Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim any rights to Twilight and the universe therein.

A/N: You guys are fantastic. Every time a little red flag pops up in my mail alerts I squeal. My roommate is getting annoyed. PS-This chapter puts Risen Anew solidly over the 50k word mark. Back patting all around for sticking with it, guys!

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Chapter 20: Metaphor

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Jasper:

Every five days of torture gave me two of the best days of my life. It had been an unremarkably dismal fall. The sky had been overcast without fail, I never had an excuse to skip out on my high school classes. I used to be preoccupied by the challenge of resisting the human blood. Having resisted Bella before she changed when her blood had flavored the open air… I knew nothing would ever be that difficult again. Good news, there was no longer any danger of my slipping and exposing us all. Bad news, there was no longer anything to distract me from the tedium of high school hell that imprisoned me for eight hours a day. The monotony hit me like a ton of bricks. No, even that was too dramatic, too exciting. It was more like a swamp into which my sanity slowly sank.

Even now, I could feel brain cells killing themselves off. The more Miss Moskowitz rambled about the power of the metaphor, the more I envied those suicidal cells.

"In a simile, you are saying something is like something else. Juliet is like the sun. Like the sun, how? Is Romeo trying to say Juliet's hot?" Titters from the front row; the giddy, brown-nosing teenage girls with literary aspirations.

"No! Juliet IS the sun. She is as essential and eternal. She is light and life. She IS the sun. The power of metaphor, people!" Her purple, woolen duster whipped her ankles as she swung to the board dramatically and scratched M-E-T-A-P-H-O-R in thick jagged writing.

At least we were doing Shakespeare. Classic American Literature was the worst. Having lived through the period when the pieces we were studying had been considered Contemporary American Literature really took the sparkle out of the lasting nature of the works. I wasn't impressed with antiquity, for obvious reasons.

I sighed loudly enough to draw quick glances from several of the more easily distracted students. The guys gave me narrowed stares and looked me up and down, but most of the girls just darted their eyes in my direction for a nanosecond. Edward had once told me that there was a faction of the female population at the school—not an insignificant one either—that thought me 'brooding and mysterious'.

A smirk slipped onto my face. I wondered if they would have been as intrigued if they knew I was an apparently 17 year old divorcee.

The smirk slipped back off. I had signed the papers three weeks ago, but still hadn't told my family. I think Rose knew, but both she and I had been doing a remarkable job of keeping our thoughts sheltered from Edward. It had been easier than expected. He has been so distracted by his own problems these past weeks that he hadn't been trying very hard to pry into ours.

These past weeks…they've been heaven and hell to me. Being in school, separated from her was the purest and most refined form of torture I had ever experienced. Then the weekends? They had all been spent in family bonding—camping trips in the middle of nowhere, visits to an uninhabitable island off the freezing Washington shore—Bella filled every moment of those trips. I didn't get much alone time with her, everyone wanted an opportunity to be close to the newest family member, but those days I drank in my fill of looking at her, listening to her, and reading her emotions to carry me through the dark hours of the week. I read the play of emotions on her face, matched them to what my gift gleaned, and learned about the unique creature that was Bella.

She was confusing. More often than not, her emotions did not match what I saw on her face. Not that she was duplicitous; she was not. It seemed like she edited her emotions in order to react however she thought was proper. Her emotions themselves were often times so confused, it was no wonder her face never betrayed her heart. This…editing. It wasn't even conscious on Bella's part. There was no thought behind the habit. It seemed second nature for Bella to suppress her own feelings in deference to the situation at hand.

Like when Esme had suggested she and Bella watch a movie. Bella had been nothing but enthusiastic. But when Esme pulled out Disc 3 of Planet Earth, Bella's emotions had been a swirl of disappointment and resignation.

"Fantastic!" She had said as she smiled brightly. Esme had been completely taken in. They had watched over three hours of the series before Bella had come up with an excuse to leave. She hadn't done it to be deceitful. She had done it to humor Esme. Bella seemed to put others before herself, unfailingly.

It went against everything I had been trained to do. The army's goals were tantamount, but beyond that? Personal survival was key. Then personal gain and personal improvement and somewhere (way down the line) came the wants or needs of others. Every decision was made with the gains in mind. My self-imposed vegetarianism? Endeared me to Alice. Without her, I don't know if I would have ever thought to give up feeding on humans. Honestly? Our lifestyle was unnatural. It was a forced decision that took effort. We had to overcome our own nature.

Bella thought about her own needs dead last, if at all. I found myself both hating and loving it. How was she supposed to survive with out any survival instinct? The thought of her being hurt, getting hurt…

My hands clenched under the table and the poor number two snapped beneath the pressure of my fingers. She would not be hurt. I would not allow it.

Which brought me to the part I loved…

I could protect her. She clearly needed to be looked after. And I was exactly the vampire to do it. Were my motives entirely pure? Of course not. I loved that she needed me, even if she didn't know it. I seized every opportunity and every pretense to be near her. Even if she were to become completely self-reliant, I would find a different reason to be around her. I knew what I needed, what I wanted, and I would find any way to get it.

Bella was the poster-vamp for selflessness and I was the poster-vamp for self-centered-ness.

The bell ended Miss Moskowitz's incessant droning.

"Five page paper on the use of metaphor in Shakespeare on my desk Monday. No outside sources; MLA format." The class groaned collectively as they gathered their bags to trudge to their next classes. Lunch. Phenomenal. Where everyone else would get to talk about Bella, but where if I did, Rose would stare at me knowingly, Edward would tense up, and Emmett would leer at me like it was his job.

I shuffled my books together and threw them in the tattered backpack I had gotten for my first trip through high school. It had been a novelty then. I had enjoyed the challenge of resisting and blending in. I had even learned a thing or two.

But now? I felt more than saw several feminine gazes follow me to the door I was swiftly making my way toward. Alice had always been amused by the attention I got. She liked having what others wanted. I had never thought much about it and hadn't tried to deter or attract the admirers. But now…

What was it? I knew vampires were attractive to humans. All of us always got attention from the opposite sex and, sometimes, from the same sex. But that was superficial attraction. The less I spoke, the more the human girls seemed to flock to me. I wanted Bella to be attracted to me, but did I want it to be that superficial attachment?

As I walked to the cafeteria, the answer was overwhelming and immediate. Yes. If that was all I could get, yes. If that was what came first, yes. If that was what she wanted, yes.

Would that be enough?

As much as I wanted the answer to be yes, it wasn't. I couldn't be content with having some of Bella. I wanted all of her. And I needed her to want all of me.

I sighed and pushed all the thoughts from my head. Edward had been spectacularly unobservant lately, which had made it easier. He had been looking better, smiling more, but he had remained quiet, almost silent. At first it had been a welcome change from his usual smug grandstanding, but it had become slightly disturbing.

Edward's eyes flicked up at me for a moment, but he immediately began to pan the room, like he hadn't just looked at me.

Is everything okay?

His eyes didn't catch mine as he forced a smile and nodded slightly. I'm sure Rose and Em caught the gesture, but they said nothing. Out loud, at least.

Apparently Rose took it as a sign that Edward was on the mend, because she started peppering him with hushed questions.

"How are people taking our story of Alice's leaving? What are people's thoughts about us now, in general? Anyone thinking suspiciously about Swan's death?

Tactical precision.

Edward looked pained as he hissed responses at vampire speed. "Fine. Nothing out of the normal. Only Eric—" He nodded his head to the boy across the room, "—but he has romantic notions of suicide."

"He thinks she killed herself?"

Edward nodded.

"And he thinks that's romantic?"

Edward nodded.

Rose scoffed. "Idiot." I agreed. There was nothing romantic about death.

The rest of lunch was passed in the relative silence that marked most of our lunches. We shuffled around whatever food we had bought in front of ourselves. We made small talk (tantamount to silence) for the sake of those who could be watching or listening,

A million years later the bell freed me from the confines of the dimly fluorescent lit room. Two classes left. Chem and Intro to Psych.

Chem. The interplay of positive and negative, when you really got down to it. Hadn't changed for thousands of years, and wasn't likely to anytime soon. That was comforting in its way, I supposed.

Psych. Untangling the fucked-up mess that was the human brain. That was changing daily, more and more depths were scoured, newer and darker lows of the human psyche were revealed. That wasn't so comforting.

I was the first one to the car. Rose had taken to driving since Edward had become so introverted. I tapped my fingers on the roof over the back driver's side door. I drummed five distinct finger-point shaped dents into the roof before quickly smudging them out into a single rut. Edward would notice, as would Rosalie. Edward wouldn't say anything, not now, but Rose would probably lament the desecration of the machine. Loudly.

The others trickled in like refrigerated molasses. Edward approached in silence followed by Rose and Em who were holding hands and giggling in that nearly-nauseating way they sometimes did. I was in the car, buckled for safety before Rose had the keys in her hand. I closed my eyes and apologized when Rose started bitching about the dent, thinking the whole time, '--'. I was craning my neck to look down the road before the car had started and I was out of the car before it had slowed to a stop.

I burst into the house and found Bella hunched over a notebook. She looked up from whatever she had been writing and her eyes locked with mine. I drank my fill of her. In that moment I allowed myself to devour her. I took in her appearance from head to toe and then I closed my eyes and savored the unique and unselfish blend of emotions that Bella always felt. There was love and curiosity and the spicy quickened pulse of… excitement? Why was Bella excited?

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She reddened under my gaze, looked away, and the excitement vanished completely. In its place, embarrassment and depression and anxiety grew. I had noticed the same interplay of emotions from Bella before, and they had never ceased to throw me.

The door opened behind me and Rose, Em, and Edward entered. My moment with Bella was lost. I retreated to a seat in the kitchen from where I could observe Bella discretely. I kept tabs on her emotions while conversation sparked in the living room. The depression and anxiety merged into a thrumming resignation.

I didn't dare speak to Bella. I couldn't handle anything more than this distant watching. If I spoke, I would say everything and I would lose her. How could she understand what I was feeling when I myself didn't? I, who was supposed to be fluent in emotions.

Instead I sat removed, watching and observing, allowing myself to be warmed by her presence, my attention tracking her movement like a sunflower to light. I stored every micro-expression and word in my perfect vampire mind to be dwelt on at later date; probably in Mrs. Moskowitz's next dreary English Lit class.

I didn't need anything more than this. I was content to bask in her presence. I would just—

Fuck. This.

I stood up and the chair I had been sitting in scuffed along the floor and tipped over with a clatter. The conversation in the living room paused briefly and resumed. I couldn't do this. I couldn't continue in this way, no matter what I told myself. I ran to the living room and stopped, kneeled in front of Bella where she sat on the couch. My face was inches from hers and my eyes locked hers to mine.

"I need some alone time with Bella. Would you mind—" my lip rose in a snarl as I addressed the others, "—leaving us alone for a while?"

Em spoke first. "Yeah, we'll go to the kitchen and—"

My voice dropped to a growl. "Take. A. Hike."

Rose acted first, whirling and grabing Emmett as she dragged him out the front door. Edward slinked after them, a knowing smirk on his face.

Bella's breathing had hitched and her eyes were wide. With fear? I sampled her emotions. Anticipation and nerves. Interesting. I leaned back on my knees until I was sitting on the floor. Even as the distance between us grew, our eye contact did not break.

I could feel my self warmed fom the inside out, the way I always felt in her presence. I could feel myself reaching for her with every molecule of my body. I could feel how essential she was to my being, and I wondered how I could have ever survived without her.

Because Bella was the sun.

I took a deep breath.

"Hey."