'See what you've done. That's our baby Baze, our baby. Get her back!' Cate was screaming at Baze, undeniably showing her affection towards me. Why affection though? Why would she scream about me? I couldn't go far, I only went around the corner, so that I could listen. Stupid idea I suppose, but something was holding me back from actually running, not like previous times. Previous memories, oh Lux why do you have to keep remembering, Lux, stop remembering. Lux stop it! LUX
I want to keep running, get away from Baze and Cate, I want to never see them again. I don't want to think about the past, they are my past. I'm running away from the past, but do I want to run away from the past? Do I want to see their faces again? Yes of course I do, they're my parents, and that's the first time I've said that with meaning. Now Lux, breathe normally, or as normally as you can because you don't do normal. Breathe. Now, think about the positives and negatives of talking to them again. Positives: they can't be bad can they? Negatives: I don't know them! Oh dear oh dear. Lux calm it! Right, listen to them.
'I know its her Baze, I can tell. Instinct, call it mothers instinct. Whatever. I need her,' She needs me? What the hell? I need her. I need her not to be drunk. Fair point, I need her sober. I can't cry, I want to cry and I can't. Why? Is it because I don't know them? I don't know anymore.
'Cate, ever thought about the fact she doesn't need you?' Baze replied calmly, but it made me so angry. Of course I need them, they're my parents. They're the people who should care about me and everything that I've gone through, of course I need them. I tried to call out, but silence came from my mouth. Tears were streaming down my face. Finally I could cry, something I've been needing to do for a while, okay not much of a while. But I've never cried about my parents, not about foster parents or anything. Lux don't remember, stop remembering! I couldn't breathe again. I wanted to breathe but something wouldn't let me. I wanted to run out, but my legs couldn't take me. A panic attack. All I needed. Need to think properly about this Lux, properly.
'Of course she needs me, I'm her mom,' Cate calls 'Lux, Lux, LUX,' She's screaming my name. My name. That's got to mean something, but she's drunk. Like all my other foster parents, they were all bloody drunk, that's why I wanted to find them! Its why I wanted to see my real parents, Cates from the show! The show all about real life problems and how to overcome them. Positive thinking Lux well done. Now then, positives: I could help her, and him. My Dad. He actually seems normal, caring perhaps. Although rather pessimistic, something I can totally relate to. Cate I think wants me, but she's drunk. Baze well, I don't know. I can't think properly, this is all too much. I want to run away, I want to stay. I want to stop crying but I want to cry. I don't know if I want everything or nothing. Do I want them or don't I?
I see someone in the corner of my eye, but don't pay any attention. Then I realise the shouting has stopped, and there are no noises. The noise has gone, the tears are still prominent. I see a second shadow, its hers. I can't look up! I won't look up! It's not fair, why does everyone have to find me. The care workers did when I ran away, when my foster dad… Lux stop it! Stop remembering, there is no point in remembering such a thing any more. There is someone in front of me, and I can't look up. I think its her. I hear her breathing, the smell of the alcohol not as prominent as last time I was this close to her. I need to stay calm about this. Stay calm.
She touches my hair, and more tears flow from my face. Such a motherly gesture should only be acted if one has been a mother in the past, and she hasn't been. But why am I longing for her to keep touching my hair. Why do I want her touching my hair, touching me lovingly. I want to be loved, as a child. The breathing is there, but only just. Breathe in, breathe out. Lux come on you can do it, she's there. This person gave birth to you, snap out of it. Be mature. I just want to be a child, but being mature is the way I've been for too many years of my life, I don't know how to be a child. I've never been a child. I feel a drop on my head, but the sun is shining brightly. I knew that it was her tears. She's crying to; why should she cry?
'Come inside, please?' She continues to stroke my hair, something which is an act of love, but I can't believe she loves me. This is just too much, I know it is. That's why I'm struggling breathing, it must be. I don't have any other reason as to why I'm struggling to breathe. I say to myself 'I can't do this, I just can't,' and I look up, to realise that Cate had listened to every word I just said. Our eyes locked. They were brown and an oval shape, beautiful eyes if I was going to analyse them, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I felt so guilty for saying that, she was holding my arms, never wanting to let me go. But I needed to go, go and get some space.
The tears were still flowing by the time I'd run down the road and turned a corner, trying to decide where I was going to go next.
AO - I'm seriously SO SO SO SO sorry for not updating this. I had a review asking me to a few days ago and this is what came up, slightly different to the other chapters, but this story will end soon :) Sorry I've been so busy lately. :/