Big ups to Wikipedia for getting me the names of several minor characters.
4) Epilogue
Sunday...Pistol Pete's Paintball Pandemonium! (and UNESCO World Heritage Site)
Blue Team:
Abed (Captain)
Troy (Second-in-Command)
Jeff
Chang
Professor Duncan
Professor Whitman
Joey (White Abed)
Jenny Adams
Buzz (Comedy Club)
Derek (Comedy Club)
Red Team::
Annie (Captain)
Pierce (Second-in-Command)
Neil
Starburns
Magnitude
Paige (Lesbian Britta)
Joshua the racist groundskeeper
Coach Bogner
Professor Garrity
Linda (Comedy Club)
(Ed. Note: I would pay good money to be on a paintball team with Coach Bogner, Starburns, Magnitude and Professor Garrity)
Unable to Attend:
Britta (Out of town)
Shirley (Baby)
Andre (Baby)
Gobi Nadir (Work)
Special Agent Robin Volhers (In DC with the Vice President)
Dean Pelton ('Unspecified Engagement')
Professor Bauer (In the Congo)
Leonard (Trying to reconcile with Grandchildren)
Garrett (Allergic to almost everything in the woods)
Vicky (Babysitting)
Dr. Rich (In South America)
Professor Tavares (On vacation in Italy)
Officer Cacowski (Work)
Nurse Jackie (Spending time with his family)
Professor Sheffield (Recently had heart surgery)
Pavel (Sick)
Annie was skulking through the woods alone, stealthy in her camouflage-colored sweater and black pants with a red headband tied around her right wrist. Her pistol was drawn and held beside her temple, while her sidearm was holstered at her waist.
This time, unlike the last two times, the game was actually a lot of fun; of course it was, because unlike the last two games, there really wasn't anything at stake...no priority registration, no end-of-the-year barbecues, no Jeff and Britta having sex on the study table...Annie tried to place that thought out of her mind as quickly as she could.
No, this was a fun game; the study group (minus Shirley, she was taking care of the baby, and Britta, who was in Vancouver), a few outsiders and even some Greendale faculty, just shooting the hell out of each other on a beautiful day in the woods...it was a lot of fun.
Abed made the teams when everyone arrived an hour earlier, and these woods were huge so no last-man-standing, it was team play; after three hours a siren will sound ending the game, and the team with the most remaining men left wins. Her and Jeff had been placed on different teams, and she didn't really know how she felt about this; sad because she couldn't be with Jeff, or happy because Abed sees everything and she has quite a few tells? It was somewhere in between, she wanted to be teamed up with him, but it's too early for the group to find out about them.
After sleeping with Jeff for the first time, she was shocked that he had let her stay the night, but it was a good kind of shock; like when you put your money into the vending machines in the cafeteria and you get two candy bars instead of one. They had sex again in the morning (and it hurt about ten times less than the first time), then Jeff took her for breakfast, and they had sex one more time when they got back (and it was starting to feel really good); he commented that she was getting better and better at it and she countered by gently slapping him on the shoulder. Since her parents sounded controlling and judgmental, he made sure to let her take a shower and brush her teeth before she left.
She had to call her parents and tell them that her and Shirley were going for lunch, which they accepted...but her ruse forgot to account for one thing; why exactly had she done her hair and worn a sexy black dress if she was just going out for lunch with a Christian housewife? Her mother screamed at her until she was almost in tears, calling her a whore and a strumpet, but her lie of unwillingly getting set up on a blind date by Shirley seemed to hold water, and her mother apologized profusely once Annie assured her that nothing funny had happened.
She was actually planning to go over to his place after the game and anticipated post-game drinks today. This time she let her parents know that the paintball game was an all-day affair and that she was staying in the dorms with Abed (Mr. and Mrs. Edison have met Abed numerous times and they love him...they also know that he's Abed and trust him around their young daughter).
She stalked along the edge of a small ravine with a narrow creek at the bottom. Annie loved the summertime; it was warm, the birds and the flowers were out and everything just kind of moves slower...but most of all, there's something about the way that the air smells in the evening that she really loves; like rain and perfume, it was magical.
She followed the ravine to where the creek ended at a medium-sized clearing...she knew she had to be careful, somewhere out there was Chang and his scope. She stopped at the edge and looked forward; everything seemed so perfect and Disney-like; a hummingbird flitted about just a few feet from her, looking for nectar, a few Monarch butterflies hovered in the air and bird-calls rang and resonated throughout the clearing, but the center of the action was right near the middle of the field; a Doe, regal and elegant, standing over a white-spotted fawn that struggled to rise to its feet. She smiled and let out a silent 'Aww!'.
As she let herself get lost in the serenity of the woods, she felt a cold piece of plastic press gently against her temple, and her eyes widened in fear.
"Nice little scene, isn't it?" She heard a familiar male voice in her ear, feeling its hot breath against her neck. A rush of color flowed to her face. As if set up, the deer both ran from the scene.
"Oh come on, Jeff!" She turned to face him. He looked amazing, as always; a tight, green camo tee shirt and dark blue jeans that flowed all the way down to his large black boots, and his face was decorated with that typical cocky but wry smile. Now that she had seen him naked, she would never be able to look at him the same way again, and he knew it, seeing her face flush and her pupils dilate to twice their normal size. A small, blue headband was tied around his left bicep.
"Yeah, that's right...I set up the animals, and I followed you to the clearing." He said abruptly. She narrowed her eyes.
"Really...the animals?"
"You didn't see the fawn wink at me?"
"No, I didn't."
"Well it did!" Jeff joked back. A second passed between them.
"I think they're cute." She said; of course she did.
"Yeah...Drop your gun."
Annie complied, and a moment of deafening silence happened between them before Annie spoke.
"So what...you're just going to take out an unarmed, innocent girl like this?" She said formidably.
"Unarmed, yes, but innocent? Objection!" He asked askew; he loved using his lawyer-speak. "On Saturday, some of the things you not only allowed, but requested, would make Charlie Sheen blush."
"Irrelevant!" Annie answered defiantly, "And you liked it!"
"I'd actually say I loved it, but I'm roaming." she smiled coquettishly as he answered.
Jeff looked away, not quite sure what to think; this was a fun game, after all...no prizes, just a group of friends hanging out...and he really liked the way she looked in those pants.
He hesitated long enough for her to remove her sidearm faster than a serpent's strike. Now it was the two of them; Annie's pink pistol and Jeff's blue one, within inches of each other's faces.
"Really Annie?" He asked with dry sarcasm.
"You know I don't mess around." She replied.
"I know that, but what I mean is...really Annie? We're going to do this Mexican Standoff thing?"
"If you let me shoot you we can do that Mexican Halloween thing."
"Yeah, I'll pass on that." He said calmly, "I looked on Urban Dictionary, and not only do I not have a Lucho mask, but shouting 'Trick or treat!' at the moment of orgasm sounds kind of stupid. And besides, we all know how this is going to go down; we're pointing our guns at each other like this...but I'm a lot stronger than you are, so your arm is going to get tired and eventually you'll have to lower your weapon."
They intensely held each others eyes for almost a minute before Jeff noticed Annie's arm starting to tremble. Jeff seized the day and gently, but firmly grabbed her wrist and held her arm up over his shoulder. He pulled her in for a hard, intense kiss as he squeezed the trigger, sending her rounds harmlessly into the trees behind him.
When the gun was empty they separated and it fell listlessly from her hand. She pulled him back in for another kiss; this one lasted for a few minutes, and she had pushed his back up against a large tree.
"I'm not wearing panties..." She whispered seductively into his ear.
"You are learning entirely too much from Britta." Jeff snarked back, as he leaned in to kiss her soft lips again. His hands roamed up and down her taut, nubile body as they continued to kiss for a few more minutes, their kisses slowly getting deeper and more passionate.
"Take me!" She ordered.
"Here!" Jeff asked incredulously.
"Yes!", and she kissed him hard again. He felt her tiny hands trying to work their way past his belt and into the front of his pants.
"Aren't you coming over later?" He said between her assaults on his mouth and groin.
"I don't care...I want you right here, right now..."
He was really struggling to resist the situation, and his mind was slipping into sex mode, "We're in the game, Annie."
She stopped as she realized that he was right as they broke apart, but her eyes flashed just for a quick second; Jeff knew that face; she had an idea. She ducked down to grab the gun Jeff had made her drop, and reached to grab his. Quickly and ruthlessly, she shot Jeff with the pink pistol, leaving a red blob of paint on his stomach, and shot herself in the leg with the blue pistol, leaving a blue mark.
"Now we're out of the game." She said breathlessly.
"I've created a monster..." Jeff said with a smile as she leaned in to kiss him again.
"How does it look out there, General?" Abed asked Troy, who was looking through a large set of powerful binoculars.
"Well, I can see Chang has set up shop in a large oak tree two hundred meters due southwest, and it looks like...yeah that would be Pierce and Starburns, about to walk into his..."
He saw as Chang unloaded a full clip of paintballs, almost covering the two wayward men from head to toe in blue paint. A faint but audible 'El Tigre CHINO! The ULTIMATE ambush predator!' was heard resonating in the distance. A flock of birds retreated into the air from the adjacent trees.
Abed and Troy had taken control of an old spy tower that was built amidst several low-lying buildings. In addition to being a paintball battlefield (and inexplicably also a UNESCO World Heritage Site), the land that Pistol Pete's stood on had served as a training facility for the army during the Korean War; many of the old buildings strewn about the woods used to be barracks, and were now integrated into the arena.
"Where's Winger?" Abed asked as Troy continued to survey the battlefield.
"Last I saw he was heading parallel to the ravine in the north and...wait...is that...? OH MY GOD!" Troy said in a pure state of shock.
"What do you see?" Abed asked as he rushed to Troy's side.
Troy looked through the binoculars again, just to make sure that his mind wasn't messing with him, and sure enough he saw it; it looked like a light-colored rock...but it moved. When it moved, a mass of delicate brown hair moved with it, and underneath the canopy of that delicate brown hair were two faces that he knew very well; one was the soft, gentle face of Annie Edison...and the other was the striking but also somewhat feminine face of Jeff Winger, and as their lips connected, he saw one of Jeff's large hands move to the side of her face. He made the same shocked, slightly scared face he did when he met LeVar Burton.
"Let me take a look." Abed said calmly as he grabbed the binoculars from Troy and looked to the north. He saw it too; Jeff and Annie...naked...together.
"Wow, he cleans up during paintball games..."
"It all makes sense now...the menstrual cycles, the peachberry spray, the way she's loosened up lately..." Abed said as he lowered the binoculars from his eyes and passed them back to Troy, "We shouldn't be looking at this."
"Yeah...you're right." Troy said slowly...but even as he did, as if drawn by reverse gravity, he felt his left hand slowly but steadily raising the binoculars back to his face.
"Troy, are you still there?" Abed asked as Troy continued to spy on Jeff and Annie. He lowered the binoculars and turned to Abed, who saw that he had a slightly disconcerted look on his face.
"Is everything alright?" Abed said.
"It's just...I REALLY should have hit that when I had the chance." He said with remorse.
"Yes, you really should have." Abed said coldly.
"Dude, not the answer I was looking for. I regret not noticing her every day..."
"I'm sorry, I'm not good at that." Abed said, "But Annie was in love with you...and she's not the type of girl you just fool around with. Sure, you would have gotten to sleep with her and it probably would have been lots of fun, but in the end it would have failed; she would have wanted more than you could have given her, and she'd end up hating you for it."
"Yeah..." Troy removed his phone from his front pocket.
"What are you doing?" Abed asked quizzically.
"I'm going to text Jeff and tell him that I can see his wiener." He answered quickly, but Abed reached over stealthily and grabbed the phone, "Hey!"
"Troy, this isn't any of our business." He said slowly, "Jeff, while he acts all cool and like nothing phases him, would be furious and embarrassed if you did that, he has a fragile ego and he doesn't like to be judged...not saying that you or I would judge, in fact I think it kind of works, but you know that Britta and Shirley would. Annie is almost the opposite; young, precocious, child-like in appearance and demeanor."
"We have different definitions of 'child-like', how many children do you know with a D-cup?" Troy jested.
"I go shopping with her the odd time, they're actually C's...pretty nice." Abed continued, "If I had to guess, she made the first move here, and if the group finds out they're just going to assume that Jeff took advantage of her because of her youthful naivete...and she really doesn't like it when we do that."
Troy looked satisfied with Abed's logic. "Yeah, you're right..." He turned his binoculars to the south, "Magnitude coming in from the south."
Abed raised his pistol and ducked, looking south through one of the ramparts. Once his gun was pointed precisely at the young one-man party, he squinted. With his pistol trained on him, he fired three rapid, successive shots, closing his eyes as he squeezed the trigger.
"You got him." Troy answered, seeing Magnitude stagger back as his black and purple cardigan was now stained with blue paint.
"Pop pop indeed, Magnetic Attitude..."
Jeff and Annie sat up together in unison; her eyes were glazed over and her skin was flushed from head to toe, while all the color was drained from his face, except for the whites of his teeth, revealed in a wholly satisfied smile.
"You're never going to stop surprising me." He said in a breathy voice to Annie who was beside him.
"Maybe you're just so good I don't want to stop surprising you." She said softly as she leaned in to kiss him while simultaneously pulling the cups of her bra back in place.
"What time is it?"
Annie looked at her watch, "The game should end in about five minutes, we should probably get back to the base camp...separately!"
"So we can be more reproductive?" He said with a laugh, she pouted and gently punched him.
"Do you think anyone saw anything?" She asked nervously; in spite of how liberated and carefree she had been in the last few days, Jeff was glad to know that in there, a part of her still remained intact.
"Who cares?" He said as he leaned in to kiss her.