Chapter 9 – Surprise, Sometimes
The first few days back in the United States were a blur for Mana. Between meeting various military men and politicos and apprising them of the current state of the JA-P³ program and the agreement with Nerv (which was duly approved by the Senate sub-committee), she had barely enough time to herself to eat. But eventually she was able to make time to see the Becks at their home outside D.C.
The sun had already set by the time Mana arrived at the house, set in one of the many suburban neighborhoods filled with various government officials and their families that surrounded the capital. Beck's house was unassuming; low-set, and somewhat small in comparison to what other generals or even colonels had. Mana knocked at the door twice. She could hear the voices of Nick and Lara yell at each other behind the door. Without being able to make out the exact words, she knew Lara was telling Nick to get off your sorry ass and open that door or are you going to make your poor wife who gave you five children and is making your supper!
The door opened from the inside, and Mana was greeted by Beck with a wide grin. "Mana, my dear girl, come in, come in!" he ushered her inside and said, "It's been too long since we saw you last."
Mana smiled back at him, "It's only been three months, you know." Nick opened his mouth to respond that's still too long, you know but Mana cut him off. "It's good to see you too, Nick." She then yelled into the home, "Hello Lara!"
"Hello Mana!" came the response, followed by the woman. Lara Beck, coming into her 60's, had come into her role as Southern matron; she was small, shorter than Mana and certainly Nick, but her will was indomitable. She had once been beautiful, as a few photos around the house testified to, but those early good looks had been subsumed by time, stress, and children. But, to hear Beck tell the story, it had always been her heart, open and generous as it was, that had been what drew him to her. After some prodding however he would admit that Lara having amazing breasts when she was younger may have had an effect on him. But only a little.
Lara kissed both of Mana's cheeks. "You look gorgeous, Mana. Thank you for coming to dinner."
"Thanks, Lara," Mana said.
"Want to help me with the chicken in the oven? I could use another pair of hands in the kitchen." Lara asked, the same way she always asked if Mana wanted to help her with cooking. It was her way of trying to relate her domestic sphere to Mana.
"Not unless you want me to burn water, and I'm pretty sure you two like this house," Mana said.
Lara nodded her head, "Ahh, so you're about as good as my husband here." Mana laughed at that as Nick walked off grumbling. Lara nodded her head after him. "Go on, I'll let you know when it's ready," she said.
Mana followed through the door Nick had taken. She knew where he was headed – it was his habit to spend time in his study before dinner. As Mana walked through the halls she barely registered the objects around her – pictures of relatives, paintings of landscapes (mostly long-underwater neoclassical plantations), and a few pre-Impact objets d'art.
For several years Mana failed to understand why the Becks had kept such reminders of an age, one as far-gone to her generation as the Victorian. She had eventually asked Lara that question one night. Lara had smiled gently, and given her answer.
'You can't grow up without a past.'
Mana opened the heavy wooden door to Nick's study. He was standing in front of his bookshelf, rearranging the order. Mana quietly took a seat in a beautifully comfy chair and watched him work for a minute or two.
"So," she said, "what's the system this time?"
Beck continued to reshelf from a stack of books next to him. The titles were mostly memoirs and analyses of military strategies. "Well," he said, "I'm going back to the Library of Congress."
"I could have sworn you said once that the Library was for people who were too afraid to experiment."
Nick sighed, then put another title on – Rousseau & Revolution. "You're very correct, Mana. I did say that."
Mana smiled at Nick's back. "And then you went on to say that a good library must be searchable, or it's only a two-dimensional heap."
"Even more correct," Nick replied. Mana could hear a tone of avuncular irritation.
"So what happened?" Mana asked.
Nick turned around, with a study on the Battle of Midway in his hand. "Colon classification may be fit for artificial sapients, but I am but weak flesh!"
He stood, posing with his finger pointing at the ceiling, as Mana stared blankly.
"So you couldn't remember it all," she said.
"I couldn't remember anything!" he replied. "I would be looking for that biography of Colbert I told you about a few months back, and then I'd be standing in front of the shelf with this completely unintelligible string of numbers and colons just thinking Why, God Almighty, did I think I could use this?"
Both laughed at that. Nick put the book down on the shelf and sat on the chair next to Mana.
"Lara thinks you don't come by often enough," he said.
"Hey! I saw you both only what, three months ago?"
Nick patted her hand, "Lara just spoke to her grandchildren a week ago, and thinks it's been too long since she heard their voices, you need to understand."
"How are the kids, anyway?" Mana asked.
"They're growing into fine young boys and girls. And quickly, too. Faster than their parents, at least." Nick looked off at the far wall, and she followed his gaze. Along the wall were pictures of Nick and various other people, some in uniform. One picture caught Mana's eye – Nick, Lara, and their second daughter Emily (herself a little older than Mana) as tourists at the World Trade Center. She wondered when it had been taken.
She turned to Nick, who was still reminiscing. "Don't get all quiet on me, Nick. You're not that much of an old man just yet!" She smiled, expecting him to follow suit. But he stayed silent. Mana's smile faded.
"Is," she ventured, "is something wrong, Nick?"
Nick turned to Mana. "I think I'm going to retire next year, Mana."
The words washed over Mana at first, and she took a few seconds to comprehend them. "Wait, what? When did this happen?" she said as she shifted in her seat to lean closer to Nick.
"Me'n Lara have been talking it over for the past few months. She wants to go back down to Jefferson, so we can see our grandchildren grow up."
"And what about you?" Mana asked.
"I've gotten tired, Mana. And doing the Service Report proved it to me." He looked back at the wall, with its framed & folded American flag. "I've given so much to this country. Now by God I am proud of it, and I had friends who gave even more. But I'm not the same young man I was during the Impact Wars." He leaned back in his chair. "I missed my son's wedding because I had to take command of Trident Base after our old friend Scott's fine showing after New Vegas." Nick sighed. "Lara's right. I missed out on seeing my own children grow up."
Mana kept quiet.
"My only consolation," Nick continued, "is that they don't see it the same way. They are far more forgiving of me than they ought to be."
They sat quietly.
"So," Mana said, "back to Mississippi."
Nick chuckled. "It seems like. Donald, you remember him, don't you? well he and his wife are set down there. It's been so long since I left I can only imagine it's a completely different place."
"Hopefully the people stayed the same," she said.
"Or at least changed for the better. How did you find going back home?"
Mana bit the inside of her cheek. "I... don't really know. I haven't really had time to think about it since I got back. I've just been running around everywhere."
"Haven't been able to? Or do you not want to think about it?"
Mana stopped her thoughts.
One of the axioms underlying Mana's behavior was this: That which cannot be adequately expressed is to be passed over in silence.
Others included -
Loyalty given is loyalty earned.
and
All relationships are relationships of exchange.
and also
Do not talk about or mention religion in any way.
Corollary: Unless you want Lisa Frederickson to invite you to her Women's Bible Group, where a bunch of women her age would rather interrogate every facet of your existence, focusing mainly on the fact that you're half their age and still unmarried a good girl such as yourself well that's just not fair than talk about religion, while you sit there awkwardly wondering how you can be such an idiot, in which case, talk about your ambivalency with God all you'd like. No, really. Go ahead.
Nicholas Beck was one of the few people who could force Mana to bend that first principle.
"What if I said it was the second?" she asked.
He looked at her eyes. "Well then I'd ask you what's got you scared. Because I know, and more importantly you know, that you hate it when you think you might be wrong."
Mana kept focused on Nick. "What do you do if you've been wrong for years? When your mistake was so long ago you don't even remember why you did it in the first place?"
Nick patted her hand again. "You try to do the right thing where you are."
Mana was going to say something further, but they were interrupted by the voice of Lara calling out, telling them dinner was ready.
Like all the meals she had at the Beck household, this one was delicious. Lara told her about some of the choice social events (and their attendant faux-pas), and Mana had to laugh at how she told the stories. Mana talked about the authors she had read since they had last met, and Lara gave her some recommendations. But the evening came closer to an end, and Mana had to leave for Trident the next day.
Nick escorted her outside the house towards her car. The ground was damp, and the world around them was quiet. The two reached Mana's small car and faced each other.
"It's always a pleasure having your company, Mana," Beck said.
"Thanks, Nick," she replied. The smell of wet grass filled the air.
Just as she was about to open the door, Beck spoke.
"Mana," he said as she turned her head back to him, "my wife may be right about most things, but she missed one." Mana tilted her head, confused. "I," Beck went on, "did not miss out on seeing all of my kids grow up."
Mana straightened her back and turned around.
"I've seen you grow as a woman and an officer over the years. No matter what you may beat yourself up over, know that I have never had but the utmost pride in you."
"You see me as... a daughter?" Mana said, trying to control her voice, "Why... why didn't you say anything before?"
He smiled. "Well, now that I'm... officially old, I don't believe you're allowed to hit me for being sentimental."
She smiled back, and hugged him as tightly as she could.
"Thank you, Nick. For everything."
She could feel the tightness in his chest. He was close to breaking. "I thank God every day that you came into my life," he said.
Mana let go reluctantly, and got into her car. As she drove off she could see Nick wave her off in her rear-view mirror.
She didn't even notice the tears streaming down her face.
Kei arrived at Trident a few days after Mana returned to the base. Quickly she and her 20-odd-man team of technical experts established themselves on base, taking over a small unused hangar as their headquarters. For several days a stream of specialized equipment – computers, instruments, a whole other mess of electronics – flowed into the room, and under Kei's direction it quickly took its shape out of the constrained chaos.
Just as quickly Kei made herself a staple in the JA-P³ hangars, speaking with the American specialists, and Sizzo especially. The two of them would pore over the minute details of the schematics, and the issues that the earlier JA-P³ tests had had.
Mana kept herself busy with the pilots. Although the 3s were out of commission, the 2s were still usable, and so they made daily practice sorties under Mana and Chester's eyes. It was boring, but it was something to do besides sit in her office and make fun of William. What pleased her even more was the fact that Captain Howard was back in the pilot's seat, none the worse for the failed activation test. An added bonus was that she got to tease the sapient Theta over how his ex Ichi had been so interested in meeting new & single sapients. He had responded by shutting down her work computer.
Mana had not been pleased by that.
After a week, Kei asked Mana if she and Chester could make some time to have a discussion with her.
When Mana walked into the room, she saw Kei already sitting, her hands clasped in front of her on the conference table. Next to her sat two of her assistants, women, dressed in the usual Nerv brown uniform, and unremarkable to Mana in any way save for their damn-near perfectly circular heads. She wondered how that was possible. Both kept their heads down, studying their PDAs. Also sitting at the table was Sizzo, who looked utterly miserable, as if he hadn't had a night's sleep in a week. Which was entirely possible, when Mana considered it for a moment.
She and Chester took seats next to each other. They sat straight, and Chester laid his forearms on the table, laying his right hand over his left.
"So, what's the occasion, Kei?" Mana began.
"I wished to speak with you and Chief Pilot Jefferson because I and Master Technician Sizzo have been unable to justify certain of these mental blockers implemented in both the JA-P² and 3 systems." Kei said this without moving, fidgeting, or blinking. It disconcerted Mana.
"Which ones are you thinking of?" Chester asked. Kei pulled out her own PDA and tapped it a few times. On the wall to Mana's left a projection screen lit up with information.
"Ahh, what Dr. Nagisa is saying is that we think we found the problem," Sizzo said, "and by the problem, I specifically mean the one for Unit Gamma." Sizzo pointed at the mental schematics on the wall, a complicated web of white lines on blue, with a laser. "If you look here, you'll see this blocker in particular," he circled one blocker a few times, "which truncates any meaningful mental connection between the pilot and any artificial sapient or intelligence. And unlike any of the others, this is hardware, not software. We think that when Gamma got to the point of connection, this blocker seems to have shocked the intelligence in Gamma, shutting it down prematurely."
Chester spoke, "Now why did the power go off in the base?"
Sizzo shrugged. "We think we found Gamma's problem, not Trident's."
Chester looked at the schematic and frowned. "And your recommendation, Dr. Nagisa?"
"I recommend a complete overhaul of your mental connections, removing almost all of the blockers. This should reduce the failure rate in the activation tests. I would also recommend a move back to artificial sapients for the Jet Alone Prime 3's. They are more efficient, and might save precious instants in the field."
Chester looked over at Mana. "What do you think, Krish?"
Mana stared at Kei, who remained unnaturally still. Even more still than Mana could be, and she could turn off her limbs.
"I reject this recommendation completely and totally," Mana said. She noticed Kei's eyes widen the slightest bit at that.
"May I ask your reasons why?" Kei said.
"Yes, you may," Mana responded, "If you read the material, Dr. Nagisa, you might know what happened at the activation test for Unit Zeta. It was because of the lax safeguards in that unit that almost led to the pilot's death through mental destruction. That sapient, I'll remind you, not intelligence, almost overrode his brain. Even when we severed the connection manually we were almost too late. Captain Westerlund lost the ability to walk after that test. A few seconds more and who knows what the damage could have been."
"I read the material and I know the circumstances, Colonel," Kei said, "but that is an acceptable risk with making mental connections. One may get hurt."
Mana was getting mad as more of the memories came back to her. "James almost became a meat puppet, and you call that acceptable?"
"We must strive for safety, but too much prevents anything from being done. Need I remind you, Colonel, about the Evangelion you piloted?" Kei asked. The other figures in the room seemed to fade in the background as the two pushed against each other.
"No you don't, but I will not put another person in that position. I don't care how ethical or reasonable the new intelligences and sapients are, they are to remain fundamentally separate from the pilot's mind." She pointed at Sizzo, "you will find a way around removing that blocker," then at Kei, "and if you so much as touch it, I will have you and your little group thrown out of her so fast you won't even feel the door hit your ass."
The room was silent. "Do you understand!" Mana yelled, startling everyone except Kei. Various voices agreed as Mana stormed out of the room.
On some level, Mana knew her outburst might have been out of line. Kei had personally come to oversee these efforts, and when she had given her first thoughts, Mana had pretty much bit her head off. But no one else had been there for Zeta. No one else had heard Westerlund cry for mercy as the sapient attempted to download itself into him. In Mana's mind, the only reason she could believe Kei was alright with it was because of how one of her own vicious 'offspring' had done the same thing in Australia. Mana cursed herself. She should have remembered that before letting Kei anywhere near the units.
As she stalked the halls of the base towards her quarters, Mana thought up plans to make sure Kei left things the way she had found them. She considered sending Kei back herself, but had little faith in her assistants to chart new ground, if the two she had seen were any indication.
Mana slammed open the door to her office. William was snoring in a chair. Picking him up by the collar, she shook him awake, then threw him out into the hallway. He didn't seem hurt, but Mana didn't care. Stalking over to her desk, she calculated the time difference to Tokyo-3. Sitting down, she opened a bottom drawer on her desk and drew out an old bottle of Tennessee bourbon, a birthday gift from Beck the year before. Her hand was wrapped around the neck of the bottle, and her fingers tapped an odd rhythm on it, but she didn't open it.
Contemplating her actions for a few seconds, Mana placed a call to Tokyo-3. Her fingers produced a dull tinking sound as they tapped against the glass bottle.
Eventually she heard a voice speak: "Hello there, you've reached Shinji Ikari." Voicemail. Mana cursed as it went on, "sorry I'm not here right now." Mana reached out to end the call when the line clicked. Shinji's face appeared on the screen.
"Hello there! Sorry I- Mana? Hey! Ah- how are you?"
Mana stopped drumming her fingers on the bourbon. "Hey," she said, trying to articulate herself further, "I want to kill your sister," she blurted out.
Shinji blinked a few times. "Please don't," he said smiling, "Kei's my last sister that's not a giant robot."
Mana let got of the bottle and tried not to chuckle. Suddenly her anger seemed like so much affectation, and almost embarrassed her. "I'll, uh, I'll try," she said, "Because you asked."
"Thanks! But what happened? You usually don't threaten to kill people."
Mana laid out to him what had happened.
Shinji's forehead tensed. "That's... strange. For Kei. I'll uh, I mean, I can talk to her, if you'd like? She's not the best diplomat in the world."
Mana rested her chin on her hand. Talking about it had made her feel even more out of line. She still thought she was right, though.
"Actually, I should probably deal with this. I... I sort of fucked this up," she said.
He nodded. "Sooo," he said, "besides that, what's up?"
Mana thought for a second. "Why don't you just tell me what you've been up to. I don't really want to talk right now, if that's okay."
Shinji nodded again. "No problem. I think I understand."
For an hour he talked, mostly about his cello students. Four were auditioning for orchestra positions in Kyoto or Tokyo-2, and several others had been requested to play around Europe and South America. At some point she quietly put the bottle of booze back into the drawer. After hearing about his students, a question struck Mana.
"Do you tour at all outside Japan?" she asked.
Shinji stopped mid-sentence. "Ah, yes, actually! That was something I wanted to talk about with you."
"Yeah? Go on."
"Well, I'll be performing a few solo pieces in New New York for Christmas this year. I was wondering if you'd like to meet up at some point?"
Mana looked at Shinji's face on the screen. What should she say? What did she want to say?
"When would you be done?" she asked.
"Well, I have my last performance on the 23rd, and then I don't have to be back here until the end of January when term starts again."
"Shinji," Mana said, "would you like to come up to Maine at all?"
Shinji grinned. "That'd be great, Mana! I've never seen that part of the United States at all."
Mana was surprised at that second sentence. Did he not want to spend time with her? But she pushed on.
"Alright then, how about I meet you on Christmas Eve, and we can figure out what to do from there?"
"Improvisation? I think I can do that," Shinji replied.
After talking about small matters for the next half hour, the two said goodbye. Mana sat back in her chair in the dark and stared at her ceiling.
So God help her she enjoyed talking about the stupidest shit with Shinji. But she didn't want that. She had given up her chance with him long ago. So why was she setting things up so that they would be spending time together? Why was she setting them up to hate each other again?
Mana didn't find an answer that night.