Chapter 8 – Reminiscence

Hermione's eyes were the first to open and for that she was glad given the position she was in. She detangled herself from Harry's sleeping form and brushed herself down. What time was it? She walked over to the heavy curtains and peered through them, stifling a small cough as the dust broke free, attacking her throat and nose. It was still dark out, but it was hard to tell how early it was due to the downpour of rain hammering on the window. She turned back to the two sleeping figures and made her way to an old armchair sitting in the corner. She tucked her legs up and resting her elbow on the squishy arm, leant her hand on her hand, observing them calmly. She could just make out the two sleeping silhouettes.

Charlie was stretched out over the too small sofa, his arm dangling over the edge limply. As she watched him sleep she couldn't help thinking of how he reminded her of Ron, as if trying to prove her right he let out a snore and she couldn't help the smile from appearing on her face, soon followed by a lone tear. She wiped it away with a small sniff. But the smile didn't leave her face. She wanted it to work out with him so much, but it was so difficult. They hardly saw each other, and when they did it was always stolen hours. At first it had been just him but she hadn't helped matters lately, she would try and spend more time with him. Starting with today. But was it going to work? Her thoughtful gaze then turned to Harry.

He looked a lot more troubled than Charlie and she didn't blame him. He had shifted his position after she had moved and now lay curled up in an uncomfortable ball, his arm wrapped around the pillow which his head rested on. Occasionally he moved suddenly but from afar it would seem like he was sleeping peacefully. She knew that was not the case. Hard as it was to make out, his face was tense. Eyes clenched shut. She had thought about trying to see his dreams but she knew that was wrong. His head was public enough as it was. She loved him, he was her best friend, but she knew he felt the weight of the whole of the wizarding world on his shoulders. He asked no one to bear that weight with him, but noble as that was. It was crushing him. And as she gazed at him she found herself wondering where he kept disappearing off to. He told no one, he took no one. She couldn't even properly guess with the information she had. All she had was what he had told her. That he had tracked a Death Eater and stolen information. But that wasn't the whole truth and that bugged her. What was he hiding?

These questions filled her head while she sat there. But she had no conclusion to either of them so soon found her mind drifting off to herself. What was she doing going against Harry's will? She knew he was trying to control her for her own good. But that didn't stop her. Why should everybody else risk their lives while she hid away behind the defences, an unused weapon, because that's what she was. She had brains, so many people had told her, why didn't they use them? And she might not be able to beat her professor but she was still one of the best fighters the Order had. Sure she was overrun by her emotional problems occasionally, it was better than being a mindless drone. It wasn't like she was hurting anyone.

Even as she thought that a lump came to her throat. She wasn't at the moment, but she had. As much as she tried to forget, as much as she told herself her confinement was an overreaction. She knew it wasn't. It wasn't just to protect her, it was her form of punishment. She had messed up. Occasionally she still had nightmares about it, but it had been a few days since the last one, since after she volunteered actually. She had been an emotional wreck since her parents and one day…she snapped. She closed her eyes to the slowly lighting room. She was there, she could feel the heart wrenching pain, feel the adrenaline pumping in her body, the need to do something and not wait.

She could hear them, they were right in front of her. Why weren't they attacking? The ground rustled lightly underneath her impatient feet. She looked at the auror next to her. His name was Andrew. He was watching her carefully; she knew Harry had told him to. She had fought her argument well. Not letting any trace of the almost animal madness coursing beneath her skin show.

She had reasoned "You'll need another fighter" she had said levelly, not letting any flicker of emotion reveal itself to his penetrating gaze.

She had lied "I'm perfectly fine"

She had compromised. "I won't go in, I'll stay defence"

And he had agreed. But set watchers anyway.

But now she was here. She couldn't just sit like a duck. Just INCASE something happened. She was going in, and he couldn't stop her. She turned her gaze to the forest behind her follower.

"Shit they found us" she hissed, putting just the right amount panic in her voice. He took the bait and turned away for a split second. That was all she needed. The flash of red went off before he noticed. And the slumped on the floor, stunned. The fighter next to him was quickly dealt with in the same way. Then she was on her feet, fighting her way through the bushes until she reached her target. Then she sunk to the ground, eyes alert and watchful. The target was ahead, an old grey building. She couldn't see any Death Eaters but the distant sounds of fighting reached her ears. She made her way carefully out of the bushes but had only taken a few steps when she heard someone near her, she spun and noticing black robes cast one of the quickest spells of her life, the Death Eater dodged it and threw an avada at her which she dodged. They duelled for a few minutes, and slowly she found herself pushed towards the building. She didn't even think about why she was being pushed that way until another step back set off a magical alarm, she cursed and in her fit of anger managed to slice through the Death Eaters body from shoulder to hip. She left him bleeding and ran to warn the other members. But it was too late.

Black robed figures were appearing everywhere. And they were quickly overpowering the Order members; she mentally punished herself for her mistake. Thankfully she noticed them all apparating away and she quickly ran to aid those that couldn't. She was just about to apparate herself when she remembered her guards. Suddenly dread filled her; she could have sworn she saw black robes heading into the forest. She ran, back the way she had come, the only way to find them was retracing her steps. It took her far to long. And when she got there she found them both gone. She looked around wildly, and listened, they must be nearby. Then she heard what she sought, the sound of two Death Eaters chuckling. She followed them cautiously, until they came back to the original fighting scene. There were a group of black robbed figures in a huddle. She couldn't see any Order members about and she felt her heart lift. But it sunk again when she saw the Death Eaters she had been following. They were each levitating one of the stunned members.

"Look what we found!" One of them smirked. There was a small chorus of cheering. And Hermione felt sick to her stomach, she had to get them out. But how? She could think of no way. So she watched, and waited for an opportunity. None came. But she waited and watched anyway. She saw them wake their captors and set them on their knees. The auror was staring at them, and although she couldn't see his face, she could see the defiance. But the other man had his head hung. They were both tortured in turn by the amused Death Eaters. But they soon got frustrated with Andrew. He never screamed or begged for mercy like the other man and Hermione felt the respect for him welling up, he didn't deserve this. Eventually they quietened down, they seemed to be murmuring between themselves. It was to quiet for her to hear but even she couldn't miss the last thing the leader said.

"This ones not going to talk, he's useless. Anderson, kill him, Avery, bring the other"

"Ok, give me a minute, I'm sure I can crack him. A silent prisoner is no fun to kill"

"All right but don't take long, those blood traitors will be back soon to clear up our mess" She watched and listened to the sound of popping as they all apparated away. When all was silent she felt a small smile on her face. She could still save him. But he had started cursing Andrew before they had all left so she had to wait and watch in horror. The horror and disgust grew stronger with every curse that hit Andrew and she had to restrain herself. When there were only two left she couldn't contain it any more and sent a curse at one of them, he fell and Hermione quickly turned her attention to Anderson. Who seemed surprised, but then he smirked.

"Looks like a little pussy cat got left behind" He sent a curse at Andrew before her own curse was sent forth. He dodged it still smirking and sent a quick curse back at her which she only just dodged.

"I think I'll keep-"

"Avada Kadava" she screamed at him. Her mind filled with helping Andrew who was now lying slumped on the floor. It hit Anderson and he fell dead. She didn't even care; she ran forward to Andrew's body and knelt beside it. Tears streaming down her face she turned him over and was shocked to find him still alive. His eyes stared up at her.

She felt his blood pooling onto her robes but she couldn't find his wound to heal it.

"There's no point" he croaked. "You can't cure me" Hermione kept looking until his hand reached up to stop her.

"Did you get him?" He whispered. She nodded, unable to speak and he smiled.

Finally she managed to force out words. "I'm so sorry" she whispered. But she was too late, just as the words left her lips the light faded from his eyes. She kept muttering her apology over and over again, rocking Andrews body until she heard a grown from the Death Eater next to her. Anger filled her again and she leapt to her feet.

"Crucio!" She screamed. When she stopped she said.

"Where's is he?" The Death Eater just laughed. Not knowing or caring what she wanted, the man who killed her parents. She cursed him again and again, repeating the question each and curse in turn until hearing a pop and fearing discovery she cast the worst unforgivable for the second time that day. Then fell defeated to her knees beside Andrew.

She had tried to forget that terrible day so many times and for while she had, it was locked up in her subconscious but when she did think about it, she couldn't feel the remorse for the Death Eaters she killed cold bloodedly that day. She didn't think of Andrew unless she could help it.

So lost in her memories she hadn't noticed the rain giving way to a watery sun. She got to her feet. The boys would wake up soon and she might as well make them something to eat. It would keep her mid out of the gutter. But even as she fried the bacon and heat up the beans she thought about it. It was Harry who had found her. He was the only one who knew the full story; he had plucked it from her weakened mind. And somehow Ginny had got hold of some of the details. She was lucky she hadn't been branded a murderess, which was no less than she deserved. Harry had understood to some extent. That's why he hadn't told anyone. But he had been disappointed.

It seems like the smell had woken the two up and it wasn't long before Harry came into the kitchen, followed by an ashamed Charlie. Harry picked up the paper and sat at the table, filling his head with even more useless and depressing information. Hermione placed the food in front of him. She turned to prepare Charlie's but found him standing by the bacon.

"I'm sorry" he muttered quietly. She raised an eyebrow and he sighed. "I am really sorry for being such a dick last night. I didn't mean anything that I said." Hermione gave him a small smile and handed him his plate so he could serve himself. He wasn't completely forgiven; she was still going to let him have his hangover.

It turned out that Charlie had to go out for a bit but then he was free so Hermione told him to go to the library when he got back to find her. Then they would go out. So she spent most of her morning in the library researching the charm Severus had used. But she was once again disappointed by the lack of instruction on the charm. She had thought the Black library would have more on forbidden magic than it did. But she supposed Dumbledore must have had a sort through the books when he chose the place for headquarters. Finally Charlie arrived, but at first he didn't talk, he just sat in the chair contemplating her, so it seemed anyway. It reminded her of what she had done when he was asleep. She didn't object, she had just found an interesting chapter she wanted to finish. When he did speak it was accompanied by a stroke of her hair.

"I wish you knew how amazing you are" he sighed. And Hermione shook her head. He smiled. "What no return compliment?" she couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face at his expression.

"I'm far from amazing. And nice to know you only compliment me to get boosts to your own ego!" He winked

"Like I need that" She let loose a small laugh.

"You're impossible" she smiled.

"And you're amazing…That's why I love you" her smile froze for some reason. Had he seriously just said that? Was it really that time already? She found her mouth remained open for some time. Charlie didn't seem fazed; he leant down and kissed her forehead

"It's okay if you're not ready to say it yet, I don't mind. Now I'm going to get ready, see you in twenty" He was just about to leave the door when Hermione found her voice. She threw the book on the table and ran up to him; he turned in time to catch her. She clung onto him tightly, wishing with all her heart she could say the words back and mean them, but her lips wouldn't form the words, so instead she whispered

"I just need time." She felt his arms constrict around her even more as he nodded again her neck, muttering

"I know."

That night Hermione lay alone in her bed, surrounded by blackness. She liked it though, it gave her time to contemplate the day. Spending proper time with Charlie again had shown her why she fell for him the first time. He had been funny, kind and charming. He had let her choose where to go, what to eat and when to come home. His happiness had been contagious, calming her and filling her with more happiness than she had felt in awhile. The only dampener had been that occasionally she caught him looking at her or into the distance with deep troubled eyes. They had only been mere moments and overall she had been sad for the day to end. But at least it filled her with the promise of more similar days…when the war was over of course. She suddenly found herself thinking about what life would be like if they won the war and she actually survived…which was looking a lot less likely recently. She imagined nice house…kids…maybe marriage. It was hard to picture anything in great detail as it seemed so far fetched and fairy tale. That wasn't her and it never would be.

The next morning brought no word from her potions professor and as she sat and stared out the window she couldn't help but feel worry prick at her. She knew she had no real right to, and that he was probably fine she still couldn't help herself. The day drifted on uneventful. Charlie was out again and Harry was hiding away somewhere in the house. Although members came and went fairly often she still felt the loneliness as heavy as the rain surrounding her, especially as everyone was still giving her the silent treatment. Even Zoey and Tom barely spared her a nod and smile. Truth be said that was one day she was glad to see the back off.

The next day looked to be more promising. When she opened her eyes that morning, the rain had stopped, although it still seemed to be a pretty gloomy day. That was one factor anyway; another was that she had a note from Severus waiting for her on the windowsill when she opened her eyes. Although when she opened it she found that the content did little to uplift her mood. It was simple; he hadn't even bothered to use the charm again. It simply said in messy scrawl.

Today, 5 o'clock, use the portkey.

And that was it. It gave her no room for choice, not that it needed to, she would have gone even given the choice. But 5 o'clock might prove awkward. It was early enough that Harry or Charlie might want to speak with her and late enough to promise she would be out for the majority of the evening. She headed down the stairs and almost collided with Harry and he hurried towards the door. He turned back when he noticed her and she saw the panic in his eyes.

"You're not planning on going out today are you?"

"Well actually I-"

"Don't" he interrupted. "Not today, I've already got enough to worry about, just stay in…people might come in needing help, I need you here" before she could argue her point he was gone and Hermione was left standing at the bottom of the stairs. This was just great. What was she supposed to do now? She was about to go upstairs when she saw a familiar bob of brown hair scurried from the kitchen and past her to a room nearer to the doorway, it took her a second before she realized who it was. Then she smiled, at least she had some sort of plan. She quickly followed the girl into the room surprised to find it empty apart from Zoey who seemed to be looking through the draws. Although they were both alone Hermione still went right up to her before speaking softly in the younger girls ear.

"I need a favour" her only reply was a small squeal as Zoey jumped and clutched a piece of paper to her heart.

"God you gave me a fright" she replied, smiling softly and slipping the piece of paper into her pocket. "What do you need?"

Hermione smiled in response. "You know the offer you made a few days ago; I'm going to need to cash that in for a few hours. I need to go somewhere and-"

"Don't worry about it" Zoey interrupted. "Just take me to the potion"

Although Hermione felt uncomfortable leaving someone who barely knew her to impersonate her she was still ready when the portkey was ready to use. She was unsure what might happen but Zoey was bright and Hermione had told her about her potion store and what books to use if she needed them. She only hoped that the girl could handle what was thrown at her. And that she was back before Harry, Zoey may be able to fool some people but Harry was losing his touch if he couldn't tell it wasn't her. This was what was in her head when she was travelling but as soon as she arrived at the house. It changed to worry about Severus. His note had been very brief so Hermione found her steps hurried as she headed up to the house. The door was open but the downstairs hallway was dark so she immediately headed upstairs, trying to get to her destination as quickly as possible. Her heart lifted when she saw that his office door was open as was the door to the potions room. She moved more cautiously now but there was no need to, Snape was sitting on a chair near one of the walls, reading one of his many books.

He smoothly rose to his feet, sliding the book back into place as he did. His only greeting was a brief nod in her direction. Hermione decided not to respond. Although found herself attempting to watch him subtly for any sign of injury. Unaware that he could feel her gaze and guess her intentions. He sighed

"I assure you I am perfectly fine. Now due to…circumstance we will be speeding up your training" He picked up one of the familiar vials, although the colour was slightly darker and held it out to her. Hermione stepped closer and reached out her hand, which she was dismayed to find was shaking slightly. As soon as the vial was clasped in her hand Serverus walked past her and with a swish of his cloak closed the door behind him. Hermione froze with the bottle in her hand. She knew she was supposed to drink it but it was like she couldn't lift the lid to her mouth. How much was she supposed to drink anyway? Eventually she managed to unfreeze her other arm and remove the lid from the vial. Then she finally brought it to her lips. Taking a deep breath as she did so, unable to forget the pain and humiliation her last attempt at polyjuice potion had brought upon her.

This one didn't taste nearly as vile however and she managed to drink half the vial before the pain hit her. She couldn't help but clutch her forehead with a whimper of pain, ignoring the smash of the vial as it slipped from her hand and hit the floor. It was like a burning poison that crept up from the back of her neck and spread through the rest of her head to her forehead where the pain was the most intense. She could barely feel her body transforming and she didn't care. She went gladly into the blackness that took her away from the pain.

When she opened her eyes she was disorientated, there was someone above her, shaking her. She lay helpless and blinking for a moment then instinct took over she leapt to her feet and withdrew her wand, pointing it at her attacker. He looked familiar but it was hard to place him. She blinked a couple of times and looked around her surroundings. The place was also familiar but her memories couldn't decide on a link to it. Then she realised he was calling her something and eventually it got through.

"Hermione?" he was repeating that name. But that wasn't hers was it? She tried to remember but there were so many different memories…she was a witch but muggle born or with magical parents? There was a muggle family…then it changed to another family, there was screaming and pain and the overwhelming smell of alcohol she winced and blocked that one out.

"Hermione snap out of it" the man snapped angrily and she found her eyes focussing on him again. Noticing he finally had her attention his voice softened slightly but still had that teacher tone to it. Was he her teacher…the memories screamed yes but at the same time no? She was so confused…

"Are you ok? I'm guessing the potion worked" There was a potion involved? Then the memory came to her from the random collection in her head. Her with a potion…the fear…the pain, memories all linked together started coming forward…the Order, Harry and Ron…becoming a spy. She must be Hermione Granger, that's what they called her wasn't it? Then the other memories started fighting for dominance and she was cast into doubt again.

"Hermione" Finally she found her voice to speak

"Yeah" it sounded wrong to her ears.

"How are you feeling?"

"Confused"

"I guessed, I'm going to try and teach you to keep the memories separate okay?"

She nodded, whoever she was didn't matter, for all intensive purposes she was now Hermione Granger.

Review! And while you at it anyone got ideas for names? I'm drawing a blank! Let me know what you think!