[I'm watching "The Haunted Mansion" while writing this, so if Kurt suddenly turns into Eddie Murphy, I'm really sorry.]

[I was also hungry when I wrote this. So if I talk about food a lot, it's so not my fault.]

At first the car ride was pretty tense. I mean, nothing like having seen your step-brother jacking off to kill the small talk, right?

When I finally was bored beyond all belief, I reached out to turn on the radio. Pink's "U and Ur Hand" blared out of the speakers. I knew it. God hated me. God IS, in fact, a DJ, and he had an awful fucking sense of humor. I switched the station and managed to avoid masturbation-themed music for the rest of the car ride.

Finally, getting out of the car in the parking lot, I could stand it no longer. "Finn, are you never going to speak to me again because I accidentally walked in on you while you were… busy?"

Finn was not listening. "Huh?"

"You know… Riding your own disco stick? Flicking the bean? Charming the snake? Lubricating the love monkey ?"

"KURT!" Finn looked rather scandalized, but then, to my surprise, he started to laugh. "Love monkey?"

I started to laugh too. "Yes. Love monkey." I started to whistle LoveGame, and Finn pushed me slightly.

"Knock it off," he said with a smile.

I looked at him. "I thought knocking it was YOUR specialty." But then I caught look of the sight on his face. "Okay. Sorry, Finn."

We started to walk in, but then, suddenly, there was a voice behind us.

"Hey, homo!" I flinched, but to my credit, didn't turn around until they yelled, "Kurt!"

I used my best pissed voice, "What?"

It was Karofsky and Azimio. Karofsky spoke. "We did some remodeling over at your house last night, Hummel. Did you like it?"

Finn started towards them. "Why you little-"
I grabbed his arm. "Finn, it's not worth it. Now we know what to tell the police when they come to inspect the damage. Just walk away."

Finn glanced down at my hand on his arm. I removed it. "You're right," he said. "Let's go."

Finn was very well-behaved at the mall. He didn't complain once, or ask when we were leaving. And in fact, he even offered a few opinions (which I pretended to value) on what I had picked out. I think he was slightly worried that I was upset but Dumb and Dumber out in the parking lot, but it's really hard to be upset about anything when you're holding an armful of bargain-priced designer clothing.

He did, however, ask if we were going to the Food Court. I took that as a hint that he was starving to death. "We can go now, if you want, Finn."

"Yes, please. I could eat a whole… well. I could eat more than Lauren Zizes."

"Dear god, Finn. I'm not prepared to watch that."

I got food from Noodles and Company, and Finn went to Arby's, Taco Bell, and Steak-n'-Shake. I guess he wasn't kidding.

As we were eating at one of the tables, a woman in her late twenties came up to us and said, rather excitedly, "If it's not too much for me to say this, I think you two make an absolutely cute couple."

Finn was stunned into silence, per usual, so I smiled at the woman and said, "Thank-you." She giggled, and went on her merry way.

"Kurt!" Finn hissed. "Why didn't you-"

"Correct her? It just didn't seem worth it."

"But-"

"Finn, does it really matter that one random woman at the mall thinks we're doing the horizontal tango?"

Finn, apparently, had decided to load this day chock-full of surprises. He actually blushed, and said, "No, I guess not."

"Wow, Finn. That's very mature and non-homophobic of you. That actually, in some sort of creepy way, means a lot to me."

"You're welcome… I think?"

I smiled. "Yes. Well. I have to use the restroom. Do you remember where they are?"

He didn't, and by the time we had tracked down a map, and then the bathroom, I felt like I was bursting. Finn said he would wait outside.

I very nearly ran in, and then skidded to a stop when I saw Karofsky and Azimio turn around from the sinks.

"Hello again, Kurt." Azimio spat at me. "Didn't you see the sign? This is the men's bathroom."

Karofsky chuckled, and then all of a sudden he'd shoved me back into the wall. My head hit a paper towel dispenser, and I felt warm blood on the side of my face.

"S-stop, please. Don't."

He pushed me again, and I fell to the dirty, germ-infested floor. I didn't want to die in such a filthy place.

"Or what? I don't see your boyfriend around to protect you."

Finn! He was just outside the door. There was a chance, if I shouted, he could hear. "Finn!"

They were advancing in an exceedingly threatening manner when I heard Finn say, "What the fuck is going on here?" He'd heard me. Thank Gaga!

"Nothing," Karofsky muttered. "We were just leaving." At first I was afraid that Finn would go into all-out pissed-mode and rip their faces off. But he seemed far more concerned with my fate, and he rushed to my side as Karofsky and Azimio stalked out of the bathroom.

"Kurt? Kurt? Are you okay? Can you sit up?" He tilted me into a sitting position, and grabbed my hand.

"I think so. I hit my head, I think. Is it bleeding?"

"Oh god, yes. Here." He grabbed some paper towels, without letting go of my hand, and held them to the side of my head. "Are you okay? Do you need an ambulance?"

"I'm fine, Finn. Really. I promise. But god, that was scary. Thank you for probably saving my life."

Finn smiled, "It was a life probably worth saving."

At first I assumed Finn was leaning towards me to help me up, but this theory was proved vastly wrong when Finn Hudson, the entirely straight quarterback of McKinley High, kissed me full on the lips.

It was too much to handle. My throbbing head overloaded, and I passed out in his arms.

[The bit with the woman in the food court actually happened to me and my straight best friend. I reacted the way Kurt did, and it was just hilarious. Well, I'm not so sure my friend got as big of kick out of it as I did.]