Author Note: Hmm quick updating for me! Ahh well, i've been neglecting you guys so i thought i'd try and make up for it a little =) I actually wrote this about two minutes ago, i realised summat today and when i sat down at the computer half an hour ago to do my history essay. i thought i should get this outta the way first so i can focus on my essay, so i just started typing =)
I hope you guys like it, review and let me know =)
Disclaimer: I do not own Hannah Montana or any of the characters.
Hey, it's me.
I guess it doesn't hurt so much now. It's more of a numb feeling, y'know, like when you've been to the dentist and you had to have a fillin'... that horrible injection they give you that makes your whole face numb. Except it's not just my face, it's my whole body now. Even my brain, because I can't seem to think of much, just simple things. Things like 'It's cold, I need a jacket', or 'I'm tired, I gotta sleep now'. Anythin' more than that and my brain refuses to make any sense and I end up with a headache.
Even tryin' to think about her doesn't work. I guess my heart has finally put its foot down and refuses to rip itself to shreds anymore. My mind digs its heels in when I try to summon up a memory of her or somethin' about her... I guess it's had enough of being tormented too.
Maybe it's for the best. Maybe now I might be able to try and get better.
But I'm not sure how I'll know if it's gettin' better when I can't feel a thing anymore. Maybe I'll think I've gotten better and my body will let down its defences but it'll turn out nothin' has changed and the pain'll be so bad that my heart won't be able to take it and will finally just give up...
Maybe pain is good, after all. At least that way I can see how far I still have to go to get over her and to stop it hurting altogether.
...I actually can't remember a time when it didn't hurt. Maybe there has never been a time; maybe I just dreamed it all up. All the memories of her, of us together... maybe it wasn't even real...
No. No! It has to be, it has to be real! It would never hurt so much if it hadn't been real! I wouldn't miss somethin' that I'd never even had, so of course it was real!
...It has to have been, or I'd've had nothin' at all.
My life really would've been pointless then... if I'd never even known her.
I couldn't stand that. I can't bear the thought of never havin' known her, it makes me want to scream, bang my head against a wall and cry all at the same time.
But... I wonder... what would my life have been like without her?
Would it have been so different? Or would I still be the same Lilly Truscott from before I met her, the uncontrollable, uncaring, unafraid teenager who just hated the whole world and would do anythin' to get back at it for the way it'd treated her?
Would I have still ended up this way if I had never met her? I think, maybe.
If I hadn't fallen for her, then it would've been someone else, no doubt. And they would've probably screwed me over just as much as she did. Then I'd be right back to where I'd started.
Like I am now... no, I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm completely different, someone new, someone I don't even know anymore.
I'm not that other Lilly, because I'm not so goddamn naive now.
I know what to expect, I know how things turn out, because I've been there, I've lived it... I have the experience now, so maybe I won't make that same mistake. I'll know next time not to let my guard down, not to let anyone in so easily.
Because you can't trust anyone. No one gives a shit about anyone else; they are too damn busy looking out for themselves, but y'know what? I don't blame them, because all you can really count on is yourself, that's all you got, in this world and the next.
I'm different now. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd've just given up and killed myself there and then. Because it's all so fucked up.
...Life sucks... Period.
Author Note: Thank you muchly for reading =) lemmie know what you think, and i shall try and update again asap =) later all