Have you noticed you can make the name Renesmee from the letters in Stephenie Meyer? You're left with Hepity and Yepith. Imagine if Nessie had had sisters...

This is terrible folks, just terrible. I apologize before you even start reading.

Gossip Gurl

If you want to know anything that's going on in town behind closed doors, I'm the one to ask. But don't try asking me how I know because I don't reveal my sources. I've just got a nose for the truth, that's all.

For instance, the new Mr and Mrs Cullen from the house round the corner had triplets not long after they were married, if you know what I'm getting at. It was a home birth, which was irresponsible. What if something had gone wrong? Like Mrs Cullen nearly bleeding to death or something? They would have had to involve the emergency services. And anyway, they're both teenagers. They shouldn't have been married and producing babies in the first place, if you ask my opinion. I mean, women can get educated and have careers these days. They can become literate enough to read baby name books and not have to make up godawful names themselves.

And man, those kids were hogs. Porkers, the three of them. They thought they were so special. They all grew up too fast, maybe their mother fed them those chickens with hormones in them. They got titties before any other girls their age, like when they were seven or something.

We called them the three little pigs: Pork, Bacon and Ham. Which is nicer than their real names believe me.

Now, if you've ever caught sight of them round the place you will have noticed they all have partners. Exactly quite how three strips of fat crackling like them attracted anybody is beyond the understanding of most people, but I can tell you a bit of what happened.

By the time they were eighteen they were such awful brats that their parents told them all they had to leave home. Mummy and Daddy were so rich that they were going to buy them a house each, so the precious little piglets wouldn't have to try living with anybody else because even their doting but realisitic parents knew they were too obnoxious for anyone else to put up with them.

Their Grandma likes to think that she is some sort of a design-person and she planned out this sort of experimental modern dumb ecology house made from natural materials, blah blah, palm tree things that was supposed to look Indonesian. Whatever that means. It looked like straw to everyone else. So Pork, I mean Hepity, the first one, is sitting in this impractical and ugly house one day and there's this really sweet guy who lives close by called Seth, who is just so nice he felt sorry she never had any visitors, and he dropped by to see her. We call him the wolf because he does marathon running and never seems to get tired. He's just skinny and fit. Seth is of uncertain gender preference, if you know what I mean, so it wasn't like he liked Hepity or anything, in fact according to the grapevine he actually liked her Dad, which is the worst thing imaginable. But after that first visit which may or may not have involved finding a sausage or hiding one, Seth and Hepity started to hang together all the time. There has been public ear-nuzzling and neck-licking. Even biting. She kind of looks like her father which is very unfortunate for a girl, to look like a man, but whatever. Sethywolf must like it.

And the next one, Bacon, whose actual name is Yepith (I know, isn't it dreadful?) has her own dumb house right next to her sister. At least Grandma's architectural aspirations weren't too embarrassing second time around, because the house is made out of actual wood, not dry grass. There's this girl called Leah who is actually Seth's sister, and of course she's known as wolf-girl, for two reasons. One is her brother, and the other is she doesn't own a razor, if you know what I'm getting at. You should see her legs. Fur. She always hangs with the boys like she thinks she's one of them and she has never been sighted in a dress. Are we on the same page here? So Leah drops round to see Yepith for some reason or other, and she knocks on the door and Yepith is saying "No, go away, I'm not home," but I have no idea what Leah says to her, and the next thing you know, Leah goes in. And I mean that. Yepith showed her the barbecue pit. She doesn't even come out again until the next morning. The two of them are smirking all over their faces from then on, and there has been boobie-gropage observed. In a town this big!

And so to the story of Ham. Her real name is something no-one can actually say, because it sounds like blowing your nose. So when anyone wants to refer to her, they make a noseblowing sound. We all know what it means, broadly speaking, although there is some confusion during flu season.

The hottest boy in town is this guy called Jake and he has a motorcyle and long hair and huge muscles and everything. Dude is tall, and he has a grin like the puppy dog you want to roll around on the floor with. Ham is all set up in her hamble abode (did you see what I did there?) and a whole new street had to be built for these three, I tell you, because nobody wants them for neighbors. Now Jakey-love and Ham's parents have known each other for ages and they have a weird relationship which consists of him and Ham's Dad sniping at each other constantly and her mom rolling her eyes. So Ham and Jake know each other pretty well, and apparently she invited him round one night for dinner. He eats like a hog, and she is a hog. I wonder what she was planning to give him? Pea and ham soup? I kill me.

Now, I know everything that happened, but I'm sure I don't need to fill you in on all the tiny details. Let's just say, Jacob Tail-wagger and Miz Resneezemee Cullen have been umbilically joined ever since. I think Jakey actually did get himself some ham on the bone that night and I bet he licked it right up too, if you know what I mean.

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Who is the narrator? That will be one of the vexing questions of our time.

With a nod and a wink to AzureEyedI and Dihenydd, who will know why, my dears.