A/N: Spoilers for The Kindred II, Ghost in the Machine, and Whispers with a vague reference to Broken Ties.

A Private Conversation

Carson pulled John's arm tighter across his shoulders and clutched the man's belt in a death grip as he stumbled through the tangles of brambles and scrub. John's head lolled forward, the dried blood creating rusty streaks from the gash near his hairline to his jaw. Sweat soaked Carson's shirt and trickled into his eyes, blurring the desolate landscape. Nothing but rock and husks of vegetation extending to the horizon.

Shale wobbled under his boot, and he fell, twisting quickly to absorb as much of John's impact as he could. Carson bit back a curse when John's full weight landed on him and sharp stones dug into his spine. He rolled John onto his back then flopped down with a sigh. Of all days for Ronon to be off.

John moaned, his lids slowly lifting. He mumbled something unintelligible then promptly passed out again.

Carson patted his shoulder. "I understand completely."

He took a sip of water then dribbled a little on John's lips. The afternoon sun was waning a bit, but the humidity was thick enough to cut with a knife. How a place this barren could have that much moisture in the air was a mystery to him. He'd have to ask Rodney when he got back.

Carson mopped the sweat off his face, tied his overshirt around his head, and pulled an antiseptic wipe from a pocket. He was cleansing John's wound when he stirred again.

Confused eyes that couldn't focus stared up at him. "Carson?"

"Easy, son. Don't move about too much. I know your head must feel like it's split wide open." He washed the crusted blood off John's face and gently applied a butterfly bandage. "Do you know your name?"

"John Sheppard."

"Do you know where we are?"

John's eyes shifted a bit. "Afghanistan?"

"Not quite. What day is it?"

"Meat loaf day."

Carson chuckled. "That's cheating. Every day is meat loaf day."

John tried to push upright then dropped with a moan. "What happened?"

Carson wrapped an arm around John's back and tugged him up enough to lean against a nearby boulder. "Take a few sips of this," he handed over his canteen, "slowly! – and I'll tell you."

John's hands shook but he lifted the container to his lips obediently.

"We were exploring one of Michael's labs when something – a quake or a booby trap – set off a rock slide."

"My team?"

Carson smiled. Some things never changed. "Teyla has gone for help. Ronon and Rodney aren't here."

Alarm sharpened John's eyes. "Where-"

"Ronon had that Satedan warrior thing today in honor of Tyre, and Rodney has the flu."

"Right," John scoffed. "The flu he suddenly developed when he heard how hot it was going to be here."

Carson caught about every other slurred word. "That's entirely possible, but he was feverish and shivering so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. This time."

John laughed softly then squinted up at him. "Where are we?"

"M6P-737. A giant hunk of rock with no redeeming qualities that I could find."

"Then why are we here?"

Carson sighed. Concussions wreaked such havoc. "Michael had a lab here," he repeated.

"A lab?" John pushed up then rolled over and tried to stand. "We need to check it out." His knees buckled and he slid sideways. "Help me!"

Carson scrambled to his side. "What are you doing? You are in no shape to go back there. We barely escaped last time."

John clutched Carson's shoulder and attempted to pull himself up. "Escaped?"

Carson grabbed John's arms. "Stop. Now." When John slumped in his grip, Carson helped him back to the boulder. "Yes, escaped. Apparently the natives thought we damaged the lab on purpose. Michael built it inside some kind of sacred relic and when the rockslide destroyed it-"

John paled. "The lab is gone?"

"It's under ten tons of rock." Carson frowned at John's hiss. "What is it, lad?"

"Was it a cloning facility?"

"I don't know. Why?"

John shook his head. "Nothing. It's stupid." He blinked woozily at Carson as his head began to bob toward his chest.

"Stay with me." Carson patted John's cheek. "Come on, son. I need you to stay awake in case those folks come for us again."

John peered at him through half-raised lids. "What folks? Where are we?"

Carson explained again while he surreptitiously checked John's vitals. The man's pulse leapt when Carson mentioned the lab.

"We have to go back," John insisted.

Carson held his shoulders. "You know that we can't."

"But…" John clenched his eyes shut and blew out a shaky breath. "Did we save any of the data?"

"We barely got in the door."

John sagged back, a wild mix of emotions flitting over his face. Carson hesitated to question him, knowing John was not as in control of his thoughts and emotions as he usually was, but the man's fixation on the lab troubled him. He decided not to push.

"Maybe we can come back with jumpers, salvage something," John muttered. "The combat engineers might be able to rig up something."

So much for not pushing. "What is it about the lab that concerns you?"

The stoic mask John usually wore had disappeared when that rock smacked the side of his head, but Carson still sucked in a surprised breath at the grief on his face. "Thought we could fix Elizabeth."

Carson's mind reeled at the statement. "What?" he finally stammered.

John's gaze drifted as his head dropped back. "She needs a human body."

Carson sat back, trying to put the pieces together. "And you thought we could make her one in Michael's lab?"

"He made you."

Carson flinched at the words. Sometimes, when he first woke, he forgot that this wasn't really his life, that the memories he had actually belonged to a dead man. The life he'd made helping the peoples of Pegasus had fulfilled him in a way he hadn't thought possible, and most days he was content to put the past behind him and focus on the future. He really hoped John wouldn't remember saying that.

"It was the only good thing Michael ever did," John continued, his voice slurred and eyes unfocused. Carson doubted he knew he was speaking out loud. "If we could figure out how he did it, we could make a body for Elizabeth. Then everything would be right again."

"John, listen to me." He tapped John's cheek until their eyes met.

"Carson? Where did you come from?" John blinked rapidly and looked around in confusion. "Where are we?"

Carson ran through the explanation again, ready this time when John's eyes went wide at the mention of the lab.

"We need-"

"We can't go back," Carson interrupted. "Besides, Michael's science is so far beyond me that I don't think I could learn it in my lifetime. Even if I had a sample of Elizabeth's DNA and understood how Michael's cloning process worked, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to access her memories and personality the way Michael did for me. And I certainly don't know how to download them from her Replicator body. Do you understand?"

John's brows drew together and he pulled away. "Yeah."

"I know it's hard to let go, son."

The emotional distance widened as John leaned his head back and stared at the sky. Carson waited, torn between wanting to know what this was really about and respecting John's privacy. When the silence stretched, Carson turned away and began cataloguing the supplies in his vest, making mental notes on what to bring next time.

"I left her behind."

Carson froze. The words were mumbled, slurred, like they were out of a dream. He kept his back to John. "No, you didn't. You obeyed an order."

"How do you know?"

Carson wondered if John comprehended that he was having a conversation. "Ronon told me. He can be quite chatty when he wants."

"I should've done something." It was more of a sigh than a statement.

Carson glanced over his shoulder. John's eyes were closed. "I know I'm missing that last year with her, but I knew her for a long time before we left Earth. What made Elizabeth such an effective leader was that it was never about her. She always put the mission and the city ahead of herself." He turned to face John. "If you had tried to save her, what would have happened?"

John's lids fluttered then shut again. "Would've been caught. Still-"

"There is no 'still,'" Carson insisted. "You would have been caught, Atlantis would have crashed, hundreds of people would have died. Elizabeth sacrificed herself to save all those people. To save me."

"You?" John murmured.

"I know she didn't realize it, but, yes, me. If you had died, who would have rescued me from Michael? Who would have stopped him from destroying this galaxy?"

John took a shuddering breath. "Still feels wrong."

"I know it does, lad, because that's the kind of man you are."

John huffed a laugh. "I told her she wasn't really Elizabeth Weir. The last thing I ever said to her. How could I…" He shook his head, his gaze drifting somewhere behind Carson. "The look on her face, when she walked through the gate. Into space." John's voice had flattened into a monotone. "And I let her do it." He sighed. "I just stood there and watched."

Nothing Carson said was going to assuage that kind of guilt, but he'd try anyway. "Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror every day?" He waited until John blinked away the trance and looked at him. "I see a man who helped Michael murder thousands of people."

John pushed upright, his awareness sharpening "Carson-"

"It's the truth. I never intended to kill them. I told myself that if I kept working at it, I could perfect the serum so that nobody died. If I didn't help Michael, he'd kill the people he'd captured." Carson swallowed thickly as the memories flooded his mind. "No matter what I did, someone was going to die."

"Yeah," John said softly.

"Having Replicators on Atlantis put the city at risk. Elizabeth knew that. One man died and the city was almost destroyed. You allowed Elizabeth to save Atlantis. You trusted her to do it, to walk through and lure the others. That must have meant so much to her."

"Maybe." John didn't sound convinced.

"You would give your life for Atlantis if necessary, right?" When John nodded, Carson continued, "So would the rest of us. Elizabeth made a choice. Stop trying to take credit for it."

Something shifted in John's expression, and his eyes lightened as he gave a wan smile. "I'll try."

"Good." Carson's stomach growled and he pulled a power bar from his vest pocket. "Hungry?"

John grimaced. "No." He settled against the boulder and blinked wearily. "Where are we?"

Carson chuckled and repeated the story, leaving out the lab this time.

"Exploring a useless hunk of rock." John's brows arched. "Whose idea was that?"

"Yours, actually. This will make more sense when we get back and get you treated. For now, all I can do is keep you hydrated."

"Thanks." John perked up a little as he drank from the canteen Carson offered. "How's Porter?"

Carson choked on a bite of power bar. "What?"

"Come on, Doc, I know she's been helping you."

The burn raced up his neck to the tips of his ears. "She's fine. Lovely girl. Very smart."

John smirked at him. "Yep, that's what I thought."

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me."

Carson tugged at his shirt collar. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Chicken."

"Am not."

John groaned. "Don't start that. I get enough practice with McKay."

"I really don't have much time."

"If Rodney can make time…"

Carson grinned. "Speaking of Rodney, how is-"

"No changing the subject."

"What about you, Colonel. Who are you seeing?"

John flushed a rosy shade of pink. "No one."

Carson's jaw dropped. "You lie worse than Rodney."

"I do not."

"Tell me."

John squinted at his watch. "How long has Teyla been gone?"

"You are going to be in the infirmary for at least two days. You might as well tell me now."

"I think my headache's getting worse."

"Nice try, but…" Carson trailed off as the wind roared around them and a jumper coalesced overhead.

John closed his eyes. "Saved by the jumper," he muttered.

Carson chuckled as the ship landed and a med team hurried toward them. The jumper had only delayed the inevitable. He'd get John examined and settled first. Then he'd pry the information out of him.

After all, Carson needed something to talk about when he woke John every few hours. The man would cave. They all did, eventually.

Written for tridget who wanted to see a moment between John and Carson. Thanks to kristen999 for the beta.