Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, or "Only You (and You Alone)" by The Platters.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Sunday, April 16th, 1967
When you hold my hand, I understand,
The magic that you do.
Anna had been working up to this moment for a while now, and there was no way she was going to let herself back out of it. Trusting Steve completely was about more than just trusting him not to cheat again. It was about everything else, too. She needed to know that given chance to hurt her, he wouldn't take it. Deep down she was sure she already knew this, and it wasn't like she was testing him, but if he could do this one thing with her then it would almost be like before.
That was if she could even do this herself. It had been weeks of working up enough trust in Steve, but months of dreading the idea of going into Grandpa Joe's. She was there, and in her effort of putting all of her trust in Steve, she was going to make herself go inside. Maybe.
It was coming up to a year since he'd died and that was too long. She missed him like crazy, hated that she'd never see him again. But she knew that if she didn't go inside now - before the one year anniversary went by - then she might never. It was a mental deadline, and she refused to break it.
"We don't have to do this," Steve said, standing behind her.
She said nothing. Taking a breath, she thought over the words that had been running through her head the last few weeks. More than anything else. That was huge. That was bigger than him admitting he loved her. That was Steve loving her more than his car, more than Bradley, more than Soda. And it was that last one - more than Soda - that really made her heart pound and her palms sweat and her vision a little shaky.
Soda was his best friend; had been since they were kids. Soda was who he'd always gone to when he fought with his dad. Soda was the one person he had never been angry with. But he loved Anna more.
For her he'd always been a particularly close second to Danny. Sometimes so close that the line blurred and she wasn't sure who stood where. But to know that she was first for him, she was who he loved most … it made her deliriously happy. She remembered the first time he'd come to her instead of going to Soda's after a fight with his dad, and what she'd felt then didn't even compare to this.
She felt a little guilty that she wasn't always in the same place, but she'd get there. She had no doubts about that. Steve was it for her. They were still working through everything, but he was it.
"I want to," she said.
"I'm not sure how much I believe you."
She smirked. "I'm not sure how much I believe me either."
"Listen," Steve said, playing with her fingers. "You sure you want me here?"
"You don't wanna come in with me?"
"You know I will, Anna. I just wonder if maybe you'd be better off with Danny."
She and Danny hadn't really discussed going back to Grandpa Joe's since he got shot. It hadn't seemed as important after that, and then there had been the mess with Two-Bit and Kathy, before Anna'd had to make her decision about Steve. The worry of going to Grandpa Joe's had been pushed back and forgotten about until the night before.
A little drunk from celebrating his birthday at Buck's, Steve had traced the cross on her necklace and brought the conversation up.
"Did you ever go?" he'd whispered.
Distracted by his fingertips grazing her skin, Anna frowned. "Go where?"
"To sort out your grandpa's stuff?"
"No. We never got around to going back."
"I think you should. I know you're still upset, but it might help." He looked at her, gaze steady. "I'd come with ya if you wanted."
Unable to think about much else since, Anna had called him only hours ago and asked him to go with her. He might be right and maybe she would be better off going with Danny, but Danny wouldn't be around forever. He hadn't said anything else about moving out, but Anna had been thinking about it everyday since - half-waiting for his announcement, half-wondering what she'd do without him.
The answer was obvious, and it had taken Steve's offer for her to see it. She had him. She'd had him since the night Grandpa Joe died. She was pretty sure that she'd had him even when they weren't together, too. She'd gone to him the night Dallas and Johnny had died, and she knew he would have done the same for her.
And though she felt sick at the idea of going inside, it was okay. She didn't know if it was time or Steve that made the difference, but going inside didn't seem quite as daunting as it had last time. Especially when Steve slid his hands around her waist.
"It's okay, you know? If you'd rather do this with Danny."
She shook her head. "I want you to come with me."
"Good," he said, and she knew they were on the same page. This was one of those big steps in their relationship to make them whole again, and they both knew it.
Keys digging into her palm, she headed to the front door. She wondered if Danny would notice the missing key from his key ring and hoped not. His reaction to her going to Grandpa Joe's without him wasn't something she wanted to think about. Instead, she took a deep breath and slid the key into the lock.
Gritting her teeth, she held tight to the sharp keys and walked over the threshold. Steve was right behind her, closing the door softly before uncurling one of her fists and tightly holding her hand. She hoped he wasn't too grossed out by her sweaty palms.
"Okay?" he asked.
She nodded, but it was a good minute before she could move into the house. It had been closed up for almost a year. She knew Danny and the lawyer had come by to empty out the food in the kitchen, but since then no one had been in there. It smelled musty and stale, but there was still a hint of Grandpa Joe in the air. It was a mix of soap he had used and the tea he used to drink. As much as it made her want to cry, Anna breathed deep. It was somewhat comforting.
Still holding tight to Steve's hand, she led the way to the kitchen and stopped feeling so comforted. They'd always spent their time in the kitchen, talking about school, boys, his poker buddies. Anna would drink Coke and he'd drink his tea, Danny would turn up late and talk to Grandpa Joe about his car or football or girls, and then they'd all have dinner.
Going to the kitchen first had been a stupid idea, but she wasn't sure there was anywhere else she'd want to go. The kitchen was where all her memories of him were, and a lump grew in her throat as she took in the layer of dust over everything.
"You wanna sit for a minute?" Steve asked quietly.
She nodded again, so damn glad he was there. It was definitely one of those times where he came first. The line was blurred and she could barely remember who Danny was. Steve was with her and she needed him and she knew he'd never do anything to hurt her. He loved her, more than anything.
Steve pulled out a chair for her, pulling his own to sit right next to her. She sat, the silver of the necklace feeling cold against her skin. Tears pricked her eyes and just like when she'd come with Danny, she felt like an idiot. It had nearly been a year, and she was making a fool of herself. Again.
She couldn't help it, though. It used to be that she could hold off on tears. She'd grown up with Danny and Tim and had learned to deal with nasty comments from mean boys in ways that didn't end up with those boys making fun of her. Since Steve had made her cry at the Dingo last year, she'd cried more than she liked, but only twice for Grandpa Joe. Every other time had been because of Steve - which wasn't a good thing for their relationship, but she was willing to look past that.
Now, sitting at the table where Grandpa Joe had tried to teach her and Kathy poker, where he'd fed her and Danny more times than she could count, and where she'd told him everything about her crush on Steve, she felt the tears come and didn't bother stopping them.
When Steve pulled her against his chest, she wasn't sure he'd ever make it back to second place.
XXXXX
The Dingo was packed. Steve had been unsure about going after the way she'd cried at Grandpa Joe's, but after a couple of hours hanging out with him in his bedroom, a shower, and a fresh set of make-up, Anna was good. She felt better about Grandpa Joe than she had since he died, and she wasn't sure if it was going to his house, crying about it, or Steve that made her feel that good.
Whatever it was, she liked it. It was relaxing, and her chest felt much lighter for it. Even with Evie on the other side of the Dingo, she still felt good.
The tension at their table, however, was not relaxing. She sat in the booth between Steve and Anita, and Steve seemed oblivious to the tension as he played with her hair and talked to Soda. Soda seemed to be ignoring the tension, but kept shooting furtive glances at Anita, who was watching Two-Bit in concern.
Anna looked at Two-Bit. "Are you okay?"
He met her gaze, and she wasn't sure if he was drunk or not. "Why wouldn't I be?" he asked. "Just 'cause my ex-girlfriend's here with another guy don't mean anything."
She almost wanted to point out that it had been over two months, and if they weren't getting back together, then wasn't it about time they both moved on? Problem with that was that it would sound like a bunch of rubbish coming from her. She'd gone five months before dating another guy after Steve.
"If it's any consolation, I don't think Kathy really likes him," Steve said. "I watched him ask her out on Friday, and she seemed really unsure about it."
"But she still said yes."
"Only once she realised I was watching. I think she wants you to think she's over you."
Tapping her fingers against the table, Anna said nothing. She felt bad for Two-Bit, but agreeing with Steve was betraying Kathy's trust too much. The fact was that Kathy wasn't over Two-Bit, and despite Kathy's weird mood the last few days, she wasn't about to go spilling that one. Moving on might not have helped her or Steve, but there was still hope for Kathy. Anna didn't even know who this guy Kathy was out with was, but Kathy had said his name was Dave and he was in her English class.
Rubbing a hand over his face, Two-Bit stood. "Whatever. I've got some unfinished business with Marsha Hill anyway."
He left, walking steady enough. Anna looked at Steve.
"Who's Marsha Hill?"
"Some girl he met at Terry's party."
"I hope he's okay," Anita said. "He seemed pretty upset."
Sliding around the booth so he was now facing Anita, Soda nodded. "I think he loved Kathy more than anyone realised. Too bad she won't take him back."
"Yeah. Too bad he screwed up the way he did," Anna said, remembering Soda being annoyed with her for not taking Steve back. She wasn't about to let him say anything about Kathy.
Before Soda could reply, Anita spoke up. "Yeah, maybe he'd have her if he'd put in a little effort to keep her."
Soda stared at her for a few moments. "Well maybe he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to keep her."
"And maybe she's sick of sitting around waiting! Maybe she's been waiting for months with no progress."
"Then maybe she ought to get the hint and leave it be."
Anna didn't have to be good at math to know Soda and Anita weren't talking about Two-Bit and Kathy anymore. Anita stood, angrier than Anna had ever seen her.
"Hint taken," she spat, and left the Dingo without another word.
Soda sat for a few second, before cursing and going after her.
As bad as she felt for all her friends, Anna smirked. "Think back a month, a year. Who would've thought we would've had the stable relationship? After years of fighting, and now we're the only ones who seem to be on the right track."
Steve scoffed. "Ain't no seem about it. We are on the right track."
She wholeheartedly agreed. Leaning up to kiss him, she forgot about Grandpa Joe, she forgot about her fighting friends, and she forgot about Evie being there. She relaxed even more, sighing slightly as Steve deepened the kiss.
"For fuck's sakes," Danny complained, making quite the racket as he slid into the other side of the booth.
Anna blushed and turned toward her brother. "Hey."
He'd gotten over his frustration of her and Steve, but still hated seeing them doing anything more than hold hands. He scowled at them, looking more pissed off than usual.
"Give us a minute," he said to Steve, not asking.
It wasn't often Steve let anyone tell him what to do, but they both knew it was just easier when it came to Danny. Anna slid out of the booth to let Steve out.
"I'll be outside," he said. "Miller's got a new car I wanna look at."
She waited until he was gone before sliding back in opposite Danny. "What's up?"
Instead of answering, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and dropped them on the table.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. You wanna tell me where my missing key is?"
Digging in her coat pocket, she pulled out the key to Grandpa Joe's. She slid it across the table. Not saying anything, Danny picked it up and stared at it for a moment.
"You went?" he finally asked.
She nodded. "This afternoon."
He looked at her. "By yourself?" At her silence, he nodded. "With Randle."
"Yeah. Look, I know you hate him, but he was good to me, okay? He is good to me. He sat with me the whole time."
"You went inside?"
"Uh-huh."
Danny sighed, leaning back against the booth. "Well, I guess you don't need me no more."
His voice was light, but there was something behind it. Something she couldn't even name because she'd never heard it from him before.
"That's not true."
"Sure it is, kid."
Annoyance? Frustration? Defeat? Her eyes widened. Resignation. He truly thought she didn't need him.
"No," she said. "I'll always need you."
"You managed this without me," he said. "If fact, you couldn't even make it up the driveway when we went."
Anna didn't know what to say. It could have been time that she needed, but maybe it was Steve. Maybe he really was firmly stuck in first place, maybe she really did love Steve more than anything else. Even Danny. The idea made her a little sick because, though things had vastly improved in the last few weeks, Danny was still the only person she'd always been able to rely on. She still could, there was no doubt about that, but she wasn't absolutely sure she'd always be able to rely on Steve.
Danny was her big brother, it was basically in his contract to always look out for her, but Steve did it out of love alone. She supposed that meant more, but it was scarier when she put her trust in him to do so. Which, she was just beginning to realise, is exactly what she'd done that day.
It terrified her to put that trust into Steve, but she couldn't help it. He'd been perfect that afternoon, and she loved him so damn much. Her brother would always be that person she could go to, but there was no harm in having two. And no matter what happened or who came into or left their lives, she'd always have Danny. She just hoped she'd always have Steve, too.
He stood, fiddling with his keys to get the missing key back on. "You just make sure he doesn't screw you over, okay?"
Not sure what to say, she nodded.
With a quick grin, Danny headed to where Mary-Louise was waiting. Snaking an arm around her shoulders, he leaned down to whisper something in her ear as he walked them out of the Dingo.
She had always had trouble figuring out how Danny managed to score so many girls, but now she thought she might get it. To her, he had always just been her older brother who divided his time between being annoying, a hood, and a pain in the ass. He was always there for her, but he was also always fighting and stealing and joining in on bull sessions that she didn't need or want to hear about.
Left alone, Anna headed to the bathroom. Danny's reaction hadn't been what she'd expected and she didn't know what to think. She'd expected him to be pissed off that she'd gone there with Steve, but not that she'd gone without him. He hadn't seemed pissed off about anything other than catching her kissing Steve. In fact, when it came to her going to Grandpa Joe's without him, he'd seemed more unhappy than anything.
And that's how she got it, because she always knew he cared, and if he was that open to Mary Louise then it was no wonder the girl kept hanging around.
Washing her hands, she decided to let it go. She'd always need Danny, no matter what he seemed to think.
Leaving the bathroom, she stopped at the sight of Henry waiting for her. He hadn't spoken to her since the night he'd kissed her, and she'd really prefer to keep it that way. She knew she might have just hurt him more by letting it happen, but he had to have known she was drunk. It had been more than obvious how wasted she'd been.
"What do you want?"
"I want to apologise," he said. "For real this time."
Anna shook her head. "That's probably not a good idea. I don't know what your problem's been lately, but I know you. I know you're a nice guy, and despite everything that's happened, I don't want Steve kicking your ass again."
"Look, I was angry, okay? Actually, I was really pissed off, and I took it out on you." He paused a moment. "I should've done that. You're might be the reason I was so angry, but I still shouldn't've treated you like that."
He seemed sincere. He wasn't looking at her with that hint of malice he'd had for the last few months. Anna sighed. What she'd said was true; she knew Henry, and she knew that the only reason he'd been messing with her was because of what she'd done. She knew she'd hurt him, but if he was trying to move on from all that, then she could too.
"And I shouldn't've kissed you," he continued. "Randle might've done it when we were all at Buck's that time, but this was different. Even I know nothing's gonna come between you two."
She nodded. "Thanks for saying that."
"Which brings me to my next point," he said, scratching the back of his head. "I ain't tellin' you this to cause you problems, I'm tellin' you because I still care. The last thing I want is to see you get screwed over again."
"What're you talkin' about?"
"I saw Steve outside. He's talking to Evie."
XXXXX
Steve watched Anna as she slid into the seat next to him. Their booth was taken when he'd come back inside, and he'd had to take up at one of the few free tables left. Sliding his arm along the back of her seat, he raised an eyebrow at the hand she placed on his thigh.
"Where did you disappear to?"
"I was talking to Kathy," she said, shuffling her seat closer. "Apparently Two-Bit's already tried to ruin her date twice."
"Hardly surprising." The hand on his thigh travelled a little higher. "He sure wasn't happy to see her turn up with someone else."
"Yeah, I wish they would sort themselves out." Her nails lightly scratched at the denim of his jeans and he stared at her, trying to breathe normally.
"Are you okay?"
"Of course."
He thought a moment. "You sure you weren't with Two-Bit? I know he's got some beer on him, and you're actin' … well, different."
She grinned. "I ain't drunk if that's what you're thinkin'."
"Good. Last thing I want is you feeling me up and not even realising it."
She laughed, but when she spoke she was all sarcasm. "Wow, Stevie, you're full of jokes tonight. You know, I forgot how funny you could be."
He leaned back in his chair, enjoying the warmth of her hand. "Uh-huh. Unfortunately, I didn't forget how sarcastic you are."
"That's probably a good thing. Imagine having to get used to that all over again."
He smirked. "You hungry?"
"Nope."
"You want another drink?"
"Nah."
"What do ya want?"
"I think I wanna go home."
Oh. Well, that sucked. Even with Two-Bit and Kathy not talking, and things being awkward between Sodapop and Anita, Steve was still having a good time. Being out with Anna as his girl again was something he didn't think he'd ever get sick of. But, if she wanted to go then they would go. He wasn't about to turn her down, no matter what she wanted.
Before he could say anything, she left her seat to sit in his lap. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck, and she rested her forehead against his. When she spoke, she did it so quietly that he wasn't sure he heard her right.
"Think I could stay with you tonight?"
Steve vaguely wondered how many people could hear the change in his heart rate. The place was packed, and even if they couldn't hear what Anna was saying, they could surely hear that. Deciding to play it cool, he moved his hands to sit on her waist and figured he ought to be honest.
"Anna, you stay with me tonight and I ain't gonna be able to stop from touchin' you."
Sex was still something he aimed for, but didn't push for. He wanted her, so fucking badly, but he was pretty sure it all tied into that trust thing. They still weren't rushing anything, but he knew she wasn't going to sleep with him until she trusted him, and he couldn't blame her for that.
She smiled. "That's kinda what I was hoping for."
"Are you still upset?" he asked. "About earlier today, I mean?"
With her hands at the back of his neck, Anna kissed him. It was a long kiss, slow and lingering. She pulled away, saying, "This isn't like when Danny got hurt. I ain't sayin' this just because I was upset."
Fuck. It was times like this - times when he physically wanted Anna more than he had wanted anything in his life that he wished he didn't care for her so damn much. Because if he could just take her home and fuck her now that she wanted to - and not be wary of the consequences - then life would be great.
But it would be even better if he could take her home while she wanted to, and not have any consequences because it really was what she wanted. He frowned, not sure that even made sense. All he knew was that he couldn't do this - couldn't let Anna put out for the first time since getting back together - if she wasn't sure.
She seemed to read his mind, and pulled her head back. "Steve, I want this."
"You sure?" He stared into her eyes, watching her reaction carefully.
"I saw you talking to Evie before."
His heart sank. He already knew that; he had seen her standing next to Phillips, staring out the window. She'd given him a small smile and walked away from Phillips, so he'd decided not to bring it up. Even if he had been dreading this moment.
"I didn't want to," he said. "But Joey doesn't stop talkin' once you get him started and there's something wrong with his radiator -"
"It's okay. Well, maybe not okay, but not as bad as I thought I would be. It's like with everything else: I don't know if it's something you've done, or if it's just time, but it's okay," she said, and he wasn't entirely sure what she meant by everything else. She continued before he could say anything. "You don't want her."
"No, I don't."
She licked her lips. "But you do want me?"
The hand on her back pulled her tighter. "Fuck, yes."
"Only me."
He could hear in her voice that she already knew the answer to that but needed to hear him say it.
"Only you, Anna."
She stared at him for a moment, looking nervous. "Always?"
His heart thudded, and he was pretty sure always was about as close to forever as they had ever been. There was a part of him that knew, without any uncertainty, that his answer would change everything. They wouldn't be back where they'd been last year, they'd be even further. What surprised him most wasn't his answer, but his willingness to give it honestly without it scaring the shit out of him.
He flirted with the hem of her blouse. "Always."
She smirked. "Because you love me, right?"
"Somethin' like that."
"I love you," she said. "More than anything else."
More than anything else. Then she kissed him again, deeper and heavier than before, and it was all he could do to not moan aloud.
"Let's go," she whispered against his lips.
Fuck, how could he say not say yes?
You're my dream come true,
My one and only you.
A/N: Thanks to RM for beta-reading.