Chapter 3 – I Was Only 17

"God DAMN YOU!" Mana screamed at her opponent. She thrust forward the control handles, and the so-called 'Ree-tron' thrust its arms forward, echoing the movements of the other Evangelions surrounding Lilith. After several frantic minutes of fighting, the pilots had been able to force her out of the base onto the fields surrounding the pyramid. But Mari, riding on Unit 00, had been knocked out of the fight. Ever since she had punched out Lilith, gaining some time, Misato had directed the battle against Lilith from the bridge.

"Shinji, Uri, Mana, maximize your AT-Fields!" Misato yelled through the comms, but Mana could barely hear her over the sound of her blood beating through her skull. Mana screamed incoherently, and put all her effort into crushing the little teenage-looking alien that had killed too many goddamn people.

For all her effort, though, Lilith was extraordinarily powerful, standing there in a cage made up of orange octagons. Her face betrayed no anger, no rage, nor even surprise or agitation. By herself, Mana would not have been able to stop her. But with the two other Evas, the cage slowly collapsed inward on Lilith.

As if from a far distance, Mana could hear Shinji screaming at Lilith, "Give her back! Give her back! GIVE! HER! BACK!"

Eventually their combined AT-Fields reached Lilith directly. "Keep going! You're doing it!" Mana thought she heard Misato, but all she could hear was her blood, and her vocal chords straining and straining to convey her hatred. For a fraction of an instant, Mana thought she saw a tremor of sadness pass over Lilith's face. But it disappeared as quickly as it came, and suddenly Lilith began to glow-

There was white.

And it began to fill Mana's vision, but she couldn't close her eyes, she had to keep them open and she had to crush this thing that was going to kill everyone and had killed her friends-

There was white.

And the world began to blur into the color, the other Evas the ground the cockpit melting away as the brightness washed away everything And her throat began to rip and the color reached her and it hurt it hurt more than the grenade Kaji'd thrown more than the surgeries that made her a monster more than anything in her life And Mana couldn't see herself anymore but she felt her flesh peel and the muscles burn away and the bones of her body turn to less than dust turn to nothingness in this color this goddamn color-

There was white.

And there was nothing left to see nothing left to hear nothing left to feel not even her eternal scream of hate or the blood coursing through her brain or the constant pain in her body and this was it no more world no more Mana I am going to die she realized I don't want to die I don't wanttodie Idon'twanttodie Idon'twan'ttodieIdon'twanttodieIdon'twanttodie-

There was white.

For not the first time in her life, Mana cursed the morning sun to eternal darkness and a multitude of hells when it appeared in her window, waking her. Her liver may have been replaced with a sophisticated bio-mechanical filter, but somehow Katsuragi had succeeded in drinking her under the table. Again. Rolling to her left, and accidentally out of bed, Mana continued her curses. 'Huh,' she thought in the back of her mind, 'that IS a pretty view of the solar collectors.'

Mana stumbled her way through the apartment, managing not to knock over or break anything. Peeling off her clothes she stepped into a steaming shower. Leaning her body onto her hands on the wall in front of her, she let the water pound down on her. She took some deep, shuddering breaths, trying to clear her mind of the dream.

Another flashback. She got those every once in a while.

'Been a while, hasn't it? Should have guessed coming back here would trigger something,' she thought as she began to wash herself.

For quite some time, even before she took the commission from the JSSDF, Mana had been to therapists and psychiatrists. "PTSD," they'd say, "presents a facade to mask her true feelings," or "pushes people away before they can hurt her." Assholes. They smiled pretty at her and called her broken. She wasn't some goddamn porcelain figure who would crack under the smallest pressure. And what if it was a facade? She had saved the whole damn world with it, hadn't she? Who were they to tell her how to live her life?

Getting out of the shower, she toweled off and looked at herself in the mirror. She had never broken. No matter the situation she found herself in, she did what she had to do, and her superiors had recognized that fact, and honored her for it. It was she who had turned the nascent JA-P program in the U.S. from a laughingstock money-burner to one of the key components of Army support doctrine. Mana. No one else.

So what if every once in a while she had nightmares about jumping on a grenade when she wasn't even 10, the helplessness she felt as Iruel showed her her real face, or the terror she had felt at Lilith's destruction? So what if she sometimes couldn't sleep at night without a drink or four, or retched at the smell of LCL? It didn't matter in the long run.

Right?

In the mirror she examined her face. Faint age lines had begun to creep around her features, her hair still a light brown. She stared into her reflected eyes, and could make out the faintest traces of circuitry in the iris of her left. Closing them both tightly, her thoughts were broken by an alarm from her computer terminal. Shaking her head quickly, she threw on her uniform and checked to see what was beeping.

When she clicked on the alert, an older black man, in Army uniform, appeared on the screen. Behind him Mana could see the setting sun. She instantly recognized her unofficial patron in the Joint Chiefs, Chief of Staff of the Army Lt. General Nicholas Beck. Out of courtesy, she saluted. He returned it, and smiled warmly. "Good morning, Colonel. How are you doing?"

"Evening, General. And I'm doing OK. Had a party with Commander Katsuragi yesterday evening." Mana scratched the back of her head absently.

Beck nodded his head sagely. He understood. Misato's reputation for her love of drink was widespread, even outside of Nerv.

"So," Mana continued, "this a social call, sir?"

"Not exactly," he let out a breath. "I'm meeting with the Senate sub-committee on Strategic Forces tomorrow, and they are going to grill the hell out of me about why we've stopped all testing for the JA-Ps. I know you've only had a day, but if you could give me anything to tell them..." he trailed off.

"Nerv is willing to help us troubleshoot," Mana answered.

Becker blinked a few times, then let out a short laugh "Well I'll be damned, Mana! I knew you'd get it done but I didn't think it'd happen this fast! I can't wait to wave this in Obadiah's face later!"

"At the moment, all they want is complete access to all specifications and test data for the units. I don't think it'd be much of an assumption as well to think they'll want to keep a permanent team on hand at Trident."

Beck nodded his head at the information. "That sounds reasonable enough to me, but I'll probably have to finagle with Senator Borgo over the week. Let me know the details before you send the agreement over here, and we should be fine." Mana agreed.

"Now that you've got most of this done, when do you think you'll get back? I'd love to have you at my back by the end of next week for the start of the Services Review," Beck asked.

"Actually, sir, I think I'll be here a while," she blurted out.

Beck turned out his lower lip in thought. "Well alright, Kirishima. Do what you need to do. I know I'd like to spend some time back home."

From off screen, Mana could hear a woman's voice tell Beck it was time to leave for dinner at Admiral John's.

"Ah, well, it's time for me to head out, then," he said. "Good luck with the rest of your time in Japan, Colonel!"

Mana clicked off the call, and sat back in the chair. Why had she asked that? She had seen Tokyo-3, the Geofront, even Kaji, so why had she asked to stay longer? Well, Beck had agreed, so Mana decided to take advantage of it. She could use some time in a big city, she felt.

Standing up, she resumed getting ready. She called Athene and let her know to meet her down in the Geofront. As she stepped out of her door, she stopped. She realized she was still breathing hurriedly. 'Guess that dream screwed me up more than I expected,' she thought. Stepping back in, she walked to the liquor cabinet and opened it up. Not as well-stocked as her own, but good enough for today. Misato, for all her Yebisu cans, did have a good taste for alcohol. Taking a steel hip flask, Mana poured in a 15-year old whiskey, and then took a deep pull from the bottle herself. She glanced at a clock – 8 AM. Satisfied she'd be set for the day, Mana left for Nerv.

Getting the 'proper' tour of Nerv was... strange. She hadn't realized it the day before, being set on the meeting first, and then trying to let out some steam afterward. But as she was brought around the base, she had the same feeling as she had had going through Tokyo-3.

Nerv had changed. And Mana felt out of place. Every once in a while when Athene was engrossed in explaining some exciting aspect of the base, Mana would take a drink from her flask.

As she was being led through the windowed hallways that looked over the Eva hangars, she heard a voice behind her call her name. Turning, she saw a man wearing the Nerv pilot's uniform, red in color, and similar to the support crews'.

The first thing she noticed were the lines. The years had etched themselves onto his face, deep gouges on his forehead, his mouth, and his eyes that would have been respectable for a man twice his age. His bearing was strong and upright, though, and she instantly recognized the man from his ash and gold hair.

"Uri?" she said.

He broke out into a wide grin.

"Commander Katsuragi told me you were in the area now. I was hoping I would run into you," he said as he walked up to Mana. "Lieutenant Prideaux," he spoke over Mana's shoulder, "why don't you head to one of the break rooms, I'd like to speak with Colonel Kirishima." Mana turned to Athene, and nodded her head. The young woman nodded, then walked away.

Uriel gestured, and Mana could see that his hands were as weathered as his face. They walked along together. Looking to her left outside the windows, Mana could see far below her the comparatively skeleton crews performing checks on Unit 02. They clambered on scaffolds and metal mesh walkways around the red giant, peering into the armor with equipment. So few, as well, compared to what she remembered.

"I'm glad I caught you before I left," Uri began. Mana turned to face him. "I'm only here to help the standard check up on Zwei, you see," he explained. Heading through a door, they lost sight of the Eva.

"Left for where?" Mana asked.

Uriel continued, "Ah, back to Germany! Annette & I have a farm out near Berlin where we spend most of our time."

"I didn't realize you two had married. Con... congratulations, Uri."

Uriel didn't notice the pause. "Thank you. Kaworu hoped that that we would live in the old manor, considering he decided to give it to us as a wedding present, but instead that is for the more formal gatherings Annette arranges, or family visits." He turned to face Mana. "But what about you? We have greatly missed you!"

Mana resisted the urge to start taking slugs from the flask. "I've been alright. Nothing terribly exciting on my end, I have to admit."

"Nothing exciting? That's not what we've been hearing. I heard you've really whipped the Americans into shape with their mech program – not everyone would have been so successful, I think."

Mana smiled at that. "Thanks. But how is Annette?"

Uriel beamed at her name. "Wonderful! I don't know how she does it, but she somehow keeps me and the boys in line. She makes sure I make all my interviews, my deadlines, everything! That and she still has time to plot. She's incredible, and I have no idea what I would do without her." The two passed into another windowed hallway, this one facing into the hangar for Unit 01. Mana wondered how many damn Nerv people had families now.

"Deadlines?" she asked after a moment.

"Oh, yes! I've begun writing a history of the Angel War, though I'm hoping to rename it in people's minds to 'The War Against Instrumentality.'"

"I hadn't thought of you as much of a writer," Mana said with a small turn in the corner of her mouth.

"Ha! Neither had I, but when I had settled down in Germany, I just had this urge to... get it all down. Without piloting to take up my time, I had to do something, and Annette suggested I write about our experiences."

"Hasn't it been a while since then, though?"

Uriel's mouth turned to a thin line. "As I delved into the creation of Nerv, and Gehirn before it, I ran into the problem of having to explain what had happened before to explain my subject. Before I knew it, I was researching heavily into the surviving records of SEELE. Annette's grandfather Katsuhito was a great help to me in that endeavor before he died. Same with the Keiworu, though I never did get used to having them call me 'uncle Uri'. Those 4 volumes were published, but with very little fanfare. People may like conspiracy theories, but actual conspiracies tend to disconcert them."

They passed into a third hangar, this one occupied by Go-Kun. The hangar seemed so empty to what Mana remembered of the hustle and bustle – crews desperately trying to repair damage before the next Cherubim or Angel attack, working on upgrades, or just making sure the Evas would work.

Mana nodded her head. "But now?"

"Now I can explain what we were trying to do back then. I've already gotten interviews from most of the participants, including the former Commander. You should see my study, it's filled with transcripts and notes I've made."

Mana furrowed her brow, "Wait, you got the Old Bastard to talk?"

Uriel smiled. "Him and his wife. They were actually quite forthcoming when I told them of my project. They've allowed me access to a great number of files and records that should stay classified for the next 40-odd years."

Mana kept her lips tight. "Can you trust them to tell the truth?"

Uriel let out a chuckle, "It's been a while since we were pilots, Mana. I think they've learned what trouble keeping secrets can cause."

Mana stopped walking, and looked out at Go-Kun. Uriel stopped, and looked out as well.

"The base seems a lot quieter than I remember," Mana said.

"I prefer it to the panic we used to deal with," Uriel responded. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to put into words his thoughts. "Mana," he began, "while you're here, I think JA-Tan would love to see you. I'm sure Ikari would as well."

Mana continued to look into the hangar. After a few moments, Uriel wondered if she had heard him.

"Mana-"

"I know," Mana said. Uriel turned his whole body to face her. Mana kept her eyes on the window. Uriel was quiet.

The silence in the hallway was broken by the base P.A., in a masculine voice with slightly accented Japanese,"Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested. Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested."

Mana did not look at Uriel. "Mana," he let out a deep breath, "we've all missed you since you left, you know."

Silence. Uriel reached out towards Mana when she replied, "Well, who says I missed any of you."

Uriel recoiled. Mana hadn't moved an inch, her face unreadable.

"Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested. Will Major Soryu please come to test room A-3? Your presence is requested."

Uriel balled his fists. "I am sorry if I offended you, Colonel," he bit out, "but I must go now." Without another word he walked back the way they had came. Mana continued to stare into the hangar until she heard the door slide close far behind her. Mana screwed her eyes shut, then slammed her fist into the metal wall below the window, embedding it to the knuckle of her fourth finger. She could feel her teeth grinding against each other.

"Fuck!" Mana yelled out. That had not gone like she wanted it to. But the asshole had to mention those two, hadn't he?

Mana looked at her watch – 10:30 AM. She pulled out the hip flask and smiled as she unscrewed it.

It always paid to be prepared.

Mana was in her element. It had taken some searching after she had left Nerv, but she had found herself one of the dive bars for the lower income workers in Tokyo-3. Now that Nerv no longer ruled over the city with an iron fist, its generally upper-middle class population had been filled out by more and more poorer folks, trying to live the dream.

When that failed, they would come to a place like this. Dark enough so you could feel like you were hidden, and drinks cheap enough you didn't feel you were getting ripped off.

Mana sat in a corner booth, watching the rest of the patrons. Inside her an itch burned. Someone had tried to hit on her earlier, but had relented when she had pointed her finger up, then slowly pressed it down perpendicular into the wooden table until she was in knuckle-deep. No one else had bothered her since.

But why was she here? She felt like shit, sure. 'At least I don't have to hear about everybody's happy fuckin' families here,' crossed her mind.

Why had she said that to Uriel? She hadn't planned on it, it had just slipped out. And it had been nice to hear about how Uriel had spent his time. He just had to goddamn talk about those two. Maybe that was why she had left, because no one ever saw her by herself, they always saw her in relation to him, or to that damn machine that paraded around as some kind of key to her unconscious. Maybe because when people looked at her back then they all held off and pitied her, like they had Asuka.

Mana hated their goddamn pity.

She rested the sweating glass of beer on her forehead, and felt the water drip down her forehead and along her nose. She had finished the whiskey early on in the day. The itch had only grown stronger with the drink.

Mana fished out the scrap of paper she had shoved into her jacket before leaving Nerv. On it was an address within the city. Mana glanced at her watch once again – 6:52 PM. She felt it was late enough. She drained her beer and walked out into the evening. Although the climate had slowly begun to return to pre-Impact levels, Japan still felt like a sauna in October.

Walking through town to her destination, Mana could barely recognize the city anymore. She hated it now. She had been so happy to see the place, and now that she had, she hated it. Why the fuck had she said she wanted to stay?

After a fairly short walk, Mana arrived at the apartment complex. She was surprised, it hadn't changed at all. She wondered why he would stick around here, but kicked it out of her mind as she entered the complex, and headed towards the particular door.

708

Mana knocked on the door. She heard a voice from inside yell "Coming!"

Always considerate, he was. Mana smiled darkly at the thought.

After a moment, the door opened, and there he was – Shinji Ikari. Older now, and looking suspiciously similar to his father, but without the beard. He stood there, his mouth gaping as his memory called up images to match with the woman in front of him.

"Mana?" he finally got out. She looked at his hand, resting on the doorframe – no ring. Perfect. Mana slid in front of Shinji, and breathed into his ear as she pushed him inside, "Hello there. Long time no see."

Mana slid the door closed with her foot.