DISCLAIMER: I do not own nor do I claim any right to Twilight and the universe therein.

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A/N: Midterms: over. Work: over (for now.) My November resolution is to have a more structured schedule which includes not flaking out about updating. Let's see how long that lasts.

Feedback over the last chapter made me so warm and fuzzy that I forgot to put on a coat in the 50 degree weather. But that's okay. I can live with that.

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Chapter 16: Past and Future

Bella:

This morning, I heard everyone getting ready to leave, joking around as they performed their daily rituals. No showers or breakfast, but there was a routine nonetheless. Even Esme played the part of the stay-at-home mom. She made sure her husband's briefcase was by the stairs and she packed her kids' backpacks with pointy #2's and a few dollars for lunch.

It was cute.

Completely unnecessary, but cute.

I didn't go down and join them. I wasn't sure what my place in the ritual was. I wasn't the provider or caretaker, but I wasn't fully one of the kids yet, either. I was looking forward to my time with Esme this afternoon. I hadn't really had a chance to connect with the woman who would be my mother for the rest of, well, eternity, and I was excited to have the opportunity.

My resolve to give the kids their space wavered when I heard the motor of the car turn over and purr to life. I dashed to the window and pulled back the curtain. I saw the car pull out of the driveway, slowly at first and then too quickly for safety. I pressed a hand to the window. The day felt daunting, somehow. I couldn't wait for everyone to return.

I squared my shoulders and walked downstairs. Esme was fussing in the kitchen, arranging a vase of yellow daisies on the windowsill. When she saw that I had finally come downstairs she joined me in the living room and picked up a pair of knitting needles which were tangled in yarn. As she began unraveling the knots she motioned for me to sit down.

I wasn't sure what to expect. All of my experiences with my friend's parents had been brief, awkward affairs, usually limited to generic greetings when I would come to pick some one up.

I had to stop thinking of Esme as my friend's parent, though. She was going to be my mother in the eyes of the outside world. I sat down hesitantly and crossed my ankles one way and then the other as I tried to work out my nerves.

"I thought, perhaps, we could spend the day getting to know each other better." Esme smiled at me and began knitting and purling what looked to be a scarf. It was flawless, of course, not a snag or pull in sight.

She continued, "We really know very little about each other, our history, our preferences, and I was hoping we could remedy that."

Her naturalness put me at ease. "Okay," I said, genuinely excited, "Should I start, or…?"

"If you'd like." She said.

So I told her about my life growing up in Forks. I told her how I barely remembered the divorce, how I had always lived with Renee and how Charlie had always been a distant man who I only saw over the summer. I told her how I had resented that my obligations to him pulled me away from my friends for three months, and pushed me into a society where I had no ties and no desire to remain. I told her how my anger had lessened as I grew up; how I had come to realize how unsatisfactory the situation was for both me and Charlie.

I told her about my friends and how I had fallen in with the 'cool' group almost accidentally. I told her how I was always waiting to fall out of the group as easily as I had fallen in. I told her how, from the outside, it looked like I had a solid network of friends to turn to when in reality I was always nervous of saying or doing the wrong thing and making them realize I wasn't as cool as they thought I was.

I told her about the first time Renee brought home Phil; how I had known that he was different from the first moment I met him, and how happy he had made my mother from their very first date. I told her about over-hearing the long discussions they would have about the future—they had wanted to get married after their third date, but they had very different goals and plans in life. Phil wanted to play baseball professionally which meant shipping off to whatever team would have him, wherever that might be. Renee had no place for a long distance marriage in her life. While she had no problem picking up and moving at the drop of a hat, she didn't want to subject me to that for the rest of my time in high school.

I told her about my personal decision to come to Forks, my self-sacrifice for my mother, whom I had always been responsible for. I told her how disappointed I was that Renee agreed so quickly, though I hadn't been surprised. I told her how Renee always saw what she wanted to see and how, when I said that I suddenly wanted to move to Forks, a place I hate, to live with my father, a man I barely knew, she believed it because it meant she would get what she wanted.

I told Esme of my quiet dread the day before school and my anxiety to fit in. I told her of the morning I spent preparing, trying to look and act just right. I told her of my ride to school and I told her how I walked up to the building.

I told her of her son's attack.

I told her of the fear and the pain, and of the eventual resignation to death. I told her of my extreme surprise and gratitude at being saved. I told her about Jasper's strength in saving me; how he overcame his own hunger as well as Edward's. I told her how the pain had overwhelmed me until I couldn't see.

I told her of the moment I opened my eyes, new to the world.

At this point I stopped. I realized I had been talking for hours; the clock said it was almost two o'clock. My mouth should have been dry, my throat cracking with overuse but I felt absolutely fine. Esme's eyes were fixed on her work, her hands flew back and forth with the needles and rows of scarf seemed to flow from her hands. I noticed her lip trembling as she tried to supress her emotion.

I immediately felt terrible. I had been so insensitive speaking about my change. It must hurt her so much to hear of Edward's indiscretion and I had been fairly…graphic.

"Esme—" I began to form an apology when she cut me off.

"Thank you, Bella." She looked up at me. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that." She reached out and placed her hand on my knee.

"Thank you for listening." I said. "I think—I think I needed that."

Esme smiled a knowing smile and we both started a little when we heard a crashing coming from the woods.

"It isn't even two…" Esme murmured, looking at the clock. "What could have happened? Edward wouldn't—" She didn't finish her sentence and her eyes darted to me nervously.

I was in nervous shock. Had Edward attacked another girl? I had been told that I was a major exception to his normally impressive control. Esme was working on schooling her features back into a complacent mask, but her words had already done their job. I was nervous and on edge, waiting for whoever was about to open the door.

When it finally slammed open, and Jasper walked in, I was beyond crazed. I ran toward him and grasped his face in my hands, panicked.

"What happened? What did he do? Is everyone okay? Are you okay?" I tried to look him up and down, searching for any damage or any sign that everything wasn't as it was supposed to be. I ran my hands over his scalp and down his neck and shoulders feeling the areas I couldn't see for ripped clothing or sticky blood.

Jasper caught my wrists as I searched his back and pulled them around to his front. He held my hands in his and placed them on his chest, trapping them there as he gathered me in a tight hug.

"I'm fine, everything's fine. Just relax." We stayed that way for a few long moments and I realized that Jasper had completely calmed me down without using his power. His voice and his touch had been enough.

I became aware of Esme still sitting in the living room, and I pulled away. I had to struggle out of the embrace at first because Jasper didn't release his hold right away. When he did, I stumbled back a little and looked at Jasper with a question in my eyes. He seemed a little surprised with himself, but he shrugged, walked over, plopped down next to Esme.

"Why are you back so soon?" Esme asked.

"Jeez, Mom, way to make me feel welcome." Jasper grabbed a spare spool of yarn from Esme's basket and began tossing it back and forth from hand to hand, absentmindedly throwing it in higher and higher arcs. When it bounced off of the two-story ceiling, he caught it and returned it to her basket, shrugging again.

"I talked to Alice and some kid was gonna slice his fingers in ZooBot. So I cut." He had talked to Alice. My reaction was all over the place: I was angry, compacent, resigned, jealous, nervous... My reaction must have caught Jasper's attention because he looked over to where I stood, still at the door. I forced myself to calm down and focused on feeling only curiosity. That was an appropriate emotion, I decided. I must have succeeded because Jasper turned his attention back to Esme.

"What did you two do all day?" he asked.

It was Esme's turn to shrug. "We just talked, is all." She said, sounding more like a defensive teenager than a mother in that moment.

"What about?" He directed his questions to Esme instead of me, but I answered, feeling oddly left out of the conversation.

"I talked, mostly. My life story in nearly seven hours, non-stop. Really exciting times for Esme who was forced to listen." Esme waved this comment off as ridiculous, but Jasper looked fairly pissed off. I honestly couldn't think of what I had possibly said to upset him. Frankly, I was getting a little tired of his back and forth behavior.

"Esme, I had a lovely afternoon, thank you so much. I'm going outside." With a curt nod to Japser, I opened the door and walked out into the dim, overcast day. I walked over to a large rock and sat down, trying to block out the conversation I could hear Jasper and Esme having. I still wasn't comfortable with the fact that I could hear every word spoken in a 50 yard radius without even trying, and I was doing my damnedest to give everyone the privacy I wished I was getting.

I heard the front door open and close, and a minute later Jasper was standing in front of me, blocking what little sun the day gave off.

He stood in awkward silence for a few minutes before letting out a gust of air.

"Bella, I must apologize. I have been terribly rude today, and you have done nothing to deserve it."

"Damn skippy." I muttered, and I thought I saw his lips twitch in a smothered smile.

"The fact of the matter is," he took a deep breath, "I came home early to see you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay, and I didn't feel right leaving you alone."

"I wasn't alone," I argued, "I had Esme."

"Well, yeah…" His voice trailed off.

"We had a great time." I supplied.

"Yeah, but…" he looked like he was searching for the right words, and as he thought he sat down next to me. "But I didn't like having to trust anyone but myself with your well being. I didn't like not knowing how and what you were doing. I didn't like being away from you."

"Oh." I said.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and I watched the way the mottled clouds threw different depths of shadow over my skin.

"I watched you leave." I blurted.

"I know." He said.

At some point, and I'm not sure how, my head ended up propped against his shoulder. It was a long while before Jasper spoke again.

"I got upset because I was jealous that Esme knew everything about you and I didn't." He sat up straighter and I picked up my cue and lifted my head off of him. He turned to look at me. "I wanted to be the one who was there for you—there to listen and learn about you."

"I like that you want that." I said, honestly meaning it. In fact, I liked it more than I should. "And I would be happy to tell you all about myself."

Jasper smiled. "I feel bad making you go through everything again, after you just spent…what? Six hours? Six hours talking to Esme?"

I knocked my shoulder against him. "I don't mind." I said.

"Now," I rubbed my hands together like a gymnast prepping for a vault. "Where do I start?"

At that point I heard the rumble of a car turning off of the main road and onto the long, graveled driveway. Esme popped her head out of the front door and I shot to my feet like a child who had been caught feeding her dinner to the dog.

"The rest of the kids are coming back." She said.

I laughed even though nothing was funny and nodded. "Yup!" I agreed a little too loudly. I walked back to the house, chancing to look over my shoulder at Jasper only once. He looked equally amused and annoyed by my behavior as he pushed himself to his feet and followed me back.

For some reason, I didn't want everyone else to see us together, secluded as we were. What I felt for Jasper… I wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to tell him everything he wanted to know, and I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to hear his story at some point, though, when his entire family wasn't in earshot. The whole situation felt…precarious. Like it was going to topple, and it was only a matter of time and inclination that would decide which way it would go. I climbed the front steps and held the door open for Jasper, who refused to enter unless I went first. With a slight smile on my face, I sat next to Esme on the couch where she had resumed her knitting. Jasper sat down across from us. As the car pulled into the garage and the doors slammed as everyone exited, I could feel Jasper's eyes on me. The return of my new siblings felt unwelcome and intrusive. I was very much in danger of weaving myself a fantasy world where all of my unspoken wishes were very real and present. A world where Jasper and I had endless amounts of uninterrupted time.

I shook myself out of it as Edward, Rose, and Emmett entered loudly, pushing and shoving each other and making loud quips. I could feel Jasper's eyes on my face through it all and, sure enough, when I chanced a look at him, his eyes seared mine until I had to look away.

To let myself live in my fantasy world would be very dangerous indeed.