Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim any rights to Twilight and the universe therein.

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A/N: What month long absence? I don't know what you are... HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!

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Chapter 19: Apologized

Bella:

When I woke up, Jasper was gone. I felt directionless, like a compass if the North Pole had suddenly ceased to be. Just spinning in circles without every finding a way.

How had I become so attached? When had he become not only the sun in my sky but the earth beneath my feet? I focused on taking deep breaths. I had found that they calmed me even though they weren't necessary in the strictest (or any other) sense. I sat up, swung my feet over the edge and aimed myself toward the door. As I passed the mirror, I caught a glimpse of myself in it.

"I look a hot mess." I murmured to myself. My hair was flattened on one side where I had mashed it into the pillow, and was anything but on the other, where it had matted itself into a geometric shape yet unbeknownst to mankind. My makeup, which had looked so impeccable when I had first seen it, was now entrenched under my eyes into dark purple circles. My cheeks were flaked with dried mascara and my lipstick had been smeared onto my chin.

I was suddenly grateful that Jasper wasn't there. I cleaned myself up as best I could although my vampire vision still saw the dregs of the black gunk caked around my eyes. So used to seeing perfection when I looked at my face—not to seem self centered, but really—everything that detracted from that perfection seemed massively obvious. A quick run of my fingers through my hair and I was decent by vampire standards, still gorgeous by my old human ones.

By the time I made my way downstairs, Jasper had gone wherever he had gone. Out. Alone? Without me in any case. Which was fine, right? He had no obligation to me, wasn't plagued by the same irrational attachment I was plagued by. He couldn't be, I couldn't allow myself to think it. Because if he was somehow also affected…

But he wasn't and all the thinking in the world couldn't wish him into feeling for me as I did for him.

Downstairs, I surveyed the empty house. My complex vampire mind was nearly constantly haunted by doubts and suspicions about the future I was being forced to lead here. Even as I had a conversation, laughed, cried, slept—part of me was constantly wondering about how I would manage my new life. I had never been good at finding my place in things. I either fit in or I didn't. People either accepted me or not. I never carved a niche for myself. I wasn't good at changing minds.

"Shake it off, Bella." I had to talk myself out of this funk. I busied my hands by organizing some DVD's which remained strewn about from our vamp movie fest a few nights back. I wiped a fingerprint from the otherwise immaculate television and wandered into the kitchen where I busied myself by cleaning up the vase of flowers which were going slightly brown at the edges of the petals. I went into the garden and pulled a few blooms to replace the dying ones. The garden was starting to hibernate, the greens were growing dark and the flowers were growing scarce. I took a moment and admired the beautiful yard and forest as it transitioned from summer to fall.

I must have lost track of the time, because when I turned back to the house, I saw Esme, Carlisle and Emmett sitting around the kitchen table, talking. Esme and Carlisle pretended not to notice Emmett's attempts to balance a spoon on his nose. I smiled before I could help myself.

I had to stop worrying. Despite my anxieties about my future, there was something about the Cullens that felt right. I just needed to let the insanity run its course, and then things would be calm and smooth and effortless.

Deep breaths.

I opened the large sliding glass door that led into the kitchen and three sets of eyes lifted to meet mine. A spoon clattered onto the table.

"That. Was. WICKED!" Emmett jumped out of his chair and ran over to me and picked me up in a huge hug. "You gave him the what-for like I couldn't BELIEVE!" Esme and Carlisle were more subdued. When Emmett stopped spinning me around, I stumbled to a seat (damn my blasted human-ness) and tried to focus on the faces in front of me.

"How are you feeling?" Esme asked, like I had been experiencing temporary insanity in the moments when I had hit her son.

"Better." I answered. Well, that was the truth. Hitting Edward had made me feel much better.

"Bella, I have to say that I cannot condone violence in my household." Carlisle looked grim, and I had to avert my eyes. Staring at the grain of the table I traced with my fingers, I wished Jasper was here to sense my shame and tell Carlisle. I wasn't sure if I could accurately say how much it embarrassed me to see Carlisle like this.

"That being said," I looked up at Carlisle as he continued and was stunned to see him barely concealing a smirk, "what you said was something Edward needed to hear, and I think you really, and pardon me in advance, drove your point home."

"Get it? With your fist!" Emmett beamed.

I didn't have the heart to be sarcastic. "Yeah, Em. I got it, thanks." Maybe I could manage a teensy-little bit of sarcasm.

Emmett just laughed, taking it in stride like he always did. He grabbed my shoulder and began hauling me toward the living room, presumably to challenge me to video games or make me watch a movie that had as little plot and as much action as a video game. We stopped before we got to the sofa, heads whipping right as we heard someone approaching the front door. The gait was soft, uneven, shuffling. Emmett recognized the owner before I did.

"Seriously, dude? Seriously?" Emmett's lips pulled back in a snarl.

Edward then. I felt myself tense up and I had to take a few deep breaths before I could turn to Emmett.

"Emmett, you need to back off. I… I needed to say and do what I did to Edward yesterday, but I don't want it to be like that all the time. We need to work things out, yeah? Could you... I dunno… give us a minute?"

Emmett looked me straight in the eyes. "I will be eavesdropping on every word. Thought you should know."

"'Preciate it Em."

A few moments later and the door handle turned. Edward shuffled in, looking worse than I had woken up looking. His eyes, though light, had dark circles underneath of them. Vampires didn't need sleep, but I assumed they still needed rest. Edward looked like he had been running for hours. His hair was caked with dirt and sweat and crowned with twigs and his clothes sported more than a few tears. I felt so guilty.

"Edward?" My voice rose like I was asking a question. Pull it together.

"Edward." Better. I sat on the love seat and pulled my knees up to my chest, not taking my eyes from where he stood in the doorway. He never lifted his head, transfixed by something near his feet.

"I wanted to apologize." His head twitched like he wanted to look at me and couldn't make himself. "I was…harsh. I can't say that I take back anything I said. It's just… everyone deserves common courtesy and respect and I completely forgot my manners. I was beyond rude and I am so sorry for not giving you the respect you deserve. Can you forgive my serious breech in etiquette?"

"Bella—," despite his haggard look, his voice was still silk dragged through honey, "there is nothing for me to forgive. You were well within your rights. Would you allow me to apologize for pushing the matter to the point where it was necessary for you to take such…action for your words to be heard?"

"I forgive you if you forgive me. I think the blame is shared in this instance."

"I still say you had nothing to apologize for…"

"Humor me then?" I smirked at him.

He still refused to look at me. "Always." He shifted away from me slightly and turned toward the wall. I took it that the conversation was over. Were things right between me and Edward? Not exactly. Were they better? Yes, for now.

Em bound in from the kitchen. "Video game?" He looked so excited, I couldn't say no.

"You know what, how about you just watch for now?" he said about five minutes later after I caused him to die several times due to my ineptitude.

"You must be really lousy," Esme called from the kitchen, "He'll usually take whoever he can get to play with him."

I cringed slightly and played with my fingernails. Video games demanded a certain knack for timing and hand-eye coordination that I hadn't had in my human life and hadn't seemed to acquire in my vampire one. Everyone shifted subtly as we heard Jasper and Rosalie returning from deep in the woods. I had to stop myself from pressing my hand to my chest and checking my non-beating heart. I felt like it was racing. I became even more absorbed in picking at my nails, afraid to look at Jasper as the door opened and closed and Rose and he entered. I was afraid of what he would see on my face.

Jasper and Rose stood there for a while, the only noise coming from Emmett's game.

"While I was in town today, Bella, I picked up some items for your new room. I didn't get anything big, though, because I want you to pick out items that you like."

I could tell she only said it because the lack of speech was becoming oppressive, but it filled me with gloom anyway. I had grown attached to Jasper's room. I didn't see a reason I couldn't just stay there. It's not like he was using his bed.

I caught the direction of my thoughts. Wow. Slow down, Bella. He had used that bed, after all. Everynight, probably, with…

Alice.

I was interrupted from my conjecture by a steel grip on my arm. "Let's look online right now!" Rose was fairly dragging Esme and I up to her room. As we flew up the stairs and the door slammed behind us, I listened for any conversations that might be happening downstairs. It seemed to be just Emmett's video games.

Rose dragged us over to her large monitor screen, pulled up several expensive décor sites, turned the speakers to their highest setting and blasted bass-heavy hip-hop. At first I was overwhelmed until I realized the pain that usually accompanied such persistent loud noise was nowhere to be found. I recognized how ridiculously overpowering the music should be, but my vampire body could handle the decibel.

"So," Rose turned to me, "spill."

"You first." I looked at Esme as she answered and realized Rose had been speaking to her all along.

"Alice called."

"And?"

"Yeah."

Esme sighed. "Sooner or later."

My head ping-ponged between them. Were they speaking English? I couldn't understand anything they were saying.

"But don't—" Rose began.

"You promised him?"

"Yeah."

"Of course not." Esme said. Rose looked appeased.

"Now she—"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Interesting." Rose smirked. "Does she—?"

The conversation dragged to a halt. Esme looked contemplative.

"I don't think so." Esme said. They both turned to look at me, Rose expectantly, Esme with slight concern.

Again, I found my attention bouncing between the two of them until I couldn't stand it. What was I supposed to say? I felt like an actor who had forgotten a line- they were looking at me like I had an answer they needed.

"So…furniture?" I asked. Hopefully? Anything to push the conversation along?

Both of their faces flashed disappointment for the smallest fraction of a second.

"Of course. Here, look at this lamp that I got for you—" she pulled up a wrought iron lamp that looked like leafy branches wound together. The simple ivory shade topped it perfectly.

Esme looked perfectly composed, her face the picture of graciousness. My mind couldn't help but paint in the features that my vampire memory had captured perfectly despite their brief appearance. Forehead etched with lines, lips downturned, eyes concerned. What had I done to disappoint them both?

I slowly turned my attention to Rose. She was very good at feigning interest in the matching bed that Esme had brought to the front of the screen. I could tell it was a cover, though, because every few minutes her eyes would flick in my direction, size me up, and flick back. I couldn't tell if she was plotting something or trying to intimidate me.

Probably a little of both.

"What do you think, Bella?" I sighed and turned to the computer. I couldn't worry about it any more today. I just didn't have the energy left. I was biting back a yawn as I faced the screen. It stuck in my throat and I choked for a moment on the ball of air where it had lodged.

The slender metal branches that had wound so delicately in the lamp were thickened, strengthened in the bed frame. The headboard was woven of these metal limbs and two twisted extensions jutted from the bed posts and tapered to a point, leaves cascading down the entirety of it. I couldn't stop myself from reaching out and touching the computer screen, lightly pressing my fingers to the glass like I could reach the cool metal from here.

"Bella." Esme's voice was sharp and her fingers snapped around my wrist, holding it in place. I noticed that the colors on the screen around my finger were warped and altered from the pressure I was exerting. I pulled back my hand and Esme withdrew and the display regained its normal look.

"Oops." I looked sufficiently chagrined.

Esme smiled. "I'm just glad you like the bed because, can I be honest? I already ordered it. There was a limited stock and I just knew you would love it."

I giggled. It was a very Esme thing to do, I was beginning to realize.

"What would you have done if I hadn't liked it?"

Rose answered. "She would have waited by the driveway entrance to head off the delivery. She's had to pay off particularly persistent deliverymen in the past."

I looked at Esme agape.

She shrugged. "I wish I could say she was kidding."

I looked back at the screen where my fairytale bed sat and had to sit on my hand to keep from distressing the monitor further.

"Esme?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Thank you."

Esme's eyes got wide and her smile brought an answering one to my face.

"You are ever welcome, Bella."