From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)
INC Christmas Episode!
Chapter 9
When the final remnants of the Military had been removed from Whitestone, a sense of normalcy returned to the campus. The funding the Military had brought was retained by the school board, and a new gymnasium was finally erected, as well as a brand new auditorium (dedicated to the MEDIA, who were now kept as school pets). Many changes continued over the course of weeks separating the Military's departure and Christmas, the most prominent of which was the addition of Countess von Verminstrasser to the teaching staff. With the nearly eighty new students that had regained their souls, the campus required more teachers to take more classes, so all of the professors took steps to help rectify that. For example, Ms. Bitters and the Countess began alternating their teaching of Social Study, Health, and Careers, while Snape grudgingly gave up some of the Traditional Magic classes to Trelawney (though few actually took her class because most of the time it ended in hideous tragedy).
As December entered its second week, a festive air began to infiltrate the entire school, much to the chagrin of certain staff members. Snow began to fall, causing four snow days in a row (granted, two of these were on weekends, but it was announced that they'd make them up at the year's end anyway). Finally, with the last week of classes before the holidays, the students found themselves panicked: what would they buy?
HOUSEPOINT TOTALS: Fence: 523 Typhoid: 878 Iko Iko: 637 Potato: 797
Friday, December 22nd. 9:00 A. M. Building C, Social Study Room.
"Children!" Ms. Bitters snapped, ending all happiness in her room. "The Board of Education has decreed that you shall watch a historical movie to celebrate the holidays."
A loud round of cheering went up from the students in the class. Girtrude even set off a few fireworks, setting all the holiday decorations lovingly placed by the MEDIA on fire. Ms. Bitters seemed mildly pleased by this, and whirled around the shove a movie into the Master Computer, who began the playback.
"The movie you will watch is Disney's Titey, the true story of the Titanic," said Ms. Bitters, retreating to her desk to curse with voodoo dolls.
"Oh boy!" said Colette, clapping gleefully. "I've always wanted to see this one!"
"If it's made by Disney, it's sure to be messed-up and all happy and joyful," said Genis, flatly.
"You'd be surprised," Hermione said. "There's a lot of death and misery in Disney movies—"
"Did I ask you?" Genis snapped, making Hermione turn red.
"Not today, guys," said Harry, "Let's just enjoy the movie while we can…"
The movie began with a brief history reel of the Titanic, stating how it struck the iceberg and sank. Then, it opened up on Titey as he sailed across the ocean, leading a rousing chorus of a song that was obviously written by him, though versed well by the Captain and his crew.
"I may not be that safe," sang the ship. "And I may not be that small. But I've got a hunch—"
"Yes, he's got a hunch—" the crew repeated.
"That we're gonna have… A BALL!" he said, his eyes all squinty and joyous.
"Oh my God…" moaned Ginny. "This is embarrassing to watch…"
"Shh… I heard it gets good after this," assured Colette.
The story progressed with a couple more songs and followed the adventures of a few of the ships' passengers. It also focused on a couple of mice, who went on a covert operation of stalling the French cook to steal some cake for Titey. The cook, however, managed to find the half-eaten cake and gasped, running to the Bridge.
"Monsieur Capitan!" he screamed, running in and holding it to the Captain.
"Who got into the pantry?" asked the Captain, considering a second. Then, he shouted. "TITEY!"
Titey gave a guilty grin and burped a little, a large ring of pink around his mouth. By now Genis and Hermione had retreated into the land of homework, Tak and Zelos had moved to the back and were whispering sweet nothing into each other's ears, Sheena and Lloyd had fallen asleep, and Zim was attempting to gouge his eyes out with his pen.
The movie played for another thirty minutes or so, complete with misadventures galore. The only historical bits that were recognizable included the wireless man telling another ship to "SHUT UP!" and the attempt of a first-class passenger named Rosie O'Donnie to throw herself overboard (which was stopped after a serenade from a cute African steerage passenger named Jackson Jackson). Finally, it came to the big part of the story, where a penguin in the crows nest had a seizure and spotted the iceberg. As jazz music began to play, the iceberg sang her own little song.
"I'm a bad old iceberg," she sang. "But I'm cool and hip. I'm a bad old iceberg, and I'm gonna sink that spunky old ship!"
When it came time for the big action of the attack of Titey, anyone who was paying attention covered their eyes because a bright light suddenly appeared across the screen, causing Girtrude to have an epileptic fit. As they ray continued, Colette asked Presea what was going on.
"Disney Ray. Causes seizures in small children so they are not subject to the violence in the movies," said Presea robotically, staring directly into the rays.
Next, they saw Titey filling up with water and sinking. Passengers slipped off the sides and Titey panicked, his eyes bugging and water filling up his mouth. In the water, a bunch of friendly sea creatures gathered, deciding they would help the ship. As Titey sank beneath the water and the iceberg cackled in victory, the sea animals went about chewing gum and getting sewing equipment. They worked together to patch the holes, but Hermione and Genis were having none of it.
"Why in God's name is there a beaver in the Atlantic Ocean?" asked Genis.
"And penguins do not live that far north," Hermione said stubbornly as one of the smaller penguins encouraged Titey to hang on.
Slowly, but surely, the animals pushed Titey back above the water. Reflected in the eyes of some binoculars, Napoleon Bonaparte watched from the same iceberg that had attempted to destroy Titey. He stuttered out sacrebleu after a few tries, and then went into a rant.
"I AM FRENCH!" he shouted, "I HATE WATER! MY TOUSHIE IS FROZEN!"
The iceberg, furious that her plot had failed, produced an icy sword when Titey took a triumphant leap into the air. She took a swipe and Titey jumped, the dove. Finally, he produced his own sword and an epic battle took place, the forces of good and evil fighting until dawn broke over the knoll. As the sky turned a pretty rainbowish color, Titey knocked the sword of the iceberg into the water (Napoleon also flew in at this point), and the iceberg sank below the surface of the water.
"Wow. That was… I don't even…," muttered Ron, his head uncomfortably resting on his desk.
As the passengers swam towards their ship, a lone voice sang out from the bow of the Titanic. They tried to identify the young girl, but it was impossible at first. As she continued to sing and dance, it started to dawn on a few people. Finally, she reached the high point of her song, and it became clear.
"I'm gonna write a diary somedaaaaaaay!" sang the girl, "And tell everyone about Titey… the ship weeeee caaaan't reeeeepaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
"WHY IS ANNE FRANK ON THE TITANIC?" snarled Genis and Hermioine.
"SILENCE!" Gaz shouted, whirling around, "I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE ABOUT THE HAPPY SHIP, AND IF YOU INTERRUPT IT ONCE MORE, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!"
Genis and Hermione feebly took their seats as most of the class erupted into cheers and claps for Gaz. The movie, finally, was winding down. The entire cast was dancing in a line, singing a song about Titey.
"Take a trip on the ship, he can be a little flip, but his hearts as big as the seeeeeaaaa! He's got holes, he's got cracks, he's got lifeboats on his back, for he's R. M. S. Titey!"
The credits rolled right after this and the movie ended. The lights flickered on and Ms. Bitters assumed the front of the room once more.
"So you see, children, the R. M. S. Titanic defeated the evil iceberg and sailed off to the land of eternal happiness, ready to tackle more adventures on the big sea. The end."
"That movie was so historically inaccurate," Hermione grumbled.
"Maybe, but I really enjoyed it," said Lloyd, "What does 'historically inaccurate' mean anyway?"
"You're an idiot," said Genis and Hermione at the same time.
"I'm still… reeling over the appearance of Anne Frank," said Sheena, looking lost.
"And Napoleon. Wasn't he dead at that point?" queried Neville.
"Aye," said Tak, "For many years."
"Remember, children, Christmas time is approaching. Watch out for those scammers who claim to be collecting for the Salvation Navy. They're not," said Ms. Bitters warningly as the bell rang. "Go… all of you… now!"
The class left Ms. Bitters' room and made their way across the frozen grounds to Building A, where Raine was eagerly awaiting them for Math. Her room was also decorated brightly with plenty of fairies, each fluttering and jittering around happily. The Hogwarts students had a minor nostalgic moment as they remembered Christmases past at the castle, but this was cut rudely short by Raine, starting her lesson.
"We will be continuing with our work on the Matrix today," she said, "Now, based on what we already know about them, how do we know when we can add them? Lloyd?"
"Huh?" Lloyd said, picking his head up. "Uh… when… they… are… uh…"
"Ten points from Fence. Pay attention, Lloyd!" Raine admonished him.
"Please, Professor," said Hermione. "Matrices can be added and subtracted when they have identical dimensions."
"Correct, ten points to Typhoid, Hermione," said Raine. "Now, how about when they can be multiplied? Miss Weasley?"
"When… the columns of the first match the rows of the second, I think," said Ginny frowning slightly as she tried to remember.
"It's the other way around, but good guess. Five points to Iko Iko," Raine said. "Now, for review, can anyone identify the Row-Echelon Form and Reduced Row-Echelon Form properties? Anyone besides Genis or Hermione?"
Unsurprisingly, there were no takers. Raine glared at the students for a few minutes, and then allowed Genis to answer the question, which he did so for a twenty-point bonus for Typhoid.
"Due to your obvious lack of studying, I want a three-page essay on matrices done by first thing on the day you come back," she said. "If you fail to do this assignment, I will take twenty-five points from your house, as well as give you a detention. I'll give you the rest of class to work on it, but I expect you to have it done when you return from break!"
"Professor," whined Lloyd, "It's Christmas time!"
"This is your… only homework," Raine said, looking as though it pained her to say this.
"I love you, Professor," said Lloyd, looking like he would cry with joy.
"Class dismissed," said Raine as the bell rang.
Friday, December 22nd. 11:30 A. M. Building C. Careers Classroom.
"PAY ATTENTION, CHILDREN!" Countess von Verminstrasser's voice cracked through the air like a rifle. "This year, Whitestone is participating in a Secret Santa. You will each be paired up with another student and must buy them a good gift or you will lose a part of your soul. Any questions?"
"Are the staff participating?" asked Hermione.
"Yes," said the Countess. "Even Master Computer."
"What if we don't celebrate Christmas?" asked Sheena.
"You do now," replied their teacher coldly. "Come, pick your names from this lovely hat.
"Oh boy!" said Colette, dashing forward and withdrawing a name. She grinned happily and sat at her seat, making a list of possible gifts for her receiver.
One by one, the other students picked names. The only two incidents that slowed the progress were Dib's drawing his own name and Sheena knocking Zelos over a desk when he said he was going to buy her something very inappropriate. Finally, once Girtrude had picked the last name, the bell rang and everyone flocked to the grounds.
"Who'd you get? Who'd you get?" asked Colette, while she and a bunch of the other girls migrated towards the dormitories to freshen up before the second group of lessons. "I got Neville!"
"I got Genis," said Ginny.
"I got Presea," said Gaz.
"And I got you," said Presea to her friend.
"I got Hermione. Oh, whoops…" said Sheena, covering her mouth.
"No problem, Sheena. I got… ugh… Iggins…" Hermione sighed.
"I got Dib," said Luna. "Hmm… I wonder what he would want…"
"Who'd you get, Tak?" asked Hermione.
"I got Zelos," said Tak, squealing. The other girls joined in, except for Gaz and Presea (both looking horrified and infuriated) and Luna (who was busily asking herself if a Glipphery would make a good pet or not).
"That's so great, Tak!" squealed Ginny. "Now you can finally profess your love for him! For real!"
"I know… but I don't have a lot of money…" muttered Tak. "I… guess I'll have to sell something…"
"Oh boy!" Girtrude said, happily. "Even Sanchez got a Secret Santa."
"I bet it was Gorfy!" Colette joined in enthusiastically.
"Who's Gorfy?" asked Hermione.
"A small Chihuahua we met on the first day of school. I haven't seen him since," replied Sheena.
"And what about you, Girtrude?" asked Colette.
"I got Lloyd!" Girtrude sputtered happily. "The one who flattened Dib a little bit in the arena."
Gaz glanced over, and, slowly, a smile spread across her face. She was plotting something, and she and Presea ran off to Ms. Bitters' Secret Room to gather information. It was only after the pack of still-giggling girls arrived at the dorms that any noticed their absence.
Meanwhile, the Boys…
"Lloyd, who'd you get?" asked Genis, walking with his friend as the guys headed straight for the cafeteria.
"I got Ron," said Lloyd, grinning happily. "I don't know what to get him, though."
"Don't wait for too long," Genis said. "Like with Colette's birthday present last year…"
"Hey! I got it to her!" Lloyd replied.
"Three weeks late. And broken," Genis reminded him.
"Oh yeah? Who'd you get?" asked Lloyd.
"Girtrude," said Genis, suddenly looking crestfallen.
"Bah, that's not so bad," said Neville. "I got Zim."
"Get him something blow-upy. He likes things that explode," said Zelos. "I, of course, got my beloved Tak. Now I just have to get something that she really wants…"
"I got Ginny," said Harry with a loving smile. "I know I'll be able to get her something great…"
"Yes," said Ron, pumping a fist into the air suddenly.
"What?" Harry asked, glancing at his friend.
"I got Sheena," said Ron, a wide grin on his face.
"Ron, you're into Sheena?" asked Harry, "I never noticed that."
"Man, you should see her… she has the best body in the world. I gotta impress her with something amazing… I wonder what she likes…" Ron muttered.
"Hurting Zelos," said Dib. "But I know how you feel. I got… Colette…"
Dib looked as though he would die with joy every time he said it. Although Lloyd threw him a dark glance from over his shoulder, Dib blissfully continued to float along, happily thinking about what he would buy Colette for Christmas.
"I got Harry," said Iggins.
"No one cares, human," said Zim, walking along. "Now… what should I get Luna…? I must repay her for helping me… otherwise my name as an Invader will be completely tarnished. Oh, why must this be such a misery?"
Traditional Magic
"As this is our last lesson before break," Snape said coldly to his Traditional Magic class a few minutes later. "I will be examining your skills to see if you've progressed at all."
"Please, Sir," Hermione said, her mind focused. "What will you have us do?"
"Ten points from Typhoid for a pointless interruption," said Snape, doing a little jig with the deduction. "And that is for me to know, Miss Granger, and you to find out. You will be tested according to your level of attainment, and the skills you have shown in this class."
"I wanna go first," Girtrude whined.
"Ten points from Potato for whining. NO EMOTION IS ALLOWED IN THIS CLASSROOM!" Snape shouted.
Zelos let out a cough that sounded a lot like the word "hypocrite." Tak giggled, and Snape took a further ten points from Iko Iko. He turned to Girtrude once more.
"Here's a pillow. Turn it into—" Snape began.
"A ring?" Girtrude interrupted.
"No, a—"
"A nun?" Girtrude asked, jumping to her desk.
"NO! A-"
"A five-tailed lemur?" Girtrude shouted, clinging to the front of Snape's robes.
"NO! I WANT YOU TO TURN THIS PILLOW INTO A—" Snape roared, eyes bugging.
"—a spork," Girtrude said, giggling.
"Argh! Ten points from Potato! TURN THE STUPID PILLOW INTO A COUCH!"
"Well, why didn't you say so?" Girtrude asked, waving her wand. The pillow burst into flames.
"WHAT KIND OF A COUCH IS THAT?" Snape shouted.
"Couch? I thought you said fire!" Girtrude said, giggling hysterically again.
"… those words aren't the least bit alike in verbal expression," Hermione stated, flatly.
"You failed," Snape said.
"Aw…" Girtrude said, frowning. "Now Sharifah-Latifah and Sanchez will have to make a contract with a snake to kill you…"
"What was that?" Snape asked, turning a cold eye on Girtrude.
"Your hair is greasy. Lets cook sausages!" Girtrude shouted, throwing the meat onto Snape's head.
"SIT DOWN! Potter! Defend this spell!" Snape shouted, shooting a spell at Harry.
Harry blinked and immediately directed the blast to Iggins, who fell to the ground, singed. Snape couldn't deduct points because, technically, Harry had defended against the spell. He tried to get Zelos, but Zelos cast Guardian and it didn't affect him.
"You! Girl!" he pointed to Gaz. "Defend this!"
Gaz merely held up her hand and the spell reflected into Snape. Their teacher flew against the wall, burnt and smelling of fish. So, he decided to let them go early to prepare for the next class, but not before taking twenty points from Gaz for having a headband of skulls.
"You will pay," Gaz muttered as she passed him.
English Lesson… Sort Of.
"Well, class," Kratos addressed his students that afternoon. "My psychologist says that I am mentally fit enough to finish the speeches we began at the beginning of the year… though any songs of any sort are banned."
"Thanks to the great me," said Zelos, reclining in his chair. Everyone, except Tak, glared at him, remembering their intensive counseling as well.
"So, starting on the first day of our return, you shall begin your self-intro speeches once more. I will have Luna, Hermione, Presea, Neville, and Ginny go first next time."
"I lost mine," Ginny said, raising her hand.
"Write a new one. Now, come, we have more important things to discuss in Weapons Appreciation," Kratos said, leading his class to the dark, dungeon-like room.
"Good afternoon, Kratos," Verminstrasser and Bitters said, nodding. Each held scythes in their hands, though the Countess had a side-arm as well.
"Good afternoon, ladies," Kratos said, nodding. "Shall we begin the lesson?"
"What's so important?" asked Sheena.
"Who here can tell me what a Hi-Ougi is?" asked Kratos.
When no one raised their hands at first, Presea and Gaz glanced at each other, sighed, and put up their hands. Kratos glanced around at the others and, finally, called on them.
"Hi-Ougi," Presea said, mechanically. "Also known as a Mystic Arte. A powerful fighting or magical attack, one that a person can only activate in extreme circumstances. Often deadly."
"Correct, ten points to Potato," said Kratos. "Examples?"
"I know some," Gaz said. "Colette did one when the Death Eaters attacked, you have Shining Bind, Raine has Sacred Shine and Fairy Circle, and Regal has Garen Zess… something…"
"Excellent. Ten points for each move so…fifty points to Potato," Kratos said.
"TAKE IT!" Gaz roared to her classmates, before turning her attention back to Kratos.
"Now, you each have the capability of a Hi-Ougi. However, you only get one shot to make a good one. Now, I suggest you each think long and hard over the break about what you want to do. Come January, Master Computer will be allowing you to lock it into your system. Most of us from Unified Symphonia will have ours already planned, we just need to lock them in. Those of us with two will need to decide between one."
"Can it be anything we want?" asked Ginny.
"Yes," replied Kratos. "Just make it PAINFUL!"
"Er… okay…" Neville muttered. "What can I do… that's painful…"
"In the Spring," Ms. Bitters said, taking over. "There will be a duel competition. Each of you, as well as the staff, will pair up with one or two of your friends. From there, you will be placed in a bracket. A tournament will be held, and the team that wins gets two hundred points to their house, some money, and the chance to defeat the winning staff team in the final round."
"How much money?" asked Sheena.
"Irrelevant," replied Ms. Bitters. "TRAIN!"
She flew off into the darkness, followed by Verminstrasser. Kratos just sighed and picked up his sword. "Now, is there anyone who wants to spar with me?"
Friday, December 22. 4:30 P. M. Building B, Science Lab 4.
"So," Raine concluded, taking her goggles and apron off. "By balancing the equation and returning the mixture to equilibrium, we see that the gas returns to a solid state."
"What does she mean?" asked Lloyd under his breath.
"The pretty, pink gas turned back into iodine," Genis replied, quickly writing his notes down.
"Now, since we still have about fifteen minutes, I'd like to get some more notes in on our next lesson," Raine said, happily. "Quickly, children, put your things away and take your seats; there is much to discuss."
Groaning and moaning, her students moved to do what they were told. Neville collected all the safety glasses, Colette hung up all the aprons, and Zim replaced all the dangerous chemicals in their correct spots. When the room finally settled, Raine turned towards the board.
"Now, before we continue with our chapter on crystalline solids, I'd like to quickly remind you about Le Chatelier's Principle. Who can state this for me? Uh… Genis, you have recency ," Raine said, picking between him and Hermione.
"Thanks," Genis said, giving a triumphant smile to Hermione. "This principle states that when a physical or chemical system at equilibrium is distributed by the application of stress, it attains a new equilibrium position that minimizes the stress."
"Correct, you get five points. Now, the way it is applied in our lab for the day—" Raine began to explain, but was interrupted by the buzzer. "Oh… Master Computer has an announcement. Come, children, let us say the pledge…"
After the pledge, Master Computer descended upon them to bring good news: classes were dismissed for the day since they were going on a field trip to go buy gifts for the Secret Santa exchange.
"I can't wait!" squealed Ginny. "I love to shop!"
"I should pick up a few things for myself as well…" muttered Hermione. "Oh, and are you and Ron going back to England for Christmas, Harry?"
"Aye," said Harry, gathering his belongings. "Let's go, Ron, we need to get a good seat on the bus."
"In a minute," said Ron, watching Sheena dreamily as she chatted with Colette. "I need all the time I can get to observe her… maybe I can get a good gift with the knowledge…"
"Honestly, Ron," snapped Hermione. "If you don't move, you'll get stuck next to Iggins."
"Okay, information gained," Ron said, quickly standing and following them to the bus.
"H-Hey… uh… C-C-olette…" Dib said, approaching her. "I-I was w-wondering if you'd… uh…"
"Hm?" Colette asked, looking at Dib. "If I'd what?"
"If you'd—" Dib began, but was interrupted.
"COLETTEY! Sit with me!" Girtrude squealed, rushing to hug her friend.
"Alright," Colette said, smiling and patting her on the head. "We'll help Sanchez find a good gift for Gorfy. Now… what'd ya need, Dib?"
"Nevermind," Dib said, looking dejected again.
"Okay, see you at the mall!" Colette said, skipping away with Girtrude.
"Damn…" muttered Dib.
"Tak, I'm going to get us a back seat," said Zelos. "And… uh… I think we should split up with our respective guys and girls at the mall, 'kay?"
"Alright," replied Tak. "Will do."
"Gaz," said Presea. "Shall you accompany me to this… mall?"
"I guess. I heard the R-Kade is good…" Gaz muttered.
"THEY HAVE THE R-KADE?" Iggins shouted, looking excited. "WOW! THAT IS SO COOL! WE HAVE TO—"
"Shut up," Gaz said, waving her hand in a circle and causing a small whirlwind to knock Iggins out of the nearest window.
"You've been practicing," Presea commented.
"It keeps my sanity," said Gaz, dusting her hands off and whipping out her GameSlave 4.
Friday, December 22nd. 5:30. The Bus.
"And remember," Regal said as they pulled into the mall. "Buy only what you can carry. And don't tell your secret gift receivers, this is supposed to be a surprise."
"Got it," the others replied, each jumping off the bus.
"So, where should we go first?" asked Hermione as she, Ginny, Tak, and Sheena left the group. "I do need to check out some school supplies—"
"I'm thinkin' the boutique," said Ginny. "Hermione, have you ever gone on a shopping spree?"
"Well… I… that is to say—" Hermione stammered, flushing.
"C'mon, girls," said Sheena, grabbing Hermione by the wrist. "Our present to her will be a lesson on how to shop like a pro!"
"Lesson one," said Tak as they entered a clothing store. "Know how to get the managers to give you extra discounts. For example, it's best if you—"
They disappeared into a store. Behind them, Harry and Ron had been walking, listening to their words. When the girls dove into the boutique, they stopped dead. That was definitely no-man's land, and to enter there would be death physically and socially.
"Girls are so manipulative," Ron said, eyes wide.
"That they are," Harry said. "And bewitching."
"So, what are you getting for Ginny?" asked Ron nonchalantly.
"I… don't know," admitted Harry. "I'm going to think of something good, though. What about you?"
"I have it all planned out," Ron said. "The best gift in the world. Yep. It's right here, in my head. I know exactly how much it costs, the color, the texture, the flavor, the scent… it's going to be the best."
"You have no idea, do you?" Harry accused.
"Not one," said Ron, looking as though his whole life had finally gone crashing down again.
Zim and Girtrude
"GIRTRUDE!" Zim shouted across the Center Court. Girtrude, who had been diving in the fountain to retrieve the coins, flew out to Zim's side.
"Yes, Master!" he shouted, eyes reddening for a moment.
"Girtrude, it is time we went on the most important, dangerous mission of our time," said Zim. "We must buy gifts. Who did you get as your… filthy gift-giver?"
"The red man with two swords," said Girtrude, jingling slightly.
"Ah, yes, he… uh… Girtrude… have you been stealing human coins again?" asked Zim.
"No…" Girtrude replied, averting his eyes. Zim continued to glare, and Girtrude finally burst into tears. "YES!"
She opened her head and thousands of coins spewed out and began to fall on the shoppers around them. They all began to stampede, attempting to get out of the mall before they were impaled with too many quarters and pennies. Girtrude gave his master a sheepish smile before following him towards a store of lethal-looking weapons.
Zelos and Lloyd
"So, Zelos, what are you going to get Tak?" asked Lloyd as he and Zelos mad their way past some panicked shoppers a few minutes later.
"Well… uh… I don't know…" said Zelos. "I know she really likes that charm she has on her cloak all the time… it has very strange markings. I was thinking I'd buy her a solid gold chain to go with it."
"But how are you going to afford that?" asked Lloyd. "They cost a lot more Gald than we have!"
"I'll think of something," said Zelos, looking around.
As luck would have it, the nearest store was a hair stylists. There were several obnoxiously bright and large signs on the window. The first read "FREE HAIR-STYLING FOR FIRST-TIMERS!" another said "ORGANIC HAIR CARE PRODUCTS FOR THE DISCERNING FASHIONISTA!" and the third, in bigger letters, read, "WILL PAY FOR HAIR FOR CANCER PATIENTS!" Zelos grinned as he and Lloyd entered the salon, Lloyd looking completely mortified.
Dib/Neville and Gaz's Group
"I have to get her something good," said Dib out loud as he and Neville walked around the mall.
"Who?" asked Neville.
"I need to get her something she'll cherish," said Dib.
"Hey… hello?" Neville repeated, blinking.
"I must show her my true feelings in one gift!" Dib said dramatically.
"Why are you telling me this?" asked Neville.
"I WILL SHOW YOU MY TRUE LOVE!" Dib shouted to the ceiling, falling to his knees.
"… yeah… I'm gonna go over there now. Bye," said Neville, walking away quickly.
"Idiot," said Gaz as she, Presea, and Luna walked by. They each had bags from a nearby video game store, having spent most of their money on themselves. Now they headed for the R-Kade, one of the most famous arcades in all the land.
"It says here that they have a shooter game with real targets," said Luna, reading a pamphlet. "Criminals are shot with bullets made of paint, though the technology makes it more painfully than paintball."
"Are there any RPGs?" asked Presea.
"They just opened a virtual realty center. I'm sure they've got something like that there as well," said Luna, turning the brochure over. "I'm going to have to decide on what to give Dib, though. Any ideas?"
"Malaria," Gaz replied, as they entered the R-Kade.
All three girls stopped dead. Their eyes slowly widened and looks of divine saving came across their faces. Inside was their paradise: a dark room containing dozens upon dozens of machines. The lights they could see were all the colors of the rainbow and more, flashing at a frequency and brightly enough that most children would have had a seizure. The beat of the music, the explosions of gunshots, and the curses the losers made intermixed so much that it was a dull uproar. Tears welled up in Gaz's eyes as she flew straight for the nearest first-person shooter that Luna had mentioned, knocking six guys twice her size out of the way.
"Abaddon 6," read Gaz. "Sounds good."
She put in a quarter. On the second machine, she was joined by Presea. Luna had gone off to play the newest Dance Dance Revolution game, so they suited up and entered the virtual reality. The graphics were spectacular, and the game play itself was so real. A mission brief passed through their helmets. They were to track down and destroy the top two evildoers of a secret organization. When the game played, they saw two figures run, panicked, across the field.
"They look familiar," muttered Gaz, and then she shouted. "Are you two the bad guys?"
"No! Don't shoot us anymore! It hurts!" came the shrill whine of a man in pain.
"Isn't that…?" Gaz wondered.
"The former man-in-charge of the Military and his female assistant," said Presea.
"Excellent," said Gaz evilly, lining one of them up and pulling the trigger.
The Manipulative Girls Group
"Where to next?" Hermione asked, swinging six bags from each arm. "Chop, chop! There are sales that await us!"
"We've created a monster," said Sheena proudly as Hermione threw herself at a window with mannequins dressed in rather flowery dresses.
"Brings a tear to your eye," said Ginny.
"Guys! Help me!" Tak wailed. "I don't know what to get Zelos!"
"I have the perfect idea!" said Hermione, searching her new pocketbook furiously, "Look!"
"A line of hair care products that will make your hair bouncier, shinier, and more colorful," read Tak, staring at the coupon. "Hermione, I love you!"
"Even with the coupon," pointed out Ginny. "It's still horribly expensive."
Tak fiddled with the charm for a moment. She stared at it, bit her lip, and glanced around. "I'll think of something," she said, casting another forlorn look at the medallion, her fingers still twitching over it.
"Right, let's go! It's on SALE!" Hermione shouted, rushing forward, her bags and shoes clicking.
"I have a feeling we're going to live to regret this," said Sheena.
"Nah, she's just having a culture shock. She's been denied this for sixteen years," said Ginny. "She'll feel the burn tonight and tomorrow."
Iggins
Who care what he bought? I mean… really?
Colette and Genis
"Colette, do you think Girtrude would like this?" asked Genis, picking up a huge, stuffed whale.
"She'd love it," said Colette. "And she'd probably come up with a cool name for it, too! She always has a way of doing that…"
"True," said Genis. "What are you getting Neville?"
"I'm not sure yet," said Colette. "I don't know him very well, so I don't really know what to get him."
"Maybe you could bake him something?" suggested Genis.
"Oh… I would… but I exploded my lab station in Cooking Appreciation, remember?" Colette said, turning red a little bit.
"Oh yeah… well, I guess making him pork chops is definitely out of the question, then," said Genis.
"Agreed," said Colette. "But I bet I know what he really wants!"
"What's that?" asked Genis, confused.
"Come with me," said Colette, grabbing her friend and dragging him out of the store (after he paid for the whale, of course).
Zelos and Lloyd
"I still can't believe you did that," said Lloyd as the two guys emerged about ten minutes later.
"Look at it this way. Now Tak can really appreciate my face, and I have the money to buy her a gift," said Zelos, who was wearing a hooded cloak.
"You'd better be right," said Lloyd, biting his lip slightly.
"Now, what are you going to get your friend there, Ron?" asked Zelos.
"I'm not sure… what would he want?" replied Lloyd.
"No matter. Let's just go check out the jewelry store," said Zelos, advancing rapidly.
"Wait for me!" called Lloyd, running after him.
Dib and Neville (poor, poor Neville)
"So, Dib," said Neville as he clutched his purchase for Zim. "Have you decided upon a gift for Colette yet?"
"No," moaned Dib miserably. "I haven't. I need to get her something she'd truly appreciate… something she'd care for… something that we could even share maybe… but I don't know what…"
"What about a stuffed dog?" suggested Neville.
"She has a billion of them," said Dib in a despairing way. "Sheena told me so."
"What about some new hula-hoops?" Neville replied.
"She uses chalkrams, not hula-hoops," said Dib. "It wouldn't work."
"Well… I'm out of ideas…" said Neville.
"I've got it," said Dib, looking past Neville. "I know exactly what to give her!"
"Uh oh… I don't think this will end well," said Neville, sighing. "Well… I guess we could do that. Just be careful."
"I will be," said Dib, dragging Neville behind him.
Harry and Ron
"These are perfect," Harry said, holding up the jewelry he bought Ginny.
"I'm just gonna get her a gift card," said Ron, having no other options.
"Sounds good," said Harry as the two left for the bus.
Zim and Girtrude
They went back to the bus already; you missed them. So… suffice to say, Girtrude bought something fitting for Lloyd and Zim did his best to get something Luna would like.
Friday, December 22. 10:30 P. M. The Bus
Clutching their purchases, the students of Whitestone pulled out on their six buses. The main bus went ahead as the snow began to pickup. After a while, they found themselves caught in a blizzard, and they began to slow, Master Computer even seeming concerned.
"Visibility is extremely poor," muttered Regal from the front seat. "We should take extra caution."
"What's the worst that can happen, Regal?" Raine said, jokingly. "An avalanche?"
"AVALANCE!" shouted Zelos, looking out the window.
The mountainside they were driving next to had given away, and a lot of snow was rolling down the hill towards them. The buses behind slammed on their brakes while the bus in front shot ahead. As everyone clung to the nearest seat or person, Countess von Verminstrasser assumed command.
"BRACE POSITIONS, HOLD ON!" she shouted, "THIS IS GONNA GET ROUGH!"
Rough didn't begin to describe it. When the wave of snow hit the side of the bus, it knocked it to one side by over thirty degrees. They moved along with the snow, sliding down the grade. The girls shrieked and a few guys yelled as they dropped another twenty feet, landing at almost a forty-five degree angle in a gully. The snow continue to push on the glass, finally breaking through the back few windows, making a few students scream and move forward.
"All buses," Master Computer said over the radio. "Continue to the rendezvous destination. We will remain here until assistance is provided."
"What are we gonna do?" wailed Neville.
"Students," replied Master Computer. "We are likely to be stuck here for at least a few hours; possibly a few days. I suggest we make the best of it. There are limited amounts of food around, so let us ration."
"I'll just summon more food if we need it," Snape said from a very uncomfortable position on the floor. "Warmth can be provided as well."
"In that case," Raine said, "Let us divide into areas that will be comfortable for all. And I suppose we can exchange out gifts with everyone else if we really wanna…"
"Yay!" everyone cheered, immediately grouping up with their friends to discuss things before giving out their gifts.
"Master Computer," Trelawney said, bowing to the machine, "I bestow upon you… a bank account at the local blood bank!"
"Sybil…" Master Computer sniffed, then opened one of his drives. "I cannot show you the gift here, but I can give you the key. I stole… er… obtained a yacht for you."
"PRAISE THE MASTER COMPUTER!" cried Professor Trelawney, then, to the sky. "SCREW YOU, JESUS!"
"Kratos," said Raine, blushing slightly. "I custom ordered this for you. My class's experiments came up with the best polyatomic substance for the best blade…"
"This… this is the most beautiful sword I have ever seen," Kratos breathed. "This surpasses anything Cruxius ever gave me…"
"Raine," said Regal. "My company was able to obtain this very sacred book; I want you to have it."
"Regal!" squealed Raine. "This is the long lost Book of Esperanza! The famous Healer! Oh… you… you rock!"
"Did my sister just say, 'you rock?'" Genis asked, looking mortified.
"Yeah," said Lloyd. "Scary, isn't it?"
"Regal," said Kratos. "I got you… Gald. A lot of it."
He proceeded to give sixteen large bags of gold to Regal. Lloyd's mouth dropped open. Everyone stared for at least a few seconds.
"How did you acquire so much wealth?" asked Regal.
"Four thousand years of random battles makes you pretty rich, and I'll be damned if I'm donating to an orphanage," Kratos replied.
"Why didn't he ever give any to me?" Lloyd grouched.
"Be silent," said Gaz. "I have a gift or Presea."
"… oh?" Presea asked, looking nonchalant.
"I got you these," said Gaz, handing Presea four tickets to the Chainsaw group she loved so much. Her eyes bugged.
"OHMYGOD!" she shouted, displaying twice as much emotion as she's shown in her life combined. "PRESEA, YOU… YOU ROCK!"
"Of course," said Gaz. "Just don't invite my stupid brother."
"Wouldn't dream of it," assured Presea, back to her taciturn manner. "I got you this upgrade."
"Oh my God!" Gaz squealed. "This is the double-action laser/800 round per second bullet upgrade! How did you know?"
"The Book in Ms. Bitters' room, of course," Presea said.
"I'm so tempted to try it out… but I won't," said Gaz. "I'll save it for the next battle."
"Here, Girtrude," said Genis, handing the big, wrapped whale to Girtrude. "Merry Christmas."
"OHMYGODWELFARE!" screeched Girtrude. "A whale friend for Sharifah-Latifah and Sanchez! I shall call him Akmed. Oh, and you… I got you stuffs!"
She thrust her package into Lloyds hands. Then she skipped over to where the large rubber ducky and the swimming goldfish were (Sanchez was also exchanging gifts with Gorfy; a bone and a new switchblade). Lloyd unwrapped the gifts.
"Wow! Girtrude, you're so awesome!" Lloyd said. "Real swords! With blades! Dad and Dad never let me have anything but wooden ones when we aren't saving the world!"
"You have come of age," said Gitrude, nodding sagely.
"Wow, cool!" Lloyd said, checking the shine out on the blades. "Oh, here you go, Ron."
"What is it?" asked Ron, after he unwrapped a necklace with a circular thing on the end.
"It's a Mood Necklace. Try it on!" Lloyd said.
"Er… thanks…" said Ron, who had spotted Sheena as she walked by. The necklace instantly turned purple.
"That means uncontrollable lust," said Lloyd, happily reading from the card.
"I'm gonna go… over… here…" muttered Ron, skipping to Sheena's small corner of the bus.
"Thank you so much!" Hermione squealed, hugging Sheena. She clutched a 5000 Gald gift card in her hand for the Bookstore.
"You more than earned it; that shopping spree was killer. Do you hurt?" asked Sheena.
"My biceps are sore, as are my quads," said Hermione. "But I feel… oddly invigorated with it. I wanna do it again!"
"Hermione just said wanna. You've definitely warped her mind," said a grinning Ginny, who was fishing her gift out.
"Right," said Sheena. "I'm gonna go get hot chocolate from Snape, anyone want anything?"
"Me!" Hermione said, checking out a coupon catalog for the books she could buy.
"Us!" Zelos and Tak commented.
"I'll take one as well," said Ginny.
"Right," said Sheena, turning and running straight into Ron, who turned red.
"I-I-I Ha-Happy Christmas," stuttered Ron, thrusting the card out to her.
"Yes! A 2000 Gald gift card for any fashion boutique in the mall! How did you know?" Sheena squealed. "You're the best!"
"I… I am?" Ron gasped, flushing deeper.
"Yes," said Sheena, kissing him lightly on the forehead. Then she punched him playfully in the arm. "Want some hot chocolate?"
"Yes I do!" Ron said, following after her.
"Well, Harry," said Ginny, smirking as she lay his head in his lap. "What'd you buy me?"
"How'd you know?" Harry asked, taken aback.
"A girl's sense of perception is keen," Ginny said wisely, then. "And Hermione told me."
"Gah… well… here," said Harry, handing her a small, wrapped package. "Happy Christmas. You'll get my real present when we get to the Burrow… if we do…"
"Oh… Harry…" Ginny said, catching her breath in her chest. "This… these… they're beautiful."
"Made from the best elemental fragments around," said Harry. "Look… they boost—"
"—fire power in Symphonian Magic! Harry, I love you!" she squealed kissing him.
"I knew you'd like it," said Harry, grinning a little stupidly.
"Of course," said Ginny. "Oh, that reminds me… Genis!"
"Eh?" Genis said, walking over. "What?"
"I have your present," said Ginny, handing a wrapped box.
"What is it? Clothes?" asked Genis, unwrapping the box. "I—Oh my… wow…"
It was a beautiful robe, one that was just his size. It sparkled, even in the darkness. The robe boosted all magical abilities, regardless of their origin. Genis sat down next to Hermione, who was still researching books. Behind them, Tak and Zelos were cozying up next to each other.
"Well, hon, I think it's our turn," muttered Tak, toying with his chin. "Here. Merry Christmas."
"Oh, before I do, here's yours. Oh, and check this out," said Zelos, pulling the hood of his robe at last. His hair was cut so short it didn't even extend past his neck at all.
"Zelos!" Tak gasped. "Your hair!"
"Like it?" asked Zelos. "And… hey, where's your charm?"
"I—Uh…" Tak said. "Well, open your gift first…"
"Long Hair Care products…" Zelos muttered. "Wow… Tak… honey…"
"A chain for my charm!" gasped Tak. "Oh… babe…"
"Look," muttered Hermione. "It's just like in the Gift of the Magi."
"Where one sells the hair; the other a treasured possession? Yeah, I was thinking that, too," Genis replied.
"How romantic," muttered Hermione.
"Well, I… I guess I could exchange the thing for shorter hair…" Tak muttered.
"Why would you do that?" asked Zelos.
"Well, your hair, you… cut it…" Tak pointed out in a slightly confused tone.
"No, I didn't," said Zelos, pulling something out of his hair. It all spilled down back again. "I just got it styled. The sign said the first timers get a free one. I was gonna see if you liked it."
"No way!" Tak giggled. "Your long hair is awesome!"
"But your charm… you sold it, didn't you?" asked Zelos. "To get me my hair care products…"
"Hells no," Tak said, withdrawing it from her purse. "I just didn't wear it on my cloak because I kept getting distracted by it when I was trying to decide on a gift for you. I just begged the manager to give me a discount, and he complied."
"You're so manipulative," said Zelos, hugging her.
"That I am," said Tak. "But am I wrong?"
"No way," Zelos muttered.
Hermione and Genis exchanged exasperated looks, shook their heads, and walked away. "Romantic indeed…" they muttered.
"Human child!" Zim demanded of Luna near the center of the bus. "I… uh… have a gift for you."
"Oh?" said Luna, looking up from her book. "Well, that's a surprise. I could've sworn my horoscope said my gift would come from a rabid tortoise. But this is just as pleasant, methinks."
"Merry… Jingly…" Zim said, handing her the package.
She opened it. Inside was a large, white-and-blue wind chime. She held it in front of her, letting it wave slightly. The noises it made were pure and beautiful, not too loud or too quiet. They beads and glass balls hanging from it added to its character.
"This is perfect!" Luna said. "I love it, Zim! Thank you!"
"It's the least I can do," said Zim. "After all, Invaders who don't return favors are likely to explode."
"True 'dat," said Luna. "Oh, I have to give Dib his present. Be right back. And watch out for the flaming message rocket."
"Huh?" Zim said, turning. He screamed as the flaming message rocket slammed into the bus and landed in his arms. The screen opened to reveal the Almighty Tallest, gorging themselves on the snacks he and Luna had sent.
"ZIM!" cried Purple. "These are DELICIOUS!"
"You have been ranked up," said Red. "You can now call us for ten minutes once a month! Good show! By the way… Merry Jingly!"
"You too, My Tallest," Zim said, feeling six inches taller. Then he realized he was standing on an unconscious Iggins, which was indeed making him a bit taller. He shrugged and sat down, waiting for his Secret Santa to become known.
"H-Hey… C-Colette," Dib stammered, approaching the blonde Chosen One.
"Merry Christmas, Dib," said Luna, smiling. "What's up?"
"M-Merry Christmas," said Dib. "Here…"
"Oh! You're my Santa!" Colette said happily. "Ooh! It's pretty! What is it?"
"It's a good luck charm," said Dib. "You wear it over your heart, and it is said to bring you good luck for the entire time it touches your body or clothing."
"That's handy," said Colette, putting it on right away. "You're so nice. Thank you!"
"You're welcome," said Dib, smiling gleefully as Colette made her way cautiously past the other seats to get to her little sleeping area.
"Dib," said Luna, coming up from behind him. "I have my gift for you."
"You do?" Dib asked. "Uh… where is it…?"
"Right here. Master Computer, if you will…" said Luna, throwing her arms up. Master Computer locked some cords around her arms, shocking her violently. He then did the same to Dib, whose clothing was scorched.
"What was that for?" asked Dib, looking mortified.
"She gave you Malaria, DUH!" Gaz said, configuring the GameSlave 4 to accept the new upgrade.
"No… that cost too many Pain Points," said Luna. "I know you really wanted to do magic, so I gave you some of my Symphonian ability. You can now do Earth magic with the best, as well as some Fire and Water. Forgive me, but I kept Air for myself because it's fun to throw myself off the buildings and be caught before I splatter."
"Luna… I… I don't know what to say," said Dib, tearing slightly. "Thank you so much!"
"No problem," said Luna. "I have to go burn small crosses now, Ms. Bitters is teaching me voodoo."
"Maybe I can set them on fire for you," Dib offered, eager to try out his magical powers.
"Y'know… I wonder who Ms. Bitters' Secret Santa was…?" Hermione asked herself.
"Countess, you never cease to amaze me," said Ms. Bitters, going through the pages of an enormous, leather-bound book. "This will make a wonderful addition to My Room."
"I knew it would," said the former Nazi. "And I hope you put the knowledge contained in it to good use."
"I shall," said Ms. Bitters. "Oh… the slimy one approaches…"
"I have a gift for you, Countess," said Snape, respectfully. "One I hope you will appreciate."
She opened the box to find a brand new whip waiting for her. She cackled with glee and practiced snapping the remaining windows of the bus out. She smiled, nodded to Snape, and then collapsed into a coma for a few hours.
"Here," said Ms. Bitters. "Voodoo Set. Use it on those you hate, make them pained, blah blah blah… away!"
She, too, collapsed into a coma. Snape stared greedily at the cover of the box, and then glanced back to his Hogwarts students. With a made cackle, he strode over to an empty seat and began the instructions on how to set up a voodoo set.
"Here you go, Neville," said Colette, handing Neville a rather small, cardboard box.
"What is it?" asked Neville, taking off the wrapping paper.
"It's a game you should enjoy," said Colette, smiling.
"Operation? Never heard of it," Neville said, perplexed.
"Since you wanted to be a Nurse, I figured this would be the best way to introduce you to non-magical surgery. Don't touch his metal sides or he dies and you lose your medical license, 'kay?"
"Right," said Neville. "Thanks, Colette. Happy Christmas."
"You, too," said Luna, dancing to her seat to nap.
"Oh… I gotta give this to Zim," said Neville. "Happy Christmas, Zim."
"What is this, worm glutton?" Zim asked, holding a deck of Tarot cards in his hand.
"These are cards that you can use to predict the future," said Neville. "If you learn how. Luna can show you how to use them better than I can, but I figured this would help your plans for world conquest or whatever…"
"How'd you know about them?" Zim asked, startled.
"You rant about them all the time in Careers," said Neville, shrugging. "I figured you might need help."
"Oh," Zim said. "Good job, human. You may be spared."
"Thanks… I think…" Neville muttered, walking away.
"I guess I can give you this now," said Hermione. "Seeing as you're not… unresponsive."
"VOYAGES AND VAMPIRES?" Iggins squealed, bursting. "OHMYGODPORTUGUESMANOFWAR! IT'S VOYAGES AND VAMPIRES, THE COOLEST BOARD GAME EVER! YOU'RE A GODDESS!"
"Thanks," Hermione said. "Now I'm gonna go pick out more books."
"THANK YOU, GODDESS OF KNOWLEDGE!" Iggins cried, bowing to her feet.
"Yeah…" Hermione said, walking away quickly.
"Oh! I almost forgot! Harry!" Iggins squealed, rushing to his side.
"Happy Christmas, Iggins. You must be my Santa," said Harry with no enthusiasm.
"I am," verified the teen. "And I got you… this!"
From a package bigger than him, he produced a computerized body suit. Harry stared at it for a moment before it came to life and stood up. The thing was hot pink in color, had a helmet with a digital happy face, and the figure for a woman.
"What is it?" asked Harry.
"A personalized suit!" said Iggins. "I know it may look girlish, but I assure you, she's really good for men."
"Am I supposed to wear this?" asked Harry.
"Duh," said Iggins.
"I'll… not wear it just yet…" said Harry.
"Autopilot!" Iggins screamed, pushing a button. The suit came to life a bit more.
"Hi!" it said in a very upbeat, perky voice. "You must be Harry."
"Yep," said Harry. "And you are?"
"I'm the 3000. But you can call me Peaches," replied the suit, smiling.
"… Peaches…" Harry muttered, flatly.
"You seem to be stuck in this snow pile. I can fix that," she said, shooting out of the roof like a bullet.
"What is she…?" Ron began when the bus began to shudder.
Out the window, they saw Peaches extend her arms all the way around the bus. She had little jet boots coming out of her feet, each of which allowed flight. She carried the bus to the safe part of the road, all the students in the bus cheering. Professor Trelawney had joined her on top of the bus, and, slowly, one-by-one, everyone else did, too.
"DROP DEAD, GOD, WE DON'T NEED YOUR MIRACLES ANYMORE!" Trelawney shouted to the sky. "WE GOT PEACHES AND MASTER COMPUTER!"
"So, who wants to sing Christmas Carols?" suggested Colette.
"We do!" (almost) everyone replied.
They began to sing "Deck the Halls" as the bus slowly drove them along the road. The students and staff of that particular bus from Whitestone sang together as Master Computer steered them past all the obstacles God and Jesus were suddenly throwing at them, making it back to the school with ease. As they pulled in and everyone began to jump off the bus they froze, looked to the sky, and shouted, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!"
From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)
Nothing to say here. A lot of references (like every other chapter in this story...) to various random things I was seeing, reading, or watching at the time of this update. Also, I don't remember ANY of the stuff talked about in the in-class sections. Oh how time has dumbeded me down. Thank you, college, for teaching me nothing!