I don't even know what's keeping me going on writing.

All I know is that I barely managed to get this out.

Enjoy. While you can.

Read. Review. Roadkill.

"Watch the arm!" Shepard hauled him up by his shoulders and dragged him towards the last escape pod. She glanced behind her and an explosion knocked her off her feet, holding for dear life on the wall.

"Shepard!" Joker could hear himself crying out for her as she pushed the button, his escape pod hurdling away from her…his Commander. The one person who actually understood him.

He could hear her staggered breathing through the radio, listening to her struggle to breathe. Joker couldn't help but feel bad.

"Hey human? You alright?" The turian bartender was staring at him strangely, pouring him his third drink that night. He was barely buzzed.

Joker looked up, out of his memories. His head was swimming, dizziness taking over for a moment.

"No…not really." Joker just shrugged, giving the drink a second glance but instead chose to grab his crutches, placing himself carefully on the ground. His leg still felt extra sore from when Shepard nearly broke his leg when she saved his life.

Joker slowly maneuvered his way out of the bar, crutches still supporting him. Maybe…he will accept that Cerberus offer. He'd get to fly again. He'd get to see Shepard. Hopefully…and maybe she'll be able to see him walk once Cerberus heals his legs. He'd get to walk…

He couldn't wait to see her face. His ego boosted a little at the thought of seeing her proud face as he would limp up to her without the support of crutches.

Okay you're getting ahead of yourself Joker. You don't even know if they even recovered Shepard's body…

Don't go there. Don't imagine her body…don't…have some self control inner mind!

You just did. Idiot. And that wasn't me who imagined the Commander's body. That was you. And you alone. I personally, the smarter side of you, has better constraint of myself.

Screw you…

Joker ran his hands over his face, his arms still leaning heavily against his crutches for support. That's it. He would take the offer. But first…a little sentimentality. He walked on his crutches to his hotel room here on the Citadel for he had been staying here a lot since he'd been grounded from flying.

He passed by the receptionist, giving her a small nod of acknowledgment before using his card on his door, waiting till it opened. With a loud exaggerated sigh Joker walked into his room and sat down on his bed with a creak, tossing his crutches across the room before carefully reaching underneath his bed. He pulled out a small box which looked worse for wear and opened it up, relishing in the smell of dust and pulled out the first thing he saw. Shepard's personal journal. It was written on paper, not holopad and that was the thing that intrigued him.

He vowed never to read it of course but something told him that he had to…so he did. Joker chuckled at his own sense of emotional baggage which was to hoard things that belonged to his…dead commanding officer but it wasn't as bad as Kaidan Alenko's. Kaidan's permanent residence room had posters of the galactic heroes…which was Commander Shepard herself. That had to have killed him inside.

Joker shook his head and opened up the journal, trembling hands caressing the thin paper as he turned each paper, skimming the headlines. One in particular caught his eye. It was from many years ago, possibly when she was a kid.

Journal Entry 13

They still have my trust. Despite recent events…

Casey, John, and I were just walking around our small encampment area where the Tenth Street Reds resided in. But…Finch told me and Casey to go with him. So we did. John could only just stand there and watch as we left him behind. Two other guys were with Finch. He had said it was for our protection…that this is what the cost was. So we did. I had looked up to Finch as a daddy…but…I'm not so sure anymore.

I kinda thought this whole thing would be fun…but Finch said if we continued doing what they told us to do, that'd we'd be able to go out with them on 'patrols'. Even though we're only fourteen, I've always wanted to go on patrols.

Thanks Finch.

-Alania Shepard

Joker reread it over and over again, hoping its contents would change. But it didn't. There was one thing that kept bugging him as well…the name. Alania Shepard. Is this Shepard's sister's journal he was reading? Or her own?

This doesn't make sense.

Nothing makes sense according to you.

Shut up…and help me.

You're asking your other half of your brain to help you figure this out? Simple. When Shepard joined the military, she changed her name.

But why?

Keep reading Dumbass.

Joker snorted. He hated himself sometimes. Now not only would he not get any sleep tonight cause of what he read, but now he's having more and more internal arguments with himself.

"I'm going insane."