Well the cowboy ballerina's plan for Roza Domination wasn't going to happen today or tomorrow, because right now, they were having their honeymoon.
I could write this chapter about the couple getting it on, but if you want that go read my other story. Chapter 5, I believe. Or maybe 6. Just to be sure, read the entire thing. :D
So, while I wait for the Belikovs to come back to Court, I'm going to tell you the story of how Dimitri almost got Rose to turn into a Strigoi. This was actually my original idea for chapter 2, but I decided against it. And now I'm decided for it.
It was a bright and beautiful day, filled with unicorns and rainbows and sugarplum fairies…
Wait, no, that's not right.
It was a dark and stormy night outside Galina's estate, and because of this the Strigoi would not hunt tonight. Or maybe it was because of the large group of unpromised guardians that were venturing close, I dunno.
Anyways, all of the undead and their minions were staying in for the night, including Dimitri and I. He told me that because of the circumstances, the Strigoi would be having a meeting to pass the time, and that tonight would be the night I decided to awaken for him.
At the time, I was a Dimitri-bite-junkie, so I just nodded my head and went. "Mmmk, sweetie."
So he carried me to a room I hadn't been in before and sat me down at a table.
This wasn't really a meeting. There was a stage, but there were round tables with glowy lights, and everything was in the style that you would find at a nightclub.
The curtains flew away from the stage, and Galina made her grand appearance. She blabbed some Russian before calling out a name, and the Strigoi with that name rushed up there and took the mic.
That's when I noticed the machine behind him. It looked strangely familiar…
He began to sing a Russian song completely out of tune with the words being displayed on a readout from the back.I figured out what this was.
Strigoi karaoke night.
Except apparently in Strigoi karaoke night, if the audience complains about your singing enough, you get some form of torture. Or at least that's what Dimitri told me as the guy in the sparkly suit came up to the stage.
He started speaking more Russian, and that's when I finally got pissed, pulled out my universal remote, and hit Languages.
First, he began speaking French. The audience laughed, Dimitri gave me a stern look. I switched him over to Spanish and he sounded like one of those car dealer infomercials. Finally, we got to English, just as he and the rest of the crowd shouted out:
"WHEEL! OF! TOOOOORRRRTUUUUUURRRREEEE!"
"Thaaaat's right ladies and cruelmen, tonight we have another round of Wheel of Torture, the game where if you suck at karaoke, you get to spin a wheel choosing your form of deeeeaaaaath!" Everyone clapped. Including me. I wished we had this game back at Court.
"Go on up and choooooose your torment, Mr. Tarasov! Spin that wheel nice and hard!"
The Strigoi tried not to whimper as he spun the wheel. When it finally stopped, the wheel landed on "Mystery Door Number One".
"Weellllll Mr. Tarasov, it looks like your death is behind door number one! Go on and open the door, and thank you for playing Wheel of Tormeeeeeent! Our next karaoke contestant iiiiiiiis…Mr. Belikov!"
Dimitri winked at me and approached the stage. He cleared his throat up against the mic, just as screams and body parts went through the air. Apparently what was behind door number one was chainsaws.
Dimitri sang "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars after noting the song was dedicated to awakening me.
It would've been pretty damn good if not for the screams and body parts and such. Dimitri had an amazing singing voice. At the end, the entire audience went "AWWWWW!" and he sat back down.
That's when the really good part happened.
When he sat down, the Strigoi-
Dimitri walked out of my laptop screen and began to lose his temper at me. "NO! YOU WILL NOT TELL THE NEXT PART OF THIS STORY!"
I whined. "Whaaaat? It's funny! I'm a comedic writer!"
He glared. "No."
I pouted and crossed my arms, then it hit me. "Wait. What the heck are you doing outside my computer screen?"
Dimitri smirked. "Getting you to stop telling the story."
Rose decided to pop out too and tackled Dimka to the ground. "QUICK! TYPE IT! TYPE IT QUICKLY! BEFORE HE GETS UP!"
He got up within a few seconds, so I didn't really have any time to type up what happened next. The laptop was snatched out of my hands, and that's where he started to tell the story.
A Strigoi stood and looked me right in the eye. "Hey pardner, I don't like the way you just sang that there song 'bout yer girlie. Yew know what women are for - breedin' n' cookin', not lovin'."
That's when I rose to the challenge, hand brushing over the pistol in my holster. "I beg to differ."
"Alrighty then. I see how this is gonna be. Draw!"
("Roza, what are you-GIVE THAT LAPTOP BACK TO ME!" Dimitri cried.)
My sexy god went for Spock, and the other idiot went for scissors. So Dimitri won, obviously. Haven't you ever played Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
No, that's not what really happened.
The Strigoi stood and looked Dimitri right in the eye, but his dialogue was much different. "Hey…You mind…uh…," he gulped nervously. "Coming over to my table? You're a really sweet guy…"
Dimitri rose and arched an eyebrow. "I'm taken, you pathetic piece of govno!" Hey, looks like I'd be learning Russian after all.
However, the Strigoi was right in front of Dimitri in a second. "But you don't understand…"
("Hey, c'mon! No fair!" Rose whined.
"All is fair in love and slander, lyubov.")
We drew our weapons. He had a rather large and intimidating rifle, I a pistol of the best caliber.
("MORE LIKE PENIS!" Rose shouted.
"Quiet, Roza! You know very well that a pistol isn't even close to the size of my-HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!")
The Strigoi took out his 'rifle' and showed it to my love. "I want you, Dimka. I want you more than anyone else in the world. I want you to have me…and this…"
("No! No! NO! ROZA STOP THIS NOW!"
"No can do, comrade." Rose was giggling.
"Ah, a lover's quarrel. So much fun to watch," I proclaimed smugly.
Dimitri glared at me. "Quiet, you!")
My Dimka merely pushed him away and scoffed. "You can take that pathetic excuse for a khuy and shove it up someone else's zhopu. But not mine."
The Strigoi grinned. "Who said it was your choice?"
He pushed Dimitri to the ground, and I was too weak to do anything to stop him.
Dimitri screamed like a little girl.
Very. Very. Loudly.
My god was a girl in the first grade.
The Strigoi backed off and began to laugh. "Ahahaha! I knew you weren't so tough after all, Belikov!"
Dimitri glared and began to stand. "You are the one making homosexual allegations, Pytor."
I was unimpressed. "That's it? He screamed like a little girl?"
Rose was laughing her butt off. "Uh, yeah! How is that not hilarious?"
"Well, I was expecting something a little more…I dunno…" I shrugged, trying to come up with the words I needed.
"You're no fun." Rose pouted.
"Well, at least someone doesn't find it as funny as you do, Roza." Dimitri was restraining a smug grin of pride...by making it a smirk.
"In that case I find it hilarious." I grinned brightly, hoping to piss Dimitri off.
He swore in Russian. Rose threw a pie in his face.
"ROOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
((I'm sorry this chapter sucks. ;-; I'll do better next time, I swear!))