"Understand yet, Near?"

I certainly did not.

I stared in bewilderment at Mello, my face still flushed, breath still too fast. He continued to watch me, amuzment prominent on his face. We stared into each other eyes for a long time, both of us trying to read the other. I was trying to figure out why in the world Mello would kiss me. He was trying to figure out what I thought of said kiss.

We both came up blank.

Suddenly, I was unable to stand feeling his hand on my chin; the skin there burned, like his flesh was electrocuting me. I yanked my face away from him and exhaled deeply, struggling to regain my composture.

Mello allowed me to, he sat back away from me, his mischeivious eyes still following me.

My mind raced, I searched furiously through the evidence of his actions, willing it all to make sense, but my thoughts were still jumbled from the kiss.

Think! I yelled at myself. Think!

Okay. Kisses. Used to express emotiions like love. Lust. Comeradery perhaps. Also they are required in some etticute.

We used no such edicute. That was out.

Comeradery. I highly doubted it. He considered me a rival. We were not comrads as such. I was certain of that.

Lust. ...I had never known Mello to be controlled by such emotions. He'd never ...relieved... himself into any girls, and certainly not any boys. So that was out.

That left only one option.

Love.

The word made my heart start thudding again. I didn't know why. I forced myself to think again. Was that possible? Evidence, evedence.

Lets see. He had previously displayed signs of affection. Minor ones.

1. when I was 'alseep' - he had tenderly spoken to me and carassed my face

2. when I was hit by Watari, he seemed the most distraught by my pain.

had gone with Watari to the hospital even though it wasn't nessisary, just to see if I was okay.

'd punnished (in what he thought was a fair way) the boy who'd gotten me hurt

5. The kiss...

But wait...

If we wighed these actions as crimes... His M.O... was completely off...

With the first four actions, the suggestion of love is merely that; a suggestion. There's no deffinate proof that love was the motivator. Also, all his signs of affection were secritve; as if he did indeed like me, but wanted that fact to remain secret.

The last action - the kiss - completely contridicted his previous actions. There was no other explaination - as explained previously- ; it was like a declaration.

There was no way... he would just change like that... if he did truely like me, he would have continued to keep it a secret. It would be humiliating for Mello to admit that I had any power over him...

It would ruin him...

to like me...

He would hate it...

But then...

None of it makes sense!

"Why... Mello, why would you..." I was gasping for reasons unknown to me. "You don't... you couldn't... it doesn't make sense... why..."

"Near?" Mello's eyes were no longer amused. He leaned forward, seeming surprised, almost horrified. "Near, what's up with you?"

I realized, as I saw the pages in my lap being spained with water, that I was crying.

Mello saw right away; he immidiatly stood up and moved in front of me to look me in the eyes.

"Near!"

"It makes no sense!" I said loudly. I was trembling. Why did this bother me so much? It felt like I was being ripped in two... the pain of my thoughts was too much to bare. "Get out of my room," I sobbed. Completely bewhildered, Mello leaned in and took my face in one hand. The burning was worse, more inteanse. I slapped his hand away, not allowing eye contact. "Get out of my room!" I repeated, louder. "You don't make any sense at all, Mello, just get out of my room!"

He steped back as if he'd been slapped, his eyes wide

"Near," He whispered. He heistaed, then turned on his heel and left, shutting the door behind him.

I stared after him, the tears rolling down my face on their own accord. I used my good arm to wipe them away, then pressed it acorss my eyes, trying to force them to stop flowing.

What was going on? Why would Mello... why did I... what was...

My mind refused to form coherant thoughts.

All I could think about was the kiss. About how his lips felt on mine. About how tense and melty I felt. About how my heat had skipped a beat. About how amused he seemed to be by my reaction. About how confused I was.

I shook my head, hard, and sniffed, wiping my eyes again. I didn't like this. I didn't like this at all. This feeling... It was like I'd swallowed lead. I needed to calm down, to think rationally. Think, Near, just think... be emotionless, be blank... be Near...

Now. What did I need right now.

My mind immediately screamed the answer: WHY DID MELLO KISS ME? DOES HE LIKE ME?

I analyzed what I'd thought of earlier, more in depth now.

Could those actions be commited only as an act of love...?

His panic at my injuring: possibly, but there were too many contibutig factors here, panic, fear, surprise, shock. It's possible he just rushed to me without thinking. After all, he lets his emotions control him all the time.

His punnishing my asaultant: more likely, though it's also equally likely that he just wanted to release stress. And Roger ihad/i just told him that he'd be tutoring me until I healed... so maybe he just wanted someone to take his anger out on, and I was out of the question, due to my injuries; he might've just gotten his rage out on a red-head and conceiled it with chivalry.

Visting me in the hospital... he had said that no one forced him to come... But it's very possible that he'd lied, out of pride, or something of the like. MAybe he'd done something bad and coming to see me was punnishment.

Watching me sleep... that was a bit harder... I couldn't think of any reason for him do that... I saw no possible motivation... if there was no outside force... Yes, it was Mello, acting on his own...

And the most important thing to Mello was being number one.

I felt my blood freeze.

He... must've heard me... known I wasn't asleep. He knew I was awake... so he'd done something deliberate like that to mess with me, throw me off track... that's all it was...

The kiss just now was the same... nothing but agrivation, distraction, instigation, manipulation. He only wanted to beat me in a new way.

And it worked.

WHY did it work?

Why was I so upset over all those little acts of kindness? Why was I so distraught over one little kiss? Why was I so hurt over the thought of his actions meaning nothing?

Why... did I despererately want them to mean something...?

I... wanted him to like me... but why?

The answer was obvious;

Because I... liked Mello.

I slapped my hand against my forehead and groaned loudly.

Wht sense was I making! Mello had made it clear before that he absoluelt hated me, wanted nothing to do with me. So why would I...

I thought of him, of his intense eyes, of our closeness when he kissed me. Of the burning on my skin where he placed his hands.

Shut up! I told myself, giving myself a mental slap across the face. Stop thinking like that, Near!

In my mind, I heard Mello saying my name. It stabbed me through the heart.

I inhaled sharply before the tears could start up again.

...I didn't understand anything.

I spend the rest of the day alone in my room, idly flipping through my textbooks and memorizing what I needed to. It was all fairly simple. I didn't need any explainations. Which was good, because Mello didn't return.

At 6:00 Roger came in to see our progress, and asked where Mello was. I told him that I didn't need his help, so he'd gone to play with Matt. He looked disappointed, but nodded, and went to get my dinner.

I stared blankly at the door when he left, wondering just what to do now, that I didn't have any work to keep me occupied, and I really didn't want to ponder my earlier revelation just yet. Roger had offered to roll in the Tv and let me watch, but I wasn't interested. I also didn't feel like reading, for whatever reason, so that was out too.

..So, what to do.

A soft knock on my door made me look up.

"...Yes?" I said after a moment, afraid it'd be Mello. I heaved a sign of relief when the response came

"Um, Near? It's Matt. I have your dinner."

"Oh, um, yes, come in."

The door opened, and Matt walked in, balencing a tray with a bowl of soup on it on one hand, closing the door with the other. He set the tray down in my lap, then went to exit, pulling a gameboy out of his pocket. I deliberated.

"Um, Matt?"

He turned, his eyes questioning. "...Yeah?"

"...Can I watch you play, for a while?" He raised his eyebrows; I elaborated, "I don't really have much else to do."

He blinked, then shrugged. "Fine by me."

He sat on the edge of my bed and played as I ate, his fingers pressing the tiny buttons of his game with surprising speed. I was able to gather that he was playing some sort of adventure game, oither than that, I knew nothing.

He didn't say anything; I knew he wasn't especailly fond of me, but then again, he wasn't really fond of anyone, other than Mello.

...Mello.

"Um, Matt?" I asked hestantly.

"Hmm?" He didn't move his eyes from the screen. ...Maybe I should ask indirectly...

"...Are you alright?"

"...? Why do you ask?

"...You just seem off. Did important something happen...?"

"Hm? Oh, no, not really." He glanced down slightly, somehow still keeping his eyes on the screen. "It's just, Mello started acting wierd. He was supposed to bring you the food, but he asked me to instead."

"...!"

What...

"How was he acting wierd?" I asked quietly.

Matt shrugged. "He seemed really... I dunno. Conflicted. And kinda guilty, for some reason. Which is wierd, 'cuase when he get's in trouble, he never looks guilty."

Maybe... No. I wouldn't allow myself to think about that.

"How strange." I said blankly, and Matt nodded.

"Yeah. And real sulky too." He paused, then laughed. "Like a lovestruct little maiden." He shuddered. "God, don't tell him I said that. He'd murder me. Okay?"

I looked away. "...O-Okay.:"

I didn't really watch him play the rest of the time while I ate. My thoughts kept drifting back to what he'd said... about Mello being upset...

Stop! I ordered myself. It... it doesn't make sense. It's completely illogical. Just stop thinking about it.

...I couldn't.

When I finnished, Matt took my dished and left after saying goodbye. I halfheartedly wished him luck with dealing with Mello. He laughed.

...Then I was alone again.

I heaved a massive sigh, laying my head back on my pillow.

I.. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to think any more. It hurt too much.

I closed my eyes and willed the world away. Thankfully, sleep overtook my exausted mind immediatly.

...For about three hours.

My eyes snapped open, and I glanced at the clock: 11:20.

"..." I forced myself back to sleep.

...For three more hours.

1:37.

Good lord. I wasn't going to be able to stay alseep tonight, was I?

I considered using the pain medication to help me get to sleep - but the pain wasn't really that bad anymore, and I didn't want to take it without cause...

But I wanted to sleep so badly!

I propped myself up on my good arm, trying to reach my bedside table, where the bottle was, but it was too far. I streached a bit, but no good.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I suddenly heard the door start to creak open - for some reason I paniced, yanking myself back into place on my bed - and twisted my bad leg into an awkward position in the process. I cringed, trying not to make a sound, and closed my eyes. It hurt a lot, but i couldn't move.

The door edged open, and a sliver of light fell on my face.

I felt a creeping sense of de ja vu.

The door opened a tiny bit more, and somone - I'm sure I knew who it was, because the second he came in my heart started beating faster and I began to sweat - entered, shutting the door behind him.

Mello walked to my side, slowly, quietly, like before. He stood over me - or so I sensed; I still had my eyes closed - just staring at me, like before.

Then he heaved a deep sigh, like he was releasing some great burden.

"Stupid." He muttered. I heard him shuffle forward, and then his finger were wraped around my bad leg, gently easing it into a more natural position. I exhaled; that was far more comfortable. "God. How did you fall alseep like that?" He said quietly, then sighed again.

"...Why were you so upset...?" He whispered. His voice was... frustrated. Conflicted. :ike Matt had said... He inhaled slowly. "...What..." He trailed off.

He turned to leave, then hesitated.

He steped closer to me, then leaned down, over my face. I felt his hair tickle my face; his was so very close to it. I froze. He lingered over my lips a moment, then sighed, pulling back to place a small kiss on my forehead instead.

"..." He seemed to want to say something, then stopped himself. He turned, and this time, he did leave.

Once I heard the door click shut behind him, I let it out. I exhaled shakily, tears already pooling in my eyes.

"I...I don't understand... at all..."