Scenario 17- ''I've Been Thinking About...''
When Kel looked back on why she was the way she was, she could never find a direct cause. Her world gradually spun slower and slower and slower, faded to a desolate blackness over time and small mistakes. With each gruesome sight she saw and could not stop, another part of her died and was lost to oblivion.
She had dug her hole so deep, and for a while she didn't know how to get back out. It seemed as if she had caged herself too, imprisoned herself in the darkness of war and of her own pain.
It had gotten so bad, it became so hard to wake up each morning, that it seemed to her that there was only one solution. That solution became so simple to her- she could just stop waking up. To stop living, to stop doing what she was doing, to stop having to go through all the pain.
But there was one thing that had stopped every time she was about to seriously plan it out. She would see the faces of those who had loved her, those that had trusted her, those who predicted that this is what war would do to a woman. And then... No matter how hard she tried she could not put the dagger within her, could not tie the noose around her neck, could not jump within the frigid and deep waters of the Vassa.
She was torn between peace and chaos within, between the peace and well-being of herself and the peace and well-being of her loved ones.
She considered making it look like an accident. Enter a jousting contest and just fall off her horse, or do something stupid that would prove to be fatal.
That would eliminate losing the trust of those who had trusted her, and fueling the opinions of the conservatives.
But her family and friends would still be in deep torment and grief. She didn't know how they could love someone like her, but she knew they did.
It wouldn't be as bad but... It would still be a pretty horrible thing to unleash on them, and she couldn't help but think of it.
But why would they care? How could they possibly love her, when she was so weak and stupid and worthless? What reasons did she have for living?
What if they knew who she really was? Would they love her then? Would they want to someone like her to live?
She wondered all of these things as the darkness pressed upon her and consumed her mind whole. As it slithered and crept inside of her, spreading a thick blanket of black all over her soul.
She wanted to tell; she wanted to talk about it, but she couldn't find the words to. So she gave out the information in small bits, or in cryptic ones. And when no one seemed to respond to that (because, even though she didn't say it outright, shouldn't they have gotten the hint), she started to doubt whether anyone still cared about her at all.
If it was anyone who noticed it was Neal. He didn't know the plans that she had formulated in her head, but he saw the emptiness that echoed in her eyes, the forlornness in the aloof and distant way that she acted now, the razor-sharp look of pain that flashed across her eyes when she thought that no one was looking. He didn't know what she was thinking; he only knew that something about the way she was thinking wasn't quite in working order.
He approached her reluctantly at mess halls.
''Kel...'' he began.
''Oh, Neal,'' she said, forcing a smile, ''hello.''
Smiles felt so artificial on her now; making herself smile was like molding discolored dry clay into a beautiful sculpture.
''I haven't seen you in a while,'' he said.
A while, as in a year and a half, the longest he hadn't seen her.
''I know.''
They talked for a while. However, it was usually Neal who initiated the topics; Kel only gave him flat, trite answers. The chemistry in them wasn't the same; Kel wasn't the same. When she looked at him, she gave her uncharacteristic fake smiles and a Yamani mask. Her eyes kept looking away from his, and onto the floor, with that horrible, hopeless look she always seemed to have now.
It was getting too much for him, too horrible and empty-feeling.
''Are you all right?'' he asked, even though he now knew for a fact that she wasn't. Kel's own sorrow was palpable and constricted Neal's own throat with its consuming metal band.
She shrugged, looking away from him. ''So-so.''
Neal felt his heart constrict; Kel was acting so out-of-character that he was getting scared now. She was lying him, that much he could tell. But... She never lied to him before- why was she lying to him now?
Neal had a feeling that she wasn't going to tell him if he kept prodding. Whatever negative feelings she was holding inside of her, she was going to have to tell him on his own. All he could do for her was let her know that he could.
''Kel...'' he said, putting his hand on hers, ''if you need anything, just tell me. If you need to talk to me, you can talk to me about anything. I care about you and I don't want you to be hurting.''
She looked up at him, and something in her eyes changed. As she looked at him, he saw a flicker of hope in a sea of sorrow.
Her mouth opened, and it looked like she was about to tell him something important. But then she changed her mind, and once more put on a fake smile for him.
''Thank you,'' she said, nodding.
''Sure.''
She got up and walked away from him, and he felt a pang in his heart as he noticed the way her shoulders slumped now.
Kel couldn't fall asleep that night, which wasn't unusual because she couldn't fall most nights. But this time.... This time it was different. It wasn't the ghosts of her past that haunted her, but the glow of Neal's words.
You can talk to me... he said.
I don't want you to be hurting... he said.
I care about you... he said.
Those words flickered in her head, danced and glowed and illuminated her heart.
Maybe he knew. Maybe he knew and wanted to stop her, but just didn't know how. Maybe he knew but wasn't entirely sure. Or... maybe he simply really did care about her, unlike she had begun to think.
Well all these maybes resulted in one sure maybe that she had made up.
Maybe I should tell him.
The more she thought of it, the more sure of it she became. When she finally fell asleep, she became sure of it.
Kel approached Neal the next morning.
''Kel,'' he said, forcing himself to smile.
But she couldn't make herself smile back, not even artificially. She looked at him and let him see her pain.
''Kel...'' he said, reaching out for her, ''you're not all right, are you?''
The amount of concern struck something in Kel that she had long ago buried away. She started to sob.
She found herself in Neal's arms, sobbing on his tunic. She stayed there for a moment, until she found the tears could no longer come.
''I'm sorry about that, Neal.''
''Don't be,'' he said.
Kel didn't know what to say. She had been sure she was going to tell him but she didn't know how. Then, as if he read her thoughts, Neal squeezed her arm in comfort.
''You said.... you said I could tell you anything?'' she asked, her voice soft and hoarse with sobs shed and sobs that she had yet to shed.
''Anything,'' he said, meeting her bloodshot eyes with his own.
Kel saw and felt the sincerity that shone in his eyes. She knew that she could back out again, and continue to keep her horrible secret caged inside of her. But she also knew that she could finally tell him, without condemnation on his part. She could tell him, and maybe then she could finally begin to relieve herself of all of the darkness.
''I feel like the world is so horrible and I can't do a thing about it,'' she began, ''I've seen so much darkness that I haven't been able to extinguish. I feel like I'm worthless, like if I left this world it wouldn't be much different.
''And I've been thinking...I've been thinking about killing myself.''
Well this was a little bit deeper and darker than the last work, but I'm starting to think that's more of my style because this was so much easier to write than the last one. Now I know that this probably wouldn't be Kel but... The issue of suicide is a really important one and I thought I might be spreading awareness about it. This fic was actually inspired by a very good book( besides TP's books, of course, which are also amazing) called Thirteen Reasons Why. Anyway... please read and review and I will try to update as soon as I can.