From the Author's Mind: (Updated June 2011)

It's nice to be re-reading this again and spell-checking as I go along. I enjoyed writing this a lot and I hope you're enjoying reading it. Apparently the Russian thing with Hedwig and Gir came from my friend Emily but neither of us remember where it came from or why we thought it was funny. Anyway, enjoy!

Chapter Two

The first day of classes dawned far too early. Everyone was eating in the cafeteria, having been forced to bring their own food since the cafeteria ladies wouldn't be ready for them until lunch. The smells of something akin to burning clothing and leaves were permeating through the kitchen walls.

Lloyd, Genis, Colette, Presea, Sheena, and Zelos all crowded around a table, eating some delicious fruit salads Genis had prepared. Dib and Gaz were both eating toast. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna all sat at their own table, each eating things like porridge and bacon. Zim paced, worried.

"Where is Gir? Trude?" Zim asked himself, "He… she… should've returned hours ago with our informational packets."

"Missing something, Zim?" Dib asked from a table over, "Not worried about your little robot friend, are you?"

"Who? What robot? WHAT CRAZINESS DO YOU SPEAK?" Zim yelled.

"Not today, guys," Sheena said, looking exhausted, "It's too early."

"Sheena, you look terrible!" Colette pointed out unhelpfully.

"I know. That crazy one… Girtrude… she came in at three this morning, demanding I take her to the leprechauns. Speaking of which…" Sheena trailed off as Ron walked over.

"Any of you guys know where our first lesson is?" asked Ron, who had left his confused friends for, hopefully, a more informed crowd.

"Yes, it's in the A Building," said Genis at once, "It's second period Social Study with Ms. Bitters."

"Oh no! Do we have a class First?" asked Lloyd, grabbing his schedule out of his bag.

"No, that's only Martial Arts training. Regal teaches it, and only about six students take it," Genis replied.

Ron returned to his table, where the others were in various states of awareness. Ginny was as tired as Sheena, having been cornered by Girtrude on her way to the restroom. Hermione looked wide-awake and excited to start classes. Harry and Neville both looked a little sleepy, but this was to be expected in the morning. Luna, as always, looked like she was on narcotics.

"Where is Hedwig?" Harry asked no one in particular, "She should be here with the post by now."

"What are you expecting?" asked Ginny.

"The Daily Prophet," said Harry.

"Oh," said the girl, uninterested.

Then, the window burst and showered the Hogwarts table with glass. They could make out two figures, Hedwig, and Girtrude, who was riding the poor owl. Screeching furiously, Hedwig tried to pitch Girtrude off into Harry's lap, but only succeeded in knocking over the goblet of milk, right onto Hermione's new stack of books.

"Aww, Rasputin!" Girtrude was saying to the owl, "You said you'd take me to the volcano!"

"Hedwig!" Harry cried, trying to grab the owl.

"Wheehehehehe!" Girtrude giggled, pulling on the birds' feathers. They both flew straight up, shattering another skylight, and flying out of sight. Everyone stared for a minute, and then, a bell rang. They had fifteen minutes to make it to class.

"Don't worry, Harry," said Hermione as they walked to the right building, "Hedwig can take care of herself."

"That Girtrude girl is mental. And so is that Zim guy, and Dib. And Gaz is just scary," said Ron.

"Good. You should be scared," Gaz said, elbowing her way past Ron. Presea followed closely, her chainsaw music loud as ever.

"Blimey… I didn't even hear her come up," Ron said, looking pale.

They were the first to arrive. But the door was locked. The rest of the class eventually assembled (Girtrude and Hedwig had flown in a few minutes after the last people arrived). The bell rang, and the door opened. Ms. Bitters slithered out from behind it, her usual anger radiating from her body.

"Children…" she hissed the word, "Enter now. And be quiet."

"Now this is mental…" Ron muttered.

Everyone stood in front of the room. Ms. Bitters stood behind her desk. She took a large roster out and started pointing to random people.

"Dib! Zim! You were in my class, take your seats," said Ms. Bitters.

"Where?" Dib asked.

"Where you sat in my other class," Ms. Bitters said, growling.

"Alright, alright, we're going," said Dib, flatly.

"You, Gaz. Take a seat in the back. It's where you'll end up in life anyway," Ms. Bitters commanded.

Gaz merely grunted and put herself in the back row. Her Game Slave 4 continued to beep, and her eyes would bug every so often.

"The rest of you, sit down. If you make a sound, bad things will happen to you," said Ms. Bitters.

"Like what?" one student asked. He was not with any of the main groups, the only one not to be so.

The floor opened up and the boy fell inside of it, screaming as he fell into God-knows-what. The rest of the class froze, stared at Ms. Bitters with looks of utter terror on their faces, and scuttled to their seats. Predictably, Genis and Hermione were front-and-center of the class. In the back row, Harry and Ron were in one corner, Presea and Gaz in the other. The row in front had Luna sitting around Gaz and Presea, Girtrude and Colette happily whispering about animals, and Lloyd staring at Colette and her beauty. Zelos, Ginny, and Sheena were in the row ahead, Zelos admiring the nice view his central location gave him, and Sheena talking quietly with Ginny. Neville was the only person in the second row, right behind Genis.

"I am here to attempt to force your brainless heads to comprehend a simple thing called Social Study," said Ms. Bitters, picking up her long poker stick thinger, "And this means History, Civics, Government, Psychology, Sociology, Moroniology, Consumerism, and all that encompasses that broad category of Social Study."

"Ms. Bitters?" Dib interrupted.

"What now, Dib?" Ms. Bitters replied.

"I would like to make a quick announcement to my new classmates… may I?" asked Dib.

"… You have eight words, Dib," Ms. Bitters said, twitching.

"My fellow students, Zim is an alien. I—"

"—your words are up, sit down!" Ms. Bitters hissed.

"But I…" Dib said, and trailed off as Ms. Bitters got in his face and growled like the Chihuahua. Everyone stared, not knowing what to think. Zim smirked.

"May I, ma'am?" asked Zim.

"Yes," Ms. Bitters.

"Permission to add a few more words?" Zim asked, looking as respectful and innocent as possible.

"Granted," Ms. Bitters said, slithering back to her desk.

"My fellow students… I come here, not to harm or hurt you. I come to be peaceful, gentle, and make friends with you," Zim began, standing in front of the room.

"Noooooo you dooooooon't…" sang Girtrude.

"SILENCE!" Zim roared at him… her… it… "My friends, I merely wish to explain to you why heartless Dib seems to think I'm an alien. You see, I have a skin condition."

Colette and Hermione gasped, looking horrified. A few people looked convinced, but some, including Genis and Presea, looked doubtful. Many turned cold eyes on Dib, who sat with his mouth open, gesturing furiously, but without the permission to make a sound.

"This very annoying condition causes me to have green skin, no ears, and a very fragile soul. I wish those of you the best of luck on your journeys in life, because it may not be long before mine comes to an abrupt and painful end. Thank you," Zim said soberly, sitting down and hiding an evil grin with a pretend sob.

"Zim, we didn't know!" Colette said, tears in her eyes.

"We hope you have a fun time here…" said Hermione.

"I don't know…" Genis muttered, "I have never heard of that kind of condition before…"

"It's very, very rare," Zim said, "I guess I just lost the genetic lottery, you know…?"

"If you children are done, your attention should be focused up here now. To begin with our unit on Social Study, we will do a unit on all the MISTAKES and FAILURES of the past so you can see exactly what will happen when you become adults yourselves. But first, we must get our utensils."

She hovered to the door and her legs rematerialized like landing gears. In the cupboard were gigantic, stapled papers, held together by very powerful staples. She threw these at everyone, each landing on their desks perfectly.

"Because of budget cuts, we have been issued government textpackets for the duration of the school year. You are responsible for the upkeep and protection of these textpackets. If you lose, damage, break, burn, deface, destroy, violate, trash, recycle, or otherwise harm a single fiber in these packets, the replacement costs will be more than you will ever make. So don't hurt them!"

"Does it really cost that much more for textbooks instead of textpackets?" asked Lloyd.

"Yes. Now be quiet, I must teach," said Ms. Bitters, "Open your packets to page 16, we shall begin our discussion on the Eucalyptus Wars now."

"What war was this?" whispered Ron to Harry.

"Hell if I know," Harry replied, gloomily opening his textpacket.

"You can see from this detailed drawing, children," said Ms. Bitters, displaying a picture on the overhead (which was merely a few stick figures with guns, and some red blood), "General Plumbumfinkcle was a fool, for if anyone could inspire so much hate among minorities such as—"

"I'VE FOUND IT!" Girtrude shouted, eyes bugging from the costume, "IT'S THE PROMISED LAND! RASPUTIN! RASPUTIN, WE MUST GO! WHEE!"

Girtrude flung itself through the classroom, past Miss Bitters, into the overhead's projection and the wall, and through the walls, leaving a big hole where it was. Everyone stared once more, and then turned back to their teacher, who was talking like nothing ever happened.

"… and then the fighting broke out a dark, gloomy, depressing day in April. It was catastrophic, and Plumbumbfinkcle should've thrown himself off a cliff for that reason…"

"Ms. Bitters!" Hermione said, hand in the air.

"Who are you and what do you want?" asked Ms. Bitters.

"Hermione Granger, ma'am, and I wanted to ask you a question about the first battle in Ridgebu… why did they use the Defensive Plan instead of the Offensive Plan General Plumbumbfinkcle came up with?"

"I was once a soldier…" said Miss Bitters, a flashback occurring. She stood on a hill with a helmet, a gun, some binoculars around her neck, and a cigar in her mouth. She gritted her teeth, snarling something, and waving her arms for them to move out. They walked for a little bit, "I saw some things I never want to think about again…" Charging platypuses suddenly attacked, and the whole platoon went down in mere seconds, "And so, you see, that is why you can never trust mammals to do anything right. They always screw it up somehow."

"But aren't humans mammals?" asked Sheena.

"Congratulations, you win a golden star," said Ms. Bitters, throwing a giant, golden star at Sheena. The ninja-girl ducked out of the way and it somehow managed to hit Zelos in the face. Sheena picked her head up, looking mortified. Zelos was knocked unconscious, but no one really cared that much, so he lay there, bleeding and not moving.

"Now, for our next lesson—" Ms. Bitters began, but was interrupted by a loud beeping noise, "Ah. It appears we have an announcement. Bow before the great computer!"

The computer that had tried to get everyone's DNA before dropped out of the ceiling again. It slammed onto the projector, shattering it. It made a few beeping noises, and then began to speak.

"All of those wishing to take magical courses must take Intro to Magic this evening and pass the test. If you fail to pass, you are obviously a pathetic, normal worm and have no special talents and will never amount to anything in life. The only way to redeem yourself is to donate lots of your blood to…"

"Alright, that's enough from you," Ms. Bitters said, kicking the computer with so much force that it flew out the side of the classroom wall, taking a large chunk of the wall with it. Then the bell rang.

"That was ridiculous," said Sheena as they walked along the courtyard.

"I don't think so," said Hermione, reviewing the notes she'd taken, "I learned a lot about how Australian plants can cause so much hatred between Jews and Republicans…"

"She is a novel teacher," agreed Genis, "But not an unintelligent one."

"Alright!" Lloyd said, happily, "We have Professor Sage next!"

"And then that Bitters woman again," pointed out Ginny, "She's a psycho…"

"Where's Zelos? Did anyone remember to get him up from his nap?" Colette asked.

"You know, I think he stopped being among the living," said Sheena, smiling faintly.

Back in Ms. Bitters' floor, Zelos awoke. Ms. Bitters stood at the front of her slightly destroyed room, staring at Zelos. Zelos stood up and smiled a little nervously. She kept staring. He blinked. She stared. Beads of sweat poured out of Zelos' face as his teacher kept her eyes on him at all times.

"Okay, see ya!" said Zelos, rushing out of the room as quickly as possible. She continued to stand there, not moving for another hour or so.

When the bell rang again, everyone reported to Raine's Math Class. The Professor had been spending most of the morning preparing, and was excited to get teaching. This was obvious as she skipped around the room joyously while everyone was entering. Genis looked highly embarrassed at his sister's behavior.

"Raine, calm down," Genis hissed, "You're scaring the others."

"That's Professor Sage, Genis," corrected Raine happily.

"But… oh, whatever," Genis said, taking a seat in the front row again.

"No, no, I'm putting you all in Alphabetical Order," said Raine with a grin, "I'll post the seating arrangements…"

Row 1: Colette, Neville, Genis

Row 2: Presea, Luna, Ginny, Zim

Row 3: Sheena, Dib, Ron

Row 4: Hermione, Gaz, Zelos

Row 5: Lloyd, Harry, Girtrude

"You realize I was already in the right seat, right?" Genis said, flatly.

"This isn't so bad…" said Colette, "I'll be able to see the board.

"Aw… Professor," whined Zelos, "I'm not near any hunnies…"

"That's a good thing, Zelos," replied Sheena, who was looking a little anxiously at her next-door neighbor, Dib.

"Your hair smells like an emu!" Girtrude said, leaping on top of Ron.

"Oy! Get off me!" Ron shouted, throwing Girtrude off his head.

"Why does Zim get his own row?" Dib complained.

"Because, puny Dib cow, I am superior to you," said Zim.

"I'm going to be surrounded by idiots…" Gaz moaned.

"But… I wanted a front row seat…" Hermione sighed.

"Hey, Harry, we get to sit next to each other!" Lloyd said, happily.

"Great," said Harry with no enthusiasm.

"Oh…" said Luna, "Row Two and Two seats from the window. That'll attract a Gliphery!"

"What's a Gliphery?" asked Neville.

"Ignore her, Neville," Ginny said.

"I can trade with you, Luna!" Hermione practically shouted, almost throwing herself on top of the younger teen.

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Raine shouted, eyes blazing, "SIT IN YOUR SEATS. THESE ARE FINAL, AND THERE ARE NO CHANCES OF CHANGING!"

"But…"

"I SAID SIT!" Raine commanded, wielding her staff like it was a weapon of mass destruction. Then again, in her hands, it was.

"This class is gonna be hell… pure hell…" muttered a voice, which couldn't be identified. Raine's head shot up like a vulture's, and she glared for a few moments, before proceeding to write some stuff on the board.

"Sheena," muttered Hermione.

"What?" Sheena whispered behind her.

"What does that third line of instructions say?"

"They say we have to open our textpackets to page three and—" Sheena began.

"Why? We don't even have our packets yet!" Hermione snapped.

"Gee, could that be because… she hasn't given us our texts yet?" Sheena retorted, whirling around to look Hermione in the face.

"You know, Sheena," said Hermione, coolly, "You might consider combing your hair in the morning, I can't see past it."

"And Zelos calls me a hypocrite? Looked in a mirror lately, Little Miss Shrub?" Sheena retorted in an acid tone.

The people around them were beginning to enjoy themselves. Zelos especially enjoyed watching the girls fight, while Harry and Lloyd nervously waited to see if they'd have to intervene. Gaz's eye twitched with every other word, and the rest of the class tried to pay attention to Raine, who was outlining the entire course for them.

"Well, let's agree to disagree," said Hermione, "I have bushy hair, you have a big head. End of discussion."

"You call my head big? What about him?" Sheena cried, pointing to Dib.

"My head is not big!" Dib yelled.

"Your voices… MAKE THEM STOP!" Gaz roared.

The class seemed to break out into general pandemonium at that point. The only three who seemed to either not notice the small riot building, or rather had nothing to contribute, were Luna, Presea, and Zim (although he was laughing maniacally).

"RAY!" Raine suddenly shouted.

The bursts of light erupted from right above the center of the room, slamming straight into all the students. Although only Lloyd, Dib, Zelos, and Zim took direct hits, they got the message. Raine stood before her class, breathing heavily and shaking. Everyone else remained in whatever position the explosive spell had put them in, since none had ever had a teacher that would try and eradicate half the class if they were disruptive.

"I will have order when I'm teaching!" Raine snarled, spit flying from her mouth, "Now, since this class is almost over, you're homework will include finishing up notes for section one and doing all the problems on Page 12!"

"Noooo… homework…" groaned Lloyd.

"Lloyd, if you want to keep your head, you should shut up," Harry whispered from next to him.

"Presea, can I ask you a question?" asked Dib.

"… Yes?" Presea asked, cutting her eyes to Dib for a few seconds.

"How did you avoid that ray of light?" asked Dib.

"I moved," said Presea simply as the bell rang. She stood up and walked robotically from the room. Dib stared.

The next class, to many of the students' dismay, was Careers. Once again, they graced the presence of Ms. Bitters, who was in a different room since her other room was still smoldering slightly. Their sadistic teacher stood before them, a stack of papers in her curved hands. They took the same seats they'd taken in Social Study, and Ms. Bitters stood next to her desk, waiting for the bell to ring. When it did so, her door slammed shut with a sinister locking noise, and she moved to the center of the room.

"Some of you are future people," said Ms. Bitters, "But most of you are nothing, and will remain NOTHING forever. But that is irrelevant to this class. You are here to learn about the joys in holding a career, but, first, we must find out what your careers are."

"Is it the blob test again?" asked Dib.

"No," said Ms. Bitters, "It's a better test now. It has green, wavy lines."

"But, the test already said that I'd be a Para—" Dib started to complain.

"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters snapped, "You will take this test again to see if your futures have improved. Though this is highly doubtful."

"Please, ma'am," Hermione asked, breathlessly, "When will we know our results?"

"When you are finished with your test," said Ms. Bitters, taking a step towards Hermione, "Our computer will analyze them and give us an instantaneous answer."

"How specific is it?" asked Neville.

"Very," said Ms. Bitters.

"What are the chances these will be right?" asked Ron.

"One hundred percent," replied Ms. Bitters.

"Though there is a .0048% margin of error," Presea added.

There was a stunned silence. No one had ever contradicted Ms. Bitters before. The teacher regarded the student closely, a strange look on her face. One that was eerily… prideful.

"Um… Ms. Bitters… the tests…" said Genis, timidly.

"BEGIN!" shouted Ms. Bitters, slamming the papers down on everyone's desks, one by one.

The test was actually very easy. The blots were back, and there, indeed, were some squiggly, green lines. There were even a few general knowledge questions on the third page, and a small written response on the fourth page (it had something to do about whether it was relevant for the government to invest in the educational system). When time was up, Ms. Bitters collected the answers.

"Computer, analyze this," said Ms. Bitters.

The computer plummeted out of the ceiling again. It made a grinding noise as it started up, and then spoke in a very sullen, angry voice.

"Analyze this, analyze that, WHERE IS THE BLOOD YOU PROMISED ME?" roared the computer.

"Another time," Ms. Bitters replied, coldly, "Just analyze these tests."

"… meh," the computer said, scooping the papers up, spitting another one out, and then retreating into the ceiling.

"Your fates have been decided once more. Colette… you are going to be a veterinarian," said Ms. Bitters.

"No surprise there," said Lloyd as Colette squealed and clapped her hands together.

"Presea, you will be the one to take over for me when I pass on," said Ms. Bitters.

"… Yes," said Presea, nodding slightly.

"Sheena, you are going to be a Telemarketer," said Ms. Bitters.

"What? You've gotta be kidding!" said Sheena.

"You'll have to make funds for Mizuho somehow," said Lloyd, snickering.

"Hermione, you're going to be a—" Ms. Bitters began.

"NO! Don't tell me!" cried Hermione, plugging her ears.

"… Lloyd, you're going to be a barber," said Ms. Bitters.

"Wait, what? A barber!" exclaimed Lloyd.

"You'll need to make funds for better swords somehow," Sheena snickered.

"Hey, these are made of solid sycamore," Lloyd replied, showing her one of his wooden swords. Harry edged his seat away slightly.

"Neville, you're going to be a Nurse," said Ms. Bitters.

"But… I can't stand the sight of blood," said Neville, looking pale.

"Luna, you're going to be a conspiracy theorist and C.I.A. operative," said Ms. Bitters.

"Hehehe… the birds flew away…" said Luna, who was staring at a flock of birds that had been previously sitting on the side of the window.

"Dib, you're going to be a… Paranormal Investigator," said Ms. Bitters, flatly.

"Yes! Again!" Dib said.

"Gaz, you're going to be a Kindergarten teacher," said Ms. Bitters.

"But… the children… they fill me with such a deep rage," Gaz said, eyes bugging slightly.

"Harry, you're going to be a man," said Ms. Bitters.

"… That was anti-climactic," said Harry, "But nice to know."

"Genis, you're going to be a Chef. Who cooks things. With magic. A Magical Chef," said Ms. Bitters.

"Cool! I can finally combine my two passions in life!" Genis said, excitedly.

"Being a brat and a loser?" Zelos said from the back.

"Zelos," said Ms. Bitters, going out-of-order for a minute, "You're going to be a man-whore. With syphilis."

"That explains so much…" said Sheena while Zelos looked stunned.

"Ginny, you're going to be an actress," said Ms. Bitters.

"Cool. Will I make a lot of money?" asked Ginny.

"… Yes," said Ms. Bitters, "Ronald, you're going to be an astronaut."

"What's an astronaut?" Ron asked, perplexed.

"Zelos, you're going to be a singer," said Ms. Bitters.

"Wait, isn't he going to be a man-whore?" Sheena asked, looking crestfallen.

"Yes," said Ms. Bitters, "Girtrude, you are going to be a farmer."

"FINALLY!" Girtrude screamed, and then ran from the room, knocking the door askew on its hinges.

"Gir! Trude! Get back here, this instant!" Zim called after his robot. Out the window, they saw her calmly walking away, towards another building.

"Zim! You will be…" Ms. Bitters began.

"LORD OF ALL HUMANS!" Zim roared.

"… yes," Ms. Bitters replied.

"FINALLY!" Zim cried, and then ran around the room, cackling maniacally, "I SHALL RULE YOU ALL FOREVER!"

"Take your seat, Zim!" Ms. Bitters called, "For today's lesson, we shall—"

She was interrupted by a large, bright, flashing red light that fell out of the ceiling, hit the floor, and started to blink at a seizure-like level. A loud alarm sounded, its decibel level enough to cause everyone to clamp their hands to their ears.

"It would appear we have a fire emergency in the school," said Ms. Bitters, "Children, follow the evacuation procedure and keep to the correct hallways or the scary fire demons of North Dakota will eat your solar plexus."

"Do you think they really exist?" Colette called above the noise.

"She probably just made them up," came the shouted reply of Ginny, "Let's go, everyone!"

They left the large building. Having been on the first floor, this was no problem for them. The fire, apparently, had started on the third floor, and many people were still escaping, hacking up lungs and spleens. Hermione seemed on edge.

"Don't you think we could put this out with our magic?" she asked the other wizards.

"Maybe. But this is just too cool!" Ron said, watching as part of the roof collapsed.

"Danger of building collapse: 96%. Repositioning advised," Presea said.

"She's right. We should really move…" said Harry.

Sure enough, right after the group had retreated, the building fell over with a loud crash. It blocked half of the path to the lunch room, so they wouldn't be able to get there for their lunches when it started.

"I wonder what we do now…" muttered Sheena.

Ms. Bitters slithered up behind them.

"GO HOME NOW!" she hissed.

Everyone jumped as she slithered away. Eyes wide, the groups dispensed into their groups of friends and went their separate ways. Zim sat, watching the fire in the same manner a mother watches her two-year-old son play. Girtrude suddenly emerged from the flames, her hair on fire and her skirt singed.

"Gir! Trude!" Zim roared, "Did you do this!"

"No! Oh wait, yes, I did!" Girtrude replied happily.

"Gir! I mean, Girtrude! Do you know what a risk this is to us?" shouted Zim, "What if we get caught?"

"I blamed it on him," said Girtrude, pointing to another random student. Many operatives from the C.I.A. suddenly swung down from rope ladders attached to helicopters, Luna with them (although she was just dreamily hanging upside-down). They grabbed the kid, and were gone in a heartbeat.

"… Good work Gir. Let's get yogurt," said Zim, leading them away from the raging inferno.

From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)

Aw yeah, fires and junk!