Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, or "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday, who are apparently more recently known as The Age of Information.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Saturday, March 25th, 1967

And I've lost who I am,
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken,
Rejecting your love.

Steve stared at the baby on the floor. Bradley was still kind of pink, and even Steve couldn't deny that he was cute, but he wasn't sure what to do with him. Millie loved the kid, and even Anna couldn't get enough of him, but Steve constantly found himself unsure about him. Every time he held him, he was sure he'd just end up dropping him or breaking one of his small legs. Millie constantly assured him that Bradley was a lot less fragile than he looked, but Steve had a hard time believing that.

But even when he did manage to hold him or sit with him for more than a few minutes, there wasn't a whole lot to do with a baby. Hell, there wasn't a whole lot that a baby could do with anything. When he wasn't sleeping he was eating and when he wasn't eating he was sleeping. There was a brief period of time each day where he lay on the floor, gurgling and punching and kicking at the air, but that never lasted long.

Millie grinned at him from where she was folding tiny clothes on the sofa. "Give it a few months, kiddo. Once he can sit up you'll be able to do all kinds of things with him."

"Really?"

"Well, no. But you'll be able to do more than you do now."

Steve avoided her gaze when he spoke next. "It'll be cool when he's older, you know? And I can teach him football and stuff."

And he wanted to teach him that stuff. Thinking about it made Soda asking Pony to tag along not so bad.

"I ain't heard from your dad in weeks," Millie said. "I'm sure you're gonna have plenty to teach him that John ain't gonna be around to do."

After somehow finding out Bradley had been born, his dad had demanded to be let into his life. Under strict conditions from Millie with the threat to leave town and not tell him where she was going, he'd seen his kid twice. Steve thought that was a shitty attempt and hated his dad even more. As far as he was concerned, the kid would be better off never truly knowing his dad.

Staring down at the dark hair and blue eyes of his brother, Steve nodded. "I'll stick around, even when Dad doesn't."

Millie smirked. "I think Anna'd kill ya if you didn't. I have a feeling I've got her to thank for you visiting in the first place."

"Maybe a little. She said some things to, you know, convince me."

"Where is she? She usually never misses a chance to see Bradley."

Steve sighed. He really didn't want to get into it, but with Soda still making a mess of things with Anita, and Two-Bit still pretending he wasn't miserable without Kathy, the words fell from his mouth without much thought.

"She's at home," he said. "I'm supposed to pick her up for a party later, but … I dunno. She's been acting weird."

Finishing the clothing and starting on the nappies, Millie frowned at him. "Whaddya mean by that?"

"Well, she ain't exactly avoidin' me, but she doesn't seem to wanna hang out much. I mean, we weren't hangin' out everyday like we used to anyway, but I feel like I've hardly seen her all week."

And it was killing him. It was as close to the silent treatment as she could get while pretending nothing was wrong, and he didn't know how to fix it. He'd sworn to do anything to get Anna back, and he'd do anything to keep her, but he didn't know how to fix the problem when he didn't know what the problem was. Or when she wouldn't tell him because she barely stuck around to speak to him.

"Maybe she's just been busy with work and homework."

Steve shook his head. "It ain't that. I can tell when she talks to me at school that she doesn't really want to."

"Uh-oh. You must've done somethin' real bad."

"I ain't done anything. She was already kind of reserved and into taking things slow, but now she's just gone cold."

"Doesn't sound like Anna."

"Do you think … do you think she's changed her mind about me?" he asked, frowning at how pathetic he sounded.

Millie actually laughed. "Shoot, kid, there ain't no chance."

"Really?"

"I've seen the way that girl looks at you, and she's madly in love. There's no ways she's changed her mind."

Well, he knew at least half of that was true; Anna loved him, he had no doubts about that. But he'd barely seen her since last Saturday. She'd spent Sunday with Kathy, and other than two lunches at school, and a date on Wednesday night, he'd only seen her in study hall. At least they sat together now. If that hadn't changed then there was a good chance he would've gone days without seeing her.

She loved him, but she seemed to be pulling away and he couldn't stand it.

XXXXX

"You sure you're okay?" Steve asked, slipping his hands around her waist.

Anna grinned at him. "I'm fine. I swear."

"I've hardly seen you all week."

The confusion in his voice was loud and clear, and she couldn't help but feel guilty. She hadn't been avoiding him exactly, but she hadn't been as invested in their relationship as she could have been - as she should have been. If she really wanted things to get back to where they used to be then she should be trying. Instead, she'd been acting something close to indifferent toward him all week and felt awful for it.

But while she was trying to sort through her feelings about seeing him with Evie, it was just easier to stop seeing him. Not completely - because, in all honesty, she missed him so much that it hurt - but for the most part. She needed to figure out what was going on without his hands and eyes and words to distract her.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "But, c'mon, we're hanging out now. And as much as I'm sure you'd like to continue hanging out in some secluded part of this garden, we should go inside."

Inside where the party was going strong. Inside where the alcohol was flowing freely. Inside where she could lose herself in the crowd of people and smoke if she needed to. She looked at Steve, who was watching her carefully. She gave him her best smile.

"Let's go have fun, okay?"

He nodded, and they headed back inside. The house was so full that and Anna found herself lost in the crowd far quicker than she would've liked. Sure, time away from Steve was what she needed, but she felt bad for having treated him so badly the last week. He hadn't done anything yet, and he didn't deserve her shitty treatment.

Sighing, she pushed her way into the kitchen. She wasn't sure which direction Steve had gone, but figured it'd be easier to wait in one place for him to find her rather than searching for him in the crowd. Plus, she might as well take the few minutes she had to try and sort herself out.

Taking the drink Terry Armstrong offered her, she sat at the kitchen table and pretended to watch the ongoing poker game. She didn't know any of the guys who were playing, and watching wasn't any fun. She didn't particularly find playing fun, either, except when Two-Bit talked her into it and helped her beat Steve.

She sighed, thinking about Steve and Evie. There shouldn't be a Steve and Evie, she knew that. Hell, she knew there wasn't a Steve and Evie, but that didn't help the confusion she'd felt since last weekend. Seeing them together had messed up her belief in their relationship, and what the hell kind of relationship did they have if just seeing them together could do that?

Anna took a long drink. Obviously not a very strong relationship.

She loved Steve, and she wanted to be with him more than anything, but his promise to not make that same mistake had seemed less and less real all week. There was really no way she could be sure he wouldn't do anything to hurt her again. Despite what she'd said to everyone else about it, she was beginning to worry. She was beginning to doubt him.

"Hey," Two-Bit said. He fell into the seat next to her, beer sloshing from the two cans in his hands. "Have a drink."

Finishing off what was left in the drink she had, she took the offered one. "Thanks."

"Anytime, sweetheart."

She looked at him, but knew from the nickname alone that he was drunk. "How much have you had?"

He grinned. "Not nearly enough. You?"

"About the same."

Reaching under the table for something, Two-Bit produced a few more cans. "Well, drink up then."

She did. The beer wasn't terrible and the company was pretty good now that Two-Bit had arrived. She still didn't know where Steve was, but figured he'd find her once he decided he missed her. If he wasn't too busy talking to Evie.

"We could play truth or dare?" Two-Bit suggested a while later. She'd already turned down poker, go fish, and pennies.

"Really, Two-Bit? I mean, you're doin' an awfully good job at getting me drunk, but I ain't about to go spillin' my secrets to you."

He laughed. "You're a smart cookie, you are."

Anna doubted that. If she was so smart then she should be able to look past seeing Steve and Evie together. Either that or she should be able to realise that what she saw can't have been a good thing, and do something about it. Frowning, she took the new beer Two-Bit offered her. Drinking more was easier than trying to figure this out.

"I got a question," he said.

"I already told ya, I ain't tellin' you my secrets."

"This ain't a secret. I just got a question."

Even in her own drunken state she could hear the change to his voice. She looked at him, and had an idea of what was coming.

"What's that?"

He took a long drink before continuing. "I really messed things up with Kathy, didn't I?"

That hadn't been quite what she'd expected. Just a mention of Kathy, maybe asking how or where she was, but not this. And she wasn't sure how to answer, either. She didn't want to betray Kathy's trust, but she couldn't give Two-Bit false hope either. She didn't know if it was because he deserved the truth or because of the alcohol, but she answered honestly.

"Yeah, you did," she said, watching Linda Jones drag Terry onto what had been converted to a dance floor.

"Does she hate me?"

"Oh, Two-Bit. Of course she doesn't hate you."

"But I ain't gonna get her back, am I?"

He looked so devastated at the thought that Anna wanted to lie. She couldn't though. "I don't think so."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Fiddling with Grandpa Joe's necklace, Anna waited as long as she could stand it. Finally, unable to deal with this Two-Bit who was nothing like the one she was used to, she stood.

"I gotta get some air," she said, and hurried outside.

The front porch was crowded, the front yard had too many people milling about, and even the cars in front of the house had couples making out in them. Looking everywhere for Steve, she wasn't sure if she was pleased or disappointed she couldn't find him. Not worrying about it, she half-stumbled down the street and sat herself on the hood of his car.

Finally, with the sound of the party no longer roaring in her ears, Anna could think almost clearly. Well, as clearly as her mind would allow when she was as drunk as she was. Why she'd let Two-Bit get her so drunk was a mystery in itself; she normally wasn't that stupid. Two-Bit was usually a fun drunk, and drinking with him could become somewhat addictive. She should have known better.

But that wasn't the fun Two-Bit she was used to partying with. That was a Two-Bit who wasn't dealing with his break up with Kathy as well as anyone had thought. Though she was still angry with him on Kathy's behalf, Anna hadn't known what to say other than the truth, and now she felt bad for him. He'd hate that, but she couldn't help it. Even after how badly he'd treated Kathy, she still felt for him.

Taking another drink of the beer she'd brought outside with her, she knew she should stop drinking. Her head felt fuzzy and she was finding it hard to focus every time she blinked. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this drunk, but she couldn't deny that it felt good. Not having to really think about her problems - forgetting her problems - sure was nice.

Footsteps heading her way pulled her attention away from her drink, and she narrowed her eyes at the approaching figure. After a fair amount of squinting, she jerked back.

"What're you doin' out here?" she asked Henry.

He gave her a small grin. "I guess I wanted to apologise."

"Really?" She wasn't sure she believed him, but he'd never lied to her before.

"Yeah. I never meant to be an asshole about everything. You apologised which was real decent of you, but I basically threw it back in your face."

Anna gave a sloppy shrug. "I wasn't exactly a good girlfriend, though, was I? I used you to try and get over Steve."

"Well … yeah, that definitely sucked."

"I never meant to," she said, feeling horrible all over again. Henry had been so good to her and she'd treated him so terribly. "I really did like you and I never meant to screw everything up so bad."

"I know." Henry stepped so close that he was almost touching her. "I sure wish things hadn't ended so badly."

"Me too."

"You know, I can't help but think that if Randle can try and succeed at getting you back after the way he fucked up, then maybe I can, too."

Frowning, Anna thought about that. There was no way Henry could get her back, she knew that, but it almost sounded nice. Maybe not nice, exactly, but definitely easy. She'd never had to worry about Henry and another girl, never had to question how he felt, and never had to wonder just how much she believed what he said. Being with Henry had been easier than being with Steve. Being with Steve was stressful and uncertain and hard. Being with Henry wasn't happier, but it would definitely be easier.

And easier sounded oh-so good. Anyway, if she thought about it real hard, it was probably only a matter of time before there was a Steve and Evie again. There was always a Steve and Evie. She'd figured that out the night he'd cheated on her. So when Henry leaned in to kiss her, she didn't push him away. She didn't kiss him back, but she didn't push him away either.

XXXXX

"You okay, Two-Bit?" Steve asked, leaning over the kitchen table.

"Sure am, buddy."

Steve wasn't sure he believed him, but Two-Bit was too busy eyeing the blonde at the kitchen counter to pay any real interest in him. Steve grabbed his arm to get his attention.

"Hey, you seen Anna?"

"Yeah, she said she was heading outside," Two-Bit said, throwing an arm in the general direction of the front door.

Nodding his thanks, Steve left Two-Bit to the blonde he was already heading toward. He'd lost Anna far too long ago, but Bobby Miller had pulled him into a deep conversation about the '64 Pontiac he seemed to think he was going to buy. Steve hadn't been able to hold back his own thoughts on the car, and had spent too long going over the pros and cons with Bobby.

But now Anna was who knew where, and he hadn't seen her in he didn't know how long. She wasn't out the front of the house, and with the way she'd been acting all week, this was just one more fuck up he didn't need on his record. Losing his girl at a party wasn't cool. Especially when he hadn't bothered to find her because he'd been too busy talking about cars. He grimaced, leaving the front yard and heading down the street, hoping she wasn't too pissed at him. If he ever found her.

It wasn't until he was nearly at his car his car that he saw her. Stopping still, he watched for a moment, not sure what the hell was going on. It was like something was tearing at his fucking heart, and if this was anything close to how Anna felt when she found out about him and Evie, then Steve hated himself for doing that to her. But even more, he hated what he was seeing. Henry fucking Phillips leaning in to kiss Anna, on the hood of Steve's own fucking car, and Anna … letting him?

He didn't stop to think about what he was doing. With the hammering of his heart pounding in his ears, he stormed to his car and yanked the asshole off his girl. Pulling back his arm, he punched Phillips in the face harder than he'd ever punched anyone in his life. It felt fucking good, too, but the ache in his chest was torture.

He knew he should leave it at that, before he really got into with a Shepard Gang member while a bunch of other Shepard Gang members were just a few houses down, but he couldn't help himself. Throwing himself at Phillips, he punched him again and pushed him to the ground.

"Keep your fucking hands off her," he snarled.

Phillips tried to get a good grip on his shirt to push him off, but Steve wasn't letting the bastard get in a single shot. He pulled back his arm again, ignoring Anna who was yelling at him to stop, and smashed it into Phillips' face - again and again and again. When Phillips pulled his head to the side, Steve's knuckles went crashing into the ground below, but he didn't feel a thing. All he could feel was the heaviness in his chest.

"Touch her again and I swear I'll fucking kill you," he said, pulling his arm back again.

Anna grabbed him. "Steve! Stop!"

There was something in her voice that made him pause; not guilt or anger or even frustration, but the hint of tears. He might have just caught her not pushing her ex-boyfriend away, but he couldn't stand the idea of her crying. He looked at her, noticing that she didn't even look guilty or angry or frustrated. She did look near tears though, and even more than that, she looked tired. Tired of him?

He shrugged her off and got to his feet. Phillips, who wasn't as battered as Steve would have liked, staggered to his own feet. Spitting out blood, he glared at Steve, but instead of coming at him like he expected, Phillips just smirked.

"Maybe next time you ought to keep an eye on your girl instead of hanging out with her cousin," he said. He took off without another word.

The silence left behind was harsh. Steve wanted to yell and scream and throw things. He turned to Anna, surprised she hadn't taken off running yet, and ignored the hurt.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Standing in front of him, swaying slightly and obviously drunk off her ass, Anna shrugged indifferently. "What?"

"You let him kiss you! How could you do that? Why would you let him -"

"I saw you!" she shouted, interrupting him. "I saw you with Evie last week!"

His heart sank. Of course she had seen him with Evie. If there was anything to explain her mood this last week, it was Evie. It was always fucking Evie. She continued before he could say anything.

"You were talking and laughing and looking far too happy together considering how much you both hurt me! And you know what seeing you with her made me realise?" Anna asked. She seemed to have lost her drunken indifference from a few seconds ago and was just angry now. "I realised that it made so much more sense to screw you over now than to wait for you to do it to me again. 'Cause that's why you cheated in the first place, ain't it? To hurt me before I could really hurt you by leavin'?"

Fuck. This wasn't what he'd been expecting. Even after finding out she'd seen him with Evie he still hadn't expected anything like this. He wasn't even sure he'd ever seen her this drunk or this angry. He felt bad for her and worse for himself, but all he managed was frustration.

"Shit, Anna, that's why you didn't push him away? How long are you gonna hold this against me, huh? I thought we were done with that bullshit at the hospital!"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Anna just shrugged. She looked unsure, but then everything about Anna was unsure lately; the way she looked at him, the way she talked to him, even the way she kissed him. And it wasn't just since she'd seen him with Evie last week. She'd been unsure since a couple of days after getting back together, and now it was just worse.

"I'm not gonna do it again. I've told you that so many fucking times, and if you want this to work then you're gonna have to believe me! Have some fucking trust in me."

She scoffed. "Trust you? Steve, you cheated on me! How am I supposed to trust you after that?"

He flinched. That really fucking hurt. He couldn't help but wonder if this is how she'd felt since getting back together, or if it was since seeing him with Evie last weekend. He was pretty sure it was since seeing him with Evie. He felt sick - like he was losing her all over again when he hadn't even done anything. She had let Phillips kiss her, but without her trust they had nothing.

"If you don't trust me then why are you even with me?" he asked, voice quieter.

Tears formed in her eyes. "Because - because I love you," she said, as though it were obvious.

Just the sight of her tears had him forgiving anything that had happened with Phillips. For the most part. If he knew Anna at all then he knew why she'd let it happen. He took a step toward her, encouraged when she didn't move away. He knew that the only way to get her trust again was to be honest.

"Anna, I haven't touched another girl since Evie," he said. "And even then I barely touched her after …"

"After what?"

"After you came to me the night of the rumble," he admitted, staring at the trees behind her. "But if you can't trust me, then …

"Then maybe we should call it quits before things get worse."

His gaze snapped to her. "Yeah, maybe we should."

She blinked in surprise. "What?"

It hurt, so fucking much. He didn't want to end a damn thing with her, but what the fuck was this? And why the fuck would he want to stay with her after everything she'd said and done that night? She might not have kissed Phillips back, and Steve might have arrived only seconds after Phillips tried something with her, but shit. He sighed; the answer was obvious - he really fucking loved her.

It was mean, but he was pretty sure the only way to make her see sense was by letting her think she might actually lose him. Though, even as he stepped away he knew it wouldn't take much from her for his resolve to break.

"Why the hell not?" he asked. "This whole thing is a mess. You don't trust me with Evie, you - shit, you let Phillips kiss you, and it's not supposed to be like this. That day at the hospital was perfect, but nothing's been that good since and it probably never will be."

"But you're supposed to love me," she said quietly.

"I do. I fucking do, but you're not even trying!"

Her lip trembled. "It's just so hard."

"I know, but nothing's ever been easy with us, Anna." He was angry and hurt, but he wasn't going to let this be it. "If you can't trust me, then - well, shit, you're just gonna have to try and learn to again, because I ain't letting this end. Not now that I've got you back. If you want this to work, then you're gonna have to try."

"I do want this to work," she whispered.

"Then don't do this. Please don't do this." He gripped her hand in both of his, hating that he was begging almost as much as he hated the tight feeling in his throat and chest. "Just try, okay? Please? But for now, just talk to me - just ask me."

She frowned, looking beautiful and confused and drunk. "Ask you?"

"Ask me anything." He shrugged, staring at her. "I told you I'd do anything to get you and I'm gonna do anything to keep you. I sure as hell ain't gonna keep anything from you."

Anna burst into tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

An apology and those sobs and he couldn't hold a damn thing against her. Pulling her into his arms, he let her cry for a few moments. The sight of Phillips kissing her was still burned into his brain, but it wasn't like when he'd slept with Evie. It wasn't out of hurt and anger and a hint of spite, it was out of hurt and confusion and probably a lot of still real hurt because of what he'd done to her the year before.

Sliding his arms around her waist, he buried his face in her hair. "Just tell me you don't want him," he pleaded.

Still sniffling, she shook her head. "I only want you, Steve."

"You sure?"

"Yes." She pulled back, staring at him earnestly. "I don't want him. I should've pulled away, but for a moment, letting it happen just seemed so much easier than worrying …"

"I know."

More tears fells and she let out another choked sob. "I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

Wiping her tears away with his thumbs, he kissed her softly. "You know I could never hate you. We just gotta work on this trust thing, okay?"

"God, I'm such a hypocrite. After all those things I said about you cheating, and I've just done the same thing."

Steve shook his head. "It's hardly the same thing."

She stared at him, looking worried. "Do you still trust me, though? I didn't kiss him back, but I still let him - I let him …"

Any other girl and any other situation and he'd have said no and told her to fuck off. But this was Anna, and he'd screwed her over badly so badly that he knew she wouldn't do the same to him just to try and hurt him. She never would have let it go that far. Phillips might be a generally nice guy, and Steve didn't want to make excuses for Anna, but she'd made a mistake; she was drunk, hurting, and confused. From the look Phillips had given him, he wouldn't be surprised if Phillips had taken advantage of that.

"'Course I do," he said, and he really did.

Wiping at her eyes, she nodded. "I'm gonna try," she promised. "I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get us back to where we used to be, okay?"

She sounded so sure of herself that Steve couldn't help but believe her. He nodded. "Okay."

All this time spent in vain,
Wasted years, wasted gain,
All is lost, hope remains,
And this war's not over.

A/N: Beta'd by RileysMomma. Much love to Erin for a million reasons, the most recent being this song.