From Zim's Mind: (June 2011)
Hello, puny earth waste! I am ZIIIIIIIIIIM! And I am here to introduce the next "chapter" of this "story," which will ultimately be the chronicle of my defeat of these pathetic humans. It is February on this planet, a time of… ugh… LOVE… and… CHEER… and that stupid robot suit Peaches is trying to make us all happy and… GARH! SHE'S THE FIRST TO GO! So… sit back, and enjoy this WONDERFUL chapter of DOOOOOOM!
From Girtrude's Mind:
YAY! CANDYCANES!
Chapter 11: Whitestone Idol
It was three weeks to the day after Professor Umbridge had been proven to be a robot. Later tests from Raine, Regal, and Genis confirmed that it was not actually Umbridge, but a generic copy turned into a robot. This worried many as it meant the real Umbridge was still out there and that she could attack them at any time. Still, the plans for her factory of misery were stopped, and Master Computer upgraded himself with some of the parts salvaged after Luna dropped a moon on her.
As the snow began to melt a little bit (down to four feet), the atmosphere in the school changed. It became much more cheerful and friendly, something that made Peaches and Colette very happy while sickening Ms. Bitters and Countess von Verminstrasser. There was another announcement to be found on the Friday before Valentine's Day weekend, and it was one that made everyone go, "OMGBOLIVIA!"
February 12th, Friday. 1:39 P. M. Traditional Magic Classroom.
HOUSEPOINTS: Fence – 250/Typhoid – 420/Iko Iko – 399/Potato – 382
"That was a truly pathetic observational performance from Potter," said Snape. "Though I hardly expected anything better, ten points from Fence."
"Well, Professor," said Harry, teeth clenched and speaking very slowly. "If you had told me that you didn't want me to attack the Harpy, I would not have done so."
"Potter, do I have to walk you through everything in this classroom?" Snape asked angrily. "If that is the case, then we're all going to have a very difficult year ahead of us."
"Thank God it's halfway over," Ron muttered.
"What was that, Weasley?" Snape demanded dangerously.
"Nothing, sir," said Ron sheepishly.
A loud beep interrupted the lesson. Right after came the voice of Peaches, who was apparently doing the announcements. Everyone groaned; Peaches on the announcements always gave them a feeling that little pieces of perkiness were stabbing them in the neck.
"Good afternoon, everyone," she chirped. "I have a very awesome special announcement today! We're going to be have a guest at Whitestone, one who was brought here entirely of his own free will. I think. Well, Master Computer told me that, so I'll just agree.
"Anyway, tomorrow and Sunday, we're going to be having a contest. I'm sure many of you have watched the semi-popular TV show American Idol? Well, we have with us, on this very campus… THE SIMON MAN! YAY!"
A few people exchanged glances at this. Simon Cowell coming to Whitestone of his own free will? Yeah. Okay. Then again, that also meant that it was very likely they were going to have their own version of American Idol, which was exactly what Peaches said next.
"We're going to be having our own version of American Idol!" she cried. "Isn't that great? The judges will be Simon, of course, and myself. Ms. Bitters has volunteered to be the third judge. Won't that be awesome?"
This got a lot of people excited for real. Many of the girls realized that this could be their chance to become big, singing sensations; many guys thought this would be a way to win the hearts of girls for Valentine's Day. The entire class began to talk at once, while Peaches recited the information about signing up and when times would take place, as well as the fact that the duel competition scheduled for the month had been postponed to May. Snape was not amused.
"ALRIGHT!" he shouted. "Since you call cannot keep yourselves quiet for the class's end, your homework shall be… six potions! By Monday. No excuses. Class dismissed!"
"THE HORROR!" Iggins wailed. "WHY?"
"Shut up," said Gaz, hitting him in the back of the head with an oar.
"Where'd you get that oar?" asked Sheena.
"Internet," replied Gaz flatly before she followed Presea to the outside.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON…
"How have your bi-weekly job training missions been going?" Raine asked everyone after they had finished their Science class.
"I don't know," said Hermione, frowning. "I go to mine and I immediately forget what it is."
"Why?" asked Ron.
"I didn't want to know what I was going to be, but I also wanted to pass Careers," said Hermione, "So, we compromised with a forgetting spell."
"I… hate… children..." Gaz muttered, "So very much."
"I have made adequate progress in my training," Presea chimed in.
"Well, of course, I have done wonderfully on my new job placement area," said Tak. "And Zelos' singing career is on the upshot, right honey?"
"Of course, precious," said Zelos with a sloppy look on his face.
"I really love being a Vet!" Colette said, smiling. "It's so nice to be able to help small animals."
"Hey, Lloyd, how is being a barber?" asked Genis, smugly.
"It's stupid," Lloyd replied, flatly,. "I hate it. I'm not going to be a bloody barber!"
"You be talkin' like the leprechauns!" Girtrude exclaimed. "Marry her!"
She threw Sharifah-Latifah at him. The gigantic rubber duck crushed Lloyd. Everyone stared for a few seconds.
"Well," said Raine, ignoring Lloyd's moans of pain. "I trust to see all of you at Whitestone Idol tomorrow, correct?"
"No, Professor," said Neville, "I've opted not to do it."
"Same," said Genis and Harry at the same time.
"Well," said Raine. "You should come watch. I'm sure it'll be very… er… uplifting."
"False," said Gaz, flatly.
Saturday, February 13th. 1:03 P. M. New Whitestone Auditorium.
"GOOOOOOOOOOD AFTERNOON!" cried Peaches to the packed auditorium.
"Hi," everyone replied in a lackluster way.
"I am so excited for this wonderful chance to hear all the talent from our dear students!" cried Peaches, "I can't wait to get started, so let's meet our judges. Ms. Bitters, myself, and… THE SIMON MAN!"
Everyone cheered as the judges assumed their seats. Simon, looking confused and slightly irritated, glared around at everyone. Ms. Bitters, wearing her Grim Reaper outfit once more, glared and grinded her teeth at everyone. And Peaches smiled happily around the room, before commencing.
"We have a ton of songs lined up for you today," she said. "And first up… singing Bohemian Rhapsody… LLOYD IRVING!"
"This should be interesting," said Harry from the audience. "What do you guys think?"
"I think we're going to be seeing him choke," said Genis. "He was practicing all last night. It was very tragic."
"How so?" asked Neville, curiously.
"Watch," replied Genis in a pained voice.
"Hi, I'm Lloyd," Lloyd said, staring at the crowd. "And… uh… I'm… uh going to sing now, okay?"
The music began and Lloyd began to sing. It was instantly apparent that he did not have any sense of tone, nor did he even know the lyrics. By far, the worst part of the song was when he sang, "I'm just a Porsche; nobody likes trees!" as opposed to "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me." Finally, Simon had enough.
"That was, without a doubt, the most wretched thing I have ever heard! If you would like my advice, I would suggest you learn your lyrics before attempting to sing the song," he said.
"HORRIBLE!" was all Ms. Bitters shouted.
"Don't worry, Lloyd," said Peaches. "At least barbers don't need to know how to sing well!"
"I'M NOT GOING TO BE A BARBER!" Lloyd shouted, and then he ran off the stage to cry in a small, dark room.
"Next up… with Every Time We Touch, Slow Version… TAK!" Peaches clapped.
"Hey guys," Tak said, assuming the microphone,. "This is one of my favorite songs in the world. This one goes out to you, honey!"
The piano in the background began to play, and Tak began to sing. Her voice seemed to melt around the notes, gracefully rising and falling, becoming more and more powerful as the song went on. By the end of it, more than a few girls in the audience had tears in their eyes, and Peaches was sobbing onto Ms. Bitters' shoulder.
"That was WONDERFUL!" cried Peaches. "It was beautiful!"
"Decent," Ms. Bitters said, nodding to Tak.
"You, my dear, this thing," Simon said, "And we in the business like to call it… talent. Good show!"
"Thank you," Tak said happily as the whole auditorium erupted in cheers, screams, and joyness. She gracefully left the stage, hiding the evil smirk that came to her face.
"Now we have Girtrude!" Peaches shouted happily. "And she's going to sing a song called… oh my…"
"HIYA!" Girtrude called, "Okay… ready…? OKAY!"
To their horror, she began to sing a song that they all recognized with a deep pain in their souls. However, Girtrude had chosen not to start at the beginning, but in the refrain. This caused much discomfort, but no more than from Ms. Bitters and Zim, who was backstage.
"DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? DON'TCHA, DON'TCHA, DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS RAW LIKE ME? DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS FUN LIKE ME? DON'TCHA—"
"Dear God, please stop!" Simon cried, "I have nothing else to say to that."
"You caused much misery with that song. But it still was a misery. FAILED!" Ms. Bitters roared, pointing dramatically to Girtrude.
"Well… um… at least… you'll never sing that again," was all Peaches could say.
"MARRY HIM!" shouted Girtrude, throwing Ahkmed at Peaches. Peaches ducked, and the gigantic stuffed wail slammed into the sands, crushing the first three rows.
"Next up," said Peaches. "We have Ginny Weasley singing Runaway by Groove Coverage!"
"Good afternoon, all," Ginny said. "I hope you like this."
As the music began to play, Ginny danced with the music. She had excellent stage presence, and she had the crowd up and dancing right along with her. There were not as many lyrics, so she only did the first half. When she finished, she received applause that rivaled Tak's.
"That was amazing, Ginny!" Peaches simpered. "You really got the energy up in here."
"I feel oddly revitalized. PASSED!" Ms. Bitters judged.
"Ginny," said Simon, leaning forward. "There are two types of successful singers in this world. There are those who can sing well enough... and then there are those who know when and when NOT to move to a song. You have found the perfect mix between these two, and I am deeply impressed."
"Thank you," said Ginny grinning. She found Harry in the audience and waved to him, winking.
"Okay, our fourth contestant is Dib Membrane, singing It's My Life," said Peaches. "Let's give him a round of applause for even attempting this."
"Hey!" Dib said. "I'm not that bad…"
"I can't believe he's really doing this," Gaz muttered from backstage. "Then again, I can't believe I am either. Stupid Dad and his, 'be a starlet' speech…"
The music began and Dib began to move to the music. As the song began, he seemed to find a new power that nobody expected. What was more shocking was that he sang the song well. He found a slightly higher pitch, and made loud and expressive. By the time he was done, everyone's eyes were about the size of a dinner plate from shock. He stood there, dumbfounded, as the whole place erupted in cheers and shocked whistles.
"I never knew you were such a singer!" cried Peaches. "Excellent show!"
"Dib, you may actually be a future person," said Ms. Bitters. "But I still doubt it. PASS!"
"Dib, you have the voice for that song," said Simon. "It was definitely a good choice for you. I am concerned, however, that you may not be able to sing well for other genres. Still, if you plan to stay in that sort of music, you're good to go."
"Thanks… I think," said Dib, wondering if the feedback he received was good or bad.
"Excellent job, Dib," said Colette happily when Dib went backstage. "I only hope I can be as good."
"I'm sure you'll do fine," said Dib, smiling and blushing.
"COLETTE BRUNNEL!" Peaches cried. "She shall be our next contestant!"
"Oh dear!" Colette gasped, running off. "Thanks Dib, see you later!"
When she made it on stage, her music had already started. She caught her breath and began to sing along with 's "Butterfly." Her voice was just perfect: high pitched, perky, and excited. When she was done, everyone applauded and cheered for her, and she smiled.
"That was BEAUTIFUL!" gushed Peaches, "I just got the song downloaded to my Hard Drive! You're an awesome singer!"
"That was too perky," grouched Ms. Bitters. "However, you were sufficiently annoying enough. You pass."
"Colette, darling, same thing I told Dib," Simon said, bracingly. "You've got the voice for these kinds of songs, but I'm not sure if you could manage to do a multi-genre singing career. Stick to the joy and wonder, and you should be happy and successful, okay?"
"Got it!" Colette said, skipping away (she tripped over a wire and knocked a light down onto the stage).
"And now we have… Ron Weasley, singing 'Stacy's Mom!'" Peaches said happily, and then something clicked in her mind and she looked rather startled; then frightened. Around the auditorium, everyone froze. Ron came to the stage in utter silence.
He got about eight lines in before Simon told him that he had the talent of a dead cow and that his stage presence was also exceptionally lacking. Ms. Bitters merely shook her head. Peaches could no longer make noises with her voice, so she just gave a thumbs-down. Ron left the stage quickly, dodging boos and trash projectiles.
"Okay, moving on…" Peaches said, finally getting her voice back. "Iggins will be singing Boulevard of Broken Dreams… eek, that's mildly depressing."
When Iggins sang, they only let him get about ½ way into the first verse. Simon shut him down, saying his voice was too high-pitched for the song. Ms. Bitters said that he was trying too hard to be emo and that he should just go and throw himself into the side of a volcano. Peaches didn't say anything, though she looked upset. When she regained herself, she introduced the next person.
"Next up," she said. "We have Zelos Wilder singing 'Eye of the Tiger.'"
The girls in the audience went wild. Tak cheered and whistled from about the third row back, clapping furiously. Zelos, in yet another outfit that was a little disturbing and revealing, took the stage. The song was the perfect one for him; he could get his voice just high enough to match the first person to sing it. Like Ginny, he had the crowd really into it, too, and his song was punctured by intermittent female shrieks of ecstasy.
"Not bad," Simon said, earning boos from the crowd. "Hey! Wait and let me explain… I admit, your stage presence is barely rivaled by anyone else here, but your voice is just a little bit lacking. Still, your flashy moves make up for it slightly."
"Syphilis," Ms. Bitters said, nodding.
"That's like, one of my favorite songs in the whole world!" cried Peaches. "Thank you for singing it for me!"
"I sang it for all my hunnies," said Zelos, bowing graciously and leaving.
"Okay," Peaches read. "Next we have… Gaz Membrane. She's singing Ugly Girl."
Gaz walked out onstage to only a few people's clapping. Ms. Bitters also put her hands together twice and then quickly resumed her normal stance. As the music played, Gaz sang along. Although she wasn't really… singing, per say. It was more of a furious talk along with the words, stressing a few here and there, her left eye bulging out as she did so.
"I'm an UGLY girl… my face makes you HURL…" she "sang."
"I hate this song," muttered Neville to Harry, who nodded.
"Acne everywhere… unwanted facial HAIR… I'm a RELATION to FRANKENSTEIN'S CREATION…" Gaz said.
"This is miserable," said Genis. "This song is retarded from the beginning, but I can't help but want to gouge out my hammer bones."
"Me too," Raine agreed.
"You're a DOG… and a TROLL… were you HIT by a TRAIN?" Gaz shouted.
"That's quite enough," said Simon. "That wasn't even singing, and, personally, I think you should have given this more thought before you even considered this."
"Your face is stupid and you're anorexic on the inside," Gaz said, flatly. "Go back to Wales."
"I was moved," said Ms. Bitters. "You have talent."
"Respect, Ms. Bitters," said Gaz, nodding. The crowd booed and Ms. Bitters and Gaz both shut them up with one look.
"Um… well…" said Peaches. "I much prefer the Barbie Girl song, but… I guess… that wasn't miserable…"
"YO' MOMMA!" Gaz roared, pointing at Peaches. Peaches looked stunned and Gaz walked away.
"Okay," said Peaches. "I think we're almost done. Next up is… Sheena Fujibayashi singing… 'There Can Be Miracles' from the Prince of Egypt."
Sheena, dressed in her Meltokio formal wear, walked on stage. Almost every male face in the auditorium had their eyes bug and mouths drop. Sheena, nervous, tossed her hair back and began to sing. Though her voice was extremely good, she didn't have much stage presence. She seemed to be trying to make herself small and insignificant.
"Sheena," said Simon, leaning forward again. "You've got amazing talent, you really do. However, your stage presence makes it look like you don't really want to be doing it, and that takes away from the overall picture."
"PH33R THE AUDIENCE!" Ms. Bitters shouted dramatically.
"I thought it was very well sung," said Peaches, glancing to the other two judges. "Don't give up, Sheena, I'm sure you'll do better next time."
"Thanks," said Sheena, walking off the stage. Ron drooled backstage.
"Next up, we have Presea Combatir. She will be singing 'Woodchips' by the CMB," read Peaches.
"What's the CMB?" asked Genis.
"Chainsaw Massacre Brigade," said Harry, flatly. "Luna tried to get me to listen to a CD of them a while ago, but I resisted. Barely."
Presea walked out on stage, almost in a zombie-like state. She took the microphone, waited for the music to start, and began to sing. When she opened her mouth, however, nearly the entire auditorium found themselves clamping their hands to their ears. Presea had trained her voice to sound just like a chainsaw. For almost four long, painful minutes, Presea sang. When it was over, sixteen people had to be removed due to hemorrhages in the areas around their ears and brains.
"What the hell was that?" asked Simon. "That was… that wasn't human! I have never, in all my years, heard something so miserable and unearthly! I don't even WANT to know how you did that! My God!"
"Presea, are your vocal cords intact?" cried Peaches. "I thought you were dying or something!"
"That was BEAUTIFUL!" sobbed Ms. Bitters. "That was the best performance of the night! I loved it!"
"Thank you, Ms. Bitters," Presea said, nodding, and then leaving in a taciturn state once more.
"We only have three more singers," said Peaches. "First up… Luna Lovegood, singing 'Nowhere' by FictionJuniction Yuuka!"
Luna dropped out of the ceiling and landed hard on the stage. She stood up, smiled, and grabbed a microphone that fell after her. Her music started, and she began to sing along. However, it was soon apparent that she was not singing in English; rather, she was singing in Japanese. Still, her voice seemed well adapted to the foreign song, moving over the different rises and falls with virtually no trouble at all. At the end, she bowed, and everyone clapped (especially the row of Japanese foreign exchange students that were sitting in the back of the auditorium).
"I have no bloody idea what you just said," said Simon. "But it sounded good."
"Very good," said Ms. Bitters. "I'm proud to see one of you worthless children take your Social Study seriously at least."
"I translated as you were singing," said Peaches. "And that was a beautiful song. Thank you for that excellent performance."
"Aye," said Luna. "I'll be back in a little bit, the CIA has some orphanages to purge."
"Okay, next up…" said Peaches. "We have Hermione Granger singing 'You're Still the One.'"
"HERMIONE?" Harry cried. "SINGING COUNTRY?"
"It would appear that way," said Raine, looking slightly shocked herself. "I hope she does well…"
Hermione approached the stage, looking positively mortified. When she took the microphone from Peaches, she took in a nervous breath and then began to sing. Her voice, surprisingly, was beautiful and flawless. By the end of the song, everyone was speechless, stunned by her talent. She stood there, looking confused, and the whole auditorium began to clap and cheer.
"That was extremely wonderful," said Peaches. "It made me feel joy inside my body."
"Pass," said Ms. Bitters, back to emotionlessness.
"Hermione…you may have a future in singing! Congratulations on an excellent performance," Simon said, clapping.
"Thank you very much," Hermione said earnestly, before quickly departing the stage.
"Our final contestant will be singing 'Cotton-Eye Joe," said Peaches. "And that is… ZIM!"
Zim walked out on stage. There was a pause, and everyone burst into laughter. Zim had on a ten-gallon straw hat, suspenders, and a long, white beard. A washtub was tied to his back, and he carried a pitchfork. He raised his eyebrow at the laughing students, and then walked proudly to the front of the stage, taking up the microphone. Zim surprised everyone, once again, with making his voice sufficiently redneck-like so that he actually managed to get everything down perfectly. Still, everyone laughed throughout the song.
"That was amusing, but not the best we've seen," said Simon. "I'd give you an average."
"… FARMA'H!" was all Ms. Bitters shouted, before soaring away and out the window.
"That was good, Zim," said Peaches, barely containing a grin. "But I'm sure you'll not mind when you're not picked for the finals."
"FOOLS! I SHALL RULE YOU ALL WITH MY IRON SPATULA OF DOOM!" cried Zim.
"That's a washtub!" called Dib from backstage.
"SILENCE!" Zim shouted.
"Okay… ignoring him for a moment… it's time to announce the finalists!" Peaches clapped happily. "We've seen everything from awesome talent to miserable wannabes, and it's time to separate the boys from the men… so to speak. I much prefer girls from the women, but… anyway…
"Our finalists, in no particular order… Colette Brunnel, Zelos Wilder, Dib Membrane, Tak, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, and… Hermione Granger!"
Everyone clapped and cheered as the finalists walked to the stage, smiling and waving. Backstage, a few people looked a little putout, though no more than Sheena, who punched a hole in the wall. Finally, once Peaches gave the time to be back the next afternoon, the entire auditorium emptied. Everyone else returned to their dorms.
Sunday, February 14th. 4:55 A. M. Colette/Sheena's Room.
In the early hours of Sunday morning, Colette and Girtrude sat on Colette's bed, a small cauldron between them. A pink vapor radiated from it as the girls poured over a book, whispering excitedly while Sheena snored in the corner. They were mixing a special potion for Valentine's Day, one that would bring them both joy. Or so they hoped.
"Have we got everything?" whispered Colette.
"Yes," Girtrude said. "Will Sanchez find true love today?"
"We can hope so," said Colette, "Now, just let me add this one last ingredient…"
As she did so, the cauldron began to bubble furiously. It collapsed in on itself slightly, and then exploded, rocking the entire room and shaking the entire building. The vapor leaked out of the open window and began to spread across the entire campus. Groans, distant cries, and coughing could be heard around the campus, and Sheena was raging at Girtrude, who had landed on top of her. Colette looked out the window.
"I hope that wasn't bad," said Colette, a frightened look on her face.
Sunday, February 14th. 10:45 A. M. Whitestone School.
As the rest of the campus awoke, they found themselves feeling very strange. A majority of the students had suddenly developed uncontrollable lusting for someone, most often a crush, or their significant other in the case of a couple. This lead to many strange actions, including binge-buying on the quick delivery internet sites around the world wide web. Though it was felt by both sexes, boys had it much more badly than the girls as their natural instinct to impress was tripled by the fumes of the potion.
Dib was one of the first to feel the full effects. By six in the morning, he was already ordering item upon item in a last-ditch effort to impress Colette. When he saw the message that denoted the fact that it would arrive via a huge plane, he breathed a sigh of relief. Big planes were much safer than smaller ones.
Harry, while completely infatuated with thoughts of Ginny, still had enough room to be concerned for Ron. Ron was in a frenzy, tearing apart the room looking for any spare money he could. With a sigh, Harry held his redheaded friend back from their computer, fearing he would run his already poor family into even more debt by the time his hormones had calmed down.
"But I need to impress her… she's everything to me!" wailed Ron.
"You sound like that time you took a… oh crap," said Harry, eyes widening as he realized what was going on. He released Ron, who dove headfirst into a wall.
"Harry!" cried Hermione, who had just run in (having slammed the door in the faces of six geeky-looking boys thrusting chocolate at her).
"Hermione! Are you alright?" asked Harry.
"I'm fine," said Hermione in a rather annoyed voice. "Love Potions don't work with those who have a strong mental barrier, such as myself. Still, I think you should take some precautions. I've already got Ginny, Luna, and a few others using Bubblehead Charms to stop it from getting any worse."
"What happened, exactly?" Harry asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Hermione cried. "A Love Potion Explosion in Colette's room. It's infected the whole school, and that's a big problem. You should see the great lengths the boys are going to win the hearts of girls."
"It can't be that bad," said Harry.
"Harry… Iggins just bought the state of Kentucky for someone," said Hermione incredulously.
"We've gotta pout a stop to this!" cried Harry.
"Let's go!" Hermione added, blowing the door up as the two exited and dodged more fanboys and girls.
After they left, Ron picked his head up from the ground. He glanced around, and a grin spread across his face. He leapt straight to the computer and began to click and type away.
Meanwhile, only five people had been able to completely negate the effects of the Potion. In the middle of the chaos, Ms. Bitters, Countess von Verminstrasser, Gaz, Presea, and Luna stood stock-still, huge, brown gas masks on their faces. As they stood there, they were constantly approached, but soon turned away.
"My dear," said Snape, approaching and carrying flowers. "I present these to you, as well as my humble heart."
"For me?" Ms. Bitters asked.
"Yes," said Snape.
Ms. Bitters took the flowers and ate them. She spat out the stems onto Snape, who blinked. She glared at him for a few seconds, and then turned away. Snape snapped his fingers and then retreated towards his office, planning his next attack.
"I got you this state," said Iggins, walking up to Presea. He held the deed to Kentucky in his hands.
"For me?" asked Presea.
"Yes," said Iggins.
She set it on fire. Six souls escaped from the burning paper, wailing as they faded into the sky. Iggins wailed and was kicked away by Gaz, who was getting a headache. Finally, they were approached by Regal.
"I got you this…" he said, handing some money to Countess von Verminstrasser.
"For me?" asked the Countess.
"Yes," said Regal.
"Very good," she said, pocketing it. "If you need use of my services in the future, just let me know."
"I'm sure all of the little ones are in a better place," said Regal somberly, before turning and walking back towards Building D.
"Well, we'd better go," said Luna, happily. "We don't want to be late for the Whitestone Idol finals!"
The girls and women walked away. Behind a shrub, Zim watched them walk away. He grimaced in rage and snapped his fingers. Girtrude played with Sanchez, who was ordering her to buy things for Gorfy.
"It is clear to me that this… these feelings… are a mere weakness in the mind system of humans. But… I cannot help but be drawn to her… ARGH!" cried Zim, bashing his head off a pole, "WHY—MUST—THIS—BE—SO—DIFFICULT!"
He stopped. Girtrude stared quizzically at him. Zim merely sighed and pointed to his forehead; it was frozen to the pole. Girtrude giggled a little bit and walked away while Zim frantically tried to detach himself.
Sunday, February 14th. 2:00 P. M. The Auditorium.
"Good afternoon again, everyone!" cried Peaches. "It's been a very interesting day, and so far we've had four-hundred and sixty-two declarations of love, fifty broken hearts, six wedding proposals, and four threats of appearances on Maury unless children are claimed. All in all, another busy day, right everyone?
"Now, it's time for the Final Seven people to take the stage once more, vying for the top position as the Whitestone Idol! Are you all ready?"
The resounding cheer was enough to shake the windows. Peaches smiled happily and resumed her seat at the judges table (which was stacked high with well-wishers for each of the judges). Ms. Bitters slowly burned everything Snape had given her, while he sobbed in the audience. Peaches discarded all the chocolates, but kept the pretty ribbons and microchips Master Computer had sent her. Simon basked in the glory as a few dozen girls melted behind him.
"First up… well, we have a small change. We'll have Tak and Zelos both singing a song, one that they claim is proper for a day celebrated for love."
"What song do you think it'll be?" asked Genis in a whisper.
"I don't know," said Raine, "But I bet it'll be something a tad tasteless…"
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Zelos. "Boys and girls. Hunnies and servant boys… I present to you... the fabulous Tak!"
Tak walked out on stage and stood next to Zelos. Both were wearing the most revealing clothing articles yet seen on the campus. In fact, a few turned away in embarrassment. This was nothing, however, until they began to sing their song. The problem? The song was "My Humps." Worse, they were dancing in the dirtiest ways possible without being obscene. This was something Simon finally couldn't take.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" he shouted. "If we wanted to see that, we'd go to a strip club!"
Ms. Bitters said nothing and continued to burn her valentine's gifts. Peaches was furious.
"We have small children in the audience!" she shouted, pointing at the terrified-looking elementary kids. "I can't believe you two would be so foolhardy and reckless! They'll be traumatized for life. What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"You don't know true talent when you see it," said Tak proudly, stomping off stage. Zelos snorted derisively, gave them all a smug look, and followed, to the loud applause of everyone but the judges.
Next up was Colette. She sang "Come Chameleon," another overly perky song by the same group who made "Butterfly," but Simon was not in the mood for the perkiness, Ms. Bitters was still pryotripping, and only Peaches loved the song. The audience, however, didn't receive it so well and went about clapping and cheering with less enthusiasm.
Luna was next, and she sang another song in Japanese, "Asu E No Brilliant Road." Once again, Simon praised her without having the foggiest idea of what she had sang. Ms. Bitters, now buried in a pile of ash, also concurred that the song was well-done. Peaches clapped happily, having downloaded and translated the song once more.
When Dib walked on stage, he was shaking. But he knew what he had to do. It was the very first important step he had planned for the day, and it was one that would have to go flawlessly. He looked straight at Colette, and began to sing his own rendition of, "Burnin' Love." It was so well done once again that the entire audience was up and dancing by the end, some swinging with their partners (Snape had tried to dance with Ms. Bitters and had abruptly found himself waltzing with Trelawney, and Iggins sported a large bruise after he had latched on to Presea).
"That was good," said Simon. "But my advice remains unchanged."
"That was good," said Peaches. "I think you were just a little high on a couple of notes, but nothing too major."
"That was good," said Ms. Bitters. "I heard things about setting things on fire and burning. That is good."
Ginny was the sixth singer. As she approached the microphone, a dozen roses flew to the stage. Harry outdid them and threw a Fanged Geranium, which ate the roses. Ginny smiled at it and set it off to the side and began to sing. She had chosen "My Heart Will Go On," and it was astoundingly sung. By the end, almost everyone was in tears. Right at the climax, Ginny knocked the high notes out of the park, almost shattering the high windows.
"I… I don't know what to say," said Simon, dabbing his eyes. "There were so many wonderful aspects to that song… it's just impossible to decide on a single word… I don't know what's wrong with me, for some reason… music just… is touching me today…"
"I am speechless as well," said Ms. Bitters. "Your voice can heal things and inspire courage. Take advantage of it."
Peaches sobbed so hard that she couldn't speak. Ginny bowed as the audience gave her a standing ovation. She left the stage and was immediately followed by Hermione. Her appearance made everyone gasp.
She was dressed completely in denim. Her hair was done up in a way that made it straight and shiny. She wore a cowboy hat and boots. Her shirt and shorts were almost scandalously revealing for the normally-conservative Hermione, but she barely blushed as she took the microphone.
She sang, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" This was enough to scare almost everyone, but she sang it so well. Where she got the twang in her voice was a mystery to almost everyone, but she sang the song flawlessly. Near the end, right before she finished, she shouted, "NOW HARRY!"
From above, Harry set off the sprinklers. It doused the audience, many of whom were brought back to their senses. Whatever was in the sprinklers worked, because a ton of people looked mortified as they reflected on their day's actions. Some, however, hadn't given up yet.
"And that was Hermione Granger," said Peaches. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for… the winner… the Champion of Whitestone Idol is… GINNY WEASLEY"
Ginny walked out on stage to the great applause of the audience. Peaches placed a tiara in her hair and handed her a bouquet of flowers. Harry jumped up on stage and rushed over and planted a large kiss on her cheek. She leapt into his arms and allowed one of the MEDIA to take a picture for the papers.
"If there are any last-minute things to say…" said Peaches. "Please do so now."
"I have one, Peaches," said Raine, taking the microphone from her. "Kratos… YOU NEED TO BE A MAN AND QUIT RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS! I WON'T LET YOU DENY YOUR BABY, YOU BASTARD!"
Kratos looked pale and stunned. The students went silent. Lloyd and Genis looked as though they had just been hit with a large, blunt object in the abdomen. Simon quickly snuck away, hoping to leave the school as quickly as possible (Girtrude chased after him, trying to hook him up with the now-single Sharifah-Latifah).
Outside…
"Colette," said Dib. "Come with me. I have something to show you."
"I'll meet you over behind Building B in a minute, I need to escort Lloyd and Genis to counseling," said Colette. "See ya in a bit!"
"Right," said Dib, who quickly walked over towards the landing strip he had set up.
"SHEENA!" Ron cried, dashing towards the ninja. "I got you stuff! It's stuff you want, I swear. You're my everything and I love you!"
"What?" Sheena asked. "Uh, Ron… I…"
"I NEED YOU!" he wailed pathetically, thrusting various clothing articles and household appliances into her hands.
"That's very flattering," said Sheena. "But I—"
"MARRY ME!" he shouted, lunging at her. She screamed and ran away, Ron in hot pursuit.
"Iggins, I'm warning you," said Gaz, pointing her GameSlave Advance at him. "Stay away from Presea, or else."
"But I love her!" cried Iggins, trying to get at Presea, who was hiding behind Gaz.
"You've got to the count of three," said Gaz. "One…"
"MARRY ME!" cried Ron, still chasing.
"NO!" Sheena shouted, still running.
"Luna! Here's a sandwich," said Zim, handing her a chocolate sandwich.
"Two…" Gaz muttered, extending the missile launcher.
"It's wonderful, Zim!" cried Luna, eating it quickly. "And I got you this charred deed to Kentucky.
"Excellent," said Zim, cackling.
Dib watched as the plane turned to make a landing. He grinned as all Colette's gifts drew closer.
"Three…" Gaz said, beginning to lower her finger.
"MARRY ME!" Ron shouted.
"RESTRAINING ORDER!" Sheena bellowed.
"I LOVE PRESEA!" shouted Iggins.
"Look, a dead bird!" shouted Girtrude, pointing to the sky.
"FIRE!" shouted Gaz, firing the missile.
It shot out of the pod at a high rate of speed. However, Iggins sneezed at the last minute and moved out of the way. The missile sailed past him and flew into the air, right into the sky. It slammed into and blew up the plane carrying all of Dib's stuff, and everyone watched as the fireball erupted and the pilots parachuted to safety.
"Whoops," said Gaz, blinking.
Dib looked crushed as the wreckage landed around him. The only thing that survived was a slightly burnt box of chocolates, which he picked up. His face was a mask of sheer pathetic, and there were tears in his eyes.
"Wow, Dib," said Colette. "You look like you were in a plane crash a few seconds ago."
"You could say that," muttered Dib, then, limply handed the chocolates to her. "Happy Valentine's Day."
"… for me…?" Colette asked, eyes widening.
"Yes…" Dib muttered.
"Oh… Dib… this is the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever received!" cried Colette.
"… it is? I thought you got a lot today…" Dib said, blinking.
"No, most boys think I'm too perky. Same with Peaches. We're starting a support group," said Colette. "But these are my favorites! You're so sweet…"
She kissed him on the cheek and walked away, hugging the chocolates. Dib stood there for a second, smiling stupidly. His hand slowly went to his cheek, and he broke out into a gigantic grin. One of the plane's wings crashed down and plowed him six feet into the ground, and yet all he could do was smile happily and hold his hand to the place where Colette had kissed him. He had won, and that mattered more than anything, even breathing oxygen. Above him, Sheena was thrashing the psychotic Ron, Iggins was retreating from Presea and Gaz, Snape was stalking Ms. Bitters, and Luna and Zim were en-route to set up their base of operations in Kentucky. All in all, it was a perfect Valentines Day in Whitestone Academy.
From Colette's Mind: (June 2011)
Hey everyone! It's so great to see people are actually reading about our adventures at Whitestone! I'm sure Matt's (who is the author for those confused by me suddenly mentioning him) very happy. Anyway, after we've dealt with so much this year, especially this crazy Valentine's Day, what could be more random? I can't think of anything myself… but I'm going to do my best to keep my head up, no matter what happens! Next chapter is March, and who knows what'll be in store for us next time? I just hope we don't get sent someplace cold. I don't like the cold much. See you later!