Chapter 6

"Friend, friend, friend, great friend", Casey couldn't stop thinking about what Alex said that night earlier; it was almost unbearable to her that the other woman called her like that, but worst of all, it wasn't letting her sleep, she would just turned from side to side of her bed, but anyway she couldn't stop thinking about that. She decided to just lay on her back and close her eyes waiting for exhaustion to come and get her; but the only thing that got to her were her memories.

"Teacher, Casey is punching Adrienne" Called a dark eyed boy.

"Casey, Casey! Stop bullying your classmates!" shouted the teacher.

"I'm not doing anything wrong miss, I'm just playing with Pam, can ask her", Answered back a little Casey Novak, wearing a mischievous grin on her pretty little face.

"Is that true Pam?" Asked the elementary school teacher to little Pam.

"Yes miss, we were just playing, we aren't even close to Adrienne", was Pam's answer to the question; she just looked over to Casey and gave her an equally mischievous smile.

Casey remembered her good old times at elementary and junior high, she was a truly happy kid, she wasn't the most popular girl ever but at least everyone got to knew her, whether for her merry attitude towards her friends or her jokes, nicknames or her mocking on almost everyone else but her few friends; right now Casey couldn't quite understand how a school bully became an attorney speaking for other persons' rights.

Those school memories were some of her happiest memories, but by the time she got to high it all changed, she changed.

She decided she would leave behind all of that teasing and raillery, she would focus on being something big in life; again it didn't go quite easy, on school she was becoming an excellent student and that surprised a lot of her classmates who had underwent a lot of Casey's bullying on the past years; at home it was the same story, she was a really great daughter and even a better sister to her brothers; however deep inside her she wasn't able to figure out what she wanted, but most importantly who she was.

For most of her time at high school she would only focus on school and sports; by the time she reached senior year, her only real close friend left was Pam; but that was the problem, Casey didn't want to be near her anymore, not because she hated Pam or doesn't liked her, but it was because she had feelings she mustn't had had. All senior year was long for her, with every day that passed she felt closer to getting away from her, and that make her feel sad but it also offered relieve.

The day of graduation arrived and she swore to herself she would enjoy it to the max. She danced, she cried, she laughed, she drank, she said goodbye, she hugged; but above all that, she kissed.

They were walking out of school together for taking a breath of fresh air, they sat at a bench just a few meters way from the school's door, they were there just enjoying each other's company, intertwining their fingers; Casey looked at her friend, and she looked back at her, "I will always miss you Pam", and just before the other girl could answer something, Casey closing her eyes leaned in and kissed Pamela, the other girl just froze, not pulling out of the moment nor deepening it.

It was a short kiss; nonetheless for Casey that moment was almost endless, when she opened her eyes all she was able to do was apologize to her friend, "Sorry Pam, goodbye", was all she stammered before running away looking for home.

That last summer vacations were hard for her, she wasn't brave enough to look for Pam, but then again Pam never attempted to look for her too, when the vacations were almost over she was grateful she could leave all of this feelings behind, now she got to prepare for something bigger, law school.

While at college Casey had plenty of things to occupy her mind with; study, softball, boyfriends.

At her time being a sophomore, she knew a couple of nice guys that she dated, even though she never got to feel a true change inside her she kept doing that because it make her felt good and somehow normal; she always thought that was kind of pathetic, while many girls experiment with girls on college, she had gone the other way round.

After a few more of those boyfriends she got to know the one that change her life, she met Charlie.

Whit Charlie things were not the same, she bonded with him, she cared for him, she lost her virginity to him; and she felt happy, maybe she could never erased who she is, but with Charlie she got to thought that she could, they got engaged.

Sadly that life was not genuine, and God or maybe Nature got in charge of messing things up; shortly before finishing law school Charlie started to change, he got rage episodes, she talked alone; afterwards he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, they weren't able to kept their relationship going, and at the end Casey broke their engagement.

Later she was clerking at Mary Clark's office, and then she started working for the DA's office for the first time, at least one of her dreams had come true.

After Charlie's incident she for the first time got the nerves to be herself, she would overcome her fears and accept what she is.

Soon after she started going out to gay clubs, knowing people like her, feeling comfortable with who she is and how she feel; then she started kissing with other women, then touching with other women, and finally having sex with other women; always keeping a low profile.

In some strange way, she started to think that her life was taking the course it always meant to had, however once again God or Nature interfered with her own plans, and Charlie appeared and attacked her, she got to let Charlie walk out of the situation without charges, but sometime later he was found death.

Once again she couldn't felt in peace, not even with herself, she always thought that perhaps if she had stayed with Charlie, he would still be alive, and sometimes she narrowly thought that maybe if she wasn't a lesbian, maybe but just maybe her life would be better.

She got all those feelings, and it hurt even more to keep all that just to her; she once thought that she found a friend in Olivia, but she has always been really an unforgiving person, and after Olivia reproached her about being clement with Saul Picard out of remorse for no helping her former boyfriend; at the moment she didn't say a thing, but afterwards she never got to be the same person with Olivia. Being honest with herself she still cared for Olivia and everyone else on the 1-6 but she never considered them friends.

And then again disgrace hit her, she was censured for lying to a judge, it was afar a fair and noble reason but she couldn't forgive herself for being so stupid; but just like that she got her life tore away from her hands.

She couldn't avoid feeling like a complete flop; she failed to justice, to her family, but mostly she failed to her own self. Went back home to her family was something she enjoy on vacation or holidays, but this time it was a whole different story, she needed her family.

Watching her brothers, nephews, nieces, and specially her mom; was something she felt grateful for, just living a simple normal life, surrounded by the people she could always count on, she even thought on quitting everything else and move back full time with her family, they might need her especially since her beloved dad passed away some years ago, and being the eldest among her brothers she felt responsible for them and her mom no mattering they all were old enough to take care for themselves, but at the moment all make pretty sense at least in Casey's head; however NYC called her back again.

"What a sad life, I just got called friend and I recalled my whole life", Casey thought while a tear roll down her cheek, suddenly she couldn't held tears anymore, and they started to shed away, "I guess I suck".

Sleepiness and exhaustion overwhelmed Casey; she just faded away into her world unfulfilled dreams.

Healing her wounds was a matter of time, but filling that void she had felt on her soul since high school was something she still had to deal with it.