All about Fray The: .com/music/Fray+The My world seemed to be spinning as I walked through the crowded room, trying to move past the dancing guests. I couldn't handle it; the one person that I've loved was.. Rejecting me, and I never was good at rejection. It made my head spin, my heart crumble and my heart move all the way to the floor. "Clare?" Said Emily grabbing my hands in hers. "Honey what's wrong?" My eyes were watering as I looked down at the floor, shaking my head at her; I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to think or see. All I wanted was to curl up into a little ball and lay on my bed with my care bear in a tight embrace. I wanted to dig a hole and stay there until I died. These emotions might be dramatic, but its what I felt deep down inside. I didn't want to feel them.
"Nothing" I whispered to Aunt Emily, my eyes refusing to look into hers for I knew I would burst into tears. "I just want to go home, tell Embry I said congratulations. And I wish I could stay" I said in a voice filled with sorrow. "And I hope he has a good night" She sighed nodding slightly as she rubbed my shoulder gently.
"If you can't stay... Just be safe driving back home, okay?" She asked, her gaze was sympathetic like she knew just what was going on between me and Quil, though through great doubt I knew she wouldn't know what was going on. "Okay" I whispered nodding as I shifted past her sweeping down the stairs, trying to get as far away from here as I could manage, it's not like I could get away from this forever, but for now this would just have to do.
It was 30 minutes into the car ride when I had decided that music would be one thing to calm me down, my hand reached out in front me flicking the device on, allowing the music to waft through the tense environment of the car.
'Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life'
As I heard the lyrics to this song I had to stop the car, I could feel myself breaking with every second that past by. This was the very song me and Quil listened to after I found out my mother died, he had held me in his arms, comforting me the whole time. He told me that day 'I hate seeing you cry Clare Bear' and that night I wasn't even angry at him calling me 'Clare Bear' Like I usually was, it was a comfort for me somehow. All I wanted was to stay in his arms through every hour of that day. I wouldn't see anyone, I wouldn't talk to anyone... All except Quil, he was the one person I would open up too. He was the one person I trusted the most.
Let him know that you know best,Cause after all you do know best,Try to slip past his defence,
Without granting innocence'
My hand inched toward the button to switch it off when I sighed, letting the tears follow freely. It's what I needed, I needed to be able to cry, to let all of the tears out. Before my mum cried she told me to always let the tears out, there was nothing shameful about crying; everyone needs to be able to cry to let their emotions out instead of leaving it bottled up. In times like these (the times I cried) Quil would always be there holding me in his arms, allowing me to soak him if that's what I needed. He never told me to get over it, or to build a bridge and get over it, no he allowed me to cry into his arms. And right now I missed that, I missed him holding me.
I felt like pressing my lips to his, to feel his hair weaved in my hands carelessly. I craved the warmth, I craved the feeling of his presence. I needed his eyes looking into mine, I needed the warmth; I just needed him. I wanted him to be with me. But now, I realise that could never happen. He didn't love me like that, he didn't want me like that. I was just Clare Young, unwanted, ugly, too-smart, Clare Young. The girl that nobody likes, the girl everyone loves to chuck things at. I was just plain and simply me. And I would just have to accept that whether I liked it or not. Words once said went through my head like a disease waiting to spread.
"You're ugly"
"You're unwanted"
"You're a nerd"
"Who could ever love you?"
"What are you waiting for, no one wants you!"
"We hate you"
I couldn't help but cry, letting the side of my face press against the cold windowpane. I looked down at my bare arms, seeing the silvering deep scars that laced my arms. I had done them not too long ago, all because of the pain I was facing. Who was there, who noticed them when nobody else did? It was Quil. Who was always there when Emily or Sam couldn't be? Quil. It was always Quil. And I needed him more than I knew. I seemed to always take him for granted. I knew he didn't have to be there, I knew he didn't have to spend every single spare minute he had on me. But he always did...
I still can't help the love I have for him, it's bubbling up inside of my heart. It's always showing no matter where I am, all I can see is his eyes looking into mine. I can just imagine the feel of his lips against mine. The bliss of his presence.
It lingered every where..
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