7
I was frozen inside my own mind. I couldn't respond or recognize anything around me. I had no idea how long I lay on the ground or what I said. I felt a sharp stick and could focus on a face in front of me, but I didn't know who it was.
"Bella, can you hear me?" The face asked.
I nodded and felt hands adjust my clothing and pull me into a sitting position. I stared at the woman assisting me and knew I should know her name, but I could get past the fog covering my brain. I looked around the messy, broken room and wondered where I was.
"Bella, where is Edward?" I was asked.
Things began to click into place and I remembered the loud, out of control screaming coming from Edward's mouth. I remembered the slow, locking of my limbs as I fell deeper into my mind.
"Edward," I screamed loudly.
"Do you know where he went?" a man standing behind me asked. I spun around to see Carlisle's worried face. I turned back to Esme and spoke with fear, "Did I hurt him?"
"I don't think so, I don't see any signs of injury," she assured me.
"I didn't burn him?" I clarified.
"No, dear, did you think he was Phil?"
I shook my head in shame and she helped me to the couch after Carlisle reattached the cushions.
"Why did you think he was Phil? Was he rough with you or did he force anything on you?" Esme asked softly.
"No, he needed comfort and I ruined it," I sobbed.
"Bella, look at me," she insisted. "Did Phil tell you it was only comfort when he touched you?"
"I fought him," I screamed in frustration. "I didn't let him touch me."
"I know you fought him," she said firmly. "But he did touch you, that is why you set him on fire."
"I wanted to hurt him; I wanted him to live with the shame he put onto me, that is why I burned him." I could feel the panic building and I tried to push away from her.
"Bella, you were a child, of course he would be stronger than you," she said, trying to break through my denial.
"I was smarter," I yelled at the top of my lungs.
"Then use that brain now," she screamed back at me as she held me firmly in her grasp. "Admit he was a horrible man, who took advantage of a child. You fought hard and you finally stopped him, but he hurt Bella, he touched Bella."
I shut my eyes tightly and screamed in pain at the deeply buried memories bubbling to the surface with each breath. I was shaking my head in the negative but the word 'yes' roared from my mouth as I arched backwards, trying to keep my brain from remembering.
Esme pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly, "Yes, Bella, he hurt you, he did this to you, and we're going to make you all better now."
I collapsed against her and cried with a force I never knew I had. I let all the things I had allowed to build up come rushing out.
I cried to the point of total exhaustion and finally relaxed enough to hear Carlisle talking on the phone. He was speaking with someone about Edward and I sat up in order to hear better.
"Did he find Edward?" I asked Esme.
"No, do you have any idea where he would go?"
I tried to think of anything, but I was at a lost…unless, "He told me he wanted to kill Phil. You don't think he would…"
Esme jumped from the couch and ran to talk to Carlisle. I was running through the events of the night trying to pull anything I could from my dark consciousness. I remembered wanting to comfort him, trying to get him to tell me what to do, feeling his hands on my body, and the slow sinking feeling coming over me. I could barely register yelling and shattering noises. He was ranting about something…about me…about taking away the women he loved.
I got off the couch and ran to where Carlisle and Esme were talking. "He's going to kill Phil or his father," I said in fear.
"We have authorities looking at the airport and bus stations," Carlisle told me.
"This is my fault," I cried.
"No, it is nobody's fault," Carlisle assured me.
They were both making constant phone calls and I finally sat on the couch and eventually fell asleep. I felt a warm hand touch my arm and I looked up to see Esme gently waking me. "Let me take you to your room, dear."
I expected to get in a car and go back to the school, but she led me to a room down the hallway and handed me a nightgown and a new toothbrush.
"Do you have any children?" I asked her, thinking what a wonderful mother she must be.
"No, our son died shortly after birth. I can't have any more children," she said sadly.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
"Don't be, I get six new children each year, and I consider every single one of you a blessing."
I hugged her and vowed to be a better member of the group. When I was changed and settled into bed, she came back to talk to me.
"Bella, I know you think it is easier to keep the bad memories buried. But as you saw tonight, you can't move forward unless you deal with the past."
I nodded and understood what she meant. "I want to be fixed, so I can help Edward," I sighed.
"We will start tomorrow, okay?" she asked with a sweet smile.
"Okay," I agreed.
I was dreaming of my mother and she was stuck inside a mirror. I wanted to get her out, but if I broke the mirror she would crack into a million pieces. I sat in front of it, and stared at her, as she tried over and over again to come to me, each time bumping into the see-through glass.
Someone sat on the edge of the bed, pulling me from my dream, and I opened my eyes to see Edward. I lunged at him and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. He didn't move his arms, keeping them limply at his sides.
I pulled back to look at his tortured face. "I am so sorry," he said sadly.
"You did nothing wrong," I tried to emphasize.
He tilted his head to the side in disbelief. I noticed his raw knuckles, much more battered than when I had last looked at them, and I brought his hand to my lips and kissed them gently. His eyes were full of tears and I ran my finger over his lids as his tears spilled over.
"Edward, why do you take everything onto your shoulders?" I asked him. "You are just a kid."
"I get so angry," he said softly.
"That's stupid," I said forcefully. "That is like Jessica not allowing seven people in the room."
I could tell by the way his eyes widened he wasn't expecting that response.
"I was stupid too, Edward. I tried to ignore what Phil put me through, so I could pretend to be normal. I'm not normal, and I need a lot of help," I admitted.
"I'm not normal, and I need a lot of help," he admitted right back to me.
I smiled at him and watched his own mouth smile back at me. I began to giggle and I could not stop no matter how disapproving Edward glared at me. I fell back onto the pillow in laughter and he laid down next to me, remaining above the covers.
"What's so funny, are you laughing at me?" he asked.
"I'm laughing at me," I said through the giggles. "You get all hot and bothered and I end up in a trance."
"Comatose was more like it," he said shaking his head.
"So, was the room rage because I froze or because you didn't get any?" I roared with laughter.
His face turned pale and I pushed his shoulder, "Oh stop it," I said. "If you can rip up a room, you can deal with a little teasing."
"You do have great breasts," he said with a wink and my laughter stopped immediately. "Oh, now you can't deal with the teasing? If you want to dish it out, you better learn to take it," he said seriously.
I lifted my head and looked at my chest. "Do I really?" I asked.
He pushed my forehead back down, so my head went back to the pillow. "You are trying to kill me aren't you?" he complained.
I laughed and then looked at his beautiful face and sighed. "Where did you go?" I finally asked.
"For a run," he said simply.
"You're a smoker, you can't run," I pointed out.
"I'm a young smoker, so I can run," he explained.
"I thought you went to kill Phil," I said softly.
"I wanted to, you have no idea how badly I wanted to get on a plane and stop him from breathing," he admitted.
"I'm glad you didn't. I want to be the one to put him away," I said.
He looked at me for a long time and finally nodded.
"You need to confront your dad, and not with your fists either," I added.
"I will, at Thanksgiving," he said.
I didn't want to think about that week. I would be at Charlie's, dodging Jake, and Edward would be so far away. I missed him already and put my arm around him. "Maybe we will be in so much trouble we will be stuck at school for the holiday," I wished aloud.
"I'm not in trouble, you are," he laughed.
"You tore up the dorm room," I reminded him.
"I was looking for something," he lied.
"What?"
He pulled a wrapper from his pocket and I laughed. "You were looking for a granola bar? They have plenty in the cafeteria."
"No, I was looking for this wrapper, it is the one you ate on our first day," he smiled.
I looked at the thin foil in his hand and then back to his face, "Are you serious?"
"I keep it with me all the time," he admitted as I felt tears burn in my eyes.
"How can you be so sweet and then so violent? It is like you have two personalities," I said only half kidding.
"You bring out both emotions in me," he smiled.
"I'm sorry for how I responded this evening," I said embarrassed. "I really did want to comfort you, and you weren't rough or harsh." I lowered my eyes and forced myself to say what I was feeling, "You felt amazing."
He placed his battered hand against my cheek and whispered, "You felt amazing."
My heart was beating wildly and I wanted to pull him against me and ask him to touch me all over again, but we would end up right back where we were, me freaking out and him feeling guilty. So I decided to use my words and tell him how I felt.
"It is hard for me to separate my desire for you and my deeply buried emotions about what Phil did to me. Esme said they can help me, and I want that now. I want to feel only you in my mind."
He nodded and said, "I hope you understand my desires are so different from Phil's. I don't want to take, I want give. I want to give to you the amazing feelings you give to me."
"You look up romantic lines to say on the web, don't you?" I accused him as my heart melted.
"Get your ass out of trouble dot com," he laughed.
"I think I need to check it out," I admitted. "I owe you a few."
"Well," he began, as he turned on onto his back and pulled me to his chest. "I can save you the time and tell you there is only one line I need from you."
"Touch whatever you want?" I laughed.
"Not even close," he said softly as his eyes closed.
I looked up to see the visible smile as he relaxed. I could see how tired he was and the circles under his eyes were growing darker. I stared at his face as I forced my hands to run along the stubble of his chin. It wasn't Phil's face scratching my body, it was Edward's, looking stylish and manly, something most teens couldn't pull off.
His eyes remained closed as I put my cheek to his and let the growth scrape long my sensitive flesh. I moved to his neck and traced my finger along his adam's apple. His neck was thin and so different from any memory of Phil, so I concentrated on that area.
I turned his jaw and watched as the muscles stretched from his collarbone to his ear. He smiled and I noticed how the sides of his mouth crinkled just like his eyes. "What are you doing, Bella?"
"I'm memorizing you," I said as I continued to stare.
"In case you have to pick me out of a lineup," he teased.
"No, so I can remember with absolute detail what you looked like the first time," I answered.
"The first time for what?" he asked, finally opening his eyes.
"The first time I tell you, I love you."
Before Edward could respond to the declaration, the door opened and Carlisle stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at Edward.
"This isn't the room I sent you to," he said forcefully.
"Oops," Edward laughed, "I guess I got lost."
"As a punishment, make he stay through Thanksgiving," I offered.
Carlisle's eyes moved to me with a reproving stare and I felt my smile fade. "I kept telling him to leave," I lied.
"She kept telling me to take off my clothes," Edward said as I gasped.
"I'm not running a brothel," Carlisle said in anger and Edward laughed loudly.
He rose from the bed and looked back at me, "I didn't offer to pay her."
"You don't have enough money," I said hatefully.
He laughed even louder at that comment and said, "I have tons of money, it's anger control I lack."
"You better tie him to the bed, so he doesn't destroy another room," I said to Carlisle.
"See, she keeps offering me sex," Edward accused and I threw a pillow at him.
Carlisle laughed at us both and turned to leave, so I called out to Edward. He stuck his head back in the room and I smiled at him.
"I love you," I said softly and watched his face soften into a loving gaze.
"Hold that thought, I'll be back," he whispered and left the room. The door opened back up and Carlisle stuck his head in, "No, he won't."
I fell back onto my pillow and laughed.
I had a hard time going asleep and wished Edward would return, but I was sure Carlisle was sleeping in the hallway to catch any private rendezvous. When morning came I showered and dressed in my same clothes before coming to the kitchen.
Esme was there alone and handed me a bagel and a banana before sitting across from me. "Carlisle is working with Edward this morning, and I will work with you," she said.
I nodded and took a bite of my bagel, noticing how my hands were shaking.
"Tell me about the very first time Phil made you uncomfortable," she said getting right to the point.
I chewed slowly and she waited patiently.
"Um…my mom was sick with the flu and he came in my room to hear the song I was playing. He was very complimentary and then started saying things about my voice and my playing that made me nervous."
"What did he say?' she pushed.
"That my fingers could…do things…for him," I said as I looked down at my plate.
"Did he touch you?" she asked.
"No, he just laughed and said I was stupid and he would have to teach me things, so I would be ready for high school."
"Bella that is a classic tactic of a pedophile, he wanted you to feel degraded. They push you down until they are sure you are so repressed they can make a move. You were not stupid. You felt something wrong in your gut and that was why you felt uncomfortable. It was very smart of you," she smiled.
"I should have told my dad," I said softly.
"Bella that was actually part of the problem, you were raised to view men as authority figures who are there to keep the law and help people. It was most likely very confusing for your psyche that your mother brought a predator into your life."
I looked up at her and thought about what she said, "I was confused," I admitted. "I even wondered if my dad did the same things with his girlfriend's daughter."
"Had you started menstruating yet?" she asked me pointedly.
"Yeah, just barely," I admitted.
"That would lead to even more confusion. Your body was raging its own hormonal war inside, much like how you feel with Edward. You are attracted to him, but those feelings of repression are more dominate right now. We will change that eventually, but you will have to learn to open up to your partner, no matter what age, and build a feeling of trust."
"Edward's anger scares me," I admitted.
"It should, he has no control right now, and Carlisle will be working with him on that very issue."
"Is there anything I can do?" I asked.
"Yes, work hard on your own recovery."
I nodded and worried about his bloody knuckles. I wasn't sure how much more damage he could do to his already raw hands.
"Bella, I want you to skip ahead in your mind and tell me about the fire," she pushed.
Tears instantly sprang to my eyes and I crossed my arms tightly. I was shaking my head back and forth as I spoke. "I was done, I didn't want him to ever touch me again. I had considered killing him, but my mom loves him," I said with disgust.
"Did you plan it?" she asked.
"I don't know, he used the grill for some hamburgers and I snuck the lighter fluid into my room. I think I only wanted to spray it in his eyes, so I could get away from him, but when he got into my bed, I just reacted."
"Did you have a lighter?" she asked.
"No, I had a candle lit by my bed. My window had been open and the smell of the hamburgers filled my room, so I had a scented candle burning."
"What did your mother say?"
"She wanted to know why I didn't help him," I said angrily. "She never asked why he was in my room without clothes on, or why I had the lighter fluid."
"Did you tell her?" Esme asked.
"No, my dad might have. He thinks it was the first time," I admitted quietly.
"Bella, your father is a professional lawman, he knows it was not the first time," she informed me and I burst into tears. I couldn't stand the thought of Charlie knowing.
"Bella, has your father treated you any differently?"
I thought about her question and realized he didn't, he even pushed me to date. I shook my head and thought about Edward. He didn't treat me any differently either. He still wanted me and tried to make me see how much he cared for me.
"People who love me don't care," I said with amazed realization.
Esme smiled and reached out to touch my nose, "I think you just had a breakthrough," she laughed.
I felt like I was soaring. I just admitted my biggest fear and I felt wonderful. I knew many harder sessions were to come, but I felt ready for the first time in my life. I wanted to run and tell Edward, but we could hear loud voices filtering down the hallway.
I looked at Esme and she only smiled, "Boys deal with therapy differently than girls."
"He can't punch one more thing or his hands will never heal," I said with concern.
"Sometimes it is easier for men to feel physical pain instead of emotional pain. It is how Edward admits what his heart is feeling," Esme said sadly.
"I don't know how he will deal with his mother dying," I said sadly too.
"His mother poured all of her life into her son, it was not a healthy thing to do, for either one of them. I am telling you this because you need to be careful that Edward doesn't pull you in so completely it stops your growth, and his."
"I don't understand," I said with confusion.
"His mother made him her entire world, that is his view of love, but it is not healthy to build your entire life around another person to the point of excluding others. She should have turned to her husband and friends. Edward needs to learn people can love him and still be emotionally attached to other people. You can't be his only need."
I didn't understand, I longed to be his only need. I wanted to fill his heart with my love, I just needed to be capable of it first.
When they finally came into the kitchen I could tell Edward was agitated and upset. He ate quickly and never looked directly at me. We drove back to the school in silence and when I entered my room the other girls attacked me with questions.
"I just had a session with Esme at her house," I admitted which was true, just not entirely the truth.
Angela walked over to hug me and asked quietly if he was okay. I nodded and was thankful for her discretion.
Alice waited for me to change and walk with me to class. "Jasper was very worried about Edward," she told me.
"He found out his mother is dying," I told her. "He is very close to her."
"Yeah, Jaz said he talks about her like she is a saint or something."
"I think he believes she is," I said.
"I think he believes she is," I said.
By the time I made it to science I was dying to see him. He smiled right as I entered the room and stuck his leg out when I walked by, almost causing me to trip.
"Do you still love me?" he whispered.
"Everything except your leg," I teased.
"I'll take it," he smiled.
I sat at my desk and looked over to see him staring at me. He sat his chin on his hand, which rested on his elbow on the desk, and continued to stare.
"What?" I mouthed silently.
"I love you, too," he mouthed back.
"Stop," I whispered as I looked around the room. Nobody seemed the least bit interested in our little bubble.
He smiled bigger and winked at me, causing me to turn red and turn toward the front of the room. Halfway through class the kid behind me tapped me on the back and handed me a note.
I looked over at Edward and he wiggled his eyebrows at me.
I unfolded the paper to see some music notes. He was writing a song and I hummed it in my head before looking at him to smile.
I looked at the bottom of the paper to read, You seriously do have great breasts.
My mouth fell open and I turned to glare at him, but he only laughed.
I picked up my pencil and wrote, Does everyone really wake up with erections?
I watched his face as he read the words and quickly began writing. I'm not telling you, the last thing I want is you thinking about other guys. I dream of you every night, so for me, the answer is yes.
He sent the note back over and I sighed before writing, You've been on the romantic sayings website again, tell me about a dream. Your smile lights up my day.
He read the note and looked over to smile at me, my heart went into overdrive and I had to force myself to stay in my seat. He took his time writing and I was getting anxious by the time the note arrived.
I have been dreaming of you for a very long time. You arrived in my world when I needed you the most and I don't know how I could ever go on without you. It isn't just your beautiful face, or your gorgeous body, or your amazing voice that makes me love you, although those things make it easier, it is the spirit you carry within you. You calm me, you thrill me, you make me trust in love, and more than anything you are my only need.
The note was not what I was expecting. I thought he would write some erotic dream of me dancing around a pole or something. He wrote from his heart and I was shocked by it. I felt the tears blur my vision and I had to work very hard to blink them back.
I could feel his eyes watching me and I noticed how my hand was shaking. I picked up my pen and wondered if I had the nerve to speak from my heart. I decided to give it a try.
You are a gift I never knew I wanted; I didn't dare to dream, because my world consisted of only nightmares. I closed my eyes and gave into the horror, only to awaken and find love with you. I long for night now, I long for you, and I long for the ability to be what you need.
He didn't send the note back and I was too afraid to look at him. I feared seeing him laugh, when I had tried to give him my heart. I waited for class to end before I finally looked toward his desk. He was still sitting and he had a really odd expression on his face.
I instantly thought I had done something wrong and wanted to just disappear. I began taking my time packing up my books and hoped he would leave without me. I turned to see him coming toward my desk and I let my eyes drop.
He walked up to me and stood very close, almost touching, and waited for me to look at him. He stared into my eyes and my heart took off speeding again. I couldn't look away, I was held mesmerized by the look he was giving me.
The room emptied, which was what he was waiting for, and he put his hand on my neck and pulled me to his lips. He was gentle, keeping the kiss light, and when he pulled back he spoke with labored breath. "You are everything I need, and all I will ever want."
He would have produced the same affect if he would have punched me in the gut. I literally couldn't breathe by the force of his love. My hand reached out for the desk and I leaned over as I gasped for air.
"Are you okay?" he asked looking worried.
"Why do you turn my world upside down?" I asked him as I struggled to calm down.
He laughed and took my arm to assist me in walking from the room. He escorted me to my next class and then kissed me again and said, "I'll see you in music."
I watched him walk away and I felt like a lost puppy. Esme was wrong, it was fine to be his entire world and I would willingly make him the center of my every thought.
8
We talked about the upcoming dance in class and Alice was adamant to find a way to get a new outfit. I didn't tell them I would not be attending and tried not to offer too much to the conversation.
"I wish they would let us go on real dates," Rosalie complained.
"Real dates?" I asked.
"Yeah, away from this place and by ourselves. If I don't get Emmett alone more often I am going to spontaneously combust."
"It's a big campus, be creative," Alice offered.
Rose looked at her with narrowed eyes and then grew angry. "You better spill Alice. Where are you and Jasper going?'
I looked at her in shock and couldn't believe they were being intimate here at school. She laughed with her high soprano voice and shook her head, "Find your own spot."
"When do you find the time?" I asked her.
She rolled her eyes and said, "It doesn't take much time, and most of the students need way too much sleep."
"You sneak out at night?" I asked her.
"Wait a minute," Rose demanded. "Emmett and I sneak out too, but none of the doors are unlocked."
"Maybe we don't use doors, maybe we make sure windows are not locked," Alice smiled.
"Oh my God, you are a genius," Rose said with a laugh. She got very quiet and I could tell she was planning out a romantic night with Emmett. I wished I had the nerve to do something like that with Edward.
I had no idea how much therapy I was going to need before that could happen. I thought about it all during class and showed up to music almost panting from imagining making love to Edward. I dropped my backpack the moment I entered the soundproof room and pushed him against the wall before kissing him passionately.
He was hesitant and held back until I moved even closer, pinning him between me and the wall. He tightened his grip and began to put more energy into his kiss. I moaned and sighed with every change in angle of his head until he finally pushed me away from him.
"Stop, Bella," he said as he tried to steady his breathing.
My entire body was on fire and I had to force myself to step back.
"Shit, I won't be able to walk all day," he complained.
"I'm sorry," I muttered, knowing full well I was not sorry at all.
"What brought that on?" he asked in confusion.
I smiled as I looked at my feet, "Do you ever think about us…I mean not just kissing, but like, you know, doing everything?"
"I thought you said to go slow," he pointed out, still not sure where I was going with the whole conversation.
"I know, I did, and I do," I took a deep breath. "I was just asking if you ever…imagined us."
He laughed and leaned over to look directly into my eyes, "Is Bella a little horny?" he teased.
I tried to turn away from him, but he pulled me back into his arms and I could feel the affect I was having on him against my hip. "I think about that day constantly," he admitted.
"What day?" thinking he meant something that had already happened.
"The day I make love to you," he said with total confidence.
"I just hope you remember it," I said, making fun of his experience with the girl from Naperville.
"Are you kidding me? It will be engraved into my memory."
"I wish I wasn't so…broken," I said sadly.
"You're not broken, Bella. Just let me know when you are ready," he smiled lovingly.
"Do you think we are too young?" I asked.
"Of course," he said with a laugh.
I rolled my eyes and couldn't believe I asked him when he was the one who brought condoms to school. I looked over at the piano and nodded. "Play the song for me."
His face lit up and he moved right to the bench and motioned for me to sit next to him. He played softly but as the melody progressed he closed his eyes and played from his heart. It was haunting, the way it moved up and down the scale, going from a light, fast tempo, to a slow, dark ache. The song felt like a smile that fell into tears.
When he finished I hugged him and said, "She will love it."
He looked at me and asked, "Who is 'she'?"
"Didn't you write it for your mother?"
"No, for you," he admitted and I was stunned.
I had no idea what to say. I felt so touched that he wrote a song for me, but I felt awful for making him feel those dark notes. I looked at him and asked, "Do I make you sad?"
"Yes," he said honestly. "I want to fix everything in your life and make sure you are happy at all times, but I can't."
"Of course you can't, you have to make yourself happy, Edward, not me."
"That sounds really perverted," he laughed and began playing around on the keys.
"You are such a degenerate," I said as I smacked his arm. "Did you know Alice and Jasper sneak out at night?"
"Yes," he said to my shocked face, "and I know where they go."
"Really" I laughed, "because she wouldn't tell Rosalie."
"Jasper won't tell Emmett either," he laughed.
"So how do you know?"
"I told him where to take her," he answered as if talking about the weather.
"How did you know where he should take her," I pressed further, getting a little ticked.
"Because it was where I was going to take you," he admitted softly.
I stared at him in complete shock and wished I was all fixed so he could take me there right this moment. I was a bit flattered that he was thinking about it, but also a bit insulted that he was thinking about it.
He finally stopped playing on the piano and looked at me. "We kept getting interrupted in your room," he pointed out.
"Edward, I'm sorry I keep disappointing you," I said sadly. "I really wish I could be more…open with you."
"We'll get there, Bella," he assured me.
"I'm going to miss you over Thanksgiving," I admitted.
He instantly tensed and I worried about his knuckles again. "Yeah, about that," he said. He looked over my head and then back into my eyes and I could tell there was something he wanted to talk to me about and I figured it was either his mother or his father, so I brought them up.
"Your mom told me she knows all about your fathers...decisions."
"No she doesn't," he said firmly.
"She said you don't under…..
"No she doesn't, Bella, God do you think I would let her know what he does?"
"Maybe he confessed to her," I pushed.
"I would kill him if he did," he said, filled with anger.
"Edward, their marriage is not your concern."
"Not my concern, are you insane? I am her son, and if he hurts her, it is my concern."
"Not if she forgives him, it's not," I said loudly.
"is that why you won't press charges against Phil, because you forgive him?" he screamed at me.
My blood turned to ice and I tightened my jaw in anger. "We weren't talking about me, you ass. Your mother wants you to make peace with your dad, so maybe she already has."
"I won't ever make peace with him, I hope he rots in hell," he yelled.
"That doesn't mean your mother can be at peace with it," I yelled back.
"She's mine," he screamed as he stood and threw the music off of the piano.
I stood and faced him with my own rage, "She is his, she chose him, she vowed to love him, and she stayed with him. She is his," I screamed louder. "And he comes first because you are nothing; you are just in the way, something for him to knock around."
My tears were falling down my cheeks and I pushed him hard in the chest. "Do you hear me, you are nothing to her. If she loved you she would believe you and she would protect you."
He grabbed my hands, which were hitting him over and over again as I yelled. He pulled me into his arms and we both cried. I cried from the realization I blamed my mother for everything, and he cried as he realized he blamed his mother for nothing.
I didn't know how much longer we could continue to have these emotional breakdowns before it broke us down. We were learning about our own issues, but it placed so much pressure on our relationship. I hugged him tightly and he calmed down and spoke quietly.
"Bella, I just don't want you to dump me for Jake during Thanksgiving, that was all," he said earnestly.
I chuckled and remained buried in his chest. He laughed lightly and put his chin on my head. "I'm sorry," I said.
"I'm sorry, too," he answered.
The bell rang and we both looked at the unused instruments and laughed. "We should have stayed in gym," I said.
"I'm a smoker, I can't be in gym," he said as he reached for my backpack.
"You're a young smoker, you can absolutely be in gym," I laughed.
"I wish we could go to your dorm," he said with remorse.
"We need to be careful or we'll both end up getting kicked out of here," I said with my own sadness.
"There is nothing that says we can't eat lunch in your room," he said looking at me sideways.
"Only the rule book," I pointed out.
"Okay, but nothing that says you can't eat in your room."
"Why would I want to be in my room alone?" I said, not getting his point.
"Come on Bella, work with me here," he laughed.
"Oh, yeah, right, I should eat lunch in my room," I agreed.
"Can you get rid of The Count?"
"What's that?" I asked.
"Just a mean reference to Jessica," he laughed.
"I know," I gasped, "get Mike Newton to talk to her and keep her occupied."
He laughed loudly and said, "Do you know what a letch Newton is?"
"Who cares, we can be alone," I pointed out.
He turned me sharply against a pillar and kissed me hard, "I like the way you think," he said and then turned to walk away.
"You better work it out after doing that," I yelled after him.
I felt optimistic and full of hope that I could not only separate my feelings for Edward from Phil, but that I could get better with Esme's help. I had a hard time concentrating in class and began to wonder why Edward would be worried about Jake. Maybe my holding back made him think I wanted to see Jake before putting forth an effort with him.
After class I headed right to the cafeteria and ran into Rosalie. She was upset about something and couldn't decide on what to eat. I finally grabbed her by the arm and she screamed out in pain.
"I'm so sorry, Rose, did I hurt you?" I said in fear.
"No, you didn't," she said with tears in her eyes.
"Did someone hurt you?" I asked.
"They never have anything good to eat," she complained looking over the buffet.
"What do you want?" I pushed, totally confused why she couldn't find anything in the many choices offered.
"I want cereal," she complained.
"For lunch?" I laughed.
Her eyes narrowed and she acted like she was going to cry. I finally motioned for her to follow me and I went to the kitchen door. A man in an apron came over and I asked him if we could get some cereal. He handed me a small one portion box and Rosalie angrily handed it back to him. "Just never mind," she said and headed back to the buffet line.
I filled my tray with a sandwich and chips and headed quickly to my room. Edward came about ten minutes later and asked me if I had talk to Rosalie.
"Yeah, she seemed really weird," I told him.
"Emmett is pissed and working out in the weight room like crazy," he said with worry.
"I think he hurt her, I mean bruised her," I said sadly.
"Seriously?" Edward asked with wide eyes.
"I touched her arm and she yelled in pain," I explained.
"Should we tell Esme?" he asked.
"I think so, but can we do it after lunch," I asked, too selfish to miss a minute of alone time with him. He smiled and climbed up on my bunk, before reaching for my tray.
I handed it to him and climbed up. We both had no interest in eating but had to do something to keep out of trouble. We nibbled on our food until Edward finally asked, "What did you and Esme talk about this morning?"
"She said I had a breakthrough," I smiled. "I realized people still love me, even after dealing with Phil."
He nodded so I asked, "What did you and Carlisle talk about?"
"He wants me to work on my anger."
"Do you think you need to...work on it?" I asked.
He chewed for a moment and then said, "I think breaking things is better than hurting people."
"It scares me, Edward."
"Why?" he asked in shock.
"Look at your hands, what do you mean, why?"
"I would never hurt you, Bella, you know that."
"Yeah, but will you tear apart my house, or my car, or hurt yourself more?" I asked.
He smiled and I didn't understand why until he said, "You believe we have a future, Bella Swan."
"I'm talking figuratively," I said with a red face.
"Kiss me," he said with a huge grin.
"We're eating," I reminded him.
He grabbed the tray and jumped off the bunk to set it on the desk and then climbed back up. He lay back on my pillow and held his arms out, "Now, kiss me."
I moved over him and he pulled me on top of his body, wrapping his own legs around mine, holding me to the bed. I leaned in and just as my lips touched his I pulled back locking my arms. I moved in again and this time let my lips rest against his a bit longer and then pulled back.
His breathing picked up in pace and his eyes were wild. "You're driving me crazy, Bella."
"You need to learn patience," I chastised and moved over his mouth once more, this time staying put.
He began to roll us, so he would be on top, just as Jessica walked in the room.
"Bella," she yelled.
"I swear to God, Jessica, I am go…"
"It's Rosalie, she's in the bathroom and she needs help, there is blood everywhere," Jessica yelled.
I jumped off the bunk and Edward followed right behind me. He didn't hesitate when I ran to the bathroom and entered with me. I saw a stall door open and Rosalie sitting against the wall with a small amount of blood on her mouth.
The toilet was full of blood and I panicked. I stepped away from her as images of Angela flooded my mind. Edward ran up and pulled her into his arms, getting her to stand. He helped her take a couple of steps and then picked her up.
"Jesus Rose, you don't weight anything," he said in disgust.
I held the door open and he carried her to the school infirmary. He laid her on the exam table and I notice how she had on layers of clothing. I had never noticed that before, because I just viewed her as stylish. She was trying to hide the fact she was so thin.
Jessica stood in the doorway with her eyes wide until Edward yelled at her to get Emmett. She turned and ran to the weight room.
The nurse began examining Rose and removed her thick sweater to reveal bruises up and down her arm, some of them made actual handprints. I noticed how Edward tensed and his hands drew into fists. Rosalie closed her eyes and began to cry.
I was terrified what would happen when Emmett arrived. He was so big and he could easily hurt Edward, but he wasn't angry to the point of rage that Edward was. I turned to look at him and suggested, "Why don't you go get Carlisle or Esme?"
He nodded and slowly turned to leave. I moved to the table and picked up Rosalie's hand. She was ice cold to the touch and I breathed on her fingers to warm them. Her beautiful eyes looked up at me in fright and I smiled at her.
"You're going to be fine, Rosalie."
"They wouldn't give me cereal," she said as she cried.
"Yes, they did, you didn't want it," I reminded her.
"No, I need a lot of cereal, it is easier to bring up," she explained as if talking about something as normal as homework.
I looked at her and my heart ached. She was so beautiful and she didn't know it. She thought her outside was more important than her inside, and she would end up dying because of it.
"How did you get the bruises?" I asked her quietly.
"He didn't mean too, he is just so strong."
I looked at her purple arms and shook my head, "No Rose, that is not an accident."
Emmett came running into the room at that moment and I cringed. His massive body left little room for mine so I stepped away from the table.
He kissed her as the nurse placed an IV in her arm and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. "Look at her arms, Emmett," I said harshly.
He ignored me and spoke softly to Rosalie so I yelled louder.
"Look what you did to her," I pushed.
"Stay out of it, Bella," he said without looking at me.
A soft voice came from the doorway. It was frightening in its calm, and I became terrified. "You're going to pay for hurting her," Edward said.
Emmitt stood, looking like a mountain, and turned to face Edward. I jumped in between them and put both of my arms out stretched. "Stop this right now," I demanded.
Luckily, Carlisle came running into the room and instantly could tell what was going down. "Edward and Bella, leave," he instructed. "Emmett go sit in a chair."
I tried to push Edward back out of the doorway but he wouldn't budge. He was breathing hard and his eyes were so cold as he stared at Emmett. I grabbed his face and forced him to look at me. "Edward, you better listen to me, damn it, you better listen," I yelled.
"Go to your room," he said in the frightening calm.
"No," I said with force and watched his eyes flash with anger. "What are you going to do, hit me?" I asked.
I knew I was playing with fire and a part of me truly wanted to know if he would ever hit me. I thought somewhere deep down he was capable of it. His whole body was so tense, I felt like he would explode into a million pieces.
I moved even closer to his face and spoke in the same scary calm he used, "You either turn around and leave with me, or you hit me, those are your only choices."
His eyes changed and I could tell he was really looking at me now. He was angry but for a different reason. I followed him from the room and walked behind him for about ten steps, when he suddenly spun around to face me.
"You know I would never hit you," he yelled with his finger in my face.
"No, I don't know that. You were completely out of control in there," I yelled back. "Do you seriously think you can take on Emmett?"
"He hurt her," Edward said with clinched teeth.
"Not nearly as bad as she just hurt herself," I pointed out. "We have no idea what happened and we can bring it up in group, God, what is wrong with you, Edward?"
He looked at me for a moment and suddenly turned to punch the brick pillar, causing his hands to bleed again. I snapped myself and pushed him hard in the chest causing him to take a couple of awkward steps backwards.
"Why can't you just say it? Just say 'I'm scared for Rose and for Emmett and for us.' Just admit your heart hurts when you see how messed up we are. Punching something is not manly, it makes you a total ass," I screamed and walked away from him.
I saw Jessica standing outside the building and I lashed out at her, "Do you want to go count the bruises on her arm, or measure the amount of blood in her stomach, or maybe you want to see how many layers of clothing she wears to hide her protruding bones?"
"I just….I just want to see if she was…you know, okay."
"No," I chuckled hatefully, "none of us are okay, Jessica, including you."
I walked toward the dorms and hoped to find Alice, but she was most likely off screwing Jasper somewhere he conned her into going. I climbed onto my bunk and cried until Lauren walked in.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Why are you here?" I demanded to know, "At this school."
"My parents sent me here," she said with an attitude.
"Why, are you some black hole of neediness or what?"
"I lie," she said and crossed her arms.
"Everybody lies," I told her.
"That is what I told my parents, but they disagreed."
"What does your father do for a living?" I asked her.
Her eyes began darting back and forth and she looked terribly nervous. I began to wonder if her father was a minister, too. She finally looked back at my face and said, "I don't have a father."
"Did you just lie about having a father or about not having a father?" I said in anger.
"Well, at least I wasn't some perverts favorite toy," she threw back at me.
I jumped off my bunk and walked right up to her face. She looked terrified and braced herself for my reaction. I said very softly, "Why don't I walk away, and you just lie and tell everyone I beat the shit out of you."
9
Walking out of that room was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I couldn't hit her and expect Edward to learn to walk away. I needed Esme to help me handle my emotions and I ran to her office looking for her.
I was surprised to find Carlisle instead. "How's Rosalie?" I asked him.
"She's having some tests run, Esme is with her," he said to explain everything in one sentence.
"I'm nervous for group, Edward is really mad at Emmett," I told him.
"Emmett won't be at group this evening, so I will talk with Edward," he informed me.
I stood in the doorway trying to find the words I wanted to say when Carlisle pushed out a chair and asked me to sit down.
"Is there something on your mind, Bella?"
"Edward's anger," I said softly.
"Are you afraid of him?" he asked.
"No, he has never tried to hurt me, he is very loving to me, but I had to get really angry with him to get him to leave Emmett alone."
"I will address Emmett specifically to Edward and help him understand that situation, maybe he can see jumping to conclusions is not the right thing to do."
I nodded and then added, "Lauren just pushed my buttons and I wanted to hit her so badly, but I kept my control. Why can't he learn to do that?"
Carlisle smiled and chuckled a bit, "We are trying to teach him, but things take time."
I exhaled loudly and shook my head before saying, "I don't know how you handle all of this. I don't think there is hope for any of us."
"You will be surprised in May, dear," he laughed.
I was nervous for group and I could tell Edward was still angry when he entered the room. We sat on opposite ends of the semi circle causing Jasper and Alice confusion as where to sit. They finally sat in the middle with empty chairs on either side of them.
Carlisle didn't smile when he stood before us this day. He seemed serious and a bit disappointed. "Rosalie is going to be just fine. She is meeting with a nutritionist along with Emmett."
Edward gave an annoyed tisk and folded his arms.
"She wanted cereal because it is easier to vomit," I said sadly.
"Gross," Alice mumbled.
"Where were you during lunch?" I asked her.
I watched as they both got a little nervous and Jasper cleverly changed the subject.
"Will Rose be back soon?" he asked Carlisle.
"Yes, in a couple of days. Emmett will be back this evening."
I looked at Edward and saw his jaw tighten. Carlisle pulled a chair closer and sat in front of us. "Emmett and Rosalie have a unique dynamic to their relationship. Rosalie uses Emmett to control her eating, by that I mean, she instigates arguments to make her lose her appetite."
We all let our mouths drop open and Carlisle ignored our reactions and continued explaining. "Emmett is having withdrawals from Anabolic Steroids and his moods are volatile right now."
I almost let the words, 'what's your excuse, Edward', leave my mouth, but I was able to control it for once.
"Emmett has never hurt Rosalie on purpose," Carlisle continued. "He pushes her away when she tries to bait him, but his strength, along with her vitamin deficiency, leaves some pretty nasty bruises."
"So if someone wanted to blame Emmett, they would be wrong," I spewed with no control. I wanted to slap my own face.
"Every one of you needs to understand you are here for help. Judging each other will only cause more problems. You are learning to lean on each other, but that also leads to codependent relationships. Once Rosalie and Emmett understand their problems better, they can learn to look for warning signs in their relationship, too."
We all sat quietly and I finally raised my hand to speak. "If we notice things, dependencies and stuff, should we say something?"
"Yes, but be prepared to have your own frailties pointed out, too."
"Say it," Edward yelled across the circle.
"Say what?" I asked.
"What you want to say to me, just say it."
"I do say it, I say it to your face," I told him.
Edward turned to Carlisle and asked, "If we think someone is holding back, should we call them on it?"
"Of course," Carlisle offered softly.
Edward turned back to me and asked, "What did you talk to Esme about?"
"We talked about Phil, what do you think we talked about?" I said hatefully.
"And…" he said waiting for more.
"And it is my therapy not yours. And just so you know, I don't yell at her like you do with Carlisle," I threw in, to up the ante.
"I think it is my business when I kiss you and it makes you comatose, so stop holding back," he demanded.
"Why, so you can bloody up your knuckles some more? Save it for your own father," I said in anger.
"Can you guys take it outside?" Alice asked.
Edward and I both turned to glare at her and Jasper. "Why aren't you in the dorms stealing Rosalie's stuff while she's gone?" Edward said to hurt Alice.
Jasper jumped up and Carlisle quickly got between them. Alice was not one to cower from a fight; she quickly giggled and said, "Just because Bella can't give you any, don't get mad at us."
"Jasper is playing you, and you are too stupid to realize it," I said to defend myself.
"Maybe Edward will love you more, once his mommy dies," Jasper threw at me.
For the first time all year Carlisle yelled loudly at us. His face was red with anger and his lips were pulled into a tightly clenched scowl.
"I will not stand for this; if you want to attack each other do it on your own time, not mine. You are all here for a reason, so grow up and get to work."
The guys sat down and we all sat quietly with our heads down. Carlisle took a moment to calm down and then began the session.
There was only one thing Carlisle planned to focus on and that was the Thanksgiving holiday.
"When you go home over the holiday you will naturally regress. The goal is to remain trying and notice the emotions that trigger your behaviors. Alice, you need to stay out of the malls," he said forcefully.
"I have to do Christmas shopping," she said with wide eyes.
"There will be no exchanging of gifts allowed at the school, so you don't need to shop," Carlisle pointed out.
"Jasper, you will have a hard time since you are the only family member getting help. You need to remove yourself from any discussion involving a con."
Jasper nodded his head, still too angry to speak.
"Bella, work on staying social. Go out with friends and spend time with your father when he is available."
"You're kidding, right?" Edward asked.
"Excuse me," Carlisle said.
"You just told her to go out, I don't want her going out," he said with a hint of panic in his voice.
"She needs to make emotional attachments to friends," Carlisle explained to Edward.
Edward looked at me with such a forlorn expression. "Are you going to cheat on me?"
"Define cheating," I said, truly wanting to hear his definition.
His mouth fell open and he paled a bit, "I think you just answered my question."
"If I go sing at a club, am I cheating?" I asked him pointedly.
"Hell yeah," he yelled at me.
"If I go to a movie with a friend, am I cheating?"
"Jake?" he questioned.
"You know I do not like Jake," I said to calm him down.
"You said you loved me," he said with a pleading voice.
"So loving you means I have to stay in the house for the entire Thanksgiving weekend, missing you?" I asked for clarification.
"It sure in hell doesn't me you go whoring around at clubs," he yelled.
I felt sick to my stomach and felt my lip began to tremble. "Easy for you to say, as your knuckles drip blood," I said back.
Carlisle cleared his throat and said, "Edward, Bella is seventeen and she needs to work on social skills and feeling safe in a crowd. If you love her, you want her to be the best version of Bella she can be. If she centers her life on you, she will sit home all weekend and make no progression in her treatment. Do you want that?"
"Will you call me and tell me everything you do?" Edward asked me as he stared, terrified, into my eyes.
"No, I won't," I said softly, knowing now what Esme was trying to warn me about. "You will be spending time with your family; you don't need me interrupting you."
I could tell the thought of his mother put him a little off guard. He wasn't sure who to demand attention from and it flustered him.
"Edward," Carlisle instructed, "You need to sit down with your mother and father together and talk things out as a family."
"I'm not letting him near her," Edward said angrily.
"She loves him," I said.
"He doesn't deserve her love," he said back to me.
"Why is it up to you?" I pushed.
His jaw tightened and I could see the vein in his neck pulsating with anger.
"You make me so angry sometimes, Edward, and I still love you. You say things that hurt me, and I still love you. You make the wrong choices constantly, and I still love you. Why do you get to be so special and your father doesn't?"
"It is not the same thing," he sneered.
"You're right, I've only known you a short time, and the only thing we have shared is a cigarette. Your parents have a history that doesn't even include you, and they share a child, and a lifetime of memories."
Edward folded his arms and refused to look at me, knowing on some level I was right. Carlisle nodded his approval at everything I said, but remained out of the conversation.
"It is my job to protect her," Edward said softly.
"Whose job is it to protect me, from you?" I asked just a softly.
"You don't need protection from me," he said lifting his eyes to mine.
"Look at your hands and say that."
"Can I shop for gifts for my family?" Alice interrupted, growing tired of the conversation being about Edward.
We all laughed and it lightened the mood dramatically. Carlisle shook his head and said, "No shopping whatsoever."
Alice huffed and stuck out her bottom lip. Jasper whispered something in her ear causing her to smile and I felt a bit jealous. Edward and I were still so stagnant in our relationship and I wanted to be further along physically.
I looked at him and noticed how he stared lovingly at me. It melted my heart and I wanted to kiss him so badly. I smiled and let a little sigh escape as I looked back at him.
We were asked to take part in an exercise where we close our eyes and imagine being confronted by our particular weakness over the holiday and how to deal with it. I imagined being with Edward instead.
I imagined him taking me to a secluded place in the school. I knew he would be so cautious and say romantic things to me, as he slowly removed my clothes. He would kiss me and remind me often he was Edward, not Phil. I imagined the feel of his lips on my skin as he made his way around my body and I felt the tension grow inside me. It wasn't terror like I knew with Phil, it was the love I felt for Edward.
I was having trouble keeping my breathing steady, so I opened my eyes to stop my overactive mind. Edward was looking at me and I took a deep breath as he smoldered at me. I wanted to scream to him that I would stay home; I would lock myself in my room and refuse to even speak if he wanted.
I glanced at the clock and back at Edward's eyes to see him nod in understanding. I was so tempted to tell Jasper and Alice to keep their mouths shut, so the session would end early. It was totally agony to remain in my seat and so far from him.
We were given paper to write down some goals and I chuckled at the thought of writing down the ones I was thinking. I made it easy and just listed the things Carlisle had mentioned. I was curious to see Edward's and didn't care if he questioned me on mine this time.
I looked back at the clock as I walked my paper to Carlisle's desk and laid it upside down as he instructed. I turned around and ran into Edward's chest. He didn't back up and I didn't move as he reached over me to put away his paper.
His body pushed against mine and I inhaled deeply the scent of him I was learning to recognize. His hand moved from the desk to the small of my back, and then to my butt, to pull me tighter against him. He made a sound, sucking in air through his teeth, and it was the sexiest sound I had ever heard.
He leaned down to talk softly in my ear, "You are driving me crazy."
"We need to get out of here," I said with a desperate voice.
"Can I take you somewhere tonight?" he asked.
I nodded and he used his finger to lift my chin so he could look into my eyes. "You know what I'm asking, right?" he said in almost a whisper.
"I'm hoping you are asking what I think you are asking," I said with a shaky voice.
His arms came around me and he kissed his way from my ear to my mouth. I gasped as his lips locked onto mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. His hands moved to my bottom and pulled upwards as he inhaled deeply against my lips.
"Edward and Bella," Carlisle called out and I pulled away from his mouth.
"We're working on an issue," Edward yelled from the tiny office.
"Finish quickly," Carlisle advised and we both began to laugh.
"Finishing at all would be a relief," Edward said as he stepped back and adjusted his jeans.
"We're making progress, right?" I asked him.
"Oh yeah, tons of progress," he laughed and placed me in front of him as we walked back to the group.
Carlisle talked to us about keeping our rooms neater and finally agreed to let us go a bit early. I wanted to sprint from the room, but I also got a little nervous. We exited the building before Edward asked, "Are you hungry?"
"No," I said quickly.
"We need to grab some food, just in case, so we have an excuse," he said and I didn't understand what he meant.
I walked quickly through the line as he placed random stuff on our tray and then followed him from the building. He walked purposely to a room in the music department I had never seen before. The entire room was covered in carpet, even the walls, and a large beanbag was in the corner.
"How did you find this place?" I asked him.
"I go for walks when I get angry," he informed me, "Carlisle's orders."
"The man is a genius," I laughed.
He grabbed a chair and locked it under the door before turning to look at me. I smiled as my entire body shook from fear and desire. He turned off the light and we were cast into total darkness. "Are you okay?" he asked as he reached out and pulled me into his arms.
"Yeah," I said with a shaky voice.
He pulled me to the soft beanbag and I wondered how he could see so easily. I straddled his body and when he let his torso fall back, I followed along with him. He positioned me over him, where he wanted me the most and moved his hips up against me.
"Oh, God," I cried out at the sensation it gave me.
I pushed up on one arm to get the angle I needed and my hair fell forward around him. He let his hands run up my thighs and under my shirt before hesitating. I could feel the shaking of his arms through his hands and decided to let him know I was good with what was happening so far.
"I love your hands," I said, causing him to thrust upwards and tighten his grip.
"You seriously do have great breasts," he said with labored breath.
I lowered my mouth to his and kissed him with wild abandon as I continued to move against him. He suddenly arched back bringing his lower body completely off the ground as he moved his hands back to my thighs to hold me tight.
I could no longer even think straight. I was lost in the sensation of him and pulled my shirt from my body, before unhooking my bra. He made a sound that was almost animalistic in nature and pulled his own shirt off, tossing it across the room.
He sat up and pulled my chest tightly to his as he kissed my collarbone aggressively. I let my head fall back with relief he was bringing to my hungry flesh. My panting was moving into needy moans and he began moving me to the side so he could roll onto me.
"Are you okay?" he panted, as he hovered over me.
"Yeah," I said and pulled him down to me.
He knew exactly how to move to send my eyes back into my head and I gasped in shock at the depth of the feeling he was producing. He kissed me deeply as his hand moved to my jeans and he expertly unbuttoned and unzipped them.
He let his hips raised to the side and tried to slow down a bit. I wanted to do something, but I wasn't sure what he would want.
"Edward," I said with much difficulty. "Tell me what to do."
"Touch me," he said and moved my hand to feel him.
I was amazed at the sounds it produced from him and I wanted to hear that forever. He didn't need me to tell him what to do, he was able to continually surprise me by bringing me more pleasure with each step he took.
I found courage in my love for him and touched him skin to skin. I could feel a bit of fear sneaking in and I quickly asked him to kiss me. He grabbed my hand with his; showing me how to move and kissed me with all the love he could give.
He grabbed his wallet out of his pocket and opened it in the dark. I could feel him searching through the folds as he opened it several times. He suddenly fell onto his back away from me and I wanted to cry from the physical pain his absence left me with.
"Shit," he screamed in the air.
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.
"No, but I am going to kill Alice," he said angrily.
I had no idea why he would be thinking about Alice when my mind was incapable of thinking at all.
"Why?" I asked.
"She stole my condoms."
"So we had to just stop and Edward needs to get more condoms," I said to Esme, as I told her the whole story.
I could tell by the way her eyes locked with mine she was a bit stunned by the news. She sat up straighter in her chair and finally said, "Bella, I really don't think you and Edward should be having sex just yet. He is still working on his anger, and more importantly, his possessiveness."
"I thought it would be a good thing if I could have sex with him?" I said in confusion.
She chuckled uncomfortably and shifted in her chair. "Honey, the point of the therapy is to help you separate your experience as a victim from a loving relationship; it isn't just to be able to have sex. It is wonderful that you feel arousal for Edward, but I don't think you are ready for the commitment a sexual relationship requires."
I stared at her feeling so conflicted, so she said something to give me pause.
"Bella, if a condom failed, are you ready to become a mother?"
"No," I said with a choking laugh.
"Then you are not ready for sex," she said pointedly.
"Other girls do," I said sadly.
"I counsel many young women trying to raise a baby as their boyfriend, who promised to always be there, has moved on to another girl."
I looked at my hands and tried not to cry.
"I heard you are an amazing singer, don't you want to pursue your talent?"
I nodded slightly so she kept going, "You have so much ahead of you, so many wonderful experiences, and don't let Edward hold you back. Right now that is what would happen, he would consume your entire world."
I wiped the tears that began to fall and spoke softly, "When I'm with him, he is all I want in the world."
"Only because your world is so small right now, when you go home for Thanksgiving you will see how separate your two worlds really are," she explained.
"Do you think his father will hurt him?" I asked, not really sure if she would give me an answer.
She exhaled sadly and said, "I think Edward will grow angry, and I hope his father can stop him without hurting him, but you've seen how narrow Edward thinks. It isn't his fault, his mother taught him incorrectly. I don't think Edward will change until his mother passes, he would be too worried about pulling away from her."
I was mad at myself for getting in so deep with Edward and messing up his therapy. I was an obstacle between him and the two Dr. Cullens. He needed to focus on his own family dynamic and I had to push him away to make him do it.
I walked from my session and ran into Angela. "Are you okay?" She asked.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked her.
"Why? She asked and looked away.
"I just need some advice, I didn't mean anything by it," I clarified.
She took hold of my arm and led me to our dorm room. We both climbed onto her bunk and sat across from each other to talk.
"I used to sneak around to see a boy, my parents wouldn't let me date," she admitted.
"Did you have sex?" I asked outright.
She hesitated and finally nodded yes.
"Did it change things?" I asked.
"It ruined my life," she said staring right into my eyes.
"You don't have to tell me stuff," I said as I began playing with my fingers.
"Bella," she said, "I'm here, so obviously I'm messed up."
"My therapist says Edward is too possessive, and I need to step back from him," I said as my tears fell. "I love him so much."
"Have you had sex with him," she asked.
"Almost, that little thief," I nodded to Alice's bed, "stole his condoms."
"Okay, think about this, what if you told Edward you wanted to spend the evening with me, how would he react?" She asked.
"I don't know, should I try asking him?"
"Yeah, just so you know if he is as controlling as people think. Maybe they don't know him as well as you do."
I formed a plan in my mind, but I was so nervous to carry through. I didn't want to know for sure, it was easier to believe everything was fine and we could be together forever. I walked with Angela to the cafeteria for dinner and worried about seeing Edward.
I was looking into a vat of soup when I felt two arms weave around my waist. "Hello, love," he said into my ear.
I smiled at the sound of his voice and my heart began to race. He kissed my hair and then spoke into my ear again, "I have a new supply."
I turned toward him, using my tray to separate us, and tried to keep my smile in place. "Great," I said and then nodded toward the table where Angela sat. "Do you mind if we sit with Angela, I promised to hang out with her tonight."
"I was hoping you would let me take you somewhere," he said nervously.
"I don't think that is a good idea," I said as I stepped toward the table.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back around to look at him. "What's going on, Bella?"
"I need to take more time," I said hesitantly.
"Why?" he pressed.
"I just want to be sure, and I need to reach out to my roommates more," I tried to explain.
He looked over at Angela and then back at me. "Is she having problems?"
I laughed without any humor and said, "Aren't we all?"
"Something is different, Bella," he said as he looked into my eyes.
"Can we talk later?" I asked, noticing how people were watching us.
His eyes widened in surprise and his jaw tightened. "Sure, go hang out with the girls, I'll be busy with my own stuff," he said angrily.
I wasn't sure if it was a good sign or a bad one. He was willing to let me be away from him, but I had no idea what 'his stuff' meant.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
"I'm going to use my new supply," he said as he walked away.
I watched him retreat and he never once looked back at me. My heart was racing and I sat my tray down and ran after him.
"Why would you say that to me," I screamed at his back.
He didn't stop, but turned to walk backwards as he yelled, "You rejected me, sweetheart."
"I was going to hang with Angela, for only one night, how is that rejection?"
He threw his hands into the air and continued walking, so I forced myself to return to the cafeteria. Angela looked worried and just a bit guilty. I assured her she was not to blame and tried to eat dinner. I could feel the anxiety building in me and began to imagine all sorts of things Edward was busy doing.
"If he cheats on me we're done," I said with determination.
"Do you think he would do that?"
"Jasper and Emmett have girls sleeping with them, I'm sure that is what Edward wants, too," I admitted.
"He could have that without having a girlfriend," she pointed out.
I shook my head, "With Edward it is all or nothing. I didn't give him all, so he will give me nothing."
"That is not very healthy," she pointed out.
I laughed and smacked her hand, "Yeah, just like cutting isn't very healthy."
"Or burning men's genitals," she threw back.
"It was fine for my health, just not his," I laughed.
She laughed along with me and it felt wonderful to make light of something I had carried as a burden for so long. I could tell therapy was really helping, and had to hope it wasn't just Edward, because I was terrified I just ruined that.
Alice ran up to me with a terrified expression, "Edward is freaking out, he is in the music room destroying things."
I turned to run, but I didn't run in the direction of the music room, I ran to Dr. Cullen's office. I found Carlisle there, and even though I was looking for Esme, I sat in a chair and cried.
"What's wrong, Bell?" he asked with concern.
"Edward, he's at it again. I can't take it anymore. I can't watch him bleed from anger.
Carlisle's phone rang at that moment and he spoke to someone about Edward. He gave instructions for sedation and turned back to finish his conversation with me.
"Do you need to go?" I asked him.
"No, Edward will be out for awhile, and I refuse to respond every time he pulls a stunt like this."
"How can I help him?" I begged.
"Do exactly what you are doing. Don't reward him for this behavior."
"I'll lose him," I cried.
"I know you can't see this now, but it would be better to lose him than be imprisoned by him."
"Is he getting better at all?" I asked.
"His situation is difficult, it is the relationship with his mother that is the problem, but her illness makes it hard for Edward to work on things right now. We have to focus only on his anger at this point."
I went back to my room and Angela showed up with a big bowl of popcorn. We sat on my bunk and talked all evening. I really liked her and enjoyed talking about girly things. I also admitted my love of music and she got me to sing a few songs.
We were both shocked when an hour before lights out, Rosalie walked into the room. She ended up lying on my bed with me and Angela talking about everything but our problems. I noticed she didn't eat the popcorn, but I didn't want to make a deal out of it.
I also noticed how she didn't bring up Emmett and wondered if she noticed I didn't bring up Edward. The entire evening was just what we needed.
The next day I was afraid to run into Edward. I knew seeing his bloody knuckles would terrify and anger me. I was stunned when he didn't show up for science and wondered if it was worse than I thought. I continued on with my day, trying to act as normal as possible.
I was playing randomly on the guitar when he walked into the music room. My heart felt like I had run a mile. "Hi," I said and tried to smile.
He walked over to the piano and began to play without responding. He played a few stanza's and then beat harshly on the keys and pushed away.
"I don't like it," I said, still messing with my guitar.
"You don't like what?" he asked.
"That song you just played. It was too tribal."
He looked at me with such a stunned expression and then laughed as he moved his hair out of his eyes. I noticed the raw hand and looked away.
"I feel like I'm sinking, Bella," he admitted.
"I can't save you Edward, you have to swim yourself," I said sadly.
I saw tears form in his eyes and he said softly as he looked away, "I want you to be my savior."
"I wish I could," I whispered, "but I have to save myself."
"Did you stop loving me?" he asked and my heart burned with pain for him.
"No, I started loving you more," I confessed.
He held out his arms, and his eyes were so full of ache I jumped into them, and held him as tightly as possible.
"Tell me what to do," he begged, "tell me how not to lose you."
"You have to get rid of the anger, Edward. It hurts me too much and I can't deal with it anymore."
"I'll try," he promised, "but I need you. I need you to love me, and need me, and fill me."
"No," I said with a loud sob. "I love you, but I can't be your whole world."
I felt him tense in my arms and begin to pull back. I tightened my hold and refused to let him separate us. "Did you hear me Edward, I love you."
"You're not capable of love," he said harshly. "You have no idea what love is."
I let my arms fall and I nodded in agreement. "We were both messed up by sick people."
I could see the anger rise like a mist through his body. His eyes were wide with rage and he backed to the very edge of the piano bench. "Watch what you say, Bella."
"I'm done letting people who can't think straight tell me what to think about love," I said harshly to him. "Phil tried to make me believe I was trash and you try to make me believe I can't exist without you. You are both wrong."
I stood and walked from the room. He didn't follow and I was glad, I wouldn't be able to control my own anger this time. The closer I got to my room the more my soul was filled with resolve. I was not trash and I knew that with a certainty. I also knew I would be fine without Edward. I wanted him, but I didn't need him.
All the girls went to the dance that night and I remained in my room doing homework. I was actually looking forward to Thanksgiving break and hoped to sing at a few clubs. I was singing softly as I typed on my lap top and heard the door open.
I looked up to see Edward standing in the doorway. "Bella," he said as tears began to fall, "please, help me."
And he collapsed onto the floor.