Chapter 10 – All Her Past & Future
After two days of back and forth, Mana went and apologized to Kei if she had been out of order at the meeting. Kei had accepted, but had then said that although she would take Mana's concerns into consideration, perhaps Mana should leave technical matters to the experts.
After that Mana had left the meetings solely to Chester, who could see Kei without wanting to break her face. But for all her misgivings about the Nerv team, they operated professionally & efficiently. A week and a half after the first conference, Unit Gamma was activated successfully, without having to remove the physical blocker.
Mid-December Mana returned to Maine, confident that Sizzo and Chester could keep an eye on things. But when she got there she found her mind running around in circles.
Mana had first come to that town in order to escape from the rest of the world – a quiet place where she could forget about the duties and issues cropping up around her at Trident or Washington. And for the years she had spent there, it had worked; her mind always rested in the country. But there was too much to think about this time, and nothing to distract her.
She thought about Beck a lot. What his retirement meant. She wondered if she should leave the military as well. But then she thought 'What was my life about?'
She had saved the world. And?
Beck had a family, a stake in history. But what about Mana? Was she just some piece of driftwood, fated to never place roots? So what if she retired – what would she go to instead?
Mana thought about her death, what people might say. And nothing she could think of in those imaginary eulogies settled her heart. She had given her life up, and didn't know if she had gotten anything in return.
Questions. Only questions.
A couple of nights she had to drink so that she could sleep through the questions. And the questions made her mad, and she felt impotent and frustrated that she couldn't figure it out, that she was flailing to keep her head above water. She hadn't felt this way in a long time, and she hated it.
Her books didn't help. Mana would pull books randomly from the shelf, flip through a few pages, then put them back. First a yellowed paperback, then an ancient leather-bound work, to a pre-Impact hardcover. She thought maybe, just maybe, there would be some kind of an answer in the collection, some sign that she had done the right thing. But though the authors spoke, they spoke gibberish. Hemingway, Undset, Conrad, and more – she felt they were all talking past her, that she had missed something somewhere that everyone else had picked up, and just assumed Mana was there with them.
Mana stayed off the balcony now that the snow had begun, but she would look through the glass door over Long Lake, far below her, towards North Bridgton and Pleasant Mountain. She would spend hours watching the sky turn from steel gray to black. Waiting.
Questions. Only questions.
And no answers.
On the morning of December 24th, Mana drove down to New Portland. A blizzard had hit the New England area only two days before (dropping 3 feet of snow in Harrison), but the plowmen had reopened the roads at speed. Shinji was scheduled to arrive around noon, so Mana planned to arrive a half hour early.
New Portland had never been large. Built on top of Gorham, it was still attempting to obtain the dignity of a city that age had given to Portland. Neoclassical facades could only do so much.
The airport was small and low, and the only reason it claimed the title of 'International' was because of connections into Quebec. Mana found a parking space after some trials, and walked towards the terminal, avoiding the berms of plowed snow. Although obscured, the sun shone bright behind the clouds.
The terminal's ceiling was low, and the walls were painted a terrible shade of light brown. Around her people jostled and bustled. To her right stairs led up to the exit the arrivals took. The walls and halls were decked with plenty of non-denominational and non-confrontational winter bunting, and over the speakers Eartha Kitt sang "Santa Baby." Mana checked the arrivals monitor – NAA1297 from New New York was on time to land in about twenty minutes.
Mana stood around and waited. "Jingle Bells" came on. Mana could hear beeping from the security checkpoint. Unconsciously she began to fidget.
What did Mana want from Shinji? She had plotted out how he might respond to anything she'd say, then how she would respond to that – she had imagined the timings, the physical movements, how best she might get any point across. But at the heart was a gap. Mana didn't know what she wanted.
A luggage carousel to Mana's left began to shake and move. It was for NAA1297. Mana watched the exit from the gates. After a few more minutes she saw the familiar head of black hair.
Mana smiled without thinking, waved at him, and caught his attention. He waved back. Mana could see he was wearing a thin jacket and carrying a black laptop bag.
Coming near her Shinji stopped. "Ah, I need to go by the luggage office first. They have my cello."
"Anything coming on the carousel?"
Shinji cracked his neck. "Yeah, but that'll be a few minutes more." With that, they went over to the door on the far left wall, where a woman in a blue uniform sat.
"Excuse me," Shinji said, getting her attention, "do you have a cello case? It'll be marked Ikari."
The woman began clicking through her computer, squinting her eyes once or twice. "Yes," she said, "it should be..." she got up and went to the back of her office, and pulled out a deep black case. She handed it over to Shinji. Mana noticed his eyes quickly glance over the case, looking for any scuffs or sign of damage.
"Thank you very much," he said.
"You're welcome," the woman replied, going back to her work.
And that was it. No fanfare. No adulation. To Mana the woman hadn't seemed that much younger than her – did she just not remember that Ikari was the last name of one of the people who saved the world?
Ungrateful.
"So," Mana said as they walked towards the carousel, "how was New York?"
Shinji let out a breath. "It was... I have to say that was the biggest crowd I've ever performed in front of in my life." He pointed out a green duffel bag, which Mana easily hefted.
"But it went well?" she asked as they left the terminal and walked towards her car. She put his luggage in the trunk.
He grinned like a boy as he got into the passenger's seat. "Well, they stood and applauded me for two encores, so I can't think I did too poorly."
Mana pulled away from the airport, and began heading north. Shinji shivered as they drove.
"Maybe you should have gotten something more substantial to wear," Mana said as she turned up the car's heat.
Shinji rubbed his hands over his arms. "Oh yeah, like the guy who's only known summer in his life is going to know what's appropriate to wear in this snowy winterland."
Mana chuckled. "Don't worry, I've got some extra jackets at my place. I'll try to make sure you don't freeze up here."
They talked more about Shinji's time in NNY as they approached 302. Turning left at the junction, they continued towards Sebago Lake.
The New York area had sprung back faster and higher than anyone could have imagined from Second Impact. By 2037 it had almost reestablished its place as one of the finest cities in the world. Shinji had little but good to say about the area. His hosts had been friendly, and had given Shinji free reign to explore the streets as he would.
As they passed through North Windham, Shinji asked Mana if she had ever spent time there. She had, a while ago, though. She didn't say much beyond that.
"So how'd you decide what to play?" Mana asked. She started to overtake a truck on the road outside Raymond, and hit her horn hard when the other driver decided to speed up as she was at their side. Mana forced them to pull back, and she got back into her lane.
"Ah," Shinji said, "well I played most of Bach's solo cello suite."
Mana tried to remember how she knew that piece. "I feel like I heard that one before."
"Well, it is pretty famous-"
"No, no. I mean. I know you played it before. I just can't remember when."
Shinji thought for a moment. "You know, I bet it was when you came to my audition for Tokyo-3 University. I'm almost certain I played the first part for the music faculty that day." He laughed once. "Oh jeez, that was a long time ago." He looked over at Mana. "I like to think I've gotten better at it since then."
"I thought you did well back then. I think I told you that as well."
"To be objective, Mana, we were also in a relationship at the time."
Mana was silent for a minute. "Still thought you sounded good."
Driving towards South Casco Shinji looked to their left at Sebago Lake. It's surface was covered in only a thin layer of ice and snow. "Now that's impressive," he said, "how big is that compared to Ashi?"
"It's probably the same size or so. Sebago's pretty large."
Shinji rolled the letters in his mouth. "Sebago. Sebago. Seh-bay-goh. That's a cool name. What does it mean?"
Mana thought about it. She never had before, but now she was actually interested in the answer. "You know, I'm not sure."
Both remained quiet as they passed by Naples and headed north on 35. The clouds had gotten darker, a mix of varying grays. Mana made sure to watch out for any patches of black ice.
By the time they arrived in Harrison, a very light snowfall was coming down. Only a few other cars were on the roads around town.
"So this is the place?" Shinji asked.
Mana turned the car onto another road. "Not here. I'm just outside town."
A few more minutes of driving, and Mana pulled into the long driveway to her house. "Looks nice," Shinji said. He looked at a sign hanging from the balcony. "What's Briggs Ave 2?"
Mana shrugged as she parked the car in the ground floor garage. "The old owner said it was something from his uncle, and I just never took it down."
Shinji pulled out his cello from the back. "Know what happened to him?"
Mana opened the door to the stairs to the main floor, and got Shinji's other luggage. "I get a Christmas card from him every year. Pretty sure he lives over in Wisconsin now."
They got to the top and opened the door. "So, here it is," Mana said, gesturing over the couches in the living room and the small kitchen.
Shinji put his cello down and looked around the room. He focused on the wall-spanning window facing the outside balcony. "Wow, that is an incredible view."
Mana poked his arm. "Come on, let's put your stuff away, then you can gawk."
She put him in the guest room, only a few feet away from her door. She prayed she wouldn't try anything like she did in Tokyo-3. As he unpacked a little Mana threw the little ham she had bought for dinner into the oven. For the first time she wished she had grilled Lara or Lisa on recipes. She was fine with quick food for herself, but when she had realized Shinji would be eating food with her, she had felt very inadequate.
The afternoon and evening passed well. Shinji had only good things to say about the slapdash meal Mana had prepared, even though she could see at least three or four things wrong with it.
The evening was quiet. Mana was 'working' and Shinji 'reading', but both were mostly talking in the living room. The snow had stopped outside, but had left a thin layer of snow on the world. In the distance lights blinked on Pleasant Mountain and down in North Bridgton.
"Do you mind playing something?" Mana asked Shinji. In the past two hours she had only gotten through three pages of performance evaluations for her pilots. It was time to accept that it wasn't going to be finished that night.
He looked up from his book. "Sure. Give me a second." He came back with his case. He opened it up, and Mana got a nice look at the instrument. Under the lamps patches of bright reflection hit Mana's eyes. Shinji pulled out his bow and began tuning the instrument. "Any requests?" he asked.
"Whatever you like," Mana replied.
Shinji smiled, and tested the strings with his bow. After a moment, he began playing. His movements were staccato, his motions like strings snapping in stop motion. Mana had no clue what he was playing, but it didn't matter. She watched his fingers play over the strings, sliding down almost to the bow, then back up top. Shinji's eyes were closed, and he subtly swayed his head with the music, but kept the rest of his body as still as he could.
Yes, Mana could see why the audience in New York had given him such accolades.
He played for almost twenty minutes, and Mana kept her eyes on him the whole time. It felt so natural, to be here like this with him, just listening to the music.
Finally, Shinji plucked the last few notes with his left hand, and put the bow down. He opened his eyes and looked at Mana, "So what did you think?"
"I liked it. It seemed very difficult."
Shinji let out a laugh. "Yeah, Kodaly can be pretty tough, but I think he's worth it."
"Did you play it on tour?"
Shinji started putting the cello away, "Ah, no actually."
Mana raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I'm sure you could have gotten three encores if you had."
That night Mana had another nightmare – Rampel this time. She was back in Jet Alone Prime but there was no help, just her and the unstoppable mountain. And she pushed and strained and tensed her body to give everything to hold it back, to stop it. But there is no help, no chance to win. Jet Alone Prime breaks, and now Rampel is crushing her, grinding her to dust, and there is no way out, only an eternity of pain. And Mana can't even cry out as the mountain smashes her and she will never escape.
Mana awoke in the small hours of the morning to find her bed soaked with sweat, and with the sheets torn where she had ripped them while asleep. She sat up in her bed and drew her knees in. She wasn't going to get any more sleep.
Christmas day. Shinji woke up much later than Mana, and when she suggested they go out for a drive, he agreed.
As they drove to Edes Falls Road, Mana pointed out a few of the houses.
"That's a big one," Shinji said. It had three stories, and its white paint blended in with the snow all around it.
"Yeah, his wife died and his son committed suicide. He's got a story." She pointed down the road. "Over there's the house of the old Town Manager. He's still in a big fight with some of the Selectmen. Don't ask me over what, it's most likely something completely irrelevant. Probably the roads." Another house, smaller, more the size of Mana's. "The woman there got divorced, has a small kid, and works at one of the local schools."
"How do you get all this?" Shinji asked.
Mana shrugged. "My friend David jogs around here, and he gets people's stories. Then he tells me them, even when I don't ask."
They stopped at the intersection. "So Shinji, anywhere in particular you'd like to see?"
He shrugged and grinned. "Let's just drive."
Mana started towards Waterford. As they moved off the main roads, the car ran over bumps and cracks in the road, each with their own unique sound. The small cracks caused by ice – ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck, sinkholes – ba-dunk ba-dunk, and the like.
Beyond the road, great stretches of forest went off into the distance. Thin gray and tan trunks stood in ranks, contrasted with the snow and the remaining green leaves. When they would reach the top of a hill, Mana was reminded of the beauty of the land, and why she had come here, when she saw the far off tracts of land.
"Wow," was all Shinji said.
"You should see it in the summer and fall. Even better then," Mana replied. Her hands were tight on the wheel, and she fidgeted as she drove.
ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck
"Shinji," Mana said after a long while, "what do you think of your old girlfriends?"
That got his attention. "What do you mean by that?"
"Just... what do you think about them now." Them. Not Mana. By trying to focus on them she focused on herself.
"That's... that's a big question. I mean, I do think about them, if that's what you mean."
Mana kept a conscious check on her breathing.
Shinji continued. "If you mean if I still care for them? I... in some sense I do. I wouldn't have been in relationships with them if I hadn't cared for them at all, and any relationship you make is going to stick with you."
"Even Athene?"
"Huh?" Shinji took a second to recover. "Y-yes, in some sense even her. She's a good girl, and I hope she'll find someone better for her."
Silence.
ka-tuck ka-tuck ka-tuck
"Did you ever tell them you loved them?" Mana kept watching the road. She was pushing him, had to push him further.
"No," he said, "because I didn't." Mana said nothing, so he went on. "I felt... affection for them. They were nice to be around, nice to talk to, but... it never went beyond that. I didn't tell them I loved them because I didn't love them. I only told two women that."
Mana could feel Shinji turn his eyes to her. She didn't face him.
"A man asked me to marry him, once upon a time," Mana said. "His name was Edward Treadwell. And for some stupid reason he loved me." She watched as they passed a group of wild turkeys. "We had been together for three-no, four years. And every once in a while he'd say that he loved me, and I'd just smile and laugh. I liked him, I liked being with him, but I couldn't say the words. Until one day he asked me to marry him, saying that he didn't want any other women in his life, he just wanted me."
Mana stopped for a second. "And, I just couldn't understand him. Why he was willing to make this jump for me, when I had never done anything the same for him. He- I got scared then. Scared of making that last oath when I hadn't even said the first one, and scared of him for putting me in that position."
ba-dunk ba-dunk
Mana pulled the car to a stop on the side of the road. The forest watched quietly.
"What did you do?" Shinji asked, his voice level.
Another pause. "I- I ran. I ran from him, because I was too scared, too much of a goddamn coward!" Mana's hands gripped the wheel tightly, the leather creaking.
More silence. "Why are you telling me this?" Shinji asked.
Mana didn't know. To scare him off? 'I never changed, I'll still hurt you again'?
"Did you ever hate me?" Mana asked, finally turning to look at Shinji.
He looked back straight into her eyes. "No. Never."
"Why?" On some level she couldn't articulate, Mana needed to know.
"Because I loved you."
With that Mana took off her seatbelt and got out of the car. Shinji was surprised, but followed quickly. Mana didn't walk far before she turned around.
"Do you still love me?" she asked. Her breath steamed in the cold air.
"Yes," was all he said.
Mana smiled grimly. "You really shouldn't. I hated you for so long."
Shinji shivered lightly. "Do you still hate me?"
Mana's hands turned to fists, and she was ready to hit him. She walked up to him to do so, and he made no move to defend himself, but at the last moment she stopped.
"I'm sick of hating," Mana said low, then yelled "I'm sick of it! The only way I couldn't hate myself for leaving was to hate you! You and everyone else at Nerv for driving me away. That was how I had to justify myself! For 18 fucking years, Shinji! How the fuck can you love a piece of shit coward like me?" Mana walked over to a tree and punched it, leaving an imprint of her fist in the trunk. She turned back to Shinji. "I gave up my chance with you. How can you give me another one!"
This was her labyrinth, laid bare, out of which she could see no escape. She faced him, ready for any misstep on his part.
A bird cried out in the distance, the only sound for miles.
Wordlessly, Shinji walked to Mana, took her hand, and brought her into a light embrace.
Mana's snarl disappeared, as she registered what had happened. After a few moments, she started sobbing into his shoulder, cursing herself for everything she had done wrong.
And the wind whistled through the trees.