A/N: Sooooooooooooo this just sort of happened. I guess my mind finally cut the shit with the whole writer's block thing. It's funny how I can never seem to finish the stories I try my damnedest to write, but constantly hammer out things that are of no consequence. This is really just some bullshitting about poking fun at the way boy write and think. There's a lot of overzealous swearing and a lot of "Bitch" talk, but please don't get me wrong. It's all just hilarious-ness =)

Enjoy

DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Jasper would never be this much of a regular man in her fantasy world. I'm just a bit more realistic, yet over the top.

JPOV

How?

I mean seriously. How could someone spend so much fucking money? And in one goddamned store? I really don't get it. I, Jasper Whitlock, cannot even fathom how anyone could toss away that kind of money. It is my wife Alice we're talking about, but how in the fuck could she spend so much? Thirty-two hundred dollars. In one store. Unless that bitch vajazzed her delicious pussy then coated it in gold, I just can't see spending that kind of dough.

I look over my credit card statement for the billionth time. It's one thing to spend that amount over a month's time – maybe even a week – but in only one day? And in only one store? Holy hell, she was going to die. I was going to go to jail for murdering my wife. It wouldn't even be a crime of passion. The legal system didn't have a verdict heavy enough to punish all the things I was going to do to her.

The bitch got me back for my whole "Kardashian" thing, but this? This was over the top. If I wasn't so pissed off I'd probably be impressed that she'd somehow managed to supersede the spending limit I had placed on her card. But this wasn't the time to be awed – oh no – this was a time to be down right pissed off.

I had to think of something. I had to get back at her for this. She's a crafty little minx, I'll give her that much. Here I thought I was lucky enough to get away with a single punishment with the whole "mudbutt" thing. Alice is smart as a fucking whip. I'd forgotten how vengeful she could be. Yes, I had to get her back for this one, indeed.

I tucked away my credit card statement and made a mental note to see if I could find a way to garnish her wages over at the salon she worked. Alice was all about hair and clothes and make-up; all that girly shit. It was probably one of her co-workers or a customer that gave her the idea to try to tap me out. I mean, granted, what's mine is hers and blah, blah, blah. I was the one that was dumb enough to marry the girl knowing about her incessant shopping.

Now don't get me wrong, I motherfuckin' love my wife. She's my everything; the air that I breathe and all that other romantic bullshit. But this is the way we work. We're constantly getting over on the other one. It's like a love/hate game that we play, with neither one holding the reins as king for more than a few days or so. But my midnight fuckery was over a month ago and I had no idea she'd been sitting on this little dime for so long. Yea, I was going to get her goat real good.

I sat and stewed in the kitchen all day, plotting and waiting for her to bring her ass home. Of course, by the time she walked in right after twilight, I hadn't thought of any good comebacks. I wasn't sure whether to bring up the bill right away or to tactfully spring it on her once I had a game plan.

Alice breezed into the house as if she didn't have a care in the world. Fuck that! I don't like people playing with my money! And I'd be a fucking liar if I didn't say I had some issues with controlling my temper.

"ALICE! BRING YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!" I bellowed out at top volume though she was merely a room away. I swear to God I heard her sigh as she kicked off her pumps and padded into the kitchen. I bet she bought those fucking shoes with the credit card too. I hope they came with a receipt.

"Yes," she asked, dragging out the 's' and rolling her eyes once she was standing in front of me. She even had the nerve to have her arms crossed like some kind of petulant teenager about to ignore her scolding parents. I wasn't having it.

"What the fuck?" was all I needed to say. She knew she'd done wrong.

She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes again like I was the dumb fucker who spent all that money. "What are you talking about?"

"What am I…" Was she serious? "Are you serious? What am I talking about? Thirty-two hundred dollars, Alice? Are you fucking kidding me right now? What the fuck could you possibly need that costs that kind of money?" She had to be joking me!

"Jazzy," she said my name in the way that gets her anything she wants. She even pouted a little, but I wasn't in the mood for that. "Everything I got was on sale. It was all a steal, honest!"

"Well, then, maybe your ass should have stolen it 'cause it's sure as shit going back to the store!" I never have – and never will – hit a woman in all my life, but I swear to God, now I can see why some fuckers do. Nah, I take that shit back. But I could pinch her right now. Fuck that! I'm totally pinching her right now.

"Owe, Jazz! What the hell?" she complained rubbing her arm and giving me the puppy eyes. She was so sexy when she pouted. Damn her!

"I hope it hurt, too!"

Damn it, I can't believe she was working me over. I could feel myself calming down and I know she could sense it too. She always knew how to get me riled up or as soft as a marshmallow. But not today! I refuse to let that shit happen!

"You're taking it back, all of it. I don't care if it was on sale and it's non-refundable. You're collecting it up and taking it back, and that's final."

"Fine," she huffed indignantly and for a split second, I was completely taken aback. I mean, did I seriously just win an argument about clothes with Alice? With Mary Alice Brandon-Whitlock? The very same Mary Alice Brandon-Whitlock whom was banned from Bloomingdale's in all fifty states for beating the shit out of a 56 year old woman over a pair of Jimmy Cho's? I don't fucking know who this Jimmy-guy is, but it was enough for my wife to be hauled off to jail after biting the store owner and kicking a security guard in the jewels for trying to pry the shoes from her clenched fist.

But my victory was short lived as suddenly my wife started pealing off her clothes, layer by layer until she was standing in front of me with nothing more than a fuck-me black and baby blue lace bra and panty set. This is the shit I'm talking about right here! This is the shit she used to wear before we were married! Fuck, she looked so good and her nipples were just aching to be put in my mouth. My cock was straining so hard in my jeans, I swear it was about to grow arms and rip the zipper down itself.

Although royally confused as to why my wife was standing in front of me in nothing but some barely-there underwear that was about to end up on the floor, my dick overrode my brain and was now at the controls of my body. I squeezed a handful of tit and was rewarded by Alice's head flying back and a moan worthy of porn escaping her throat. Jesus, she was so fucking hot!

Fuck this! Fuck all of this that isn't being covered in my body right now! I scooped her up to take her somewhere – anywhere that wasn't my kitchen. My kitchen was too bitchen to be defiled the way I was going to consume my wife right now.

Alice must have felt my indecision as she blurted out "couch" and continued moaning as I threw her over my shoulder and spanked her ass to keep the mood up. She was a bad, bad girl.

I unceremoniously tossed her on her back into the couch and sprang on top of her like a mountain lion. Yea, my sexual prowess is big cat-like in nature. I'm a predator, what can I say? My hands clawed at my own clothing, sprawling it across the room before shredded the remaining lace that kept me from my wife's promised land.

First, I was sucking on one tit. Then, I was sucking on the other tit. Then, I was sucking on her neck. I finally got tired of sucking and started licking. Everywhere. Neck, ear, collarbone, forearm – I didn't give a shit, as long as I could taste her. And she tasted so fucking fantastic. It put me right in the mood for fantastic fucking! Fuck, I'm awesome.

Although she really didn't deserve to get off, I learned my lesson. And if three thousand dollar credit card bills were what I had to pay, then I wasn't going to fuck this up again, even if it was funny as hell at the time.

I set out to make sure Alice was getting her rocks off. Judging from all the moaning and sighing and the amount of times she was screaming my name, I'm guessing it was going pretty well. I slipped two fingers in that tight pussy and it did not disappoint.

"Jesus Christ, Alice. You're always – oh God! – so fucking wet. I can't –" I couldn't even find the words to describe how heavenly she felt. It was so good.

I couldn't stand it anymore; I had to be inside of her, right the fuck now. This time, I made sure to inch my way in, marveling at the perfection that was the fit of my dick in her marvelous pussy. "Like a glove" were the only words to come to mind, but I didn't want to think about Jim Carrey right now. My super hot fuck-me wife wanted me to do just that - fuck her - so I would oblige.

There was panting and moaning and I couldn't have stopped if I tried, it felt so good. Alice's manicured nails ran down my back and I swear I felt her clenching already, but I knew there was no way she could be so close, we'd only just started. Still, I felt her legs shaking as she hooked her heels into my ass cheeks and her breaths were becoming shorter and more labored. What the hell? I mean, I know I'm the shit and everything, but we couldn't have been going at it for more than a few minutes. I was trying to draw this shit out; I had a lot of built up tension floating around.

"Oh please, Jazz. Please," Alice called in desperation.

I guess I hadn't really gotten her off in a while so maybe she was just as pent up as I was. I guess I'll be the good guy. I can take care of her before breaking out my o-face. It shouldn't be too long anyway, she was so warm and so tight. My fingers started lazily circling her clit, trying to stall for time so we could come together, but she wasn't having that.

"Jasper, please! Harder, baby. You make me so hot! I need to come, baby, please." She pleaded again, this time looking directly into my eyes. I could see the desperation there, but there was also something else I couldn't quite figure out. I let it go, though; she probably just really needed the release.

With that, I began rubbing her clit furiously with my thumb while slamming into her as hard as I could from my cramped position on the couch. Moments later she was screaming a mantra, thanking me and God for this amazing-ness. I couldn't stop the smile spreading since I knew it was all me who was making this happen.

Alice's sexy as fuck come face was almost enough to send me over the edge of ecstasy. I just needed to try to get a little deeper. Maybe if I just lift her leg…just a little bit…

Suddenly, mid-stroke, I was on the floor. Completely fucking bewildered I tried to shake my head. What the fuck? My hips we still slightly thrusting, but instead of the warm delicious-ness that was my wife's wet pussy, I was met by nothing by cold air. I looked up to the couch to see my wife sitting up and agilely hopping over the back of the couch towards the kitchen.

"What the fuck?" I asked to myself and to no one simultaneously. Alice simply starting redressing, sans tattered undergarments.

"What the fuck, Alice?" I tried again. Maybe if I said a name an explanation would magically appear as to why I'm not balls deep in pussy right now.

"Close your mouth honey, you'll attract flies" Alice quoted me from over a month prior. The bitch even chuckled at me as she walked down the hallway and closed the bedroom door – leaving me hard, naked, and spread eagle on the living room floor.

Oh, she's a crafty little minx, I'll give her that much.

I could suddenly hear her guffawing loudly from the bedroom. I forgot how vindictive she could be. Bitch was going to get.

A/N: Alice got one over on ol' Jazzy-poo once again, it seems.

Loves, flames, they're all the sames.

~Tay