13
I would constantly stare at the ring on my finger and daydream of Edward. I didn't get to see him for New Year's, since I was leaving with Charlie for Arizona. But I called him right at midnight and we talked about our hopes for the New Year.
I knew Esme felt Edward and I should wait until we were completely healthy to have a physical relationship, but that was not going to wait much longer. The more we were apart the more desperate our need for each other became.
I decided to talk to Esme in Arizona about getting on birth control. I would just have to find somewhere to hide it, so sticky fingers Alice couldn't rip me off, and obsessive Jessica wouldn't constantly count them.
I was fine on the flight to Phoenix, but as soon as we landed the fear set in. I grew tense and nervous, causing Charlie to watch me like a hawk. His protectiveness made me feel vulnerable and weak. I could hardly wait for Esme to come, so I could have her explain what I was feeling.
We spent the first day walking around the zoo, something we had done often when he would visit me. I loved the brown mountainous surroundings in contrast to the overreaching green of Washington. The next day Charlie made a trip to the police department to set up a time for me to talk to them.
When the morning of the third arrived, I just wanted to get it all over with. Charlie met Esme at the restaurant downstairs, since she only flew in that morning. Renee was going to meet them in less than one hour, and I positioned myself at the top for the staircase, overlooking the lobby, to catch a glimpse of my mother.
My heart lurched when I saw her car pull up and she quickly walked to the other door to aid someone. I watched in terror as Phil rose slowly from his seat, holding onto my mom for assistance. He pulled out a quad cane and walked very slowly with a hunched back.
I ran as fast as I could down the stairs and got to them just as they entered the lobby. My mother ran to me, and hugged me tightly as she cried for joy. I couldn't let my father see Phil. He wouldn't be able to control his reaction and I didn't want to put him in jeopardy of losing his job, or worse.
"Mom, dad needs to see you alone," I blurted out in a panic. "My school counselor is with him and it can only be parents."
She looked worriedly at Phil, not wanting to leave him alone in the presence of the girl who disfigured him. I let my eyes drop to the floor and I mumbled, "I won't hurt him."
"I'll sit on the bench and wait," he said in a weak voice and began shuffling toward the padded lobby seat.
I pointed my mom in the direction of the restaurant and watched her walk away from me. I turned very slowly to see Phil smirking. He stood and walked perfectly normal toward me; his cane still standing alone by the bench.
He did a little jig and laughed as my body turned to ice. He leaned in to speak softly in my ear and I turned numb. I wanted to punch him, or at least push him away from me, but his smell and his voice held me totally paralyzed.
My heart beat wildly and I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't hear anything around me except for his heavy breathing in my ear.
"You look like you could use some…loving…attention from Phil's drill," he said with a chuckle.
I pulled my hands into fists, but it wasn't to fight him, it was an attempt to shrivel up and disappear. Tears began to fall from my eyes and he reached out with a finger to lift my chin, so I would have to look at him.
He wore a huge smile and I bit the side of my mouth trying desperately to feel something besides the consuming numb.
"Tell daddy how much you missed him," he said with a sneer, and ran his palm across my cheek, and then slowly to cup my neck.
I didn't see anyone else in the lobby. I couldn't hear anyone around me. My surroundings were completely void of anything but Phil, until a foot came out of nowhere and hit him on the side of the head, sending him falling sideways.
My eyes were watching something my brain couldn't understand. Edward was dragging Phil up from the ground and out of the lobby. His rage was so out of control, Phil was like a doll in his hands. He threw him against the large pillar under the covered veranda and punched him over, and over, again in the face.
Phil was bleeding and just barely conscious when several security guards descended on Edward. He tried to fight them off as he struggled to get his hands back on Phil. "Don't you ever fucking touch her again, I'll kill you, do you hear me, I will kill you."
I felt soft arms come around me and looked up to see Esme's distraught face. "Are you okay, Bella?" she asked.
I nodded, and looked at Edward's enraged gaze as they pulled him away. An ambulance had been called for Phil, but he refused to wait and headed to Renee's car. I looked around for my mother and found her wrapped in my father's arms.
"Can you help Edward?" I asked Esme with a soft voice.
"I'm sorry, Bella, he wanted to surprise you, I didn't realize he was planning this," she said apologetically.
"He wasn't planning this," I told her, "Phil wasn't supposed to be here."
"Did he hurt you?" she asked, looking into my eyes.
"No, Edward stopped him," I answered with a monotone voice.
She led me back into the hotel, and when I saw his cane I tensed and moved away. She tightened her hold and took me to an elevator and then to her room. I sat in a chair and watched my parents come in, with guilty looks on their faces.
Renee ran to my side and hugged me tightly. I wanted to hug her back, but I couldn't. She brought him here, just like she brought him into my life, and I was angry.
"Dad," I said with pleading eyes, "don't let them hurt Edward."
"I'll do what I can, Bella, but this isn't my jurisdiction," he admitted to my broken heart.
He took Esme's arm and they left to save the brave boy who just saved me. I turned to my mother and let my tears fall. "Why didn't you help me?" I asked.
"I didn't know, Phil told me you were a difficult teen and he was helping me with discipline," she cried.
"Why did you believe him?" I asked incredulously.
"Because I already messed up your life by leaving Charlie, I was terrified to do it again. He told me you loved him and wanted him to be your father," she said shaking her head.
"You don't burn people you love, mother."
"You said it was an accident," she accused.
"No I didn't," I screamed, "he did. You never once asked me what happened. You just sent me away."
"To get help, your father suggested the school to help you with your anger."
"Didn't you wonder why I was angry, mom? Didn't you stop to think I was never angry during the summers with dad?"
"I thought you were upset about the divorce, and acting out so Phil would discipline you, so you would know he loved you," she tried to explain, but I pushed her away.
"Loved me, he ruined my life, mother. He took away my childhood and made me terrified to love anyone. I felt dirty and used, and he called me trash," I screamed louder. "Can you imagine being at a school where everyone is so screwed up, and you know you belong there?"
"I didn't know," she cried out again.
"You should have known," I screamed at her, "It was your job to know."
"Honey, please, don't hate me. Please let me fix it," she begged.
"If Edward gets in trouble for this, I will never forgive you," I said and headed out the door.
I found my dad talking with the security guards and several police officers. I walked up and took Charlie's hand. "I'm ready, dad."
He squeezed my hand and told the officer I needed to make a statement. We all entered a small conference room at the hotel and I began my story from the beginning. Charlie was amazing; he never broke down and kept a poker face the entire time. I knew he was dying on the inside, but he was my rock, just like a real father should be.
When I finished the officers left and Esme came into the room. "Charlie, tell me what you are feeling, don't keep it pent up."
"Feeling…um…I'm feeling sick to my stomach, angry as hell, proud of my amazing daughter, and jealous Edward got to do what he did."
I laughed at the ease in which my dad summed it all up and hugged him tightly. Esme reached out and took his hand. "Charlie, Bella is healing and that is why she came forth. She is not the girl who kept it from you, that girl was too afraid to tell you. Don't look at the girl she is now and judge her for past situations."
"Judge her? I would never do that," he insisted.
"Not consciously, but deep down you are going to begin to feel guilty. I want you to think of the guilt as shit, a waste product you produce and don't want to keep carrying around."
I put my hand over my mouth to contain my laughter and Charlie's face looked stunned. Professional, sophisticated Esme, just told me father to think of shit.
"Speaking of shit," I laughed, "Where's Edward."
Esme gave me a reproving glance and told me they decided not to arrest him unless Phil pressed charges. Edward told them Phil had roughly manhandled me and threatened my life, so he was saving me. I would go along with that story.
I walked to the door and opened it to find Edward standing against the wall. He looked ashamed of himself, so I walked over and put my arms around his waist. He hugged me and kissed my head. "I lost it," he admitted.
"Yeah, you did," I agreed.
"He touched you, I wasn't about to let him touch you," he said through clenched teeth.
"I wasn't strong," I admitted. "One look at him and I became instantly weak."
"I need a cigarette," he said with a sigh.
"Oh man, that would be heaven right now," I agreed.
"No, this is heaven right now," he said as he tightened his hold. "I wanted it to be a nice surprise."
"It was a wonderful surprise," I whispered.
I saw a police car pull up front and two officers walked into the lobby. I held on tightly to Edward, refusing to let them drag him from me, if he was what they wanted. They approached Charlie and I watched as my dad blew out a breath of frustration and rub the back of his neck.
He turned to look at me and time stopped. Something bad was coming and I could feel it. "Edward," I said as I grabbed a fist full of his shirt.
"It's okay, Bella," he assured me, and tried to pry my hand away as my father walked toward us.
"Don't let them take him," I begged my dad.
"They don't want Edward," he assured me as he pulled me into his arms. I stared up at his stressed face, trying to imagine what he could possibly need to tell me.
"You're kidding me," Edward said in disgust, understanding something I couldn't, "what a coward."
"Dad?" I asked hesitantly.
"Bella, Phil killed himself. The police went to arrest him and found him dead in the home."
I felt overwhelming relief and was not sorry at all for feeling that way.
"That's good, right?" I asked. "I mean, I don't have to testify now, it's over, and he can't hurt me ever again."
"Yes, Bella, it's over," he said as he hugged me tightly.
I was safe in my father's massive chest when I saw my mom. She was crying hysterically and Esme was trying to comfort her. I didn't understand why she would cry. She should be happy, or at least relieved, unless she didn't believe me.
I pushed away from my father and walked up to my mother and Esme. I was just about to say something really awful when my mom spun around to see me. She grabbed me into her arms and said, "That bastard is dead, thank God, he is out of this world."
It was just what I needed to hear and I melted in tears along with her.
Two days later, I was sitting in the semi-circle again in the session room. Carlisle and Esme stood in front of us as we all hung our heads low, obviously miserable failures when left to deal with the real world on our own.
"I ate like a pig, and lost three pounds," Rosalie admitted first.
"I made three thousand dollars," Jasper said in shame.
"I have all new clothes," Alice chimed in.
"I beat the piss out of someone," Edward said, trying to feel an ounce of remorse.
"I folded like a house of cards when I face my abuser," I said shaking my head.
Emmett stood and threw his arms high into the air as he announced, "I won. I didn't give into temptation once, and even met with a college recruiter, although it was before the allowed date, so keep that quiet."
"Are your balls back to normal?" Jasper asked in jealousy.
"Yes," Emmett and Rosalie answered at the same time, causing us all to laugh.
"Well," Carlisle said, "it seems we have a lot of work ahead of us, let's get started."
After hearing what failures we were I was nervous about seeing Angela. When she walked into the dorm room a huge sigh of relief fell from my lips. She smiled and came over to hug me.
"How was Christmas?" she asked as she looked around nervously.
"Not as good as yours obviously," I said looking directly into her eyes.
She smiled and mouthed to me, "I saw Ben."
"Really? Where?"
"He has a cousin who lives in San Francisco, so he made a little visit," she said raising her eyebrows.
"Like an intimate visit?" I asked quietly.
She nodded and giggled. I was so jealous. I got to see Edward several times and we didn't get any intimate escapades.
"How's the…um…you know…the cutting?" I asked.
"Only one fresh cut," she smiled. "I think that is pretty good, don't you?"
"I think that is amazing," I said and hugged her tightly.
Lauren walked in at that point and I saw she had a huge black eye. "What happened?" Angela and I asked at the same time.
"Nothing," she said hatefully.
"Just tell me if someone hurt you," I demanded.
"I didn't do this to myself," she announced.
"Well, how do we know, maybe you are lying about that," I said and we all began to laugh.
"Go screw your mom's husband," she threw back at me.
"I can't, he's dead," I said bluntly.
Angela looked at me in surprise, but Lauren wasn't going to be softened. "Then go screw that psychopath you want so badly," she sneered.
"I wish," I said with a sigh and Alice and Rose laughed loudly.
"We are going to have to help you two out," Alice said, "Come on girls, let's come up with a plan."
"You are disgusting," Jessica said to Alice.
"Maybe, but I'm satisfied," she laughed.
"It's your fault we had a major booty fail," I said to Alice.
"I know, but he wasn't using them, they don't last forever you know…oh, I guess you don't know," she teased.
Rosalie stepped up and took control. "Okay, Bella, we need information about your cycle, we don't want any mistakes, and what your view of romantic is."
"My view of romantic is not having my crazy roommates plan out my first tryst with my boyfriend," I informed her. "And I am not telling you shit about my cycle."
"Come on, we are trying to help," she insisted.
"No you're not, you are planning to video it," I pushed back.
Rosalie went to refute my argument but suddenly began to laugh, "Emmett would so want to do that."
"Just leave us alone, we'll work it out by ourselves," I said before heading out to find the man I was missing so much.
I somehow knew exactly where to look and walked straight to the music room. He was playing furiously, and forcefully, and I hated to interrupt him. He knew I was standing against the wall and let the music slowly fade instead of just stopping.
"What was all that for?" I asked him.
"Demons," he said and raised his hand for me to come over to him.
"I'm sorry," I offered.
"Don't be," he said softly and moved my hair off of my shoulder before kissing my neck.
"I came to talk to you, but I can't think when you do that," I admitted.
"We get in trouble when we talk; let's spend the semester in silence."
"You seriously don't want to talk to me?" I asked in anger.
He exhaled and let his head drop, "See," he said.
"Fine, I won't talk. And just so you know that includes sex, I will just keep my mouth shut," I said crossing my arms.
He smiled and looked at me with his sexy crooked grin, "You talk during sex?"
"We'll never know, will we?" I said forcefully.
He put his mouth to my ear and asked, "What would you say?"
I turned to face him and scooted up against his side. "I would say stuff like, oh yes, right there, harder, more…"
He swallowed loudly and pushed me away, "You are so cruel."
"Edward," I said honestly, "I do want to talk about it. I mean, it is going to happen and I want to make sure we are doing it for the right reason."
"What is the right reason?" he asked.
I looked at him in frustration and flippantly said, "To see if you are as good as Jake."
His back stiffened and he gave me a warning glance. "That isn't funny, Bella."
"Well, work with me here, open up, talk to me," I said as my head fell.
"I told you I love you, I gave you my mother's ring, I kicked the crap out of a man for touching you, what else do you need to hear?" he asked.
"Will it change your mind about me?" I asked with a quiet voice.
"It will only make me love you more."
"Do we tell Esme and Carlisle?" I asked.
"Hell no," he insisted.
"Why, she asks me all the time?"
"Because I am practically their son now, I don't want them knowing who I'm fu…" his eyes widened and he quickly said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"Maybe you're right, we shouldn't talk all semester," I said shaking my head.
"I was definitely not right," he laughed, and pulled me onto his lap. "Talk dirty to me."
Instead, I kissed him lovingly, and he kept the kiss soft and sweet. It told me everything I needed to know. He loved me and he was allowing me to set the pace. I wanted to spend forever with him, but that was silly to think about at our age. So I decided to concentrate on the next five months instead.
When we got to group that evening, Carlisle handed out our schedules for the semester and I was happy to see I had more classes with Edward. I'm sure he had something to do with it, and I was grateful. He also told us of a Valentine's Day dance and looked directly at me and Edward.
"It would be nice if everyone could attend," he said forcefully.
"Why don't we talk about some goals, specific things we want to accomplish," Esme began.
"I want to go the whole semester without getting into a fight," Edward announced. I was so proud of him for speaking up first. He had changed so much from the sulking boy I met in September.
"I want to work on my self esteem," I said.
"I think you need to work on something else," Alice mumbled.
"Alice wants to work on getting Bella laid," Rosalie said laughing.
"I want to work on that, too," Emmett offered.
"Okay, let's all stop teasing Edward and Bella," Carlisle instructed with his own chuckle.
"Who said anything about Edward?" Jasper asked.
Edward jumped up and pretended to punch Jasper, ruining his first goal. We all laughed and it felt wonderful to tease about our problems. Even though we struggled over Christmas break we were getting healthy and it showed.
"I think I want to get a job," Alice said in seriousness. "I took things, but it bothered me this time. I think if I worked in a mall I would appreciate the things I could buy."
"That is a wonderful goal, Alice. We will work on being around money and items without giving in to temptation."
"I don't know how you can help me, doc," Jasper said as he lowered his head.
"I have a very special treatment plan for you, Jasper," Carlisle said. "You are going to be working with a charitable organization that helps the homeless. You will see firsthand that your choices create victims."
"I'm good, right?" Emmett asked.
"Yes," Carlisle laughed, "But, I have some younger students I want you to help."
Rosalie sat quietly, too afraid to ask about her treatment, so Esme gave her the news, "Rose, you will be volunteering to work with burn victims, to learn beauty comes from the inside."
I tensed and couldn't help the words that spilled from my mouth. "Not all burn victims are beautiful, some deserve it."
"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to allude to anything regarding your situation. Rose will be working with children."
I nodded and refused to meet anyone's gaze.
"Edward will continue with the plan he is already working on, and Bella, you will be assigned to work with a victim's advocacy group."
"Yeah, all the people we screw over will be calling you," Jasper laughed.
"Your free time will be limited this semester and if you are not progressing at the pace we feel necessary it will be even more limited. This is a one year program, so let's remember that," Carlisle said with authority.
I didn't want to remember it, I felt like time was moving too quickly already. I felt Edward's foot bump up against mine and I looked over to see him wink at me. I relaxed and tried not to fall into a funk. We all headed off to dinner together in a group, and Edward took hold of my hand. I squeezed his and smiled.
"Are you sad?" he asked.
I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it softly and said, "Not now."
"You know the dance Carlisle told us about?" he whispered in my ear as I walked in front of him with my tray. I nodded so he continued. "Carlisle and Esme will be out of town that weekend."
I didn't understand what he was telling me and I gave him a blank stare. He glanced around in frustration and leaned in to my ear again, "I will have the house to myself."
I spun around in shock, still not getting his meaning, and said, "You're not living here?"
"No, I thought you knew that?" he said in surprise.
"How would I know that?"
"I didn't tell you?" he asked.
"No, you didn't."
"I have a specific treatment routine of working out and relaxation exercises," he explained.
"There is a gym here," I said in anger.
"Um…a…" he gave me an agonizing look and finally pulled my arm to lead me away from any listening students. "I am working on issues, you know, family things. Carlisle and Esme are parental figures, showing me what a healthy family is like."
He seemed embarrassed and I didn't know why he would want to hide that information. He was so lucky to have people like Carlisle and Esme to be role models, I was a bit jealous, although I had a wonderful father of my own.
"Did I tell you about Jake?" he added, sending me into a full blown hissy fit.
"You don't tell me anything, Edward. Just assume I know nothing and start spilling your guts. Maybe we wouldn't fight so much if you actually confided in me once in awhile."
"I was going to tell you in Arizona, but if you recall, it was a bit hectic down there," he said in anger.
"So, what about Jake?" I asked very loudly.
"I'm going Salmon fishing with him this weekend," he yelled back at me.
"You're going Salmon fishing?" I asked, refusing to believe him.
"Why can't I go Salmon fishing?"
"For the same reason Jake can't play the piano."
He looked at me for a second and then narrowed his eyes, "I get it," he mumbled and headed back to the food line.
"You get what?" I asked running after him.
"You think I am stealing your friend," he said knowingly.
"No I don't," I said in shock.
"You're afraid we will talk about you, compare notes," he chuckled.
"There is nothing to compare," I said adamantly.
"We both kissed you," he pointed out.
I could feel my body shaking with anger. I was so mad and didn't know what to say or how to get back at him. I finally spun around and grabbed a random boy by the shirt and kissed him hard. "Compare that," I yelled and stomped off.
I went to my room, and climbed on my bunk as I tried to keep the tears from coming. I had to find out why I was so mad. It wasn't that Edward was becoming friends with Jake, I thought that was great. It wasn't even that I worried about him living with the Cullens, I thought that was great, too.
I finally had to admit it was my fear of Edward getting better. He wouldn't want me if he was well. He would find out how wonderful he was, and I would just be the garbage Phil left. I began to cry and heard a soft knock in the doorway.
Edward was standing with a tray and waited for me to invite him in. "You have to eat," he said, handing me a plate of food.
I sat up and took the plate. He climbed up next to me and picked up a grape to put it in my mouth. I laid my head on his shoulder and said, "I'm sorry, I'm glad you are going fishing with Jake."
"So, what was all that about?" he asked.
"I don't even know what we were fighting about," I admitted.
"I was trying to tell you I will have the house to myself on Valentine's weekend, and I want you to spend it with me."
I looked at him, finally understanding, and felt my heart speed up. "Oh," I said and tried to swallow.
"That's it, just 'oh'."
I let a weird laugh escape and looked at my lap. "Bella," he said softly, "I don't expect anything, I just want you with me."
"Sorry I kissed that guy," I said in shame.
"He will be thinking about you in the shower, I can guarantee it," Edward said angrily.
"Gross, now you just ruined my whole apology," I shot back.
He laughed and sat the plate behind him on the bed. "Come here," he breathed, and I tilted my head sideways to let him kiss me as he held my jaw in his palm.
"No, no, no," Jessica yelled loudly. "Not this semester."
I climbed off the bunk and got right in her face. "If you breathe a word of this I will stick something of yours in the toilet and not tell you what it was, understand."
Her bottom lip began to quiver and I motioned for Edward to follow me out of the room.
"I'm still telling," she said angrily.
I grabbed the grapes off my plate in Edward's hands and dropped them onto the floor. My foot rose high in the air, reading to crush the juicy fruit, when she finally relented. Edward and I ran laughing from the dorms and knew we were going to have to find someplace else to be alone, or Valentine's weekend was never going to happen.
"Oh, wait," I said to him and ran back to my room. I dug through my drawer, finding the perfect pair of panties, and ran back outside to Edward.
14
I was trying not to laugh as Edward squirmed in his seat uncomfortably. He would frown, and slide down his chair, only to sigh, and slide back up again. He finally stuck his hand down the back of his jeans trying to readjust the silk that was riding up his butt.
"Edward, do you have something you would like to add?" the teacher asked him.
"No," he said angrily.
"I suggest you sit up and pay attention."
He sat up in the seat and turned to glare at my laughing face. I got caught, and the teacher's attention turned to me. "Bella, do you have a comment?"
"Yes, I think Chaucer meant to leave the Canterbury Tales incomplete. It was supposed to be a pilgrimage, in and of itself. I think we are supposed to add our own tales as we make our own journeys in life. Some will be sad, others inspiring, and some will be crude and terribly funny."
I glanced at Edward, and noticed how his folded arms were showing his middle finger prominently displayed, and I laughed loudly.
"That is a very interesting premise," the teacher said, pleased with my response.
"It's bull," Edward offered.
I narrowed my eyes and dared him to disagree with me; he took the dare and made his own case. "Chaucer was put in the king's court during a tumultuous time. His wife also died during those years, he just didn't have to time to finish his work."
"I don't think men ever put off their true passion, they make time to do the things they want, even if it is something ridiculous, or humiliating, or uncomfortable," I tried to say with a straight face.
"Women continually hound men," Edward said quickly. "If he didn't finish his writing, you can bet a woman was keeping him away. They always want proof of love, no matter how consuming it is."
"I don't believe it is proof of love poet's talk about, I think it is more of a need for object lessons, doing means more than just saying."
"What the hell are you two talking about?" Emmett said in confusion.
The class erupted in laughter, and the teacher complimented us both for being so invested in the reading. When the bell rang Edward jumped from his seat and headed straight to the bathroom. I waited outside the door for him to return.
"Here," he said, handing me back the wad of silk.
"You were supposed to wear them all day," I said with force.
"No way, I give up," he said angrily.
"So, you have nothing on?" I asked, trying not to visualize him.
"I have jeans on," he laughed.
"I can't sit next to you all day knowing you are commando," I complained.
He looked around to see if anyone was listening and nodded toward the silk in my hand, "Go put them on."
"Why?" I asked.
"It will turn me on," he smiled.
I looked at my hand and headed into the ladies room. It was crazy to think he was just wearing the exact panties I just put on. It was hot, in a kinky sort of way. When I came out of the restroom Edward was waiting, and pulled out the waistband on the back of my jeans, to see if I had the fuchsia cloth.
"Hey," I yelled, "you promised to model, not me."
We headed to history and sat next to each other at a table for two. I moved my chair closer to his and let my hand rest on his thigh. We were going over questions for a quiz and I moved my hand just slightly up and inward.
He didn't notice at first, and when my little finger lightly brushed the inseam of his jeans right where the legs connected, he jumped.
"Bella," he warned in a whisper out the side of his mouth.
My hand froze and I continued to stare forward. He was breathing in long labored breathes, and pretended to cough as he moved his hips back further in the seat.
I waited for five more minutes before I began moving my hand slowly again. He leaned on one elbow and placed his free hand on top of mine, holding it tightly to his leg.
I looked at him and smiled, but his look sent a shiver down my spine. He was smoldering, and his nostrils flared as he breathed. He licked his lips as his eyes moved to my mouth and then down to my chest. I had to breathe through my mouth to get enough oxygen into my lungs.
He continued to stare at me as he slowly moved my hand under his, upward. I felt my face turn red when I made contact with him, and his eyes closed for a second. I quickly looked around; feeling like the entire class must be staring at me. Nobody was even looking in our direction and I added a little pressure to my hand.
Edward leaned over to pick up a pencil he purposefully dropped and said into my ear, "For God's sake, you're killing me."
"You're the one who didn't wear the panties, after making me lick your armpit," I laughed.
"Don't use the word lick right now," he cautioned.
"I didn't mean to rub you the wrong way. I really suck at history and don't want to look like a jerk by failing."
"I'm breaking up with you," he said in a pained voice.
I laughed, and the students closest to us turned to see what was so funny. Edward stared at his history book and tried his best to ignore me. The quiz discussion continued until there wasn't enough time to actually take the test, so we were released to go to lunch.
Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the cafeteria and to the music room, the one with the beanbag chair. As soon as we were inside the room, he pushed me against the door, and kissed me as he leaned into me.
I was gasping for air as he kissed his way around my neck. He moaned and ran his hands down my body pulling me closer to him. I finally lifted my leg to his waist, so he pulled me off the ground and let me wrap my legs around him.
His hand moved up my shirt and I gasped at the feeling of his hot palm on me. A bell rang and I screamed causing Edward to laugh at me. I pulled my legs back to the ground and tried to calm my racing pulse. He put his hand against the door, and let his head fall with his eyes closed tightly.
"I forgive you," I said with a chuckle.
He growled and ran his hands down his face. "I can't take this anymore," he complained.
"Only five more weeks until Valentine's," I said to comfort him.
"Why don't you just kick me in my balls," he groaned.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to make you suffer, I just can't control myself around you," I admitted.
"I don't want you to think I will be attacking you all the time, but I will pretty much be attacking you all the time."
I stepped forward and put my hand on his cheek, "You don't attack me," I said sweetly.
"I didn't mean to use that word," he said looking into my eyes for a reaction.
"I know."
"I love you, Bella. You can feel free to push me away," he offered.
At that moment someone opened the door carrying a large bass. Edward and I excused ourselves and headed to the cafeteria to eat something quickly. We sat with Rose and Alice and they gave us a funny look.
"Still need assistance?" Alice asked.
"Shut up," I said with a breadstick in my mouth.
"I can tell you how Emmett and I have quickies," Rose offered.
"Every time with Emmett is a quickie," Edward said as he chewed his food.
"That's not true," Rose said in anger.
"Think about it," he continued. "If you are constantly worried about getting caught or fitting it in, how do you expect the guy to give you everything he's got?"
Rose and Alice looked at each other and I could tell they were really thinking about what Edward said. He swallowed and continued tormenting them.
"I'm just saying, if I ever get to be with Bella, I don't want it to be a quickie, or make her keep quiet. I want her to scream all she wants," he said, giving them a sad look.
"It's better than nothing," Alice said in anger.
"Man, I hope Bella doesn't settle for something just 'better than nothing.' I plan on making her forget her own name."
"You're so full of shit," Rosalie said to dismiss him.
"Do you want another bottle of water, love?" he asked me.
I nodded and he stood, but before walking away he pulled my head back and kissed me with his tongue so deep in my throat I almost choked. He pulled back and ran his tongue over my lips before kissing me tenderly.
We all watched him walk away and I couldn't even speak. Rosalie and Alice finally turned to look at me and both girls glared.
Emmett came walking over to the table and said, "Hi, babe," before giving her a quick peck on the mouth. Her eyes flashed with anger and she stood so fast she knocked over her chair.
"What's wrong?" he asked her.
"You are such a Neanderthal," she yelled and walked away. He looked at us in shock and quickly ran after her.
Edward came walking back and Alice grabbed her books. "You are such a prick," she said to him and walked away.
"What did I do?" he tried to say innocently.
I laughed and leaned over to talk seriously to him. "Edward, don't talk to Jake about us," I said. It wasn't that I didn't trust Jake; I wanted Edward all to myself. I wanted him to know me in ways nobody else did and making jokes about us in front of Jake would break my heart.
"I wouldn't do that. I love you, I'm not just trying to get in your pants," he said as he looked into my eyes.
"I just, hear guys, and sometime they can be so disrespectful."
"It goes both ways, I hear the way girls talk, too."
Right then, a girl walked by and said hi to Edward. She was tall and voluptuous, with thick lips and a lot of makeup.
"Who is that?" I asked him, trying so hard not to let my jealousy show.
"She's screwing Ben Johnson," he said nonchalantly.
"What?" I said in shock and spun around to look at the girl. "Since when?"
"Since the school year started. I've walked in on them twice," he said before taking a drink from my water bottle.
"He's with Angela," I protested.
"It's only for show, Tanya is Jewish, Ben's dad is an Aryan nation fucker, or something redneck like that."
I felt tears form in my eyes and I stared with hatred at Ben across the room, eating with Angela. I wanted to tell Angela so badly, but her recovery was at stake. I didn't know what to do and decided I would ask Esme in my next session.
"Are you okay?" Edward asked.
"I want to thank you, Edward," I said adamantly, "For not having sex with me at the school. I love that you want me to spend the weekend with you, that you are making it about us, and not about the sex."
He smiled and looked up at me through his lashes. "I'm not a saint, Bella. I would take you fishing and have you in the woods if I could," he admitted.
"You will have to make do with Jake," I said shaking my head.
"He does have that gorgeous long hair," Edward teased, and I smacked his arm.
The bell rang and I headed to the music room with Edward. I was playing the guitar randomly when Edward reached out and stopped my hand from moving.
"Did you hear me?" he asked.
"Sorry, I'm distracted," I admitted.
"I asked you to play the song you sang at the club, the one Jake calls 'Edward's song.'" He repeated.
"In front of you?" I said nervously.
"Turn around if it helps, I just want to add some piano back up," he pushed.
I actually turned around and began playing a couple of verses before I added the lyrics. Edward never joined in, but I didn't notice until the song was over. I turned to look at him and he stared at me in absolute shock.
"You changed a couple of notes and stretched the hook," he said, as if I didn't know.
"Do you mind if I use it?" I asked him.
I can't add anything to it," he whispered. "That was perfection."
I blushed and shook my head, loving the compliment, but knowing full well he could add a lot to it. He was only feeding my ego and I hated being 'that' girl, the kind that needs reassurance to know if something was good or not.
"We need to stop messing around during this hour. You have some serious talent, Bella. It's not just your voice, a lot of girls can sing, it's your ability to connect to a song. They lyrics you write meld into the notes; they don't overpower them, or move along with them, they become the music."
"I already agreed to sleep with you, lying doesn't help," I said, trying not to let him see me blush. "Why the sudden need to wax poetic?"
He sat quietly looking at his piano. I could tell he was deep in thought, and whatever he was thinking bothered him. I put my guitar down and walked over to sit on the bench next to him.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
His eyes raised and he said softly, "You don't belong here."
"In music class?"
"No, with me."
I expected Edward to get over the attitude he was giving me, but it seemed to linger on. He didn't avoid me, but he seemed to be pulling away. Emse pulled me aside after a couple of days and wanted to talk.
"I know Carlisle has been meeting with you, but I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing," she said.
"I have a couple of things to ask you about," I said with a furrowed brow. I wasn't sure how to bring up Angela's situation. The last thing I wanted to do was get her in trouble, and I wasn't sure if it was any of my business.
"Bella, you have a question?" Esme said to remind me she was waiting.
"If you know something that would hurt someone, should you tell them?" I finally asked.
"The truth is always best; if it hurts them make sure you are there to help them with the pain. Is there something specific you had in mind?"
"I think your advice is good for normal people, but what about students here?" I asked.
"You are all normal people," she said. I wasn't fishing for acknowledgement. I wanted to know if I should consider someone's mental state. I sighed in frustration and she knew exactly where I was heading.
"Bella, students here have a lot of support. If somebody is purposefully hurting another student, we need to know, so we can help them deal with it in a healthy fashion."
"I know….a girl, who likes a guy, who is secretly…spending time…with another girl." I fought my way through the sentence.
Esme took a deep breath and shook her head slightly. "If the boy is sexually involved with these two girls it is important to know if they are using protection. It is a health issue if he doesn't wear a condom, but if you are a friend with this girl, you should tell her."
I nodded and thought about hurting someone as sweet as Angela. Esme leaned over and looked into my eyes. "Anything else?" she smiled.
"Um...yeah…Edward," I blew out a big breath of air, and looked at her with tears in my eyes.
"Honey, we think you are very good for Edward is some ways, and detrimental to him in other ways," she admitted to my stunned face.
I felt the tears spill over my eyes and down my face.
"Bella, Edward is thinking about putting what is good for you above his own wants. That is huge progress. I know it hurts right now, but for someone like Edward to consider anything beyond his own desire is a great step forward."
"I don't think it is mutually exclusive. Why can't I get serious about music and still be his girlfriend?" I said as I played with my hands.
"It is a very delicate balance, we are working with Edward to learn the difference, I'm afraid he will swing like a pendulum in both directions as he learns."
I nodded and kept my head down.
"I want to talk to you about a group outing we will be taking next week," she said, getting my attention. "We are going to take part in a group therapy session to release anger. It gets pretty intense and I want to make sure you are ready."
"Why wouldn't I be ready?" I asked in fear.
"It brings suppressed feelings to the surface, puts you right in the moment, so you can confront those feelings."
I knew what she was talking about. Setting Phil on fire was a desperate attempt to protect myself. It wasn't confronting him. Then when he stood right in front of me I couldn't bring it to the surface, Edward had to intervene.
"If we get there and I don't feel ready, can I back out?"
"Carlisle and I will be there, we will try to make sure you are ready."
"Is Edward ready?" I asked.
She laughed loudly, like I just made the funniest joke in the world. "Edward has no problem bringing his anger to the surface."
I laughed and agreed.
"You can run along," she said patting my knee, "have fun at your work study tonight."
I was heading to the front of the school for my arranged ride when I ran into Edward. He hesitated, like he wasn't sure if he should talk to me or not. He walked up to me, but kept his head down.
"Talking to me outside of class? Won't it ruin my chance for a Grammy?" I said sarcastically.
"I wasn't talking," he pointed out.
"You make me want to scream," I said loudly.
His mouth twitched, like he was going to make a joke, or some double meaning.
"Yeah, speaking of making me scream, are you cancelling Valentine's Day?" I asked in anger.
My ride honked at that moment and I looked over to see a large panel van, with the logo of some outreach group on the side. I let out a loud huff and began walking to the van. Just as I reached the door I turned to look at Edward.
"Tell Jake I said hi."
"I thought I couldn't talk about you," he said, making me mad.
"I doesn't matter anymore, you're both just my friend now anyway."
"I'm trying to be mature here," he yelled at me.
"No you're not, you want to dump me and you don't have the balls to do it," I yelled just as loudly.
"I'm giving you room to make the best out of your life, I'm not being controlling, because I love you so much," he screamed, remaining where he was, but gesturing wildly.
"You don't get it you ass, you can do both. I want to share my music with you, not exclude you, why can't you do that? Why can't you say, 'I love Bella and I like to hear her sing, and hey, maybe I'll compose a song for her.' Why can't it be part of us?"
A man climbed out of the van and came up to my side hesitantly. "Is everything okay, here?"
I looked incredulously at him and waved my arm at the school, "Do you see where you are? Of course everything is not okay."
"Just get in the van," Edward instructed.
"Oh, now you want to be all in?" I screamed in absolute fury. "You can't kiss me anymore, but you can tell me to get my ass in the van?"
"I never told you to get your ass in the van, but now that you mentioned it, get your ass in the van." He was boiling with anger and his jaw tightened in rage.
"Don't tell me what to do, you don't own me." I wasn't aware of a crowd gathering to watch our melt down. The poor man from the center got back in the van and drove away.
"See what you did," I screamed as I pointed at the disappearing van.
Edward's mouth fell open and he grabbed his head in disbelief. "Oh my hell, you get pissed if I don't want to tell you what to do, and then more pissed when I do. What do you want from me, Bella?"
"I want you to act like you used to, when you were normal," I shut my mouth and stomped my foot with frustration. I didn't mean to say normal; I meant to tell him to act natural.
"Normal?" he laughed in anger and yelled even louder. "Wearing your, you know, and getting pretend hand jobs under the desk is normal?"
"I didn't even attempt a hand job, because if I did, there would be nothing pretend about it. And you only lasted one hour in my panties."
"Dude," Emmett yelled, "You lasted an entire hour? You're my God."
We both began looking around at all the laughing faces and wanted to die of humiliation. Edward stuck his hands in his pocket and let his head fall. I realized the van left without me, and I would most likely be in big trouble for missing my work study.
I pushed my way through the taunting crowd and ran into Esme. I gave her just a brief overview of what happened and she drove me to the center where I would be volunteering. Edward would be gone fishing all weekend and she assured me we would discuss it in group on Monday.
I could tell when I walked into the center I had been the topic of conversation. Everyone looked at me like I had a third eye, so I tried to keep my mouth shut and help out as much as I could. I listened in on several calls, and made arrangements to ride along with a girl on Tuesday, to support a young girl testifying in court.
When I got back to the school it was quiet and everyone was already in bed. I changed and brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. I heard Rose and Alice laugh and I tried to ignore them. Then Angela, Jessica, and Lauren joined in, all laughing hysterically.
"What?" I finally yelled.
"Edward has to get in your panties for two hours, so Jessica can sleep," Alice laughed.
"Emmett misunderstood," I said and put my pillow over my face in humiliation.
"Dang, I was planning on giving Edward a try," Rosalie laughed.
"Touch him and I will pour sugar down your throat," I threatened.
"I think you're both disgusting," Jessica said softly.
"Nobody gives a damn about what you think," I yelled unnecessarily.
"You would think after an hour of sex she would be in a better mood," Lauren chimed in.
I jumped down from my bunk and grabbed my pillow, before walking out the door. "Bella, where are you going?" Angela yelled after me.
I had no idea where I was going, but I was not about to stay in that room and let them make fun of Edward, even if I did hate him right now. I tried various doors to the buildings, but nothing was open. I remembered Alice saying they purposely left windows open, so I began trying windows.
I finally found one, and climbed into the biology lab. I found a coat left on a hook and put it over me for warmth. I was just about asleep when I heard the window slide open. I moved against a wall so I wouldn't be seen and watched as Tanya and Ben climbed through the window.
They were quickly going at it, so I reached up and turned on the light. Ben jumped away from her, but Tanya just tilted her head back on the desk and looked at me.
"Wow, you must be exhausted, Ben," I said and then tilted my head to look at Tanya, "I'm willing to bet you live somewhere around San Francisco."
"So?" she said without a hint of curiosity.
"I just think it is smart of Ben to keep his girlfriends contained to a certain geographical region, that's all."
"He's not my boyfriend," she said dryly.
"Well, he is somebody else's, so maybe you should step aside," I suggested.
She finally sat up and turned to face me. I had to admit she was intimidating and I swallowed nervously. "Bella, is it?" she asked me.
I nodded.
"Since you seem to have the only guy who can screw for an hour, I have to take the next best thing, and that is Ben. So unless you plan on letting me have Edward, I suggest you leave us alone."
I chuckled to myself, unable to believe I unknowingly gave Edward the reputation of a lifetime, and we hadn't even gotten close to sex.
"Since you have chosen to use my friend's boyfriend as your personal vibrator, I can't leave you alone. And if you even look at Edward wantonly, sex addiction will be the least of your problems." I crossed my arms and tried to appear threatening.
"You're not going to tell Angela, are you?" Ben asked in a panic.
"Definitely not," I said with wide eyes. "You're going to tell her."
"No, I'm not," he said forcefully.
"Ben, she is a really sweet girl, don't do this to her," I pleaded with him.
"I know, I know, but look at her," he said pointing at Tanya.
I raised my hand in disgust and said, "I'm done, do what you want."
I climbed back out of the window and headed back to my room. Everyone was asleep and I climbed onto the bunk and missed Edward. How did anything ever work out for couples? I was so tired of going back and forth with Edward, but nothing shocked me like the news I received the following morning.
Esme sent for me before breakfast, and I was sure something happened to Edward. I ran to her office in a total panic only to find my mom and dad sitting in her office. "What's wrong?" I asked before even saying hello.
They all laughed and hugged me to put me at ease. "We want to talk to you about something, Bella," my dad began. "I have been spending a lot of time trying to help your mom adjust, and we decided we want to give our marriage a try again."
"You're getting married?" I asked in shock.
"Not right away, but your mom is moving back to Forks."
"Mom," I said in a stunned voice, "you hate Washington."
"I was so young Bella, it wasn't Washington I was running from, it was responsibility," she said with a smile.
I looked at Esme and notice how she watched my every move, looking for….something. "Okay, fine," I said.
"Fine?" Esme pushed.
"I mean it's your life, maybe you can find a realtor to rape me this time," I couldn't believe the words fell from my mouth and I wasn't expecting them, but Esme was.
"Don't hold back," Esme prompted.
I looked at my hurt mother, and my terrified father, and I threw my hands in the air. "Do what you want, I have my own problems," I said as I headed out of the room.
"Bella," Esme said with authority. "You can sure manage to yell at Edward and tell him how you feel. I think your parents deserve the same courtesy."
"When did they ever care how I felt?" I yelled. "Not when they shuffled me back and forth between states, not when I was dressed up and handed a bouquet of flowers and told how lucky I was to get a pedophile for a new dad, and surely not when I set another human being on fire and neither one bothered to ask me why."
"Bella, I was there for you," Dad said with tears in his eyes.
"You sent me here, dad," I pointed out. "I needed you, and you sent me away."
"You can come home right this second," he said quickly.
I shook my head and wiped my tears. "I need this place now; because of you two I need to be here. I love you both, very much. I just don't like you very much right now."
I turned and walked out the door, feeling like I had somehow turned a corner that I wouldn't be able to see for years to come, but deep in my soul, I knew today changed everything for the better.
I was not about to let Edward slip away from me. I was going to fight, and hold on tightly as he maneuvered his way through his treatment. I wasn't going to end up looking back years from now, and wishing I had done things differently.
15
I was so anxious for Edward to show up Monday morning, I grabbed a banana from the cafeteria and waited out front. He rode with Carlisle, and the moment he saw me a big smile came across his face. It did not please me, since spending the weekend with Jake he must have heard something funny about me. I glared at him as he walked towards me.
"I haven't done anything, so wipe that look off your face," he laughed.
"Then stop smiling at me," I said back.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed me so hard he actually leaned me back in his arms. When he pulled me back to an upright position, I huffed in anger.
"What?" he laughed.
"You were mad at me when you left, what changed?"
"I spent a weekend freezing my ass off, wet, bored, and dreaming of you. I'm so happy you aren't just a dream," he said with a sweet smile.
I grabbed his shirt with my fist and pulled him back to my lips and kissed him with everything I had. This time he was the one looking suspicious.
"Okay, spill it," he ordered.
"I decided we aren't going to fight anymore, we aren't going to feel undeserving, and we aren't breaking up, ever."
He laughed hard and said, "How will I recognize you, if you aren't giving me shit all day?"
I opened my mouth to give it to him, but hurried and shut it, making Edward laugh harder. "I get the undeserving thing, and the breaking up thing, but come on, if we don't fight we won't be Bella and Edward," he said as he took my hand in his.
I knew what he meant. We spared constantly, and it kept the relationship fun and full of tension, something sex should be doing.
"Um…I have to tell you something. You are going to owe me big time, for your new reputation," I smiled.
"You mean I'm not just an ass?"
"Apparently you can have sex for an hour, Tanya asked if she could have you," I said with distain.
"What makes you think I can't?" he smirked.
"Prove it," I challenged him.
"Fine," he said looking around, "Where's Tanya?"
I pushed him hard, sending him stumbling back a couple of steps. "I deserve better, I'm breaking up with you," I yelled as I walked away. He ran to catch up with me and seemed relieved to see the smile on my face.
We passed Ben and Angela leaving the cafeteria and I couldn't contain my anger. Ben had no idea how lucky he was to have her, and he didn't appreciate it. "You're looking tired Ben, maybe you should get more sleep," I blurted out.
Angela looked up at his face and Ben glared and pulled her away from me. "He is such a prick," I mumbled to Edward.
"You didn't say anything to him about Tanya, did you?" Edward asked in surprise.
"No, I got to see it first hand, and again, thank you for not screwing me on a desk," I said shaking my head.
Edward walked for a few steps in silence, and I finally turned to look at him accusingly. He only moved his eyes to look from the side at me and smiled widely. "I would love to screw you on a desk," he admitted.
Rose and Emmett walked up to us and I couldn't respond. "Hey there, Robofuck," Emmett said to Edward.
Edward laughed, but didn't try to refute Emmett's comment, so I rolled my eyes at him. I had no idea how I was going to put up with his new rep for the rest of the school year.
"Jessica is so mad at you," Rosalie said to me.
"What else is new, what did I do this time," I sighed.
"Did you mess up her shoes last night?" Rose asked.
"I mess with her shoes every night," I admitted. "She has got to get over her stupid obsessions. Everyone seems to be making progress, but her."
Rosalie laughed and shook her head, "Lauren told her she was the one doing it, but I guess Jess saw you last night, going to her closet."
"I don't get Lauren's lying thing; she would lie even if the truth was better."
"I'm sure she doesn't understand my desire to stick my finger down my throat either," Rosalie admitted.
"You have great fingers, babe," Emmett added.
"Shut up," we both threw at him.
"How was fishing, dude?" he asked Edward, ignoring both me and Rose.
"I don't get it," Edward said in confusion. "What are grocery stores and restaurants for, if not to keep you out of a freezing river in the middle of winter?"
"No, dude, it's about man versus fish, the battle of the species, and overcoming nature," Emmett said with wide eyes and way too much enthusiasm.
"I thought man already won, by polluting all the waterways," Edward laughed.
"I have to take you bear hunting with me. It is such a rush when you stare down the barrel of a gun at a huge bear coming at you."
Edward turned to look at me, like I was his mother, and would refuse to let him play with the psycho kid. I addressed Emmett and said, "Edward is writing music for me, not playing king of the jungle with you."
My eye caught Jasper walking behind Emmett. His head was down and he seemed very troubled. It was odd to see Jasper upset, he usually only had two emotions, calm and calmer.
We naturally followed him into the session room, each one of us nervous about the field trip we were taking for anger therapy. We sat in our chairs waiting for Carlisle and Esme and I noticed how Alice was giving Jasper his space.
Esme stood in front of us first, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, instead of her usual dress suits. She seemed so much younger dressed this way, and I felt sorry for her having to deal with crazy teens.
"Anything we need to talk about before we head out?" she asked.
"Are you aware your house guest has quite the reputation?" Rosalie said, causing both Edward and I to snap our heads around to glare at her.
"Oh?" Esme said turning to Edward.
He chuckled and shook his head as he dropped his eyes.
"It's nothing," I tried to assure her.
"Let me decide if it's nothing," Esme insisted, sending us all into hysterics.
"Dude, you're going to have to tell your figurative mom how you fu…screw," Emmett laughed.
I noticed even Jasper smiled a bit.
"Seriously, Esme, it is a stupid rumor due to a misunderstanding," I offered.
"Edward can keep it up, and working, for an hour," Alice finally said as she shook her head in disbelief.
"Are you taking pharmaceuticals for that purpose," Esme asked him pointedly.
"Oh. My. God," Edward said as he dropped his head in his hands.
"If you are, give some to Emmett," Rosalie demanded. Emmett stared at her in shock, and finally scooted his chair further from her as she just shrugged.
"Jasper?" Esme finally acknowledged his mood.
"I'm fine," he said.
Alice let her eyes dart over to him and then back to Esme, telling her something was not fine.
"Are you feeling ill?" Esme asked him.
He let out a slow breath and finally answered with his southern accent, "My pa got arrested."
Tears formed in Alice's eyes and I wasn't sure if it was sympathy for Jasper, or fear from her own prosecutable actions.
"Honey, come with me, Carlisle will finish with group," Esme said leading Jasper to her office.
Carlisle came into the room and said, "Where were we?"
Emmett opened his mouth, but Edward jumped in first, "We were moving on to a new topic."
"What exactly will we be doing today?" I asked to spare my love more humiliation.
"We are going to a junk yard, where you will each get a car to beat with a bat," Carlisle informed us.
The guys lit up with joy, but Alice stuck out her bottom lip. "I'm not messing up my manicure," she complained.
"Yeah, because those are hard to steal," I laughed.
"No, Bella," she said hatefully, "Some of us are not into violence, and since we are on the subject, don't bring your lighter because a car will explode."
"Get over it, Alice," Rosalie demanded. "The guys will beat the car to death, and we will take a couple of whacks, so unclench."
"Two whacks or four, not one or three," I added making Alice and Rosalie laugh.
"And then we will tell everyone we stripped it for parts and made tons of money," Alice added, making fun of Lauren.
Our minds all turned to Angela and our smiles faded. Joking about cutting with the metal was not funny. I had wondered about something all year and finally found the nerve to ask about it. "Dr. Cullen, we always talk about our roommates, how come the guys don't?"
"Cause ours are douche bags," Emmett said softly.
Carlisle smiled and explained, "Girls are naturally more social then boys; they are hard wired that way. Girls problem solve by talking and comparing with other females, sometimes guys think of it as gossiping. It's not; it is a natural way for girls to work through their thought process with their own issues."
"Huh?" Emmett said, trying to purposefully sound dumb.
"Let me give you an example. If Bella notices some shoes with very high heels Rosalie is wearing, she may discuss it with Alice, saying how uncomfortable they would be or the message they are sending. It isn't about Rosalie; it is about Bella working through in her mind if she could wear heels that high."
"Stay out of my shoes," Rosalie warned and I laughed.
Carlisle continued, "Boys problem solve by doing, wanting to get from point A to point B. It doesn't matter how to get there, it only matters if they get there. For example, a boy hears someone talking about his girlfriend and he wants it to stop. He could speak to the person, he could ignore the person, or he could punch the person. All solve the problem and guys don't see the difference between any of the choices."
"I say punch the person," Edward mumbled.
"It is my job," Carlisle explained, "To get you to choose to ignore the person, and to get the girls to stop comparing themselves to others."
"Your job sucks," Alice laughed.
"Indeed," he said and nodded for us to head out the door. Jasper got into the van and sat next to Alice. He seemed much happier and I realized I truly loved Esme.
"How long does it take to get there?" Rosalie asked.
"About fifteen minutes," Esme informed us.
"Dang, Edward won't have enough time for sex," Emmett laughed with his booming voice.
"You will," Edward threw back at him, making Rosalie fall to the side in laughter.
Edward put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me tenderly. I looked into his green eyes, and wished we were both thirty and living in a house of our own.
When we got to the wrecking yard we were given coveralls and eyes shields. The guys were giddy with anticipation, but the girls hated the outfit and the exercise.
"Okay, listen up." Carlisle called out to us. "We want you to dig deep and bring out any buried anger you have. Let it out as you beat on the car. You can scream and cuss…"
"Cuss?" Emmett asked.
"You cuss all the time," Esme laughed, "Don't act like this is a treat."
"Say whatever is buried inside, you will be amazed how good it is going to feel to let it out," Carlisle added as he handed us each a bat.
We walked over to an area where chairs were set up and several cars were in a line. I assumed we would be assigned a car and all begin at the same time, but instead we were asked to sit and watch each other. I became instantly nervous and could feel myself shutting down a bit.
"Edward will go first, since he has no problem letting the rage out," Esme smiled.
He patted his bat proudly and walked over to the car. "Where should I start?" he asked the group.
"The windshield," Jasper yelled.
Edward held the bat over his head and Carlisle interrupted him. "Edward, what is the windshield going to represent? What makes you so angry you want to hit it?"
"My father," he said quietly.
"Okay, as you hit it, tell him what you want to say, scream at him, get it all out."
Edward stood still for a moment as we watched his breathing become more and more labored. He finally brought the bat down hard as he yelled, "I was just a kid."
The bat quickly rose again, making contact as he screamed, "You should have stopped her."
He was beating furiously on the car hood, and I could feel the tears running down my face as his words began to sink in, "Why didn't you fight for me? I was your son too and you should have tried to save me from her. I deserved a childhood. It wasn't my job to save her."
His anger wasn't about his father, he was angry at his mother. He had the resentment buried so deeply that once it came to the surface, it exploded out of him. He screamed, and cussed, and beat on the car until he fell to his knees in exhaustion.
When the bat rolled from his hands Esme ran over to hug him, and speak softly so only he could hear. He talked to her for a few minutes, and finally nodded and rose from the ground.
He headed towards me with his head down and I jumped from the chair and into his arms. I couldn't explain how much I loved Edward at that moment. He held me tightly and I could feel his entire body shaking. When we sat down I kept his hand securely in mine and I could tell he was emotionally drained.
Rosalie was next and she didn't hesitate at all. She walked up to the car behind us and began striking it furiously. "I don't want to be pretty. I'm smart and funny and talented, why can't you see that. You never see me. You look at me, but you don't see me. I want you to see me, mother, look at meeeee."
"You tell her, Babe," Emmett yelled in encouragement.
"I don't care if I'm fat, I don't care if you think I'm ugly. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care," she said as she finally leaned onto the bat to catch her breath.
Esme ran up and kneeled under Rosalie to speak to her. Both women finally laughed and stood up, walking back to the chairs arm in arm. Emmett pulled Rosalie onto his lap and smiled like it was Christmas.
Alice was next, and she seemed so tiny next to the big SUV she approached. She went right for the side mirrors, hitting them several times before she finally spoke. "I'm right here," she screamed. "I exist and I have feelings. Talk to me, acknowledge me. Ask my opinion."
"Who, Alice?" Carlisle yelled to her.
"Everybody," Alice screamed as she moved to the front bumper.
I looked at Jasper and chuckled. He was right; Alice was trying to be larger than life, trying to get a big world to notice her tiny body. She even chose the biggest vehicle to hit, not making even a dent on the large frame.
She finally moved to the lights and smashed the headlight in one hard blow. Her face lit up and she smiled profusely at us. We all began to cheer her on as she moved from one light to the next, front and back. When she finished we all stood and applauded. She ran and jumped into Jasper's arms, wrapping her legs around him.
"That's my energizer bunny," Jasper said with pride.
Emmett was up, and everyone moved back a bit. He pushed his sleeves up, reveling huge forearms, and the bat looked tiny in his hands. He swung hard and the bat split in half as we all gasped.
"I'm done," he laughed.
Carlisle stood and grabbed a sledge hammer to offer to Emmett. His face responded with pure joy. He took the hammer and swung, shattering the windshield.
"I'm not dumb," he yelled. "I'm not a redneck. I deserve an education because I study hard, why do I have to be a freak to get one? Why do I have to stick needles in my muscles to be worth something? I'm not a freak," he screamed before bringing the hammer down on the roof of the car, and making a huge dent.
His tears were such a contrast to his dimples and large body. Esme walked up slowly, holding her arm out for the hammer, and then held Emmett's face in her hands. He resembled a bear, being tamed by a princess. He finally leaned down and let Esme kiss his cheek before coming back to his chair.
Rosalie grabbed his hand and kissed it softly. "You're not a freak," she said. "You're the wonderful man I love."
And just as quickly Emmett smiled and was over his rage.
Carlisle called out my name and I looked at Edward in fear. He nodded in encouragement, and swatted my butt as I walked away.
I took a new bat in my hands and tried to think of something to say. I felt the familiar numb spread through me and I looked at Carlisle for help.
"Don't think about it, just swing and say whatever comes out," he said with a persuasive smile.
I walked over to the car and held the bat as if I was playing softball, and swung hard. I felt the vibration run through my hands, up my arms, and into my body. The numbness left and something much more powerful took its place.
"You bastard," I screamed. "You coward, I should have been the one that put the bullet in your head. I deserved to be the one to kill you. I hate you, I hate your face, I hate your body, I hate your smell and your touch, and I hate everything about you."
His face bubbled up into my mind as he would hover over me, telling me how much I enjoyed what he was doing to me. I swung at the face only I could see, as I finally found my voice to stand up to him. "I don't enjoy it, I don't deserve it, and I don't want you. You're dead, stay dead, God, make him stay dead!" I screamed into the air.
My pulse was racing and I was not in the wrecking yard, but in my home, smelling the burned flesh. It was so real and I wanted him to dare to touch me, I wanted him to be right in front of me, so I could beat his face to a bloody pulp.
"Bella," Esme said softy, taking the bat from my hand. I was sitting on my knees in the dirt and she sat in front of me. "You won, your still here, and you feel love for Edward. You won, champ," she smiled. Her words filled the places in my soul left empty by the ejection of the anger. I won and I needed to move forward and leave the broken Bella here in the dirt.
We rose, and I stood in front of her as she looked lovingly into my eyes. "Feels good?" she asked.
"Yeah," I laughed through tears, "Feels really good."
I headed back to my seat and Edward stood and held open his arms. I clung to him with the capacity to love so much more, now the anger was gone.
Last to go was Jasper. I couldn't imagine him having rage. It would be more believable to hear he could convince the car to dent itself. He walked up to a small Volkswagen Beetle and tapped it a few times with the bat. We all smiled, until he suddenly let loose with a vengeance. Edward's anger was nothing compared to Jasper's.
"I'm a Whitlock," he yelled loudly. "That should mean something, that used to mean something good. We're nothing but liars and thieves. I want to be something. I want my good name back. I'm a Whitlock," he screamed over and over again.
When he finally dropped the bat Esme ran over to him, and ran her hands up and down his arm as she spoke. You could see him calm with every word she said. I looked at Alice to see she was crying hysterically. Jasper walked leisurely back to her side and held her against his chest.
We all took a deep breath, too exhausted to even speak. Esme looked worn out too, and I couldn't help but wonder what she would say if she took a turn with the bat.
Carlisle spoke softly. "Can you imagine keeping all of that inside of you? It is a huge weight to carry, and now it is gone. Don't let it build up again, stay rid of it and grow from this point."
We all got into the van and traveled back to the school in silence. We were all sitting as couples, leaning on each other for love and support. Nobody spoke until we were seated at the lunch table.
"The Whitlock's were an old southern aristocratic family. I think I want to restore the name, run for office or something," Jasper said.
"Governor Whitlock," Alice beamed.
"Wouldn't that make you still a liar and thief?" Emmett teased.
"Ah, but a respectable one," Jasper laughed.
"Do you ever wonder what would have become of us, if a place like this didn't exist?" I asked the group.
"Two things, dead or in prison," Edward said seriously.
We sat quietly again.
"Edward, talk the Cullens into another movie night," Rosalie suggested. He nodded and ran his fingers across the back of my neck and I actually sighed.
Everyone assumed it was my thoughts causing the sound, but when I looked at Edward his eyes told me he knew what his touch did to me.
"Do you feel up to working on some music?" he asked me, seeing the bell was going to ring soon.
"Sure," I said, wishing he could carry me to the music room so my lead legs wouldn't have to move.
I was shocked when he handed me my guitar, I thought for sure we would just talk. "I want to try something, Bella. Play this song," he placed it in front of me, "like you normally do. Keep it slow and hold the last note in each verse extra long."
I began to play and his fingers moved manically over the keys. I stopped and looked at him. "Don't stop, and don't pay attention to my pace, just keep yours," he instructed.
I tried again, but I was distracted by his playing. He finally rose and grabbed the earphones off the wall and put them over my ears. I could still hear him, but it was easier to concentrate. I turned around to face the opposite direction and played the music on the sheet at my own pace.
I soon noticed what he was doing. His fluid movements rapidly played in support of the notes I was lingering. At the end of each verse we were perfectly synchronized. The complex confusion of fast and slow harmonizing together was amazing and I began to smile.
When we reached the end I pulled off the earphones and laughed. "How did you do that?"
"It came to me when I was fishing. I was watching Jake pull in a Salmon from the stream, the fish was moving so fast and Jake was pulling the line in slowly, it was like a dance or something."
"Do you have any idea how hot you are?" I asked him seriously.
He winked and began playing on the piano again as I stared at him. I couldn't blame his mother for wanting to keep him all to herself, he was so wonderful, and so beautiful, and so…"
"Stop it," he said with a laugh.
"Stop what?" I blushed, wondering how he knew my thoughts.
"Stop trying to seduce me, we're busy," he smiled as he continued to play.
"I am not trying to seduce you, you are so arrogant."
"Do me a favor and add lyrics to that song," he said, going right back to composer mode. I looked at the sheet music and began adding words in my head. The anger exercise was still fresh in my mind and the pain we all felt was spilling onto the page.
I began writing furiously and after several minutes I glanced up to see Edward staring. "Do you have any idea how hot you are?" he said.
"Stop it," I said this time.
"Come here," he smiled.
I wasn't going to make him ask twice. I moved onto the bench so we were facing each other, and he put his arms tenderly around me. "I love you, Bella Swan," he said with a smile.
"I love you, Edward Masen," I announced.
"I didn't cancel Valentine's," he said and then licked his lips as he looked at my mouth.
"I'm glad," I said and leaned in to give him a gentle kiss.
He inhaled through his teeth and closed his eyes, so I pulled his head to my chest and ran my fingers through his hair. "I could spend forever like this," he sighed.
"You're on," I smiled.
The bell rang and we both groaned loudly. "I need a nap," I complained as we walked toward our next class.
"Do you think The Count is busy?" he asked.
"I would love to see what she does in there. I think they should lock her out and make her face…something," I said with disgust.
"Let's do it," he offered.
"Do what, change the locks?"
"No, let's go to your room and make it where she can't get in. We could actually have some alone time without worry of someone walking in on us."
"I thought we were waiting until Valentine's weekend?" I asked him, hoping he wasn't suggesting a quickie on my bunk.
"I didn't say sex, just…you know?" he gave me his sexy look and I could feel my resolve failing.
"I said I need a nap," I pointed out to him.
"We'll nap, afterwards."
"What if Jessica has a meltdown or something? I don't want her jumping off the roof because she can't touch her padded bra a certain number of times."
"She wears a padded bra?" he asked with a curious look.
"Every girl in this school does, except me," I laughed, hoping I could stop him from looking at other girls.
"Tanya doesn't," he said adamantly.
I stopped walking and he continued forward, lost in his own thoughts. I was sure I knew exactly what those thoughts were, and I folded my arms in anger.
He finally turned back to see where I was, a good fifteen feet behind him.
"What?" he asked me.
"How do you know?" I demanded.
"How do I know what?"
"How do you know she doesn't?" I could hear the anger in my voice, and knew he had a limited amount of time in which to give me a suitable answer.
He walked back to me with his head down, kicking himself for opening his mouth, and said quietly, "Let's not do this, Bella."
"Wrong answer," I screamed.
I noticed how his jaw tightened and he gave me his stubborn look, "Drop it; I don't want to fight with you today."
"Have you seen her breasts?" I demanded. "It's a yes or no question."
"Yes," he yelled at me.
"When?" I pushed.
"Bella, you don…."
"When?" I screamed in his face.
"When she climbed into my bed, naked," he screamed back just as loud.