Author's Note: Hello again all! I just thought of this the other day and shelled it out quickly. This has nothing to do with the impending American holiday, but I thought you all would like a treat since some of us (mostly me) won't have computer access for a few day. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! And if you're not American, than Happy Regular-kind-of-day-that-makes-people-want-to-give-you-things-for-no-reason!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Jasper could never be this awesome in her world. No copyright infringement is intended.

JPOV

I don't give two flying fucks that my wife is fuck-hot and takes the dick like a pro. She's the biggest bitch in all existence and I need to put a hurtin' on her. There should be a law against using awesome dick sucking abilities as a means of exploitation. I should have fucking known that that blowjob would cost me.

Apparently there's no such thing as free head.

And the world is a shittier place because of it.

Alice, the stupid bitch of a wife in question, is a total con artist. I need to teach her a lesson. But because I'm sitting here at a fucking mini-desk – surrounded by snot nosed brats, mind you – it isn't exactly the time to plot. Don't get me wrong; it would be the most appropriate time to zone out while I'm "contributing to society," but the fucking decrepit shrew of a kindergarten teacher told me to stop muttering and swearing. Fuckin', Aye! I should have paid more attention to what the fuck Alice was muttering when she was slobbing my knob.

Seriously? This bitch was kidding me!

My fuck-awesomeness should be gift wrapped and sold in stores everywhere. That'd be a better way to "contribute to society" than what the fuck she had in mind. Me, Jasper Lee Whitlock: The Incredible, playing with shit machines at a coloring station…for two fucking hours! And somehow I agreed to this because I was getting me junk polished. Well fuck that! Not anymore! I refuse to be deceived by the ever elusive free cock swallow. I fucking swear I'm going to fuck Alice's shit up so hard for this shit. Just because she's on a community service kick doesn't mean I have to suffer with this bullshit!

And the worst fucking part is? That bitch isn't even in here with me! Oh, hell no! She got lucky and got to hangout with the fucking high school kids and I got stuck with crumb catchers. Totally fucking lame! I swear she's trying to drop hints, but oh, hell nah! I fucking hate kids. If she wants kids, she can go sit on a different pole 'cause it ain't happening. Selfish fucking bitch. I really have to teach her a lesson. I have to think of something.

The Crypt Keeper – a.k.a. Mrs. Aroli: The Brat Tamer – shushes me and I've never wanted to smack a bitch upside the head so bad, but I go back to coloring at the group table next to all the bed wetters anyway. My coloring is turning out to be a very graphic picture of Alice getting gangbanged while I'm cutting up her credit cards in the background and I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

…until one of the devil spawn nudges me.

SHIT!

"Uh, yea?" I ask the sticky mini person because maybe if I see what it wants it'll leave me alone faster. I notice that the walking germ is a little blonde haired girl with huge, round eyes and the color is so blue that it almost looks like frosted glass. It's kind of freaky and kind of pretty at the same time. But if you start to call ickys pretty or cute the next time you drink the water, you'll be pregnant. That's just scientific fact.

"You're hogging all the red," the tiny bitch says in a voice that is surprisingly non-whiny. I thought little kids had their own language, but apparently they speak English as well. Maybe they aren't so bad after all.

I hand over the red crayon and glance at the little girl's picture. It's startlingly similar to mine, but it's a brown haired boy being ripped apart at all appendages while a little blonde girl in the background plays with a rocket ship. Children are Satan reincarnated. This little girl has confirmed it. But as fucking creepy as the whole "future psycho killer" thing she has going on is, she's making me feel better because her coloring confirms that there are assholes everywhere and no matter how old you are or if you shit in a diaper, people can piss you the fuck off.

"Nice," I say genuinely because despite the gross content, it's a very well done picture. Maybe kindergartners aren't as single celled as I thought. "Who is it supposed to be? And what'd he do, anyway?" I ask because I really want to know who deserved dismemberment and why.

The girl seems to growl and I swear she's seconds from snapping the crayon in half. It's kind of hilarious to look at because it's like a cute fuckin' kitten about to pounce on your toes. The kid probably stole her juice box or something.

"It's Alec," she all but hisses. "The booger face says that girls can't play with spaceships. He's a dummy and has poop breath."

I laugh. I think I like this little kid.

And because she is kind of awesome and kind of freaky, I ask her name.

"I'm Jane. Who are you?"

"I'm Jasper"

"That's a weird name," she rolls her eyes for emphasis. I think I like her a little less.

"What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you too big to be coloring?" she continues and I feel like rolling my eyes. 'Bitch' must be contagious.

"Yea, I am." And since I can't help but to throw Alice to the wolves I continue with, "but my bitch of a wife says I have to be here."

I'm instantly shushed and given the stink eye from Mrs. Aroli: Hag from Hell. I don't know what the fuck I did wrong so I ignore her. Jane seems to think the same thing because she doesn't even look in the teacher's direction. Instead, she's studying my picture in great detail and I'm not sure if little kids are supposed to know what gangbangs are. I cover the picture with both hands, just in case.

Jane looks unimpressed, bored even.

"If you really want to get back at her, you should do what my dad does," she states while adding more red blood to her picture.

My curiosity is instantly peeked. I love revenge and I've heard that little kids can be cruel. This is turning out to be a very informative day.

"And what does your dad do?" I'm almost giddy with anticipation.

"Gives her shoes to the dog to chew on."

Oh shit!

This is pure gold! I fucking love kindergarten! I want to fist bump and hug this little sticky thing, but I know that as soon as I do, Chris Hansen is going to pop out and offer me a glass of water. Instead I offer a high five and a smile and she readily accepts by slapping her hand to mine.

"Shit!" I shout and flip off the teacher when she glares. "We don't have a fucking dog."

"Then get one," Jane answers as if it's the simplest thing in the world.

I must look dumbfounded because she rolls her eyes again and drops her crayon to give me her full attention.

"Buy her a dog. Then she'll think you're the best because everyone loves puppies."

She's an evil genius.

I could buy my wife a puppy and she'll be giving me free blowjobs and free pussy for as long as I want and then when she least expects it…POW! Her shoes will be destroyed. It's absolutely the greatest plan of all plans because it's the plan than keeps on giving. If she pisses me off again, I can have the dog pee on her Prada. God! I think I'd like having one of these smellies just so I can have someone to brainstorm with. Maybe Alice was right all along with the whole dropping hints thing. Maybe we should get one of these.

The rest of the time goes by in relative silence, the only speaking between me and Jane is the exchange of crayons. She draws four more pictures, all of which involve that Alec kid without a limb or two.

I push away from the desk when it's time for me to leave and I find that I'm a little sad to go. This Jane girl is kind of cool for something that can't wipe its own ass and I think I might actually be looking forward to coming back next week.

"Well Jane, I guess I'll see ya around," concludes the most awkward goodbye ever known to man. Because honestly, what do you say to a five year old kid? It's not like I'll call her.

"Yea, see ya," and I think she's just as sad as I am that I'm leaving. This pretty much fuckin' sucks.

I pat her head and smooth down her hair as I place my chair under the table before making my escape. I turn around just before exiting and shout out to the class.

"Which one of you rugrats is Alec?"

The teacher instantly shushes me again, but I flip her off without even looking while a little boy nervously raises his hand.

"You're stupid and your breath smells like shit. Of course girls can play with spaceships." And then I make an exit to the wonderful sound of mockery. I seriously could get used to this.

On the drive over to the high school to pick up Alice I think about what Jane said. Yea, the whole dog thing would be totally fucking great, but I don't want to be a dead man. Alice has been a bitch, but she really thinks she's doing something positive here. I mean, I know better than to fuck with my wife's clothes and today wasn't so bad. Jane was a nice enough kid and I get to see her next week. If it weren't for Alice, I probably wouldn't have a future scheming partner. I could put Jane to use for much more low key revenge plots. Together we'll think of something cool as shit.

I pull up to the curb of the high school and Alice dramatically flings herself into the car. Since she's a woman, she doesn't even have the door closed before she starts complaining.

"Oh, my GOD, Jazzy! That was, like, the worst day of my life! Those kids were…" I stop listening. I don't give a shit how her day was. She was the one that wanted to do this and she was the one that wanted to go to the high school and stick me with the snot-noses.

As I drive down the road I'm contemplating asking if she wants to join me in my kindergarten class. Maybe she'll get to sit at a table with Alec.

I smile and chuckle at the thought.

Suddenly, Alice's voice is too shrill to tune out. I think this is called "squeeing."

"I'm so glad you agree, Jazzy. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Gah! Next time I have an idea like that, feel free to slap some sense into me," she says. I must have missed a question or something.

"What the fuck?" I ask because that is my code phrase for "The fuck is going on here, bitch?"

"Don't worry, baby. We'll find another way to help the community. Maybe we could just donate some money or foster one of the African babies via mail, or something."

What?

She really doesn't want to go back?

"You really don't want to help kids anymore?" I must be hearing things.

"Gah! Weren't you even listening to what I was saying, Jazzy? Those kids were satanic, I swear! I can't believe I thought we were ready for that kind of commitment. I mean, teenage boys were trying…" I shut her out again. I don't give a fuck what she has to say. All I hear is that I won't have to go back to the kindergarten again and as much as I should be relieved, I'm a little disappointed.

If I wasn't going to that classroom anymore, I wouldn't be seeing my accomplice anymore. And if I didn't see Jane anymore, how was I supposed to make Alice's life hell? This day was getting shitty again. I only had one option.

"Aye, Alice," I interrupted her mid tirade. "What do you think about us going down to the animal shelter and picking up a puppy?"

I was wrong before.

The ear-splitting sound I'm hearing now is officially "squeeing."

I smile and nod at Alice while she bounces in her seat and promises me countless free blowjobs the whole way down to the animal shelter.

I fist bump in my head.

There's no such thing as free head.

Chapter Notes: If you're unfamiliar with Chris Hansen, he works for Dateline NBC and his job is to rope in pedophiles. The show is awesome but makes me glad I don't have a daughter.

A/N: I just want to say thank you for all of the support y'all have show me. M:IAIS was added to so many favorites and I was added to author's favorites and it makes me so excited! I can't thank you enough. I've only had a few reviews, but they're very sweet. The awesome people whom reviewed got the original paragraph my boyfriend wrote that started all of this craziness. Also, don't forget to check out "ManFiction" by pbroken. She is incredible and has a hilarious take on a more realistic Bella and Edward.

~Tay