AN: Anyone see Beckett give up in the Freezer in Countdown? I totally wrote that… well, after Andrew Marlowe, but still. I thought the episode was epic. That bomb scene could not have been written any other way for this show. It just screamed "CASTLE" Oh, By the Way, Josh, while very tall and hot, REALLY PISSES ME OFF. I hope he's gone soon….
Anyway, this chapter is where the proverbial shit hits the fan and I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you thought, please. :)
I'll try to get more up soon, I could use some inspiration and encouragement… wink wink
Don't own 'em
When Castle woke up, light was streaming into the windows of his loft. The events of last night flooded back to him as he felt a warm pressure on his shoulder and chest. He smiled and looked down at the sleeping form of Kate Beckett, lying on her side, with her on his shoulder and hand on his chest. He didn't know why but he always knew she would be a cuddler. He could smell the scent of cherries from her hair and he felt a sense of longing wash over him. He longed to wake up like this every day.
He looked at the bedside clock and it read 11:30. He was surprised to say the least, but with the amount of exhaustion that the pair felt, he knew they needed it. Castle felt her stir against him and shift slightly. Her eyes sprung open and she clutched her left side.
"Kate?" He asked "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine." She gasped "I just shouldn't move…. Ever."
Fine. There was that word again. Rage filled him as he rolled away from her to retrieve the pain pills from across the room.
"You're not fine, Beckett." Her name came out as a growl and he handed her the white pills.
"I don't need those, Castle." She held up a hand as she propped herself up against the headboard very gingerly.
"The hell you don't." He replied, "You're going to take them."
"Excuse me?" Her eyebrows, if not attached, would have sky rocketed off of her head.
"You heard me, Beckett."
"Castle, I don't know what's going on with you, but just because I'm being forced to stay here doesn't mean you get to treat me like an infant or an invalid."
He knew he was venturing into dangerous waters and that he should turn back immediately, but the irrational side of his brain won over. He was done with dancing around his emotions. He had been on the verge of exploding for days and she had just lit the fuse.
"So, how am I supposed to treat you, Beckett?" He raged on, standing over her. "Like a woman who nearly got herself killed three times in the last five days?"
"If you think my plan was to get shot, you're an idiot, Castle." She huffed, trying not to raise her voice.
"No, I don't think it was your plan, but you sure didn't fight it much!" He yelled.
He watched a look of shock and hurt cast a shadow over her face.
"What the hell are you talking about, Castle?"
"The diner, Beckett. That's what I'm talking about." He shouted. "Telling me to take care of your Dad? You were giving up! You were just letting yourself die!" He studied her for a second as she said nothing. "What, do you think I wouldn't notice? Wouldn't care? Which one is it, Beckett?... I thought you were a fighter; strong; and you just gave up and put it all on me."
"Castle…" She started.
"No, you don't get to reason with me." He cut her off. "and after all of that, you drag me off and almost get yourself killed twice more! You rip the stitches right out of your side and you lie to me about it."
"Rick, Please." He voice was quiet now and she was looking at her hands.
"You just say you're "Fine." You've said it probably a hundred times and guess what? No one believes you! You try to save everyone…" He lowered his voice. "Everyone but yourself and here I am watching. Did you even think about that? How we would all feel if you actually succeeded in getting yourself killed?"
"That's not—" She tried
"I mean for God's sake, I'm having nightmares because of you, Kate!" He yelled again. "You just die… right there, in my arms, and every time I wake up, just for a second, it's real and I panic."
She looked like a deer-in-headlights in front of him. She felt incredibly guilty sitting there, in his guest bed, being the one that caused him so much pain and turmoil in the past few days. She felt her eyes filling up like they had last night.
She hadn't given much thought to what she had said to him on the dingy floor of the diner. Now that she was thinking about it, she remembered the look on his face. She flashes back to the tear that leaks out of his eye and the ghostly-pale pallor of his face.
"I'm so sorry, Rick." She whispers, staring at her hands.
"Damn it, Kate." He shakes his head at her, "I don't want you to be sorry. I told you that."
"Then what do you want?" She asks looking up at him for the first time in minutes. "Do you want me to beg and plead for forgiveness? Do you want me to tell you how I thought I was going to die? That I was absolutely terrified and I was just facing my fate? That, in that moment, I was glad that it hit me and not you?" She rambles on, ignoring the pain that breathing this way is causing. "Do you want me to tell you that I went after Esposito and Ryan because I value their lives more than my own? That I wish I could have made you stay here because I didn't want you to walk into the trap, too? Do you want me to tell you that every single time we go out into the field I worry about what will happen to Alexis and Martha if I get you killed?"
It's Castle's turn to be dumbfounded. He steps back at her verbal assault, and absorbs all of her words completely. He watches her as she tears up and wipes them away in a fury. He hadn't thought about what it was like from her side. He was blinded by his guilt and selfishness once again.
"What the hell do you want from me, Rick?" she cries.
Before he can start talking again, there is a rap on the door behind him, and he turns to find his mother walking in curiously.
"Everything okay in here, you two?" She asks with trepidation.
"umm…" he starts and turns back to Beckett who is suddenly on her feet. His mouth is dry and he's blinking furiously at his mother once more. His is completely shell-shocked and all the anger has drained from him and he's left with the need to apologize or run away. Before he can do either, he hears Beckett start talking.
"Thank you, Martha." She says, "We were just clearing a few things up, apparently. We're done now, though." She says, dejectedly as she shuffles to the bathroom and closes the door behind her.
"Richard?" His mother asks, expecting an answer of what their yelling match was about, about why Beckett was crying, about why he looked like a fish out of water. Instead, he turns and flees, leaving his mother staring after him and leaving Beckett behind.
Martha looks at her son leaving the room and looks at the closed bathroom door. "When are these two going to get their act together?" She thinks. She sits on the unmade bed and waits. She doesn't want to go downstairs after her stubborn son, so she stays here to take her chances with the detective.
She sits, thinking, for nearly five minutes before rustling and a small crash brings her attention to the bathroom more fully. She decides that she needs to check on the poor girl just to make sure she's okay. She approaches the door and knocks gently.
"Kate, its Martha." She announces, "Are you okay in there?" she waits and listens and hears a gentle sigh.
"You can come in, Martha."
She doesn't know what's waiting for her on the other side so she opens the door and walks through slowly. She finds the detective standing in front of the sink with her son's oxford open slightly. It takes a second, but she realizes that Kate is trying to change her bandage and tape up her ribs by herself.
"Oh, dear, you can't do that on your own." She states, moving to help her.
"Well, I figured I would try." The detective states, dryly. "Not doing too great, though."
She turns, leaning her back against the sink and looks down at Martha. She knows she looks like hell and that her eyes are probably red. She had a few minutes of sitting on the lid of the toilet letting the tears flow before telling herself to steel-up.
"I don't suppose you'd care to help me out, Martha?" She asks, unsure of herself.
"You don't have to ask." The older woman smiles, studying her.
"My, this is quite the sight." Martha states, picking up the supplies in front of her.
She's not wrong; it's an angry red color with bruises surrounding the stitches there. It makes Kate self-conscious and she suddenly wants to pull her(his) shirt tight around her and tell Martha not to worry about it.
"You know, I had a bruise like this once." Martha starts, "I was late for a cue backstage and it was dark; I ran right into one of the lighting rigs that was placed on the floor. I had a cold bruise for months."
The personal story makes Beckett smile and Martha tells her stories of cuts and bruises from life on the road. She doesn't ask about the fight that her son and she just had; she just talks to her like the person that she is, and Kate Beckett couldn't not have been more thankful.
When Martha stopped talking, she realized that she was done.
"Thank you, Martha." Kate smiled, "really for everything you've done for me lately."
"Darling, There isn't much us Castles, or Rogers, wouldn't do for you."
"Yeah, I realize that now…" Kate said, looking down. "and, just so you know, There isn't anything I wouldn't do for your family, Martha."
"I know that, dear."
Kate smiled sadly at Martha. She took a deep breath and knew what she had to do. She had to stop torturing Castle this way. She had to stop putting him in danger. Nikki Heat and the Mayor be damned, Kate Beckett was going to do what was right for the Castle clan… or at least what she thought was right.
"If you'll excuse me, Martha, I'm going to get changed." Kate smiled.
"Of course. I'll see you downstairs." Martha smiled and made her exit.
Kate followed her into the guest room, wincing as she walked. She didn't reach for the duffle bag, instead she grabbed her cell phone and dialed the familiar number.
"Hey Lanie."
Castle flew down his stairs and into his office. He went to the window and paced in front of it. What was he thinking, flying off the handle like that? He didn't tell her the reason he was mad was because he was madly in love with her. He should have led off with that! He should have told her that he was so concerned because he didn't ever want to see the day where the world didn't have Kate Beckett in it. He went about that conversation all wrong, he let his rage consume him, and now they were at war.
He flopped down in his chair and stared at the numerous books he had collected and composed. For a man who made his living off of words, he really sucked with weaving them in the last hour.
He didn't hear his daughter enter his office until she started speaking; and even then he didn't really process what was being said.
"Hey Dad, I'm going to go out with Ash for a little bit ok?"
"hmm? Yeah, sure" He mumbled not looking at her.
"annnddd I'm going to take your Gold Card."
"yeah, okay."
"And I've decided that we're going to run off to the circus and get married."
"Sure, have fun honey. Be back before midnight."
"DAD!" Alexis yelled, walking into his line of sight. "What's going on?"
"Nothing, pumpkin." He gave a weak smile, "It's just been a rough couple of days."
"Does this have anything to do with the screaming match between you and Kate this morning?" She asked, sometimes he wished he didn't have such a smart daughter.
"Honey, I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I just don't." He sighed. "Things between Beckett and me are… complicated at the moment."
"Complicated… as in you're both madly in love with one another and won't admit it?"
"Alexis…" Castle scolded.
"What? I'm not lying." She put her hands up.
A commotion from the living room brought the two of them to see what was going on. They were met by the sight of Martha chasing a duffle-bag-carrying Beckett across the loft.
"Kate, you can't leave." Martha commanded.
"Martha, listen, the case is over." Beckett reasoned. "I appreciate you letting me stay the night, but the case is over, and there is no need for me to intrude on your lives anymore."
"You're… leaving?" Castle asked weakly, stepped out into the open expanse of his loft.
"I think it's best for both of us, Castle." She sighed. "I've already talked to Lanie. She's going to stay with me for a few days until I'm cleared. You don't need to babysit me anymore."
"We're not babysitting you, Kate!" Alexis interjected.
"Alexis, Mother, Can you give us a second?" Castle asked the two women. They nodded and went upstairs.
"Listen, Beckett, I'm sorry if I offended you earlier." He nearly begged, "I know I said some things that weren't fair."
"No, Castle, they were fair and accurate." Kate added, looking him straight in the eyes. "and it's time we face the reality that was just thrown at us."
"What do you mean?"
"You're not a cop, Castle." She stated. "You should have to be dodging bullets, or creating diversions or changing some random cop's bandages. I should have never let this continue and now you're family is in on it."
"Kate, you're not just some "random cop," don't do this."
"We're done, Castle" She told him. "You have enough research to write fifty books. It's time for you to go back to your normal, and I'll stay in mine. It's safer for you."
Before he got the chance to refute any of her arguments, her cell phone rang and she picked up on the first ring.
"Beckett?" She answered, "Yeah, Lanie, I'll be right down."
Castle moved swiftly across the room and stood between her and the door. He put his hands on her upper arms and looked into her face.
"Don't do this, Kate." He pleaded. "Don't Leave Me."
"I'm sorry, Castle." She said shrugging him off. "I'm sorry you ever had to meet me."
She went to move past him to get to the door when he stopped her again, careful not to hurt her.
"Forgive me, Kate."
"I already have, Castle" she replied. "Everything you said was right."
"Not for that." Castle stopped her. "For this…"
He grabbed her face in his hands and placed his lips on hers. The feel was incredible. It was like they were meant for each other; one perfectly in sync with the other. Kate had her hands in between his shoulder blades, holding him gently, and he had his hand behind her neck and one buried in her cherry-scented hair.
Richard Castle wanted this to last forever but the wince and shaky breath from his detective drew him back.
He looked at her with clouded eyes and assessed her face. He could tell she was conflicted and uncomfortable. He could also tell by the flush of her face that she enjoyed the kiss as much as he did.
Beckett sighed again, she needed to keep her focus and steel-up again. He was making this increasingly more difficult on her. She had to save him from her. He was too important to ever put in danger again; even if that danger was being near her.
"Look, Castle…" She started, "I know that you want something more from me and I would love to be the one who gives it to you, but I'm not that person. I'm not the person you created in your head. You view me as Nikki Heat, and I'm not."
"Kate, No." He tried.
"Castle, I'm a danger to you and your family and I won't be responsible for that any longer." She stood up tall. "This is good-bye, Rick, and I don't want the Mayor calling me, nothing will change my mind."
"Beckett… Kate… Don't do this." He was losing control of the situation and he was about to get on his knees and beg but she stopped him.
"Castle, you and I both know this wasn't going to last forever and I'm not waiting for one of us to die to end this partnership because we both know that person will be you; and I can't bare that."
She grabbed her duffle bag gingerly and moved to open the door of the loft.
"Good-bye, Rick" She closed the door, leaned back and let out a sob at the look on his face as she left.
She was down-right sobbing as she reached the outside of Castle's building. She was in pain, it was raining, and her heart hurt more than she ever thought possible. She got into the passenger side of Lanie's car after tossing her bag in the back.
"Oh, Honey," Lanie sighed, placing a gentle hand on her friends shoulder.
"Just drive, Lanie." She hiccuped. "This is the way it has to be."
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