A/N: Ergh it took me a while to write this chapter. Sleep deprivation and going out with mates is what has been stopping me. I found it really difficult to write as Joker seeing as four years can change anyone, so I wasn't sure about how I wanted to portray him. Hmm. Review letting me know what you think :) Constructive criticism only please xD This chapter was inspired by The Lonely Shepard by Gheorghe Zamfir from The Kill Bill soundtrack :)

I do not own Bioware's awesomeness and I do not own Kill Bill (But I secretly wish I did)

"Shepard?" Joker slurred. Both of his palms gripped his end of the bar, he was either tipsy from the beverage he just drank or understandably overwhelmed with who he saw before him.

"Bingo," she uttered folding her arms in a dominantly.

Joker began shaking his head in disbelief. "No…no Shepard is dead. She's been dead for four years," he stammered.

Shepard stood up from her seat agitated that Joker was being so dismissive. The lighting inside the bar was dim, perhaps he was having trouble getting a good look at her. Shepard placed one leg on the bar swiftly throwing her other leg on.

Joker froze. "What are you doing?"

Shepard pulled herself along the cold surface, sliding off into the bar area where Joker stood and came face to face with him.

She basked under the the neon lights, that reflected a deep scar across her neck just under her ear. A scar that Akuze marked her with.

Joker swallowed hard.

"You mentioned something about your quarters," she jabbed.

Joker scanned his surroundings before nudging his head towards a back door. Shepard eagerly followed him up the stairs towards a deserted room away from the hustle and bustle of the crowds. Joker unlocked the worn out door and entered with Shepard right behind him.

At a glance his place didn't look as bad as Shepard had expected. It was large enough with a window that presented her with a view of the rough district, a double bed which was secluded from the rest of his den and a cabinet that was filled to the brim with alcoholic beverages. Joker caught Shepard eyeing it.

"Drink?" he asked casually grabbing himself two beers from his fridge.

"Sure," Shepard replied catching a beer chucked in her direction.

Joker limped towards the couch gesturing for her to sit as he took a large satisfying swig of the golden liquid.

"I never knew you was such a heavy drinker," Shepard commented as she toyed with her can.

He gave a dry laugh that made him pause his actions for a split second. "Yeah well, people change."

Shepard flinched slightly from his retort.

A cruel silence fell between them before Joker broke it by aiming his can for the trash dispenser. He stretched out his arms and sank his body back into the material couch.

"Where were you?" he asked curtly.

"I was in coma," Shepard answered. She had enough of the "I thought you were dead" bullshit the last time she had died, but she owed him an explanation.

"How? What happened? One minute you go on a mission, next thing I know you disappear of the face of the galaxy…justify that!"

Joker was no longer relaxed. His body had tensed up symbolically presenting his anger.

Shepard attempted to defend herself from his verbal attacks. "It's hard to expla-"

"Bullshit! I got debriefed on the guy you got sent to take down. He was nothing compared to the psychos you have fought; Saren, Sovereign, the Geth, Harbinger, the Collectors…there was no way that batarian put you in a coma for four years."

Joker spoke the truth. The batarian she was sent to take down was a petty thug. Some idiot who had gotten himself way too involved with a Reaper artifact. Nothing more nothing less.

"You wouldn't believe me if told you," Shepard said bluntly.

She took her eyes off Joker and settled for staring at the mystical lights scattered outside in the streets, and yet she could still see that he looked pissed off albeit weak at the same time from her peripheral vision. He had changed.

"Try me," he offered suddenly.

Shepard turned her head back to face him. She fidgeted on the couch trying to get comfortable and let out a deep sigh for what was about to pour out from her mouth.

"Garrus…he….he shot me."

Joker read her expression, the way she struggled to speak, the way she had to close her eyes in an attempt to centre herself…

"You're serious aren't you?" he whispered in horror.

Shepard nodded in response.

Joker's breath hitched, he was going to need another drink for this. He reached for a warm beer he had opened this morning and forgot about. It wouldn't be the best beverage in the galaxy but it would have to do. He slowly slurped the liquid already flinching at the after-taste.

"Shepard…" he breathed trying to find a way to word what he was thinking. "It's not that I don't believe you but, Garrus seemed pretty upset when you didn't return from the mission. He never left the Normandy, after a month of trying to find you he accepted that you died and began mourning."

"I said that he was the reason I was in a coma. After the mission was complete it was my choice to not return to the Normandy. Eight months later he found me," she explained.

"Why?" Joker voiced waving his arms slightly to emphasise his point. "Why didn't you come back?"

Tears welled up in Shepard's eyes with strong momentum. As she rubbed her stomach gently Shepard was struck again with how much she had actually lost to the hands of her turian.

"I was pregnant," she whimpered biting back the bile that was building up inside her throat.

The beer in Joker's mouth was quickly sprayed across his floor. "What?"

Crap she thought as the tears uncontrollably washed down her face.

Shepard tilted her head down to focus on the floor now covered in warm beer. She could feel Joker's eyes fixated on her. His lips were parted ready to speak but no words would come out, he couldn't handle things like this. As Joker's mouth clamped itself shut he began to wish that he had never started this conversation. Curiosity always got the better of him.

"Is that why Garrus shot you?" Joker asked, stuck in a sudden moment of word vomit. "Because you got with someone else and managed to get knocked up?"

Hatred consumed Shepard as she switched her face back towards him. Her eyes were penetrating through his shields like daggers.

"He was the fucking father Joker! I didn't sleep with anybody else. I loved Garrus. He was a turian but God damn it I fucking loved him! And he…and he took my baby, our baby away from me."

From what Joker could see, Shepard was telling the truth. Although his brain was mainly filled with knowledge of ships and piloting, even he knew that turian and human DNA were incompatible. It occurred to him that maybe she was trying to justify what she did by saying Garrus was the father…he didn't know what to make of the situation.

"Shep, how is that even possible?" Joker questioned in a drained voice. This conversation was an emotional wreckage for him. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like for her.

Shepard sat upright relaxing her shoulders. "I didn't believe it myself at first…" she began. "I found out straight after the mission, so before going back to the Normandy I met up with Mordin in his new clinic…he ran a lot of tests, he told me that there was always a chance that turian and human couples could conceive. If I remember correctly he explained how the chances were like one in a billion." She gave a sour chuckle at the fact that it was her of all people it happened to.

Joker wanted to speak, but kept his lips sealed. He would only end up saying something stupid. Instead he bored his eyes into her, gesturing for Shepard to continue her story.

Shepard took a well deserved deep breath. "Mordin also explained to me the outcome of my pregnancy if I saw it through. He told me how the child could be born with physical defects and suffer from a weak immune system which would prevent him from living till his third birthday." She shook her head. "That's when he gave me an ultimatum…he said how after eight months a small procedure could alter the child physically."

"I don't get it," Joker said confused.

Shepard sucked the in air sharply. "After eight months he could genetically alter the child. The baby could be born either turian or human. Either way the child will contain traits from both parents but the modification would let the child be excepted in society, he would live a healthy life. Nobody would know he was mixed race."

"Fuck," Joker blinked. "What did you decide?"

Shepard bit down on her lip hard. "My plan was to keep the baby and have him born human. But…that wasn't entirely the reason I didn't tell Garrus. The reason was that…well I guess I was scared. Scared that he wouldn't want me to have the child - even if he was born a turian. Plus I didn't want this life for my baby." She flung her arms in the air to mark her gesture. "I am the greatest warrior in the galaxy. I have survived things that would kill most people, you want the impossible done and i'll do it. But when Mordin confirmed that I was pregnant, Commander Shepard left. All I cared about was the safety of my child. The Reapers...the Normandy…Garrus…nothing fazed me anymore. I didn't want that life for my child, and I knew nobody would understand my actions. So… I left."

"You could of come back, we would have understood!" Joker protested with a mournful look on his face.

Shepard chuckled darkly to herself and took a sip of her untouched beer. She personally couldn't understand why Joker drank the stuff by the gallons, it tasted like shit.

She scrunched her face at the vile taste drenching her throat. "Your telling me that if I had come back to the Normandy everybody would have said, congratulations and be fine with me leaving the Reaper threat to someone else while I continue my own life? Do you think Garrus would have jumped at the chance to be a father and leave the life he loved so much?" she argued.

Joker wanted to fight back but what could he say? Shepard was right. Nobody would have understood her reasons. If she had come back and said she was leaving, her name would have gone down as betraying them and what she believed in. That's when it dawned on him.

"Shepard, where is the kid? I mean I can clearly see you not pregnant now and -"

Shepard looked back at the floor and began shaking. Before he knew it he was holding her in his arms tightly while she sobbed into his shoulder. He already knew the answer before she spoke.

"He's gone Joker, he's fucking gone. My baby…" she wept heavily letting out painful cries.

Joker didn't like awkward situations like this, but right now Shepard needed him. At that moment he felt he had asked her enough questions. Commander fucking Shepard in his arms crying her eyes out. How could Garrus do this to her, what possessed him?

"The day after the wedding rehearsal...I was suppose to go see Mordin so he could give me the treatment. One fucking day away…oh God and not to mention Kaiden!"

Joker tensed up, Shepard felt his reaction to her words. She had forgot to mention the news to him. How could she be so selfish, Kaiden was one of his best friends.

Joker whispered his words in a concerned tone knowing her wasn't going to like what he was about to hear. "What's Kaiden got to do with this?"

Shepard clutched his shoulder tightly, preparing for Joker to push her away. "He…he was the man I was going to marry. I bumped into him when I was 3 months pregnant. He said-" Shepard let out another wail. "He said he still loved me, he said he would take care of me, help me look after the child. He didn't care that he wasn't the father…I never told him that the child was half turian but it was information he didn't need to know and would never find out once I had been to see Mordin. Now he's…he's dead because of me!"

Joker was fuming and felt a surge of pain from the news he had been struck with. He wanted to scream at her, do something to vent out his frustration. Instead he ended up clinging to Shepard even more. He nuzzled his face into her neck, breathing into her ear words that she desperately needed to hear.

"Shepard it's not your fault. You couldn't have known."