A murmur arose in the class as the teens confirmed what this new information would mean. Harry glanced at his friends, who exchanged glances in return, but did not say anything. "All of my students from every year are invited to attend, and you are all allowed to bring a date if you wish. So you have a month and a half to owl for some new dress robes and choose a date. Good luck finding both, and I hope it turns out to be fun!"

At the addition of dates, another murmur pulsed through the room, louder than the first. Harry even heard Hermione whisper how that would be a lot of people, nearly the entire school. Almost as big as the Yule Ball. His stomach gave a flip at the memory. The Yule Ball had not been a good experience for him. He didn't know how to dance and he was the center of attention for the first song. Not to mention all of the drama that unfolded between his two best friends. Ron and Hermione looked at each other a little uncertainly now, obviously remembering the same thing. They were technically dating, but they really hadn't been acting any differently as far as Harry had noticed.

Professor Toadseye moved on to the lecture, having let the fuss die down first. Meanwhile, Harry's mind stayed on the topic of dates. He absolutely would not take another Patil twin. He would not let this party resemble the Ball in any way. He vaguely thought about perhaps just going alone; it said they were 'allowed' a date, not that it was required. And then Judas' name passed though his head. Harry quickly tried to brush it off. It would cause a huge commotion if he brought another guy as a date. Think of what Rita Skeeter would come up with for the Daily Prophet! Besides, Judas probably would say no anyway.

Still, the idea kept coming back.

XXXXXXXXXX

Tuesday afternoon brought Herbology for the Gryffindors. As they entered the greenhouse, the topic of Toadseye's party remained eagerly on their minds. "I refuse to wear the same dress robes as I did for the Yule Ball," Ron protested flatly, the memory of the frilly, maroon monstrosity returning to him. "I don't care if I have to wear my regular school robes; that ridiculous thing should never have been seen in public to begin with." Harry and Hermione both chuckled at the thought as they pulled out supplies to begin work on their snargaluff stumps.

"Well, if we're ever allowed to go to Hogsmeade again, we can see if we can find something," Harry offered.

"I doubt anyone will be going to Hogsmeade anytime soon," Hermione pointed out with a tinge of disappointment. The boys shrugged in agreement.

"Maybe Diagon Alley, then. We're going to have to buy Christmas gifts eventually."

"Speak for yourself. I bought all of mine during the summer," the girl refuted with a smile of superiority. "Besides, I'm sure it would be much simpler to owl for them like Professor Toadseye suggested."

"Yeah right," Ron interjected. "Ginny and I just got new school robes. If mum hears that I want new dress robes, too, she'll go bonkers—"

"Quite enough chat over here!" Professor Sprout bustled over to them, looking stern. "You're lagging behind. Everyone else has already started, and Neville already has his first pod." The three students looked around; sure enough, there sat Neville with a bloody lip and several nasty scratches along the side of his face, but clutching what appeared to be an unpleasantly pulsating green grapefruit.

"Okay, Professor, we're starting now." As the woman moved away, Ron leaned over to his friend and added, "Should've used Muffliato, Harry."

"No, we shouldn't!" said Hermione at once, looking as she always did, intensely cross, at the mention of Judas and his spells. "We shouldn't be following anything that sphere says."

"What is your problem?" Ron defended, not even giving Harry the chance to say anything about it.

"We shouldn't be that quick to trust something we read. Think about second year, with what happened to Ginny."

"That was different. That was You-Know-Who. You can't possibly think Judas is You-Know-Who." Ron sent the girl a look that clearly stated she must be daft if she believed such a thing. "Even he isn't desperate enough to sink to love letters in order to kill Harry."

"You never know…"

The redhead blinked at her for a moment, mentally debating about if this discussion was even worth having, but deemed it too important to leave be. "Why do you hate him so much, huh? What has Judas ever done to make you hate him?"

"I don't 'hate' him. I can't hate someone I don't know," Hermione defended bitterly. "Like I said before, I just think he's dodgy."

"Well, Harry trusts him, so I trust him."

"Harry's instincts aren't always right, Ronald! I mean, take what happened at the ministry last year…" Her voice died out as her words sank in for all of them. As unspoken as it may have been, they had agreed not to bring up Sirius for the time being. The loss was still heavy on the scarred boy. Ron was glaring at her in disbelief that she would bring it up, and her irritation had instantly shattered to be replaced with shame. Harry, who had been pointedly silent up until then, quietly excused himself to get a pair of gloves from the front table.

He had been doing so well with blocking out thoughts of his godfather. With the Weasleys and Judas, then classes and Quidditch and Draco, he hadn't allowed himself the time to reminisce about Sirius' death. In truth, the guilt was simply too great to confront, and so instead he ignored it. If he had just paid more attention in Occlumency, if Voldemort hadn't been able to get into his head, if he hadn't been so quick to believe his fake dream, Sirius would be alive right now. Still in hiding, still thought a murderer, but alive. The only piece of a real family he had, someone who knew the wizarding world existed, knew his parents, and who loved Harry like a son… Sirius lost because Harry was too quick to trust his instincts.

Even Judas had commented on how he didn't agree with some of them, like those of Malfoy being a Death Eater. He had said that instincts are good to trust, but aren't always right. Hermione had a point, no matter how painful it was to admit.

He took his time returning to his table, but the heated sound of his friends' hushed argument as he neared brought him back to reality. "Then you obviously can't stand to see him happy," Ron was saying defiantly. "Because he was miserable about Padfoot before Judas turned up. But since those letters started coming, he spends most of his time smiling."

"Of course I want him to be happy! But I'm worried that he's too quick to think everyone he meets is on the Light side."

"Just like with the invisibility cloak and the Firebolt? I think maybe you're too quick to suspect conspiracy. Or maybe you just can't admit that Harry may be in love with someone!" The boy in question stopped short right before his chair, surprised at what his best friend had said. He wasn't in love with Judas…

"Rubbish! Harry deserves someone to love him. But they all love him for his name, not for who he really is."

"I haven't once heard Judas ask about Harry's fame or money."

"Of course you haven't. Judas only speaks to Harry."

"That's not true. Besides, if fame is what they were really after, they could have just handed over his letters to the Daily Prophet. But they are keeping it just as secret and Harry is. I mean, has it ever occurred to you that he's actually a perfectly decent guy and Harry might really care for him? What if Judas asks Harry to the Christmas party? Will you lock Harry in the dormitory to 'protect' him?"

Hermione looked flabbergasted at how this conversation was turning out and was struggling to define the line of logic within it all. "You're being ridiculous, Ron! Besides, what do you know of love and affection?"

"What?"

Harry was failing miserably at tuning out his friends as he tried to do the assignment without them. Hermione, on the other hand, seemed to have forgotten that she was in a classroom and was no longer making an effort to keep quiet. "You reprimand me about not recognizing the possibility of affection between Harry and a secret admirer, yet you call yourself my boyfriend and have done nothing but argue with me all year. You think of nothing besides Quidditch and the girls eyeing you in the corridors. Meanwhile, you treat me the same as you did in first year."

"Well, if I treat you so badly, maybe you should hook up with Nott, then!"

"Nott? Is that what this is all about? Because some guy picked up something for me?"

"I saw the way he was eyeing you yesterday."

Hermione scoffed in disgust at the redhead's jealousy. "You know, I was going to ask you to the Christmas party, but since you think I am so 'against love,' maybe I should ask Nott."

At that moment, Harry shattered a clay bowl as he tried to crush the pod inside of it. He immediately whispered 'reparo' and continued, but the sudden sound had successfully diffused the couple's argument.

XXXXXXXXX

His mother's letter had informed him that he was to return to Malfoy Manor the upcoming Friday due to the 'fear of the Hogsmeade incident.' Many students were being excused for emergency visits home to reassure their parents of their safety, so Draco's did not stand out. However, he was certain that his safety was not the primary matter of concern in his particular circumstances. In fact, he was quite sure that his father had an itch to murder him personally.

Therefore, Draco deemed it essential to get his story straight by that time. His plan was simple, albeit risky: he was going to pin it on Zabini. He had told Zabini about the Dark Lord's favor of him aboard the Hogwarts Express; Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle could all testify to that. He would tell his father about how Zabini had been very interested in where he was and who he spoke to, especially in regards to Potter, which his friends could also verify. He would then present the idea that Blaise had become jealous of Draco's initiation as a Death Eater and probably took matters into his own hands, creating a hasty and obviously faulty attempt at killing Draco's target first. He would assure his father that he could not possibly have orchestrated it since he had not even been at Hogsmeade that weekend due to his detention, which also could be proven. These facts and Draco's firm accusations would be a strong defense against Blaise's plea of innocence. After all, Zabini did not know the specifics of Malfoy's original task or any of the threats had used with other parties involved. Blaise's case would be very weak. Whether or not he convinced his father was only secondary to Draco, although his support would strengthen his argument. More importantly was whether the Dark Lord would believe him. If Voldemort felt for even an instant that Draco might be lying to him, there was very little doubt in the blonde's mind that the Dark Lord would kill him. Similarly, if the Dark Lord believed Draco, then Zabini would surely be accused of betrayal, the penalty of which is torture and death.

Either way, the end result was the same: Harry Potter must be disposed of. And in truth, Draco wasn't sure if he would be able to murder the Boy Who Lived anymore. Dark thoughts of flashes of green, images of empty eyes staring at nothing through strands of messy black hair… He had fucked up. In his attempt to lure his prey closer, he also became attached to it. Even now, the transfer sphere sat securely in his pocket where he fiddled with it constantly like a bad habit. He would leave it on his bed while he did homework or the bathroom counter while he brushed his teeth, incessantly glancing at it in wait for the characteristic silver scrawl to appear.

He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't want to commit the murder to begin with, but it had at least been fathomable. He was able to draw off of five years of rivalry, of bitterness and pranks and shallow arguments. But for the past couple of months, every time his anger towards Harry arose, the Gryffindor abated it with his blunt honesty. Any conflict they had in the halls was later reconciled through conversations with Judas. Purposeful offenses during class had lessened, and Draco had made an effort as Judas to diffuse any anger or suspicion Harry had towards him. That ability to calm made Harry even more trusting and candid with him. He had divulged how his friends were fighting, how Draco's every move was watched in search of fault, and how Hermione was highly skeptical of his new relationship with Judas. Malfoy had taken to relenting an understandable cause for these events, but reasoned with him until they were dismissed.

Amidst doing all of this, it was causing Draco to be more open with himself. Each time he defended himself against being a Death Eater, he had to face the truths of Harry's observations. He had even touched the subject of his father on a couple of instances before redirecting the conversation. He wasn't used to being so honest with people. He altered his beliefs depending on who was in the room. Even with Harry, he couldn't be completely truthful lest he gave himself away. But his anonymity allowed him the freedom to express opinions never before expressed in mixed company. No, he couldn't talk much about Death Eater meetings or the expectations of Malfoy purebloods, but he could tell Harry his stance on the Ministry or Professional Quidditch, on Dumbledore and Snape. And even when their opinions differed, Harry didn't hold it against him. This arrangement only made Draco respect him, and affection stems from respect.

This frightened him. His assignment was clear: kill or be killed. Although he may find his father weak in the face of Voldemort, his did care about his family's safety, and his own. And his new revelation of caring for Harry meant he cared for the scarred boy's security, as well. He could not handle either side dying. Judas' existence had compounded the problem immensely, and the pressure and stress was starting to make him feel nauseous.

"Draco?"

The blonde looked up from his parchment, quill still in-hand. He had zoned out mid-sentence and had not written a word in a long while. Blaise and Theodore were closing their textbooks, having finished going over their charms assignment together. "We're heading down for dinner. You coming?"

Malfoy shook his head and returned to his homework. "I don't feel well. Go on without me."

Both boys frowned at him curiously but stayed silent as they left the room. Draco dropped his quill on his essay and laid back in bed since he knew focusing on DADA would be impossible. Thoughts of Harry flooded back to him, along with all the confusion that came along with them. The stress began to build itself up again, so he took a deep breath to calm his nerves and found the scent of Harry reaching his nostrils. He smiled and bit his bottom lip as he fished out the sphere from his pocket.

Hi…

"Hello, Harry."

Um, have you got a minute?

"Of course."

Well, I don't know if you've heard, but Toadseye is having this Christmas Party… thing, and I was just wondering if maybe you would… like to go with me?

Draco did not respond right away. This was exactly the kind of thing that was causing his inner turmoil. "I… I would really like that. But, well, I'm your secret admirer. I can't really go on dates with you." There was another pause, and the Slytherin got the impression that there was much more at stake in this conversation than a date to a party.

Judas, you can't stay secret forever.

Malfoy knew it was true. One of these days, Harry would find out who he really was, and the close friendship he had made would come to an end. In a way, it may solve his problem, having Harry go back to treating him like an enemy, but he knew it would hurt.

What would have been the point of doing this if I never get to meet you?

"You will, someday."

Someday isn't good enough.

There was a pang in his chest, knowing Harry wasn't happy with him, but he couldn't think of anything to say.

What is it, Judas? What is it about you that you're so ashamed of?

Everything. The deed he must do, the way he was lying, the very existence of Judas. "It's not that I'm ashamed."

Then what is it?

"I'm… I'm afraid of what will happen."

Of my reaction?

"Partly, yes."

Judas, if I wasn't interested in you, I wouldn't have asked.

The butterflies he felt a couple of days before were back, making his heart beat faster at the mention of Harry's care for him. "But there are plenty of other people. You can take anyone you want to that party," he added briskly, trying to edge the discussion away from more heartfelt topics.

I'm not interested in anyone else.

Draco released a breath that he didn't know he was holding, noticing the way it quivered as it passed through his lips.

What is the other part?

Either of us being tortured by Voldemort for loving each other. He thought through his words carefully. "The wizarding world. What will happen if their Savior is swept away by some guy."

I already thought about that. Worse things have been printed about me in the Prophet.

"But—"

Look, if you don't want to, fine. But at least give me an honest reason.

For a long time, neither of them said anything. Draco was fighting with himself. He was just feeding the other excuses, legitimate as they might be, and Harry saw right through them. By the time he spoke again, he wasn't even sure if Harry was still on the other end. "Things will change once we meet, and I don't want them to. I'm not ready to face you yet." There was a pause that made him think the Gryffindor had left, but the silver scrawl slowly appeared.

I understand.

TBC…

AN: Wow. This chapter gave me hell, but I love how it turned out. I have discovered the Harry Potter Lexicon, which is my new best friend, and I hope that this story with continue to enthrall you. Thank you, and please review!