From Neville's Mind: (June 2011)
Um… hi… Neville here. You're reading Tales of Invader Potter and the Whitestone School, a story that chronicles our adventures at the Whitestone Academy. We're a motley band of students, and we've all got our strengths, weaknesses, and crushes… and there's a lot of explosions and things that go on. Anyway, it's already March, and that means there's only three more months left before the year ends. I can't decide if I'm more upset or… relieved. So… in March, we find ourselves faced with a new challenge: License Acquisition… and… well… it's quite a trip…
Chapter 12: Driver's Education
March 20th, Monday. 11:38 A. M. Career's Classroom.
HOUSEPOINT TOTALS: Fence: 838 / Typhoid: 994 / Iko Iko: 747/ Potato: 1030
"So you see, children," Ms. Bitters addressed her class at the end of the period. "It's okay to laugh at old people and children who fall off bikes because they don't give back to society and deserve their punishment."
The temperature had finally risen above freezing, and the snow was gone. The grounds of Whitestone had finally been planted, and grass sprung up everywhere. This caused people with allergies (especially Tak, Hermione, Neville, and Raine) to suffer and sneeze, as well as wear masks. As per usual, nearly half the class was only dimly aware of what was going on, many still yearning for a nap and some lunch.
"Don't forget," Ms. Bitters reminded them as the bell rang. "You start your Driver Education class tomorrow. All of the Professors, as well as Master Computer, will be testing you on your controlling abilities of vehicular motion devices. Don't forget your LEARNER'S PERMITS!"
She jumped into the ceiling ninja-style and disappeared. The students stared for a few moments before filing out, now ready to eat lunch. While most were excited, a few were apprehensive. Hermione and Genis were both in a blind panic, trying to remember everything they'd learned about driving over the past two weeks. Zelos, on the other hand, was probably the coolest of all of them.
"I've been driving since I was seven," he bragged to Tak. "It's easy."
"I find that hard to believe," said Genis.
"And why is that, brat?" asked Zelos.
"You live in Tethe'alla. They don't have vehicles there… unless you count animal-drawn wagons," replied Genis, smugly.
"… irreverent…" muttered Zelos.
"It's 'irrelevant,' moron," said Sheena, smacking Zelos over the back of the head.
"Ow," whined Zelos.
"Honestly," muttered Hermione as she and the rest of the Hogwarts group walked ahead of the others. "Will they ever stop that?"
"Will you ever stop saying, 'Honestly,' in that horrible, whining tone?" grouched Ron.
"One of these days, Ronald," Hermione said, eyes flashing dangerously.
"Cut the crap, guys," Harry said. "It's too early for this."
"Harry… it's almost noon!" Hermione cried, "Did you just wake up?"
"Yeah. Careers is pointless," said Harry, yawning.
A lightning bolt flew from the Health Room and crashed into Harry, burning him slightly. Everyone around took a few steps back as he coughed up black smoke. Presea and Gaz shook their heads in a knowing way and lead the student body to the cafeteria.
Ten minutes later, in front of Building E…
"Good afternoon, peons," said Master Computer, addressing the school at large. "A majority of you do not have your licenses, which is why we are here today. Some of you will take your tests today, some tomorrow. First of all, you need your learner's permits. Who does not have their learner's permit?"
All the hands of all the students, except for the Symphonia, Hogwarts, and smudged-town students all went up. Iggins also put his hand up, having "lost" his the day before (it had been payment for a job Presea and Gaz had done, and Gorfy the Chihuahua friend of Girtrude's was currently eating it). Master Computer shook his head. Ms. Bitters rose to the platform next.
"You without learner's permits will need to spend the rest of this day filling out your applications for your learner's permits. You need forms 301A through 1623B filled out by tomorrow morning at the latest. I will be at the front desk with Master Computer to assist you in any way I can," she informed them angrily.
"Why aren't you instructing, Professor?" asked Colette curiously.
"I was banned after a nasty incident involving a Chevalier and sixteen geese," replied Ms. Bitters, though sans flashback.
"I wanna be a racecar driver!" Iggins said. "I wish I could go that fast and get money for it!"
"I was once a racecar driver…" Ms. Bitters said, finally triggering another black-and-white flashback.
In a racetrack with a long, winding road, thousands of people watched as seventy-four cars dashed around the track. In one of these cars was a very young, naïve Ms. Bitters. She sat, steering haphazardly with a big, dumb grin on her face. Somehow, she was passing car after car, right into third place on the final lap. She was about to pass the last two, and take the win.
"But then my dream of eternal glory was CRUSHED by divine intervention," she hissed.
A small child in the stands pulled back one of those cars that go once you pull them back and launched it into the racetrack. Ms. Bitters' car hit it, spun out, and collided with the other two cars, triggering a nuclear explosion that annihilated the racetrack and all the cars but one. This car crossed the finish line and took the win.
The flashback faded and everyone found themselves watching as Ms. Bitters choked the microphone as though it was the neck of a small child. She did this for about thirty more seconds before she spoke again.
"And that is why," she concluded. "We should all make a move towards totalitarianism. Choices make you MISERABLE! Just look at the Amish."
She swooped over the crowd and sat at the desk in the back. She had dozens of stacks of paper behind her, each held together with some string. Finally, Master Computer informed them that those with their permits could go outside and find their drivers and car partners.
"Excellent," said Harry. "I hope I'm with you guys."
"Us as well," said Hermione. "But I'm so scared… what if we get Snape?"
"Then we'll fail and just take it next week," said Ron, dryly.
"Good luck, Colette," said Dib, blushing.
"Thanks, I'm going to need it," said Colette, shaking. "But I'm sure you'll do fine. You're a really good driver, right?"
Dib thought back to the time where he flew Tak's ship into the side of Mount Everest and caused an avalanche that buried four small villages and a moose.
"Of course," he said with a big grin.
"Liar," hissed Gaz as she and Presea stalked past, each carrying armfuls of weapons.
"What are you doing with those?" queried Sheena, who was passing in the other direction.
"Classified," both girls answered in unison.
"They're very frightening," commented Neville.
"Yes. Yes they are," said Sheena. "Say, Neville, where's the list?"
"Right here," said Ginny, who was scanning it hopefully. "It's three people to a car with one Professor as well. Most of the cars are just SABBIE 4-Seaters, each with four doors and the basic set-up."
"No sunroof?" complained Zelos. "Now my wavy hair can't fly freely like it's supposed to!"
"Now we're all safe from lice," said Genis and Sheena at the same time.
Everyone read the list. Some were ecstatic, but many were crushed. On the paper, they read the following:
DRIVING GROUPS:
Professor Regal Bryant
Zim Zimmerson
Girtrude McBluegrass
Luna Lovegood
Professor Raine Sage
Hermione Granger
Ron Weasley
Presea Combatir
Professor Countess von Verminstrasser
Ginny Weasley
Dib Membrane
Gaz Membrane
Professor Kratos Aurion
Zelos Wilder
Genis Sage
Neville Longbottom
Professor Sibyl Trelawney
Lloyd Irving
Sheena Fujibayashi
Colette Brunnel
Professor Severus Snape
Harry Potter
Peaches Version 2.0
Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota.
"You've gotta be kidding me," said Harry. "Does some higher power have a grudge against me?"
"It's alright, Harry," said Peaches, brightly. "You're with me! You can't be any worse than I am!"
"Peaches…" said Tak. "Why in hell do you need to take a driver's education course?"
"Oh… well… you see…" said Peaches, embarrassed. "When they made me… they forgot to program a driving function… so I've gotta use my artificial intelligence to… you know… store it…"
"Fabulous. You really are useless," said Zelos, dryly.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words are inferior to my central processing unit's power," said Peaches, sticking her tongue out.
"… we're definitely writing you a new program for comebacks," said Genis, shaking his head.
"Oh, good," said Hermione, breathing a sigh of relief. "We're with Professor Sage."
"Good?" Ron cried. "How is that good? She's going to be tough on us!"
"Chances of passing are 65% for Ron and 82% for Hermione," said Presea robotically.
"… That's good, I guess…" said Hermione.
"Hey, Zim!" said Luna enthusiastically. "We get to test together!"
"I'm aware of this, human," said Zim. "Er… I mean… yes, Luna, I did notice this."
"And Girtrude's going with us," Luna added.
"Eh? WHY?" Zim roared to the sky.
"Because Perferidity signed us up for that," said Girtrude, holding a pelican by her feet as she frantically tried to get away.
"What a cute bird," said Luna, happily petting the struggling seabird on the head.
"Verminstrasser? You've got to be kidding me!" Dib wailed.
"Silence, Dib," said Gaz. "You will NOT screw this up for me, GOT IT?"
"Can you even reach the peddles?" asked Dib in a testy voice.
"Can you?" retorted Gaz.
"… ouch…" Dib said, looking crestfallen.
"I drive first!" Ginny claimed with a fist pump.
"Then we can learn from your failures so we can pass," said Gaz, flatly.
"You take the joy out of life, you know that?" Ginny said, eyebrow raised.
"It's my destiny," Gaz replied, striking a dramatic pose.
"Oh… Lloyd, Sheena, we get to drive together," said Colette, smiling.
"Cool! I've always wanted to get a driver's license," said Lloyd, the dumb hero grin on his face.
"Whose our professor?" Sheena asked, and then her face paled.
"Trelawney, of course," said Colette, oblivious to Sheena and Lloyd's horror.
"Does she even HAVE a license?" asked Sheena in a horrified tone.
"I'd rather have Ms. Bitters than her…" muttered Lloyd.
"Look on the bright side," said Colette-the-eternal-optimist. "She'll be an easy pass!"
"Or an easy death…" muttered Sheena darkly.
"Okay, you two boys who get to drive with the fabulous Zelos," said the Tethe'allan Chosen. "Prepare to be dazzled with a display of complete control of motor vehicles!"
"I'm driving with you? You've GOT to be kidding," said Genis snootily.
"Guys… I've never driven before… I'm going to fail!" wailed Neville.
"You'll do fine, Neville," said Hermione, who had come to console him. "Much better than these other two idiots anyway…"
She got looks of disdain and hatred from Zelos and Genis, respectively. She merely tossed her hair back and stood with her group, waiting for the cars to show up. They finally did so, each the same brown color with "WARNING: STUDENT DRIVER. CLEAR THE STREETS OF ANYTHING WITH A SOUL" written across the top and doors. The first four pulled up to the curb; Trelawney ran over it. The doors opened automatically and the Professors beckoned them in.
"So… I'm with you three?" said Regal, looking at his list as Zim pulled himself into the driver's seat. "Luna, Zim, and Girtrude?"
"And them," said Girtrude, pointing to the trunk, where Sanchez, Gorfy, Sharifah-Latifah, Ahkmed, and Perferidity had crammed themselves.
"Um… well… okay, then," said Regal. "Now, Zim, I need you to back out slowly and drive to your right, where you will—"
"Yes, yes," said Zim. "If I can operate Irken Megadoomers I can operate this pathetic motion device…"
"Er… whatever you say?" said Regal, frowning and scribbling something on his clipboard.
"Now… AWWAAAAAY!" shouted Zim dramatically as he drove the car away (he managed to slam into three parked cars before screeching out the front gates and toward the town).
Raine's Car
"Well, hello everyone," said Raine, smiling as Hermione climbed into the front and Ron and Presea clicked themselves into the backseat.
"H-Hello Professor," said Hermione, shaking.
"Calm down, Hermione, it'll be fine. I need you to show me the steering wheel…"
Hermione clasped her hands on it until her knuckles became white.
"Speedometer?"
Hermione slammed her palm to the dashboard, covering it.
"… Horn?"
Hermione slammed the horn so forcefully that she caused everyone around them to jump (Zelos concussed himself when he hit his head as he climbed into his own car).
"Okay, please drive out that way, the same way Zim went. Just… follow the path of destruction…" said Raine. "But don't add to it…"
"Yes, ma'am," said Hermione breathlessly, driving away at about ten miles an hour.
Verminstrasser's Car.
"Get in, quickly," said Verminstrasser. "We've got no time to waste!"
"What'd'ya want me to do?" Ginny asked, calmly.
"Follow the slow one. PASS HER!" shouted Verminstrasser. "ONWARD!"
"Aye, ma'am!" said Ginny, grinning and cranking it up to sixty. She speed away, both women cackling from the front seat (Dib squashed his face to the window in an attempt to get away and Gaz played a driving simulator on her GameSlave 4).
Kratos' Car.
"Okay, so… who do we have… oh Jesus…" said Kratos, looking up to see Zelos smirking next to him.
"Heya, teach!" said Zelos, grinning like an idiot. "You're our instructor."
"I'm thrilled," said Kratos, wishing he had written a will.
"Professor… I… I've never driven before…" said Neville.
"Don't worry," said Kratos in his emotionless voice. "The odds are you won't survive long enough to drive anyway."
"Oh… okay…" said Neville, face paling.
"Come on, Kratty!" Zelos joked. "You've known me for how long and you doubt my driving ability?"
"I doubt much more than that, my friend," said Kratos. "Follow the same path as Raine."
"Roger," said Zelos, pulling out and driving away at the same speed as Ginny, though with much less control.
Trelawney's Car.
"Enter, my dears… I see in your futures that you will have a difficult path ahead of you…" Trelawney greeted them mysteriously.
"Crock of crap," said Sheena, entering the backseat with Colette.
"Shut up, you little whore!" hissed Trelawney, turning around to flash her eyes dangerously at Sheena.
"Y-Yes ma'am," said Sheena, looking horrified suddenly. Lloyd snickered.
"And you, Barber-Boy, better get your act together before you drive out of here!" shouted the Professor, and she promptly collapsed, sleeping on the dashboard.
"Go, Lloyd, now's your chance," said Sheena, kicking the back of his seat.
"… how do I start this thing?" asked Lloyd, bewildered.
"Oh for the love of… turn the key, moron!" Sheena cried, waving her arms about her head like a lost child.
"Oh!" said Lloyd, "Okay!"
With that, he promptly drove them backward and into one of the few undamaged cars in the area. Once he figured out how to shift, they drove off, passing Raine's car about half a mile away from the school. And then they entered town, and that's where the real trouble began.
Snape's Car.
"Well," said Snape, who had been watching the others leave. "Now that they way is safe at last… let us commence. POTTER! You tell me how to drive this thing."
"Why? Don't you know how?" retorted Harry.
"Well, I… of course I do," said Snape, flushing. "Twenty points from Fence for your inappropriate comments!"
"You can do it, Harry!" Peaches cheered from the background.
"Shut up, Peaches, that won't help me right now," said Harry, gritting his teeth and gripping the wheel as he drove them away.
"Rodger, Podger!" said Peaches.
"… that was almost unbelievably stupid," muttered Tak as they drove off.
McDufee Street, Regal's Car.
"So, human teachernoid, how did I do?" inquired Zim as they came to a stop along the sidewalk.
"Well… you failed to stop at three stop signs… ran six red lights, had twelve rolling stops, almost hit that old lady…"
"She was evil, though," chimed in Luna. "The CIA taught me how to watch out for her type…"
"… and you called me many bizarre, insulting-sounding names," said Regal, glaring at Zim.
"But I am Zim… it's what I do… I was born this way," said Zim, looking pure and innocent.
"But you still passed by one point," said Regal. "I suggest you improve your driving skills before the next task. Luna, your turn."
"Oh goodie! Professor, what's the quickest way to the airport?" asked Luna.
"Oh, that's right," said Regal. "You're going for the Type FC8383 License: Aerodynamic Machines. Take 382 and Main."
"Correct," said Luna. "I'll get us there!"
"Eh?" said Zim.
"She's going to fly a PLAAAAANE!" sang Girtrude. "YAAAAY!"
"Here we are," said Luna, pulling into the airport's parking lot.
They went to the nearest plane, one that belonged to AIR COW. It had four piston engines and a high wing. SABBIE 2-SEATER was written on the side. Regal, Luna, and Zim sat in the cockpit while Girtrude donned a flight attendant outfit and secured her friends in the seats.
"Okay, Luna, get us into the air," said Regal as they taxied to the end of the runway.
"Roger," said Luna. "Tower, this is Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot 1-1-7 requesting permission for takeoff…"
"I hear something odd…" said Zim, turning to look out the window. His eyes bugged when he saw a jet on final approach.
"Luna, speed it up," said Regal, a slight edge to his voice.
"Roger, Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot cleared for takeoff on Runway 2-4 Left. Here we go!" Luna cried, applying full power.
The ancient plane scooted ahead with surprising speed. The other plane, the jet, came and landed, catching up to them. Just before impact, Luna pulled up and shot them into the air, and they were soon soaring above the town, with Whitestone in the distance. It reminded Zim a little bit of his trips on the Voot Cruiser, and he suddenly missed the vehicle. Which building had he parked it in again…?
"Now, Luna, show me a controlled dive," said Regal.
"Eh?" Zim asked, eyes bugging.
"Roger!" said Luna happily, diving toward the ground and ignoring the yells of Zim, Girtrude, and the other "passengers" in the cabin.
Frederick Street. Trelawney's Car.
"So… did I pass?" asked Colette as she skidded to a halt, completely blocking the road.
Professor Trelawney snapped awake. Lloyd and Colette had both driven while Sheena had lectured them on proper vehicle control. Behind them, they left a hot mess of destruction. Lloyd had knocked over twelve mailboxes, run fourteen cars off the side of the road, and taken down three light structures.
Colette had done worse. In her destructive trip, she had broken six signs, knocked out power to a thousand people, broken three water mains, completely obliterated the local high school, caused an eighteen-car-pileup, and, thanks to her, most of Market Street lay in ruins. She smiled nervously at Professor Trelawney, who was still confused.
"Did I fall asleep?" she asked.
"Yes. But it's okay, I—" Sheena began.
"LICENCES FOR ALL!" screeched Professor Trelawney.
"Um… yay!" said Colette, stamping on the gas pedal in joy (she shot forward and ran into a tree).
"Hey, look at this…" said Lloyd grabbing a paper that had become lodged in the cracked window. "They're doing a Gameshow at school!"
"WHAT?" shouted Professor Trelawney, "HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN? Quickly, children, we must away! The show starts soon!"
"What's it gonna be about?'" asked Colette.
"A fun game show involving famous people," said Sheena.
"Can I play?" asked Colette excitedly.
"We'll see," replied Sheena, who volunteered to drive them back (during which she avoided as much of the disaster zone as possible lest she feel the hatred of the citizens of the town.
First Street. Verminstrasser's Car.
"Be quick, child, we don't have all day!" hissed the vile, Nazi-like teacher as Dib took his turn. Ginny had passed with flying colors (and scored bonus points for damaging the sign of a local law firm that Professor Verminstrasser obviously disliked).
"Yes, ma'am," said Dib, flatly.
He drove along Main Street, until Verminstrasser leaned forward, glaring out the window. A bunch of Girl Scouts were sitting on the corner, waiting for people to stop so they could squeegee their windshields and force cookies upon them. An eye twitch radiated from their Professor.
"Run them over," said Verminstrasser.
"What?" Dib cried, "I can't do that!"
"Yes, you can. And you will, child!" hissed the teacher.
"Oh! Get the blonde one!" Gaz said from the back. Ginny had fallen asleep and wasn't aware of the goings-on.
"No! That's horrible! I can't do that," Dib said.
"I was once in the Girl Scouts…" said Verminstrausser, triggering the waviness that was for flashbacks, but then she ripped apart violently. "NO! NO flashback for YOU! We don't have time!"
"I'm not going to hit them," said Dib with finality.
"Oh yes you are!" said Verminstrasser, stealing the wheel from him.
"NO!" Dib shouted, pulling on it again. The car shot across both sides of the road, and the girls screamed and scattered, just making it out of the way in time for Dib to throw on the E-Brake and stop the car (Ginny awoke, though with whiplash now).
"You passed, even though you IGNORED my directions…" hissed Verminstrasser.
"My turn," said Gaz, shoving Dib to the curb, "Who can I hit?"
"Let's go by the Old Home," said Verminstrasser, evilly.
"Yes!" Gaz said, pulling a U-turn and flying to the other side of town.
Market Street. Kratos' Car.
"Well," said Kratos as Zelos skidded to a halt. "Although I'm terrified at the thought of you controlling a car without a Professor… I'll give you your license."
"Heheheh… the fabulous Zelos wins again!" cackled the Chosen, leaping out of the car in victory.
"Genis, you're up," said Kratos.
"Wait," said Genis, suddenly. "I'm not old enough to drive yet."
"… so you aren't. Well, I didn't think of that. Neville, you're up!"
"EH?" Neville gasped, paling. "But… I'm not ready…"
"Come now, Neville," said Kratos. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Just don't cause an accident and don't ignore my directions."
"O… okay…" said Neville, climbing into the driver's seat.
"Just carefully follow this street…" said Kratos.
Neville began to drive very slowly, though carefully, down the road. As he did, however, something came tearing around behind him. They could barely make out Colette in the driver's seat of Trelawney's car, grinning happily and swerving around the road and sidewalks. People fled before her oblivious wrath as she hit poles, signs, other parked cars, and even buildings. Finally, she took out a support beam for the tallest building on the street. It swayed dangerously and began to fall.
"Look out!" shouted Genis.
Neville slammed on the brakes and turned the wheel hard to the left as the building crushed the road in front of them with an almighty explosion. The rest of the buildings began to tumble and collapse, and Neville stepped on the gas and drove in the opposite direction. He had to weave left and right to dodge buildings, light posts, electrical wires, Old People (who had fled the Old Home, fearing their lives), as well as a group of hysterical girl scouts.
"Neville, keep your eyes on the road!" cried a panicked Zelos in a high-pitched voice.
"What?" asked Neville, and then he, too, screamed as he was heading right for a ramp, placed in the middle of the street.
The car shot off it, going about seventy. They flew over the town, landing three streets away on Main. The car rolled to a stop and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. They began to laugh nervously when the burning engine of a plane slammed into the hood, deploying the airbags. Once they deflated, the damage was seen. Genis and Zelos had smacked heads from the airbags on the sides, Neville's nose was bleeding, and Kratos had the imprint of the clipboard on his face where it had been rammed.
"… that doesn't count as an accident, does it?" asked Neville, horrified.
"I'm sorry, Neville," said Kratos. "You'll have to try again next week."
"NOOOOOO!" wailed the poor, soulless boy as the sounds of fire engines reached their ears.
Orange Boulevard. Snape's Car.
"Well, Potter, your performance was Average," said Snape.
"I did everything you told me to!" Harry snapped angrily. "Perfectly."
"His success rate was 99.2 percent," reminded Peaches uselessly from the back seat.
"It was nothing spectacular," dismissed Snape. "I'd expect a small child to achieve this success. Be that as it may, Potter, you receive your license. Don't take too long to get it revoked."
"Whatever you say, sir," replied Harry in a monotone, making way for Peaches.
"Wait," said Peaches. "I must initiate my A. I. to take down new information…"
"Hurry up," said Snape. "We still have to test Miss Mitsubishifordtoytota."
"No, you don't," replied Tak. "For I have here… A LICENSE!"
"… if you had your license, why did you bother coming?" asked Harry.
"I needed entertainment before the show," replied Tak lazily, lounging with her feet into the back of Snape's chair.
"Commencing driving program version 0.1," Peaches said. "Step one. Turn Key. Step Two… shift to drive… Step Three…"
"GET ON WITH IT!" bellowed Harry.
"Twenty points for Fence for shouting in a small, enclosed area and giving everyone a migraine, Potter!" Snape shouted back.
Peaches drove down the street, doing K-Turns, Alleyway Turn-abouts, and everything else Snape told her. As expected, she did everything perfectly. As they were turning around to do parallel parking, however, she began to twitch inexplicably.
"Peaches?" asked Harry.
"WARNING: THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN. IF PROBLEM PERSISTS, CONTACT MICROSOFT," she said, and her face suddenly turned blue with gray lettering.
"The Blue Screen of Death!" cried Tak. "NOOOO!"
Peaches shut off, sparked, and slumped forward, her foot still on the gas. The rest of the car's inhabitants screamed bloody murder as they went careening around a corner. Somehow, they managed to make it all the way down the long, dirt road and back to Whitestone in one piece (though they did end up crashing into the side of Building E. Snape fled the car, followed by Tak, leaving Harry to drag the crashed mechanical suit into the Auditorium by himself.
Fourth Street. Raine's Car.
"Ron, you're driving too fast," Hermione hissed, making Ron stomp on the breaks.
"Hermione, shut up," said Ron. "I can't concentrate."
"Watch out for that branch!" Hermione cried. "Honestly! You need to watch where you're going!"
"Hermione, no backseat driving," Raine said, though she seemed amused by the exchange.
"Ron… THAT'S A RED LIGHT!" Hermione shouted, clamping onto his shoulders.
"I KNOW!" Ron cried, whirling around. "HERMIONE, just because you passed, it doesn't mean I need your help!"
"The light is green," said Presea, staring ahead. "And your exchange is reminiscent of a married couple."
"Very true, Presea. Okay, Ron, you passed," said Raine, smiling and handing Ron his license. "Pull along the side…"
"Yes!" said Ron, pulling onto the curb in his excitement.
"My turn," said Presea, walking slowly to front of the car and stepping in. This took a second until she adjusted everything for her short stature.
"Okay," said Raine, "Now go up to Main Street and make a right turn."
They drove along with no real incident. Neither Ron nor Hermione made any sounds, fearing the wrath of the small, pink-haired girl. When they were about to turn onto the street, however, she stopped the car, looking down the roadway.
"There's no stop sign, Presea," said Raine, frowning. "Why did you—?"
WHOOSH!
A flaming plane shot down Main Street, tearing up the road and scattering various debris along the way. Raine, Ron, and Hermione sat there, utterly freaked out. Presea turned calmly to Raine. "May I continue?"
"Y… yes… just get us back to the school in one piece…" muttered Raine.
"How did she know?" whispered Hermione.
"I know all," said Presea. "And whenever something bad will happen, I can sense it."
"How, though?" asked a persistent Ron.
"Irrelevant," said Presea, her voice low, rough, and creepy.
Regal's… uh… Plane. Main Street.
Regal and Luna jumped out of the twisted metal that was the plane. Zim crawled out after them, breathing heavily and clinging to the ground. Never had he been so terrified in his life. Girtrude continued to help the various passengers out of the plane. The only injury was to Perferidity who had lost quite a few feathers.
"And you successfully handled the plane through the controlled crash," said Regal, marking it down. "Good show. You get your license."
"Yes!" Luna cried, crossing another thing off her 'Things I must do before I die,' paper.
"Girtrude, you get your Flight Attendant license," said Regal, handing it to the small, blonde robot.
"I LOVE YOUR SOUL!" wailed Girtrude, clinging to Regal's leg.
"Well, that about wraps it up," said Regal. "Shall we get back to the school?"
"Yes!" said Luna. "I forgot about the Game Show Game! We must hurry!"
"Aye, we must. Zim, hail a taxi," suggested Regal.
"The… the taxi… I fear it…" muttered Zim, looking possessed.
"… never mind," Regal said, going to do it himself.
Half an Hour Later, in the Auditorium…
It had taken hours, but everyone else had finally filled out their paperwork. Then, they were herded into Building B, where the Auditorium had been slightly converted. On the stage was a sign that read: "AWESOME GAME SHOW." There were plenty of lights, fog machines, and places for two contestants and a confusing array of interactive monitors for the games. It looked a lot like the old Match Game from the 70's, Jeopardy, and the Price is Right had had a crack baby while drinking heavily during the pregnancy. The students took their seats, waiting for the show to start. Last to arrive were the denizens of Regal's car, and they stood at the back due to lack of seats.
Then, an alarm went off and the strobe lights began to shimmer and shine and send people into epileptic fits. Two signs flashed, "APPLAUSE OR DIE," and everyone began to cheer. From offstage, Master Computer began to introduce the game. However, he only got a few words in before everything went crazy.
"It's time to play-!" called Master Computer, but then he began to spark and fizz. "ERROR… ERROR…. GAME DISK UNREABLE… ERROR… ERROR…"
The students began to panic. Most of them fled the room in a desperate attempt to escape the loud noises and the flashing lights, a reflex well-honed after months at Whitestone. The students from Symphonia, Smudged Town, and Hogwarts, however, either remained frozen, or rushed the stage to try and figure out what was going wrong. The Professors surrounded the computer, but as he let off a wall of sparks, they were unable to approach it.
"What's going on?" asked Neville, frantically looking around.
"I don't know…" said Tak. "But… I feel weird…"
"So do I," said Zim, shaking. "I feel… a strange force…"
"I don't feel anything," said Ginny, frowning. "Are you sure…?"
Suddenly, the doors slammed shut and were compressed. The windows suddenly thickened and turned circular. From below them, a great rumbling ensued, shaking the school so violently that everyone was thrown from their feet. From behind the stage, a green figure emerged, taller than Zim and Tak, but both registered utmost horror when they saw his smug, green face.
"Klorb!" the shouted, pointing fingers at him.
"That's right," he said, cackling. "It is I! INVADER KLORB! You miserable Earthlings will now face my wrath as I destroy your precious Earth! I am ejecting you all into space so that you may never return! MUAHAHAHAH!"
"This sounds like one of your plans, Zim," muttered Dib.
"Foolish Dib… I sound nothing like that… NOTHING!" he shouted.
"What are you… are you an alien?" asked Colette, eyes widening in fear.
"I am, silly, inferior being," said Klorb, grinning. "And two among your number are as well. Another is merely a pathetic SIR unit. But I'm sure none you understand that. You are human beings, after all."
"How did you get here?" asked Tak. "And why?"
"After that gift Zim sent, the Tallest didn't pay attention to any of us. FOR HOURS! I'm not the only one who is angry, Zim! But I am the only one to do something about it… for now. The others will have their turn once I get you far, far away from this galaxy…"
"How did you get here? How did I not see you?" asked Dib, looking crestfallen.
"Remember back in your Earthen January? That meteor that hit Building D? That was my ship, disguised as a meteor!"
"So that's why the CIA found all those wires and buttons inside of it!" Luna said. snapping her fingers, "I thought it was just a Communist Satellite! Well, this is going to take some explaining back at the office…"
"You won't get away with this!" shouted Harry.
"Oh, but I will. And you know it!" Klorb snarled in reply. "But before we blast off… let me reveal to you your two foes!"
He shot some sort of gun that struck Tak and Zim in the chest and threw them backward. Everyone hit the deck at that point and Klorb began to cackle hysterically. Then, he shot at the Master Computer and typed some stuff into the new keyboard that had emerged. With that, he shot the wall and headed towards it.
"So long, foolish Earthinoids!" he shouted.
With that, the decompression shot him out the side. The wall somehow fixed itself and the shaking became worse. But more than that, they felt themselves rising, and it wasn't long before stars could be seen outside the windows. Still in shock about what was happening, it was only when another shriek, this time from Raine, reached their ears that they were able to register anything.
Tak and Zim stood, looking like they were in severe pain. But they were both without their disguises now. Everyone stared in complete silence as the shaking stopped and they found themselves floating in space. After an awkward silence, Girtrude threw off her disguise and landed on his head, right next to Zim.
"It's true," said Tak. "We've been deceiving you since day one. We are not human; we are Irken invaders come to take control of Earth."
"You're the enemy!" Dib shouted. "See? I've been right this whole time! YES!"
"I don't know what's worse," muttered Harry. "The fact that we've gotta deal with aliens now or the fact that Dib was right."
"I'm voting for the second," replied Ron in a whisper.
"But that no longer matters," said Tak, accessing the Master Computer. "Klorb has launched us far into space, much farther away than even the Dormir Nebula. It's going to be a long journey back."
"You mean… we're stuck out here?" gasped Genis.
"For the time being… yes. Better get comfortable, lads, it's going to be a long ride," replied Tak glaring out the window to the distant stars, and, hopefully, Earth.
From the Author's Mind:
Well… um… all my characters just got hijacked I guess. And as for Klorb, I don't really know what happened to him; as soon as we hit the ground, he took off. I'll do my best to contact them and chronicle their journey through space… but in the meantime, let's prepare some Nickelodeon references. Also, there was a subliminal message hidden in this chapter. Find it and win a virtual cookie! I've gotta go repair my organs; falling from 50000 feet really does a number on your abdominal cavity…
Edit June 2011:
This is the other chapter that received major edits when I came back and read it a second time. The game show was originally shown, and it was originally Match Game. But when I wrote it, I realized it wasn't nearly as funny or fitting as I'd originally intended it to be, so I axed it. Oh and I have no idea what I was talking when I said subliminal messaging. So obviously it wasn't very good. The only two other minor edits were A) Girtrude had another friend named Larry. I can't remember who or what Larry was supposed to be because… er… he was never mentioned before or again (I guess he could have counted as a Big Lipped Alligator Moment but eh.) And B) I originally made my first appearance via Author Avatar in this chapter, but I pushed it back until chapter 14. It worked out better that way.