Chapter 4 – If I Only...

Mana stood on the concrete outside the Tokyo-3 International Airport. A few dozen yards away lay the squat beige-colored hangar that held her plane. In the distance in front of her planes and scramjets took off and landed. She adjusted the collar of her stiff JSSDF uniform. Kaji had told her it would be comfortable in time, but Mana wished it was comfortable now. She had received it, and her officer's commission, the week before.

It was such a contrast to her first uniform, thrown at her with an M16 when she was 6.

Mana took a breath. Sure, she had had a rank in NHIS and Nerv before, but in one she had been the legal property of the company, and the other was a courtesy. Now she was an honest-to-God officer, under her own name.

She wondered why she didn't feel more proud about it.

Several months earlier, an officer from the U.S. Army had come to talk with her about their idea – a squadron of Jet Alone Primes. But they needed someone with piloting experience to train the candidates, and that someone was Mana.

Colonel Beck had laid out the details to her after she had said she was interested. Mana would be inducted into the JSSDF, then transferred over to the U.S., where the newly-built Trident Base hosted the first batch. There Mana would train the introductory class of 5 pilots in the surprisingly delicate task of piloting a 35,000 ton steel monster.

Beck had been very considerate. Even beyond his professionalism Mana could see he was a good and kind-hearted man. Taking note of her considerable operational independence while at Nerv, he had explained how in her position, the only person she really answered to was herself. Beck was to be her official face to the rest of the U.S. military. The transfer to the JSSDF was there so that it didn't seem as if Nerv was in the heart of the U.S. army. Some people had never forgotten New Vegas. As deep in she had been that day, Mana could understand it.

A small jet passed overhead, the wake flapping at Mana's uniform. The chain link fence that separated the runways proper from where Mana was rattled in sympathy.

This was it. The first step she would take that was of purely her choosing. No one had forced her into this, no one had sold her into it, no. This was her choice.

And today was the day. Mana had her plane waiting for her, and at her convenience she'd be brought over to the States where, after a period of settling in and briefings, she'd begin her task. It wasn't as if Nerv needed her anymore, either – they'd dealt with the remaining bastard Angels and Cherubim and all their assorted bullshit. They'd saved the damn world.

Mana tightened her grip on the handle of her suitcase, containing the entirety of what she was bringing with her. Everything she would need for the first few days over there – a few pairs of clothes, some books Kaji had given her years before, and the ring on her left hand. Engraved with the Nerv logo, it had been made by Kei, who had explained that it held certain keys to open up backdoors into Nerv, but was required to be on a living pilot for it to work. Mana wondered if she would ever use it, now.

She brushed her hair behind her ear with her left hand and looked up at the sky. It was humid, and the sky was ceilinged with layered gray clouds. Just as Mana was about to begin walking to the hangar, she heard a car slow down and pull up behind her, the distinctive crunching sound of tires dragging small rocks across concrete reaching her ears. The engine shut off, and the door opened with a voice calling Mana's name.

Yep, she knew that voice.

Mana turned, and saw Shinji stumble out of his car, a three year old blue domestic model he had bought himself. He righted himself, leaving the car door open. Another jet took off, and passed over the two, drowning out every other sound for several seconds.

Shinji took a few tentative steps forward.

"Mana."

Mana looked the bo- no, the young man over. He had grown into his body, but he still looked a little lanky to Mana. Specks of black on his cheeks showed that he hadn't shaved in a day or two. Dark half-moons gave his eyes a sunken look. And on his hand a ring just like hers.

"What," she said. Her voice was flat.

Shinji was breathing hard. A car sped past them on the road. Mana wondered what was going through his head. She had always tried to figure it out, figure out what anyone was thinking, really, but she had never gotten it.

Shinji licked his lips, and took a few steps forward. "P...please don't go." His words were small, and Mana had to strain a little to hear them.

Mana stared at him dispassionately. She could almost hear his heart pounding through his chest, and his breathing was fast and erratic. Silence hung over them for several seconds.

"Mana, pl-"

"Why."

Her response sent a shot of confusion into Shinji. "What?"

"Why. Why should I stay here."

He was breathing through his mouth now. "Mana, list-"

"WHY. Why the hell should I stay here. Why should I stay in this bullshit?" Mana's voice began to rise.

Shinji was silent.

"Come on! Give me a reason!" Mana was shouting now. "Where everyone looks at me like I'm broken! Where I can't go two days without someone looking down at me and wanting to fucking help me!" Mana had dropped her suitcase, and was now shouting as loudly as she could, and didn't realize it. She marched towards Shinji with rage in her face until she was up to his face. She expected him to cower, but he kept his ground.

She kept yelling. "I don't need their fucking help, you hear me! I'm doing this for myself, for nobody goddamn else! So give me one good reason, Shinji! One good reason I should stay in this fucking place!"

She stared into his face. He was visibly panting, but said nothing for a few stretched out moments. With a frustrated scream, Mana turned around and headed towards the hangar.

"Because I love you."

Mana stopped. In the distance the screeching sound of jet tires decelerating on the tarmac was heard.

After several seconds, Mana turned around, walked over to Shinji, and punched him in the jaw. He stumbled to his knees, blood pattering to the ground, leaving dark red stains on the light gray concrete.

Mana spoke just above a whisper, "God damn you, you liar. You only loved her."

Shinji coughed in response, spitting out part of a tooth.

Mana turned around, picked up her suitcase, and walked into the hangar. There, she presented her credentials, handed her case over, and boarded the jet. Within a few minutes, they had been cleared for take off, and after some time waiting on the runway, the small jet took off, leaving Tokyo-3 for the United States.

And that was that.

Mana awoke to the sound of birds merrily chirping, the sun shining brightly into the bedroom, and the smell of breakfast in the air. She could have sworn that she heard the sound of flutes. With sleep dissipating, she cursed the world, its Maker, and anyone stupid enough to drink as much as her. 'So, Mana' she thought as she rolled around in the bed, 'when did you become an alcoholic? Was it after getting blown up and turned into a horrifying mockery of humanity? Or after fighting aliens in god-machines and watching people get turned into puddles of tang?'

Mana thought it a sad commentary on her life that she couldn't answer that question.

With a groan Mana sat up, and rubbed at her eyes. On the bed stand to her left was a glass of water and two small white pills. Letting out a snort, Mana snatched the aspirin, and with practiced ease dry swallowed them. They would help with the headache in a little while, but until then Mana just had to grin and bear it.

Cracking her neck, she examined the bottom of her left forearm. Dragging her fingers along it towards her hand, a small compartment near the wrist opened up. Mana blinked her eyes a few times, trying to clear up her still-fuzzy vision. Inside was a small cylindrical container, only half an inch long and the same wide, filled with the cocktail of anti-rejection drugs and serums that kept Mana's body from attacking itself. Where it was it would automatically inject Mana with her required daily dosage, with her only needing to keep in mind to replace it when it got low. She had 10 more in her apartment, enough to last for about a month. She remembered when she had been a mobile drugstore, and gave thanks for the advances that had been made since her teenage years. The container was still over half full, the colorless liquid sloshing back and forth slightly. Satisfied she was set for the next day or two, Mana closed the hatch, sending a slight shiver through her arm, the sealing making it look as if there was nothing there at all.

As she was looking down, Mana realized her shirt was different from yesterday. And she wasn't wearing any pants. She felt herself under the baggy shirt she had on – bra and panties were there. Mana ran her hand through her hair. 'Chalk one more up to him.' She frowned as she realized what must have happened the night before. What a great first impression to make after two decades – showing up drunk at his door and trying to seduce him. At least back then she would have succeeded. She slapped her hand over her face. 'Fuckin' wonderful. 'Mana Kirishima – drunken whore'. That's one way to say hello. 'Hey there! I would say sorry for clocking you last time, but I'd rather if we just had sex to try and fill this terrible hole in me. Sound good?''

She looked around the small bedroom. It hadn't changed very much. A small desk butted against the wall near the bed, and on the opposite wall lay the closet. Mana saw that the glass door to the veranda was the main culprit in letting sunlight in. She cursed the lack of blinds. On the desk was Mana's uniform, obviously washed, with a red towel folded on top. Shaking her head a little, Mana got to her feet. To her help, the room decided to stay where it was. Mana grabbed the stack of clothes and stumbled to the bathroom. As she walked through the living room and past the kitchen, she noticed a note on the dining room table out of the corner of her eye. For a moment, she equivocated between reading that first or getting clean. Mana chose getting clean.

In the shower, Mana fell into an old routine. Peeling off her clothes, she flung the old shirt into the hamper. She hung her clean uniform up, then the towel over that. Pulling the shower curtain closed, she ran the water, testing the heat with her hand. When it was hot enough for her, she stepped in. The steam eased the pressure in her temples. Well, that or the aspirin. Without thinking, she grabbed the soap & shampoo from where they had always been. After a short time she stepped out, dried off, got dressed, and walked out like she had so many times in earlier years. Her head felt much better. The smell of food caused her stomach to gurgle in anticipation.

Looking at the table in front of her, Mana walked up to it and picked up the note she had seen before. The handwriting was small and neat.

'Mana – I made you some breakfast, if you feel hungry, but feel free to help yourself to whatever you'd like. I had to get to work, but I'll only be taking a half day, so I'll be back some time after noon, if you'd like to stay.

-Shinji'

Mana read over it a second time. That was it? He said she could stay, but did he want her to? Why? Mana was certain he must hate her on some level, it was part of the reason she had gone to him the night before – the possibility of some rough hatesex. If he wanted her to stay, did that mean he wanted to talk? Mana looked at the stove top. She removed the lid from the lone frying pan on it, and saw (and smelled) still-warm Canadian bacon and scrambled eggs. Her favorite.

Mana narrowed her eyes. Why had he made her favorite breakfast? If he wanted to talk, what in God's name were they supposed to talk about? Was he going to do the same thing Uri had?

What was Shinji thinking?

That by plying her and playing at niceties he might seem like he'd forgotten why she had left, or forgiven her for how she had? In the back of her mind, Mana wasn't certain that she didn't want that.

Her hand tightened on the skillet. She took it and walked over the to the trash, determined to throw it out and leave. She opened the can, and just as she was about to tip the food in her stomach let out a voice of discontent.

Holding the skillet at an angle, Mana contemplated her actions- 'Revenge – food. Revenge – food. Revenge – aw damn it.'

With a sigh, she righted the skillet, grabbed a plate from the cupboard (she still knew where they were) and dumped the food onto it. Slicing some food with the edge of her fork, she speared some eggs & meat and put it in her mouth. She let out a low growl of appreciation. Though not hot, it was still warm enough to be delicious. 'Damn, he does still know how to make it.' Mana had first fallen in love with the meal when she had first gone to New Vegas. A few weeks into their relationship, Shinji had taken the task upon himself to find and make the meal. A task he had completed with aplomb quite quickly. Mana had always wondered at the time if he had learned it for her, or because he loved learning new recipes.

As she ate, Mana's thoughts again wandered to speculations on her absent host. For one, why did he just happen to have her favorite meal right at hand for her impromptu visit? Had Misato told him she was in Tokyo-3? Had Shinji been expecting her? If so, why? Mana's brow knit as as she chewed and thought. After a few bites she got up and poured herself a glass of orange juice from the container in the refrigerator. All these questions were making her thirsty. Well, those and the salt on the eggs.

Finishing the meal quickly, she took the dishes and placed them in the sink. As she sat down at the table, trying to figure out what to do, realization set in and she slapped her forehead. Running back into the bedroom, she saw her cellphone. Opening it up she let out a sigh. 16 new voice mails. 14 from Athene, 1 from Misato, and 1 unknown number. Crap.

She quickly ran through the messages. Athene was just wondering where Mana was – just wondering if she was coming by Nerv today – just wondering if you're alright, Colonel – just letting you know that Commander Katsuragi's wondering where you are as well. Misato's message was short – "Hope you're not too hungover, Mana!" Mana could hear the smirk in her voice. "If you could come by at some point before 5, that would be great! I've got a nice little contract up here, and I think it'd be a good idea for you to look over it before we send it off. Later then!" The last was just the sounds of someone walking through some kind of crowd for a minute and a half. A miscall.

Mana let out a sigh of relief. She could make that. She sent a message to Misato letting her know she would be there in the afternoon. Checking the clock she saw the time – 11:04 AM. If she wanted to wait for Shinji she had over an hour to waste in the apartment they had once shared. She decided that she would stay. She would apologize for her actions the night before, wish Shinji well, and then be off. She would deal with it, and then be done. She nodded her head as the plan came together. "That's what I'll do" she said out loud. Perfect. She sat down at the table. A snag quickly appeared – 'What am I going to do for an hour here?'

Mana felt she could occupy herself at the table. She played with spinning some coins on the tabletop, trying to play the bass line to some of her favorite songs by tapping her fingers on the table, seeing how fast she could poke a pen between her splayed fingers on the table, and other diversions. After five minutes, she was out of ideas.

Getting out of her seat, Mana walked around the living room. The furniture in it had changed since she had last seen in – the TV was a newer model, and the leather couch was new to her as well, though obviously lived-in. She smiled, it had been Misato's old alcohol-soaked couch that she and Shinji had first replaced when Misato had moved in with Kaji in their new place.

Mana wandered through the apartment. The bed was in the same condition she had left it in. She wondered if maybe she should make the bed, but decided to say screw it instead. She turned around, and remembered something.

Mana stood in front of the door. A long time ago, it had been the bedroom of Asuka Langley Sohryu. But ever since her death, it had lain empty. Ostensibly a guest bedroom, Mana never knew of a time someone had slept in the room while she had been there. She slid the door open.

Neat. That was the first word that came into Mana's head when she saw the room. The bed was made, everything was dusted, and the shades were drawn halfway. The room looked ready to be lived in, but Mana could never conceive of someone sleeping here. She guessed Shinji had the same idea. Silently closing the door, Mana turned around, and stared at the door across the hall from her.

The storage room. Where it had all started to fall apart. What had set her off? She remembered. The photo album. All those pictures of Asuka and Shinji. That was when she realized he had been using her. Mana found herself checking her time. She had a little bit left. Her feet began making steps towards the door. She would go in, and find it again, and it would still hold the pictures that had made her rage, had hurt her more than anyone else had. And all the old animosity would boil back up, and she would storm out of the apartment, and she would never see Shinji again. And then she could live in the States and be certain that she had never acted unjustly, that she had done the right thing in running.

Mana held her hand on the door. All it would take is one little jerk and it would slide open. She had plenty of time to - No.

Mana thonked her head against the frame. Her stomach felt sick. She felt sick. Sick and tired. For a second she wondered if the hangover had come back, but realized that was wrong.

Sighing, Mana walked back to the kitchen, sat down, rested her head on her crossed arms, and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, she hit her fists against the table. She got to her feet, then strode through the apartment, grabbing her last few things.

As she got to the front door, it opened before her. She and the person opening the door let out yelps as they nearly ran into each other. Both looked up and realized who was on each side. And then Shinji and Mana tried to talk at the same time.

"Oh! Hi there-" "Hey, Mana-" Shinji looked over Mana, then back to her eyes. "-were you heading out?-" "-Uhm, I was just-" "-Oh no, it's okay! I-" "-just gonna walk around a bit-" "-just finished my lesson-" "-and come right back-" "-I thought it'd get out earlier-" "-and we could talk." "-and I was hoping we could talk."

Both stopped. Mana resisted the urge to take in a deep breath and try and explain. Instead she looked over Shinji – easier in the day, with the sunlight coming down from the open ceiling of the apartment complex. Her impression last night had been right. Shinji had filled in from the lanky young man she had known, and now looked like a softer-faced version of his father. His simple, dark-blue suit fit well on his shoulders, and he was carrying a cello case.

As she looked at his face, he let out a nervous laugh. "Sooo, mind if I get in the door?" Mana stood for a moment, then replied. "Yes! Sorry." Mana moved back into the apartment, and quickly sat down at the table. She could hear Shinji pull off his shoes, and then he came in. "Let me just put this away," he hoisted the case, "and I'll be right there," he said.

Mana realized she ought to have offered to take the case in, but it was too late to do anything about it. After a few more moments, Shinji came out of the main bedroom, sans coat and tie, and walked towards the table. Mana wondered if she should've waited until he got there to sit, but again realized it was too late to do anything.

Shinji sat down across the corner of the table from Mana, and put his forearms on the top. Mana sat with her back straight, and her arms crossed on her lap. Neither said anything.

Mana was about to start when Shinji began. "It's... it's good to see you, Mana." Mana's hands fidgeted under the table. "Thanks," she replied, "It's interesting being back in Tokyo-3." The words hung in the air.

"So, I just want to say..." Mana started, and Shinji's hands tightened slightly, "...thanks for the breakfast this morning. Er, lunch. Brunch? Brunch." Damn. Not what she had been planning on saying.

Shinji looked at a loss. Not what he had been expecting, either. "Uhm, not a problem! Every once in a while I make that, I thought it was lucky you arrived when you did, I could make you your old favorite. If it still is?"

Mana shifted in her chair. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm still a fan." She was beginning to hate sitting there.

"Ah, so, how have you been?" Shinji said, unbuttoning his shirt cuffs.

"Alright. Nothing very exciting, though. What were you up to?"

"I was giving a cello lesson to one of my students. She's in one of the university's student string quartets. She's very good, I don't know why she still comes to me." He smiled at the self-deprecation.

"Oh. So you still play?"

He grinned. "Every now and again. The Tokyo-3 Orchestra lets me play with them every once in a while, and I teach it at the university. Apparently some people like it."

Mana looked at his hands. "That's good. I, uh, I remember you putting a lot of time into it. I'm glad it paid off."

"Well, I wasn't really doing it so it would pay off for me, I just like how the music sounds."

"Right. Sorry," she said.

"It's alright."

Quiet. The two looked anywhere but at each other. Outside on the street a car horn could be heard. Mana closed her eyes. They were both dancing around. Around what? Around everything, really. And she hated it, she hated feeling like this was the only way she could talk to someone.

Mana turned to face Shinji, who had an intense interest in how his hands lay on the table. "Shinji," she said, and he turned to face her. Mana took a deep breath. 'Time to go out on a limb.'

"I'm sorry about last night. I don't quite remember what I did, but my drunken condition is no excuse for any inappropriate actions I did. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry for impugning on you like I did." Mana closed her eyes. She kept her breathing through her nose.

"Mana, it's- it's alright. I forgive you." Mana opened her eyes and looked at Shinji. He continued, "I'm not sure why you got so drunk, but I do remember some times when we were younger when I did the same." Mana wondered why he didn't mention any of the times she did as well. "I'm just glad I got to see you while you were here. I was really hoping we might catch up. It's been a while and, y'know, I've missed your company."

There. The smallest acknowledgment that the woman he had once proclaimed his love to had been gone for almost two decades. At least it was something.

Mana absently drummed her finger on the table. "Well, uhm. What do you want to know?"

Shinji let out his breath. "Well, I'm sure you're up to something important over in the U.S."

Mana let out a hard breath that could've been a laugh. "Really, Shinji? You know, people over there seem to think I run this crazy training camp that might have come out of 'Full Metal Jacket', but really, I don't do too much anymore. Even in the early years, I mostly made sure that nobody blew themselves or anybody else up. Now one of the older pilots is in official charge, and I just let him know what I think about his choices."

"Well, why do people think of you like that then?"

"Ehh, I may have whipped it all into shape after I got there." Shinji's eyes showed interest. "It was pretty sad when I arrived – they only had virtual trainer pods, and the base they're in now was almost given to Strategic Air Command."

"And you changed that?"

"I changed that."

They talked. He asked, she answered, then she asked, and he answered. For several hours they exchanged stories about their lives, digging up the funniest, the most courageous, the most how-can-Administration-be-this-stupid? And while they talked of their lives apart, above their heads the unsaid shared past lay. But it laid dormant.

Shinji explained his position. He was technically an adjunct professor at Tokyo-3's National University, teaching cello. On occasion, he performed with some of the orchestras in the area, and even in other cities, including several times at his parents' alma mater of Kyoto University. Because of his Nerv pension, he had no want for cash, though he admitted he never really knew what he could possibly spend it on. So, he explained, he got a lot of gifts for Kei's children, Uriel's, and Hikari's as well. Coincidentally, he was beloved of all the children.

Mana laughed at that. She looked at her watch – about 4 PM. She realized she had to get down to Nerv to sign off on the contract.

"Shinji, I'm sorry, but I really need to go. Misato needs my approval before she sends something off to the U.S."

"Sure, that's alright." Mana started getting up, and he walked her to the door. They stood looking at the door as it opened.

"Say, Mana," Shinji started. She turned to him. "In two days, it'll be 20 years since... since Lilith."

Mana didn't say anything, so Shinji went on. "I'll be heading down to the cemetery to put some flowers by the graves. You'd... You're very welcome to come along. I know Hikari will be there."

Mana licked her lips.

"Sure," she said. Shinji looked like a great load was lifted from his back. "When will you be there?"

"We usually get there around 5 PM."

Mana nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I'll be there." She looked at her watch. "Ok, now I really need to run." She turned to him. "Shinji... it was good talking to you."

Shinji smiled. "It was good talking to you too. I'll see you later then!"

Mana ran off. But she had a small, triumphant smile on her. It hadn't fallen apart, they had been able to talk to each other. She still wasn't sure what was happening in Shinji's head, but after talking with him for that long, she felt less guarded about the whole enterprise.

Maybe she could take something away from this trip.