10
I actually thought Edward was kidding and stared at him, waiting for him to begin laughing. I saw the side of his face and noticed how pale he was, so I jumped from my bed. I turned him over to see his face clearly and saw his eyes flutter before opening.
"Edward, are you okay?" I asked him in fear.
He made a funny sound and I began looking around his body for any injuries. I couldn't see anything and grabbed a pillow to place under his head. I couldn't remember if I should elevate his head or his feet but I was too afraid to leave him to get help.
"Edward," I yelled, trying to get him to open his eyes.
He finally looked at me and I watched his eyes focus on my face.
"Bella," he said softly.
"Are you hurt?" I asked him.
"She's gone," he whispered and I saw his face begin to pale.
"Edward, tell me what's wrong, stay with me."
"She's gone, I won't see her ever again, she died," he cried.
"Your mother?" I asked.
He pulled his legs up, trying to roll into a ball, and cried out in pain. I pulled his raw hands to my mouth and kissed them as I cried too.
Esme came running into the dorms and saw us still halfway in the hallway and halfway in my room. She shook her head and came over to check Edward. She checked his vitals and then held his face in her hands to speak to him.
"Edward, dear, it is okay to be upset. It hurts, honey, you are so young to lose your mother and it hurts."
He nodded in agreement as more cries broke free. She continued talking and he seemed to be listening to her.
"Remember the wonderful things; they will be in your heart forever. She isn't in pain any longer and she isn't confused anymore."
"I wasn't there," he cried out in his own pain.
"She wouldn't want you to see her like that; she wants you to remember how beautiful she was. Edward, she wants you to be happy and healthy and live a wonderful life. Show her what a great mother she was and make her proud."
He nodded and Esme helped him stand. I stepped forward to help him walk and he surprised me by pulling me into his arms and holding on with all his might. I ran my hands up and down his back as I tried my best to sooth him.
"Bella, can you stay with him tonight?" Esme asked.
I thought she meant in my bunk, so I said, "Um, Jessica can't have seven in the room."
"I'm taking him to my house," she explained and I quickly agreed to come with them.
I packed up my backpack with a change of clothes and toothbrush and went to Edward's room to get the same for him. I was surprised when I went into the empty dorm room. It was nothing like I expected. Jasper had a thick quilt on his bunk and pictures of Alice all over the wall next to his bed.
Emmett had motivational posters all over his area, and Edward had sheets of music all over the wall. I grabbed some jeans, a clean shirt, and his shaving kit before running from the room.
When I got in Esme's car Edward was sitting in the back leaning against the door, but quickly moved to lean on me. I pulled his head to my lap and caressed his him as we drove.
I helped him walk to the room I had stayed in before, and began removing his clothes. He was lying there without talking or moving, letting me move his limbs for him.
I removed my jeans, but kept on my shirt and climbed into bed. I held him and couldn't feel him move, but I could feel his wet tears soak through my shirt. I finally began to speak, talking from my heart and having no idea what I was saying.
"I don't know what love is, but I know what I feel for you is real, and it makes me hurt when you hurt, and happy when you are happy. I want the best for you, and the best is to get the anger out of your heart and try to heal. I had to do that, too. "
"Phil touched me, he destroyed my childhood, and broke my trust, but I have to believe he didn't spoil my ability to love. He left just enough for you to find your way into my heart and make me believe again. If there was a way I could love you enough to fix it all, I would, but that isn't possible."
"Your mother made the innocent mistake of loving you too much. I don't blame her; you are so easy to love. You need to open yourself up to all the people out there who deserve to love you too, not just me. You are a gift Edward, and I need to share you with others."
"I have my own hopes and dreams, I want to sing and I want to go to college. I want to have a family with a man I love. I want friends who support me and a father who makes me feel safe. You need to have your own dreams too, Edward. Loving your mother made you a wonderful son, blaming your father made you angry and bitter; don't let that be her legacy, Edward. Live and love, for her."
"Bella," he said softly, "it hurts so much."
I rubbed his back and let my tears fall freely. "I know, and it is going to hurt for a long time."
"What if it takes too long to get fixed and I lose you?" he asked with such a small voice. It was the voice of a broken heart.
"Then I was never meant to be yours and you will find somebody so much better," I told him honestly.
"There isn't anyone better," he said adamantly.
"I know," I said with a smile and he actually chuckled a little.
"I worry so much, I'm tired of always worrying," he said with a sigh.
"Be happy, Edward, you are such a bright spot in my life, I just wish you knew it."
"You didn't want me tonight," he said sadly.
"I want you every night, but it isn't healthy. I saw your room, and all the music you wrote. Your talent deserves attention, too."
"Carlisle told me to use a journal to get the anger out, I tried, but writing just didn't do it for me. I found if I composed music it calmed me."
"See, just knowing you do that, has made me love you more," I said and kissed his head.
"You just want me to be a rich composer," he challenged.
"You said you are already rich," I teased.
"Would it matter if I was poor?"
"No, because I am going to be a rich singer," I assured him.
He lay in my arms silently for a few minutes and then said, "I have to leave tomorrow."
"Are you coming back?" I asked.
"Carlisle is going with me," he said to my stunned mind.
"Really?"
"I think he is afraid I will commit murder," he said seriously.
"Please don't," I said softly.
I knew he most likely thought the idea of seeing his father without resorting to violence was pretty slim, so I said something to give him hope, "I'm going to press charges against Phil."
He sat up and looked at me. "What made you change your mind?"
"People who love me don't care what happened," I said with a smile.
"You amaze me," he said shaking his head.
"No, I'm trying to get better; I have faith in Esme and Carlisle. They see so much pain and fail from us during the year, but they never give up. They must know what they are doing, or it wouldn't be worth it."
"Are you going to see Jake?" he asked hesitantly.
"His father is my father's best friend, so I am sure they will be at Thanksgiving dinner, if for no other reason than to gawk and the broken girl who has to go to a special school to get better."
"I'm glad you were broken," he said, not realizing how it would sound.
"You have no idea how badly I want to pour alcohol on your knuckles right now."
He laughed a genuine belly laugh and said, "I would just rip the room apart."
"You do and I will set your balls on fire," I retaliated.
We both laughed together and it was what we needed, the laugh and the together. We talked off and on, with the intervals becoming longer and longer, until we both fell asleep. I slept in his arms, peacefully, without desire or fear.
The next morning Esme woke us up at ten in the morning. She informed us both Edward would spend the day in sessions and would leave in the late afternoon with Carlisle for Chicago. We ate breakfast and all returned to the school.
When we reached the area where I would turn for the dorms and he would turn to the session room, we both stopped. He looked scared and I wanted to find just the right word to bolster him, but that word didn't exist, so I hugged him tightly and said, "I love you, Edward Masen."
"Believe in me," he said and I nodded with understanding. If anyone could turn this around, he could.
I watched him walk away and wondered if I would ever see him again.
Two days later I walked out of the school with a suitcase and climbed into my father's truck. I could feel the changes I had made begin to slip the further we got from the school. I felt sick when I thought of the others, especially Edward. He didn't have enough control to slip.
We were not home for more than half an hour when Jake showed up. He was happy, in an annoying kind of way, and began asking me to go various places. I ignored his request until he brought up some amateur nights at different clubs.
I agreed to go with him that night to check one out. I brought along my guitar and made sure I wore something performance worthy. Jake signed me up to sing while I found a table at the side of the stage. I was more nervous this time and I couldn't figure out why, until I reached the stage.
I had so many more emotions closer to the surface and as soon as I began to sing they came rushing to the top. I cried through my song and it changed the tempo and the feel. It wasn't meant to be biographical, I just liked the Amy Winehouse song, 'You know that I'm no good.' But I soon began to sing it for me, and for Rose, and for Alice, and for Jessica, and Lauren, and Angela.
It caused my heart to bleed and I left it torn and mangled on the stage. I tried to head back to our table but the crowd moved forward for me. They had tears in their eyes and wanted to thank me for singing for them, too. Something profound happened to me that night, and I changed forever.
I wanted to hold out hope something could change for Edward, too.
"Bella, you should drop out of school and go into music," Jake said on the ride home.
"Yeah, because there aren't any unemployed musicians," I laughed.
"You have talent, girl, and you need to start working on it."
"I have more important things to work on first. I need to get my stepfather put in prison."
His head spun to the side and he stared at me in shock.
"Watch the road," I yelled.
"I thought you were the one in trouble, not him," he said in confusion.
"There was a reason I set him on fire Jake. It wasn't because he made me clean out the fireplace and wouldn't let me go to the ball," I said in anger.
"He did stuff," he said hesitantly.
"Yeah, he did stuff," I said back quietly.
"Does Charlie know?" he asked.
"I need to talk to him about it, I think he only suspects at this point."
"What made you decide to say something?"
"I met a guy, Jake, a really great guy, but I can't move forward until I deal with the past. He has to do the same thing, I just don't know if he can," I said sadly.
"Now I understand the singing tonight. You really need to write your own material, you would be awesome," he said with pride.
"Thanks, Jake. That means a lot to me." I suddenly felt inspired to get my hands on the sheets of music in Edward's dorm room. His music with my words would make an incredible combination. I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving to be over and go back to school.
I just didn't realize the remainder of the weekend would put a huge road block between me and Edward. If I could turn back time I would have let Jake drop me off that night and locked myself in my room until time to return to school. But life doesn't work like that and one innocent mistake ripped Edward from my arms.
I was pacing back and forth in my dorm room, waiting for group time, and my chance to see Edward. I tried to focus on the talk going on in my room. Alice was thrilled to report she stayed out of the mall, and returned something she took from a small boutique. Rose was happy to let us all know she ate some mashed potatoes and actually kept them down.
Angela seemed quiet, and when I pulled her aside to see how she did away from school, she sadly shook her head. "There is just so much pressure in my home," she said sadly.
I didn't share my big news yet, I wanted Edward to be the first to hear, and if the clock didn't move faster I would run into his dorm room and drag him out.
"Let's head to group," Alice suggested and I bolted from the room.
I got to the session room and saw Emmett already there. He looked very different. His muscles were still huge, but he seemed smaller and tighter than before. I heard him telling Rosalie he was working out more and doubling up on lean proteins. She was naming different vitamin combinations and quickly lost me in the conversation.
The door opened and I looked up in anticipation, only to see Jasper walk in. He picked up Alice and spun her around as she kissed his cheek several times. They huddled together and spoke only to each other.
When Esme walked in I was just about ready to burst. I rushed up to her and asked if Edward had arrived yet. Her face changed slightly, but I noticed it, and my heart plummeted.
"Everyone take a seat," she said loudly.
We sat and waited for the obviously bad news.
"I'm afraid Edward is not back yet, and might possibly not return until after Christmas break," she announced.
I could feel the blood draining from my face and everyone turned to look at me.
"Why?" I asked barely above a whisper.
"He is dealing with personal matters," she said vaguely.
"Where's Carlisle?" I asked.
"He is still with Edward," she said refusing to look directly at me.
I could feel my eyes begin to tear up and I yelled at myself for falling apart just because Edward was taking a bit longer to return. I gave myself a quick pep talk and sat up a little straighter.
"Who has good news to report?" Esme asked.
I raised my hand and decided to tell everyone what I had been keeping concealed.
"Bella?"
"I got a job, singing at a club over Christmas break, and the owner is trying to get a music executive to come hear me sing."
Everyone began offering their congratulations and Esme seemed particularly proud. "How did this happen, Bella?" She asked.
"I sang there Saturday night, and they asked me back for Sunday night and then offered me the job," I said with a smile.
"Wonderful," she said with a laugh.
"I wish we could all be there," Emmett offered.
"I hoped Edward could come," I said sadly. "Is the funeral over?"
"Yes," Esme said shortly and moved to another subject.
"Jasper, how did it go for you?"
"Well, I got sucked into a plan to con companies out of donations to an Appalachian Santa scheme, but as soon as the first firm agreed and got my ass out of there."
Alice squealed and began jumping up and down. "I did the same Jaz, I took something but then returned it," she said proudly.
"I went down ten pounds with what I was able to bench press," Emmett said sadly.
"But, hun," Rose offered, "you will most likely gain minutes in stamina, so it equals out."
He smiled and nodded, made happy so easily by a simple suggestion from Rosalie.
We spent the session setting goals and I was having a hard time concentrating. When Esme walked into her office I followed her. "What's going on?" I asked.
She looked at me for a minute, trying to decide if she wanted to tell me something. "Edward has had a bit of a setback," she finally offered.
"Did he fight with his father?" I asked.
"No, his father refused to speak to him." I noticed how her eyes saddened.
"Was he at the funeral?"
"Yes, but…" She took a deep breath and finally said, "Bella, Edward is staying at our home. Carlisle brought him back to stay with us."
"Why isn't he at school?" I asked as tears formed in my eyes.
"He had another violent episode last night. I'm concerned about sharing some information with you because you are moving forward in your recovery; I don't want you feeling blame for his issues," she said as she pulled out a chair for me to sit.
I swallowed hard and prepared myself to hear something about Edward and his father.
"Did you have a friend with you when you sang at the club?" she asked politely.
My heart dropped in my stomach and my mouth went dry. "Jake gave me a ride, I don't have a car," I said in a shaky voice.
She reached out and took my hand, "Bella, I'm afraid Edward's cousin was in the audience and misunderstood. He told Edward you were there with another boy."
I remembered hearing the news about the music executive and hugging Jake in joy. I think Jake even kissed my cheek, but I couldn't be sure. I was so immersed with my own happiness I didn't think about how it would appear to others.
"I have to talk to him, I need to explain," I said in panic.
"No, you have nothing to explain. Edward needs to learn to handle his emotions without violence. He is emotional right now, his mother died and his father rejected him."
"Why would a father reject his son?" I cried.
"He is very hurt by his wife's obvious preference for her son over her husband. He has his own bitterness to work through."
"But parents are supposed to be better; they are supposed to love us unconditionally."
"Sweetheart, that is why it is so important to get control of your issues now and not drag them into a relationship with children. You keep working hard on you, and let me work with Edward."
I moved from my chair and hugged her tightly. "Can I ask a favor?" I begged.
"Sure."
"Can I go to his dorm and get the music he wrote?"
"Yes, dear, go ahead."
I walked slowly to his room. His pillow still held the dent of his head and I ran my fingers over it. I inhaled and could smell his hair product and my arms began to ache from want. I had to force myself to remove the sheets of music from the wall and leave before I fell apart.
I went to the music room and began working my way through his notes with my guitar. I found one that resonated with me and began to let words fall from my mouth. I didn't try to rhyme or find a particular hook; I just let my heart open up.
I felt like I had been there for only minutes when the cleaning crew opened the door. I looked up to see it was past midnight and made my apologies as I hurried to my dorm room. Angela was still up and whispered across to my bunk.
"Are you okay?"
"I feel like I am looking over the edge of an abyss. I don't want to fall in, but going back the way I came is…hard," I tried to explain.
"I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel. I keep running, but I don't get anywhere," she admitted.
"Do you feel loved?" I asked her.
"No," she admitted. "I feel like I only disappoint people."
"Angela," I said with emotion, "I love you."
She smiled at me and said, "My parents tell me the Lord loves me, they don't understand I want them to love me first."
"Do you think the Lord loves me?" I asked her, never having a religious upbringing beyond a couple of church camps and a few Sunday school lessons.
She was quiet for a moment and looked to be deep in thought. "I don't think I know what that is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I hurt so badly and I can't point to a spot, so I cut and I can understand where the pain is. I don't know where the love is, I can't point to it."
"I don't think it has a spot, I think it encompasses you. I feel consumed by Edward's love, just like I felt consumed by Phil's evilness," I tried to explain, but came nowhere near saying it right.
We were quiet for a moment and then she whispered, "Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"I think the Lord loves you, and I love you, too."
"Thank you, Angela."
"Okay we all love each other, now shut the hell up and go to sleep," Lauren said angrily.
"Lauren?" I whispered loudly.
"What?" she answered back.
"Your pants are on fire," I giggled, alluding to the liar, liar, phrase.
"Shove it, Bella," she said as she turned over in bed.
Angela and I laughed and I finally climbed under my covers and sang Edward's song in my head as I drifted off to dream of him.
The next day we attended regular classes. It was painful to sit in science and look across the room at Edward's empty chair. I had considered writing him a letter to explain Jake was only my ride to the club, but then I grew angry and didn't feel like I had to explain myself.
I spent the entire day going back and forth in my mind. During lunch I noticed Rosalie and Emmett analyzing every morsel of food for its health benefit. I was amazed when she came to the table with a loaded plate of food and ate it all without leaving for the restroom. They were working together and I was jealous of their trust in each other.
I spent music class working on the lyrics to the song Edward wrote and felt a lot better when I walked into the session room to work with Esme.
"Bella, let's set up a timetable of events in relation to testifying against Phil," she suggested.
"Okay, I need to talk openly with my father and then tell my mother, after that I will call the Arizona police."
She looked at me in stunned silence and a smile grew slowly on her face. "Okay, who are you and where is Bella?" She laughed.
I laughed and scooted to the edge of my chair to talk. "Esme, I sang one night and all the pain came spilling out of me, and guess what? Other people needed me to sing for their pain, everybody has something that hurts. I'm not alone," I admitted.
"How will your mother respond?"
"She will deny it, that is her forte in life, but I can't let her weakness ruin my strength."
"It will be painful," she pointed out and I chuckled.
"That is why you're here; helping me deal with pain is your forte."
"Did you get abducted by aliens over Thanksgiving?" she teased.
"Can I ask about Edward?" I said as my smile faded.
She took a deep breath and I noticed how her brow furrowed. "I guess the closest analogy would be a toddler who is learning how to walk. He falls easily and sometimes goes back to crawling, but we keep standing him back up and help him take a step."
"Does he hate me?" I asked.
"Honey, we aren't addressing his relationship with you, yet. I'll let you know when we do," she promised.
"I've been thinking about writing him a letter," I admitted.
"Not just yet, dear. You keep moving forward and stop looking behind to see where he is. One day he will be moving right next to you."
I nodded. "Will you be with me when I talk to my dad?" I asked feeling a bit nervous.
"Would you like me to be with you?" she asked.
"Yes, it would give me courage and I think it would make my dad more comfortable, too."
"I will call him and set up a meeting," she said as she wrote in her day planner.
"Esme, I just want to tell you, I think you are a wonderful mother. I know we aren't your children but you make us feel loved."
She looked at me and set her pen down before grabbing a tissue off her desk. "I do love you kids, regardless of any issues. I looked into your scared, angry, faces full of attitude, and I see the loving, confident, successful adults you are going to be. It is getting you to see it that gives me so much joy."
"It would have been a mistake for me to have sex with Edward and I want to thank you for your advice," I told her. "But," I added with a smile, "It will happen when we're emotionally ready."
Esme stuck her fingers in her ear and began saying, "la, la, la, la, la,"
I laughed and hugged her again before leaving the room. I ran into Jessica coming out of our dorm and I passed her before calling out, "Your shoes are untied."
She gasped loudly and looked down at her lace-less shoes before screaming a profanity at my retreating form.
11
The days began to pass quickly and I was resigned to the fact I could not fix Edward, he had to do the hard work. I could only work on my own issues, so I worked hard with Esme, telling her the truth that I had kept buried so deeply.
We talked about every detail locked in my subconscious. I began to feel a sense of relief in my soul and the need for justice in my mind. We discussed how to talk to my father and when the morning arrived for our meeting I didn't feel the dread I had expected.
I walked into Esme's office to find Charlie, sitting with a cup of coffee, smiling at her charm. He stood and gave me a big hug. I wondered what she told him to make him appear so relaxed. I would think getting called to the school for emotional misfits would make a dad a bit nervous.
I sat in the chair next to him and turned by body toward him. Esme began the conversation by saying, "Mr. Swan, Bella is ready to discuss the motivation behind the fire. She will not necessarily go into detail, but she will make sure you understand the entirety of the situation."
"Dad, I want to start by saying you did everything you could to get me to open up, I chose not to say anything, so none of the guilt falls onto your shoulders."
He swallowed hard, and I could tell by the look in his eyes he had hoped this day was never coming.
"Phil was abusive to me. I tried to pretend I could handle him and fight him, but I couldn't. I set the fire to stop him once and for all, it wasn't an accident like I he said it was. I purposely hurt him and I purposely wanted to hurt him in that spot."
"Does your mother know?" he asked without much shock.
"Yes and no. I told her he came into my room, and scared me, and made me feel uncomfortable. He told her he was parenting me and I didn't like the discipline. She never asked me, dad."
"How long?" he asked with a very tense jaw.
"Slowly escalating over the past four years."
He nodded and finally looked down at his lap. I watched as he struggled to come to terms with what he was hearing. His hands were clinched and his leg was bouncing furiously.
Esme smiled softly at me, letting me know it was okay to give him a moment to compose himself. He finally looked at me again and said, "Tell me what you need me to do."
"I need you to tell mom," I said with determination. "And then help me press charges."
"Charlie, I would be willing to help you find the right way to talk with Renee, if you like," Esme said to him. "I would even be willing to be there."
"Does Bella have to be there?" he asked with concern.
"Yes, for her own closure. Of course you can talk with Renee alone first, if you think that would be best for Bella."
"I can't see Phil," he said with hatred seething in his words. "I wear a gun, and I know I would use it."
"Would Renee agree to come up here alone?" she asked.
"No, we would have to go down there."
I knew my mother harbored resentment for being moved to a small town where it rained constantly. She swore she would never return to Washington. I also knew she wouldn't agree to leave Phil when he was still receiving medical treatment.
"School is out in a few days for Christmas break, but I know Bella has plans. Why don't you set up something for January and I will take a few days off to go with you," Esme offered.
He nodded and turned back to me. "I love you Bella, I am so proud of you and I think you are extremely brave. I wish…." He broke into tears and covered his eyes.
I jumped from my chair and wrapped my arms around him. "Dad, I made it though this because I knew I had the best dad in the world. You never let me down," I assured him.
He kissed my head as he pulled me tightly against his chest. "Let me say it, Bella, let me tell you how sorry I am."
"I know, Dad," I cried into his shirt.
He simply held me, refusing to lessen his hold as I closed my eyes and let his love surround me. One thought broke through into my mind, 'I wish Edward could feel a father's love.'
"Bella," Esme said when we finally broke apart. "Let me talk to Charlie and you run to class."
I smiled and gave him one last hug before leaving the room. I began looking for Angela. I wanted to tell her how everything went, but she was not around. I checked the bathrooms and any hidden places I could think of. I was beginning to panic when she came walking around the corner holding hands with Ben.
Her hand instantly pulled from his and I laughed. "I'm not your mom, Ang. If you want to hold Ben's hand, hold it for heaven's sake."
He blushed a bit and gave her a light peck before walking away. She straightened her stance, not trying to appear shorter for Ben, and smiled like a girl in love.
"When did this happen?" I asked her.
"We met at the dance, but don't tell anyone. I don't want my father finding out," she said in fear.
I felt lucky for having Charlie and sad that she didn't.
"Why is he here?" I asked.
"He killed a litter of kittens," she said sadly.
"Angela, that is a sign of a sociopath," I said with wide eyes.
"He was raised on a farm," she explained, "and people drop off stay cats and dogs all the time. They were losing chickens and he was told to kill the kittens, so they didn't have to take them to the pound."
"And he did?" I said with a scrunched up face.
"He sees it was wrong now, but he was raised to believe it was okay."
"Man, I'm glad his parents let him come here, instead of just killing him," I said trying to joke, but not finding it funny.
"How did it go with your father?" she asked.
"Great, we will go to Arizona in January."
"Any news on Edward?" she asked knowing it would most likely upset me.
"No, but as long as Esme doesn't tell me he is punching walls or kissing girls, I have hope," I admitted.
"What if he is kissing walls and punching girls?" she giggled.
"Lucky walls," I sighed as I pulled her off to class with me.
At lunch I sat with Alice and Jasper, letting Angela spend time alone with Ben. Alice stared at me and finally asked, "Can I give you a make over?"
I gasped and got offended. "Do I need a make over?"
"No, I just want to play with your hair and makeup. You have great skin and hair, and it would be fun to experiment," she said as she stared at various places on my face.
"Can you give me a look for the club?" I asked, suddenly excited. "Nothing too extreme but something a little special?"
Alice squealed and began throwing out tons of ideas. She began telling me all the stuff I would need to buy and I shook my head, telling her I would not be willing to shop with her. I assured her I had stuff in my closet at Charlie's that would be fine.
Jasper sat quietly and seemed to find joy in just watching Alice get excited about something. I was missing Edward more each day. By evening session I needed a moral boost from Esme, and hopefully a little insight into what she said to Charlie.
I walked into the room to find Carlisle standing in front of our chairs instead of Esme. I hurried over to him and began asking about Edward.
"Calm down, Bella," he smiled, "Edward is fine."
"Fine? Fine is what adults say when they don't want you to know just how bad things are," I said in a panic.
"Okay, let me rephrase, Edward is working hard and making progress."
"Does he ask about me?" I asked.
"He hopes you are doing well," he lied. I could tell it was a lie right when it left his mouth. It would have made more sense if Edward told me to kiss his ass. That, I would have believed.
"Can you give him a message, please?"
"Sure," he said just a little too fast.
"I want you to tell me if you will give him my exact message?" I demanded to know.
"If it is detrimental to his therapy, I won't."
"I just want him to know I am going to Arizona in January to press charges against Phil. I want him to know I am facing it, and I am doing really well with the decision."
"I will tell him, Bella," he promised.
I know he kept his promise because three days later I got a letter in the mail. I had never received mail at school before, and I would be going home for Christmas break in only two days. I opened the simple white envelope to find a letter from Edward.
I looked around at the people passing me in the hallway and knew I needed privacy to over analyze the letter. I went to the music room and sat on the piano bench, feeling a spiritual connection to Edward as I read.
Bella,
Carlisle told me you are going to Arizona. I am glad Jake could give you the courage to face Phil. I only gave you heartache. I didn't handle the news you were dating Jake very well, but I won't make that mistake again. I learned how to step back emotionally and become detached from toxic people. At least my father was honest in his disdain for me, you led me to believe you loved me, and then went behind my back
I realized I was being unfair to you. I am hurting and I wanted you to hurt, too. I am sorry; I still have a lot of work to do. Good luck in Arizona, you deserve your justice.
Edward
I stared at the hateful message he wrote first and felt sick inside. I needed to see him and explain, or at least get a letter to him. I had no idea how to make him listen to me or believe me. Suddenly something came to mind. I would send him a song. I would use his music to write lyrics from my heart just for him. He wouldn't know where they came from and surely he would play the song and feel my heart speaking to him.
I played through his sheet music and found a song the matched the message of my heart. I began writing down the words that I wanted him to know. I wrote of my admiration of him, my passion for him, my concern for him, and most of all, my love.
I tried to work the song until I had it just the way I wanted, but something was missing and I couldn't quite figure it out. I shut my eyes and played my guitar very softly, holding the notes just a bit too long and tried to 'feel' the hole in the lyrics.
It was hope, the song lacked hope that everything would work out for us in the end. I didn't want Edward for just this school year, I wanted him forever, and so I added one simple phrase to the song.
Tomorrow, is a constantly moving day I want to spend my life chasing, with you.
I placed the sheet music in an envelope and mailed it to the Cullens home in care of Edward Masen. I packed up my clothes and prepared for Christmas break. I tried to concentrate on the idea of singing in the club and not in the hope a music executive would discover me.
I headed to the front of the school and passed Alice and Jasper climbing onto a bus for the airport. I gave them a tight hug and heard Emmett call out to me.
"Hey Bella, did you see Edward? He's in Carlisle's office."
I dropped my suitcase and ran to the session room as fast as I could. It was empty, so I ran to his dorm room to find it cleared out for break. I began to cry and could only think of one more place to look. I ran to the music room and threw open the door, but it was empty.
I finally went back to the front of the school feeling frustrated and rejected. I picked up my abandoned suitcase and saw my father's truck. He got out of the cab and came over to pick up my bag and give me a hug.
I walked to the passenger side, and Jake surprised me by jumping out and smiling widely, as he yelled 'surprise. '
I laughed, smacking his arm away, when he reached over and messed up my hair. He held open the door and as I climbed into the cab I looked across the parking lot to see a car waiting to pull onto the main road. Edward was sitting in the back and staring right at me.
His look said it all, he was not happy to see me.
I wanted to run after the Cullen's car and beg him to stop and listen to me. Instead, I climbed into my father's truck and pouted the entire way home. I knew Edward had not received the song yet, and had to hope he would soften after hearing it. My dad thought it was the idea of going to Arizona that had me so upset.
"Bells," he said, "you don't have to come with me to Phoenix."
"I want to come, dad," I said, quickly growing irritated at his concern.
"Are you and Jake fighting?" he asked. I had only barely registered the fact we had dropped Jake off.
"Why would I care if I was fighting with Jake? He is just a friend, dad. Don't read anything into it," I said with a loud voice.
"Well, are you going to clue me in, or just sass me for two weeks?' He responded just as loudly.
"Sass?" I laughed at his choice of word.
"Yeah, you're acting like you are five, so I thought I would talk to you like a five year old."
"I like a boy from school," I finally admitted. "It's complicated."
"Is he pressuring you to get physical?" he asked with a nervous voice.
My mouth fell open and I looked at him in shock, "Dad!"
"I know how teenage boys can be, I was once a teenage boy," he pointed out.
I gave him a disgusted look and shook my head. "Don't gross me out, dad."
"Gross, I'm gross?" he laughed. "The girls in school thought I was pretty cool."
"Of course they did, everyone looks better by candlelight," I teased him.
We pulled into the driveway and Charlie turned to look at me before turning off the engine. "Seriously Bella, boys think very differently from girls, I may be able to give you some insight."
I thought for a moment and decided to give it a try. "The boy I like was extremely close to his mother and she just died. He gets….really angry," I admitted. "He is a musician and great at expressing such beautiful, tender feelings, but he can't control his rage."
"There are a lot of great young men, full of promise and possibility, serving time in prison because of rage. My advice would be to stay away from him. You can't love him into changing."
"I know, Dr. Cullen made that very clear. I just wish I knew what he needed to feel peace."
"I'm not a therapist, but as a cop I can tell you what he needs, he needs to learn self control. I pick up volatile punks who can't control their mouths, or addictions, or actions, every day."
"The school is full of us, and I said us because I am one, too," I pointed out. "There is a reason we have problems with control, and it usually has to do with the adults in our lives."
"You can't blame your problems on others Bella. You rise to the occasion or you quit, it is that simple."
I nodded and felt like he was talking about me, but he quickly added, "Like you Bella, you are rising to the occasion and I am very proud of you."
I let him pull me into a tight hug and then we headed into the house. I unpacked my bag and spent the evening decorating the small Christmas tree Charlie set up in the family room. It grew dark and Jake showed up. I was irritated at first, but he began making fun of the ornaments I made as a child and had me laughing like crazy.
I finally got my guitar and began planning the order of the songs I would sing. Jake was giving me suggestions and when I sang the song I wrote for Edward he sat quietly.
"Where did you get that song?" he asked.
"I wrote the lyrics, and a kid at school wrote the music. Do you like it?"
"I think you should sing that if the music guy shows up," he said.
"Don't even bring that up, I don't want to know if he shows or not," I said in fear.
"If you get famous will you introduce me to hot chicks?" he laughed.
"I plan on pretending I don't know you," I laughed and stuck my nose in the air.
"I plan on selling a story to the gossip rags," he informed me. "Remember that night when we got high and broke into a bank and had sex in the vault?"
"You liar, it doesn't even sound real," I laughed.
"Well, I remember it clearly," he said as he ducked from the guitar pick I threw at him.
Jake left and I stayed up to watch a movie. I sat in front of the blinking lights on the Christmas tree and thought of Edward. I was so afraid I was going to lose him forever, even if Charlie thought he was someone to keep away from, I loved him anyway.
When I finally headed off to bed I could hear my dad speaking to someone on the phone. I stopped walking and listened in the hallway. He was setting up a meeting with my mom; I learned we would meet at a hotel on January third.
Lying in bed thinking of Edward was actually painful. I wanted to see his crooked smile, his messy hair which somehow always looked perfect, and his amazing lips. I was too afraid to hope I would see him soon. I had to fix the things with Phil first.
The next day I went Christmas shopping with Jake. I wanted to buy something for Edward, but gifts were not allowed at school and I had no hope of seeing him over break. I bought a fishing lure for my dad; Jake assured me it was something Charlie would love to have.
I pretended to buy a shirt for Jake, but actually snuck off to get a seat cover for his car. He had been complaining about wanting one for months. I was walking past a kiosk in the mall when something caught my eye. It was a silver clip, used for holding sheet music. I got it engraved with a B and E inside a heart. I hid it deep in my bag so Jake wouldn't see it.
When evening came I began getting ready for the club. I dressed the way Alice told me and began putting on makeup the way she showed me. I stood back and looked in a mirror. The straight legged jeans made my legs look longer and the layered tee was a comfortable combination.
Jake showed up to give me a ride and when I opened the door he burst into laughter. I instantly felt the tears begin to form and blushed deeply. "Does it look bad?" I asked softly.
"Hell no," he laughed, "You look hot."
"Why are you laughing at me?"
"Because you're just….Bella," he explained.
"I can't be hot?" I said beginning to get angry.
"I just think your music is good enough, you don't need the get up," he said in a serious voice.
"But if I need a little confidence, does it look okay?" I asked him honestly.
"Yeah, you look okay," he said shaking his head.
"What?" I asked as I followed him out the door.
"I just have a feeling I will be getting in a fight tonight, protecting your honor."
"Shut up," I said, but secretly loved the compliment.
We entered the dark club and I found my way to the owner, Sam. He smiled and nodded toward the stage, "Anytime you're ready, it will be a small crowd tonight so don't worry about feeling any pressure."
I got my guitar out and Sam played with the sound system before introducing me to the crowd. As soon as I walked onto the stage I felt all the nerves disappear. I played the songs I was used to performing and didn't have the guts to try my own stuff until the end of the night.
Jake remained at the table in front of the stage and smiled encouragingly at me throughout the night. The applause slowly grew louder as the set went on, and my confidence increased. I ended the night with the song for Edward, which was a big mistake.
My joy slowly moved to pain, as I sang out my heart about the guy I loved. I could feel the tears making their way down my face, but I couldn't stop to wipe them away. I held the final note long after the guitar quieted. When it faded to quiet, the crowd erupted in whistles and cheers.
I walked from the stage, feeling sad and lonely, when I should be on top of the world. Jake came running over to lift me off the ground in celebration, and I forced myself to smile. Sam was grinning like a mad man and told me he would increase my pay, if I would promise to show up every night over the break.
I had people wanting to buy me drinks and Sam made sure to keep the alcohol far from me, knowing Charlie would shut him down. I headed out the door with Jake's arm protectively around me as we ran for the car.
"You are going to be so freaking famous," he laughed.
"I had a good night in a small club in western Washington; that is about as far from famous as you can get."
"I can't wait for your E true Hollywood story; I am going to look so great on television," he said with confidence.
"Why are you going to be on television?"
"I'm the guy who helped you find fame, and was then tossed aside for some Jonas brother," he laughed.
"That is disgusting," I said as I pretended to vomit.
"At least tell me what to leave out when they pay me to spill my guts."
I froze in realization my life could not be shared with the world. I looked out the window and Jake reached over to touch my arm. "I'm sorry, Bella, I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay," I said softly.
"Are you still pressing charges?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm going with my dad to Arizona after Christmas."
"You're brave," he said staring at the road.
"No, I'm pissed," I admitted.
"Do you have to see Phil?" he asked.
"No," I said loudly. "I couldn't look at him. I know my dad couldn't handle it."
"I would love to see Charlie take the guy out, it would be justifiable."
"I don't want to turn my dad into a killer," I said sadly.
"Do you think the school you go to helps?" he asked.
"I think having Carlisle and Esme Cullen helps, I'm not too sure about the school."
We pulled into my driveway and I was surprised when Jake got out and followed me inside. Charlie had just returned from a call and was sitting in front of the television. Jake gave him a play by play of the night and his pride in me was infectious.
When Charlie went to bed I walked Jake to his car. "Thanks so much for coming with me," I told him.
"It was a blast, don't forget me when you become a diva," he laughed and pulled me into a hug.
I squeezed him and when I began to pull back he leaned in and kissed me. At first it was gentle, but it began to build and I was lost in the memory of Edward. My arms tightened, thinking of Edward, as I pictured him in my memory.
I was suddenly aware it was not Edward in my arms, but Jake. I pulled away harshly and covered my lips with my hand and began to cry.
"Sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for you. I hope you know I wouldn't hurt you like Phil?"
He had no idea it was not Phil that caused me the pain I was experiencing. It was the memory of Edward, and I felt like I just cheated on him. The one thing he accused me of doing, just happened.
I said a quick goodnight and ran to the house. I fell onto my bed and cried until I got angry. I was fixing my life so I could be with Edward, but he still wasn't strong enough to fix his life for me. I cussed him, and then instantly regretted it. He needed time, and it was the least I could give him.
I promised myself I would tell Jake all about Edward, before it got out of hand.
12
For the rest of the week, Charlie let me use his truck to drive to the club each night. I was enjoying the limited celebrity and began learning the names of some of the regulars. I always ended the set with Edward's song, and started using that title. By the fifth night people began requesting 'Edward's song.'
I got home late one night to find Jake waiting for me. I groaned and got out of the truck. "Hey," I said with little enthusiasm.
"I haven't seen you much, are you mad at me?" he asked.
"No, I'm mad at myself," I admitted.
He leaned down to look into my eyes, and his smile made me laugh. He was such a happy go lucky guy, nothing I would ever be able to deal with.
"It was wrong to kiss you, Jake," I said as I headed to the house.
"Why?" he asked with a sad tone.
"I have a lot of work to do and to be honest; I've already given my heart away to another guy."
"Did you meet someone at the club?" he asked.
"No, at school, I would tell you about him, but it is really messed up right now." I pointed at him and continued. "You just made it a lot more messed up by kissing me."
"You kissed me back, Bella," he pointed out.
"I know, and it was wrong, please don't make me explain," I begged him.
"Is it the guy from the song?"
"Yeah."
"Does he know?" he pushed.
"Yes, but he has his own issues to deal with," I said sadly.
"What did he do, to be put in the school?"
"He killed a guy who kissed his girlfriend," I said with a straight face.
"No shit?" he asked as his eyes shot wide.
I laughed loudly and he moved to tackle me onto the couch. "That isn't funny," he yelled
It made me uncomfortable, and I wasn't sure if it was memories of fighting Phil, or that fact he wasn't Edward. My smile faded and I began to push him away. He seemed embarrassed and quickly got up.
We sat on the couch, neither one of us speaking, until I finally said softly, "Jake, I really need you to be my friend. I need you to be yourself, and not weird around me. I need you…."
I broke into sobs and he put his arm around me attentively. "I'm sorry, Bella, and I promise not to be weird around you."
We sat huddled together for several minutes and I finally told him I needed to get to bed. I put my pillow over my face, trying to block out the memories of Edward, but I ached so badly I decided to go see him. It was Christmas Eve tomorrow and I wanted to take him the gift, and see if he would even speak to me.
I spent the morning making gingerbread cookies and packed up a box for Edward. I had spent so many Christmas Eve's making cookies with my mom, but this time they had to be just perfect. I used my dad's truck to drive to the city and began to shake as I pulled into the Cullen's driveway. I didn't even know if Edward would still be there, so I put his gift in my coat pocket, and carried the cookies to the door.
Carlisle answered and I smiled nervously. "I made cookies," I said stupidly.
He reached out for the box and I pulled it back slightly. "Is Edward here?" I asked.
"Come in, Bella," he said sadly.
I entered the familiar house and saw Edward helping Esme wrap some gifts at the kitchen table. He looked up and his smile faded instantly. My heart sank and I looked down at the tiled floor.
"You have a guest, Edward," Carlisle said.
"Hello, Bella," Esme said as she came over to offer a hug. I snuck a peek at Edward and he was staring at his shaking hands.
Both Dr. Cullen's left the room and I was frozen to my spot. I could hear my own heart beating loudly and I waited for him to say something. The silence was uncomfortable and I wanted to run from the room.
He finally scooted the chair, and the scraping noise made me lift my eyes up to look at him. I crossed my arms around my waist to stop the sick feeling I had inside. He was looking up at me, keeping his head lowered and I wanted to reach out for him, instead he motioned to a chair and I felt my feet begin to move.
When I got to the chair I unfolded my arms and handed him the box. "It's just some cookies," I mumbled.
"Thanks," he said without emotion.
"How are you?" I asked him.
"Totally screwed up in the head, how are you?" he asked sarcastically.
"Did you get my song?"
"You mean my song?" he corrected.
"Yeah, that was what I meant," I said lowering my head.
"I didn't say you could use my music," he said hatefully.
"I didn't know what to say in a letter," I explained. "It was my way of trying to say I'm sorry."
I reached out and touched his hand and he pulled it away.
"I don't want to talk to you right now," he said, but his eyes said something different.
"Fine, just listen then, I miss you, Edward. I miss you and I think about you always. I'm sorry for what happened in Chicago," I added.
"Are you?" he said angrily, "Are you really sorry for cheating on my while I buried my mother?"
"I didn't cheat on you," I yelled loudly.
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid," he said with a disgusted look on his face.
"You are stupid," I screamed. "You know what happened to me, do you really think I would be going from one guy to the next?"
"Maybe you didn't hate dear old stepdad as much as you pretended," he said to hurt me.
"Really, you're really going to say that to me on Christmas Eve?" I said, as I stood and made my way to the front door.
He didn't follow me and I tossed his gift under the tree before leaving the house. I climbed in the truck just as Esme came to the driver's door.
"Bella, honey, please don't leave," she said sweetly.
I sat in the driver's seat and stared forward as I said, "I understand we are going to Arizona on the third."
"Yes, are you feeling okay with the whole thing?" she asked.
"I was, now I'm just…." I took a deep breath and she opened the truck door.
"Bella, you drove all this way, please come in for a bit longer," she begged.
I didn't want to leave, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to spend time with Edward, even if he was a total ass. I followed her into the house and sat down next to Carlisle and far from Edward. He wouldn't look at me; which was fine. Esme asked about the club and I noticed Edward tighten.
"It's great," I smiled. "I'm making lots money, and people come just to hear me."
"Yeah, right," Edward mumbled.
The anger exploded within me and I yelled loudly, "If you have something to say, be a man, and say it to my face."
"You do a lot more than just singing from what I hear," he yelled.
"And of course what you hear can't be wrong, because I'm just some whore Phil produced, just like you are an emotionally stunted mamma's boy, who can't get his daddy to love him."
"I never cheated on you," he screamed.
"No, you betrayed me in a much worse way," I said as I shook my head. "You doubted me; I have never doubted you, Edward. I learned to trust you intimately, and I let you show me what love was, but you never put your trust in me."
"I saw you with him," he said appalled.
"You saw me with a childhood friend, it was all he was. I can't make you the only person in my life, because I can't trust you."
He jumped up to demand an explanation and I stood to face him. "Are you going to break things every time you misunderstand something?"
"Are you going to stand there and lie to my face?" he said angrily.
I shook my head sadly, "I've never lied to you about Jake."
Esme finally interrupted the verbal sparring, "Edward, why don't you tell Bella some of the changes you are making."
"It doesn't matter," he said hatefully.
I chuckled in anger, "It does to me."
"Go home, Bella," he said softly.
"Go to hell, Edward," I answered and turned to leave.
He grabbed my arm and spun me around, just as Carlisle jumped up to intervene.
"Are you going to hit me?" I asked in shock. I pulled my arm from his hand and pushed him in his chest. "Are you seriously going to hit me?" I screamed.
"I don't want you to leave," he said as his head fell in shame. "I wasn't going to hit you."
"You want me to stay for more verbal abuse?"
He was quiet, so Carlisle prompted him, "Tell her why you don't want her to go, Edward."
"I miss you," he mumbled.
"Why didn't you try to call me, or see me, or come to me?" I asked as my voice broke.
"I was mad," he admitted.
"You have to change, I can't keep wondering if something will set you off."
"I'm learning to channel the anger. I work out punching a bag instead of punching walls."
It was so great to hear him admit he had a problem with punching things. I visualized him, wearing a tank top and silk shorts, fighting in a ring like Rocky Balboa.
I felt a smile grow on my face and his matched mine. He reached out for my hand and I let him take it. He pulled me to the couch and Carlisle and Esme excused themselves. We sat together and I felt my body shaking for another reason.
"The song was amazing," he finally admitted.
"Your music inspires me. I used another song too, I hope you don't mind."
"Can I hear it?" he asked.
"You have to come to the club," I smiled.
He nodded and I saw a look of concern build on his face.
"So, Arizona?" he said softly.
"Yeah, on the third, my father will tell my mom and then I will have him arrested."
He reached out and ran his finger down my cheek. "I'm sorry, love."
I moved closer and put my cheek on his shoulder and sighed as he pulled me closer. "Tell me about the funeral," I whispered.
"She looked so beautiful, dressed in yellow and holding my childhood blanket," he whispered back.
"You were so loved," I told him.
"I would have gladly given my life for hers," he said through tears.
"She would have never allowed it, and I am so glad you're still here," I admitted.
"My father hates me," he said softly.
"No, he doesn't hate you; he is hurting and lashing out in ignorance."
"The Cullens have custodial responsibility for me, my father signed the papers."
I pulled back to look at his sad eyes and held his face in my hands. "You are lucky, Edward. The Cullens are wonderful people."
"I don't feel angry about it, I feel sad sometimes, but there isn't any anger," he confessed.
"I am proud of you and I love you," I said in hope he felt the same way.
"I wish you could stay here tonight," he said.
"My father wears a gun," I laughed. "And Carlisle wouldn't get any sleep guarding the door."
He leaned in slowly, coming closer and closer to my mouth, sending my heart pounding away. When his lips touched mine I inhaled and melted against him. He pushed my coat off my shoulders and I let my arms fall to wiggle out of the thick material.
We kissed for several minutes and he finally stood and pulled me toward the piano. "I wrote you a song," he smiled.
He stepped on a small button and the Christmas tree lit up in its entire splendor. I smiled and sat next to him on the bench as he played the most beautiful tune. I closed my eyes and felt the music penetrate my soul.
When it ended I opened my eyes and looked into his beautiful face. He smiled and said, "I love you."
"Thank you for such a great gift, Santa can just pass my house," I laughed.
He leaned over to speak softly into my ear, "I've got a package I would love to give you."
"You're depraved," I laughed, and pushed him back.
"No, deprived," he corrected.
I turned to straddle the bench and he pulled me over his own legs, so I was tightly against him. He kissed me again and it was nothing like the other kisses. It was filled with need and passion. He was moaning and moving deeper into my mouth.
I was panting loudly and moving my hands over his body when someone coughed. We both jumped and pulled away. Carlisle smiled and shook his finger at us, "You are both minors."
"And at this rate we won't become majors," Edward laughed.
"Not in my house you won't," Carlisle said adamantly.
I waited for him to leave the room and turned to Edward, "Are you coming back to school?"
"Yeah, the school wouldn't let me in until my dad signed over guardianship. He refused to pay the tuition for the next term," he said angrily.
I looked into Edward's eyes and tried to judge his ability to control his anger. There was only one way to find out for sure, and since Esme and Carlisle were so close, I decided to give it a try.
"I have to tell you something Edward, and I know it is going to make you mad."
His jaw tightened and he stood to move further away from me.
"I want to preface it by saying how much I missed you. I think about you every day, and each night, when I sing, it is like a part of me dies. I was thinking about you late one night, and Jake kissed me."
I looked at Edward and noticed how he took another step further from me.
"I kissed him back, because I wanted it to be you, so badly. But even with my eyes closed I could tell it wasn't, so I pushed him away. I told him all about my feelings for you, and even if I showed up here and you no longer wanted me, I wouldn't choose Jake."
Edward stood there, as if he was listening to something only he could hear. He was breathing in and out purposefully and stared at a fixed spot on the far wall. I watched as he slowly came back to life and moved his eyes to look at me.
"He touched you?" he asked with the frightening calm I had learned to recognize.
"He didn't know anything about us, Edward. You can't blame him for his ignorance," I pointed out.
He wrapped his hands tightly around his waist as he struggled to keep his cool. I watched silently, feeling my heart about ready to explode.
"Edward, I didn't have to tell you, you never would have found out. I am being honest with you, because I love you so much."
"I need to work out," he said softly and headed for the doorway.
"Hey," I yelled after him. He spun around ready for a fight, but was shocked to see me grinning at him. His demeanor softened and my smile widened.
"Can I watch?" I asked him.
He laughed and gestured with his head for me to follow him. I mistakenly thought the subject had been settled.
I watched Edward work-out on the equipment in Carlisle's gym, but soon grew tired of his total focus being off of me. I played with the hand weights and became completely bored.
"You're not going to look like Emmett are you?" I asked him, as he bench pressed.
"You don't like Emmett's body?" he laughed.
"He can't even put his arms all the way down to his sides," I complained. "I like your body."
He stopped lifting the bar, and sat it on the holders, before sitting up to smile at me. "Come here," he said raising his eyebrows.
"No, you're sweaty," I said in disgust.
He laughed and said louder, "Come here."
"No," I said and moved toward the door.
He jumped from the bench, and I screamed as I turned to run. He caught me before I could get the door open and pulled me against his sweaty chest. I tried to push him away as I continued to yell for help, but he was laughing hard and rubbing against me.
Esme came running into the room in fear, killing the playful mood we were in. "Sorry, we were only playing," Edward said sadly.
"Don't be sorry," she said, "I apologize to you."
"I have to be going anyway," I offered.
"Wait, Bella, I want to show you something," Edward said, so I turned to look at him.
He quickly raised his arm and pulled me into his arm pit, causing me to scream at the top of my lungs.
"I'm never kissing you again," I said angrily.
"You smoked, that was worse," he accused.
"Smoking is not as disgusting as licking your arm pit," I pointed out as I slapped his stomach.
"You licked it?" he laughed.
I walked out of the gym and grabbed my coat, with him following close behind. "Bella, I seriously quit smoking, aint that great?" he laughed.
"Don't talk to me," I said forcefully.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he laughed. "Tell me how to make it up to you."
I turned to look at his smug face and said, "Take off your shorts."
"That's it?" he asked. "I have a jock on, so it won't bother me."
"Then you have to wear a pair of my panties one full day of school," I finally offered.
"I thought you were going to make me do something awful, not kinky," he laughed.
"I get to pick the day and the pair," I demanded.
"I'll even model them for you. Kiss me before you go," he said holding out his hand.
I grabbed a jacket of his off a hook, and held it in front of me, before leaning against him and kissing him hard. I moved to place my hand in his hair and as soon as I felt the wet, sweaty locks I pushed away.
"Do you have a phone in your room?" he asked out of the blue.
"Yeah, why?"
"Call me at midnight, so you are the first person I talk to on Christmas," he said as he grabbed a pen and wrote down a phone number.
I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face as I drove back to Forks. I planned on inviting Edward to hear me sing. I didn't want it to be the night the agent came, but I had no idea when, or if, he was coming. I put Charlie's gift under the tree and waited in my room for the stroke of midnight.
I dialed the number and Edward answered after the first ring. "I miss you," he answered.
"Merry Christmas, Edward, I love you," I said as heartfelt as I could.
"Ah, you just made my whole holiday," he whispered.
I snuggled lower into the bed and pulled my comforter up tight as I tried to imagine him right in front of me. He exhaled and it made me nervous.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
"Can I tell you something…painful," he asked softly.
"Sure."
"Last Christmas I bought my mom a charm bracelet. I tried to put charms on it that would help her remember things."
"Did she like it?" I interrupted.
"She loved it, but my father bought her a car and she wouldn't even drive it. He must have been so disappointed, and I never once imagined how he must have felt."
"Edward, he was the adult, it was his job to make amends with you."
"I wish she could be here now, so I could tell her to act like she loved the car," he sighed.
"Can I tell you something…painful?" I asked quietly.
"Please do," he whispered.
"Last Christmas, I hid behind the tree. I knew Phil would be looking for me and I piled up presents to hide me."
"Did he…find you?" Edward asked hesitantly.
"No, he drank a bunch of eggnog and passed out. It was a great Christmas."
"Aren't we a pair," he sighed.
"I think you are wonderful," I admitted.
"I love you, and I wish you were here in my bed at this moment," he said causing goose bumps to cover my body.
"Carlisle would be lying between us," I laughed.
"God, I want you," he said and I could hear the need in his voice.
"It will happen for us, someday," I promised. "I would love for you to come to Sam's and hear me sing."
"Yeah, that would be great."
"Will you?" I asked.
"Sure, just tell me when," he said as he yawned.
"Go to sleep, Edward," I laughed.
"Can I call you later today?"
"Yeah, Merry Christmas, Edward.
"Merry Christmas, Bella, I love you."
"I love you, too, goodnight."
The phone ringing woke me up to bright sunlight filling my room. I looked at my radio and it was ten o'clock. I was sure Charlie got called in to work and didn't mind the extra sleep.
"Hello," I answered.
"Bella, why didn't you tell me you gave me a gift?" Edward asked.
"It was nothing big, I just saw it and thought of you," I admitted.
"May I give you something?" he asked.
"You don't have to do that," I assured him.
"There is something I really want to give to you, promise you will let me," he said adamantly.
I laughed loudly and said, "Carlisle said not in his house."
"Not that, Bella, man, you are horny," he laughed.
"What is it?" I pressed him.
He was quiet and finally said, "It is something my mom gave me, and I want you to have it."
"Edward, I don't know what to say. Are you sure?"
"Positive."
I heard the door open downstairs and told him I had to go. He thanked me again for the gift and I ran downstairs to find Charlie, Jake and his father Billy, and my dad's best friend Waylon. We had a great Christmas and it felt so good not to worry about nightfall and if I would have to hide or not.
My life seemed to be coming together and I was anxious to get back to school where I could see Edward every day. I invited him to come to Sam's the following night and waited nervously for him before heading to the stage.
Jake sat in the back and I could tell he could read the disappointed expression on my face. I was in the middle of the set when a man in a three piece suit came in and was given a table right in front of the stage. Sam smiled and gave me a thumbs up.
My mouth was dry and I hesitated so Jake yelled, "Sing Edward's song."
The crowed all cheered in unison and I closed my eyes and began the slow painful song. I tried to picture Edward as I sang, and block out the man sitting in front of me. I was in the zone and feeling the emotion I was trying to emote. I wasn't even halfway through the song when I opened my eyes for some reason.
It was a huge mistake. My eyes wandered to the back of the room, to where Jake was smiling proudly at me. I saw a body lean on the small circular table, and move to speak directly to Jake. It was Edward, and although I couldn't see his face, Jake's told me all I needed to know.
I didn't know what to do and felt panic build as Jake stood and they headed out of the club. I felt sick inside and worried Edward's rage would get Jake hurt, or Jake's huge body would pummel Edward. Either way, someone was going to be hurt because of me.
I could hear my voice begin to shake and I looked at the agent in panic. He furrowed his brow and I was screaming at myself to calm down. I closed my eyes but I couldn't find the emotion I needed. I could only see a horrible image of what was most likely happening outside.
I finally dropped my guitar and ran from the stage. Sam grabbed my arm, but I pulled away and ran outside. I looked around the parking lot and finally saw the barely visible image of someone standing just inside the forest area off of the lot.
I ran over to see Edward and Jake standing a few feet from each other. I got between them and put my hands up, to keep them at a distance, and I noticed how much my arms were shaking. Who was I kidding; I couldn't do anything to keep them from tearing each other apart.
"I'm not letting you guys do this," I screamed. "I am not worth it."
Jake looked at Edward with a stunned expression and they both broke into laughter. I was confused, letting my arms drop; I stared back and forth between them.
"Sorry, dude," Jake laughed, "Bella is not worth changing your flat tire."
"What?" I asked.
"I asked Jake if he would help me change my tire. I thought you would want us to get to know each other better," Edward said while shaking his head.
I wasn't convinced and narrowed my eyes at Edward, "Why are you standing here, and not by your car?"
"We're looking for a couple of rocks to put under the front tires, I'm parked on an incline," he explained.
I heard a car engine turn over and look back toward the club just in time to see the music executive drive away. The tears fell with the realization I had blown my big chance. I fell to the wet ground, not caring if my jeans got damp, and cried with frustration.
"What's wrong….oh," Jake said, putting the pieces together.
"What?" Edward demanded to know.
"The music dude was here to listen to her sing," Jake said, and then nodded for Edward to comfort me.
Edward remained where he was and looked at me for an explanation. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I didn't want to stack more guilt on his shoulders, and I didn't want to admit I was so sure he hadn't changed, that I ran during my big break to save Jake.
I let my head fall back and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Life just sucks." It echoed off the dense forest, and scared the hell out of the two young men who were not fighting over me, but bonding with each other.
Something began to work its way into my brain, my pig-headed brain, and I smiled at the thought. Edward was reaching out to someone other than me. He was looking for a friend separate from us. I stood from the wet ground and began walking back to the club.
"Where are you going?" Edward demanded to know.
"I'm going to sing, you guys can bump chests, or whatever macho thing you do, as you change a tire." I was glad Edward couldn't see my face because I was smiling and filled with hope. I wasn't sure if he knew what this all meant, but I did, and I was soaring.
When I finished for the night, I made my way to Edward and Jake. They were making plans to work-out together, I assumed it was the male equivalent of shopping, and it was hard to get Edward's attention. I finally leaned over to speak directly into his ear, "Hey, I'm the one with the great breasts, remember?"
He smiled and rose from his chair, "See you later, Jake."
We walked arm in arm to Charlie's truck, and Edward climbed in with me as I turned on the heater. He kissed me several times and laughed as the windows began to fog over.
"You have so much talent," he whispered as he kissed my ear.
I swooned at the degree of his talent and sighed. He said, "I have something for you."
Surely he didn't want sex in my father's truck. Not that I would have been able to turn him down. My knees were weak just from his gentle kisses. "Edward," I moaned and he went right back to kissing me.
I worked my way down his neck and onto his chest as he took a moment to catch his breath. "Bella, you have to stop, I don't have any condoms with me."
His statement woke me right up. I didn't think that was where I was headed, but maybe I was. I scooted away from him and we stared at each other, both looking like we just finished running a mile.
"Sorry," I whispered.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small wrapped gift. I smiled and took it with my shaky hands. "It was my mothers, she got it the day I was born," he explained.
I opened the small box to find a beautiful pearl ring surrounded by blue gems. He reached out a picked it up to put it on my finger. It was a perfect fit. "I was born in June and my father searched for months for the perfect pearl. The moonstones around it mean spiritual understanding. It was a sacred stone in ancient civilizations."
"Edward, I can't accept this," I said in shock.
"I want you to have it, even if you hate me someday, I will always know the greatest girl in the world has it." He kissed my hand and said, "You understand me, Bella, only you."
"I love you so much," I said into his eyes.
"I need you so much," he said back to me.