Scenario 26- ''This is Wrong.''
Once again, Kel felt herself being lifted. She felt as if she were flying with him with his bed as her sky, and every moment with him filled her with ecstasy. He was so beautiful, and he loved her so.
She was perfect for him. She knew it from the time they were both pages. The only problem was that he was married to her friend.
''I love you, Kel,'' he would say, nestled up against her. ''I love you more than anyone in the entire world.''
And she would say the same to him, her heart aching with sincerity. She was sure that he meant it too. The only reason Neal was married to Yuki was because he hadn't realized it sooner.
While she was with him, her heart was only filled with her love of him. But when she was not with him, she was plagued with guilt and disgust too. It was hard to look at Yuki, as she was swamped with guilt of being with her husband and resentment at the fact that she was always the one he would come home to.
He spent most of the year with her though. Except for when he went home, he was with her.
''When I get home, I'll annul the marriage,'' he said.
He never did. He always came up with some excuse, a reason why he was unable to. But eventually he was going to do it. Kel truly believed that.
But did she really want him to? Did she really want to compromise her friendship with Yuki for their love? That was the question that she forced her mind to hold back as he told her this. Of course she wanted to. She loved him and she wanted to be free to show it.
One night Neal had planned a particularly romantic getaway in the forest that surrounded them. They were by the river, and he had candles and a blanket and everything.
It was then the guilt swept through her, more heavily than it did before.
Did he do this with Yuki? she wondered. Was Yuki thinking of him right now? Was she loving and missing him right now?
She turned away from him as he poured wine.
''What's wrong?'' he asked, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.
She turned around, and for a moment she wanted to say it. She wanted to tell him how wrong it was for them to be together; she wanted to tell him how horrible she felt for it; she wanted to ask him how he do this to Yuki.
But at the same time their love was never so right, she felt wonderful being with him, and she didn't want him to stop loving her. So she smiled and gave him the vague answer, ''Just thinking.''
''About what?'' he asked.
''Work and such,'' she lied.
''I set this all up for you to forget about that,'' he said. ''Don't ruin it.''
And then he kissed her again, and all thoughts about that flew out of her head until the morning afterward.
But when it came back, it came back. Guilt came to her like a nasty hangover, and she could not escape it all day.
As she worked, she thought about what her morals were supposed to be as a knight. And what her morals were supposed to be as a person.
What would my parents think? she thought. Our other friends?
What would I have thought years ago?
She knew they, including her former self, would all be disgusted and disappointed at her. How could Kel, bound by her integrity and her morality in everything that she did, do and continue doing something like this?
But Neal... Oh Neal. He was still beautiful and their love was still so perfect. How could she resist him?
And how could she be so weak and so selfish by not resisting him?
How could she have so little respect for her own morals by giving in to her emotions? Especially when she was known for keeping her head when tackling problems?
So she tried to practice how she would end their relationship.
''Neal,'' she said, to no one. ''I can't do this anymore. It's wrong of us to be together when you have a wife. I love you but I feel too guilty being with you. I can't be with you until you annul your marriage with her.''
She kept saying this over and over and over again, swearing to herself that she was going to tell him this when she next saw him.
But when she did see him those words flew out of her head. She tried to say it, but she forgot how to. And when Neal asked her what she wanted to say she would tell him to forget about it.
Neal and Kel had to go home eventually though, and Neal invited Kel to Queenscove.
This was an invitation she took reluctantly. She and Yuki would be in the same house; Yuki might catch on to her relationship with Kel quicker. But Neal said he could not stand not being near her presence during Midwinter, so she went.
They came together to Queenscove. Neal's children were all very happy to see him, running up to him and embracing him.
He responded warmly in return. Kel watched all of this with the feeling of lead in her stomach. She kept her face smooth as stone as she watched them, and as she greeted them.
The children treated her well and thought of her highly. She was sure that would change when they discovered what she was doing with their father. The thought of them finding out made her feel nauseous.
Being at Queenscove made her feel guiltier and guiltier and guiltier about her relationship. She saw how beautiful and how functional the household was, and thought of how it would be ripped apart when they all knew.
He was not affectionate to Yuki in her presence; he was not affectionate to her in Yuki's presence. Yuki showed no affection for the either of them, but Kel knew that was only because the Yamani culture discouraged showing any emotion.
It was only late at night that Neal came to her bedchambers, to kiss her and to love her. Afterward, Kel would feel sick to her stomach. The fact that he was cheating with her in the house that Yuki and their children shared made her feel more disgusting than ever.
With each passing day, she became surer that their relationship must end. Yet ending it was something she absolutely dreaded; Neal made her feel like no man ever had before.
On the last night she was there, Kel decided to go to the forest to gather her thoughts, to make a final decision.
It was there that she realized that this absolutely could not continue their relationship. Their relationship would have to end, or she would have to destroy everything that held Neal's family together… She'd have to choose one or the other. One of those was inevitable.
No matter how hard it was for her, she would have to end with the relationship. It was that, or live with herself if she didn't.
She had been selfish for so long; she would now have to uphold the morals that had made her who she was.
When he came to her bedchambers on the last night she was there, she shook her head.
''This is wrong.''
After all the complicated speeches, she had made for herself the truth was that simple.
''Kel… Don't do this now.''
''Go.''
''This is our last night here, Kel. Let us have a little bit of fun.''
''No. I shouldn't have let this continue for as long as it has. You're married, Neal, and you're not doing anything to change that.''
''I can't, Kel.''
''Then I can't do this anymore.''
''Don't be like this, Kel. I want you; I love you; I need you.''
''Then you would leave her.''
''The children…''
''Would be horrified if they found out about us.''
''I don't love Yuki anymore. I did once, but love fades. I love you.''
''I love you too, Neal. But that doesn't make this right.''
''Please let me in.''
''If you loved me, Neal, you wouldn't force me to throw away my morals like this.''
He was silent.
''Go.''
''Come to me if you change your mind.''
She was silent as he walked away. She wouldn't change her mind. They both knew that.
When they left the next morning, she made sure to ride far away from him.
Sorry for the weak ending, and sorry if it's a bit monotonous… I'll try to change up the structure of it for the next one. I'm almost done these, and after this, I'll be taking a break from FFN (as seen on my last story) except for a few oneshots. Anyway… read and review.