This is chapter 2. Aside from some hilarious Abed dialogue, it's the chapter I'm least proud of. It's also the longest, so enjoy!
2) Abed's Black Magic
Fifteen minutes later, just as he was finally drifting off into sleep, he heard another knock at his door. He moaned in pain and displeasure before he rose. He walked out of his bedroom and to his front door as another knock sounded.
He had no idea who to expect; why were people randomly dropping into his place like this? How were they even getting into the building? Who was buzzing them in? He opened the door and looked again on Annie, standing with trepidation. She walked into his apartment before he could turn her away.
"Won't you come in?" He sarcastically offered to her. She sat on his couch again.
"Why are you here? Did you forget something?" He asked with a tired voice. She took a second to begin speaking.
"I'm not here to beg and plead with you to help me, it's just…I actually had an ulterior motive for coming here today, and after I left I sat in my car wrestling with it..." She confessed.
"Annie Edison being duplicitous…that's new." Jeff replied glibly. She flashed a brief formidable look at him as he finished. She drew a breath and took a second to start speaking.
"I've been thinking about our talk...you know the one from before?" She finally said in earnest.
"I don't even remember waking up just now, refresh my memory."
"That day...in the coffee shop?" she turned her face quizically to him.
"The sex survey...yes it was a revealing afternoon." He said. Even though he had enough liquor to sustain the population of Belfast for three nights in his bloodstream and he had just shown her out, secretly Jeff was kind of happy that Annie was there, bothering and pestering him…well, a little bit anyways.
"You didn't tell anyone about my...me...that I...?" She wanted to ask.
"That you're a virgin?" He answered for her, "No Annie, I didn't."
"Oh good!" She squealed with glee, before she turned serious and started to flush, "Because I was thinking about it and I...and you...and I just..."
"Just say it already, Annie!" Jeff raised his voice so rapidly that it amplified his headache and made her start with a pop.
"I don't think I can say it, I…" She began, before walking into his kitchen and grabbing a notepad and a pen from the fridge, "Can I show you?"
"Ugh…" Jeff sighed with irritation; Annie should be making human sacrifices to the gods daily, because they made her cute enough to pull this crap and get away with it. Annie just smiled as he sat on the couch and she walked to the other side of his coffee table and wrote something quickly on the pad.
"Okay," She started, holding up seven fingers to him.
"Seven words." He said.
She held up a single finger.
"First word…"
She pointed to her left eye.
"I…" Jeff picked up instantly.
She smiled and nodded at him, before holding up two fingers.
"Second word…" He said, but his unhealthy state and short temper were beginning to flare up, "Why the hell am I even doing this? Here…"
He rose to his feet; he was at least a foot taller than Annie was. She tried to recoil and jump back, but she had underestimated his reach and his speed, even while hungover Jeff Winger was quite the athlete. In one quick motion he plucked the notepad from her and turned it around. She made an effort to get it back, but he was too quick for her. He sat on the couch and in an instant she was standing in front of him.
As he read the words on it, everything around him seemed to stop moving; it was as if space and time itself had ceased to be relevant. He very slowly raised his head and looked up at her. She blushed and placed both of her hands behind her back, gently pivoting on her left foot as she scratched the back of her ankle with her other foot. She smiled back at him. He looked down at the note and read it again.
"I want you to be my first…" He said in a dull voice, looking from her to the note and back at her again. He took a second to wonder if it was a figment of his imagination or maybe if he was being Punk'd, he even pinched his wrist…but no, there it was; I want you to be my first, written in blue pen, in Annie's perfect cursive, with a little heart dotting the 'I' in the word 'first'.
Hours seemed to pass between the two of them, but really it was probably just a few seconds, maybe thirty at the most. Jeff was the first to speak, and Annie held her ground. She was seated on the couch now, so he looked over at her.
"Annie we've been over this...what seems like dozens of times." He finally said with exasperation.
"Don't you think I know that!" She said defensively, "And I'm not saying I want to be your girlfriend and get married and have babies, it's just...this one time…"
"I feel like I've passed through the digestive system of one of Britta's cats. This isn't a great time to hit me with this." Jeff said as he rubbed his eyes, "Not that I'm not flattered or even shocked, but...me? You seemed grossed out by some of my answers on your little survey."
"Well, at first I was, but come on...you're Jeff Winger." She said with a sweet smile, "I've seen girls throw themselves at you, you keep in shape and dress well, you're charming and assertive, and...You're everything a girl could want. It's all I've been able to think about."
"Well duh!" He agreed with her.
She leaned closer to him, to which he slightly recoiled. "Do you want to hear a secret?"
"Since you're askmanding me..."
"In study group...when you do your grand speeches and the dad-slash-leader thing...sometimes it makes me feel warm...down there...", as she pointed to her groin.
Jeff looked at the ceiling and to the side away from Annie...he really should have known; Annie, fresh and chipper, minimal contact aside from the occasional text conversation, showing up at his doorstep in her painted on 'workout clothes', no call so she could ambush him.
She was getting scary good.
When he thinks about it, it kind of seems like things have been building up to this; more of those little 'looks' between them where her face softens and he smiles with his eyes; her skirts creeping higher and higher little by little; the way the group has seemingly been leaving the two of them alone more and more often...if he were Abed, he'd have noticed right away.
He couldn't deny an attraction to her, but he'd had the chance to act on it in the past and never did for one reason and one reason only; age, fourteen years of difference. When Jeff was graduating high school with his solid if unspectacular 68 average and bumping Reasonable Doubt, Annie was sorting her stuffed animals by height and color in kindergarten. Something about that kind of freaked him out.
"No really." She said when he went ten seconds without responding, "Ever since that time when we kissed in the debate I've had to carry an extra pair of underwear to school with me, just in case we'd have study group or I'd be near you. Why do you think my backpacks have so many hidden compartments and I only ever wear dark skirts?"
"Well Annie, I'm hugely flattered, but...once again...why?" He said, "Me being the pinnacle of manliness and making you wet in study group isn't a very compelling argument."
"Well it's just...I want my first time to be with someone who knows what they're doing…someone sexy and strong who can take control, I want it to be good, I want it to be memorable, the way I always hoped it would be..."
The first time is almost universally horrible and it's probably going to hurt, is what he thought and what he thought of telling her...but he didn't. Annie was impressionable, often to a fault; she probably imagined sex as a perfect union of man and woman under a full moon on a glorious summer night, when more often than not it was a knock-em-down, drag-em-out steamy, sweaty and passionate affair that left both parties mentally, spiritually and emotionally drained.
So many things in life, including himself in the past, had let her down. Even if in bed he was like a Siberian Tiger with the dexterity of a monkey, the stamina of a wolf and the destructive energy of Iggy Pop; he was afraid of setting the bar too high much more than letting her down.
What would a regular guy be like after being with him? Jeff Wingers don't exactly grow on trees. Hell, Britta still occasionally shoots him an 'I'm lonely/horny/bored, can I come over?' text in the middle of the night and they haven't slept together in over a year…and that was a hurried, spontaneous thing in the middle of the Great Paintball Battle of '10, when he had no time or space to properly operate, and he still beat it up amazing.
"I don't know Annie...I have such a bad hangover that I can barely move, let alone pleasure you to the best of my ability..." He rationalized to her with her blue eyes like x-rays trying to see into his mind.
"Oh, no!" She assured him, placing a hand on his knee for a second, "Think about it, and when you have your answer, call me...okay?"
"Okay..." He said quietly as she rose. Quickly and quietly, she was gone as soon as she had arrived, the door once more closing. Jeff rose to his feet again and walked to his bedroom.
Jeff was massively conflicted, but inside he felt a little bit happy as he pulled the covers over himself. It was never really about the age difference at all...well, on the surface it was, but that was mostly just something to say to Annie and the group to deflect them.
Part of the reason he couldn't be with Annie was because of three things; first, he was afraid of hurting her. Second, he was afraid of how much he liked her and finally third, and most importantly, even though he was awesome...and he was awesome, but deep down, deep deep down, he knew that he was really just a fraud and that Annie was too good for him.
Jeff Winger knows himself, he knows women and he knows Annie; the average girl would be met at a bar, slept with that night and some more over the next few weeks and then eventually discarded when he got bored; a sequence that could take anywhere from 4 days to a month, but Annie certainly wasn't an average girl. He and Annie got along very well and had many things in common, but also had lots of opposing and complementary traits.
Annie was the type of girl he could wife, and Jeff Winger doesn't wife girls; the last time he wifed a girl it ended with not one, but two girls confessing their love for him in a room full of people.
As much as he tried to suppress those lurid thoughts in his head, he would be lying if he told you that he never entertained the prospect of a purely sexual relationship with her, and he always figured that it was possible. Now he knew for certain it was.
He tossed and turned and tried to sleep, but after forty-five minutes of anguish, he knew that it wouldn't happen…how the hell was he supposed to sleep after what had just happened?
Five days later…
Jeff pulled out his phone and prepared to send a text to Annie E…not long ago, or at least it seems so, she was 'Young hot brunette spanish'. He chuckled to himself.
[Jeff] Coffee in an hour?
A minute and a half passes before he gets a response.
[Annie E.] Sure!
He waits a few minutes to get back to her…
[Jeff] Cool, same place as before.
Her response is instantaneous.
[Annie E.] Ok :)
Aw, what the hell…emotapenis!
[Jeff] 8=========
[Annie E.] Hahahaha you're so cute!
Jeff Winger was about to enter some pretty dangerous turf; the type of thing that makes the high wire act he ran as a fake lawyer for years look like a Sunday stroll through the park. He weighed the pros and the cons over the past four days, at first it was 'absolutely not, she's 20!', later it became 'no…but then again, I do catch myself checking her out more and more, and she did come to me so…' and then finally 'if it's purely sexual and I can't hurt her or get too close…really, why not?'
Ultimately, he was leaning towards giving in to Annie; not wholly for superficial and selfish reasons (though he did wonder if she still used Bubbleberry lip gloss and if her skin still felt like silk), but because Annie…Little Annie Adderall, who had never once let him down and had always been there with a kind word and a smile, wanted him to. He wouldn't avoid her like he did the summer after they kissed at the Tranny Dance, he would give her an answer; she at least deserved that.
But even still, Jeff Winger may have been a whore, but he wasn't a slut; no-strings-attached sex with a gorgeous 20 year old was a whole different scene than a relationship with a gorgeous 20 year old; one involved touches and sensation and sweating, the other involved feelings and investment and emotions. Two totally different ballgames, and in the former Jeff was a first-ballot hall of famer…in the latter he was bush league.
He wasn't going to make it easy on her, and as he slid into his immaculate one-button fog-grey bespoke suit with the ketchup-red interior liner, he was going to make sure he tortured her a little bit first. There was so much more at stake here than anything he had ever done with anyone in the study group, and if she really wanted this, then he figured that she would be willing to work for it. He made sure to grab the small red gift-wrapped box with the blue bow that sat on his coffee table before leaving.
He saw Annie sitting in the same booth that they had chatted in a month prior, wearing a fetching yellow dress with a low-cut neck and a small daffodil necklace. Her smile lit up like fireworks when she saw him and she jumped up to wrap him in an embrace, which he returned fully. She said something about being 'So happy to see him!' in her 'Everything is super fluffy and swell!' voice before he sat down. She regarded the small red box in his hand as he placed it on the table and slid it to her, past the coffee that she had ordered for him.
"Aww, a gift!" She squealed with glee as she took it and held it, feelings its weight; "Is it a sexy gift?" She smiled lecherously.
"You could say that." He said coolly as he splayed his legs out the side of the booth. Jeff was jazz-man cool today, which was unusual because around Annie he so rarely was, and he thought he knew why; Annie had offered herself to him, therefore any sexual tension had been thrown out the window, and between him and Annie there was tons of sexual tension.
He liked it; he was getting his jam back. He watched as she peeled the ribbon and removed the red wrapping, revealing a white box. She looked at him and he indicated for her to open it. It only took a few seconds for her tiny, nimble fingers to remove the scotch tape holding it shut. She opened the box and looked into it questioningly.
"That would be a digital pen, it'll let you scan handwriting and transfer it to your computer…I figured you'd like it."
"Je-effff!" She squeed as she smiled brightly, "This is so awesome! Now I can transcribe my notes to my computer right from class in half the time it takes me to type them, yay!"
Oh yeah, she actually yelled 'Yay!'. A few more seconds of revelry and elation ensued before she set it aside and looked at him with a smoldering look that he saw was new in her arsenal…he liked that too.
"You look hot." Was the first thing to come out of her mouth.
"You dig the suit?" He asked, even if he already knew the answer.
"There's just something sexy about a man in a suit." She answered truthfully.
"130 women agree…" He joked with her, catching a small eye-roll when he mentioned that number, "You look really nice too."
She blushed and let out a cutesy 'Aww!', before leaning in to kiss him on the cheek…and then on the side of the mouth…and then right on his mouth. He pulled himself away from it when he felt her tongue trying to part his lips.
"Whoa Annie, whoa whoa!" He said startling her back, where those magic eyes became immediately downcast and sad, "Uh oh, the rejection speech…'You're sweet and cute but a little young for me'…'You're a bit too tightly wound and crazy'…'You're a lot of fun to flirt with and ogle but too innocent to sleep with'…this was a horrible idea, I'll just…"
She went to rise again, but Jeff once more forcefully grabbed her hand and pulled her back into the seat, "Who's rejecting you? Did I say I'm rejecting you? You need to stop always jumping to conclusions...you're bad at that."
Those eyes lit up one more time and he could see her pupils dilate; she leaned forward and placed her chin in her hands as she looked at him and waited for him to speak. He had memorized exactly what he would say.
"Annie, other than my Mom, you are the only woman in my life that has never let me down." He began a signature Winger speech, "You're so positive and happy and you work so hard, and for what? A 4.0 GPA at a low-end school to drive home in a K-car to your crappy apartment? And I know you live at home now, I was using it to make a point. If this, me, is really and truly what you want, then I won't refuse you. You came at me like an adult and went after what you wanted, and I respect that."
"Oh Jeff!" She cried and leapt forward again, planting tiny kisses on the side of his face and neck. He could only smile as he gently pried her away.
"But…I'm not just some slut that when I say go you get to go go go."
"130 women says you are…" She blushed.
"Not the point." He smoothed the fabric of his suit, "If you want to play in this league, then there are rules, there is one thing you need to do before I consider letting this happen…"
"Sure, anything!", and he got the feeling that she would do anything for him. He so rarely felt that. Remember; man is evil.
"That Digital Pen I just gave you…"
"I LOOOOOVE it!" She sighed dreamily.
"What I need you to do is go home, upload the software, learn how it works…and then I need you to get a certain page out of Abed's notebook and email that information to me before we can take this further."
"Which page?" She asked innocently.
"You know which page, Annie." Jeff took a sip of coffee, "The one that charts you and Shirley and Britta's…flow days."
Annie looked offended and taken aback, she had a full clip of tears in the chamber ready to be shot like bullets, "Don't you trust me?"
He reassuringly put his hand on hers across the table, "Annie, I trust you more than most people, but it's been established that I trust most people as far as I can kick them…"
"Yeah but…it's me!"
"Yeah, and you smashed my head off a desk, screwed me out of a free fake credit and showed everyone my 'Real World' tape." He said with a slight touch of bitterness, "Do I trust you? Absolutely, but do I trust your impulses? Do I trust you when all logic goes out the window? That's a different question altogether…"
The next few moments were spent in silent contemplation, with intermittent sips of coffee in between.
"Why do you need to know this, and why can't I just tell you?" She was the first to speak.
"Because I've had enough past scares where girls lied or omitted information…not saying you would, but it has and does happen…and knowing when Shirley cycles after she has the baby so I can keep away from her, that's valuable information that I can use. She gets violent and extra guilt-inducing."
Annie emitted a surprised gasp.
"And also certain things can happen at a certain time of the month…and just before a certain time of the month…"
"What do you mean?" She innocently asked.
Jeff sighed, "Annie, for this to be not at all weird, I can't treat you with kid gloves, so I'm just going to come out and say it; if this happens, and somehow a Winger bun gets put into your tiny Annie oven, I'm not having any part of what comes next, and then we couldn't be friends anymore and you wouldn't get to grow up to be a Senator or a CEO…and neither of us wants that."
Annie sat there with her mouth agape.
"But you'd use a…" She started, but couldn't say 'condom', "…thing, right?"
"Only 98% effective…that may be a good enough grade for you, but not me, not this time." He answered quickly.
Being totally honest, he didn't even want to use a condom; condoms suck, they can get expensive, as of last month he is totally clean (Annie was as well, obviously) and if she wasn't ovulating there was no chance of pregnancy...and okay, part of it is the following equation; a tiny 20 year old virgin minus condom is equal to or greater than best feeling ever (what do you know? Math can be useful!), but he knew that she would probably be freaked out if he didn't…oh well.
"How?" She asked a minute later.
"Abed is having a movie night tomorrow, you can do it there."
"Yeah but Abed is like the bad guy in Lord of the Rings, he'll know; he sees everything!"
Jeff sighed with exasperation one more time, "Annie, you came at me about this whole thing. Not that I'm not a little curious, but if this is going to happen then it's on you."
Disney Face…ready for deployment…lip quivering…eyes beginning to flutter…
"Don't even think about it!" Jeff pointed at her and she stopped instantly and smiled gently; she liked when he was a little stern with her…she liked it a lot, "You're a very smart girl, you don't need me to do all the planning for you. Just wait until everyone falls asleep."
She sat up straight again and put her formidable face on, "Okay…I can do this!"
"I know you can."
The Next Evening…
Annie sat behind her computer as the status bar finally filled up. She smiled as she restarted her machine when it was indicated, and a few minutes later it sprang back to life. She opened the top of the pen and saw the USB prong, and readied to plug it into her computer, but she stopped…
"I should make sure it works…" She assured herself. She reached for one of her college-ruled notebooks and pulled out one of the back pages and pressed the end of the pen to it.
Mrs. Jeff Winger…Mrs. Jeffrey Winger…Mrs. Annie Winger… she wrote in perfect, flowing cursive. She scanned the side of the pen over her dainty handwriting and pressed the button on the back of the pen. A light came on, and when she went over her writing, she pulled the top of the pen off again and plugged it into her USB port. She opened the software that came with the pen, clicked 'Upload' and, after less than three seconds, she saw her handwriting, right there on the screen in front of her. She smiled and clapped gently in her chair as the device worked. Just then she got a text.
[Abed] When are you coming by?
[Annie] I'll be there in about an hour.
After splashing on a quick spritz of peachberry body spray and leaving her house, Annie was trying to formulate her plan; wait until everyone falls asleep and get to the notebook…did Abed even sleep? She wasn't sure. She remembered when he dressed as Batman that he said he never sleeps, and she wouldn't be shocked to find out this was true.
She was well rested, but she usually went to bed around 10 and woke up at 5:30, almost every day, and it was already 6:15. There was no way she'd make it past 10:30, 11 at the most. She needed an edge.
Later on the drive over it hit her like a cement truck as she passed a liquor store; she remembered a slumber party she had with Britta last year. Britta drank Vodka, but one sniff of it almost made Annie vomit. Britta was drinking, and poor Annie didn't want to make her feel like a sad lonely drunk, so Britta told her to grab a beer from the fridge. She surprisingly enjoyed it; a little bitter but crisp and bubbly, and nice when it was cold. She had one, and then another, and the next thing she remembered, she was woken up the next morning staring at Britta's ceiling with drool dried on the side of her mouth; the beer didn't get her drunk, it just made her really sleepy.
She pulled into the parking lot and looked through her wallet for just a second (Annie always knew exactly where everything was in her purse) before she found it; capricious Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi, Texas, she of likely bad credit and the unfinished mermaid tattoo; she knew that she probably shouldn't have the ID, but she kind of enjoyed getting to use the Southern accent, the chance to be someone else. Putting on her best formidable face, she walked into the store, and seconds later returned to her car with a twelve-pack of MGD. She smiled to herself triumphantly as she got into her car and continued to Abed's dorm at Greendale.
She arrived and saw Abed, Troy and Shirley, all seated on the couch, ready to watch the movie.
"Annie!" Shirley squealed with joy as she rose to hug her, "And you have beer? I'm…kinda surprised and shocked…"
"Oh you know…my parents are out of town and I figured Troy and Abed wouldn't mind." She said assuredly, "I might have one."
"Annie just moved from annoying to awesome!" Troy said as he rose and gave her a hug.
"I appreciate the beer…" Abed said as he scrutinized her with his gentle and mysterious eyes, damn him, "It's a little out of character for Annie…but it's also free beer, so its character development I can get behind."
"Aww, thanks Abed!" Annie said happily as she rose to hug him, "So which movie are we watching?"
"Kickpuncher 5: Codename Dickpuncher" Abed answered rapid-fire, "You can put those beers in my fridge over on the far wall."
"Codename Dickpuncher? That sounds like one of those films I caught Elijah and Jordan watching on Cinemax at 3 AM one night Abed…" Shirley said with concern.
"No, it's legitimate." Abed assured her, "Not as so-bad-its-good as Kickpuncher: Detroit, but still, great campy dialogue and under-budgeted action scenes with a paper-thin story. We'll have lots to make fun of."
"Do you want one?" Annie asked as she placed the case into the vacant fridge, which contained only some milk, a few pieces of chocolate and a half-opened bag of pretzels. She saw a black notebook beckoning her from his desk out of the corner of her eye,
Abed looked at her askew; he was definitely sensing a disturbance in the force, "Sure, why not…it's movie night."
Annie 'yayyyyed!' to herself inside her mind.
"I'll have one too!" Troy yelled with gusto, "My girl Tracy said I was like a beer once, because I'm bubbly and refreshing!"
"You sure it's not because you're cool and black?" Annie asked.
Troy looked shocked, "That's racist, Annie!"
"Grab me one too!" Shirley said gleefully, "My sister is watching the boys; one or two beers can't hurt…Everything in moderation, like Jesus said…"
"Is Elijah doing better since he was sick?" Annie asked as she took a seat; Shirley had missed the lecture on Tuesday; apparently her eldest son decided it was a smart idea to eat a whole tube of Chocolate Chip cookie dough. Shirley got him to the hospital just in time to pull him out of his diabetic coma.
"Oh yeah, just no more sugar for a month…and he hates it." She gushed, "But it's a lot less on the grocery bill so that's nice!"
Two and a half hours later and it was darkening, and it seemed that Annie's ingenious plan had worked; she was still nursing her second beer, Troy had three, Shirley had two and Abed had three, and they were all asleep. It was adorable in fact; Shirley's head was on Troy's shoulder, and Abed lay sprawled across all of them, his feet reaching Annie's lap.
She saw his black notebook on his desk on the opposite end of the room. Ever-so-quietly she rose, making sure to hardly disturb Abed's feet. She stood quietly and reached down into her purse, removing the pen and walked over, effortlessly in the dark. She could see by the light of the moon the writing on the cover of the book; Community College Chronicles, and she flipped it open, surprised by the sound that the cover made when it hit the desk; she looked back at the couch and saw that Abed had stirred, so she stood still, sure not to wake him. After a few seconds and some adjustments he had quieted back down.
She flipped through the pages, and were she not looking for something specific, she would have gasped at how comprehensive the information it held was; remarkably accurate notes on Britta's height, weight and measurements (5'4 ½, 105 lbs., 32B-24-33) as well as her own (5'2, 97 lbs., 32C-24-32) and Shirley's (5'5, unknown, 37DD-30-37), Jeff's cologne preferences by day (Monday: Drakkar Noir, Tuesday: JP Gauthier, Wednesday: CK Man, Thursday…) and even how many miles until Pierces' next oil change was scheduled (1200 or so). When she finally got to the pages she needed, she recognized the graph by sight and held the pen over it, activating the small LED light.
A few seconds later, when she was done with the dates she closed the book. Turning around, she came face-to-chest with Abed. Even in the dark the nervous expression on her face was discernable.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Oh, just trying to see what you have in store for us on the show…" She lied unconvincingly.
He tilted his head like a sage and looked at her, "The page where I chart your menstrual cycles…that was already filmed in the bottle episode, I screened it for the group two months ago…"
"Alright, I'm changing my birth control, so I want to have an idea how my cycle will react to it." She lied even more unconvincingly.
"You aren't on birth control…"
DAMN HIM!
"Oh, I…" She sputtered
"Who is he?" He asked.
"Just someone I've met, you guys don't know him…"
"Is it Jeff?"
She dropped her mouth open, "Abed, it's not Jeff…we're just friends, and besides, me and Jeff…it wouldn't make sense, we're too far apart."
"Hmm…" Abed sighed under his breath insidiously.
"What are you insinuating?" She asked a little too defensively.
"I'm not insinuating anything Annie, though I don't think you and Jeff make no sense even in spite of the age difference. You have the 7-to-10 waist to hip ratio, youth and full, symmetrical breasts that men find desirable in a mate." He started, and continued even as she squeaked his name and awkwardly tried to cover her chest and hips at the same time, "And Jeff likewise has the dominant personality, height and high status that women find desirable."
"How does he do that!" She wondered…or spoke (gasp!)…no, it stayed in her head.
When she neither confirmed nor denied this he spoke again, "Before exams I also noticed an increase in the frequency and duration of those looks you guys share, as well as a dramatic uptick in your wearing of shorter shirts and higher heels."
"It's for the warmer weather." She said, "And who doesn't want to be taller?"
"I guess so…" He sounded unconvinced.
"If you must know, my old high-school boyfriend is back for the summer and we re-connected a few weeks ago. We're dating."
"Oh, Gay Lance?"
"Actually it's just Lance." She corrected him.
He was silent for a few seconds, "You could have just asked me for that information; I would have given it to you."
"I'm sorry Abed…I know how closely you guard the secrets of Community College Chronicles and I figured you'd say no…"
"This is a very interesting development for your character."
"I'm not a character, I'm Annie!" She stammered and stomped her foot.
"Yes, I know…" He started, "Little Annie, young Annie, 'We try not to sexualize her' Annie…wanting to be treated like an adult but not quite ready to let go of the perks of being a child."
"Abed!"
"But like a child…honest, pure…doing this to get information you probably already know…it's character development; Annie sees the world isn't all sunshine and lollipops and is in fact a place where to get by sometimes you need to be a little deceptive…long term, it's positive, and that's what I enjoy seeing."
"I should probably go…" she fake-yawned, "It's getting late."
Abed moved out of her way as she somewhat hurriedly grabbed her purse, before leaning down to plant kisses on the cheeks of the still-sleeping Shirley and Troy. She walked back to Abed and gave him a nice, long hug, before turning for the door.
"Thank you Abed…for understanding."
"No problem."
"And…could you do me a favor?"
"Sure, Annie."
"Don't mention this to anyone…the ex-boyfriend and the fact I was looking in your notebook for info about my period."
"Yeah…by the way Annie."
She was thisclose to being away, out of the woods, but he had to call her back.
"Yeah Abed?" She turned to face him, the sparse light from the hallway briefly illuminating her face.
Abed turned to his desk and in the dark, as if by some instinct, he reached into the second drawer and removed something, before walking over to her. They were a sleeve of condoms, similar to those that Nurse Jackie dispensed for free at the health center.
"Be safe." He said as he placed them into her hand, and she immediately put them into her purse.
"Thanks Abed! Goodnight!"
He took his place back on the couch after she had closed the door behind her, "She didn't lower her voice when she said 'Birth Control' or 'Period'…interesting."
Annie sped home and ran up to her room, through the darkened halls of her house and closed the door quietly behind her, ensuring not to wake her parents. When she got to her room she opened her laptop and started the program that came with the pen. She plugged the pen in and clicked 'Upload' and saw Abed's handwritten data spring up instantly.
She saw the data and did some extrapolation, adding notes where necessary; it was the end of May. She was on 4 days, therefore would be off 27, starting up at the New Moon, which was the 1st and would end the 5th. Once she made her companion notes to Abed's (eerily accurate) observations, she saved the file as '' and emailed it to and pulled out her phone.
[Annie E.] Check your inbox :)
She rose to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. Jeff texted her back when she was in there.
[Jeff] Sweet, this is huge.
She looked at the message, expecting more, and was upset when she didn't get it. She slinked into bed and immediately fell into a deep sleep, feeling relative contentment with a small mix of disappointment and paranoia. She slept deeply and soundly.