A Piece of Cake
Chapter Two

'Je Ne Sais Quoi'

"Hey. Ronove."

"Hn?" said Ronove.

...Well, he didn't really 'say' it. Even though Ronove was 27th highest ranking earl in hell with all kinds of strange powers, even he had problems saying 'hn', which was more of a vague sound than an actual word. Even so, Ronove 'spoke' it with some degree of style that made Battler frown. Why couldn't he ever sound that suave?

Was it just something that went hand-in-hand with being a butler?

...Whatever.

Battler scowled, shaking his head. It didn't matter. Why was his mind derailing his thought process like that- taking it through completely irrelevant routes?

It had to have been a byproduct of spending so much time with Beato. Battler had been exercising his mind too hard, trying to come up with semi-passable (even if they were laughable) solutions to Beato's bizarre closed room murders- and now he was going insane.

Beato would be happy to hear that.

"Battler?~" said Ronove, voice teasing, as he waved a gloved hand before Battler's face (and since when had that damned butler become so close anyway?) "I fear your eyes are open, but your mind has drifted elsewhere."

"S-shut up," Battler muttered, pushing Ronove away.

Somehow, that scene seemed incredibly familiar. Hadn't that occurred just a few minutes ago?

"I'd be more than happy to 'shut up'," said Ronove (a complete lie, of course, considering how much he seemed to like the sound of his own voice. The small smile tugging Ronove's lips didn't do anything to help Ronove's case- if anything, it made him look even more untruthful), "but it sounded as if you were about to ask me a question. Have you forgotten it, or...?"

Somehow, that sounded like an insult. A thinly veiled 'pu ku ku~ Can't you even remember what you were going to say? Have my good looks ~distracted~ you?'

Which wasn't the case.

At all.

Battler glared at the tabletop, his face bitter, as though the wooden surface had done him some great injustice.

Battler was so used to Beato insulting him, he'd began to search for hidden insults in the words of others- even if those insults didn't actually exist.

Maybe he was getting paranoid.

...Battler still didn't like Ronove's smile, though.

"No. I know what I was going to say," said Battler, voice dark, as he glared at Ronove. "I was curious about something, and I wanted to ask you a question."

"Oh~ Curious?"

"Yes."

Battler placed his palms on the tabletop and pushed himself to his feet. He didn't like sitting down around the Ronove- or, hell, any of the demons or witches in the meta world. Somehow, sitting down made Battler feel off guard and uncomfortable; undefended. More open to attack Besides, Battler's dramatic hand gestures looked more striking when he was stood at his full height...

Which was still shorter than Ronove.

Damn.

"You guys all have weird magical demon powers, right?" said Battler, his fingers making substitute quotation marks as he spoke to suggest he didn't believe a word of it ('magical demon powers'? What nonsense…) "So why do you have to make all your food and stuff by hand," Battler gestured towards the oven in the corner and the kitchen counter littered with flour and bowls of cookie dough, "instead of using magic? It seems like such a pain."

"I don't find cooking a 'pain'," said Ronove, smiling. "It's quite enjoyable. Furthermore, if it was possible to use magic in the creation of good food, I doubt Milady would have much use for me. I'd be out of a job- which would be a pity. Pu ku ku~"

"Huh." Battler smirked, folding his arms. "Sooo... You're an 'oh-so-powerful' demon... and yet you'd prefer to spend your time baking cookies then tormenting the innocent? Really?"

"Baking is a more enjoyable past time than causing others unnecessary suffering, yes~"

Battler raised a brow. "Oh really?"

"Yes~ Human beings are quite adept at causing themselves pain and suffering anyway; I doubt they would need my help."

"Your very existence causes me unnecessary suffering."

"What a shame~ When you say things like that, Battler, it cuts me," Ronove gestured towards his chest, that teasing grin never leaving his lips, "right here."

"You'll get over it."

"I'll do my best. I can't make any promises, though."

"Pssh." Battler made a dismissive sound and rolled his eyes. Then, he stabbed a finger in Ronove's direction- for no particular reason other than it looked 'cool'. "Like I'd trust any promise you could ever make anyway."

Ronove laughed at this, pressing his fingers against his lips in his typical fashion. He moved with too much elegance, like an other-worldly creature; which, Battler supposed, he probably was.

An other-worldly creature that liked baking.

...Yeah.

Battler smirked.

When he phrased it like that, Ronove didn't seem all that intimidating anymore.

"It is rather strange," Ronove said, once his laughter had subsided (though the light-hearted humor was still evident in his words), "but- let me assure you- food created from thin air is inferior to food made by hand."

"Oh?" asked Battler, vague interest sparking across his face.

Battler had already tasted Ronove's cooking before- and he'd even waged vicious, bloody way with Beelzebub more than once trying to get at the last of the brioche (it really was to die for; and Battler very nearly had done, when Beelzebub almost poked out his eye out with one of her long fingernails). Battler had never put much thought into what he'd been eating; but when he stopped to consider it, it was... kind of interesting.

And it was relaxing, too.

Cooking was a far more cheery topic than mass murder- which was one of Beato's favorite hobbies.

Then again, Beato was a very… 'interesting' woman.

"Would you care to present some evidence for that statement?" asked Battler- speaking as though he were in court.

"Certainly~ You've already tasted my real cooking- but I'll create something comprised entirely of magic for you, if you'll care to try it. Please don't expect too much."

"Heh." Battler grinned. "You sound just like a shy maid when you said that last line."

"Does Battler like shy maids?"

"Sure- but acting humble doesn't suit you. It's kind of creepy."

"I'll keep that in mind, Master~ P-please don't be too harsh on me if I can't meet your expectations…"

Battler felt himself start at that. Ronove's voice had changed from its usual mocking, self-assured tone into something softer- shyer; and the small stutter honestly had Battler's heartbeat increasing.

IfShannonhad said something like that, well…

It would have been undeniably adorable.

A-and even though it was only Ronove speaking it- smiling, teasing Battler and trying to press his buttons- it was still far more unreasonably 'cute' than it had any right to be…

Battler shuddered. He felt his face flush red.

"S-stop that…"

"D-did I do something wrong, Master?" asked Ronove- voice filled with faux concern, as he tilted his head to one side.

That…

T-that was eerily 'sweet'- like tea with fifteen sugars, or something equally sickening.

"C-cut that out!" Battler snapped- his voice slightly stronger, more forceful, than before. "I'm serious!"

"But I can't resist. I usually have more self-control- but it's so much fun teasing you," said Ronove, with a small smile. "Your reactions are priceless~"

"Just hurry up and show me whatever you wanted to show me," said Battler, trying to sound calm; though his heart was still racing.

"Certainly."

A small cloud of butterflies appeared in Battler's outstretched hand; and, between his fingertips, there materialized a single cookie. It looked fairly safe- though Battler still looked at it dubiously, turning it over in his hands and getting a light dusting of crumbs spread across his fingers.

"Poisonous?" asked Battler, glancing up at Ronove with a small smile.

"Not this time."

"If you were Beato, it totally would be."

"That may be so- but I don't take pleasure in being needlessly sadistic. If you were to die, who would I have to amuse myself with?" asked Ronove, smiling.

"Couldn't you go, I dunno, annoy the seven stakes or something?"

"I am afraid they would kill me."

"Good point. Ihihi..."

"I doubt they would be as enraptured by my 'c-can I help you, Master?' either~ Pu ku ku~"

Battler's face flushed slightly. It was insane- and incredibly disturbing- how Ronove's voice could flit between light-hearted amusement and a soft, shy, breathy gasp so effortlessly; and Battler had to duck his head to hide his flushed cheeks.

"I-I'm not enraptured by it…"

"Of course not. I was exaggerating, of course. Pu ku ku~"

Battler surveyed the cookie for a few more seconds- before, with a shrug, he bit down and broke a piece off between his teeth.

It...

It didn't taste strange- and it certainly wasn't poisonous; but, when compared to Ronove's normal cooking...

It didn't taste right.

Battler wasn't a stranger to cooking. Most people believed- especially Jessica- that he'd be useless in the kitchen; the type who blew up cooking pots and gave himself third degree burns. That wasn't the case, though- surprisingly enough.

(Then again, maybe people also believed Battler was a complete moron, and he had quite the penchant for mystery novels. It was little different being thrown into a mystery novel himself- especially when his opponent wouldn't play fair, hid half the pieces from him until the last minute, and used 'magic' for her murders, though.

Did Battler just look stupid to the general public? Was it his hair?

…It was probably his hair.

It wasn't his fault it wouldn't lie flat, damn it!)

Battler remembered- when he'd returned to live with his dad and Kyrie and his new little sister, Ange- he'd felt somewhat guilty about skipping out on the 'big brother' duties. Ange had been a little cautious around Battler at first- but she soon began to love him, and then adore him; following Battler everywhere, and clinging onto his legs like a little red-headed limpet with pigtails.

Ange had been elated to have a 'big brother'- and Battler (having always been rather childish at heart) had quickly slipped into the role Ange expected of him. He'd combed her hair for her in the mornings and tied it into those cute pigtails; he'd read her bed time stories about princes and princesses; and, on several occasions, he'd baked cookies with her.

Somehow- although Battler didn't know how, exactly (it just seemed to be some universal rule)- the homemade cookies he'd baked with Ange were always nicer than the ones from the store.

And the magic-made cookie was...

It tasted just like the ones from the store.

The difference between the cookie comprised purely from magic and the one made by Ronove's own hands was similar to the difference between the store-bought kind and the ones Battler and Ange had created together, laughing and getting flour everywhere as they did so.

Battler pulled a face, and Ronove laughed; not bothering to stifle it this time.

"Is that a compliment towards my skills in the kitchen? Is my hand-made food better than that cookie?" asked Ronove amusedly.

Battler paused- unwilling, initially, to exchange pleasantries with Ronove; but then he decided, as he swallowed the rest of his cookie, that it didn't really matter.

Had he... ever even complimented Ronove before?

Maybe doing so would get a slightly different response from Beato's butler than outright denial would have done.

Besides, Battler did like Ronove's cooking; everybody seemed to- and it was far better than Battler's botched attempts with Ange all those years ago (but it wasn't that long at all, was it? Not really…)

"Sure," said Battler, smiling- wiping crumbs from his fingers and onto the floor. "I like yours better. There's some sort of... Something else... About them. I guess."

"Do you mean 'je ne sais quoi?'"

Battler wrinkled up his nose. "I don't speak French."

"But it's a beautiful language~"

"Yeah. For French people."

Ronove gave another soft laugh- and then, all of a sudden, that damned butler was standing too close- a-always too close... Battler tried to move away, but something about Ronove's eyes (they were so bright blue it was piercing) held Battler in place- and Battler could only glare, as Ronove's gloved fingers gently cupped his chin.

Tenderly...

Battler shuddered.

Ronove sighed softly- his breath ghosting across Battler's face- though his smile did not vanish. If anything, it grew just a little wider; a little more mischievous.

When Ronove next spoke, his voice was soft, hushed; strangely... intimate...

"Oh dear~ Is there not a romantic bone in your body, Ushiromiya Battler?"

Battler's shoulders tensed.

He felt his face turn red- a slow and painful process that made his inner self shout at him to stop being such an idiot.

"However..." Ronove continued- still speaking in those embarrassingly tender tones that made Battler feel a little light-headed, "the difference between food made by magic and food by hand would have to be... love~"

"L-love?" Battler didn't know how he managed to get those words out; it felt like his throat was constricting.

"Indeed. After all... Without 'love', it cannot be seen."

And, with an enigmatic smile, Ronove leant forwards slightly (Battler's heartbeat getting faster and faster), and then...

Battler trembled...

As he felt Ronove's fingertips brush against his lips.

"W-what...?"

"You had some crumbs stuck to your face~" Ronove explained, voice teasing. "I could have left them there- but I thought it would be kinder of me to help you. Be thankful I didn't choose to use a more inventive method to get rid of them~ You really are quite charming when you get flustered. Pu ku ku~"

Battler's left eye twitched.

His face burned redder still.

"Y-you..."

"Yes, me?" asked Ronove- amused.

Battler's shoulders shook.

"Y-you fucking weirdo!"

If that was what happened when Battler complimented Ronove-

Then Battler didn't think he'd be hurrying to do that again.

a/n: omgomgomg banter between these two characters is just the most ~fun~ thing to write ever, you have no idea.
This is why I love writing these guys together- because I love the way they seem to bounce off each other like this XDD
Also, the idea of 'big brother' Battler is just kind of adorable XD~
This fic is gonna be fairly short and rushed and yea but I'm still going to try my best to make it IC :D

Lolol I was feeling kind of depressed when I first started writing this. As soon as I began to write it cheered up me up though XDD~

~renahhchen xoxo