Dear Diary,
I feel like I'm in Lord of the Rings! I'm riding on the back of Rosy, Dolores at our side, and heading off to Little Hangleton (Wherever the stupid place is). I miss London, and being able breath in the smoggy air and use my cockney accent to attract birds (pigeons, not girls).
We are travelling across land, making ground all the time! I am planning how to kill my father. What should I do?
- The simple, old favourite, Avada Kedavra?
- Use Rosy?
- Use Dolores?
- Use both?
- Read him some very depressing emo poetry?
- Turn him into a piece of something-or-other?
- Stab him with a fork?
- Tell him I'm his father and shock him to death?
Decisions, decisions!
Love from, Riddlekins! xXx
P.S I do hope my miserable life doesn't become a movie...
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Dear Diary,
I am here at Little Hangleton! A lot of people seemed to find it weird that I rode into town on a giant basilisk with an ugly little thing called Dolores Umbridge at my side, but I don't think I attracted too much attention to myself.
Everyone here is a muggle, which is disgusting, and made me cry.
I asked a jolly local about the Riddle family, and he pointed to a giant house on top of a hill.
I am rich! Isn't it wonderful?
So the three of us headed up the hill (stopping to admire the poetic view on the way) and knocked on the big door.
A maid answered. She swooned at my great looks (naturally) but asked my why I was wearing make up.
"Because I'm emo." I replied, tear in my eye. I think I might have put her off, because she stepped aside quite sharply. Rosy and Dolores waited outside.
I headed into the dining room. There I saw them - my father and Grandparents.
"I didn't know the circus was in town." Said the old man.
Well, needless to say I was hurt. It's not my fault I could only find red eyeliner instead of black.
"My name...is Tom Marvolo Riddle!" I cried.
There was a pause. Then, the youngest one there (who was as good looking as I) said:
"Oh, cr*p."
"You are here to meet your doom! But first of all - I shall act out the hardships in my life - through theatre!"
I then performed a rather moving piece on my own, using a skull as a prop.
"Oh emo, emo, why for art am I emo?"
I didn't recieve the clap I was hoping for at the end, which made me cry.
"YOU'RE my son!" The handsome one said, sounding mildly disgusted. "I wanted a punk, not an emo!"
"Punks are SO three decades away!" I shouted, "You should be lucky I'm not a chav!"
"I'd rather have a grunger in the family!" he cried.
He had gone too far.
"How dare you prefer middle class, overrated, conceited, ugly, unfashionable guitar playing idiots to me!" I yelled. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
And he died. Needless to say, I was very pleased. I turned to Grandfather.
"You can love me for the emo I am, and live, or hate me and die like him." I said dramatically.
He died.
I turned to Grandmother. "And you?"
She also died. Not before I found out that a charming family called the Gaunts lived down the track. I ought to pay a visit!
What a day it's been! I haven't even written any poetry!
With love from Riddle-kins. xXx
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Dear Diary,
I must start by saying that I am highly disappointed.
I visited the Gaunt house - or should I say, 'hovel'. It was a dump, an eyesore. I started crying.
Rosy and Dolores waited outside again as I burst through the door.
"Mother!" I cried out.
Mother was not there. Instead, there was a strange man with an eyepatch who was playing the fiddle to a group of snakes.
"What on earth are you doing, man!" I demanded tearfully.
"Who are you?" He barked. "What do ye want?"
"I want to see my mother, you stupid Yorkshire man!" I snapped, then burst into tears.
"Ar...ye an emo?"
"Yes."
"Ar."
"Are you a...pirate?"
"AR!"
"Oh, great. Well that's just bloody great! My Dad wanted a grunger and my - who are you?"
"Morfin. You look like that muggle, AR!"
"I know it's a wild guess, but are you my mother's brother?"
"Ar!"
"Lovely. Just lovely."
I burst into more tears.
"Ar...would ye like to take a snake with ye?"
I looked at the pile of snakes. They all smiled at me and told me I was gorgeous, and that they loved emos. "Yes please."
Uncle Morfin gave me a snake and said she was called Nagini.
"Take good care of she. She once helped me sink a ship a mile off Norway!"
I decided to proceed gently. "You've never been on a ship, have you Uncle Morfin?"
There was a pause.
"No. No, I haven't."
"And you haven't lost an eye, have you?"
He took the eye patch off. "No."
"Right. Great."
I thought it was best to destroy the fool's memory, lest he tell a soul that I was here (and, even worse, that he saw me cry). It was also convenient to make him think he killed PaPa. He had a charming ring on which I stole, because I like stealing things. It makes me feel like a tough guy, instead of...an emo.
Rosy and Dolores were very pleased to meet Nagini. They said she was sweet.
Well, now that this sordid business is over, I can return to the orphanage and cause mayhem for the brats I'm forced to live with! I do hope I can send an owl to Minnie...
New line to poem: Why do nice girls live in Scotland?
With love from Riddle-kins xXx
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Dear Diary,
Oh, what a sad day! I feel like crying. And it had started out so well! I had gone back to the orphanage, feeling very macho after all the killing and stealing and illegal use of illegal dark magic and whatnot, and even moreso when all those orphans saw me riding up on Rosy Fluffy Slyther. (They'll be speaking of the bogeyman and bogeysnake for weeks!) But then, that stupid muggle woman in charge of the orphanage somehow mistook Dolores Umbridge for a human! (How she could possibly have done so is beyond me-she must be blind as a bat.) And she said that giant snakes can't have custody of human children, that Dolores Umbridge should stay at the orphanage! Nagini, Umbridge, Rosy and I all shared a good cry (okay, well, Rosy didn't cry-she hissed wrathfully). There should be more snake-faced people in the world, then that stupid muggle woman wouldn't say such things!
Lord Emo Voldemort (How clever and emo I am!)
(Tom Marvolo Riddle)
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Dear Diary,
I have decided to eventually adopt the face of a snake as my own in loving memory of little Dolores. But not yet. It wouldn't go with my eyeliner.
YAY! My braces are finally, finally off! All of a sudden, when I smile, people smile back... until Rosy bites their heads off. (Hey, I should sell a product with that motto... can't think what it could possibly be, though.) Plus, I've grown four inches, so nobody thinks I'm a member of the lollipop guild anymore. And after all of that hard work going on a killing spree, I've got a little more muscular. Maybe I'll finally be POPULAR in school when I start up again! And I'll have friends! And Minnie will notice me! And I'll gather a band of loyal followers who will come to be the most feared wizards on earth, unleashing a reign of terror over great Britain! And I'll get invited to parties!
I can't wait to start school again!
Love,
Mr. Tall, Dark Wizard, and Handsome!
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Dear Diary,
Just an update of my poem since I haven't been able to do anything while I've been in the orphanage. (all the younger brats keep asking me to play jump rope with them. I think some of the public saw me jumping to "Cinderella Dressed in Yellow". How degrading!)
Anyway, here's my poem:
Why do nice girls hate me?"
"Why do nice girls ignore my pain?"
Why do nice girls think I have balance impairments?"
Why do nice girls think I'm weird, And shall I ever grow a beard?"
"Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me? When I walk by, they run up a tree."
Why do nice girls never comb my silky locks?"
Why is it so drafty under my cloak? O why can't I be someone's bloak."
"Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?"
"WHY the dads of nice girls with shotguns?"
'Why do nice girls sometimes put their hair in buns and why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?'
why do nice girls slap me?
And say things thay don't (well probably do) mean?
And why, when I declare my love for them, do they look shocked and then turn green?
Why do nice girls tell Slughorn who they like?
'Why do nice girls die so easily?'
'Why does seeing a giant snake eat make me quesy?
Are the nice girls always in the houses with gits, like the girl who's dating Weasley?
"Why do girls hate my tango moves?"
Why don't nice girls appreciate the Beatles?
Why do nice girls dislike my crude sonnets?
Why do nice girls try to hurt me.
Why do nice girls think it's strange for me to write a diary?
Will I ever use it to possess a girl whose hair is fiery?
Will I ever achieve my evil means?
And why do I look like Skandar Keynes?"
Why do nice girls hate having their bras stolen?
Why do nice girls date mudbloods?
Why are nice girls scared of snakes?
Why do boys not like me spying on their girlfriend?"
Why do nice girls scare me, even though I am destined to be the future Dark Lord?
Why are the nicest girls always hallucinations?
Why do nice girls suggest I work for Hallmark cards?
Why do nice girls have multiple boyfriends?
Why do nice girls go 'SQUEEEE!'?
Why do nice girls hate Greenday?
Why do nice girls only seem intrested when you are to busy for them?
Why do nice girls avoid pregnancy conversations?
Why do nice basilisks have bad taste in names?"
Why do nice basilisks eat their parents?
Why do nice girls prefer goths?
Why do nice girls use spoons instead of forks?
Why do nice girls tease me about my makeup?
Will girls like a rebel better?
Why are nice girls such a pain in the butt?
Why do nice girls live in Scotland?
Beautiful, isn't it?
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Dear Diary,
I said farewell to Mrs Cole (who for some reason though it was necessary to pinch my cheek before I left), and headed to King's Cross with Rosy, Dolores and Nagini.
At platform 9 3/4, I met some of the Slytherin crowd (they said they preferred my blue make up) and...Blessed to the heavens...Minnie! Which is a bit stupid, seeing as she lives in Scotland where Hogwarts is? Why does she need to take the train from London? Surely she should just...travel there?
I don't know...
Anyway, I said hello and she punched me in the stomach by way of greeting. I was touched.
While digging her heel into my foot, she said she's starting a book club this year, and would I like to join. I was ecstatic! So hopefully I'll have something to look forward to...
Rosy wasn't impressed.
With love from Riddle-kins xXx
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Dear Diary,
Dolores is a little under the weather now that she knows she's a half breed chimera-like piece of sludge.
Still, I cannot complain! I went to Minnie's first book club today, and we have to read 'Little women'. Well, it's not necessary, of course! It is my favourite book. I always cry at the end...
I heard that Uncle Morfin has been taken into custody, and that his only repeating words are: 'AR!' and 'Stole my monkey!'
Poor man. I miss him terribly. *sniff*
Still, I have his ring to remember him by.
Papa is being buried today, along with granny and grampy. How sad it is that they had to die! I almost feel mildly responsible...
To cheer myself up, I brought new liquid eyeliner from Hogsmeade. It goes well with my hair.
With love from Riddle-kins. xXx
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Dear Diary,
Turns out Rosy taught little Dolores how to read. And she read my diary. And she saw that I called her, and I quote a half breed chimera-like piece of sludge. Now, she won't speak to me, and she keeps making this nasty 'hem-hem' noise at me every time I walk past. I do hope that this doesn't become a habit. I tried to convince her that I meant it in a nice way, but she won't listen. Also, she said that Dan Radcliffe is better-looking than me, and more emo, whoever he is. I swear, I will hunt him down like a lost TV remote, and destroy him like a toaster with the handle duct-taped down and a strawberry pop tart flaming within it!
Little Women... *sniff*... I used up all of my new eyeliner reading it, because it kept washing off when I cried. I like that Jo girl. She's emo, too.
Love,
Wants-to-be-Laurie.
P.S. Our next book is going to be "Anne of Green Gables!" I suggested "The Babysitter Club" but that didn't go over so great.
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Dear Diary,
I had an interesting chat with Professor Slughorn today. I asked him about these Horcruxes that future self keeps telling me about.
"Professor Slughorn - may I ask, what do you know about Horcruxes?"
"You murder someone, split your soul, and put the piece of soul into an object, which is then known as a horcrux."
Slight pause.
"That was easy."
"I know, I'm a bit stupid giving this stuff away, aren't I?"
Sometimes I wonder if there's alcohol in his crystallized pineapple.
Anyway, much good news - Anne of green gables is finished, and I loved every minute of it, particularly the parts where I cried in the beginning, middle and end.
I told Minnie that I had finished both books and that I'd love to read another. While holding my arm quite painfully behind my back, she said she'd lend me a book about two ranch workers.
"I told the other boys, and now I'm telling you: I'm not reading bloody Brokeback Mountain!" I cried.
Actually, um...she was talking about 'Of mice and men'. Which still sounds a bit dodgy to me?
Rosy and Dolores actually think it's a great idea. They do love mice!
Uncle Morfin has been sentenced to Azkaban FOREVER. I still feel bad somehow.
Still, I must read my new book to make Minnie proud of me!
With love from Riddle-kins. xXx
P.S Dolores is teething. Aw!
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Dear Diary -
Of Mice and Men took longer than expected. I cried all the way through, but especially at the end. Why did they have to kill him? Why?
Anyway, after I stopped crying, I went to see little Nagini to tell her about my story. She looked at me like she was crazy, said she didn't like books, and then - you won't believe this! - she destroyed Minnie's book!
Oh, now Minnie will really be mad!
Yours, tearfully,
Riddle-kins
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