Chapter 10

It was a long way home for Alex, everything crossed her mind, she felt puzzled at the entire situation with Casey; and she was afraid of explaining all that to the attorney; "What got into me?" thought to herself.

When she stepped into the safeness of her apartment, she knew it was going to be a really long night for her, since that happened she hadn't been able to think on something else; she thought it might be better to watch some movie or anything that could help her take her mind away from that.

She continued flipping channels over and over again, but she didn't find anything worth watching it; she was too tired to even stand up and go to bed, so she decided to sleep on the couch.

At the moment she turned off lights and TV, once again started thinking about what happened with Casey at Coney Island; but those memories took her back to her childhood.

"Well done sweetie keep working like that, and one day all your dreams will become true" said with a lot of pride Mrs. Cabot to her little daughter Alexandra while she checked her grades.

"Thank you mommy, I just want to be a great lawyer when I grew up, just like you, like daddy, like Uncle Bill", reply an eight year old cute blonde girl not even sure of what being an attorney meant.

She remembered how great was to be a kid, with no worries, besides excelling at school, and making her parents happy; truth was she had always been a kind hearted girl, that loved her big and pretty san bernardo named Bernie; and also enjoy playing at the park with her sister and little brother, together with her cousins. In fact that was an age Alex Cabot remembered with great affection.

Then things started to get a little more complicated by the time she was finishing junior high, her body started to change, and she got all kind of new feelings and thoughts.

By the time she was attending high school, she got a boyfriend, Richard, he was all a girl could ask at that age; handsome, intelligent, educated, caring, funny; however Alex never got to love him, somehow when they kissed, when they hugged, she always felt something was missing; she even got to feel out of place when they were together.

When high school finished, she got into something really important to her, she was on her way to accomplish her goal since the time she was a little girl, she was going into college to become a lawyer like most of her family.

Once at college it was only a matter of time for her to stand out, she was almost flawless every single time she spoke, some might called it a gift, but not for her, in her it was pure dedication; sure, she grew up surrounded by lawyers, attorneys and judges; but that never guarantees success. For Alex the law was something beyond rules, codes and regulations, for her law was a way of living, was a way of helping the helpless, for her law was doing the right thing.

But for Alex, college became something more than accomplishing her life's goals, it became her opportunity to know who she truly was and is; it was only at college that she started to think about those feelings she had long ignored. She started to know people that felt just like her, with the same kind of uncertainties, knowing was just the beginning, suddenly she secretly dated other girls; and in a couple of months she started a relationship with a certain one called Sarah; they shared a lot of things in common; music, movies, books; but they also pursued some of the same accomplishments, it didn't take long for both of them to fell in love; they kissed, they caressed, they talked, they touched each other, they made love; it all seemed perfect for Alex and Sarah, however things started to change, Sarah grew anxious about coming out together, and Alex couldn't even thing about that, she always thought on looking after her family's name and reputation, she knew something like that would easily become a scandal that would even affect all of them at court. As time passed when in senior year, Sarah fought about almost everything, she was always complaining about Alex ignoring her, or not paying attention to her or her needs; Alex never intended to made her girlfriend feel that way, however last year of school was being absolutely demanding, it consumed most of her time; on the other side Sarah thought Alex was just being uptight about them.

On a Friday night almost at the end of school term, Alex went to Sarah's dorm to apologize for their fight last day, but what she saw changed something inside her forever; there she was holding hands with another girl, flirting at the beginning, kissing by the end; that moment hurt her so bad, she wished to never had met Sarah; just as she was leaving she heard her now ex-girlfriend calling her out, pride got the best out of her, she went back and confronted Sarah about her cheating; all the excuses and pretexts Sarah threw at Alex did not work, she had lost her.

That experience at college, change Alex view of love, she learned that true love hurts much more than pretending to be some other person, even if that meant denying her true self.

After graduating, she worked hard to get a position at the DA's office, and when it happened, she ended up at a very particular bureau, sex crimes. During her tenure at SVU, she became more conscious about other people's pain and suffering, she also learned that justice isn't always fair and in most of the cases it doesn't represent closure, not for the victims and its families nor for her. On her time there she even dated some other attorneys including, defense attorneys like that douche Langan.

Her job at SVU would eventually lead to her death, and when that happened she was forced to leave everything she knew behind, her family, her friends, her job; and then she started again, but this time she wasn't Manhattan's ADA Alexandra Cabot anymore, now she was Emily from Tulsa working at an Insurance company at Wisconsin, engaged to a man; her life was a sad pantomime of what it had been once.

But once again life, had something special planned for her, she would become Alex Cabot once again just for a couple of days, she would return to NYC to help put her murderer behind bars; ironically that was the first time she would meet ADA Casey Novak.

As soon as the trial ended she went back to that fictitious life, and all she could think was about what things would she lose again, the last time she went into WPP she lost her job, and her dignity, but what really hurt her was the fact that she couldn't be at her mother's funeral; once again she would lose everything she hasn't already lost.

Once again her life would take an unexpected turn; finally she was able of coming back to stay at NYC, all the possible threats on her life were now extinguished; and in a matter of weeks she got her job back, but this time she was Bureau Chief, her life however had change she was once again engaged and now she was dubbed as a politician rather than an attorney. Again that didn't last long as most things on her life; she broke another engagement and also stepped down as Bureau Chief when she noticed she was becoming a true politician instead of fighting for victims' justice, shortly after she started working at Appeal Bureau.

On her time at Appeal Bureau, Alex decided to change her life this time by her own will not waiting for some foreign situation to change it; she would live just by the way she feel, working on the things she like, going out to where she want, and loving who she wish.

At some point she thought she would end up stuck at appeals, but then destiny played one for her own sake, and she went back to SVU; on the side she finally dared to secretly date woman again, she still considered important to keep clean her family's image, but to finally accept herself as gay was an important step on her life, she once again was allowing herself to knew someone that could make her feel loved, and that was far more important that tons of meaningless engagements.

Shortly after she got moved by a case, so much she decided to take a leave of absence to help people overseas; that sole fact touched her enough to reassess her life; but what awaited back at home was what was changing her world.

"Maybe it's time to stop running from my inner self" Alex thought to herself, "I can't run away all life, eventually I'll fade, but I don't want to suffer again for love, I don't want to suffer for you"; was all the blonde thought before falling asleep with Casey on her mind.