Buccaneers

Part 4

The next night I stayed in the mess long after finishing my meal, and watched dully as half a dozen of the crew played cards. Eventually I pushed my way between two of them and asked to be dealt in. There was precious little any of us could gamble with as no-one had any money, only the pledge of money once we arrived at our destination and commenced our escapades, but everyone gambled their wages nonetheless. Thanks to my inglorious history, I'd had plenty of experience with card games and had picked up a trick or two. I was also far cleverer than any of these buffoons. I began to win, and began to accumulate a pile of promissary chits in front of me. There was an option to exchange them for rum, and this I did. I ended the night in a sorry state, not that I knew anything about it. In the morning I lay sprawled across the floor, a school of blacksmiths in my head hammering horseshoes, with each resounding hammer blow compounding my nausea, and adding to the head-splitting pain affecting me.

Staggering above decks I barely made it to the side before throwing up, and then collapsing where I stood.

"Pretteh, you sweet-cheeked babe-in-arms, you're not fit to be in the company of adults if you can't hold your drink," Garrett growled, pulling my head up by my hair and grimacing into my face. "Go back below and sleep it off. If this happens again, you'll still be up the ropes, whether you've the wit and the strength to hold on or not. And be reminded - our good Captain Eleazar's fair fond of ordering whippings, and your sweetheart Demetri's fair fond of delivering them. Now, out of my sight, boy."

Each pitch of the ship threatened to upend the scant contents of my belly and the journey back down below decks seemed the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Loathe to go anywhere near my own hammock, I returned to the mess, and slept again on the floor, after securing for myself a bowl from the galley. During the day I had need of it, as my stomach turned itself inside out. I was barely aware of my surroundings, and I barely cared.

That night, still not recovered, but having had enough of lying on a hard floor regurgitating bile, I took myself up to the bridge where Jim was on watch.

"Ye're a fool but ye're a young fool. There may be hope for ye yet," he said not unkindly, shaking his head at me.

"How much longer is this cursed voyage?" I croaked.

"Three months I'd say," he declared, and I nearly fell over, having to grab the wheel to support myself. It spun in my hand.

"Steady there, Pretteh!" Jim exclaimed. "Ye'll have us off course, and we'll wind up in some godless land of dragons and cannibals! It's not three months at all, more like a couple of weeks. Then yer life at sea'll really begin. This lovely ship of ours, The Swan - ye'll see her fly, lad. We'll chase those swarthy Spanish rascals, we'll board their buckets and we'll lighten their loads. They've stolen from us, taking our gold to make their doubloons - and we'll get it back. Ye'll be grabbing sackfuls of the stuff, Pretteh, and if one or two coins should fall into yer boot - that'd not be yer fault now, would it? Once yer back on The Swan with all the loot she'll be none the slower, because our beauteous Swan has a heart, lad. She'll bear us every time on gilded wings to safe harbor - doubt it not. Ye'll get yer wages, and all the ackee and saltfish ye can eat. And lad, back on solid ground, I advise that ye find a secure spot and bury there for yerself a little stash, but keep it dark. Injuries happen, fightin' with the pirates, and if yer not fit to sail, ye'll be stuck ashore. Ye may find a little insurance is a good thing."

Battles and adventure on the waves - he was describing the very things that had lured me to board this vessel in the first instance. That, and the thought of freedom. However I'd learned quickly that there was no freedom aboard a ship, and I no longer fancied engaging in face-to-face combat. What were the Spaniards to me? I cared not for their treasure. Having experienced the hazardous brawl with Demitri, swinging from lines and both of us in danger of falling to a watery grave, onboard fighting was not in the least inviting a prospect either. My thoughts sideswerved to Jasper's declaration that he'd leave the ship come landfall. Reluctant though I was to think of Jasper at all, I found myself of the conviction that after this voyage I too wanted earth beneath my feet.

"How long have you been doing this?" I asked Jim, to distract myself.

"Longer than ye've been alive, Pretteh. I was a fatherless brat, my mother bein' a prostitute in a dockside brothel. 'e was a sailor, that much I do know. I've 'ad no school learnin' seein' as I stowed away like a little rat when I were a seven year old. I've seen a lot, and I've 'eard more. I can tell ye what the wind says is a-comin', and I can tell where we are at night by a single star. On a clear day I'll predict rain to the very minute. I know if there be a reef beneath us or a trough, and I know from the color of the waves what mood the sea's in. But as for what it's like to be a landlubber - I wouldn't have the foggiest. The sea's my bride, for life, and I'll be buried in 'er."

Oh, to be so confident of my place. In contrast to Jim's surety I felt tossed on the wings of chance and indecision.

"What have you seen then, Jim? Monsters, mermaids?" I questioned further, intrigued in the moment.

"Mermaids - none. I'm sure they don't exist. If I'd ever caught a glimpse of a green fish-tailed girl down there, I might 'ave jumped in and I wouldn't be 'ere now. As for monsters - in all my years I've caught nary sight nor sound of serpents nor beasts beneath the waves lad, but I assure ye I've seen plenty on decks. We've our very own hellish brute aboard, ye'll know well."

At what struck me as a reference to Eleazar, my thoughts returned again to Jasper. With effort, I could avoid him until we landed in Tortuga, or I could square up and face him sooner.

And try as I had to obliterate myself with rum, the fact remained that I had to assume some responsibility for what had happened between him and me. He'd initiated it, certainly, but for my own part? I had closed my eyes and pretended to myself that he was a woman. Hadn't I? If I fled The Swan and everything in her once we arrived in Tortuga, I'd also be fleeing Jasper. I couldn't as easily run from myself.

With what almost amounted to trepidation, I returned to the passageway where my hammock was slung alongside Jasper's. It was very late, or very early, depending on whichever way you chose to look at it, and he was asleep. I gazed for some time upon his countenance in the golden flickers of light cast by the candle I carried. In repose his face was as fine and handsome as it was when animated. I had panicked like a child, unnecessarily, the other night, when really, if I could stand up to the rank and hideous Demetri, this slender lad could do me no harm at all. Settling myself ready for slumber, I wondered at my definition of harm. Demetri could hit me, and could assemble one or two followers to help him. They could hold me down and inflict serious injury. Jasper was gentle and respectful and had caused me no pain. Furthermore, he'd repeatedly assured me that he would desist at my request. So why had I been so much more shaken, so much more disturbed by what Jasper had done? Jasper had been cautious and caring, and above all, Jasper had been giving. And I'd taken. I'd hated both him and myself immediately afterwards, but I'd taken.

By staying up late talking to Jim, and by getting up early, I did manage to avoid Jasper for a couple of days. It was a dangerous undertaking to be so sleep-deprived, and I was acting in a cowardly fashion, and those two days were enough to make me disgusted with myself.

The night after that I waited for Jasper, determined to speak with him and apologize.

It was earlier than usual when the Captain's door opened, but Jasper reeled out of there with his hand covering his lips, and he barely managed to make it to the piss bucket before he retched. I couldn't stand to look at what came out of his mouth and I silently handed him a swallow of ale to wash the taste away.

Jasper nodded his thanks.

"I am going to kill him, you know, that odious bastard," I growled. "I'll cut his loathsome appendage off and shove it down his throat so far he'll suffocate on it."

Making no mention of the fact that I'd been missing for two nights, Jasper replied, "No. Murder is a fairly common occurrence at sea from what I've gleaned, given that sailors are cooped up unnaturally, and they all drink too much. I've heard of men killed because of a card game, and their bodies thrown over the side with a cannonball tied to their feet. The deaths aren't even reported to any authorities anywhere. But killing a captain is a crime you can swing for. It's not worth it."

"None here aboard would mourn him. I'd be cheered."

Jasper gave the slightest grin, and his cheek dimpled. "No doubt," he agreed. "But we don't have long to go now. I'm jumping overboard at the first sight of land. I'll be done with all of this."

He swept a hand, to indicate our current situation, while contemplating an uncertain future. But then we all of us were at the mercy of Fortune's whims.

"Jasper - "

"Edward - "

We both began at the same time. Smiling, we both said "No, you first," at the same time, too.

I bowed my head, because I believed myself to be guilty of the greater wrong, and waited for him to speak.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I make no apologies for who or what I am, but I'm sorry for taking advantage of you. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt or upset you, and you can be assured I won't touch you inappropriately again."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to make of what happened and I reacted badly. You trusted me with what must have been a difficult secret to tell, and I was immature about it. But we are one another's only source of decent conversation and humor on this sorry vessel, and I would like to keep it that way. Forgive me?"

He nodded, but we weren't quite able to shake hands. And Jasper was an astute and attuned fellow. The glaring omission in my little speech had been why I'd let him proceed the other night. The explanation I'd already given myself - that is, because there were no women around - was something I was clinging to staunchly. I had in mind that we would put the whole thing behind us and go back to our camaraderie.

And at first, that's what we did.

Downsides there were aplenty to the rough life we were leading, but quietly and late, by candle light, the pair of us managed sometimes to find some cheer in the recounting of tales and anecdotes from our pasts. We managed to find some optimism with regard to our destinies, unmapped and unknowable though they were, and we discovered a mutual love of music. With Eleazar's thunderous and hoglike snores as accompaniment, we would whisper songs in our complementing tenors, Jasper's the melody and mine the descant. Initially I had to quell discomfort that Jasper's voice was slightly deeper, and I realized I was concerned that it reflected upon my manliness. I soon put aside my foolish vanity though, on hearing that even uttered so quietly, our voices were so well suited and matching our phrasings so effortless.

It was a double life. By day the Pretteh, I kept my mouth shut and went about my work with as much dedication as was required, speaking only when spoken to. At night, I was the Edward that only Jasper allowed me to be.

And one night when Jasper spoke about what type of work and what sort of life he might find ashore, I confessed that I wished to desert the ship and stay with him.

"Eleazar is a madman. This rust bucket is stinking and hellbound. Our mission is knavish, the crew are but swine. All that is and has been endurable about this insanity is your friendship," I said.

"Then we are friends, you and I?" he responded. "I value your good regard more than anything."

"You have it," I replied firmly.

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